Murder suicide and obituaries

[Terabith]

This is really bothering me.  A man murders his wife and five children before killing himself.  The man’s obituary says “he made a point of spending quality time with each and every one of his children” (yep; they each got their own bullet).  It says the man “excelled at everything he did” and that he “enjoyed making memories with his family”. 
 

The wife’s obituary says that “she was an incredible mother who sacrificed everything for her children.”  Her family put out a statement saying if the husband hadn’t removed guns from the home, that the family might still be alive.  
 

The children don’t get obituaries.  
 

https://www.insider.com/utah-man-accused-killing-wife-family-obituary-said-cherished-kids-2023-1?fbclid=IwAR3L6qxPQmdA03jFQ6yiYW6D9C4Ercpb8ga6jzKu-ubt1x0pB2iWedO-9mo

[Eos]

I can't even

Edited January 15, 2023 by Eos

[Katy]

Her family could probably pay for their own obituaries. But yeah, that’s really disturbing 

[NorthwestMom]

It's a grievous illustration of how humans try to come to terms with horrific behaviors of people they love. It's also devastating to comprehend the level of harm that is being minimized. My heart goes out to the victims, especially the children ,and the people who love them. 

[Faith-manor]

That is just, uhm, disturbing isn't the word. The word my brain goes to cannot be printed here.

 

[maize]

People dealing with a massive shock act oddly. That can include deciding to write, pay for and publish an obituary that should have never been published.

I just hope I'm never put in the position of having a close family member perpetrate a murder-suicide. I can't guarantee I'd respond with clear judgment and wisdom.

Edited January 15, 2023 by maize

[Terabith]

29 minutes ago, Katy said:

Her family could probably pay for their own obituaries. But yeah, that’s really disturbing 

The implication based on their statement is that her family DID pay for it.  Along with the thing about if guns hadn’t been removed, maybe she’d still be alive.  

[SKL]

I'm siding with the concept that grief and shock can lead to bizarre thinking.

To be fair, it has to be a hard task to write that obituary.

Where I've seen obituaries that don't try to hide that it was a suicide, they will usually say the person died after a long struggle with depression or similar, and you get the point.  Then they will go on to say a few things that were good about the person's life, e.g., he was a loving sibling, he had a heart for volunteer work.

I don't recall seeing an obit for a murder-suicide.  Does the killer even need a eulogy in a case like this?  How about "___ died unexpectedly on ___.  Calling hours are ___ and a memorial service will be ___."

[Faith-manor]

3 minutes ago, maize said:

People dealing with a massive shock act oddly. That can include deciding to write, pay for and publish an obituary that should have never been published.

I just hope I'm never put in the position of having a close family member perpetrate a murder-suicide. I can't guarantee I'd respond with clear judgment and wisdom.

I have been in that position. Fortunately, the murder suicide was not successful. The perpetrator died 18 months later of cancer. I voiced my opinion about the egregious immorality of publishing an obituary, and hosting a public funeral, and was overruled by the other relatives. So I bowed out of three ring circus. I still maintain that it was a _______ up thing to do and never should have occurred. It isn't like anyone had "closure" from it either. I am, unfortunately, the person they always look to for rationality so they can ask what do we do, and then promptly do the exact opposite, then vilify me when the opposite turns out inevitably to be a bad idea, and why didn't I warn them. 🙄 Sigh. This is why there is a total loss of emotional connection to my mother, and one of many reasons my brother and I are estranged, combined with total estrangement from a couple of cousins, an aunt, and two nieces. It was a well, crapshow. I don't know any other way to adequately describe it.

[Annie G]

11 minutes ago, Terabith said:

The implication based on their statement is that her family DID pay for it.  Along with the thing about if guns hadn’t been removed, maybe she’d still be alive.  

https://www.serenitystg.com/obituaries/Tausha-Haight/#!/Obituary
 

I’m confused about what you mean by her family paying for it. For his obit? 
The gun comments aren’t in this obituary- I read that in the statement the family released. 
 

