How would you handle this discipline problem for a 14 year old DD?

[Rhonda in TX]

A good friend of mine has a 14 year old DD at a private, Christian school. They've always been there. She recently found out, through a teacher, that her DD referred to a younger (probably 5th or 6th grade, definitely no older than that) girl as a "witch" (not that word, YKWIM). She was overheard by a classmate of the younger girl, who then reported it to the teacher. Teacher told my friend, who confronted her DD. Her DD admitted doing it.

 

How would you handle this? There were no school repercussions, which I'm surprised at. Mainly because she's several years older than the girl she insulted, it happened at a school event, was overheard by other kids, and it is a Christian school. I feel that an apology, at least, should be required from the school.

 

How would you, as the parent, handle the discipline of this matter if it was your child? Friend's 14 yo DD is a good kid overall. She does admit that she uses this kind of language "occasionally" with her friends.

 

My friend has always tended toward much more lenient parenting than I have, so I'm wondering what others would do.

[Danestress]

I went to a private secular school but pretty much everyone I grew up with was a Christian (except for me, lol). That would be a relatively minor insult - I heard so much worse. In some ways, it's part of teen life.

 

I would be glad to know so that I could tell my daughter how disappointed I was and how words, once spoken, can't be taken back and can do real damage both to the other person and to your own reputation. I would make her apologize to the girl, but I am not surprised that the school didn't do anything about it. They probably hear worse everyday out of kids this age. I hear boys who really actually *like* each other call each other names all the time - almost as a bonding thing. Perhaps not at Christian school though? I don't know.

 

Some people don't like to use "forced apologies" because they think an apology should come from the heart and be a honest expression of repentance - not a disciplinary technique. I don't necessarily agree, but the school might not want to go there.

[Haiku]

I also have a fourteen year old daughter. Honestly, I wouldn't punish my child for this. It's not at all an unusual occurrence, and the fact that the child goes to a Christian school doesn't change that. Contrary to popular belief, kids at parochial schools don't really behave any better than other kids. I think this is one of those instances where adults run the risk of making way too big of a deal out of something.

 

Kids insult each other. They use foul language. Is this a good thing? No. Is it going to happen despite our best efforts as parents? Yes. I would definitely tell my daughter that we consider that type of verbal hostility unacceptable per our family's values, but, imo, the best "consequence" will be the reputation the child receives because of it. For the most part, the kids at the school probably won't give it much thought, because that child is not the only one saying such things, but eventually it will probably come back to bite her in the proverbial hiney, and then she'll have to deal with it.

 

Tara

[Parrothead]

If it were my dd she would at least be grounded - not necessarily for the language but for hurting someone younger than her.

[Remudamom]

Well, to me the difference between a Christian school and a secular school is how they handle these problems. The question is how is it going to be addressed? No matter where you go to school there is going to be sinful behavior. (Homeschooling included) A Christian school should address this and not let it slide. Ignoring it won't work.

 

I'd think confronting the girl about the language she uses would be completely appropriate. And if all the girls in her group use language like that I'd think a little heart to heart is needed.

 

Either it's a Christian school or it isn't. Behavior like that is unacceptable. If one of mine pulled something like that we'd talk first, if it happened again there would be some type of punishment/restitution scenario.

[Carrie12345]

I would reprimand my hypothetical 14yo, and I would expect it never to happen again, but that's about it.

[Rhonda in TX]

IKids insult each other. They use foul language. Is this a good thing? No. Is it going to happen despite our best efforts as parents? Yes. I would definitely tell my daughter that we consider that type of verbal hostility unacceptable per our family's values, but, imo, the best "consequence" will be the reputation the child receives because of it. For the most part, the kids at the school probably won't give it much thought, because that child is not the only one saying such things, but eventually it will probably come back to bite her in the proverbial hiney, and then she'll have to deal with it.

 

Tara

 

I think what bothers me so much is that she insulted a girl that is several years younger than her (11 years old or so). I think it's a terrible example, and the younger girl is going to see that there are no consequences for this type of action. I wouldn't be nearly as bothered if it happened between her and a girl her own age.

 

And, while I definitely know kids at a Christian school don't necessarily behave better than other kids, the school should have higher expectations of their students.

[Karen sn]

Well, my first question - why does she think this about the girl?

[lynn]

I would reprimand my hypothetical 14yo, and I would expect it never to happen again, but that's about it.

 

:iagree: Kids sometimes say things out of character for them, no big deal.

