I am heartbroken

[katilac]

6 hours ago, lauraw4321 said:

I’m an estate attorney and I do not advise this. I advise that they simply state “I make no allowance for my child X in this my last will and testament.” Technically you want a signed receipt from someone proving they got what they were entitled to. Awful to try and track someone down for a spiteful $1. You just acknowledge they exist so that there’s no argument that they were forgotten. 

 

6 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

I'm confused - do you think recipients of a will are supposed to share?  why?  It was the mother's money to dispense of as she pleased.  She didn't have to leave anything to any of them.  If the siblings want to share, that's their choice - but then they will have other hoops because that isn't an inheritance from a dead relative, but a gift from someone living and the tax laws are different.

The tax laws are different, but that doesn't mean you have to jump through hoops, it just means you have to follow the tax laws. Many people who have money they want to pass on before death will give the yearly max allowed before the gift tax kicks in. 

5 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

 would you share with those who have "addiction or irredeemable behavior"?  

"Irreemable behavior" can cover a lot of territory, but yes, I would certainly help a sibling or child with an addiction. The best way to do that might not be handing them a stack of money, but there are many other ways to help. Ideally, the parent (or whomever) would put money in a trust with detailed instructions, and the executor could choose to pay for things like rehab or rent or the occasional night at a motel so they can shower, depending on the amount of money and depth of addiction. 

If those things only use a small amount of the money, there can be a second beneficiary listed for when that person passes. 

4 hours ago, Corraleno said:

The 3 page letter was petty and vindictive, but I don't understand why someone who chose to go totally no contact 15 years ago would expect — or even want — to inherit money from the person he had severed ties with. IMO, going no contact is a valid (and actually healthy) choice to make when dealing with a narcissist, but there are trade-offs for the peace of mind that comes with that, and sometimes those trade offs include being disinherited.

I was very explicit with my siblings that not only did I not expect to inherit anything from my mother, I would not accept any money from her, so it would be cleaner and easier for everyone to just leave me out of the will entirely. (Thankfully I had already gotten all the photos and documents I wanted.) They're the ones that put up with her and as far as I'm concerned, they earned every penny of whatever they inherited. She died earlier this year, and I did not attend the memorial service nor do I have any idea what was in the will.

My ex-husband cut his mother off 10 years ago, and I would not be surprised if she leaves him out of her will. My kids and I have maintained contact, and we visit as often as we can (considering she lives in the UK); I think it's likely that she will leave ex's "share" directly to my kids instead. Should my kids have to hand that money over to their abusive dad, with whom they have virtually no relationship, in order to be considered "good people"??? Or is it actually OK for their grandmother to decide what to do with her own money?

I understand the impulse to share with a disinherited sibling if the reason they were left out is unreasonable or outside of their control (being gay, being the "wrong" religion, interracial marriage, etc.). But if an adult child makes a conscious choice to go no contact, and stays no contact for an extended period of time up to and including the death of the parent, then I don't understand why they would think they had a right to money from the person they chose to cut off, or why they would expect that the siblings who maintained a relationship, and may even have cared for the parent in old age, should have to give up part of what was left to them to "make things even." The relationships were not "even" — and that was because of a conscious choice made by one of the children.

I will never regret the choice I made, because the emotional relief and peace of mind I got from going no contact is worth more than any amount of money my mother could have left me. But obviously that's a calculation everyone has to make for themselves, and if someone is going to be horribly hurt by being disinherited then they will have to decide if it's worth putting up with years of toxicity in the hope of getting some kind of payoff at the end.

I didn't get the feeling that the b-i-l expected his brothers to share, more that Scarlett thought it would be a fair and kind thing to do. If your kids inherit from their grandmother, that's a wildly different situation, and of course no one ever has to share their money. If a person's will is followed, then they did indeed get to decide what to do with their own money. 

3 hours ago, Corraleno said:

She's not doing anything from beyond the grave — 

<snip>

He explicitly said she was "not a real mother," yet he wanted her to leave him money as proof of motherly love?

 

I would argue that making someone chase him down to give him the vindictive dollar is indeed doing something spiteful from beyond the grave. It's an urban legend that leaving $1 somehow makes a difference; you just have to acknowledge that it was intentional (and you are free to use neutral language to do so). There's no way that a lawyer told her she had to do that, and the words she chose to use are her own. 

I don't think he expected money.

