Blended families issues

[Melissa in Australia]

I can't believe how much info some know about others. I would not know what a non household member got as messages from another. I wouldn't necessarily know even with household members. 

I woukd think it none of my business really. I wouldn't ever enquire into details of step daughter father whatever relationships. 

I really are flabugasted into the amount of details some know about other families. Maybe it is a cultural thing? Here people sort of go about their own business and keep out of the personal lives of others. 

 

Edited September 1, 2023 by Melissa in Australia

[Scarlett]

11 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

I can't believe how much info some know about others. I would not know what a non household member got as messages from another. I wouldn't necessarily know even with household members. 

I woukd think it none of my business really. I wouldn't ever enquire into details of step daughter father whatever relationships. 

I really are flabugasted into the amount of details some know about other families. Maybe it is a cultural thing? Here people sort of go about their own business and keep out of the personal lives of others. 

 

 I am just being a listening ear to a person I love.  It is ok if you think that translates to me ‘not minding my business.’ 
 

And I am equally flabbergasted that other people know so little about their loved ones.  Hopefully they have someone to talk to if not you. 
 

 

Edited September 1, 2023 by Scarlett

[Ausmumof3]

40 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I don’t know why you bother replying either if you think I should not have a preconceived idea about people that I actually know and love. I asked a WWYD about a specific detail….should he or should he not have gone to lunch alone with dd.  Everyone agreed with me on that point.  Much of the rest was attacks and assumptions and I defended as it seemed I should.  

I totally get why you would feel like you have a better perspective on people you actually know than stranger who don’t. Of course you do. I guess it just puzzles me why you keep starting threads of this nature when you rarely, if ever, agree with or consider responses that are given. 
 

I usually don’t engage and I already regret it. 

[Ausmumof3]

13 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

I can't believe how much info some know about others. I would not know what a non household member got as messages from another. I wouldn't necessarily know even with household members. 

I woukd think it none of my business really. I wouldn't ever enquire into details of step daughter father whatever relationships. 

I really are flabugasted into the amount of details some know about other families. Maybe it is a cultural thing? Here people sort of go about their own business and keep out of the personal lives of others. 

 

I think Aussies in general just talk about stuff a lot less. And yet we seem to work it out mostly.

[Scarlett]

Just now, Ausmumof3 said:

I totally get why you would feel like you have a better perspective on people you actually know than stranger who don’t. Of course you do. I guess it just puzzles me why you keep starting threads of this nature when you rarely, if ever, agree with or consider responses that are given. 
 

I usually don’t engage and I already regret it. 

I disagree that I never consider others responses.  You are free to have your own opinion. And also to not waste your time with someone you consider a waste of time.  

[Melissa in Australia]

14 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

 I am just being a listening ear to a person I love.  It is ok if you think that translates to me ‘not minding my business.’ 
 

And I am equally flabbergasted that other people know so little about their loved ones.  Hopefully they have someone to talk to if not you. 
 

 

Being a listening ear then plastering it all over the internet would be viewed here as not minding your own business. 

Missed your insult at me completely 

[Scarlett]

38 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Being a listening ear then plastering it all over the internet would be viewed here as not minding your own business. 

Missed your insult at me completely 

I have no idea what the bolded means. However you definitely insulted me with your comment about me not minding my own business.  And I have plastered nothing ‘all over the internet.’  You don’t know me and you don’t know who I am talking about.  No one here does.  
 

I don’t know why you post just to tell me how stupid my post is.  

Edited September 1, 2023 by Scarlett

[Terabith]

This feels relevant.  https://www.facebook.com/1006985708/posts/pfbid0HV8R47Lket9GnSxiuqzBbZpcfCjVxxEUHAJftnCddaT6Hkm4YXc2Jt8NMaqkbTtRl/?mibextid=cr9u03

[Shoeless]

1 hour ago, Terabith said:

This feels relevant.  https://www.facebook.com/1006985708/posts/pfbid0HV8R47Lket9GnSxiuqzBbZpcfCjVxxEUHAJftnCddaT6Hkm4YXc2Jt8NMaqkbTtRl/?mibextid=cr9u03

It says content not available right now. 

