Who's the Dictator in Your Family?

[JennifersLost]

So today we went and got our Christmas tree, but there was much grumbling from the oldest two teenagers beforehand about how they shouldn't bother going because I never let them pick out the tree. I always get to pick it out.

 

After a few back and forths on this topic I blurted out, "You know what? Neither one of you seems to have realized that in a few short years you're going to be grown up and out on your own. And then, because you're guys, you're going to get to be the dictators in your homes for the REST of YOUR LIVES!"

 

Blank stares.

 

"You know how (dh) is the dictator in this family, right? Well, that's going to be you!"

 

More silence. Finally oldest ds says, "He doesn't seem like the dictator. You seem like the dictator." The other two boys chime right in and agree. Dh yells from the other room, "That's what it seems like from here, too!"

 

We all had a big laugh, but it really made me think. I always feel like dh has the final say. According to him, I get to decide everything. It's really odd that the kids think I have the final say, because dh is by far the more strict one in the house.

 

Am I really the dictator?

[jamnkats]

We don't have a dictator. DH tries, but we "rule" by consensus.

[Nicole M]

Funny you should bring this up just now. I was just reading the letters of Abigail and John Adams yesterday ("Remember the Ladies") and there's a good deal of banter between them about who really has the power. I was talking about this with a buddy, and he thinks that although men appear often to have more power, basically they're all afraid of us. So yeah, they give up their power and let us be the dictators (?).

 

I definitely am the dictator in this family. But I happen to be married to an extremely passive, very eccentric man who grew up in pre-Vatican II New Orleans, where deference to authority is the norm and in a family culture where men are very submissive. So, uh, maybe ours is a special case.

 

I love that your husband hollered from the other room, "That's what it seems like from here, too!" That cracks me up.

[Aggie]

I am. Although I prefer the term "Domestic Royal Highness" in my day-to-day life.

 

The first 2 years of our married life, dh was deployed all but 4 months. :glare: Because of that, I HAD to make all the major decisions. I found housing, paid bills, made vacation plans, everything.

 

When dh went to shore duty, we just continued that way of life. I still make most major decisions, but I do ask dh's thoughts and input.

 

If/when he has a strong opinion one way or another, though, we go that route. He's pretty easy going, but when he requests something, it's important.

 

And usually, when one of us has a strong feeling about something, the other really doesn't have a strong opinion on that issue. We complement each other nicely. One example, and this seems so trivial, but the fireplace tools. He *insists* on a certain type, for some unknown reason. (Perhaps because he's the one using them all the time? :001_smile:) It makes no difference to me, so he picks them out.

 

Now my sister....she can't even pick out dinner plates without her dh's approval. He has strong opinions on everything domestic. Everything. That would drive me bonkers. But they don't have kids and they both are home a lot. They have time and energy to confer with each other on everything.

 

But I think everyone in my family would agree that I'm the dictator,errrr...manager.:001_smile:

[Peela]

Dh is an extroverted authoritarian dictator....but I am his weak spot, and I usually get the final say if its important to me. The kids know it too...if he is being too heavy with them, they just come to me and I moderate.

I think its normal for the dad to need to feel he is in charge, but usually its the woman who really is :)

[Stacy in NJ]

My men call me The Dragon Lady. :D

[KidsHappen]

And everyone knows it. As my children like to say, daddy may be the head of the family but mama is the neck and she knows how to turn the head any way she wants. :tongue_smilie:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Dh is the dictator but he delegates that responsibility 90% of the time to me.

[Melinda in VT]

When I read the subject line, my first thought was, "The three-year-old!"

 

(Yes, we're working on it.)

 

As for DH and I . . . I'm having a really hard time answering that. DH is the idea generator ("Hey, let's move to RI!" "Hey, let's buy an inn!" "Hey, let's travel around the world with a 5yo and 1yo twins and write a book about it!") but I generally have veto power (yes, yes, and are you crazy?).

[kewb]

No doubt about it. It is me.

[Karenciavo]

Umm....my 6 year old. Or at least she thinks so.

 

Hey, we have one of those here! He hasn't succeeded in establishing rule, but he keeps trying. :001_rolleyes:

[Catherine]

nt

[wenn]

We take turns.

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

In fact, I cringe when I see mentions of 'helpmeet' because it's just so far from my reality!

I have never ever seen a man 'in command' in the family. Never!

I have uncles and grandfathers who served on the highest courts as judges, but at home? Their wives acted as if the husbands were unable to think. I have uncles who lead major hospitals, and created medical firsts, and at home they couldn't even decide what clothes to wear.

[elegantlion]

My family tends to operate under the same regime in which I was raised. It appears that all the rules/regulations come from the father. However he is more of a figure head leader. I knew my mom would go to my dad, but the punishment came through her. She was a tough second in command.

