I think I made a mistake

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, marbel said:

I'm wondering this too. If the only people you are truly honest with are anonymous people on the internet... well that's not going to help you. But it sounds as if you present yourself in a very curated way to the people in your life. Does that include therapists you have been to see? 

You also said:

"Other days, I am obsessed with this board and cannot enjoy conversations with other people as I spend my whole time coming up with things to say for this board.   So many days I am fine."

So you only come here when you are feeling down, get a bunch of people to respond to you with suggestions to make things better for yourself, but it's all just meaningless to you the next day when you feel fine? Have I got that right?  You're just yanking our chains because you are "obsessed?" 

 

Sort of.  I am definitely better when I am not on this board.  But it is like an obsession I cannot keep away from.  Again, I have no self-discipline. And yes, I can tell and/or know a lot of the "right" answers to say. 

[Grace Hopper]

Are you willing to share the name/address of your blog here?

[Heartstrings]

Maybe something like a TikTok would help you get more immediate feedback on your work and you would get to add videoing and editing.  

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, Grace Hopper said:

Are you willing to share the name/address of your blog here?

Nope. If I did that. I could never ever ever post here again.  

[marbel]

5 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Sort of.  I am definitely better when I am not on this board.  But it is like an obsession I cannot keep away from.  Again, I have no self-discipline. And yes, I can tell and/or know a lot of the "right" answers to say. 

So, you don't really want advice or help when you come here? You will forget it all the next time you wake up feeling good? You should probably put JAWM or "just venting" in your subject line so people don't spend time and energy giving you suggestions that you don't actually want.

I suppose this sounds harsh and cruel and I don't mean to be. But it really sounds as if you are just fooling around here, killing time but people are actually trying to help you. Maybe I am misunderstanding and I'd be happy to be shown that I am wrong. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, marbel said:

So, you don't really want advice or help when you come here? You will forget it all the next time you wake up feeling good? You should probably put JAWM or "just venting" in your subject line so people don't spend time and energy giving you suggestions that you don't actually want.

I suppose this sounds harsh and cruel and I don't mean to be. But it really sounds as if you are just fooling around here, killing time but people are actually trying to help you. Maybe I am misunderstanding and I'd be happy to be shown that I am wrong. 

No, I have taken some advice from here for sure. But yeah... wasting time.  Which as I said, I would like to be self-disciplined and NOT do that but I do not know how. 

[KSera]

14 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

No, I have taken some advice from here for sure. But yeah... wasting time.  Which as I said, I would like to be self-disciplined and NOT do that but I do not know how. 

Maybe the kind of therapy most helpful for you would be internet addiction therapy then. From what you’re saying, it sounds like you find the time you spend here to be the actual problem more than anything else. That’s a treatable problem. 

[Heartstrings]

All of the rest of us are here “wasting” time too.  

[Rosie_0801]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I am not sad.  I  laugh with friends and my husband. It all stems back to the fact I cannot answer what I want.  When hubby and I were talking about it, he kept saying, "I want you to do what YOU want to do.  You have supported me.  You go along with all of my stuff, but we need to make sure we do what YOU want to do..."  I cannot answer that question.  I have no clue.  I could literally do just about anything I wanted to do: buy a plane ticket to Paris.  Read all day ( I am currently reading 5 books.) Go work missions 24/7.  What does God want me to do?  What do I want?   I cannot answer either question.

Well, for the last seven years I haven't been allowed to do what I want to do and I'm never going to be able to do what I want to do. That's in terms of activities. Who I am is a different matter. There are choices I can make about who I want to be, within the limits of the raw material.

You want to maintain your facade for the people you know irl. That's what you tell us in every one of these threads. 

 

[SHP]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

No, I have taken some advice from here for sure. But yeah... wasting time.  Which as I said, I would like to be self-disciplined and NOT do that but I do not know how. 

 

This quote has helped me:

"I Only Write When Inspiration Strikes. Fortunately It Strikes at Nine Every Morning."

This is how I structure my day. I start my work at X time and I do nothing else for a specific amount of time. I may turn out crap. I may make a masterpiece (one day). I may work with prompts. I may tidy up. The point t is that I have a start time and I do it every day. It was especially helpful during the pandemic when I was at home and had to be 100% self directed and motivated.

