I could use some support

[MercyA]

7 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

In the Brady Bunch it was death. 

Mike Brady was definitely widowed. In the first episode, there is a scene in which Bobby puts away a photo of his mother because he's afraid it will upset Carol, but his dad tells him to leave it out. 

The only thing Carol ever says about her first husband is something like "A few years ago, I thought it was the end of the world." The creator of the show, Sherwood Schwartz, later said that Carol was divorced but it was never revealed in the show. 

Yes, I know too much about the Brady Bunch.

Sorry for the rabbit trail. 

Not_a_Number, sometimes it helps to watch something light and funny, whatever that might be for you. 🙂 

[FreyaO]

So many good insights, not sure I have anything valuable to offer.

But I can identify with the introvert in need of breaks after hours of socializing and over-multitasking. Do you have an outlet that allows your brain to take a break?

I appreciate the long walks appeal. In my personal experience there is an exercise threshold above which there are added benefits. Probably some biological, endorphins, etc, but I have also experienced a state where your brain decides to focus on oxygenation, heart rate control etc for two hours and leave aside any thoughts about family, money, work. It was revitalizing. I suppose others have hobbies that require intense attention. Point is it becomes impossible to think about your to-do lists and fears every now and then. 

Edit to add: It's also easier to find a gym, yoga studio etc, than a therapist!

Edited February 28, 2023 by FreyaO

[Scarlett]

Just now, MercyA said:

Mike Brady was definitely widowed. In the first episode, there is a scene in which Bobby puts away a photo of his mother because he's afraid it will upset Carol, but his dad tells him to leave it out. 

The only thing Carol ever says about her first husband is something like "A few years ago, I thought it was the end of the world." The creator of the show, Sherwood Schwartz, later said that Carol was divorced but it was never revealed in the show. 

Yes, I know too much about the Brady Bunch.

Sorry for the rabbit trail. 

Not_a_Number, sometimes it helps to watch something light and funny, whatever that might be for you. 🙂 

Animal videos have definitely gotten me through the last three to 4 years.  

[kbutton]

12 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

No one's got my back. It's hard. I know why you say that "someone has to," but as it happens, there's no one. 

No, that's not a dynamic I'm willing to live with long term. Not in the least. That's why we're living apart. To figure out whether another dynamic is possible. 

We've thought about whether there's someone else that could do this for him. It's a very reasonable recommendation. We're considering it. The dial is currently hovering near "I'm probably the best option," but that could change. He could decide something else would be better. I could decide I don't want to do it. I'm looking at all the options without fear right now.  

This is a very lonely place to be. I have a similar dynamic. Online friendship has meant so much in this context. I sometimes have IRL friends, but they come and go for various reasons, or sometimes I meet people who don't have supportive spouses, but it's worse for them than me, and it ends up lopsided for me.

14 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

 DH benefits from the space, but also from my eyes... I see him well, much better than he sees himself, so my input is really helpful for him.

Others mentioned having him get help. One thought I have is that if you think you don't want this dynamic anymore, that leaves him finding someone else to fill it. If he were to be the one to find someone to fill that role purposefully during this phase, then you'd both be in a better place when you decide whether to stay or to part. 

If he found someone he could work with, you could attend a session now and then to be those eyes just enough to check in that he's accurately representing himself to his support person. His support person might not need to be a counselor or therapist--it could be more like a coach/consultant depending what the issues are.

This is actually a goal for DH and I right now. For someone to observe the dynamic and take over with me being involved only as needed/beneficial. 

[YaelAldrich]

My DH also found a therapist just for his FOO issues that caused marital strife. Our marriage therapist praised him for the decision. My separate personal therapy was based on what was happening to me from my loved ones after my sister's death. 

[Lecka]

I am currently upset with one of my sisters….. she does not have a supportive partner and she never has.  She is always in charge.  She never trusts anyone else.  She always has the upper hand to make decisions.  She never dates someone she respects.  Or, she respects them at first and then it doesn’t last because — I’m not sure why.  But it doesn’t last once they are done dating and more of a partner.  
 

And she doesn’t like it.  
 

But yet she chooses all her boyfriends and partners!  And she is totally resistant to the idea that she would give up any control.  
 

So I think it’s very, very hard for some people, but good for you for wanting to be part of a better dynamic.  That is a pretty huge place to be, it’s much better than rejecting the idea outright.  
 

I also think — I can think of specific things I could say that would be examples of having my back, or of not having my back.  
 

