How did you know you were done having babies?

[lauraw4321]

The switch isn’t fully turned off for me, but is slowly. I think it’s 100% hormones. I wanted 2. DH wanted 4. We compromised at 3. I’m starting to be more excited about possible grands than any more of my own. DH had V so door is definitely shut. 

[Momto6inIN]

At various times over the past 25 years, either DH or I has felt "done" but the other didn't so nothing permanent was done and we took our chances. I felt overwhelmed with 3 littles all in a row and wanted to be done at that point, but DH didn't. By the time a few years had passed and they all weren't little anymore, I felt differently and we had #4 intentionally. Neither one of us felt strongly that we were done, and so #5 happened as a surprise a few years later. At that point DH felt "done" but I really didn't. I got pregnant again but that ended in a miscarriage. I was 41 and didn't feel done, but also felt like I was getting too old. I had lots of complicated feelings to work through, and finally felt okay with the idea that there were not going to be any more babies in our future. I got rid of our baby stuff and started thinking about asking DH for a vasectomy. At that point I was 44.5 and somehow got pregnant with our #6 who was born shortly after my 45th birthday.

It wasn't until after she was born that both DH and I were on the same page and a V was a no brainer that we barely had to even talk about. We both feel at peace with that decision, but it really did need to be both of us feeling the same way at the same time.

[mommyoffive]

4 minutes ago, Momto6inIN said:

At various times over the past 25 years, either DH or I has felt "done" but the other didn't so nothing permanent was done and we took our chances. I felt overwhelmed with 3 littles all in a row and wanted to be done at that point, but DH didn't. By the time a few years had passed and they all weren't little anymore, I felt differently and we had #4 intentionally. Neither one of us felt strongly that we were done, and so #5 happened as a surprise a few years later. At that point DH felt "done" but I really didn't. I got pregnant again but that ended in a miscarriage. I was 41 and didn't feel done, but also felt like I was getting too old. I had lots of complicated feelings to work through, and finally felt okay with the idea that there were not going to be any more babies in our future. I got rid of our baby stuff and started thinking about asking DH for a vasectomy. At that point I was 44.5 and somehow got pregnant with our #6 who was born shortly after my 45th birthday.

It wasn't until after she was born that both DH and I were on the same page and a V was a no brainer that we barely had to even talk about. We both feel at peace with that decision, but it really did need to be both of us feeling the same way at the same time.

I think that is a big thing.  I felt done after 5 kids for a long time.  But dh wasn't.  At a certain point I was not done anymore and he had always wanted one more during that time.  I think that makes me feel even worse about it.  

[ArteHaus]

3 hours ago, mommyoffive said:

When we had 4 kids, we were in a 7-passenger minivan.  All 4 in carseats.

When we went to 5 kids, we were on the fence of an 8-passenger minivan or 10 or 12 passenger van.  The bigger van wouldn't fit in our garage and that is what stopped us at that point.  I wish we had the bigger van for space in the car.  However, my kids got into an activity that is really far from our house, and that would have made it cost even more to get there.  When we had 5 in the 8-passenger minivan all 5 were in carseats.  It is just as squishy now with 3 of my kids adult sized and the 4th almost at the point.  

Ah, yes, duh. Minivans, that is how people haul their cubs to and fro’🤪

Five car seats, lol. That is crazy. Surely I am not the only one that loathes car seats. I hate popping them in and out. Five would have my head spinning:))

 

 

[MEmama]

13 hours ago, Catwoman said:

One and done! 😄

I love my ds23 with all of my heart, but I never wanted any more than one child. Fortunately, my dh and I were in agreement. 🙂 

Same.

Neither of us really cared about having kids one way or the other. We decided to stop trying not to as I approached 30; I figured that was the now or never moment. I didn't want to have a kid when I was any older, so if it hadn't worked pretty quickly we would have taken permanent measures. DH would have been fine with two (or none) but I never wanted more than one, if any.
 

