Supporting Your Child in Sports

[Plagefille]

I have been really struggling with how to support my DS in distance running. He started running at 8 yo. He loves running and says he still loves it and wants to be good. But now as a 10th grader he ran his 1600 race slower than his first race ever as an 8 year old. He was having a rough week ... But still.

We have had lots of ups and downs when it comes to how to support him as parents. He was so fast for an 8 yo that maybe we seemed overly excited and too proud. He started training some at 9. He qualified for Nationals 10-12 yo and we went 2 of those years. Then Covid stopped most training and races for over a year.

He told me at 10 that he doesn't like when people are cheering and yelling your name because it sounds like they are mad at you. So I stopped cheering. Maybe a "yay" when he ran by, but that was all. He started to struggle around that time with race anxiety too. We brought books and worked on that as well. 

We really tried to back off, not that we ever pushed him. He trained mostly on his own and ran half marathons at ages 10 and 11. Literally, he would get up, run, and be back before I ever woke up.

His race times were inconsistent over these years, but there was some overall improvement. Everyone figured he would really take off when he started HS cross Country. So maybe too much pressure from expectations. I tried to never voice them because he was so sensitive.

During HS, he said early on that his Dad makes him nervous and he prefers when I don't watch closely. So my husband stopped coming to meets after the first few in 9th and I only went to a few and mostly chatted with other moms, and said "good job" at the end  He improved slightly from when he was 12 yo.

We tried to be encouraging at home. During 9th track he got injured so only ran 4 meets. My DH missed all and I went to 1 and hid in the corner till after he was done. Still not sure he knows I saw that race. He also improved a few seconds in track 

We moved for 10th. He told me he didn't like how his Dad was telling everyone how fast he is. I think it must have put pressure on him. The coaches were also expecting him to be in the 17s after seeing him the first week weeks of practice. He only ever ran in high 18s, but many were much worse.

Again, we mostly stayed back and tried to only say yay sometimes. He ran some really bad times, but also ran a couple of PRs (personal records). 

Now in track his running is not great... He just ran the mile 20 secs slower than when he was 8 yo and untrained. I am struggling with what to do and say. I can't bring myself to say "Good job" when it was clearly very bad. 

How can I support him? Also, we would really love to go to more meets, and he says he wants us to come to some, but it seems like he doesn't like to see us after when he does poorly. Our attendance seems to have no affect on how well or poorly he does.

 

[Frances]

Does he even like running anymore? Does he want to compete and do better or win? Competitive running can be very psychological. I went to a small high school with top cross country programs and from my experience, most of the top runners struggled quite a bit with the mental side of the sport. I was very good, but didn’t really like and only stayed doing it for the team aspect and because all of my closest friends, both make and female, were on the team. It was fun to qualify for state as a team and travel together to compete. I did eventually quit track my senior year and the other years I did it along with tennis to make it more palatable. Just because someone is very good at something, it doesn’t mean they need to continue if they are not enjoying it. I far preferred other sports like softball, despite being a naturally gifted runner for both sprints and middle distance.

I’d allow him to quit if he wants to. If he wants to continue, I’d ask him straight up how he wants to be supported. Interestingly, I only ever felt pressure from my parents and coaches when it came to running, not in other sports, maybe because they felt I shouldn’t waste my gift? But I really didn’t enjoy it and have never done it in adulthood, far preferring biking, swimming, hiking, cross country skiing, shooting hoops, etc. Now as a young elementary aged child, before there were official practices and meets, I absolutely loved running and could outrun all girls and boys in my town, even boys several years older, at any distance. But somehow the formal nature of practices and meets took away that love.

Edited April 13, 2023 by Frances

[HomeAgain]

My youngest isn't there yet, but we found a few ways to support him that are not obvious to others.

During important (to him) competitions, I'll tuck a note into his gloves or skates.  Just a quick mental pick me up in the locker room.  Sometimes a quote, sometimes a funny bit, but just a way to let him know we're thinking of him.