 

I tend to be more online when I don't have enough stimulation and activities to keep me engaged off line. Currently, my house is quiet and I am sitting in the kitchen facing the dishwasher I need to empty and am staring at my phone instead. What I will do after this post is turn on my audiobook* and start moving, it will only take a couple of minutes to unload the dishwasher. Once I start doing something, I will likely remain engaged in my physical environment for several hours. I will not continue cleaning, instead I will move outside and start measuring and marking where my next hardscaping and landscaping projects will be at since it is my current project and is something that I am interested in doing.  

 

*I use audio books and not TV. TV invites a person to sit and watch since it is a visual as well auditory media. An audio book is just auditory and can go anywhere.

[regentrude]

35 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

No, this is more from writing programs/places about building your platform/finding readers. 

Yes, of course if the primary goal is to "build your platform/attract readers", then "giving advice" tends to draw in a lot of people.
But is this actually your main goal, to create an audience? If so, yes, you have to write what audiences demand. But what's the point? You resent the work it takes to market your writing (we had a discussion about that and social media just recently), you don't need to write for readers to make a living - so you're in the wonderfully privileged position to be able to write whatever you please. However much you want to write. As long as it is enjoyable. If there's no joy in it, just stop.

[SHP]

Re: Routine Changing

I wanted to address that since I saw you mention it. I get that. My experience is different. My usual thing is on hold for the summer do to multiple reasons, instead I am organizing my house and working outside on my projects. These have a start time just like above. 

Today was tackling a bathroom at my morning start time. I completed that in a short time and the hardscaping and landscaping I mentioned are bonuses. 

These are things I both want and need. I have a need for my house to be organized after being so sick for so long. I want the outside to be a place to entertain and enjoy myself. 

[regentrude]

32 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

No, I have taken some advice from here for sure. But yeah... wasting time.  Which as I said, I would like to be self-disciplined and NOT do that but I do not know how. 

What is the forum providing for you? What need does it fulfill? If you identify that, try to replace that with something IRL that fills the same need.
You cannot just "cut it out" and leave a vacuum.

I hear you. I am here more when I feel disconnected and have too little interaction with live people, too little stimulation from activities. So for me, the key is to get together with friends, or go for a hike, or attend an event.
Sometimes I read here to relax, when I am too tired to do something else. Just some pleasant chat. Yes, one could call it "wasting" time. Or simply a pleasant pastime. You are entitled to that, too.

Perhaps if you can find out what need your internet time fulfills, you can find out what you need to do to replace it.

Edited July 3, 2023 by regentrude

[itsheresomewhere]

Finding a good therapist can take work and you have to be completely honest with them.  Look for one who is not any religion based to start getting help and then maybe add one to your care who is part of your religion.  You sound depressed and lost within yourself.  Maybe a service like better help could get you started on the write path and get you more comfortable with therapy. 

[Rosie_0801]

3 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Perhaps if you can find out what need your internet time fulfills, you can find out what you need to do to replace it.

It's a reset button.

[TexasProud]

Just now, itsheresomewhere said:

Finding a good therapist can take work and you have to be completely honest with them.  Look for one who is not any religion based to start getting help and then maybe add one to your care who is part of your religion.  You sound depressed and lost within yourself.  Maybe a service like better help could get you started on the write path and get you more comfortable with therapy. 

I have had 4 different therapists and yes, one came from better help.  Everytime the board has suggested it, I have eventually gone.  No help whatsoever. The best help I have gotten has been from my spiritual director, to be honest.

It isn't that I am NOT honest.  It is hard to explain.  But like today, I woke up knowing it was a bad day and thinking about the board. I just wake up that way some days.   But then, on the day I go to the therapist, I am fine.  I can "be honest" but I am in such a better place that they think and I probably am fine.  I have a ton of head knowlege.  I am currently reading The Body Keeps Score. 

[TexasProud]

31 minutes ago, KSera said:

Maybe the kind of therapy most helpful for you would be internet addiction therapy then. From what you’re saying, it sounds like you find the time you spend here to be the actual problem more than anything else. That’s a treatable problem. 

Perhaps. 