Just now, SKL said:

Ugh this thread is scaring me.  My folks are leaving me their house because (a) I gave them so much money over the years, way more than the value of the house and (b) they know I'm the type to help my siblings and be fair.  But what is fair?  Apparently the world will judge me whatever I do.  Praying my folks live a long time so I don't have to fight that fight any time soon.

If the money was not a gift, then you should make it an official loan on paper. The estate will pay the debt. No money left in the estate is different than SKL alone inherits, y'know?  

Or they could create a trust, which is much more private than a will and generally makes life much easier than a will. 

There are a lot of options other than a will leaving everything to one child. At the most basic level, they can certainly let your siblings know NOW that you are inheriting the house as partial payment for all of the money you have given to them.  There is zero reason for everyone to hear about it for the first time while grieving a parent's death.

 

[SKL]

22 minutes ago, katilac said:

There is zero reason for everyone to hear about it for the first time while grieving a parent's death.

Yeah I need to find the right way to ask my mom if she has told everyone about the arrangement.  If she hasn't, then I guess it will be a surprise to some.

I specifically didn't want it to be a loan, because I don't want my folks to worry about debt.  It actually doesn't matter to me if I never get it back, but it matters to them.

I also think that seeing the awkwardness of my grandma's probate made the idea of "share and share alike" less attractive, where the inheritance is one big asset that can't be sold off piecemeal.

Remind me to try to give all my stuff away before I die.

[Frances]

4 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

It wouldn't be taxed as inheritance (because it's not stipulated in the will, and they legally can't change the conditions of the will and claim that it's part of the will)

Legally it's a gift, and it would be taxed as a gift.   Tax rates, and how it affects the giver, are different.

But you don’t pay tax on a gift until you reach $13.16 million cumulatively per person and you just have to fill out a simple form if the gift is greater than $18k. I highly doubt the OP is talking about one brother giving another more than $13 million.

[Frances]

4 hours ago, SKL said:

You were doing what the deceased person probably intended, so that's a different scenario.

Had she intended I think she would have changed her will, she had 15 years of good health and sound mind after her son died and her other children encouraged her to update her will many times. For whatever reason, she chose not to.

Edited May 27 by Frances

[maize]

38 minutes ago, Frances said:

But you don’t pay tax on a gift until you reach $13.16 million cumulatively per person and you just have to fill out a simple form if the gift is greater than $18k. I highly doubt the OP is talking about one brother giving another more than $13 million.

It's a bit more complicated than this because the lifetime gift tax exclusion is also the estate tax exclusion and is cumulative over a lifetime, and this exclusion is subject to change (and is currently scheduled to decrease drastically when certain tax laws expire).

I have no idea how much the mom's estate was or how much of an estate the brothers expect to have. 

In any case, sharing the inheritance with the disinherited brother would be a kind and generous thing to do, but I don't think anyone should view it as an expectation or something they somehow owe him.

He made his own choice to distance himself.

[gardenmom5]

5 hours ago, SKL said:

You were doing what the deceased person probably intended, so that's a different scenario.

It sounds like: One person died - so she split the deceased person's share with the person who wasn't named as an inheritor in the will.   

If I'm understanding her correctly, that's not carrying out a will as intended.  The executor could get in a whole lot of legal trouble for it if so.

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, Frances said:

But you don’t pay tax on a gift until you reach $13.16 million cumulatively per person and you just have to fill out a simple form if the gift is greater than $18k. I highly doubt the OP is talking about one brother giving another more than $13 million.

There are limits per year when gifts must be reported, and are subject to tax - and taxes are due.  2ds is more up on this than am I.

 
 

[Corraleno]

2 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

There are limits per year when gifts must be reported, and are subject to tax - and taxes are due.  2ds is more up on this than am I.

 
 

No, Francis is correct, each person can give up to $18K/yr to anyone they want, and any gifts above that have to be reported, but there is NO tax due unless the giver has already exceeded their lifetime exclusion (currently ~13M, soon to go down to ~5M I believe). The IRS just keeps track of how much has been given during the person's lifetime, and then if the lifetime exclusion is exceeded, either during the person's lifetime or after death, then there is tax due.

[Scarlett]

24 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

It sounds like: One person died - so she split the deceased person's share with the person who wasn't named as an inheritor in the will.   

If I'm understanding her correctly, that's not carrying out a will as intended.  The executor could get in a whole lot of legal trouble for it if so.