[Ria]

My question is this: did she call the girl the name to her face, or did she refer to the girl as this name behind her back? If it was to her face, an apology to the insulted girl is necessary, IMO. However, if she was overheard referring to another girl as such a name, I'm not sure an apology (unless it's to the girl(s) she was talking to) would be warranted.

That said, I'd probably punish her as the mom. I'd expect the school to have talked to her about appropriate language, too.

 

Ria

[Haiku]

I wouldn't be nearly as bothered if it happened between her and a girl her own age.

 

My dd is in 8th grade. She regularly interacts with kids from 5th-8th grade, all those kids are considered peers. I don't really think it's any different than both girls being 14. Eleven year olds are pretty savvy these days. I don't think this was a situation where the older sophisticate insulted the little girl with her lollipop and dolly.

 

the school should have higher expectations of their students.

They probably do, but they also probably realize that they can't micromanage the kids. I'm not saying that I condone this, but neither would I want my kids' school chasing after every insult and every instance of foul language. I don't really think it would eliminate the problem. I'd rather that my kids' school time (especially if I'm paying for it) to be devoted to school. Disciplining every student who insults another or uses foul language would create a massive time sink. In fact, my dd is part of an after-school program that focuses on peace and communication skills. At the beginning of the year, they had a "circle" every time someone swore or was mean, where all the kids were supposed to process how this made them feel as perpetrators, victims, or observers. Pretty soon this had to be abandoned because they spent almost ALL their time in circle.

 

To me, this is just another reason to homeschool. Nasty behavior can't be avoided when you have groups of kids together. I'd homeschool my dd if I could, but I can't, so there are just some things I have to accept as not changeable.

 

Part of growing up is learning to behave in social situations. I think that, to some degree, kids have to navigate that on their own.

 

Tara

Edited February 20, 2009 by TaraTheLiberator

[st_claire]

I wouldn't punish her. I'd talk to her, see why she called the girl that. Maybe the girl was acting like a "witch". I don't forbid the use of any words, I just make sure people know what they mean.

[Rhonda in TX]

And actually, I think the apology should go to the girl that overheard her. If, however, the insulted girl found out, she should apologize to her as well. On the school's end, I think I, as the parent, would actually request that she be called in and talked to about this. No other real punishment, but a little discomfort on the girl's end would be a good thing.

[Danestress]

I think what bothers me so much is that she insulted a girl that is several years younger than her (11 years old or so). I think it's a terrible example, and the younger girl is going to see that there are no consequences for this type of action. I wouldn't be nearly as bothered if it happened between her and a girl her own age.

 

 

 

If I were the parent of the younger child is that sometimes there are no real apparent consequences for bad behavior and that our motive for behaving well shouldn't be just to avoid consequences. If the other girl wants to be mean, she's going to be mean. She probably is a nice girl, though, who just did a bad thing.

 

I also would remind her that she won't necessarily know what consequences someone faces. I would discourage her from feeling like she needs to know if the parents or even the school imposed a penalty.

 

Honestly, I also would encourage her to shrug it off. It was just a word. Not a nice word and not one I would tolerate coming out of her mouth, but one she will hear pretty regularly in life. I would encourage her to be a bit thick skinned about it.

[EarleneW]

My kids are in a private Christian school and the 14yo would be expected to apologize at a minimum. I realize things happen no matter what kind of school you are at, but it would be addressed at our school.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I thought that as well. Just because a girl is "only" 11 doesn't mean she doesn't sometimes act as a "witch".

 

Also, I'd want to know if anyone talked to the girl who "overheard" the conversation about eavesdropping and tattling.

 

I'm not condoning the 14yo's behavior, as I would have a fit if my dc spoke that way about anyone, especially someone younger. But, she's not the only problem in this scenario. The tattling needs to be addressed as well.

[Plucky]

Why does the tattling need to be addressed? A student heard an older student call a younger girl a name. We aren't to speak up when someone is harrassed? I really can't see a good reason for a 14 year old to call an 11 year old a name like that.

[unsinkable]

Why does the tattling need to be addressed? A student heard an older student call a younger girl a name. We aren't to speak up when someone is harrassed? I really can't see a good reason for a 14 year old to call an 11 year old a name like that.

 

Not that word, no. But an 11 y.o. can act in a manner that some might call that word + y.

[Danestress]

the issue is whether we want kids to deal with problems or to "report" them. Sometimes one, sometimes the other. In this case, I think it's sort of silly since the other girl didn't hear it. It seems to me that the girls who DID hear it could say, "no, she's not." Or "What an ugly word. I thought you were better than that." And just let it go.

