How could I leave one of my dc?

[MBH]

I have a 11yo stepson. While I never claim to feel the exact same way toward him as I do to my two bio. sons, I feel it is hurtful to assume that someone's stepmother will not care for them 'as much' as their biolical mother does. I love my stepson, and care as much about his saftey, future, happiness, etc. as my bioligical sons. Just because we don't have the same exacty type of bond does not make one bond 'more' or 'less' than the other.

 

My intention was not to hurt step-mothers and step-fathers. We all have our own experiences. I am speaking from my own personal experience.

 

If you love your step-son, that is wonderful. That is what the Lord wants, and you are pleasing Him. However, you are an exception to the rule.

 

Please accept my apology. I was not referring to you in my earlier post. I am referring to the poor examples I have seen in the past.

 

I know there are loving step-mothers/fathers out there. If this child is in a loving situation with his biological father, then he should stay there. However, Drama Queen stated that the biological father is a jerk!

 

I don't *like* his father's house or his father's choices (and in general he is a jerk;)), but it isn't terrible.

[always cookin']

I agree with you Erica. I wouldn't move either. I would find some other way to make it work.

[Renee in NC]

Well, if you wouldn't be able to move until the summer anyway, then it's only two years. I think you can manage for 2 years. These aren't once-in-lifetime opportunities in FL. As you said to me, they will be there 2 years from now. And you could stay here and see what kind of job dh can get. You can always move to FL. But I think that your positive influence on your son's life for the next two years is important. Imagine if you moved and then he went in a more negative direction. You know that he would have less supervision with you not around in his daily life. You couldn't just decide to move back, and you can't make him move there. So, the consequences of going on your oldest dc could be extremely serious, and the consequences of not going is that you will most likely struggle financially for the next 2 years. After thinking about this all morning, and knowing all of you personally, I would stay.

 

That's what I keep thinking - it's only 2 years. Two years will fly by! We can do anything for 2 years, right? We are a more positive, conservative influence on him and that is important.

 

I would be shocked to hear of any place in the US where a family with two able-bodied, hardworking parents, (and possible government assistance), could not provide for basic necessities. If I am wrong, then I will agree that there would be no choice. But I honestly have never heard of such a thing, myself. Even with one spouse working at McDonalds full time and the other part time, that would be enough for the bare minimum.

 

We could do it as long as dh is able to find a job. The worry is that he could not find a job. This is where the conversation comes in - if he can't find a job, then what? We have several people we know (including our two laid-off employees) that are not able to find even basic jobs yet. We are looking and hopefully he will be able to find something that can support us.

 

No move is definite, just a maybe. I probably should put off thinking about it when I am 36 weeks pregnant!:lol::lol: Maybe just the thought that we *do* have options will make the easier path (staying in NC) be even easier, KWIM?

[RoughCollie]

I would go to Florida because of obvious reasons, but I would not consider it a permanent move right at the beginning -- I would leave myself room to change my mind, if that is possible.

 

I would also get cell phones on the type of plan in which it doesn't cost anything extra for those phones to communicate. I would tell my son how I feel and that I would like us to talk once a day (or every two days, maybe) so that my DH and I do not lose the closeness we have with him. I would figure out what I'd need to do to stay as involved in my son's life as possible, on a daily basis.

 

I would ask my son to stay with us in Florida during the summers (he can get a job there, if he wants), and to spend the longer vacation periods with us in Florida (Christmas, spring break, and so forth).

 

In essence, I would move because I think it is the prudent thing to do in the circumstances, but I would my utmost to make it as positive a situation as possible for my son.

 

And my heart would break, but I'd keep reminding myself that it would get easier over time, as the situation smooths out and we all get used to it.

 

RC

[Elm in NJ]

Praying that you make the right decision and do what is best for you and your family.

[OnTheBrink]

I would go to Florida because of obvious reasons, but I would not consider it a permanent move right at the beginning -- I would leave myself room to change my mind, if that is possible.

 

I would also get cell phones on the type of plan in which it doesn't cost anything extra for those phones to communicate. I would tell my son how I feel and that I would like us to talk once a day (or every two days, maybe) so that my DH and I do not lose the closeness we have with him. I would figure out what I'd need to do to stay as involved in my son's life as possible, on a daily basis.

 

I would ask my son to stay with us in Florida during the summers (he can get a job there, if he wants), and to spend the longer vacation periods with us in Florida (Christmas, spring break, and so forth).

 

In essence, I would move because I think it is the prudent thing to do in the circumstances, but I would my utmost to make it as positive a situation as possible for my son.

 

And my heart would break, but I'd keep reminding myself that it would get easier over time, as the situation smooths out and we all get used to it.

 

RC

 

:iagree:

 

As for finding work, it's easy to say, "Oh, go get a job in fast food!" But fast food places aren't always hiring. My son worked at McDonalds for a year, left for a better job, which didn't turn out to be better, and has tried to reapply at many other fast food places. None in our area are hiring. You can't always rely on fast food or Walmart to provide employment.

 

DQ, I'm so very sorry for your situation and how hard things are. I get teary eyed thinking about having to leave my son somewhere. In fact, my son is moving out into his own place in 30 days and I'm sad about that, and he's 21 years old! I totally understand your feelings. However, I want to offer you this encouragement: Trials come to us because God loves us and is using trying times to make you more like Him. Consider it a blessing, even though it hurts, that you're going through this tough decision. It'll make you cling to Him more, trust Him more and you'll be blessed, even if you can't see that right now.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[bettyandbob]

I have to agree with the poster who said staying would put your ds in a position of feeling responsible for your family's financial situation. You haven't said your ds's bio father is unfit, so your ds has a choice. You may not like his choice, but it is his choice. It sounds like his care with his bio father and stepmother will be decent.

 

How is your ds's relationship with his grandfather? Is it possible that he can substitute some of the time he spent with your family staying with his grandfather? My teen ds recently started dropping by my parents once a week or so just to say hi. None of the other grandchildren do this so it's even more special to my parents. Having another positive adult male role model in a teen boy's life can be very helpful.

 

You can certainly try to influence your ds's choice, but you will walk a fine line because you don't want him to feel manipulated and possibly betrayed. I think the best you do is make sure he knows the door is open to your home.