Now I'm dying to know what it says!

[Catwoman]

2 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

I can't believe how much info some know about others. I would not know what a non household member got as messages from another. I wouldn't necessarily know even with household members. 

I woukd think it none of my business really. I wouldn't ever enquire into details of step daughter father whatever relationships. 

I really are flabugasted into the amount of details some know about other families. Maybe it is a cultural thing? Here people sort of go about their own business and keep out of the personal lives of others. 

 

 

1 hour ago, Ausmumof3 said:

I think Aussies in general just talk about stuff a lot less. And yet we seem to work it out mostly.

 

Please don't think it's an American thing to know so many personal details about friends and family -- it's not. Most Americans mind our own business, too. 🙂 

I would be absolutely appalled if someone I knew posted my personal problems or family issues on a forum, even if they didn't use my name. It would seem like such an invasion of privacy, and it would feel like they were sharing my hardships for their own personal entertainment. I would wonder why they would ask strangers on the internet how they felt about the things that were happening in my life. Like, what's the point, other than to feel they were proving that they were right and I was wrong about something?

Anyway, most Americans don't share so much with friends, and if they do, they assume those friends will keep the information to themselves, not discuss it on an online forum.

 

[Catwoman]

2 minutes ago, Shoeless said:

It says content not available right now. 

Now I'm dying to know what it says!

I am, too!!!

[Catwoman]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

 I am just being a listening ear to a person I love.  It is ok if you think that translates to me ‘not minding my business.’ 
 

And I am equally flabbergasted that other people know so little about their loved ones.  Hopefully they have someone to talk to if not you. 
 

 

How would those loved ones feel about you sharing their intimate personal stories and problems with all of the people on this forum? 

I would guess they don't know you're doing that, and if they found out, they would probably start looking for a new "listening ear."

[Melissa Louise]

It can be pretty normal to know a lot about other people. Friends, family...if you're a talker spending time with other talkers in close, trusting relationships, why wouldn't you?

(And in general, I don't think the 'she'll be right - not my business' mode serves a lot of us all that well - sometimes we need more openness - it would shine sunlight on a lot.)

But I would feel uncomfortable posting about my friends' business as opposed to mine.

 

 

 

[Ausmumof3]

6 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

 

Please don't think it's an American thing to know so many personal details about friends and family -- it's not. Most Americans mind our own business, too. 🙂 

I would be absolutely appalled if someone I knew posted my personal problems or family issues on a forum, even if they didn't use my name. It would seem like such an invasion of privacy, and it would feel like they were sharing my hardships for their own personal entertainment. I would wonder why they would ask strangers on the internet how they felt about the things that were happening in my life. Like, what's the point, other than to feel they were proving that they were right and I was wrong about something?

Anyway, most Americans don't share so much with friends, and if they do, they assume those friends will keep the information to themselves, not discuss it on an online forum.

 

Yeah I don’t even know if I meant necessarily personal stuff: you guys just seem to verbalise things a lot more. It can often be kinda helpful because you put into words what we might experience but not define.  But yeah, I’m sure the general approach to privacy is a spectrum like it is here. I personally absolutely hate thinking people are talking about me so try to be careful about talking about others, although I do have one person that I’m open with about everything. My DH and his mates on the other hand seem to talk about literally everything! Early in our marriage it really bothered me that he would share some stuff but that seems to have resolved.

[Ausmumof3]

5 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

It can be pretty normal to know a lot about other people. Friends, family...if you're a talker spending time with other talkers in close, trusting relationships, why wouldn't you?

(And in general, I don't think the 'she'll be right - not my business' mode serves a lot of us all that well - sometimes we need more openness - it would shine sunlight on a lot.)

But I would feel uncomfortable posting about my friends' business as opposed to mine.

 

 

 

Yeah. I feel like there’s a difference between being open about your own stuff and talking about other peoples. But I guess if they choose to share they mustn’t mind too much.

I’m checking out if this thread now as it’s not productive for me. Hopefully Scarlett got the answers she was looking for.