[KungFuPanda]

It sounds like you are extrinsically motivated. Can you just go with it? Invite your friends to a party, then you’ll definitely plan it and get to enjoy your friends. Or get a string of lunch dates on the calendar with those friends you don’t always have time for.  Can you do a short term exercise class?  I’m not great at exercising on my own but I will attend every class I’ve signed up for and fully participate. Even when I don’t feel like going, I’m always glad I went. Can you have a standing date with a friend to do a video workout at your house? It’s few and gives you exercise, accountability, and a social connection.
 

What about a writer’s retreat? Or a writer’s club for motivation/accountability? Book a weekend in an off grid cabin, bring your writing materials, some good books, some mostly healthy food, and a few treats.  No distracting internet!  A change and a reset might get you past this funk. Or give yourself permission to take a summer hiatus from this hobby to try something new. Just because you did something for a season it doesn’t mean you are morally obligated to do it for all time. You could even get unapologetically into a serious movie and pizza marathon for a solid week then plan some exercise and meal planning for the following week. 

[TexasProud]

6 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

It sounds like you are extrinsically motivated. Can you just go with it? Invite your friends to a party, then you’ll definitely plan it and get to enjoy your friends. Or get a string of lunch dates on the calendar with those friends you don’t always have time for.  Can you do a short term exercise class?  I’m not great at exercising on my own but I will attend every class I’ve signed up for and fully participate. Even when I don’t feel like going, I’m always glad I went. Can you have a standing date with a friend to do a video workout at your house? It’s few and gives you exercise, accountability, and a social connection.
 

What about a writer’s retreat? Or a writer’s club for motivation/accountability? Book a weekend in an off grid cabin, bring your writing materials, some good books, some mostly healthy food, and a few treats.  No distracting internet!  A change and a reset might get you past this funk. Or give yourself permission to take a summer hiatus from this hobby to try something new. Just because you did something for a season it doesn’t mean you are morally obligated to do it for all time. You could even get unapologetically into a serious movie and pizza marathon for a solid week then plan some exercise and meal planning for the following week. 

I am trying to do stuff like this.  For example, I signed up for Unchained Writers and am paying to be held accountable for my writing.  My current writing club has been a disaster.  Leader is nice but her style is so different than mine and I disagree with all of her edits.  Everyone has dropped out except me,so I finally did as well.  I am part of another writing group and put out a plea a couple of days ago.  I have 3 ladies and we are going to try to do that.  I just can't do any of that until the kids leave and VBS is over...  I mean I cannot have my ultimate writing schedule.  That is my problem.  The days it goes well, it goes super well, but if something throws me off I give completely up even though I could salvage it.  

If my daughter wasn't here and my husband didn't need to check in once a day, I would so take the internet somewhere.

[regentrude]

8 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I am trying to do stuff like this.  For example, I signed up for Unchained Writers and am paying to be held accountable for my writing.  My current writing club has been a disaster.  Leader is nice but her style is so different than mine and I disagree with all of her edits.  Everyone has dropped out except me,so I finally did as well.  I am part of another writing group and put out a plea a couple of days ago.  I have 3 ladies and we are going to try to do that.  I just can't do any of that until the kids leave and VBS is over...  I mean I cannot have my ultimate writing schedule.  That is my problem.  The days it goes well, it goes super well, but if something throws me off I give completely up even though I could salvage it.  

I am saying this very gently and with concern: you often tell us why what you want to do is impossible. You see only the obstacles.
There is no reason you cannot write, or have a writing group, when there are exchange students and VSB - neither of those take up all your waking hours. People who work full-time jobs manage to write and meet with other writers. 
There is no need to have your "ultimate" schedule. That seems to be a tenor throughout your posts: because your daily life changes so much, you cannot have a set-in-stone routine, so you cannot do the thing at all. You don't need an ultimate schedule. You just need to carve out the time to do the thing you want to do. If this week the time is at 8pm, and another week it is Monday and Wednesday at 6am, and in yet another week you can only manage 2pm on days where it doesn't rain - all of that is better than saying "can't".

 

Edited July 3, 2023 by regentrude

[regentrude]

8 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

If my daughter wasn't here and my husband didn't need to check in once a day, I would so take the internet somewhere.

Your daughter is an adult and your husband is one as well. He does not NEED to check in with you every day; he's a grownup man who can survive for a week without making contact with his wife. They will be fine if you go away on a retreat. 