And then yes I want these to be things that are generally understood and figured out, but it’s also okay to spell them out.   
 

I think it can be good to spell out what you need as much as possible.  Not like it’s a test, but like — it’s what you need.  Or even just — specific examples.  And then you can see if he takes things up.  
 

I think it might seem like a nebulous thing if he doesn’t know.  
 

But then if you do tell him it’s a big risk if he doesn’t follow through.  
 

To me that is the worst thing.  To me we were in marriage counseling and I felt like we had accountability in a good way.  But it was also very risky when you don’t know — well is he going to do the thing or not?  And then if he doesn’t does that mean we can’t make it?  
 

Anyway — that was the worst thing to me.  
 

And my sister doesn’t put herself in a position to take risks like that, and then she gets very disappointed, but she does not seem interested in making any changes on her side.  
 

I think she’s right that her current partner is not capable of x, y, z but then why is she with him.  Well!  Partly because he needs her!  But she’s not really having her needs met.  But she does get to be in charge!  
 

Anyway — she is really not interested in making changes, so it is nice to see someone who is!

 

Yes!  You deserve it!

[madteaparty]

If you’re ever in midtown and up to it, let’s have a coffee 🙂 

[Lecka]

Because this is a big one for me — do you have each others’ backs as far as parenting?  
 

Because that is an important one and it’s also one where I think there are concrete rules as far as, checking with the other person and not contradicting them.  
 

I also wonder if there are any parenting-related chores your husband could do.  Like — could he set up new patient appointments for the kids, if they need them.  Or take them to appointments.  Could he figure out some education thing.  Could he come and do laundry.  I have no idea what would work out but it seems like maybe you could suggest some chores to him.  

[Not_a_Number]

9 hours ago, kbutton said:

Others mentioned having him get help. One thought I have is that if you think you don't want this dynamic anymore, that leaves him finding someone else to fill it. If he were to be the one to find someone to fill that role purposefully during this phase, then you'd both be in a better place when you decide whether to stay or to part. 

If he found someone he could work with, you could attend a session now and then to be those eyes just enough to check in that he's accurately representing himself to his support person. His support person might not need to be a counselor or therapist--it could be more like a coach/consultant depending what the issues are.

This is actually a goal for DH and I right now. For someone to observe the dynamic and take over with me being involved only as needed/beneficial. 

This is kind of a complicated issue I'd rather not discuss right now. We have ideas about this. There are a few possible options. None of them involve continuing the dynamic into any future marriage we might have.

[Not_a_Number]

1 hour ago, Lecka said:

Because this is a big one for me — do you have each others’ backs as far as parenting?  

No, we do not. This is a big one for me, too. It's probably the thing that got me to pull the trigger on telling him I couldn't stay as things were. 

 

1 hour ago, Lecka said:

I also wonder if there are any parenting-related chores your husband could do.  Like — could he set up new patient appointments for the kids, if they need them.  Or take them to appointments.  Could he figure out some education thing.  Could he come and do laundry.  I have no idea what would work out but it seems like maybe you could suggest some chores to him.  

Yeah. This kind of interaction is exactly what we can't handle right now. 

He spends time with the kids, he's running a book club for our co-op, he's been doing some programming with DD10, he picks them up at some activities. He does a lot. On the other hand, negotiations aren't something that work very well for us right now, so I'm unlikely to introduce more stuff particularly quickly. It would simply invoke our old dynamics, which do not work.  

[Not_a_Number]

1 hour ago, madteaparty said:

If you’re ever in midtown and up to it, let’s have a coffee 🙂 

Ooh. Where in midtown? Midtown is easy. 

[kbutton]

The more hints you give about your dynamic, it sounds like it's not a terribly uncommon one, just that you have some features unique to the two of you mixed into all of that (including triggers, preferences, etc.) as we all do. I don't say that to diminish your concerns but to reinforce that people here might be able to offer analogous tips that ultimately help you continue to figure things out and refine what you are after. 

13 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

This is kind of a complicated issue I'd rather not discuss right now. We have ideas about this. There are a few possible options. None of them involve continuing the dynamic into any future marriage we might have.

No problem! The bolded is good to know--good that you are certain of this and good for people to know when answering. 

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, kbutton said:

The more hints you give about your dynamic, it sounds like it's not a terribly uncommon one, just that you have some features unique to the two of you mixed into all of that (including triggers, preferences, etc.) as we all do. I don't say that to diminish your concerns but to reinforce that people here might be able to offer analogous tips that ultimately help you continue to figure things out and refine what you are after. 