DS is my favorite person in the universe but I do feel a lot of guilt about bringing him into the world. I don't expect or care about grandkids (I mean, I would love them of course, it's just not important to me in any way).

[lewelma]

When the doc said after my 2nd something like, "you can have 1 more if you want, but if you do we will need to corset you while you are pregnant and then use surgical mesh to rebuild your abdomen. This could lead to lifelong back trouble."  I turned to my dh, and said well, that doesn't sound so good. And we were done at 2. 

[Emba]

I didn’t feel any sensation of a switch turning off, but I did not enjoy pregnancy, and there were complications when my youngest was born. After I was out of surgery and we were back in the room, holding my new baby, I looked my husband in the eyes and told him very firmly that I did not ever want to birth another child from my body. I’ve never had a change of heart on that.  As time went on, I also. . .just felt like three was enough. I couldn’t be as good a mom to more.  Maybe I could rise to the occasion if I needed to, but I don’t want to need to.  
 

I don’t know, I just never hold a baby and think “Aww, I want another one of these”, even though people assume that I do/should. There was a brief period of time where I did.

[SKL]

Two has felt like the right number for me ever since I took custody of my kids.  😛  Before, I used to think I wanted 6.

Extremely rarely, I get a funny feeling about possibly fostering or even adopting another child, but my rational mind beats that idea down immediately.  Why?  Well, SKL gets tired and stressed out a lot, I live with other non-maternal-leaning adults, my dog hates new people, and 18+ years is a long commitment.  I selfishly want to look forward to relaxing someday, if that isn't unreasonable.

(That said, if anyone in my family suddenly needed a parent / parental figure, I feel I would step up.)

[kathyl]

I actually never wanted kids when I was growing up, so no set number was even on my radar.  Eventually I had 6 kids and I knew I was done.

I adored my (own) babies/kids, but I never enjoyed being pregnant.  All my babies were 10 pounds or more and I'm 5'3".  Add in moving every 4 years or so and having 5 of them in 10 years.

Also, I always felt like I was raising the dc by myself.  A dh who worked very long hours and who often acted worse than any of our kids ever did.  ie. I actually had 6 kids and one grown 'problem child'.

So after the birth of our 6th baby, dh got a vasectomy, and we were done.  We were 37yo.

Also, I remember a thought clearly popping into my head one day when #6 was a newborn that "I think I'd like to have a few more - just not with YOU (dh)".  Since divorce was not an option, that was that.

Edited August 29, 2023 by kathyl

[ktgrok]

When I realized I was too tired and old to want to do teething and sleepless nights again. Especially teething. My kids teeth really young, before they can manage to hold a teething ring in their mouths well, or are eating solid food. (one was born with teeth!)

And they ALL were bad sleepers until 2-3 yrs old. heck, the 6 yr old still wakes up once a week during the night. I had her a few weeks shy of my 41st birthday. By the time she was sleeping well enough to handle another kid I was just old and tired and knew my body and mind were not up for it again.  I also have chronic SI joint pain that I know would be VERY painful if I had another pregnancy. So pain and no sleep at this age...just no. I love love love babies, but I don't think I could do another round of no sleep for years on end. 

[ktgrok]

5 hours ago, Momto6inIN said:

At various times over the past 25 years, either DH or I has felt "done" but the other didn't so nothing permanent was done and we took our chances. I felt overwhelmed with 3 littles all in a row and wanted to be done at that point, but DH didn't. By the time a few years had passed and they all weren't little anymore, I felt differently and we had #4 intentionally. Neither one of us felt strongly that we were done, and so #5 happened as a surprise a few years later. At that point DH felt "done" but I really didn't. I got pregnant again but that ended in a miscarriage. I was 41 and didn't feel done, but also felt like I was getting too old. I had lots of complicated feelings to work through, and finally felt okay with the idea that there were not going to be any more babies in our future. I got rid of our baby stuff and started thinking about asking DH for a vasectomy. At that point I was 44.5 and somehow got pregnant with our #6 who was born shortly after my 45th birthday.