If we are talking about @Frances she said she and another person split their inheritance with a person who was left out of the will. There is nothing illegal about that. 

[Frances]

26 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

It sounds like: One person died - so she split the deceased person's share with the person who wasn't named as an inheritor in the will.   

If I'm understanding her correctly, that's not carrying out a will as intended.  The executor could get in a whole lot of legal trouble for it if so.

The executor executed the will as specified, giving the deceased son’s share to his children. The children (my husband and his sister) decided afterwards to each give 1/2 to their mother and filled out a simple tax form accordingly. No taxes incurred, no executor not carrying out the will as intended.

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Frances said:

The executor executed the will as specified, giving the deceased son’s share to his children. The children (my husband and his sister) decided afterwards to each give 1/2 to their mother and filled out a simple tax form accordingly. No taxes incurred, no executor not carrying out the will as intended.

Just like my friend recently did when his dad left him Money my friend felt should go to his step mom. He just took the money and wrote his step mom a check. 

[Frances]

56 minutes ago, maize said:

It's a bit more complicated than this because the lifetime gift tax exclusion is also the estate tax exclusion and is cumulative over a lifetime, and this exclusion is subject to change (and is currently scheduled to decrease drastically when certain tax laws expire).

The vast majority of people don’t have to worry about whether the cumulative lifetime limit limit is $5m or $13m, they are never going to come even close. The main point is that it’s highly unlikely that any gift taxes would be due if the two brothers gave some of their inheritance to the third brother. At the most, they would need to complete a simple tax form.

[Scarlett]

Just now, Frances said:

The vast majority of people don’t have to worry about whether the cumulative lifetime limit limit is $5m or $13m, they are never going to come even close. The main point is that it’s highly unlikely that any gift taxes would be due if the two brothers gave some of their inheritance to the third brother. At the most, they would need to complete a simple tax form.

Exactly. If I had to guess I would say the estate is worth a total of 2 million. 

[annandatje]

11 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

 

Edited May 27 by annandatje
Other posters already addressed issue

[Scarlett]

In summary, I am heartbroken.  Yes he went no contact at her request.  I am heartbroken it came to that 15 years ago.  As to @SKL saying ‘we don’t know both sides’, well I am pretty positive I do know all the sides except I possibly have never been told just how abusive she actually was.  They were all three jerked around like puppets their entire lives and I LIVED that as a DIL for almost 30 years and then as an XW for the next 15.  My xh did step up a lot in the last 10 years or so and did a lot for her.  Older BIL has always been a user…..and I firmly believe the knower of secrets that he used against her..  Middle brother was her favorite but he just got enough and went no contact the last time she demanded that.  
 

Yes, she can leave her money to whomever she pleases.  Yes the brothers are under no legal obligation to give any of their inheritance to him. Yes he knows this, expected this and YET he is still gut punched and heartbroken. Is that so hard to understand? 
 

We don’t all get the mothers we deserve that is for sure.  

Edited May 27 by Scarlett

[Scarlett]

And just for a little extra fun detail, she left all her jewelry to her veterinarian’s wife.  She has one grand daughter and one grand son who is married……but she left it to a casual friend.

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

And just for a little extra fun detail, she left all her jewelry to her veterinarian’s wife.  She has one grand daughter and one grand son who is married……but she left it to a casual friend.

that's exactly like my mom - my dd and sons were her only grandkids.  She left nothing to any of them.  Everything was donated or destroyed.  I didn't expect or want anything from her but I thought she'd leave something to her grandkids.  

Edited May 27 by Kassia

[CTVKath]

I'm sorry for all of this and I hope your BIL can get some counseling to help him heal. He's free of her now. His brothers are not, especially the older one.

[Scarlett]

24 minutes ago, CTVKath said:

I'm sorry for all of this and I hope your BIL can get some counseling to help him heal. He's free of her now. His brothers are not, especially the older one.

I did suggest it. And I am not one to rush to counseling……but he said, ‘I am too old for that.  I will just live my life with distractions.’  I think it helped to talk to me.  

[SKL]

14 hours ago, Frances said:

Had she intended I think she would have changed her will, she had 15 years of good health and sound mind after her son died and her other children encouraged her to update her will many times. For whatever reason, she chose not to.

Maybe.  However, I think a lot of people procrastinate when it comes to making or updating a will.  Everyone thinks they still have time.