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

I am saying this very gently and with concern: you often tell us why what you want to do is impossible. You see only the obstacles.
There is no reason you cannot write, or have a writing group, when there are exchange students and VSB - neither of those take up all your waking hours. People who work full-time jobs manage to write and meet with other writers. 
There is no need to have your "ultimate" schedule. That seems to be a tenor throughout your posts: because your daily life changes so much, you cannot have a set-in-stone routine, so you cannot do the thing at all. You don't need an ultimate schedule. You just need to carve out the time to do the thing you want to do. If this week the time is at 8pm, and another week it is Monday and Wednesday at 6am, and in yet another week you can only manage 2pm on days where it doesn't rain - all of that is better than saying "can't".

 

I get that. But I won't.  Hence the question.  How do I MAKE myself do it...  

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

Your daughter is an adult and your husband is one as well. He does not NEED to check in with you every day; he's a grownup man who can survive for a week without making contact with his wife. They will be fine if you go away on a retreat. 

No, I meant when he is in Africa.  We talk every day at lunch.  And I meant internet at home, not a retreat.  Yeah, at a retreat, if I could find one, yeah.  Though that would make hubby worry. 

Edited July 3, 2023 by TexasProud

[regentrude]

Just now, TexasProud said:

No, I meant when he is in Africa.  We talk every day at lunch. 

Because you WANT to. And that is fine. But even if he's in Africa, he can handle a week without talking to you if you really wanted to get away.

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

I get that. But I won't.  Hence the question.  How do I MAKE myself do it...  

If you have to "make" yourself do it, it means you don't really, deep inside, want to do it. So don't. 
 

[Rosie_0801]

Have you ever sat binging on the couch long enough to feel like getting up and eating vegetables etc?

[TexasProud]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

Have you ever sat binging on the couch long enough to feel like getting up?

Well, because I hate having a silent house, I typically sleep on the couch with the tv on all night.  But yes, I have and felt hung over. Many times I have it on and am on the chat board at the same time (when hubby isn't here.  When hubby is here, we watch one show at night.  Right now it is A Small Light. Other than that the tv stays off.)

[TexasProud]

5 minutes ago, regentrude said:

If you have to "make" yourself do it, it means you don't really, deep inside, want to do it. So don't. 
 

But then there is NOTHING that I WANT to do. 

[Rosie_0801]

Just now, TexasProud said:

But then there is NOTHING that I WANT to do. 

Have you ever done nothing long enough that the desire to do something comes back again?

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

But then there is NOTHING that I WANT to do. 

Then you SIT with that feeling and do NOTHING until something speaks to you.
It sounds as if you are drowning out those uncomfortable questions by compulsive activity, even if those aren't things that bring you joy. The constant background noise you need is another such thing that prevents you from hearing your thoughts speak.

Edited July 3, 2023 by regentrude

[Clarita]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

No, I have taken some advice from here for sure. But yeah... wasting time.  Which as I said, I would like to be self-disciplined and NOT do that but I do not know how. 

It sounds like some days you do have mythical things that bring you joy. It's just not everyday. The secret sauce here could be that it's OK. It's OK to have meh days. Every day doesn't have to be magical or life giving. I believe part of joy is being OK that some of our days are meh and all that happened was I wasted time. 

The only big red flag I see is the need for you to hide it from loved ones who really seem to care about you. Honestly I think they would rather be with vulnerable and broken TexasProud than the mythical unicorn perfect TexasProud. Things like what do you think would happen if you told your husband you ate a few donuts IN ONE DAY and that's all you did. He does not sound like the kind of man who would divorce over that. I would go as far as to say make a rule for yourself that you tell him each and every time you do something like this. Let those closets to you tell you it's not a problem or ask about your well being. 

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Have you ever done nothing long enough that the desire to do something comes back again?

No, I have done nothing long enough ( 3 weeks) that the time is approaching for hubby to come back so I have to clean the house and get it ready.  

[Terabith]

I firmly believe that the secret to happiness is low expectations.

[TexasProud]

Just now, Terabith said:

I firmly believe that the secret to happiness is low expectations.

Probably true. I try very, very hard not to expect anything from anyone. 

[Rosie_0801]

Just now, TexasProud said:

Probably true. I try very, very hard not to expect anything from anyone. 

Except yourself, from whom you expect perfection.

[TexasProud]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

Except yourself, from whom you expect perfection.