[Scarlett]

I just scrolled few a few pages of the chat board……many many people share a lot about other people. That confirms what I have been thinking.   So it is becoming very clear lately that a few people are determined to be negative about anything I post.  And that creates such a toxic thread a lot of people won’t post on my threads publicly.  
 

Also some of the very people who are condemning me for posting about anything that involves other people routinely demand more and more info about the situation because they don’t feel like I am giving a full picture.  
 

I have been here a long time and have often been a little blind to user names….who is posting to me, which ones are consistently contrary.  Lately I am noticing a definite pattern thanks in part to several people pointing it out to me on pm.  
 

I am usually good at ignoring the advice I don’t think applies and taking what is relevant and helpful. But if I have to use all my energy defending myself and others in my stories then it becomes a losing endeavor for me.  It really makes me sad.  

[Indigo Blue]

Is it bad that Scarlett or any of us are posting personal stuff on a forum? I’m genuinely asking. I’ve seen venting posts, JAWM posts, and all types of posts with personal information about real people. I’ve seen people even encourage others to  vent any time “we will support you here”. Isn’t that what a large purpose of the board is for? I know many choose not to do that, but so many of us do. We delete details later, if needed. Is this wrong? I’ve always thought that it is harming no one and is mentally beneficial. Some of us need to vent. I thought this was a safe, appropriate space to do so. 
 

I need advice and validation on so many things. I post more personal stuff than most probably would, but that comes out of a deep need and desperation with nowhere else to turn for advice for the types of things I post about. I personally post personal stories about only one person who has actually caused me great harm IRL. 
 

What about elder care vents and anecdotes? 
 

Isn’t this the place for us to support each other as long as all persons being discussed remain anonymous?

Edited September 1, 2023 by Indigo Blue
Typo

[Terabith]

8 hours ago, Shoeless said:

It says content not available right now. 

Now I'm dying to know what it says!

Oh sorry.  It’s just a TikTok.  It was more of a funny topical thing than important.  I need to learn how to share those in a way that works.  

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Indigo Blue said:

Is it bad that Scarlett or any of us are posting personal stuff on a forum? I’m genuinely asking. I’ve seen venting posts, JAWM posts, and all types of posts with personal information about real people. I’ve seen people even encourage others to  vent any time “we will support you here”. Isn’t that what a large purpose of the board is for? I know many choose not to do that, but so many of us do. We delete details later, if needed. Is this wrong? I’ve always thought that it is harming no one and is mentally beneficial. Some of us need to vent. I thought this was a safe, appropriate space to do so. 
 

I need advice and validation on so many things. I post more personal stuff than most probably would, but that comes out of a deep need and desperation with nowhere else to turn for advice for the types of things I post about. I personally post personal stories about only one person who has actually caused me great harm IRL. 
 

What about elder care vents and anecdotes? 
 

Isn’t this the place for us to support each other as long as all persons being discussed remain anonymous?

I think it’s absolutely fine to post your own experiences because you want to vent or because you’re worried or because you need advice, or for whatever other reason you might have, even if it’s just because you’re thinking out loud.

The reason I posted what I did was because Scarlett was talking about how she’s this great friend to people, but then she comes here and gossips about the things that they said or did, and generally, it’s only because they are doing something she doesn’t like and she wants people to tell her that she is right and they are wrong.

She may say she’s looking for input, but when people post their opinions in good faith, it turns out that what she’s not looking for support or for help for her friend or family member; she mostly just seems to be looking for an echo chamber to prove to herself what she already knows, which is that she is right and the other person is wrong. She should probably add JAWM to a lot of her threads (and it would be absolutely fine if she did that. I would respect it and I’m sure most others would as well.)

So to answer your question, I think everybody should post whatever they want to post, including Scarlett. But if you’re posting about things your friends or family have told you in confidence and you’re mainly just sharing it for your own entertainment and to see if people agree with you and not them, just hope that they never find out that you did it.

I don’t think you ever do that. Your posts always seem very heartfelt to me.

Edited September 1, 2023 by Catwoman
Forgot something!