Fresh grief could certainly account for the gun comment. She and her mom were trained in the use of a firearm to defend themselves. Family members likely feel that if the guns hadn’t been removed that either she or her mom could have intervened.  Of course, if the guns hadn’t been removed then of course they would have become the focus. So either way, someone was going to point fingers. 
Such an awful situation.

[katilac]

There's also a $150,000 GoFundMe for funeral expenses and a "memorial fund." Which could mean anything. 

On the GFM page, they photoshopped Jesus into a family picture, in place of where the murderer was standing. 

PSA: you do not have to publish an obituary. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

I knew someone as an acquaintance who tried to commit suicide by cop. He wound up killing the police officer and then shot himself.  He was also a school superintendent locally and while it wasn’t publicized, he was estranged from his wife at the time of his death.

His wife(a principal in a different school system) literally wrote and published the nicest obituary about how he dedicated his life to working with children, loved art, and suffered from Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy from his football playing time, and how they hoped his death would spur more research into this condition.

It was most definitely a case where an obituary was unnecessary and better left alone.  The young state trooper’s family, including a fiancé and young son, were rather unimpressed by it.  
 

All this to say is that people dealing with trauma and grief often do things that seem strange to others.

[Annie G]

16 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

 

All this to say is that people dealing with trauma and grief often do things that seem strange to others.

Agree! When someone does something awful, it’s probably really hard for the family to process the person they knew and loved for decades is the same person who did the awful thing. That might be what leads to such awkward obituaries. They do not forget the life the person lived before becoming troubled.   Obituaries are written when grief is new and raw, so it’s  not surprising that others see them as odd.  
 

Edited January 15, 2023 by Annie G

[klmama]

15 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

All this to say is that people dealing with trauma and grief often do things that seem strange to others.

Yes.  In addition to the obituary, this often comes out in a family-delivered eulogy extolling the virtues of the deceased to the extent that they aren't recognizable.  

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

1 minute ago, klmama said:

Yes.  In addition to the obituary, this often comes out in a family-delivered eulogy extolling the virtues of the deceased to the extent that they aren't recognizable.  

Random memory but my paternal grandfather was agnostic throughout his life. He was happy to drive my grandmother to church but that was the extent of his religion.  He may have come to a sort of faith at the end of his life, but he was an extremely private man and wasn’t one to talk about it.

At his funeral the preacher told a whole long story about how at the very end my grandfather whispered the sinner’s prayer with the preacher who was visiting.  The preacher then turned it into a showy altar call.
My grandfather died of throat cancer.  At the time of his death he hadn’t been able to speak or whisper in six months.

And that was the beginning of the end of my dad’s faith.

Just randomness, but made me think of it. Funerals and death rituals are just…weird.

[Terabith]

On the other side of the coin, as awful as this is, I do believe that everyone deserves grace, and I don't believe that the horror perpetrated by a person at the end of their life necessarily overshadows everything else they did with their lives.  

It's just hard, and messy and awful.

I don't know what I'd do.

[Faith-manor]

38 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I knew someone as an acquaintance who tried to commit suicide by cop. He wound up killing the police officer and then shot himself.  He was also a school superintendent locally and while it wasn’t publicized, he was estranged from his wife at the time of his death.

His wife(a principal in a different school system) literally wrote and published the nicest obituary about how he dedicated his life to working with children, loved art, and suffered from Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy from his football playing time, and how they hoped his death would spur more research into this condition.

It was most definitely a case where an obituary was unnecessary and better left alone.  The young state trooper’s family, including a fiancé and young son, were rather unimpressed by it.  
 

All this to say is that people dealing with trauma and grief often do things that seem strange to others.

Yes. With this I can agree. If not willing to listen to reason from others, the decisions made in the midst of the trauma are really odd to everyone on the outside looking in. 