 

Whether you leave now or stay through the end of the school year, you could try to make arrangements for your ds to spend 2-4 weeks with you in July (I suggest this short because it is sometimes hard for a teen to willingly agree to longer) and check out your new home. When he starts investigating college or post high school training, next year, be sure to let him know the options in Florida and spend some weekend visits on that.

 

You are in a terribly painful situation. However, you can take comfort in the fact that your ds knows he is loved and he will have a decent place to live and be watched over by his grandfather. The guidance you and your dh have given your ds can carry him the last two years of high school, especially if you are in regular contact and your dad can help watch out for him.

[Tree House Academy]

I am sorry, but it wasn't until I read, "his other homelife isn't so great...." that it became totally clear what I would do. No way would I go and leave him there.

 

He is 15. You are his mom and he should go with you. He can use the plane tickets to see his girlfriend...not the other way around. He is 15. His life doesn't depend on this...but yours and the livlihood of your family DOES.

[Brindee]

As for finding work, it's easy to say, "Oh, go get a job in fast food!" But fast food places aren't always hiring. My son worked at McDonalds for a year, left for a better job, which didn't turn out to be better, and has tried to reapply at many other fast food places. None in our area are hiring. You can't always rely on fast food or Walmart to provide employment.

:iagree: There just plain aren't any jobs available in some areas, so to make a blanket statement that they should just go out and get a job somewhere doesn't seem right to me! They have (will have) 6 others to feed. They're not deciding to move for pleasure, this is an important financial decision to keep food in the mouths of their children, and a roof over their heads. If no jobs are available, they HAVE to do SOMEthing! And with offers of certain jobs and a place to live, they would be able to cover basic expenses, and get back on their feet without the family suffering too badly.

[Renee in NC]

I am sorry, but it wasn't until I read, "his other homelife isn't so great...." that it became totally clear what I would do. No way would I go and leave him there.

 

He is 15. You are his mom and he should go with you. He can use the plane tickets to see his girlfriend...not the other way around. He is 15. His life doesn't depend on this...but yours and the livlihood of your family DOES.

 

If you read the posts in the thread, you will see that I cannot make him go. There is nothing that says that a child belongs with his mother - his father has the same rights that I do. I would NOT let him stay with a friend or distant relative because of a girlfriend - the only reason this is even up for discussion is that the law DOES give him the choice of where he wants to live.

 

The issues with his other homelife are not horrible, but not generally how I would choose for him to live. Then again, our life is not how his other set of parents would choose to live - they would probably say that our home life isn't so great!:lol:

 

I am just going to pray that this decision doesn't ever have to be made - that my dh will get a job that allows us to stay for another 2.5 years and *reasonably* provide for the other 6dc within the confines of our other family choices. That would be best for EVERYONE!:D

[Tree House Academy]

Sorry... I did not read through the other 6 pages, so I did not know that you couldn't "make" him go. My ex husband does not have custody...I do. He gets to visit and we can move anywhere we want and my son does not have a say in it...of course he is 9 and not 15 too.

 

I pray, as well, that this decision just never has to be made and that your dh finds work where you are. :)

[Storm Bay]

This is not an easy situation, and I understand how emotionally hard it is for you. You cannot make him go with you, and, honestly, at 15 in this situation, I don't think you should. I DON'T think this means you have to choose between your children. Here's why.

 

1. He's old enough to understand. Really. I left home for half a year at 15 because I hated living at home (different situation, of course.) Lots of kids were signed into apprenticeships younger than this for centuries. Not that I condone this practice, but they survived (it was tough because they were younger). Or have been sent to boarding schools. Your ds is in a much, much better situation than this because he makes the choice and he can visit you once a month.

 

2. You have to provide for your other dc. Your 15 yo ds has his father helping out big time here.

 

3. It's only for 2 years.

 

4. In some cultures he might already be supporting his own family by now.

 

5. How many dc used to run away to work on careers at 14, 15, 16 before education until 16 became mandatory? And they did it, some very successfully, I might add.

 

Don't think that I don't understand how hard it is for you--I do, but I wanted to put out some other things. He is old enough to make choices and to understand. Maybe not totally, since he has no dc of his own, but he can. He's already said to go. And you are capable of adjusting, even if you don't like it and it is hard. Think of all the parents who have lost dc to illness or accident who manage to live on with that pain (I'm thinking of this because of the little girl down the road who passed away just before Thanksgiving). You can call, email, write, text--however you keep in touch all the time, right? In our cyber/tech age keeping in touch is easy:)

 

Whatever you decide, I hope and pray it goes well for you.

Edited December 31, 2008 by Karin

[Scarlett]

I probably should put off thinking about it when I am 36 weeks pregnant!:lol::lol: Maybe just the thought that we *do* have options will make the easier path (staying in NC) be even easier, KWIM?

 

 

I am so sorry you are having such a tough time. I would be devastated to have to make such a choice. After reading this entire thread, I think I would tell the 15 year old, 'We need to go to FL for a job to feed this family, but we are not going without you. If you won't go, we won't go.'

 

That would probably be considered manipulation. ;)

[TwinMominTX]

I would be shocked to hear of any place in the US where a family with two able-bodied, hardworking parents, (and possible government assistance), could not provide for basic necessities. If I am wrong, then I will agree that there would be no choice. But I honestly have never heard of such a thing, myself. Even with one spouse working at McDonalds full time and the other part time, that would be enough for the bare minimum.

 

Really? Even with 7 children? A person can support a family of that size by working at McDonalds and another part-time job? I find it difficult to imagine how that would compute.

[Erica in PA]

:iagree: There just plain aren't any jobs available in some areas, so to make a blanket statement that they should just go out and get a job somewhere doesn't seem right to me! They have (will have) 6 others to feed. They're not deciding to move for pleasure, this is an important financial decision to keep food in the mouths of their children, and a roof over their heads. If no jobs are available, they HAVE to do SOMEthing! And with offers of certain jobs and a place to live, they would be able to cover basic expenses, and get back on their feet without the family suffering too badly.