And we all use ASL, though ds's is modified due to his limitations. Nobody sees a quick sign except us.

Beyond that: we make sure he has nutritious meals (and that is a very plural word during the season 😄) and make sure his gear always fits.  We helped him create a playlist of music to set his mood.  But I'll never be the parent dressed in my kid's number and taking on the identity of Sports Mom.  I always just hold back a bit to be Mom of child who plays sports. 

[freesia]

I would ask or evaluate whether he had anxiety in other area. I would try to find a way to ask if he would like help with his anxiety. I’d only do that if I could find a way that wasn’t connected to his times. 
 

Otherwise, I would just low key running. I wouldn’t worry about his times. I wouldn’t even ask. I would treat it like an activity to keep him fit. I would stop saying good job. With my dd, who is a goalie, I ask—did you have fun. One day where they lost the game with two goals in the last 15 seconds, I said—that didn’t look like fun—do you want a Slurpee? (Side note:an amazing angel of a mom from the other team stopped her and told her how well she’d played the game). If he comes to you discouraged, ask if he wants you to help brainstorm ways to reach his goals—even ask what are your goals? Tell him it’s fine to have the goal of fitness. Tell him you enjoy the meets. 

[MEmama]

Oof, yeah, BTDT in a way and it's tough. DS was a *very* good runner, but also high anxiety--and, we didn't know at the time also autistic and ADHD so lots of internal pressures both obvious and deeply internal going on. At the same time he was running in middle and high school, he was cycling competitively, against kids who had actual coaches and training programs and teammates while he was doing it solo. These kids toughing it out have MOXIE, I tell you, it's astounding how they keep on.

Anyway, it sounds to me like you are doing it *all* right. Support, yet don't pressure. Show appreciation for their hard work, but don't expect it. Appreciate them unconditionally. You're doing great, honestly. 
 

DS received offers at high achieving  New England universities to run for their teams. He decided not to run, too much pressure. All good by us. It's middle school, it's high school, whatever. Let the kids be kids. If your kid is having fun, if they are getting anything out of it (whatever it is--fun, satisfaction, part of being on a team, the satisfaction of earning their sports sweatshirts.. whatever it is)...it's *all good*.  
 

Honestly, it sounds to me like you are awesome parents. You are respecting your child, you support them no matter what the outcome, you even make the very tough call to not go to meets if that's what they need (BTDT, it hurts). I think as long as you're listening to your kid, to what they really need, you'll do okay. 
 

Sending you commiseration...

[Plagefille]

45 minutes ago, Frances said:

 Interestingly, I only ever felt pressure from my parents and coaches when it came to running, not in other sports, maybe because they felt I shouldn’t waste my gift? But I really didn’t enjoy it and have never done it in adulthood, far preferring biking, swimming, hiking, cross country skiing, shooting hoops, etc. Now as a young elementary aged child, before there were official practices and meets, I absolutely loved running and could outrun all girls and boys in my town, even boys several years older, at any distance. But somehow the formal nature of practices and meets took away that love.

This is what I think he feels, but when I told him a similar story about how I realized I didn't need to major in something just because I was good at it, he just seemed to think I made a good decision. 

He tells me he still likes running and wants to keep doing it. After less then 2 weeks off after Cross Country this year, he said he missed running and just wanted to go outside and run. I have let him know in the past that it is okay to just do things for fun and because you love it. It doesn't seem like he likes to compete anymore, yet he is always making a big deal about his times and goals. He actually runs faster at practices. 

He does struggle with similar problems in other areas. His AMC 10 scores have been about the same from 8-10th grade. He even took some AOPS AMC prep classes and did very well during that time. Same with Chess. He started and improved very quickly, but then plateaued and stayed there. He wins all the local comps, but does mediocre when we travel to bigger cities. I wonder if as soon as he starts doing well, expectations come and he just can't handle them.

Thanks for the thoughts in other ways to be supportive. I like the ideas about encouragement before and focusing on having fun.