What was weird for me was just how much the community was willing to play along with it. There were 350 people at the funeral, and everyone besides my sister and her husband, my husband I and our kids, one aunt and her family and two nephews and their wives, acting like he was a saint and this was normal and good. I have to say, it actually was really hard on me because it was as if about 325 people decided that those of us suffering the harsh realities of what he had done were not entitled to also recognize that this horrible, nightmare had occurred, and hurt us so badly. It was very troubling. We as a family have all had some sessions with a trauma counselor since then which has been quite helpful. But having seen the devastation, even though I understand the weirdness of dealing with trauma, I still feel quite judgy about the obituary of this guy in the OP. 

Edited January 15, 2023 by Faith-manor

[Terabith]

As much as I don't like his politics, I really love Orson Scott Card's Speaker for the Dead.  The idea of a humanist who looks into and tells ALL the truth of a person's life, the good and the bad, and puts it into a context for all those in need of healing, seems.....deeply humane.

[katilac]

6 minutes ago, Terabith said:

On the other side of the coin, as awful as this is, I do believe that everyone deserves grace, and I don't believe that the horror perpetrated by a person at the end of their life necessarily overshadows everything else they did with their lives.  

I think that slaughtering your five children absolutely, without question, overshadows everything else you have ever done with your life. 

[Terabith]

Just now, katilac said:

I think that slaughtering your five children absolutely, without question, overshadows everything else you have ever done with your life. 

Of course.  But it doesn't mean that the good things didn't happen, either.

[Faith-manor]

2 minutes ago, Terabith said:

On the other side of the coin, as awful as this is, I do believe that everyone deserves grace, and I don't believe that the horror perpetrated by a person at the end of their life necessarily overshadows everything else they did with their lives.  

It's just hard, and messy and awful.

I don't know what I'd do.

I can understand that too. I do feel like there should be some societal rule about it though like,  "When it comes to egregious acts of abuse and life altering violence, the perpetrator does not get public acclamation regardless of how nice they were prior to the events because that is a pretty damn awful thing to do to the people picking up the pieces of their lives in the wake of those actions." Something like that. I would have been just fine with the pretending people of my extended family making a super simple death announcement with no history, and then having a small, private funeral. Have at it. That would have been respectful.

Just now, katilac said:

I think that slaughtering your five children absolutely, without question, overshadows everything else you have ever done with your life. 

Agreed. 

[Spryte]

That’s disturbing. And it’s causing pain to the victim’s families, most definitely. Sometimes it’s best just to say nothing. 

I agree that the final heinous act overrides all others, but I think one can likely chalk these things up to the writer’s grief and denial. They are processing not just the  loss of a friend/family member but the pain of knowing their family member committed this horrible act. 

In 2019, I lost a lifelong friend, former housemate of many years, fieldwork tentmate, and general partner in everything to murder-suicide. We went to school together, lived, worked, vacationed, and moved cross country together. This was one of my two college BFFs. We were inseparable for years. I also knew (and disliked) the perpetrator. He isolated her, and I could go on and on about all the DV signs that were there, and my deep wishes that she’d have been able to get away. 

The perpetrator’s memorial page made me very angry for a few years, and still makes me uncomfortable and sometimes mad. I know that there were people who knew and loved him before he turned into what he did, as I knew and loved my friend for many years, and I understand that his lifelong friends need to grieve the person they knew and make peace with what he did, but it hurt to read the glowing comments about him. When they mentioned my friend, it was always in terms of what a good partner she was to him, like she was a sidekick, and never mentioned the painful, tragic ending that he perpetrated.

I struggled for a long time with that, and still do to a degree. There’s no acknowledgment of any crime, and being a murder-suicide, there’s no real justice. No acknowledgment on a lot of levels. I get a bit angry typing it again, still, but much less so.

At a recent anniversary, though, when I read more comments, I could accept that his family and friends are likely struggling with the same questions that I am, from a different angle, processing it in their own time. 

So, yes, disturbing. The above is just how I, as someone who loved a victim, have processed that type of obituary and those remarks about a perpetrator. I’m sure there are other ways to think about it, too. 