Good point. 🙂 

[Terabith]

Just now, TexasProud said:

Probably true. I try very, very hard not to expect anything from anyone. 

I'm not talking about expecting anything from anyone.  I mean, in general.  I mean not expecting that you will be filled with joy or fulfillment or whatever.  Nobody lives on the mountain top all the time.  I'm not saying to wallow in misery, either.  But don't expect to love most things.  Contentment and good enough are enough.  

[itsheresomewhere]

49 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I have had 4 different therapists and yes, one came from better help.  Everytime the board has suggested it, I have eventually gone.  No help whatsoever. The best help I have gotten has been from my spiritual director, to be honest.

It isn't that I am NOT honest.  It is hard to explain.  But like today, I woke up knowing it was a bad day and thinking about the board. I just wake up that way some days.   But then, on the day I go to the therapist, I am fine.  I can "be honest" but I am in such a better place that they think and I probably am fine.  I have a ton of head knowlege.  I am currently reading The Body Keeps Score. 

Therapy can not work until you want it and going because other suggest it isn’t YOU wanting it.  You already wrote it off in your head as you didn’t want it.  And once you actually want it, you can be honest.  The spiritual advisor is working I bet as you aren’t being honest with them.   When was the last time you liked yourself as you don’t seem to.  You have an idea in your head on what you should be and it is not working as it is not you.   

[pinball]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

wasting time.  Which as I said, I would like to be self-disciplined and NOT do that but I do not know how. 

This is how people think who are afraid to try bc if they try and fail, it is worse than not trying at all. 

[itsheresomewhere]

2 minutes ago, pinball said:

This is how people think who are afraid to try bc if they try and fail, it is worse than not trying at all. 

Agreeing with this. 
 

It is also a sign of OCD/anxiety in some people. The fear of not being perfect while doing it is paralyzing.  Texas- perhaps liking for a therapist who does has ocd/anxiety specialty might be more beneficial to you. 
 

[Pam in CT]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

...You want to maintain your facade for the people you know irl. That's what you tell us in every one of these threads.

this, but

35 minutes ago, regentrude said:

If you have to "make" yourself do it, it means you don't really, deep inside, want to do it. So don't.

this.

 

All else is just elaboration on these two very consistent tropes.

They're in tension. So pick one.

[TexasProud]

4 minutes ago, Pam in CT said:

this, but

this.

 

All else is just elaboration on these two very consistent tropes.

They're in tension. So pick one.

Not sure I understand how to pick.  I have no clue what I want...  Well, what I want is for my children to be happy, healthy, with productive purposes and healthy relationships to God and to other people.  I want my husband to not have migrains 24/7, to relax ( we have a current legal thing going on and I am getting deja vu.  The last one (totally different legal issue) was the other half of what caused the stroke ( other than my actions of course). I want for my church to be at peace and unified.  I want my best friend not to be a scapegoat anymore and for church to be a safe place for her. I want to enjoy spending time with my loved ones.  I do want that. 

[TexasProud]

The thing is I have NO control over any of those wants, so there is no use in wanting them.

[marbel]

21 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

The thing is I have NO control over any of those wants, so there is no use in wanting them.

I think you know the answer to this. You pray about all these things that you have no control over, and pray for peace and the ability to let go of them because they are literally out of your hands. And then pray for direction on how to move forward. Then, decide to do something even if it's watching a movie and eating junk food for an evening. 

Then read 1 Thessalonians, and Philippians to remind yourself of these things. Read them every time you feel helpless and drifting. Or listen to them.  

(Personally when I am feeling hopeless I read Habbakuk but that's not a comfort to everyone.) 

ETA: in addition to this, therapy (though I know you've said no therapist can help you. I just didn't want anyone to come at me for trying to treat depression, etc., with prayer alone).

Edited July 3, 2023 by marbel

[Rosie_0801]

How can you expect to enjoy spending time with loved ones when you turn it into a huge masking experience?

You can't win if you're cheating.