That said, if she really wanted all the money to go to the kids, then there must have been a reason for that.  Like maybe her husband was all set with retirement funds or other things that don't pass on death.  Without knowing the private intent, all we can do is try to guess and do our best.

[Frances]

28 minutes ago, SKL said:

Maybe.  However, I think a lot of people procrastinate when it comes to making or updating a will.  Everyone thinks they still have time.

That said, if she really wanted all the money to go to the kids, then there must have been a reason for that.  Like maybe her husband was all set with retirement funds or other things that don't pass on death.  Without knowing the private intent, all we can do is try to guess and do our best.

Whose husband? Her husband died 30 years before she did. I don’t think you are understanding the situation. And which kids? Four fifths of the money went to her four living children and the share for her fifth, deceased child passed to his children (two of her grandchildren) rather than to the living spouse of her deceased son.

And I don’t know what you mean by being all set with retirement funds  or other things that don’t pass on death or even who you are referring to. The entirety of the estate was a farm that was sold and the funds distributed to the heirs.

[Corraleno]

14 hours ago, Frances said:

Had she intended I think she would have changed her will, she had 15 years of good health and sound mind after her son died and her other children encouraged her to update her will many times. For whatever reason, she chose not to.

40 minutes ago, SKL said:

Maybe.  However, I think a lot of people procrastinate when it comes to making or updating a will.  Everyone thinks they still have time.

That said, if she really wanted all the money to go to the kids, then there must have been a reason for that. 

Most wills are set up so that if a child predeceases a parent, their share passes to that child's own children, not to their spouse. I think many people would be concerned that if a substantial inheritance passes to an in-law, they could remarry and then everything could end up with the new spouse and/or the new spouse's children instead of the deceased's own grandchildren. I personally know of two families where the father died, leaving everything to his 2nd wife, and then the 2nd wife gave everything (including the house and family heirlooms) to her own kids and the man's own children got nothing. So it makes sense to leave the will the way it was originally worded, and let the beneficiaries decide if they want to share it with the surviving parent.

Even if I were widowed instead of divorced, I would never in a million years ask my MIL to rewrite her will to leave the money to me instead of her grandchildren — and I've been managing her legal and financial affairs for more than 30 years, despite having been divorced for the last decade. I also personally took care of her developmentally disabled brother for 20 years, in addition to managing his legal and financial affairs, and I never asked or expected to be included in his will either; that money went to his nephews and great-nieces/nephews (including my kids).

[SKL]

11 minutes ago, Frances said:

Whose husband? Her husband died 30 years before she did. I don’t think you are understanding the situation. And which kids? Four fifths of the money went to her four living children and the share for her fifth, deceased child passed to his children (two of her grandchildren) rather than to the living spouse of her deceased son.

And I don’t know what you mean by being all set with retirement funds  or other things that don’t pass on death or even who you are referring to. The entirety of the estate was a farm that was sold and the funds distributed to the heirs.

You're right, I did not understand.  I thought the living spouse was the husband of the deceased mom.

So her son's one-fifth went to his children.  I don't know how common it is to leave money to one's deceased child's living spouse.  And again, this could have been a matter of procrastination.  It was nice of the living family to give her a share.

Edited May 27 by SKL

[Frances]

13 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

Most wills are set up so that if a child predeceases a parent, their share passes to that child's own children, not to their spouse. I think many people would be concerned that if a substantial inheritance passes to an in-law, they could remarry and then everything could end up with the new spouse and/or the new spouse's children instead of the deceased's own grandchildren. I personally know of two families where the father died, leaving everything to his 2nd wife, and then the 2nd wife gave everything (including the house and family heirlooms) to her own kids and the man's own children got nothing. So it makes sense to leave the will the way it was originally worded, and let the beneficiaries decide if they want to share it with the surviving parent.

Even if I were widowed instead of divorced, I would never in a million years ask my MIL to rewrite her will to leave the money to me instead of her grandchildren — and I've been managing her legal and financial affairs for more than 30 years, despite having been divorced for the last decade. I also personally took care of her developmentally disabled brother for 20 years, in addition to managing his legal and financial affairs, and I never asked or expected to be included in his will either; that money went to his nephews and great-nieces/nephews (including my kids).