[freesia]

18 minutes ago, Plagefille said:

This is what I think he feels, but when I told him a similar story about how I realized I didn't need to major in something just because I was good at it, he just seemed to think I made a good decision. 

He tells me he still likes running and wants to keep doing it. After less then 2 weeks off after Cross Country this year, he said he missed running and just wanted to go outside and run. I have let him know in the past that it is okay to just do things for fun and because you love it. It doesn't seem like he likes to compete anymore, yet he is always making a big deal about his times and goals. He actually runs faster at practices. 

He does struggle with similar problems in other areas. His AMC 10 scores have been about the same from 8-10th grade. He even took some AOPS AMC prep classes and did very well during that time. Same with Chess. He started and improved very quickly, but then plateaued and stayed there. He wins all the local comps, but does mediocre when we travel to bigger cities. I wonder if as soon as he starts doing well, expectations come and he just can't handle them.

Thanks for the thoughts in other ways to be supportive. I like the ideas about encouragement before and focusing on having fun.

I have a dd who hates to compete. She could have done really well in sports, but just didn’t like the stress. I have performance anxiety which comes out during speed typing tests and my divers test. So, I’m never a temp secretary. I scraped my drivers test just passing. My dd is doing great at university. I’ve had a good life. I’m not sure he ever needs to like to compete. But it’s important he knows that’s ok. Glad you are going to focus on fun!

[Katy]

I know multiple kids who were very talented athletes who thought anxiety was the problem as teens but it turned out to be something else. One developed asthma. One had tachycardia (found by their smart watch, confirmed in the ER), and one had a thyroid condition that I think was triggered by a benign tumor, but that was told to me by my kid, not by their parent so I might have the details wrong. 

So I would start at the pediatrician. Ask for an evaluation of medical triggers of anxiety first, and then a referral for a psychiatric evaluation if there’s not an apparent medical cause. If it is anxiety, avoid benzodiazepines if at all possible and also check for ADHD.

And try to get him into cognitive behavioral therapy for the anxiety if that’s what it is. It’s a short course of teaching him to think correctly and recognize the ways he’s thinking catastrophically and lying to himself. It can make a huge difference in a matter of weeks or months. 

[SKL]

My 16yo daughter also started out surprisingly fast and then lost some of that.  We blamed it on puberty.  Then Covid shutdowns.  My girl needs the social aspect of sport; she isn't one to go out and run a mile in the neighborhood by herself, though I did try to push that in early Covid times (8th grade).

She tried cross country in 9th.  But she was also trying out for soccer and doing marching band.  It was too much; she was getting injured.  She ran one meet and had her worst time ever, so I let her pick soccer over CC.  She did track that Spring and has continued to be in track; but she's not serious & so far has stayed in JV.  (To be fair, she's barely 5' tall in shoes, so she's always going to be at a disadvantage in serious competitions.)

I sign her up for some community runs that range from 1 mile to 5 miles.  This allows her to focus on her own personal goals without a team caring about her time.  (I've started running some of the community 5Ks too, which she seems to appreciate.)  Between community runs and JV track, her technique and times have gradually improved.  She'll never be an Olympic runner, but that was never the point.  I'm just glad she is getting out there, interacting, and getting exercise.

After each race, I ask her how she feels about how it went.  She will usually have some positive and negative things to say.  I affirm the positives and congratulate her on learning from whatever didn't work well.  I always just say I'm glad she is running.

ETA:  my daughter has told me that seeing/hearing me cheer her on slows her down.  We think it's because it calls her brain back to the mechanics of what she's doing in the moment, whereas she'd otherwise just let her body do its thing, which is more natural.  So, I may be there watching, but I say nothing, I don't clap, I don't get up, etc.  Whatever works.

ETA2 - coincidentally, my daughter also has OCD (an anxiety disorder).  Maybe there is a thread there.

Edited April 13, 2023 by SKL

[bolt.]

I frequently admit to feeling ignorant and uncomfortable with American sporting culture.