 

I don't know... maybe you guys have experienced something I haven't, but as I have said, I have never known of a situation in this country where a person cannot find any kind of job at all. I've known lots of situations where a person can't find a good paying job, or one that he/she enjoys, or one that offers good benefits, or one that doesn't require moving a short distance or making a long commute, or one that working only 40 hours per week will pay enough to provide for the entire family, etc. But no jobs of any kind available anywhere in miles and miles? I'm sorry, that just does not sound plausible to me. (I'm not referring to the OP here, but to those who have said there are places where there are absolutely no jobs at all.)

 

Sure, there are times when fast food restaurants or Walmart aren't hiring-- but we still have a jobs section with page after page of listings in our newspaper every week, and I live in a small town in rural PA. Many of the listings are hard, grunt work, and may not pay much more than minimum wage, but they are out there. (And those jobs are a worst case scenario, btw. It's possibly that the OP's husband could have some kind of skill or experience that might help him find something a bit better than that level of employment.)

 

I just don't think the premise that "there are NO jobs in the area at all, so it's move or starve" seems likely.. it sounds much more likely that it would be "stay and have a difficult time versus move and have things be much easier."

[Erica in PA]

Really? Even with 7 children? A person can support a family of that size by working at McDonalds and another part-time job? I find it difficult to imagine how that would compute.

 

Well, let's see, minimum wage is $6.55 times 40 hours per week, that is $1048 per month. If another person works 25 hours per week at the same pay rate, that is $655. So that is $1703 total. Yes, it technically could be possible to feed, clothe, and house a family on that amount per month. (Until recently our family of five had about that amount of income, and we had lots of extras that we could have cut.) Not comfortably by any stretch, but it could be done. I also think such a family would also qualify for government aid with that income, including food stamps and health insurance, and possibly a housing subsidy.

 

All that said, it might well be possible that the OP's husband could find a much better job than McDonalds! I was presenting a worst case scenario, just to make the point that usually a family with two adults who are able to work, could provide for the basic needs of their family.

[kiana]

Well, let's see, minimum wage is $6.55 times 40 hours per week, that is $1048 per month. If another person works 25 hours per week at the same pay rate, that is $655. So that is $1703 total.

 

Do they not automatically deduct taxes in your state? Even when we were far below the poverty line, they deducted taxes and we had to file for a refund at the end of the year.

 

Additionally, this sort of job often won't hire overqualified people (I and some others had problems with this sort of thing -- you're considered a flight risk or somesuch).

[Rosie_0801]

So you respect your son enough to ask his permission, but not enough to take him at his word? Giving him the opportunity to be noble, then taking it away again by not doing this? He knows you need to do this, and you know you need to do this. As sucky as the situation is, he has given you permission to move without guilt (yeah I know, nothing can stop a mother feeling guilty) so you should do it. As another poster has said, you aren't leaving him, he is choosing not to come with you. Choosing to stay put and unemployed isn't of great benefit to him. Moving to wherever has work benefits everyone, including him because he won't need to worry about you. I don't think you should be putting your life on hold for a boy who doesn't need or want you to.

:grouphug:

Rosie

[LisaKinVA]

Do they not automatically deduct taxes in your state? Even when we were far below the poverty line, they deducted taxes and we had to file for a refund at the end of the year.

 

Additionally, this sort of job often won't hire overqualified people (I and some others had problems with this sort of thing -- you're considered a flight risk or somesuch).

 

With the taxes... SS/Medicare are automatic deductions, there aren't exemptions (at least not normally) for that. You can claim enough exemptions for income taxes to have nothing taken out.

 

And yes, it can be difficult for someone who was making $80k a year as a professional to get an hourly job at Mickey D's... Best Buy... Wal Mart... they pretty much assume that you won't stick around (no matter how much you plead or promise), and they don't want to pay to train you only to have you leave in 3-6 months. It's not impossible -- it just depends on who you are competing against for the job, the area in which you live (if you live in a very rural area... which abound in NC, things are even tougher).

 

It really doesn't get any easier to leave a child (whether he's 15 or 18). My parents left my 18yo brother in Florida when they moved to No.VA in 1991. They were devastated and worried sick about him. But, they had to go where my dad's job sent him.

 

I understand how you feel about the perception that you might be choosing one set of children for the other -- but in the end you have to do what is the best interests of everyone involved.

 

I know I'd be torn -- feeling guilty for staying, and feeling guilty for leaving. No easy decision.

 

I feel for you. And will pray for you.

[Erica in PA]

Do they not automatically deduct taxes in your state? Even when we were far below the poverty line, they deducted taxes and we had to file for a refund at the end of the year.

 

Additionally, this sort of job often won't hire overqualified people (I and some others had problems with this sort of thing -- you're considered a flight risk or somesuch).

 

LOL, I'm wishing I'd never named McDonalds by name! I think if anyone reads my posts they will understand the point I was making, even if the one example I tossed out may not have been the best one. (In case I've been more vague than I think, the point was, there is usually *something* you can do to keep your family going financially, at some level, and still keep your family intact.) At any rate, the OP asked for advice and I gave mine. If others think they have no other choice but to move to FL, then that is their opinion, which of course they're free to share as well. And if the OP agrees, then I suppose that is what they will do. I wish the OP the very best for her and for her family, and I am off the boards to celebrate the new year with my family!! :001_smile:

[Margaret in GA]

I would stay in NC and find a few jobs to make it through. As much as I would appreciate help from parents/in laws I would see it as a hand out. I think you guys can find a way to make it work. ETA: I think one of you could find a night shift somewhere (janitorial? security?) and the other can work day shift. I have to say that I agree totally with Erica in PA.

 

Good Luck!

Margaret

Edited January 1, 2009 by Margaret in GA

[Mere2]

Hmmm, very tough decision although in one way, a very easy decision.

 

How lucky that your son has two families who love him and are willing to provide for him and his future. Not every child has that wonderful opportunity (including your other children who only have 1 family who can provide for them.)