Yes, you are understanding the situation. However, my MIL was hurt and upset that the will wasn’t changed after her husband’s death and at least some of her husband’s four siblings also thought it should be done, as they mentioned it to us (the grandchildren) more than once. I do wonder though if she had been in the will would they have asked her to help pay for her MIL’s final years as they all did (they tracked the $ and were reimbursed by the estate before the final division of assets), as my MIL would not have had the funds to do so. Unlike the four living siblings, she also was not involved in managing her MIL’s care and farm during her final years, although she did visit her once a year.
 

I’m with you in that I wouldn’t expect it if the same situation happened to me and would be fine with any inheritance instead going to my son. But my MIL also surprised me with how upset she was about the way her parent’s estate was handled which perplexed me, as she wasn’t close to them, and the siblings she was angry with were.

[Janeway]

I treated my mom well, but she always made it clear that she never wanted me. As in, if abortion had been legal, she would have aborted me. She told me this. I was unplanned and not wanted from before I was born. Despite this, I told her I love her and everything. In her will, she left me one dollar. On that note, I guess my parents saw through it and overruled her. My oldest sister tried to hide the will so I wouldn’t find out. She filed it thinking I would not know what was in it, but it’s public record and on the internet. She didn’t tell me because it was her plan and my other siblings plan to insist my mom did love me and put me in the will equally. Oh well, at least I have them. They could have cashed out on this but did not.

[Indigo Blue]

I’ve posted before that I found out a few ago on a Thanksgiving Day just before I left mom’s house that she was deceptively planning to leave everything to my gc brother. Gc brother slipped up and didn’t mean to disclose, but he did. Mom side punched him hard. That’s how I found out. So, for me, it isn’t a case of “I’m distancing from a hurtful mom, and mom subsequently cuts me out of the will”. It’s more of a mom cuts you out of the will (along with a lifetime of other hurts) so subsequently I distanced myself. I was coming down with something that day, and I left feeling sick and on the verge of tears. It was pretty crummy. 

 

Now mom is aging. I’m left wondering what my place is in it all. How much to help financially (since it’s all going to gc), how much to help physically, etc. I feel I should play a supporting role to gc, who will have all her money most likely in a joint account with gc or something. I am not sure I want/need/should offer beyond my abilities, but it’s so guilt inducing. I feel he will have her money, so they both should be expected to use that if needed and not expect other siblings to jump in…but it is all so confusing and conflicting. I don’t feel it would be fair for her to shame us other children for not helping when she has given everything to gc brother. And I mean everything. Even the house she bought and paid for is in his name. 
 

Mom clings to gc emotionally.  She has since the day he was born. They will most likely not let me step in and do necessary things and help make decisions. I feel that it might get pretty difficult. 

 

I wanted to come back and say that I am not hesitant to help mom (and I did not say that would not) just because she is going around the backdoor to give everything to gc. I am just saying it would be hard to know what to do if mom isn't using her assets to help herself because they are in an account set aside for gc. 

Edited May 27 by Indigo Blue

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

I’ve posted before that I found out a few ago on a Thanksgiving Day just before I left mom’s house that she was deceptively planning to leave everything to my gc brother. Gc brother slipped up and didn’t mean to disclose, but he did. Mom side punched him hard. That’s how I found out. So, for me, it isn’t a case of “I’m distancing from a hurtful mom, and mom subsequently cuts me out of the will”. It’s more of a mom cuts you out of the will (along with a lifetime of other hurts) so subsequently I distanced myself. 
 

Now mom is aging. I’m left wondering what my place is in it all. How much to help financially (since it’s all going to gc), how much to help physically, etc. I feel I should play a supporting role to gc, who will have all her money most likely in a joint account with gc or something. I am not sure I want/need/should offer beyond my abilities, but it’s so guilt inducing. I feel he will have her money, so they both should be expected to use that if needed and not expect other siblings to jump in…but it is all so confusing and conflicting. I don’t feel it would be fair for her to shame us other children for not helping when she has given everything to gc brother. And I mean everything. Even the house she bought and paid for is in his name. 
 

Mom clings to gc emotionally.  She has since the day he was born. They will most likely not let me step in and do necessary things and help make decisions. I feel that it might get pretty difficult. 

That is certainly a situation I would distance myself from. 😞

[Corraleno]

1 hour ago, Indigo Blue said:

I’ve posted before that I found out a few ago on a Thanksgiving Day just before I left mom’s house that she was deceptively planning to leave everything to my gc brother. Gc brother slipped up and didn’t mean to disclose, but he did. Mom side punched him hard. That’s how I found out. So, for me, it isn’t a case of “I’m distancing from a hurtful mom, and mom subsequently cuts me out of the will”. It’s more of a mom cuts you out of the will (along with a lifetime of other hurts) so subsequently I distanced myself. I was coming down with something that day, and I left feeling sick and on the verge of tears. It was pretty crummy. 