For me, the most natural thing that a parent of a runner would do during childhood would be to say, "I'm glad you love running! It's great to have a sport you enjoy in your life!" I don't think it's the norm for parents to track their child's speed, compare the timings, look for improvement, talk up kids' sports to adult friends, or have any kind of serious opinion about whether a certain performance was 'good' or not. It does seem like a lot of pressure. If I knew a parent in real life that was doing that, I'd be very concerned for the mental health and family dynamics of a family that seemed to be pushing like that.

But I recognize that this kind of parental involvement is totally normal in American contexts, and for Americans, not taking a child's sporting performance seriously, and not providing a context where increasing skill is at least desired by the parents, is seen as unloving and under-supportive of that child.

It's okay for cultures to differ.

However, given that your child seems to be suffering ill-effects, and your relationships in the family are being a little distressed by it, and that your sense of how to do 'the right thing' also seems under strain... I just want to give you permission to take sports and recreation less seriously, and maybe that will work better for your family.

I doubt your son will ever become an elite athlete in his adult life.

Maybe it's fine if he never gets faster.

If this phase of his love-affair with running goes well, maybe he will be a lifelong runner who competes in half-marathons until he's 70. That would be awesome, wouldn't it? Great for his lifelong cardiovascular health, and his overall wellbeing?

Maybe you can support him by being glad that he loves doing this with his body, and rejoicing in having a physically active and motivated child. Support could mean making sure you are more aware of his practice schedules than you are of his times. (If he makes a 'personal best' he can tell you, and you can celebrate his good news.) Support can be that you make sure he has all the right equipment, money and transportation that he needs.

[fairfarmhand]

Sports psychologist?

Sounds like the kid has mixed feelings about the competitive side of his sport. Maybe talking to a trained provider would help sort all that out. 

But yeah, ask him what he needs from you. And ask him if he feels good about his run. Even if he doesn't beat anyone, if he feels good, that's great.

[EKS]

What you're describing here may be something similar to being a child prodigy.  Child prodigies show adult levels of performance as children in a particular area.  You'd think that this would maintain their edge into adulthood, but that is frequently not the case.  The other kids catch up.  Perhaps that is what has happened here.

[Ali in OR]

My dd is also naturally fast and had great times at a young age. She also determined for herself that she wasn't interested in doing sports in college--she wanted to pick her school environment (large D1 university) and she wanted to be in charge of her time. Now in college she runs on the club XC/track team and it has become her social outlet. She also wrote a college admissions essay about how running helped her process things--the pace and rhythm helps her think. I like how running is more about something she wants to do and not just about being fast--seems like that's a healthy role in  adult life. And yes, running is now just hers--no parents watching her!

She has had trouble with iron levels that really slow her down. I suppose that's more common with girls, but she was telling me it's common with distance runners, so maybe it applies to boys too. When your iron stores are low your muscles aren't getting enough oxygen and hurt more. Perhaps something to check.

[MEmama]

46 minutes ago, Ali in OR said:

My dd is also naturally fast and had great times at a young age. She also determined for herself that she wasn't interested in doing sports in college--she wanted to pick her school environment (large D1 university) and she wanted to be in charge of her time. Now in college she runs on the club XC/track team and it has become her social outlet. She also wrote a college admissions essay about how running helped her process things--the pace and rhythm helps her think. I like how running is more about something she wants to do and not just about being fast--seems like that's a healthy role in  adult life. And yes, running is now just hers--no parents watching her!

She has had trouble with iron levels that really slow her down. I suppose that's more common with girls, but she was telling me it's common with distance runners, so maybe it applies to boys too. When your iron stores are low your muscles aren't getting enough oxygen and hurt more. Perhaps something to check.

Yes to all of this.

Iron (and general nutrition but especially iron) was emphasized by DS's high school coaches. And it's not at all uncommon for those fast young kids to...not be as fast...as they grow, and others grow into themselves. Girls in particular are known to slow drastically in ~ sophomore year as their bodies develop hips and their gait changes. It's a well known phenomenon;  we watched many of the girls in XC and track develop injuries, lose significant speed and many eventually took entire seasons off and/or dropped out as a result.