[Catwoman]

8 minutes ago, Terabith said:

Oh sorry.  It’s just a TikTok.  It was more of a funny topical thing than important.  I need to learn how to share those in a way that works.  

I can’t figure out how to do that, either!

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

Is it bad that Scarlett or any of us are posting personal stuff on a forum? I’m genuinely asking. I’ve seen venting posts, JAWM posts, and all types of posts with personal information about real people. I’ve seen people even encourage others to  vent any time “we will support you here”. Isn’t that what a large purpose of the board is for? I know many choose not to do that, but so many of us do. We delete details later, if needed. Is this wrong? I’ve always thought that it is harming no one and is mentally beneficial. Some of us need to vent. I thought this was a safe, appropriate space to do so. 
 

I need advice and validation on so many things. I post more personal stuff than most probably would, but that comes out of a deep need and desperation with nowhere else to turn for advice for the types of things I post about. I personally post personal stories about only one person who has actually caused me great harm IRL. 
 

What about elder care vents and anecdotes? 
 

Isn’t this the place for us to support each other as long as all persons being discussed remain anonymous?

I am so happy you are able to vent and process things here.  It is the same thing I try to do.  Certainly not doing it for my own entertainment.  Like in this thread, I had been telling my friend the dad should have gone to lunch alone with his dad.  But he was so against it I started to question if I was wrong in my thinking.  Turns out everyone agreed he should have gone alone.  The only thing I took issue with was the character assignation of him and the step mom with such limited info.  Somehow that turned into me being bashed and my motives questions.  SMH.  
 

I think you are good for sure.  You don’t seem to run people the wrong way like I do.  😉

Edited September 1, 2023 by Scarlett

[Miss Tick]

I think he should have gone. But, even if he had agreed and asked when and where she wanted to meet she still might have ghosted him.

[Indigo Blue]

15 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

think you are good for sure.  You don’t seem to run people the wrong way like I do.  😉

Ah, you just never know. You never know who may be avoiding my (or anyone’s) threads and thinking “there she goes again, blah, blah, blah”. It’s probably true for a lot of us, but it’s because we all are so opinionated here but also very different in a lot of our opinions. I do enjoy your posts. 

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Ah, you just never know. You never know who may be avoiding my (or anyone’s) threads and thinking “there she goes again, blah, blah, blah”. It’s probably true for a lot of us, but it’s because we all are so opinionated here but also very different in a lot of our opinions. I do enjoy your posts. 

If only those people would avoid my threads! 😱🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

[Idalou]

You began by saying the girl visited( spent days as decreed in tne divorce) until she was 16, got a car, did drugs. And that mom posted pics on FB of her and daughter drinking alcohol? 

  Is there animosity between mom and stepmom that has been absorbed by the teen? Was mom's house the "fun" place where she could stay out late and party while dad had stricter rules? Do you know any specific reasons the teen claimed to hate the sm, or could it have been an easy reason for a typical 16yo girl to say to not have to spend visitation days with a perhaps more boring dad who wouldn't allow her to stay out past a curfew.

Could there be some long-term feelings of abandonement, combined with immaturity and even possible drug use that caused her to just quit the stepfamily altogether? Does her dad give her money when she does come around?

I do think he should see her privately. Maybe she only wants money again, maybe she wants a relationship with only him, but as the adult he needs to keep trying. She may, as a young adult, genuinely have no feelings for her stepfamily. People change, and that's ok. That might break her dad's heart, but children have a way of doing that.

Edited September 1, 2023 by Idalou

[Indigo Blue]

12 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

If only those people would avoid my threads! 😱🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Lol. I just want us to all get along. Some of the same ones have been around for a long time. We know each other by now. Let’s just sit around and talk, each of us, warts and all. We all have warts, and we all have lots of really neat things about us, too. 
 

Ok. That sounds reallly cheesy. But it’s how I feel. 😬

[pinball]

36 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Ah, you just never know. You never know who may be avoiding my (or anyone’s) threads and thinking “there she goes again, blah, blah, blah”. It’s probably true for a lot of us, but it’s because we all are so opinionated here but also very different in a lot of our opinions. I do enjoy your posts. 