 

But I also think this is girl stuff. Can you imagine a 14 year old boy saying another boy is a "d@ck" and some of those boys reporting it their fathers, who nervously report to the father of the boy in question, who then solicits the advice of his friends as to how to deal with this incredibly delicate situation, necessitating posts on a public board to discuss the fact that Danny called John a "d@ck" and what on earth should be done about this? No way. At most any adult man would say, "Danny, don't say that. It's ugly" and let it go.

 

I sometimes wish girls were raised more like boys are!

Edited February 20, 2009 by Danestress

[unsinkable]

the issue is whether we want kids to deal with problems or to "report" them. Sometimes one, sometimes the other. In this case, I think it's sort of silly since the other girl didn't hear it. It seems to me that the girls who DID hear it could say, "no, she's not." Or "What an ugly word. I thought you were better than that." And just let it go.

 

But I also think this is girl stuff. Can you imagine a 14 year old boy saying another boy is a "d@ck" and some of those boys reporting it their fathers, who nervously report to the father of the boy in question, who then solicits the advice of his friends as to how to deal with this incredibly delicate situation, necessitating posts on a public board to discuss the fact that Danny called John a "d@ck" and what on earth should be done about this? No way. At most any adult man would say, "Danny, don't say that. It's ugly" and let it go.

 

I sometimes wish girls were raised more like boys are!

 

What if your 13 yo son told you a teammate said that he broke a girl's jaw with his d***? This is happened to us.

[Danestress]

What if your 13 yo son told you a teammate said that he broke a girl's jaw with his d***? This is happened to us.

 

Your son said that? Or it was said in front of him? I honestly would be worried about much deeper psychological, emotional and characer issues in a boy who said that then one who called another boy a d@ck on the soocer field. I would be concerned about bragging about s@xual conquest especially involving domestic violence, and much more concerned about the harm to her reputation than if another girl just called her a "b@tch." Just a much bigger deal in my opinion, and I am quite sure my husband would agree. In this case I would definitely let the other parents know what was said, and if I were the parent of the boy I would take it very seriously indeed, partly because I would be concerned for her safety and his character.

[unsinkable]

Your son said that? Or it was said in front of him? I honestly would be worried about much deeper psychological, emotional and characer issues in a boy who said that then one who called another boy a d@ck on the soocer field. I would be concerned about bragging about s@xual conquest especially involving domestic violence, and much more concerned about the harm to her reputation than if another girl just called her a "b@tch." Just a much bigger deal in my opinion, and I am quite sure my husband would agree. In this case I would definitely let the other parents know what was said, and if I were the parent of the boy I would take it very seriously indeed, partly because I would be concerned for her safety and his character.

 

A boy said that to my son. I didn't take it to be true. OMGosh! I thought he was just running his mouth...you know, I'm so big...blah, blah, blah. I felt like this boy didn't really understand how horrible he sounded.

 

ETA: I hope my son would NEVER talk like that. He was so upset hearing it that he had tears in his eyes when he told me about it.

[Danestress]

I didn't take it to be true either, and I assumed it wasn't your son, but I was trying to be careful about what I said, just in case!

[Joanne]

I would not personally be comfortable with the level of, supervision? micromanagement? suggested by some of the posts in this thread.

 

A 14 year old called a younger child a *****. :001_huh::glare: It happens. It's not ok. But it's probably not the first time and it's very likely not the last.

 

On the school's end, I think I, as the parent, would actually request that she be called in and talked to about this.

 

As a person who has owned a daycare and now operates a very small, school/homeschool, I can't imagine the logistics involved if I had to include parents every time an inappropriate name was called.

 

I can't see all the focus or investment in time and energy for *this*.

 

"DD, you called a child a disrespectful and unkind name. That is not acceptable. If it happens again, we'll have to consider liimiting the time you are around other children unsupervised."

 

Read a book, cook dinner, do laundry, whatever.

[BlsdMama]

An apology should NOT be required by the school. It should be required by the parent. The school shouldn't even need to say a word. But, then again, it is possibly an example of parents wanting to foist personal responsibility onto a governing board.

 

Sigh.

 

Honestly? I don't think it can be helped. I remember high school. Honestly, I'd be relieved if that was the worst thing my child did. Girls in catfights, sleeping around, et cetera. This is pretty mild. Let the village raise your children and all that.... And I went to a private Catholic school.