 

In making tough, really tough decisions, I like making analysis of the situation, primarily dealing with facts first, realities second and everything else, third.:tongue_smilie:

 

Fact: the economy is only going to get worse - things are going to be really tough for a few years. So, does your new job in FL - will it still exist in a really tough financial economy? Or will that job fold as well? If the job is likely to stand up to tough times, then moving to FL is an option. If the job is likely to fold quickly in tough economic times then I wouldn't move. However the same thing applies if you find a job where you are living now....little point in staying if you cant find a suitable job that will last through the economic depression/recession.

 

Realities: no you cant make your son move with you. He does however have a second family home that will love him, provide him with the basics of life (food, shelter, education) but maybe not be such a positive influence on him as you would like.

 

He also has his home with you that will provide him with love and the basics of life, that will always be available to him.

 

Everything else: how can you do it? Well you dont........

 

Ideally at the end of the school year, all of you move as a family to FL. You ask your son to go with you for the summer to help settle his family into their new home. He is nearly an adult and you need his help. At the end of the summer, if he decides that he wants to go back to his biodads and resume school there, then that is his decision and he is deciding that he needs to leave home.....you are not leaving him behind. He has had a chance to see where his family lives, see his bed in his new family home, feel wanted and loved and thus feels far more connected to FL in whatever decision he decides to make.

 

Whilst physically the end result is the same (son living with dad for the new school year) however psychologically it is totally different in comparison to leaving him behind and removing the rest of the family without him to FL.

 

You have provided him with a wonderful 15 years of love and guidence. Have faith in the values that you have install in him. Believe in him and yourself. Ensure that he "moves" with the family to FL (for the summer) and thus emotionally IF he goes back to his biodads for the school terms, he is only "boarding" at his dads place, not living at his dads house. All school holidays are with you and the family in FL.

 

Best wishes, it is a hard decision but you are not leaving a child behind....bring him with you and let him leave as he feels the need to.

 

:grouphug:

Fi

[FO4UR]

:grouphug:

 

I would go to FL.

 

I would email/skype/phone call daily, and go. As long as his home life with dad is reasonably good, I would go. As long as your dad can make routine visits and be a big part of his life, I would go.

 

I would have a heart-to-heart with his dad, and discuss visits. I like the idea of ds moving down with you initially - so he knows he's still a vital part of YOUR family - and then going back to his dad's. I would opt for fewer lengthy visits rather than a weekend every month.

 

My heart is breaking at your predicament!!!! The things I've said are just what I would do in your shoes from what you've said here - so take with a large grain of salt. Whatever you choose, leave the guilt at the door - you don't have a "best situation" scenario and guilt over the decision serves no good purpose. :grouphug:

[Mandamom]

I started this post earlier today but got sidetracked.

 

We are a blended family, have significant debts, dh unemployed for 9 months and we made the choice to move leaving the oldest boys to decide whether to move with us or stay with their mom and stepdad. They made the choice to stay. Now, I have to say that although we made the choice to move the job fell through and we didn't actually leave. We would have though in order to take the job.

 

We have had the boys pretty much since we got married (they were 3 and 6) and over the years they now have 3 younger brothers and sisters who are their siblings and we don't consider them half-siblings. They now live with their mom and stepdad. We see them about 1-2 times per week between church, work and school schedule. The 16 year old is the one I homeschooled for 5 years. They are all 5 my children.

 

There's a lot of things that their mom and stepdad do that we don't agree with but we know the boys are happy and healthy with their mom and stepdad. Of course, I'm sure that their mom has issues with us, too.

 

Using a variety of technology (internet, cell, etc.) we are very close with the boys and frequently we have to let their mom know what the boys are doing that she doesn't know they are doing. It is very possible to be involved with your children, nowadays, even though you don't actually live together, especially since you have already established a very tight bond.

 

Only you can make the right decision for you. I know that when we made the decision to move knowing that they were going to stay, it was very hard. Even now though it was a hard decision, we don't regret it even now. It was the right decision but too bad the job fell through.

 

I wish you the best of luck finding a job, either in FL or NC.

 

P.S. excuse the whole comma thing :)

[Brindee]

I just don't think the premise that "there are NO jobs in the area at all, so it's move or starve" seems likely.. it sounds much more likely that it would be "stay and have a difficult time versus move and have things be much easier."

Well, the problem is, especially in this poor economy, the jobs that ARE available have a lot of applicants, or a long wait, or suddenly freeze, so nobody gets that one, or, since they CAN, those hiring take their time, say you're over-qualified or under-qualified, or not the right person for the job somehow.

 

Yes, I DO know people who have been looking for months and haven't gotten ANY job! They're really struggling right now! That's why I said what I said. These people are good, hard workers too, just somehow haven't been able to get a job, even at McDonald's! I'm not saying it's common, but since I know more than one person that it's happening to right now, I thought I'd say that it IS possible!

[Mandamom]

Well, the problem is, especially in this poor economy, the jobs that ARE available have a lot of applicants, or a long wait, or suddenly freeze, so nobody gets that one, or, since they CAN, those hiring take their time, say you're over-qualified or under-qualified, or not the right person for the job somehow.

 

Yes, I DO know people who have been looking for months and haven't gotten ANY job! They're really struggling right now! That's why I said what I said. These people are good, hard workers too, just somehow haven't been able to get a job, even at McDonald's! I'm not saying it's common, but since I know more than one person that it's happening to right now, I thought I'd say that it IS possible!

 

Exactly!

[Renee in NC]

Well, let's see, minimum wage is $6.55 times 40 hours per week, that is $1048 per month. If another person works 25 hours per week at the same pay rate, that is $655. So that is $1703 total. Yes, it technically could be possible to feed, clothe, and house a family on that amount per month. (Until recently our family of five had about that amount of income, and we had lots of extras that we could have cut.) Not comfortably by any stretch, but it could be done. I also think such a family would also qualify for government aid with that income, including food stamps and health insurance, and possibly a housing subsidy.

 

All that said, it might well be possible that the OP's husband could find a much better job than McDonalds! I was presenting a worst case scenario, just to make the point that usually a family with two adults who are able to work, could provide for the basic needs of their family.

 

I get your point and I think that was cathmom's point as well - we could do it for 2-2.5 years if necessary. Maybe we will be able to get jobs that pay more. There seems to be driving/warehouse positions that are paying $10 or so an hour that he might be able to get. We'll just have to see.