No problem! The bolded is good to know--good that you are certain of this and good for people to know when answering. 

Well, in some ways it's very common, in some ways it's quite uncommon. Depends if you're looking at our emotional realities (which are pretty standard) or our intellectual ones (which are not.) 

What do you see? 

[kbutton]

3 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

Well, in some ways it's very common, in some ways it's quite uncommon. Depends if you're looking at our emotional realities (which are pretty standard) or our intellectual ones (which are not.) 

What do you see? 

I hope this doesn't sound so black and white that it sounds like some kind of a confrontation or challenge. It's not meant to be.

I am not sure you've fleshed out what the intellectual realities are other than that you are both high IQ and find it difficult to relate to the set of people you have available, so my answer might not be as satisfying as you'd like (that's a backhanded advance apology, lol!). I might also not sort intellectual vs. emotional in the same way you do.

• Wife shouldering a lot of the intangible/fuzzy/people-y labor for the household; you are the person tasked with making everything come out okay on the other end no matter what because the alternative is too high stakes
• Husband giving chicken#### answers when asked directly about stuff (from past threads, not this one) even though he knows (when he eventually is willing to deal with it honestly) that his answer was chicken#### (not sure of the current status on this); this alone makes joint trouble-shooting a fraught and overly difficult experience. (A guess--he is inconsistent.)
• High needs kids who require a lot of "extra" and will for the foreseeable future
• Lack of support/isolation (and the reasons for and solutions to this are multi-factored, complicated, and largely one of the intangibles dumped on the wife). Some of the other observations flow into and out of this isolation and lack of support, exacerbating it at times and reinforcing it at others. Even thinking about establishing a support network starts out with the possibility/worry/expectation-setting that you could legit wear it out in the first few exchanges if you aren't careful.
• (A guess)--his needs end up being functionally more important than yours
• Hypervigilance from knowing the spinning plates might lose momentum with seriously high stakes consequences if they do
• Too many people to support and not enough of you to go around
• If you're mortal like the rest of us, and a couple of these things are true, you probably feel some degree of resentment that the consequences seem to swerve right around other people like magic

And generally, I have been wondering if when you don't agree with people's observations/guesses/lack of nuance that you can apply, it's from being so stressed that you see more trees than forest. You seem like a forest kind of person who can converse knowledgably about trees but would prefer to not have to all the time and that you'd normally be able to adapt broad principles pretty readily.

Sometimes though, I am missing a crucial detail or some nuance that throws off my perception, so I'd take this with a heap of salt.

[Clarita]

I have nothing useful to contribute nor advice. You just have my condolences because I have abandonment issues too and I could not imagine going through what you are going through. 

The last time someone close left me was my mom, when she decided to move an ocean away. The only reason I survived that (I was a mess) was because I had my husband assuring me he is there for me. So my only stupid advice is to find someone who can assure you they'll be there no matter how this thing with your husband turns out. (I think for a spell I was this for my mom, but I don't suggest this. It was absolutely a huge contributor to the mess I needed to survive.) Maybe ask a friend and be frank that it's a huge ask, but don't be afraid to ask for it??  

[Not_a_Number]

I think our dynamics basically boil down to the fact that he has trouble trusting my good intentions, is too afraid to say what he needs, and as a result takes on stuff he doesn't really want to do and does a bad job at it and also winds up feeling resentful because his (unstated) needs aren't met.  

And I have a tendency to lean on him, which he encouraged every since we started dating, and which works out particularly badly because he always winds up feeling like he's shouldering more than he can really do BEFORE we get to the stuff I actually need. 

I didn't understand ANY of this until last year. All I knew is that he was unreliable and didn't have my back and that he'd stonewall when I'd say "Hey, our dynamics aren't working." I now know he was too afraid to admit anything might be wrong and just could NOT look until I gave him no choice. 

I think all the other stuff is either consequences of the above or not super relevant. (Like, I'd like to keep in better touch with friends, but I don't think it's a key issue. The kids are high needs, but when I'm coping, I find them very rewarding. Etc.) 

Edited March 1, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[Not_a_Number]

9 minutes ago, kbutton said:

You seem like a forest kind of person who can converse knowledgably about trees but would prefer to not have to all the time and that you'd normally be able to adapt broad principles pretty readily.

Yes, definitely. 