[katilac]

I wouldn't consider "Kaylie's such a witch" as harassment. If someone were calling another child names to their face, picking on them, talking about them continually, etc, then yes, I would think someone should speak up and report it.

 

But a one-time name calling that wasn't in that person's presence? I wouldn't encourage my child to report that.

 

If it were an uglier word, I would feel more strongly about it, but *itch is normally just "man, that girl made me mad."

[AnnetteB]

I am so glad that we are raising a more polite sort of teenager here at home. Our children have never referred to anyone that way. We teach them early that if they can't say something nice they shouldn't say anything at all. We talk to them when/if they refer to someone as "fat" or "old" or "funny looking" so that that sort of thing won't come back to bite them. Learning self control is just one reason on the long list of "Why we Home Educate." Too many schools and parents brush swearing and insults aside as something that all the kids do.

[Plucky]

No, it's not harrassment. I was trying to find a shortcut to saying what does that teach kids, that they shouldn't speak up if someone is harrassed (I missed that the 5th grader didn't hear it)? Girls will do much worse things than call each other names that is true, but I don't think an opportunity should be missed to reiterate that this is unacceptable and the 14 year old probably knows that. I think talking to the 14 year old would probably suffice.

 

I guess I wonder at addressing the tattling because it can be a confusing issue for kids. When does one tell? I've run into a lot of kids and people who believe one should never speak up and just mind their own business no matter the situation.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The point isn't whether the word or name calling in general is appropriate. I think we all agree that it isn't. The point is whether it should be dealt with quietly by the parent (or not - it is their call) or whether it should be dealt with by the school. I vote that it should be dealt with quietly by the parent.

 

Now - if the girl had used the school bathroom wall to write such a sentiment, or printed it in the school newspaper, or announced it loudly in a teacher's present - or in front of the whole class - then it becomes a school discipline issue.

[StaceyinLA]

#1 - This did not happen at school. It happened at an after school event. Therefore I don't know that the school really needs to be in the middle at all.

 

#2 - Though it is rude, I do believe the behavior is fairly normal. It's not what I prefer from girls that age, but I don't think it's out of the ordinary.

 

If it were my child I would talk to her about it and that's about it. Frankly, if someone hadn't felt the need to rat her out, no one would know about it and the issue would never be addressed. The girl wasn't setting up a drug buy - she called someone a b*tch. I think eavesdropping is fairly rude as well, and if what you hear hasn't hurt anyone, why the need to tell? The more this gets talked about and spread around, the more likely, at some point, the girl who was being spoken of will find out. Is there really a need for that?

 

IDK. I think I'd just let it go. And I will add that I have coached home school cheerleaders. 11 year old girls can be pretty mean and hateful. The comment may not have been that off base.

[Haiku]

I am so glad that we are raising a more polite sort of teenager here at home. Our children have never referred to anyone that way. We teach them early that if they can't say something nice they shouldn't say anything at all. We talk to them when/if they refer to someone as "fat" or "old" or "funny looking" so that that sort of thing won't come back to bite them. Learning self control is just one reason on the long list of "Why we Home Educate." Too many schools and parents brush swearing and insults aside as something that all the kids do.

 

You probably didn't mean for it to, but your post comes across as extremely self-righteous. Do you know every word that has ever come out of your children's mouths? Are you implying that those parents whose children say rude things don't address it or teach them better at home? Are you saying that children who act contrary to their family's values aren't being raised well? I think it's rather naive to assume that just because a parent makes it clear to their child what kind of behavior is acceptable/unacceptable and why, their children will never make their own decisions and perhaps act in a mean or rude manner. Children are individuals and, for better or for worse, they will act like individuals.

 

My daughter is a generally nice girl, and her teachers report that she is very well-liked at school (she's not in the "popular" crowd, but she's well-liked becaue she's nice to everyone). I think it would be out of character for her to call someone a b*tch, but I'm not going to stand up and vouch for every word that has ever come out of her mouth.

 

Tara

Edited February 20, 2009 by TaraTheLiberator

[st_claire]

The point isn't whether the word or name calling in general is appropriate. I think we all agree that it isn't.

 

I think it can be very appropriate. Language is full and rich and made up of a wide variety of words. I don't believe in forcing someone to edit their lexicon and resort to some sort of newspeak. If someone does something that you feel merits calling them a "witch", then call them that. There are going to be reprocutions for the words we chose. In general, cussing makes someone appear rude and less intelligent. But it's also a way of standing up for yourself. Think of it like fluffing your feathers.