 

I am amazed that you had extras on that income, though! Is housing pretty cheap where you are?

 

I appreciate all the perspectives and advice, no matter what we ultimately decide!

[Renee in NC]

Well, the problem is, especially in this poor economy, the jobs that ARE available have a lot of applicants, or a long wait, or suddenly freeze, so nobody gets that one, or, since they CAN, those hiring take their time, say you're over-qualified or under-qualified, or not the right person for the job somehow.

 

Yes, I DO know people who have been looking for months and haven't gotten ANY job! They're really struggling right now! That's why I said what I said. These people are good, hard workers too, just somehow haven't been able to get a job, even at McDonald's! I'm not saying it's common, but since I know more than one person that it's happening to right now, I thought I'd say that it IS possible!

 

We do know SO many people that have been laid off and not able to find jobs. We had hoped he could work at Lowes (only 13 miles away), but they are cutting hours, not hiring.:glare:

 

Many businesses have frozen hiring, laid off workers, or cut hours.

 

We are hoping for a job that doesn't have a long commute (more than 20 miles or so) simply because of the limitations it will place on either of us getting an additional PT job.

[Storm Bay]

Well, let's see, minimum wage is $6.55 times 40 hours per week, that is $1048 per month. If another person works 25 hours per week at the same pay rate, that is $655. So that is $1703 total. Yes, it technically could be possible to feed, clothe, and house a family on that amount per month. (Until recently our family of five had about that amount of income, and we had lots of extras that we could have cut.) Not comfortably by any stretch, but it could be done. I also think such a family would also qualify for government aid with that income, including food stamps and health insurance, and possibly a housing subsidy.

 

All that said, it might well be possible that the OP's husband could find a much better job than McDonalds! I was presenting a worst case scenario, just to make the point that usually a family with two adults who are able to work, could provide for the basic needs of their family.

 

Not living on your own around here, not unless you lived in some one or two room place. I have a friend with 5 children who makes it on a bit over $30K per year only because they rent from her step dad, who doesn't want to mess up his social security and charges very, very low rent for around here. And that is considered below poverty level here; MassHealth pays their share of their medical insurance and all their copays as they cannot even afford that (it must be cheaper for the state to do that than to give them MassHealth, which is based on income). She is the most frugal person I know, bar none (she grew up with almost nothing.) But if they had 7 kids with the budget you describe (minimum wage) they'd have to sell the vehicle that drives her dh to work and still probably couldn't do it if they didn't have family to rent from. And this family had 5 kids in a 3 room apartment, which technically isn't allowed (we have an affordable 3 bedroom house, and the most dc allowed in one of these is 4, right or wrong--1600 sq feet not including the basement, and there's no way we could live on that at our mortgage & escrow alone would eat up more than one of those gross incomes, and it's an affordable home, ie was sold at about half the market rate for a house this size.)

 

And if someone has the option to do better, why is it wrong to make the move? If her ds was 5, it would be a lot different, but he's nearly an adult. My oldest childhood friend had a very difficult time dealing with her 18 yo going away to university, and her dd can easily come home for the weekends--it can be hard to separate. I come from a more independent family with a different background.

 

My mother had to leave home at 15 in order to go to high school as there was none in their little community, and she couldn't go home for the weekends. She moved from a farm to Winnipeg. Two of her sisters would have had to do the same. Wish I'd thought of that in my first post in this thread. Then she was off teaching school when she was 16, and her accomodations reminded me of the olden days (shared a loft with 2 girls, they got heat from a chimney stove that came through it, and I'm talking Manitoba, not somewhere balmy like Vancouver) although this was the 1950s.

[lmrich]

I agree

[Lovedtodeath]

I think I'd respect your son's position on this. He sounds like a good , responsible kid. He thinks you guys should go and he has a safe and full life where he is. You said he can visit monthly. It may turn out that after awhile he decides to live with you. Either way this isn't horrible for him. He has two good choices and a wealth of loving family to help him in those choices.

 

What a burden it would be to him to think he's the reason you didn't leave and weren't able to give the family the security it needs.

 

I say this being free of having to go through it and I can't begin to imagine how much it must hurt but in the end, you aren't abandoning him. You aren't leaving him behind. You're doing what you need to for your whole family, him included(he NEEDS to know his family is safe and coping) and giving him the gift of respecting and supporting his choice.

 

Sign up for Skype (free!) and grab a webcom for both of you and set up ways to keep in touch. Make the time before you leave all about him and his part in the family and let him know how proud you are of him and how it's his maturity and intelligence that make you feel safe in having him stay where he is.

:iagree:

[Tree House Academy]

The economy is the worst that I have seen it in my lifetime. It is HARD to find employment right now and even people who have jobs are losing them by the thousands. I think that, at one time, it would have been easy and logical to say you or your dh could get a job. I am not as sure now...with the state of things.

 

This year, my dh came home and told me they were thinking of cutting the COL increase. I was upset, but in the end decided that we would just thank God he still had a job. It is BAD out there...as you well know from having to close your business.

 

I do hope your dh is able to find work, but if he isn't, I would not hesitate to make the move.

[OnTheBrink]

Well, the problem is, especially in this poor economy, the jobs that ARE available have a lot of applicants, or a long wait, or suddenly freeze, so nobody gets that one, or, since they CAN, those hiring take their time, say you're over-qualified or under-qualified, or not the right person for the job somehow.

 

Yes, I DO know people who have been looking for months and haven't gotten ANY job! They're really struggling right now! That's why I said what I said. These people are good, hard workers too, just somehow haven't been able to get a job, even at McDonald's! I'm not saying it's common, but since I know more than one person that it's happening to right now, I thought I'd say that it IS possible!

 

*nodding in agreement* It's a myth to assume that if someone wants work, they can find it. Not always. Not in this economy right now. And, if someone does get a minimum wage job, the chances of it being full time are very slim.

[RoughCollie]

DQ is pregnant and has a whole bunch of other kids to take care of, is in an untenable financial position, and lives in substandard housing (based on her description of it in past threads).

 

It just sounds to me like moving would be the best solution, because her family's standard of living would improve from below what most Americans would basically require.