[Clemsondana]

People are wired differently.  I once heard a talk that described the kind of people who become CEOs as people who, if dropped in a forest with an ax, would cut down all the trees just because it was there to do.  I think that spouse is wired somewhat like this.  I, on the other hand, if dropped in a forest, would weave myself a hammock and enjoy reading my books in peace.  If you are into enneagram descriptions, he is a 3 and I am a 9.  But, as much as I am generally content to chill in the hammock, I also see tasks that need doing, that I enjoy doing, and that I have the skills to do,  I have found that what works for me is to make commitments for things that I think are important when I am motivated, knowing that I'll follow through even if I don't feel like it, and I'll be glad that I saved myself from turning into a couch potato.  I don't do anything that I don't actually believe in - I don't volunteer for things that I'll resent.  But, they can count on me to show up at place X to do task Y every Monday.  I know myself well enough to know that if I just leave things in an 'I'll do it if I feel like it' state, then I won't do it.  At some stages of life, I'm good at setting up a routine and sticking to it.  At other stages, things are too unpredictable and I don't want the stress of tying myself to a schedule, so I just figure out what needs doing and do that without feeling bad that the extras aren't being done.  

In a situation with intermittent travel, I'd make a series of short-term plans.  Or, make a longer-term commitment while telling the organizer that you'll be gone for 6 weeks, but expect you back on date X.  I also wonder about travel.  I have a friend who is happiest traveling.  She goes all the time, squeezing in trips during times when she doesn't have local commitments.  I'm the opposite - I like my life and routine and am happy to only get away for the occasional week.  Both are fine, but they lead to making different sorts of commitments.  What do you want your life to look like?  Has that changed?  Do you need to decompress from other stresses for a month or year to figure that out?  Do you need to try different things to see what brings joy at this stage of your life?  

[Wheres Toto]

26 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

The last one (totally different legal issue) was the other half of what caused the stroke ( other than my actions of course). 

Are you saying you think you are partially responsible for your husband's stroke?     That is extremely unlikely.    Although if you feel personally responsible for the health, wellbeing, feelings, and actions of everyone in your life, that may be part of why you have such a hard time doing things just for yourself.  

I don't remember the term for this, but do you feel like if you don't live your life perfectly your loved ones will be punished?  

You started this thread talking about having too much time on your hands and you were worried you would just waste it doing nothing, but then you list all the things you have going on that keep you from doing projects and tasks that would bring you joy, or at least may help you find contentment.   It's very contradictory. 

[freesia]

This is what I see:

You want to be able to eat anything you want without being judged. 
You want to have close relationships with people who accept you. 
You want to have a schedule that you control. 
You do not want to always eat healthfully. 
You think certain activities like going to Africa are of more value than other activities but you want the freedom to say no to them without feeling guilty. 
You see value in travel and I think part of you wants to love it but deep down you are a homebody who values community. 
You hide behind what you want people to see about you because you are afraid of what they think of you. 
I think also you want to tell your dh that you don’t want him traveling so much but you are afraid of making him unhappy. 
 

Consider how Grace fits into all of this. It’s seems to me that you are working for your righteousness right now instead of walking in Grace. No matter how you feel tomorrow. No matter what you say at church. No matter what you wrote on your blog.

I think you do know what you want but are afraid of being rejected for it. 

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, Wheres Toto said:

 

I don't remember the term for this, but do you feel like if you don't live your life perfectly your loved ones will be punished?  

 

No, but I actually asked for what I need and when providing it, he suffered a stroke. 

3 minutes ago, Wheres Toto said:

 

You started this thread talking about having too much time on your hands and you were worried you would just waste it doing nothing, but then you list all the things you have going on that keep you from doing projects and tasks that would bring you joy, or at least may help you find contentment.   It's very contradictory. 

Well, let's take today,  I took the girls from 9-11.  But then I am not sure when I have to go back and get them..  So I am just wasting time until I hear. And what I am most worried about is from the middle of July to the middle of August when my husband is in Africa and I am here by myself with hours and hours and hours. 

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, freesia said:

You see value in travel and I think part of you wants to love it but deep down you are a homebody who values community. 
You hide behind what you want people to see about you because you are afraid of what they think of you. 
I think also you want to tell your dh that you don’t want him traveling so much but you are afraid of making him unhappy. 

I am an extrovert.  I actually love mission trips and love our RV trips.  I do love them.  I actually sleep 8 hours or more a night on them rather than 4 or so here at home.

He HAS to travel to keep up his surgical skills.  He is disabled and NOT able to work a regular job here.  He can handle working a month at a time or less at easier schedules.  That is not possible for him in a regular job in his profession.  He needs to work.