 

I say let people use whatever words they so chose, and let them deal with any reprocutions from that.

[unsinkable]

I didn't take it to be true either, and I assumed it wasn't your son, but I was trying to be careful about what I said, just in case!

 

At a team parents' meeting I told the parents that there had been very explicit talk in the locker room. What I wrote in the post above wasn't the only thing. I said I wouldn't name names or say outloud what was said (and the coach said it doesn't matter what was said) but I asked the parents please tell their sons to stop the explicit talk. A few people thanked me for bringing it up.

 

Before the next game my son told me the coach told them not to say anything in the locker room that they would't say in front of him.

 

The ironic part is that one of the coaches son brought a friend to the game and this kid that we don't even know asked my son what kind of Tro**ns his mom liked. This was within a couple hours of the parents' meeting. I told my son to stay away from the kid.

[FlockOfSillies]

I guess I wonder at addressing the tattling because it can be a confusing issue for kids. When does one tell? I've run into a lot of kids and people who believe one should never speak up and just mind their own business no matter the situation.

 

When my nephew gets into a tattling rut, I start to ask him whether he's trying to help the tattlee or trying to get the other kid in trouble.

[Karen sn]

When my nephew gets into a tattling rut, I start to ask him whether he's trying to help the tattlee or trying to get the other kid in trouble.

 

 

 

One thing I have learned: the tattler is usually ratting himself out!

I always ask, "What did you do first?"

 

My dd was always being tattled on.

She did not know how to defend herself or tell on the other person.

She was always like, "Yah, I did it." And nothing more.

Finally I figured it out.

 

A few months ago some real brat ran up to me and said that my dd shoved her. I said, "Well, (dd) just doesn't go around shoving people. So what did you do first?" She was so shocked, she blurted out that she hit dd first. I let her have it. Don't come to me if you started it! And my dd has permission to defend herself.

 

That kid no longer messes with my kid.

[Julie in CA]

1.) The use of rude language. This one would be something I'd be inclined to just discuss and then drop, if it were one of my dc. If it were routine or continued use of obscene language, there would be consequences at home.

 

2.) This one is much more serious to me, the intentional slandering of someone else's reputation, gossiping, and behaving in a manner *intended* to hurt someone else both in private, but even more, in public. My kid would be in deep deep trouble. According to my values, and those I'm working to instill in my dc, that's a character flaw that's HUGE. In fact, even though I may catch some tomatoes here for saying so, I think it's HUGE in terms of the Bible, and what it says about how we're to treat those we don't like or get along with.

 

As a parent, if I were paying the big bucks for a private school education, my expectation would be that if the school heard about such behavior they would be letting the parents know about the problem, and that they would be protecting the kids from mistreatment by other kids who are (presumably) being raised to function as Christians, in behavior if not always in spirit.

[AnnetteB]

You probably didn't mean for it to, but your post comes across as extremely self-righteous. Do you know every word that has ever come out of your children's mouths?

 

Maybe I did sound a bit self-righteous, but I have been blessed with kids that don't resort to name-calling. I do know that the worst they have called each other is "twerp." The "S-word" at our house is "shut-up" and we live peacefully with each other. I'm a lucky woman.

[Rhonda in TX]

#1 - This did not happen at school. It happened at an after school event. Therefore I don't know that the school really needs to be in the middle at all.

 

 

My friend's DD is involved in the play (backstage stuff). I'm not really sure why the younger students were there. They're not involved in the play themselves. Maybe that is considered an after school event. I'm not exactly sure how to classify it. A teacher was in charge, though.

[Rhonda in TX]

1.) The use of rude language. This one would be something I'd be inclined to just discuss and then drop, if it were one of my dc. If it were routine or continued use of obscene language, there would be consequences at home.

 

2.) This one is much more serious to me, the intentional slandering of someone else's reputation, gossiping, and behaving in a manner *intended* to hurt someone else both in private, but even more, in public. My kid would be in deep deep trouble. According to my values, and those I'm working to instill in my dc, that's a character flaw that's HUGE. In fact, even though I may catch some tomatoes here for saying so, I think it's HUGE in terms of the Bible, and what it says about how we're to treat those we don't like or get along with.

 

As a parent, if I were paying the big bucks for a private school education, my expectation would be that if the school heard about such behavior they would be letting the parents know about the problem, and that they would be protecting the kids from mistreatment by other kids who are (presumably) being raised to function as Christians, in behavior if not always in spirit.