 

It must be terrifying to be in those circumstances, and I think that moving to Florida would remove some of the immediate major stressors and give the family some breathing room while they decide how to tackle the horrific financial situation they are in after the loss of their business.

 

IOW, I think the quality of their lives, on a day-to-day basis, would improve immensely. There is a big difference between abandoning the 15 year old DS and him choosing not to go with them. DQ has no control over that. Who knows, maybe he will change his mind and join them after awhile. He will miss them, too.

Edited January 1, 2009 by RoughCollie

[Oak Knoll Mom]

Hmmm, very tough decision although in one way, a very easy decision.

 

How lucky that your son has two families who love him and are willing to provide for him and his future. Not every child has that wonderful opportunity (including your other children who only have 1 family who can provide for them.)

 

In making tough, really tough decisions, I like making analysis of the situation, primarily dealing with facts first, realities second and everything else, third.:tongue_smilie:

 

Fact: the economy is only going to get worse - things are going to be really tough for a few years. So, does your new job in FL - will it still exist in a really tough financial economy? Or will that job fold as well? If the job is likely to stand up to tough times, then moving to FL is an option. If the job is likely to fold quickly in tough economic times then I wouldn't move. However the same thing applies if you find a job where you are living now....little point in staying if you cant find a suitable job that will last through the economic depression/recession.

 

Realities: no you cant make your son move with you. He does however have a second family home that will love him, provide him with the basics of life (food, shelter, education) but maybe not be such a positive influence on him as you would like.

 

He also has his home with you that will provide him with love and the basics of life, that will always be available to him.

 

Everything else: how can you do it? Well you dont........

 

Ideally at the end of the school year, all of you move as a family to FL. You ask your son to go with you for the summer to help settle his family into their new home. He is nearly an adult and you need his help. At the end of the summer, if he decides that he wants to go back to his biodads and resume school there, then that is his decision and he is deciding that he needs to leave home.....you are not leaving him behind. He has had a chance to see where his family lives, see his bed in his new family home, feel wanted and loved and thus feels far more connected to FL in whatever decision he decides to make.

 

Whilst physically the end result is the same (son living with dad for the new school year) however psychologically it is totally different in comparison to leaving him behind and removing the rest of the family without him to FL.

 

You have provided him with a wonderful 15 years of love and guidence. Have faith in the values that you have install in him. Believe in him and yourself. Ensure that he "moves" with the family to FL (for the summer) and thus emotionally IF he goes back to his biodads for the school terms, he is only "boarding" at his dads place, not living at his dads house. All school holidays are with you and the family in FL.

 

Best wishes, it is a hard decision but you are not leaving a child behind....bring him with you and let him leave as he feels the need to.

 

:grouphug:

Fi

 

:iagree: What she said. :001_smile:

[Renee in NC]

DQ is pregnant and has a whole bunch of other kids to take care of, is in an untenable financial position, and lives in substandard housing (based on her description of it in past threads).

 

It just sounds to me like moving would be the best solution, because her family's standard of living would improve from below what most Americans would basically require.

 

It must be terrifying to be in those circumstances, and I think that moving to Florida would remove some of the immediate major stressors and give the family some breathing room while they decide how to tackle the horrific financial situation they are in after the loss of their business.

 

IOW, I think the quality of their lives, on a day-to-day basis, would improve immensely. There is a big difference between abandoning the 15 year old DS and him choosing not to go with them. DQ has no control over that. Who knows, maybe he will change his mind and join them after awhile. He will miss them, too.

 

Man, what a way to make someone feel better!:lol: Just kidding!

 

I hope to fix the problems with the "substandard" housing. I imagine that is in the eye of the beholder - I am sure there are plenty of people who'd rather live where we do then where they do. It's mostly fixable - and dh is going to have PLENTY of time to work on it!:tongue_smilie: There is a non-profit that does "winterization" in our area that I plan to contact to see if they can help us.

 

We're in FL right now to regroup, but we do plan to go home sometime next week. Dh is applying for jobs from here, but most places are not hiring for right now (January is generally slow, but I expect February to be better.) All we can do is try! (And by March or April I will be able to work as well, hopefully.)

 

I need to go home, have a baby :D, and see what happens. If he can't find a job, then he can't and we'll have to do something else (unemployment will only be about $1200 per month, so that isn't a very long term help.) My uncle will still need a good, trustworthy manager (or one of the other many relatives with businesses will need someone) and my mother will still have rental housing - it isn't a now or nothing proposition.

 

Could I leave my 15yo in NC? Yes, if I had no other options. However, I will simply hope and pray that it won't be necessary now and we are able to wait until he graduates. He left to go back to NC yesterday, and I miss him already!:001_smile:

[Trivium Academy]

Here's the good thing...if he wants to come, he'll be able to. Is your ex unwilling to work with you on visitation?

 

It is a LONG drive and plane tickets are still expensive unless you have some way to get them cheaper, it's approximately $350 roundtrip from FL to NC. Amtrak is $125 roundtrip but it's a 15 hour trip each way which would severely cut his actual time visiting if he were to visit from Friday to Sunday.

 

While it's heartbreaking to leave him, it's his decision and if he wants to try it then I would let him. Neither you or he is falling off the face of the earth, it seems like he will be okay esp. with your Dad there you have added reassurance. Maybe video visits through the computer would be the best way to go and then try visitation for the school holidays? It's going to be hard on everyone emotionally but it is open-ended. I would make sure all expectations and concerns are out on the table with ex, your dad and what you and your dh decide to do as well as your son. Even putting agreements in writing would be a good idea like a contract between the adults and your son.

 

I hope you have a good relationship with your ex, it will help tremendously during this time - otherwise it'll be just another stress.

 

:grouphug: This is very hard. I'll pray that this doesn't become a legal issue.

Edited January 1, 2009 by Trivium Academy

[Renee in NC]

Jessica, we have never paid that much for a plane ticket - we have regularly found tickets for much less than that. Sometimes the airports have to be more flexible, but generally weekend flights are much less. My mother flew to NC with her sister in October for $59 each way.