Also, I find that talking about the trees gets people to argue about specifics in a way that I find unhelpful. To me, as you've noted, the bigger picture matters much more. 

[Not_a_Number]

6 minutes ago, Clarita said:

I have nothing useful to contribute nor advice. You just have my condolences because I have abandonment issues too and I could not imagine going through what you are going through. 

Thank you. It's really hard. I really appreciate the empathy. 

[kbutton]

2 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I think all the other stuff is either consequences of the above

Oh yes, I think this kind of thing is usually all tangled together.

3 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

or not super relevant. (Like, I'd like to keep in better touch with friends, but I don't think it's a key issue. The kids are high needs, but when I'm coping, I find them very rewarding. Etc.)

I would argue that the other stuff sometimes becomes more important over time as you wear down, but since you are tackling the dynamic head-on, you will probably save yourself finding that out. 🙂 So, for instance, the key part of the friend equation is that eventually you will lose what network you have or feel like you have a variety of shallow relationships because they've not had time to develop if that makes sense.

5 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

Yes, definitely. 

Also, I find that talking about the trees gets people to argue about specifics in a way that I find unhelpful. To me, as you've noted, the bigger picture matters much more. 

I think sometimes people (including other forest people) still sometimes have to "assemble" the forest from the trees themselves when they are learning about another person's forest. 

[Not_a_Number]

I do like the idea of being a forest person... 🤣

[kbutton]

Just now, Not_a_Number said:

I do like the idea of being a forest person... 🤣

It has its uses. For me, it can also make something seem really intense and concentrated at times when I'd just like a dollop of...insight, hobby, information, etc. and can't help myself, lol!!!  

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, kbutton said:

It has its uses. For me, it can also make something seem really intense and concentrated at times when I'd just like a dollop of...insight, hobby, information, etc. and can't help myself, lol!!!  

I think it's just that I was somehow starting to imagine myself as a woodland elf. All in green, maybe. 

I may possibly be loopy and need more sleep 😂.

[madteaparty]

2 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

Ooh. Where in midtown? Midtown is easy. 

Say around radio city music hall, 6th and 49th? I will PM you the days I’m in 🙂 

[Not_a_Number]

21 hours ago, madteaparty said:

Say around radio city music hall, 6th and 49th? I will PM you the days I’m in 🙂 

Please do! 

[Not_a_Number]

I'm mostly feeling better today. Took a long walk, treated myself to some sushi while DH watched the kids, had a pretty good conversation with DH. 

Every day is its own little universe right now 😕 . It's so unstable-feeling. 

At least I'm staying afloat. 

Edited March 2, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[Lecka]

Staying afloat is good!

 

I hope things will get better!!!!!!!

[barnwife]

3 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

I'm mostly feeling better today. Took a long walk, treated myself to some sushi while DH watched the kids, had a pretty good conversation with DH. 

Every day is its own little universe right now 😕 . It's so unstable-feeling. 

At least I'm staying afloat. 

I totally get this. Things are not good and hard here too. One of the few IRL people I've confided in keeps wanting to know my long-term plans. And I just....can't do that right now. I am taking things one day (hour?) at a time.  What I currently know is that DH and I agree that things can't continue as they are and that we want to improve. 

That's (much) easier said than done of course. Things that I think/know would work well for me are absolute no-gos for him. Throw in that until recently we shared religious beliefs and now we don't and wowza.  Life is hard.

At best, I'd say I am mostly staying afloat. 

So, hugs, OP, it's so hard.

[Guest]

Hugs to you.

It’s hard to feel anchored when you’re trying to help those you love who are wrestling with hard things, or when you’re trying to protect and guide the kids through the period of instability. 

Would it help to have a hive-auntie send your kids (or you) something? 

[Not_a_Number]

1 hour ago, WTM said:

Hugs to you.

It’s hard to feel anchored when you’re trying to help those you love who are wrestling with hard things, or when you’re trying to protect and guide the kids through the period of instability. 

Would it help to have a hive-auntie send your kids (or you) something? 

Thank you. 

What kind of thing did you have in mind? 

[Not_a_Number]

Today has been an interesting day. I've had a few like this. 

I feel calm. Peaceful. But also with a deep sense of how hard this is and how much difficulty lies ahead. 

Some days, I feel like I can see an end to all this. On days like today, I know that those are lies I'm telling myself. 

But on days like today, I also can feel the concrete gains we've made, and that feels like an immense victory. 

One foot in front of the other. 