It wasn't until after she was born that both DH and I were on the same page and a V was a no brainer that we barely had to even talk about. We both feel at peace with that decision, but it really did need to be both of us feeling the same way at the same time.

Totally get this. DH was "done" after kid 3..but I was not. We used protection and eventually DH changed his mind and was whole heartedly up for another one. After her, we were both done. 

[BusyMom5]

I was done at 5, then had a 6th 6 years later 🤷‍♀️. That pregnancy was awful!  Throwing up the whole 9 months and through the labor, too!  I just feel like I have no desire to be PG or have a newborn anymore. 

[Momof4sweetkids]

Thanks everyone! It's so interesting to read the different thought processes. With the amount of surprise babies in this thread and the fact that most forms of BC are off the table for us, I should probably stay open-hearted toward the idea no matter what. I'm only 31 so quite a few fertile years left!

[Not_a_Number]

I both don’t feel done (we have 2 but wanted 3 or 4, but our marital issues got in the way) and don’t on balance want any more 😕.

I feel wistful about it. There things I want to do when I’m done homeschooling, and having another one would leave too little time. And I’m not sure my marriage would survive the stress — at least not now, and now would be the time.

So I’ve reluctantly decided I’m done. But I don’t FEEL it. It kind of sucks.

[annandatje]

I was done when I had as many as I felt I could support on my own if I ever had to.  Originally we had planned to have one more child, but youngest had special needs which required intensive parenting.  

[QueenCat]

Having my tubes tied following ds2's birth, minutes later, ended baby-making for me. 

[ktgrok]

15 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

I both don’t feel done (we have 2 but wanted 3 or 4, but our marital issues got in the way) and don’t on balance want any more 😕.

 

That does play a role! There are 10 years between my first and second because my marriage to my first husband was not healthy enough to add another kid to it. Then I got remarried and was pregnant about 6 months later. That relationship WAS healthy enough for another kid.

Now the relationship is, but my body and energy levels are not. I do think for me it is likely hormonal as much as anything - my only signs of perimenopause are insomnia and slightly shorter period (every 28 days still, but only 3 days long), but I'm betting a lack of interest in having more babies is from my body knowing it is about done.

Also, I had an .ultrasound tech who trained in fertility clinics say when I was 41 that  if I wasn't careful I'd be pregnant at 50 based on my young looking ovaries. For a few years I was willing to embrace an oops if it happened, but last year DH had a vasectomy because I was approaching 47 and with various health stuff didn't feel it was safe or responsible to risk an oops at that point. And given that only half my kids were on purpose....yeah.  (DH has very hardy sperm and I have lots of eggs - gene for hyperovulation)

[busymama7]

17 hours ago, Momof4sweetkids said:

Thanks everyone! It's so interesting to read the different thought processes. With the amount of surprise babies in this thread and the fact that most forms of BC are off the table for us, I should probably stay open-hearted toward the idea no matter what. I'm only 31 so quite a few fertile years left!

I never really felt done.  We didn't use birth control and had 10 babies in 17 years (one was still born).  I had my last at 37 just 20 months after the previous and I didn't feel done but no more babies came.  She's 9 now and I do feel complete but always would have welcomed more babies. I love the baby stage and miss it a lot.  But also I'm older now and know I couldn't actually do a baby at this stage. I also have new health challenges so it's best but it still makes me sad sometimes. I don't think I will ever not miss babies. 

[Hannah]

On 8/29/2023 at 6:13 PM, Condessa said:

I am 8 weeks pregnant now and sick as a dog, and I am quite sure this is the last pregnancy.  

Congratulations! Wishing you a healthy pregnancy!

[PronghornD]

After adopting our first, I became totally overwhelmed with the extra issues that came from my child's past. I knew that if I adopted a second with equally challenging needs, I would not be able to meet the needs of both children. And how could I choose when both desperately needed my full attention?