[Quiver0f10]

 

We're in FL right now to regroup, but we do plan to go home sometime next week. Dh is applying for jobs from here, but most places are not hiring for right now (January is generally slow, but I expect February to be better.) All we can do is try! (And by March or April I will be able to work as well, hopefully.)

 

 

Not ideal, but what about your DH staying in Fl and working for a bit? He could come home @ when you are due and go back a few weeks after the baby comes. He can keep applying for jobs and if one opens in NC then he comes back for the interview. If tickets are @ $59 that shouldn't be too hard.

[Renee in NC]

Not ideal, but what about your DH staying in Fl and working for a bit? He could come home @ when you are due and go back a few weeks after the baby comes. He can keep applying for jobs and if one opens in NC then he comes back for the interview. If tickets are @ $59 that shouldn't be too hard.

 

He has mentioned this. I know you stayed in ME with your 10 for a long time - how did you do it? My younger 6 will be 10, 7, 6, 4, 2, and newborn.

[Home'scool]

My family moved when I was 15 for better financial circumstances. I spent the first month throwing myself on the couch and crying, calling old friends and crying, sulking, and slamming my bedroom door and crying. I missed my job (I waitressed at an ice cream stand and ALL my friends were through this), I had a boyfriend (who I was fiercely "in love" with) and I had lived all my life in this same town.

 

Then, I started my new school. Met new friends. Took up new activities. Met LOTS of new boys (and promptly dumped my old boyfriend.)

 

Bottom line: if you asked me before, or at the beginning of the move, what I felt, I would have told you my life was ending, I was miserable, and in no way should I be moved. I even tried to live with my best girlfriend's family.

 

If you asked me 6 months into it, I would have said I was happy and adjusting and moving on with my life.

 

He is 15. He will get over it. FL to NC isn't that far and he can visit his father on a regular basis.

 

Do what is right for your WHOLE family, move your 15 yo with you over his objections, and watch as he creates a new life. It will happen.

[Scarlett]

Do what is right for your WHOLE family' date=' move your 15 yo with you over his objections, and watch as he creates a new life. It will happen.[/quote']

 

She can't. She shares joint custody with the boy's father and the boy gets to decide with which parent he will live.

[Storm Bay]

My family moved when I was 15 for better financial circumstances. I spent the first month throwing myself on the couch and crying' date=' calling old friends and crying, sulking, and slamming my bedroom door and crying. I missed my job (I waitressed at an ice cream stand and ALL my friends were through this), I had a boyfriend (who I was fiercely "in love" with) and I had lived all my life in this same town.

 

Then, I started my new school. Met new friends. Took up new activities. Met LOTS of new boys (and promptly dumped my old boyfriend.)

 

Bottom line: if you asked me before, or at the beginning of the move, what I felt, I would have told you my life was ending, I was miserable, and in no way should I be moved. I even tried to live with my best girlfriend's family.

 

If you asked me 6 months into it, I would have said I was happy and adjusting and moving on with my life.

 

He is 15. He will get over it. FL to NC isn't that far and he can visit his father on a regular basis.

 

Do what is right for your WHOLE family, move your 15 yo with you over his objections, and watch as he creates a new life. It will happen.[/quote']

 

I think it's great that you adjusted so well, but I'd be leery to advise based on one experience and given what DQ has said about the fact that she cannot force him (the courts would overrule her in a heartbeat because he's 15 and that's a proven fact.)

 

But legally this is NOT an option. Also, not everyone recovers the way you did. We have friends who had to transfer due to work and it worked to the complete detriment of their eldest who ended up a drug addict. I really, really think that choice, when it is available and safe, is not wrong. My sister, a jock, who was never considered a problem child ever, smoked pot the entire school year she was 15 because my parents went on a sabbatical and she hated it. Yes, she made friends and her grades were okay. She was harassed by black girls in the new school (she was short, white and Canadian) when she was trying out for the basketball team and ended up playing with boys at the Y who ignored her until she finally got the ball and saw she could play, but it was not a good year for her at all.

 

I went to 4 high schools (for various reasons) and the result varied enormously. When I went to Saskachewan it was awful, when I went to California where my sister had so much trouble (and hid it from the family--she naturally had red eyes due to dryness, so they couldn't see that symptom of pot smoking) it was fabulous, when I went to the city (that's what we call Vancouver where I grew up) it was not so good, and that last year would have been a horror if I hadn't been able to go home on weekends. Teens can be very tough, and making new friends in a new school depends on many factors. I did make friends in each place, but didn't thrive in all of them. I went to schools ranging from a couple of hundred to 2700 students in tiny communities to the big city, and all these things can make a difference.

 

Most of all, our dc need to learn to make choices, and we need to learn how and when to start letting go. Not that this makes it easy for DQ one bit, but had I been given my choice, my high school experience would have been radically different and much, much better. I wanted to go to an alternate school in Carcross, Yukon, but my dad, who has never, ever understood me even one iota, would have none of it. I found out decades later that my mother, who does understand me in some areas if not all, was all for it. When my dad (and I thought my mom since they did the united front) said no, that's when I went to Sask (he said yes) to get out of my environment, which was good for the entire family and especially me, it was a very bad fit indeed and I suffered more than if I'd stayed at home. I learned a lot and came home midyear, but I certainly didn't have a great rest of the year as I was back at a school with my friends, who were great, in an environment that was very bad for me (bullies at school, etc).

[Annie G]

We've been there and done that. We moved from Atlanta to northern Illinois when our oldest was about 11 and she hated it. After three years of really trying to adjust, she decided to go live with her dad in Atlanta. It worked out beautifully for her, although we missed her terribly. We all adjusted and now that she is grown, we can see that the decision was a good one. It's not that she didn't love us, it's just that she felt Atlanta was where she was supposed to be. It was there she met and married the only boy she ever dated, and she's totally happy. Yes, she'd love it if we'd move there but we just travel as much as possible and talk every day. It's not a perfect solution but I had to be the adult and do what was right for our family...we needed to get out of Atlanta and yet she wanted to be there.

You are in a tough situation but know that it can work.

[Quiver0f10]

He has mentioned this. I know you stayed in ME with your 10 for a long time - how did you do it? My younger 6 will be 10, 7, 6, 4, 2, and newborn.