Edited March 3, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[ktgrok]

On 2/28/2023 at 8:46 PM, Not_a_Number said:

I think our dynamics basically boil down to the fact that he has trouble trusting my good intentions, is too afraid to say what he needs, and as a result takes on stuff he doesn't really want to do and does a bad job at it and also winds up feeling resentful because his (unstated) needs aren't met.  

And I have a tendency to lean on him, which he encouraged every since we started dating, and which works out particularly badly because he always winds up feeling like he's shouldering more than he can really do BEFORE we get to the stuff I actually need. 

I didn't understand ANY of this until last year. All I knew is that he was unreliable and didn't have my back and that he'd stonewall when I'd say "Hey, our dynamics aren't working." I now know he was too afraid to admit anything might be wrong and just could NOT look until I gave him no choice. 

I think all the other stuff is either consequences of the above or not super relevant. (Like, I'd like to keep in better touch with friends, but I don't think it's a key issue. The kids are high needs, but when I'm coping, I find them very rewarding. Etc.) 

Given all you have said, about YOu having to basically notice things for DH, think through them for him, etc....and then the above where he has issues being passive and avoiding conflict by saying yes to things when he really means no, then not following through because he meant no, and/or being resentful about being "forced" to do things that he actually totally agreed to do and had he said no he could have avoided....HE is the one that needs therapy.

You are acting as his therapist and taking responsibility for his mental and social well being. you can't do that for another person long term. He needs to take responsibility for his own emotional boundaries. There is no way for you to do it for him. And you are going to burn out trying. 

Is he in therapy? Or at least doing some kind of self improvement reading/courses/something on his own? 

[Not_a_Number]

Yes, I agree that he's the one with the problem. So does he. 

I have no interest in taking long term responsibility for him. I've been clear with him about that. He knows. 

He's not in therapy right now, but he's working on himself and doing a lot of reading. He's going to try therapy. Knowing him, I would wager that's not going to be the right path for him, but we'll see. 

As for whether I keep helping him by telling him what I see during this transitional period while we figure out whether this could work... I plan to, up until the point where it seems like a bad idea. For now, it has felt like the right thing. 

ETA: he doesn't want me to take long term responsibility for him, either. He slides into that mode easily, but it's not what he would like. He doesn't respect himself in that mode. 

Edited March 3, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[kbutton]

13 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

Today has been an interesting day. I've had a few like this. 

I feel calm. Peaceful. But also with a deep sense of how hard this is and how much difficulty lies ahead. 

Some days, I feel like I can see an end to all this. On days like today, I know that those are lies I'm telling to myself. 

But on days like today, I also can feel the concrete gains we've made, and that feels like an immense victory. 

One foot in front of the other. 

That sounds like a mindful kind of day--point and counterpoint while staying positive. Good job!

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, kbutton said:

That sounds like a mindful kind of day--point and counterpoint while staying positive. Good job!

Thank you. 

I've been loving these days. They are very productive. 

[Guest]

55 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

Thank you. 

What kind of thing did you have in mind? 

Card? Book?

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, WTM said:

Card? Book?

Thank you 🙂 . That's very kind of you. I don't think we need anything at the moment, but I'll let you know if we ever have need of a care package 🙂 . 

[Not_a_Number]

Aaaand I've been having some post-COVID symptoms for the last few months, and now I've done some tests and there's evidence of auto-immune thyroid stuff, so... whee!! This is just what I need!!!! 

Goodness. It's been an... interesting few months. 

[prairiewindmomma]

Honestly, medicating my wacky autoimmune thyroid issues helped my mental health way back when. This may end up having a silver lining for you. 

[prairiewindmomma]

Also, if you don’t know, be aware that generic thyroid meds are sometimes not as effective as name brand. This is one of the few times when there is a difference. If you see an uptick in weight, anxiety or depression on meds ask for a switch. 

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Honestly, medicating my wacky autoimmune thyroid issues helped my mental health way back when. This may end up having a silver lining for you. 

Ooh. This is really the perspective I need. This could be a GOOD thing. Gosh. 

[prairiewindmomma]

1 minute ago, Not_a_Number said:

Ooh. This is really the perspective I need. This could be a GOOD thing. Gosh. 

Fwiw, my competent primary care Dr did not know this, but I made it to an endocrinologist who was very aware. I share this in case you are ever blown off by a med professional on this point.

[Not_a_Number]

5 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Fwiw, my competent primary care Dr did not know this, but I made it to an endocrinologist who was very aware. I share this in case you are ever blown off by a med professional on this point.