[skimomma]

We went through something similar.  Dd showed a lot of "promise" in a sport at a young age and was even competing at the national level.  Then a series of unrelated events and just plain growing changed her trajectory.  This is not at all uncommon in the sport in question so no one was surprised.  We were careful in how we talked about her sport, both during the high times and the more average times.  Mostly "I love to watch you ____," or "You looked really solid at _____ point."  Our goal was to instill a lifelong love of being active and that seems to have worked.  As an adult, she still does this activity, and others, on a regular basis.  Her best friend from her team years is on an athletic scholarship for the same sport at the same school dd attends and they are still friends.  She sees how HARD it is and is very glad she is not trying to balance athletic pressures while completing a difficult degree program.  And they still sometimes even train together anyway.  Best of both worlds.  So in your case, OP, I would focus on the love of running and not worry at all about speed or results.

[DeainUSA]

It takes a lot of dedication and effort to remain competitive at the high school level.  I’ve noticed natural gifts and talents aren’t enough and start to even out if not nurtured.  They are important but it’s also about getting out what you put in. How into is he?  Is he running 6 days a week? Tracking on Strava? Running year round ? Diet and nutrition spot on?   Have you talked to the coaches about what they think is going on?

My son has ran for 6 years now. His coaches have always said to give space after a race and let them come to you.  They know how they did, so at that point it’s done.  Be supportive and get some food after.  Just follow their lead. I can’t make rhyme or reason sometimes why they will PR 3 times then regress.  Coaches have said there are plateaus in running. 
 

You probably do all this, but different ways I can see being supportive is talking about what routes they ran, following them on Strava, going together for new shoes and spikes, making protein balls or getting energy gels before a race, helping with clothes and prep before a race…it would kill me not to go though. 
 

My son had several teammates that were headed for a D1 college and burned out or just lost the love. As someone with zero talents, it’s hard to see!

Edited April 14, 2023 by DeainUSA

[Ting Tang]

I've heard similar stories, and parents seek out sports psychologists.  Sometimes athletes need to be re-programmed to do things for themselves and not to worry about others and winning against said others.  I think that is a huge obstacle.  I see why Michael Phelps has struggled with depression.  My daughter is in an intense sport, and sometimes I just tell her that it's not always a good thing to win all the time.  On the other hand, I really hate how much winning is emphasized in her sport.  

Staying elite does involve so much.  I think there is a place for athletes who are not #1 who love the sport---coaching, instilling a love for the sport in others.  Only one person can be #1.  That leaves out everyone else if it is all about the win.

Anyway, I am not familiar with your child's sport, but I think people have good thoughts.  🙂  It'll be okay.  

[katilac]

I think he is doing a great job at articulating his wishes: he doesn't like to be observed closely, he doesn't like people audibly cheering for him, he doesn't like his dad talking about his running to other people; basically, he enjoys running and enjoys track, but enjoys it more when it is kept low-key. 

I am struggling with what to do and say. I can't bring myself to say "Good job" when it was clearly very bad. You don't have to comment on his performance. Even when he does well, it sounds like he'd prefer minimal commentary, lol. Just talk to him as though you were picking him up from the movies or a friend's house or whatever. It's late, you ready to head home? It's a long drive, do you want to stop for pizza or do you just want to get home and crash? 

If he seems to be feeling down and not wanting to talk, let him just sit quietly and process. Play some soft music or a podcast or an audiobook. 

How can I support him? Go to some of the meets but keep it low-key. 

Also, we would really love to go to more meets, and he says he wants us to come to some, but it seems like he doesn't like to see us after when he does poorly. Perfectly natural. When adults screw up or do something poorly at work, their first thought is not how very much they want to see all of their coworkers in that moment, lol. Give him the space to be quiet and lick his wounds. 