 

I stayed in NH when we moved to Maine and then in Maine when we moved to Arkansas. I suggest organizing and decluttering as much as possible. We were getting ready to move both times so I packed up everything that we didn't absolutely need and put it in storage ( in a friends basement) . We also kept school to bare basics and just did the core subjects. I highly recommend something like fly lady or MOTH to help get everyone on a schedule. Also your kids are young but they can still empty the dishwasher, fold laundry, wipe down counters, vacuum and so on. Get everyone helping! And remember it isn't forever!

[Renee in NC]

I stayed in NH when we moved to Maine and then in Maine when we moved to Arkansas. I suggest organizing and decluttering as much as possible. We were getting ready to move both times so I packed up everything that we didn't absolutely need and put it in storage ( in a friends basement) . We also kept school to bare basics and just did the core subjects. I highly recommend something like fly lady or MOTH to help get everyone on a schedule. Also your kids are young but they can still empty the dishwasher, fold laundry, wipe down counters, vacuum and so on. Get everyone helping! And remember it isn't forever!

 

I don't have a problem with any of that stuff - I was more thinking about going to the grocery store, doctor's appointments, etc. Even hauling the trash off would be hard! I guess I could manage, as long as I didn't go into labor until he was back. :D

[SonshineLearner]

I feel for you! We have a situation that is somewhat the same; we thought about what we'd do if my husband lost his job. Here, he's making a good salary, but if he lost it...his chance of getting one that would pay what we need....is pretty slim.

We thought about all of the choices, he could fly back here every weekend (or every other wknd) I could drive all of us there on the wknd (depending on where he ended up.)

We live an hour from the airport and have thought about all the different choices. He has two girls (16 & 13) that we have half time...

There's the chance that you could be in a good spot to help with college....and maybe he'll end up wanting to stay in Florida (that's where, right?) with you. OR, with vacations and the summer...he might end up with you almost as much as now...

I'd say that broke and working enough to kill yourself to stay...isn't going to do anyone...any good....

(But, I might have my husband go back and forth for a few months to make sure the job situation will work out well. I told my husband, that before I moved, I wanted him to work at least a year...to make sure everything would work out.....with him going back and forth....)

 

Carrie:-)

[sunshine]

First :grouphug:. Then an admission that I didn't read pages 2-9 just 1 and 10. So this may have been suggested, if so ignore me.

 

Your child is 15. He is first, thinking he is grown enough to make a decision right? Second, you don't homeschool him right? Florida has a huge homeschool community with plug ins everywhere. Is he with you in Fl now?

 

I believe deeply in the guilt factor when rationalizing doesn't work. Explain that you need him. He is a source of strength to the whole family, the children need him (no lie there), they need the big brother to lean on while mom and dad go through this transition. You can homeschool him at first (that may take the fear of a new school) for the rest of this year. If he hates Florida, then he can move back and continue his old school in the fall. Ask his high school (and they will do this, I have done this) for the rest of the objectives for the rest of the year and the textbooks they would use so that you will know them. Tell your ds you will do this to make sure there is not a gap. Get him a cell phone with free long distance for his frequent calls to Dad and girlfriend. (she will dump him within 2 months probably). But use the heavy, I need you, love you, your family needs you, I promise you can go there on weekends etc...

 

It can work one of two ways. You know you are choosing the best for him and he may see it. It may not work and in the summer he will beat a trail back. But he will have tried it. Emphasize that it is temporary but he is so needed right now by your family. see if you can get his dad in on it. I will call his dad if you want me too to see if I can persuade him:D I mean I wouldn't tell his dad that you are trying to trick him into trying it but that you need your son right now. Being pregnant jobless, homeless and all that.

See I would use every avenue to secure my son. I am just like that. You may not be. And I understand so I won't get my feeling hurt if you say "what are you crazy????"

 

But I do pray for you.:grouphug:

[MBH]

Explain that you need him. He is a source of strength to the whole family, the children need him (no lie there), they need the big brother to lean on while mom and dad go through this transition. You can homeschool him at first (that may take the fear of a new school) for the rest of this year. If he hates Florida, then he can move back and continue his old school in the fall. Ask his high school (and they will do this, I have done this) for the rest of the objectives for the rest of the year and the textbooks they would use so that you will know them. Tell your ds you will do this to make sure there is not a gap. Get him a cell phone with free long distance for his frequent calls to Dad and girlfriend. (she will dump him within 2 months probably). But use the heavy, I need you, love you, your family needs you, I promise you can go there on weekends etc...

 

It can work one of two ways. You know you are choosing the best for him and he may see it. It may not work and in the summer he will beat a trail back. But he will have tried it. Emphasize that it is temporary but he is so needed right now by your family. see if you can get his dad in on it. I will call his dad if you want me too to see if I can persuade him:D I mean I wouldn't tell his dad that you are trying to trick him into trying it but that you need your son right now. Being pregnant jobless, homeless and all that.

See I would use every avenue to secure my son. I am just like that. You may not be. And I understand so I won't get my feeling hurt if you say "what are you crazy????"

 

But I do pray for you.:grouphug:

 

Sunshine,

 

I must say you are clever and funny at the same time. Great ideas!

[Quiver0f10]

I don't have a problem with any of that stuff - I was more thinking about going to the grocery store, doctor's appointments, etc. Even hauling the trash off would be hard! I guess I could manage, as long as I didn't go into labor until he was back. :D

 

 

Going into labor without him would stink, but not the end of the world. It's not like it's your first :D My DH missed our last birth and we were both at home LOL! Driving to the hospitasl might be a pain, maybe you could have a friend be ready to drive you? Church family to watch the other kids? Take them with you and have the 10 year old keep an eye on them in the waiting room. Not ideal, but I bet it isn't the first time the nurses will have seen that.

 

As far as the rest, same advice-get the kids to help! The 10 yo can help get the toddler dressed and into his/her car seat. You can pair them up in when you go out so an older keeps an eye on the younger. Pair them up at home too ( think Duggars lol) and assign a buddy to help them with meals, getting ready for bed etc etc. It wont be fun or easy but you can do it!