 

My family dynamic is similar. Dh is more the dictator in some things, however I'm the harsh one. I let dh get all the glory of his role as leader.

 

I told ds he was getting a little too spoiled and our fearless leaders says, "yes, but he's our only child." Might as well pull the moon down now, because when he asks Daddy will answer. :001_huh:

[LisaKinVA]

I usually have to come up with stuff... but always run it through DH first.

 

(rules, curriculum, etc.) He usually rubber-stamps what I'm doing.

 

When we did the house plans, I usually came up with 2-3 different plans, and then we'd talk and he'd choose one. If there is something he really doesn't like or wants to change, I do it -- unless I have a darned good reason not to (which we then talk about).

 

Right now, our big discussion is on whether or not to do Geothermal. We're planning radiant in-floor heat. We have planned a high-velocity AC system (which can also use Geothermal). I'm just wondering if the Geo might be overkill (and I'd much rather have my feet warm during the winter sans socks).

[Garga]

I think the wives are the dictators.

 

While getting ready to leave her mother-in-law's house, my friend told her husband to hold something for her, then she left the room. After he held it for a few minutes, his mom (who was talking to him) said, "You can set that down on the counter." And he said, "No, I can't. She told me to hold it."

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

Quote from the movie "Bon Cop Bad Cop"

That Canadian movie showcases a French Canadian cop and an English Canadian cop working together. It obviously plays on stereotypes.

Anyway, the French Canadian cop has to deal with his daughter who wants a piercing.

"Your mother and I will discuss this, and she'll tell me what I'm supposed to say"

 

:lol: That was one of the lines that got the biggest laugh in the French Canadian audience.

 

At home, DH tells the kids "You should listen to mom when dad talks to you!" (Écoute ta mère quand ton père te parle)

[WTMindy]

Dh is the benevolent dictator in our house.

[Janet in Toronto]

From the film "My Big Fat Greek Wedding":

 

Daughter (Toula): Ma, Dad is so stubborn. What he says goes. "Ah, the man is the head of the house!"

Mother: Let me tell you something, Toula. The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants.

 

That's pretty much the way it works around here...DH is Lebanese, not Greek, but it's how it worked in his household and he learned from his father, LOL!

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am the benevolent dictator in my house. Since dh has to make so many decisions daily at work, I think he is relieved when I just do it. We discuss the biggies, but dh usually defers to my judgement. I do listen to his input - maybe not right away - but it does carry a lot of weight. He just doesn't choose to chime in all that often.

 

However, my mom used to say that my toddlers ruled the roost. Mom was a "my way or the highway" and "no attitude goes unpunished" kind of person and could not understand that I did not feel the need to make every issue a capital case. I learned early on that the way to avoid a meltdown was not to confront every issue head-on, but that circumventing things until the toddlers outgrew their low threshold of frustration was more productive and created more a more peaceful life. (Now that doesn't mean I let them get whatever they wanted, I was just worked very hard at creating an environment where I was able to say "yes" more often than "no.")

 

As an aside - I love the comment in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" where the mom tells the daughter that the father may be the head of the household, but the woman is the neck and the neck tells the head which way to turn!! lol

[AnnetteB]

:lol:

This is an interesting thread. I asked the kids who they think is "in charge" and they say it is me. I think ours is more like a little kingdom with a benevolent king and his beloved queen. The dc are all a bit spoilt early on, but grow up to be responsible and loving co-rulers in their own homes, sigh. I hope that the children realize that love runs a home. When it comes to the little stuff, like Christmas trees, our entire family (although this year the littlest and myself stayed home where it was warm) usually tromps around the U-cut fields admiring the trees big and small, nominating a couple before a selection is made, usually one just stands out as being the "right tree." This year they all returned home happy with a slightly smaller tree that Natalie spotted. I am relieved that this one doesn't scrape the ceiling and take up half the living room like last year's!

[Plucky]

I think we take turns. My oldest son says dad but that is because dad says no first and I say let me think about it. I'm a softie. My kids are so good I rarely have to bring out the mean mom routine.

[Heather in Neverland]

I am definitely the dictator. My dh is a "go with the flow" kind of guy.

[WagsWife]

Well...the rule in our house is "If Mom is not happy...no one is happy."

[HRAAB]

Depends on what it concerns. Finances, investments, budgeting, MAJOR purchases (as in more than $500...) dh makes the final decision. He always asks what I want, but in the end he'll decide. That's his arena. If it's in the house, homeschooling, activities for the kids, etc., that's my area.

 

Of course, if the girls want something they don't think dad will go along with, they always come to me cause I have a way with him. :001_smile:

 

Janet

[newbie]

Well...the rule in our house is "If Mom is not happy...no one is happy."

 

Can I borrow that rule.

 

DH is dictator for finance, dd rules the rest of the roost, she is my mini me.