 

It's not a small matter to me. I don't care if the other child did deserve the term. You do NOT talk about other people that way.

[Haiku]

 

blessed with kids that don't resort to name-calling

 

And I think that's it right there. I think it's a personality thing to a large degree. Not that parenting doesn't make a difference, but some kids are more prone to name-calling than others. None of my kids are name-callers, either. I do, however, have a child who is a yeller, and she yells regardless of how we deal with it. My other two are not yellers. None of my kids are biologically related to each other, so it's very interesting to see how various personality traits play out in our family, knowing that none of our kids share the same genes.

 

Tara

[Pamela H in Texas]

1.) The use of rude language. This one would be something I'd be inclined to just discuss and then drop, if it were one of my dc. If it were routine or continued use of obscene language, there would be consequences at home.

 

2.) This one is much more serious to me, the intentional slandering of someone else's reputation, gossiping, and behaving in a manner *intended* to hurt someone else both in private, but even more, in public. My kid would be in deep deep trouble. According to my values, and those I'm working to instill in my dc, that's a character flaw that's HUGE. In fact, even though I may catch some tomatoes here for saying so, I think it's HUGE in terms of the Bible, and what it says about how we're to treat those we don't like or get along with.

 

 

:iagree:

[Haiku]

a character flaw that's HUGE

 

I am not sure that I would say that one instance of calling someone a name is a HUGE character flaw. I'd be more inclined to call it an immature mistake.

 

Let's say, though, for the sake of argument, that the name-calling is an ongoing thing, and is, therefore, a character issue.

 

My question would be, can you punish someone into having good character?

 

Tara

[AnnetteB]

I don't think that punishment is the key. I think it is more of a "stick and carrot" for us. One attention-getter that I have used with my kids over the years is this...If they are squabbling or refusing to play nicely with each other and we are planning, say a park trip with friends or a visit to the cousins', I will say, "If you cannot get along with each other at home, you are not ready to go out into the world and be with others." Home is the "training ground." Their little ears perk up and they will work together to "prove" that they can get along. Self-control hasn't come easily for all of them. This may sound silly, but I really will keep them all at home and they know it from when they are little. We also put emphasis on our home as a sanctuary. No one is allowed to pick on anyone else, belittle them, or shove them around. We have so many personalities in our family and we really work hard to instill in them a love of each other, warts and all.

Now, I am ducking and hoping that no one misconstrues what I hope that I said here....

[Colleen]

Maybe I did sound a bit self-righteous, but I have been blessed with kids that don't resort to name-calling. I do know that the worst they have called each other is "twerp." The "S-word" at our house is "shut-up" and we live peacefully with each other. I'm a lucky woman.

 

Well, okay, thank you for sharing that. But let's think outside the box since Rhonda's asking a hypothetical question. If you were the parent in the scenario she shared, how would you handle it?

 

I've never heard my boys use that kind of language, although the reality is they have less "opportunity" since they aren't away from me at school half the day. They do say inappropriate things at times (not as often as I do:tongue_smilie:). If the situation arose that Rhonda described, I'd talk to my child about using inappropriate language and ~ the bigger problem, imo ~ gossiping about someone. I wouldn't require an apology and I wouldn't expect the school to do so, either. I think that's making a mountain out of a molehill.

[Haiku]

"If you cannot get along with each other at home, you are not ready to go out into the world and be with others."

 

I say the exact same thing. In fact, we were on the way to an activity yesterday and they kids started bickering in the car. I said, "If you're going to bicker in the car we'll go home." There was immediate silence and the kids didn't say another word until we got to the activity. Then they walked around holding hands the whole time. My kids are well aware that poor behavior at home = no fun outings. Glad to hear I'm not the only mean mom. ;)

 

Tara

[Guest janainaz]

First, I would want to get to the bottom of the relationship issue and hopefully deal with it from that level. There is always more to a story. I would not over-react and make a national case out of it, but I would want my child to know that speaking that way is a very negative reflection on them. When our kids gets older we can't be around them 24/7 and they need to understand that what they do and say hurts others and makes a greater statement about their character. I don't think that administering punishment will change the heart in regard to certain behaviors. They need to have a deep heart understanding about their actions.

 

If this younger girl did something that my daughter was justified in being angry about, I would empathize with her feelings and let her know that it's ok to be angry, but not to call names like that. Sometimes our kids need to know we are human and letting them know we've shared the same feelings, but bitten our tongues makes a big statement.