Our attendance seems to have no affect on how well or poorly he does. So take him at his word when he says he wants you to attend some. Communicate directly and ask him, hey, I'm looking over this month's schedule, are they certain meets you do or don't want me to attend? You're not sure yet? Okay, try to let me know a few days ahead so that I can make plans. 

You want to support his interests and his activities, but that doesn't have to mean having a keen interest in his improvement or lack thereof. Instead of thinking in terms of you did a good job, think in terms of I love to see you run. He sounds like he's on the self-conscious side, rather easily embarrassed at too much of even a good fuss being made over him, so try to let him take the lead in talking about the good things as well as the bad. I had one kid who would talk a whole lot more about pretty much any event if they were given the time and space to process first. 

The quote box decided to be weird, but bolt. says a lot of great things: 

On 4/13/2023 at 6:19 PM, bolt. said:

 For me, the most natural thing that a parent of a runner would do during childhood would be to say, "I'm glad you love running! It's great to have a sport you enjoy in your life!" I don't think it's the norm for parents to track their child's speed, compare the timings, look for improvement, talk up kids' sports to adult friends, or have any kind of serious opinion about whether a certain performance was 'good' or not. <snip>

Maybe it's fine if he never gets faster.

If this phase of his love-affair with running goes well, maybe he will be a lifelong runner who competes in half-marathons until he's 70. That would be awesome, wouldn't it? Great for his lifelong cardiovascular health, and his overall wellbeing?

Maybe you can support him by being glad that he loves doing this with his body, and rejoicing in having a physically active and motivated child. Support could mean making sure you are more aware of his practice schedules than you are of his times. (If he makes a 'personal best' he can tell you, and you can celebrate his good news.) Support can be that you make sure he has all the right equipment, money and transportation that he needs.

On 4/13/2023 at 4:31 PM, freesia said:

I would ask or evaluate whether he had anxiety in other area. I would try to find a way to ask if he would like help with his anxiety. I’d only do that if I could find a way that wasn’t connected to his times. 
 

Otherwise, I would just low key running. I wouldn’t worry about his times. I wouldn’t even ask. I would treat it like an activity to keep him fit. I would stop saying good job. With my dd, who is a goalie, I ask—did you have fun. One day where they lost the game with two goals in the last 15 seconds, I said—that didn’t look like fun—do you want a Slurpee? (Side note:an amazing angel of a mom from the other team stopped her and told her how well she’d played the game). If he comes to you discouraged, ask if he wants you to help brainstorm ways to reach his goals—even ask what are your goals? Tell him it’s fine to have the goal of fitness. Tell him you enjoy the meets. 

All of this, especially the bolded. If you don't feel like you can bring it up without it circling back to running, set up a wellness visit and give his doctor a head's up to ask about it and give the questionnaire (many people will say more on the written questionnaire versus talking about it, even to their doctor). 

On 4/13/2023 at 5:35 PM, Katy said:

 avoid benzodiazepines if at all possible  

My thoughts are to take benzodiazepines seriously, but not to regard them as an absolute last resort. They can relieve suffering, which is no small thing, and get a person to a place where cognitive exercises have a chance at working. 

On 4/13/2023 at 5:25 PM, freesia said:

I have a dd who hates to compete. She could have done really well in sports, but just didn’t like the stress.  

I would want to give him opportunities to speak to his doctor about anxiety, particularly bc OP specifically mentions addressing anxiety in the past, but I also think this is quite possible: he doesn't enjoy the competition and/or stress, it affects his performance, and he may not want to change that. A lot of people are like that, and it's fine. He may enjoy running at the hobby level, with no interest in reaching a more elite level. 

[gstharr]

Seems your son is in a cycle of low performance (however, he, you measure success), and high anxiety.  One question is how much support are you giving him.  Around, every kid who is playing at a high level in any sport, has more coaching than just the H.S. team coach.   Waking up and running a 10k before breakfast might give him conditioning, but it is doing little for overall performance. Private or semi-private coaching may be something to consider.   https://www.active.com/running/articles/7-reasons-why-you-need-a-running-coach/slide-7