[Sneezyone]

9 hours ago, maize said:

People dealing with a massive shock act oddly. That can include deciding to write, pay for and publish an obituary that should have never been published.

I just hope I'm never put in the position of having a close family member perpetrate a murder-suicide. I can't guarantee I'd respond with clear judgment and wisdom.

A friend of mine lost a cousin to an abusive family annihilator. I don't understand this reaction at all.

[Melissa Louise]

The obituary of a family annihilator should not be published.

If it's on social media, it should be reported and removed.

If it's in a newspaper, shame on the newspaper.

No comment on family members or friends who provide such an obituary.

 

[Melissa Louise]

8 hours ago, Terabith said:

Of course.  But it doesn't mean that the good things didn't happen, either.

It significantly makes one question 'the good things'.

[Spryte]

4 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

The obituary of a family annihilator should not be published.

If it's on social media, it should be reported and removed.

If it's in a newspaper, shame on the newspaper.

No comment on family members or friends who provide such an obituary.

 

I agree.

[Farrar]

I don't know a ton about how newspapers deal with obits. I know they're paid for, but surely they can exercise their ability not to print. And in this case, I think they should have.

Do I correctly understand from the statement by the wife's family that they used to have lots of guns in the house, but the husband took the guns out except for his so that he could be the only one with a gun and murder them all? Because... that's not selling me on "guns help people." Wow.

[maize]

16 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I don't know a ton about how newspapers deal with obits. I know they're paid for, but surely they can exercise their ability not to print. And in this case, I think they should have.

Do I correctly understand from the statement by the wife's family that they used to have lots of guns in the house, but the husband took the guns out except for his so that he could be the only one with a gun and murder them all? Because... that's not selling me on "guns help people." Wow.

I've been following this a bit because it is in my state. My understanding is the husband had moved out of the house; the wife filed for divorce a few weeks ago. The husband came back to the house at some point and took all the guns, his and hers.

As far as I know details of what happened the day of the murder are not known, but in my head he returned with at least one and possibly more guns. The idea that the wife and mother-in-law and kids could have defended themselves and stopped him had they only had guns in the house does sound like a stretch. A gun on their person may possibly have been used, but I doubt he gave them time to retrieve any guns that were stored responsibly in a gun locker and unloaded.

It sounds to me like the wife's family are big gun fans...it is weird to me that in what I think was their first public comment after the murders their priority was to tell everyone essentially "don't make this about guns being bad. Guns are good and could have saved the victims."

[katilac]

8 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I don't know a ton about how newspapers deal with obits. I know they're paid for, but surely they can exercise their ability not to print. And in this case, I think they should have.

I was going to say the business office might not even have recognized the name, and it's written as a standard obit, but Haight isn't wildly common, and Tausha, the wife, and several of the children had fairly unusual names, so it seems unlikely. 

 

[Sneezyone]

46 minutes ago, maize said:

I've been following this a bit because it is in my state. My understanding is the husband had moved out of the house; the wife filed for divorce a few weeks ago. The husband came back to the house at some point and took all the guns, his and hers.

As far as I know details of what happened the day of the murder are not known, but in my head he returned with at least one and possibly more guns. The idea that the wife and mother-in-law and kids could have defended themselves and stopped him had they only had guns in the house does sound like a stretch. A gun on their person may possibly have been used, but I doubt he gave them time to retrieve any guns that were stored responsibly in a gun locker and unloaded.

It sounds to me like the wife's family are big gun fans...it is weird to me that in what I think was their first public comment after the murders their priority was to tell everyone essentially "don't make this about guns being bad. Guns are good and could have saved the victims."

If your daughter/sister/mom/nieces/nephews are murdered by a family annihilator with a gun, my first thought wouldn't be to rehabilitate/prop up the reputation of... guns.

[easypeasy]

What a bizarre obit for someone after such a horrific event caused by that person. 😕

I feel that the perpetrator's family might NEED to think on "the good parts" when someone they loved committed such a heinous crime, but don't feel such an obit should be published. Write it as an exercise and put it in a drawer, yk?