The majority of your threads are “JAWM” and “don’t quote”

you sent your threads up so if someone comes in and disagrees, they are breaking the “rules”

and no one can quote…so unlike what some posters were able to do here, in this thread, when the posts from the OP appeared contradictory, there is no way to quote your posts side by side to get clarification 

so there’s that

 

 

[Indigo Blue]

6 minutes ago, pinball said:

The majority of your threads are “JAWM” and “don’t quote”

you sent your threads up so if someone comes in and disagrees, they are breaking the “rules”

and no one can quote…so unlike what some posters were able to do here, in this thread, when the posts from the OP appeared contradictory, there is no way to quote your posts side by side to get clarification 

so there’s that

 

 

Well, I’m not going to respond to that and further derail Scarlett’s thread. 

[Scarlett]

40 minutes ago, Idalou said:

You began by saying the girl visited( spent days as decreed in tne divorce) until she was 16, got a car, did drugs. And that mom posted pics on FB of her and daughter drinking alcohol? 

  Is there animosity between mom and stepmom that has been absorbed by the teen? Was mom's house the "fun" place where she could stay out late and party while dad had stricter rules? Do you know any specific reasons the teen claimed to hate the sm, or could it have been an easy reason for a typical 16yo girl to say to not have to spend visitation days with a perhaps more boring dad who wouldn't allow her to stay out past a curfew.

Could there be some long-term feelings of abandonement, combined with immaturity and even possible drug use that caused her to just quit the stepfamily altogether? Does her dad give her money when she does come around?

I do think he should see her privately. Maybe she only wants money again, maybe she wants a relationship with only him, but as the adult he needs to keep trying. She may, as a young adult, genuinely have no feelings for her stepfamily. People change, and that's ok. That might break her dad's heart, but children have a way of doing that.

There is just so much. Definitely more than I have time to post.  I don’t see anything particularly unusual about their blended family…..all families  have problems in my experience. The mom has done a couple of really really crappy and alienating things and outright telling her dd to ‘do it anyway, your dad won’t say anything’.  One of the terrible things the mom did devastated the dad.  It literally pushed him to the brink of survival.

But he pulled out of that and kept being a dad.  There did not seem to be any issues between dd and step mom…..so yes I do believe when she got her freedom with driving and no restrictions at all….she just went wild.  Yes her moms house is the party house for sure.  Dad tried to co parent with the mom but she just would not.  Dd got mad when she was told to not come to their house high. Step mom has taken all of this way too personal because she is crushed knowing she was a good step mom. I wasn’t trying to paint myself as ‘some great friend’, but I am her friend and I do try to talk her off the ledge and to help her stay calm and not vent to her Dh because he just feels torn.  
Even though they haven’t handled everything perfectly in a very challenging situation I did not like having them slammed as horrible people.  I mean, let’s just give a little grace to everyone.  I even say that about the dd.  Agree she has behaved very badly and been very rude to them but let’s remember she is a teen.  
 

I don’t know.  I just feel bad for the step mom because she is my friend.  

[WildflowerMom]

It's very clear a few people don't like Scarlett and will dig in deep to 'expose' her every chance they get.   Whatever.   Just block 'em Scarlett, who cares what they think.   

I think you were spot on to tell stepmom not to discuss it with her dh, but instead with her therapist.   I would actually encourage dh to have a relationship with the dd as I can see from a mile away that the relationship she has with her bio mom will probably blow up spectacularly in the future.   

[Idalou]

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

There is just so much. Definitely more than I have time to post.  I don’t see anything particularly unusual about their blended family…..all families  have problems in my experience. The mom has done a couple of really really crappy and alienating things and outright telling her dd to ‘do it anyway, your dad won’t say anything’.  One of the terrible things the mom did devastated the dad.  It literally pushed him to the brink of survival.