I made an endocrinology appointment for July. So hopefully it'll be good. 

Honestly, my mental health has been better this year than before. But more mood stability would be good. 

[Not_a_Number]

And today I feel.... sad. But again, thoughtful. 

But it's the kind of thoughtful day when I know that my marriage may not work and it's not up to me 😕 . All I can do is do my best. 

[Eilonwy]

I hope you had a good night’s sleep and that something good, even a small thing, will come out of today. 
I’m also an introvert and I find that walking helps a lot when I’m in hard situations, both the repetitive motion and the idea of having my feet on the ground (not barefoot this time of year, of course, but the mental image still helps me feel grounded). 
 

It sounds like you really are doing your best, and also something really significant. 

Edited March 5, 2023 by Eilonwy

[Not_a_Number]

I did have a good night's sleep, thank you! 

There were good things that came out of today, but they weren't obvious good things. Right now, any awareness I attain that this is NOT UP TO ME, that I can't make or break this, that DH is just going to need time is good. Because they give him the space he badly needs to work on things. 

But he also benefits from my eyes. 

Every day in which I get closer to figuring out how to balance these things is a victory. 

[Not_a_Number]

I had a good talk with DH today. 

We mostly talk via text (it's easier to maintain our interactions productive that way), but today, I needed his help with something around the apartment, so we got talking. And it was a really good conversation. 

We talked about how he feels when we interact. How his childhood experiences and our longstanding dynamics mean that he's anxious around me and bends to conform to me, in a way that he both dislikes and has trouble resisting. About how he hates how this feels and how he's been avoiding looking at his internal experience of it, because admitting that our interactions often feel bad would feel like admitting failure. 

I like conversations like this. They always feel like progress. 

[Jaybee]

2 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

I like conversations like this. They always feel like progress. 

I think they are progress. Because he is verbalizing something that gives you more clear clues into how he is thinking and feeling, and that gives you something to work with. When you are just guessing, well, who knows? This helps him understand himself better when he recognizes what is happening, and it can help you both get to a better place in how you relate to one another. Kind of facing it head on, and then saying, okay that's how it is, so how do we improve on it?

[Ausmumof3]

7 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

I had a good talk with DH today. 

We mostly talk via text (it's easier to maintain our interactions productive that way), but today, I needed his help with something around the apartment, so we got talking. And it was a really good conversation. 

We talked about how he feels when we interact. How his childhood experiences and our longstanding dynamics mean that he's anxious around me and bends to conform to me, in a way that he both dislikes and has trouble resisting. About how he hates how this feels and how he's been avoiding looking at his internal experience of it, because admitting that our interactions often feel bad would feel like admitting failure. 

I like conversations like this. They always feel like progress. 

We had what I think was possibly a somewhat similar dynamic. DHs mum and older sister both have quite dominant personalities. When we got married some of that resentment about always having to do what they wanted got transferred to me, as well as a bit of an expectation that I would be his conscience. It’s also somewhat common in our culture I think due to their being so many stay at home mums and people marrying young. I still have to be mindful of not finding myself in that mother/sister type role.

Edited March 9, 2023 by Ausmumof3

[Not_a_Number]

21 hours ago, Jaybee said:

I think they are progress. Because he is verbalizing something that gives you more clear clues into how he is thinking and feeling, and that gives you something to work with. When you are just guessing, well, who knows? This helps him understand himself better when he recognizes what is happening, and it can help you both get to a better place in how you relate to one another. Kind of facing it head on, and then saying, okay that's how it is, so how do we improve on it?

It's less that it gives me clues and more that it moves him forward. He's not in a fixed place. 

I have a pretty good idea of what's going on in his head. He's the one who has trouble with it 😕 . He hasn't wanted to look throughout our marriage. It's still hard for him now. 

Edited March 10, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[Not_a_Number]

With DH, it's less that his mom had a dominant personality as that her uncontrolled anxiety made her a traumatic parent for a gifted, sensitive, anxious kid. She never listened to what he wanted. If she was anxious about something (and there were a LOT of things she was anxious about), his needs didn't matter at all. She would make up self-soothing stories wishing away any troubles he had. Even now, it's impossible to talk to her about anything he had trouble with. (For example, he had a really hard time at school, and if you listen to her stories, he loved school and everything was great. She just can't accept when stuff is wrong. There's pervasive gaslighting as a result.) 

Edited March 12, 2023 by Not_a_Number