 

Now mom is aging. I’m left wondering what my place is in it all. How much to help financially (since it’s all going to gc), how much to help physically, etc. I feel I should play a supporting role to gc, who will have all her money most likely in a joint account with gc or something. I am not sure I want/need/should offer beyond my abilities, but it’s so guilt inducing. I feel he will have her money, so they both should be expected to use that if needed and not expect other siblings to jump in…but it is all so confusing and conflicting. I don’t feel it would be fair for her to shame us other children for not helping when she has given everything to gc brother. And I mean everything. Even the house she bought and paid for is in his name. 
 

Mom clings to gc emotionally.  She has since the day he was born. They will most likely not let me step in and do necessary things and help make decisions. I feel that it might get pretty difficult. 

 

I wanted to come back and say that I am not hesitant to help mom (and I did not say that would not) just because she is going around the backdoor to give everything to gc. I am just saying it would be hard to know what to do if mom isn't using her assets to help herself because they are in an account set aside for gc. 

I would go no-contact and not feel one iota of guilt about it. No one is obligated to allow themselves to be abused and manipulated by another person, not even (or perhaps especially) if the abuser is a parent. Nothing you can do will ever change the way she feels about you, because it's a her problem not a you problem. You don't owe her anything — don't allow her to continue to gaslight and use you, just walk away. I'm sorry you did not get the kind of mother that all children deserve. (((hugs)))

[Janeway]

1 hour ago, Indigo Blue said:

I wanted to come back and say that I am not hesitant to help mom (and I did not say that would not) just because she is going around the backdoor to give everything to gc. I am just saying it would be hard to know what to do if mom isn't using her assets to help herself because they are in an account set aside for gc. 

If the money is in an account for the GC, then I would say, make her get the money from that account, but do not ever pay for anything until she has nothing left. Even the state would refuse to help without putting a lien on all her accounts.

[Spryte]

29 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

I’ve posted before that I found out a few ago on a Thanksgiving Day just before I left mom’s house that she was deceptively planning to leave everything to my gc brother. Gc brother slipped up and didn’t mean to disclose, but he did. Mom side punched him hard. That’s how I found out. So, for me, it isn’t a case of “I’m distancing from a hurtful mom, and mom subsequently cuts me out of the will”. It’s more of a mom cuts you out of the will (along with a lifetime of other hurts) so subsequently I distanced myself. I was coming down with something that day, and I left feeling sick and on the verge of tears. It was pretty crummy. 

 

Now mom is aging. I’m left wondering what my place is in it all. How much to help financially (since it’s all going to gc), how much to help physically, etc. I feel I should play a supporting role to gc, who will have all her money most likely in a joint account with gc or something. I am not sure I want/need/should offer beyond my abilities, but it’s so guilt inducing. I feel he will have her money, so they both should be expected to use that if needed and not expect other siblings to jump in…but it is all so confusing and conflicting. I don’t feel it would be fair for her to shame us other children for not helping when she has given everything to gc brother. And I mean everything. Even the house she bought and paid for is in his name. 
 

Mom clings to gc emotionally.  She has since the day he was born. They will most likely not let me step in and do necessary things and help make decisions. I feel that it might get pretty difficult. 

You and I have a lot in common, though I rarely post about that topic. It’s a little bit different because I am cut off from family, and completely NC, so I don’t have to manage contact with anyone as you do. 

You don’t need to feel guilt. Your mom and brother have made a plan — and they can see it through. Unless they start asking you for help (physical, financial, etc), I would sleep knowing their plan is for him to care for her and let it be. 

My other thoughts, that come up every time you post about these people, well, @Corraleno said it best. 

 

[Scarlett]

17 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

I would go no-contact and not feel one iota of guilt about it. No one is obligated to allow themselves to be abused and manipulated by another person, not even (or perhaps especially) if the abuser is a parent. Nothing you can do will ever change the way she feels about you, because it's a her problem not a you problem. You don't owe her anything — don't allow her to continue to gaslight and use you, just walk away. I'm sorry you did not get the kind of mother that all children deserve. (((hugs)))

I am not saying NC is wrong but I would probably just create some distance cutout anything being said.