But he pulled out of that and kept being a dad.  There did not seem to be any issues between dd and step mom…..so yes I do believe when she got her freedom with driving and no restrictions at all….she just went wild.  Yes her moms house is the party house for sure.  Dad tried to co parent with the mom but she just would not.  Dd got mad when she was told to not come to their house high. Step mom has taken all of this way too personal because she is crushed knowing she was a good step mom. I wasn’t trying to paint myself as ‘some great friend’, but I am her friend and I do try to talk her off the ledge and to help her stay calm and not vent to her Dh because he just feels torn.  
Even though they haven’t handled everything perfectly in a very challenging situation I did not like having them slammed as horrible people.  I mean, let’s just give a little grace to everyone.  I even say that about the dd.  Agree she has behaved very badly and been very rude to them but let’s remember she is a teen.  
 

I don’t know.  I just feel bad for the step mom because she is my friend.  

  Yes, the stepmom has a fine line to walk with voicing her concerns and frustrations about the teen with her husband. I think I'd stress to her that she let him know the girl needs her dad foremost and that means she( stepmom) will not be a part of it until the daughter chooses, and she has no qualms about how long it takes. I'm sure it makes the other children sad, though. I think it's perfectly acceptable to ask that a person not come to your home if they are high, whether it's a daughter or non-relative. If she is abusing drugs that's another reason he should try to remain in contact with her, to see if she's open to getting help. If she's just occasionally smoking pot, then sure, just say sorry I would prefer you not to in my home.

ETA- Maybe obvious, but I don't object to young adults smoking pot. I don't know which southern states you're in, but I'd guess it's still illegal there?

 

Edited September 1, 2023 by Idalou

[Scarlett]

48 minutes ago, Idalou said:

  Yes, the stepmom has a fine line to walk with voicing her concerns and frustrations about the teen with her husband. I think I'd stress to her that she let him know the girl needs her dad foremost and that means she( stepmom) will not be a part of it until the daughter chooses, and she has no qualms about how long it takes. I'm sure it makes the other children sad, though. I think it's perfectly acceptable to ask that a person not come to your home if they are high, whether it's a daughter or non-relative. If she is abusing drugs that's another reason he should try to remain in contact with her, to see if she's open to getting help. If she's just occasionally smoking pot, then sure, just say sorry I would prefer you not to in my home.

ETA- Maybe obvious, but I don't object to young adults smoking pot. I don't know which southern states you're in, but I'd guess it's still illegal there?

 

Right. I am not sure if it is legal in TX but when I said drugs I was not talking about pot. 

[zimom]

20 hours ago, Scarlett said:

 The girl has sent her dad some very ugly texts. He has only responded with kindness.

Seriously, how do you know this to be true?  I've read this thread with interest.  I was a 'kid' of 19 when I acquired a new 'stepmom' after losing MY mom the year before.  I just will absolutely never understand a parent who will choose a new partner over their own children.  Who does that????   She may be 19 but she is a child!   You may not have told every single fact but you have certainly told enough and her father is wrong.  He needs to be doing everything possible to salvage this relationship because he is the adult, he is the father.  And you do NOT know everything that has transpired.  And the stepmother is NOT her parent at all so none of that is relevant.  She needs to take herself out of the equation altogether.   Geez, stay out of other people's lives.  

[lauraw4321]

9 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I just scrolled few a few pages of the chat board……many many people share a lot about other people. That confirms what I have been thinking.   So it is becoming very clear lately that a few people are determined to be negative about anything I post.  And that creates such a toxic thread a lot of people won’t post on my threads publicly.  
 

Also some of the very people who are condemning me for posting about anything that involves other people routinely demand more and more info about the situation because they don’t feel like I am giving a full picture.  
 

I have been here a long time and have often been a little blind to user names….who is posting to me, which ones are consistently contrary.  Lately I am noticing a definite pattern thanks in part to several people pointing it out to me on pm.  
 

I am usually good at ignoring the advice I don’t think applies and taking what is relevant and helpful. But if I have to use all my energy defending myself and others in my stories then it becomes a losing endeavor for me.  It really makes me sad.  

Yes. You definitely trigger people. I don’t really understand why, but you aren’t off here (in my estimation).