Helping a grieving friend--ideas needed

[Ditto]

My best friend (since high school!) is really struggling with the loss of her newborn grandchild.   The baby had many congenital anomalies and died roughly 14 hours after birth.  My friend never got a chance to see or hold her in person.  The parents chose a closed casket and therefore my friend actually never even saw her before she was buried.  I gently encouraged her to visit the funeral home and even dress the baby (of course making sure it was okay first with her son-the father) but she didn't feel she could ask so she didn't.   This is all compounding her grief she told me.   It has only been a few weeks so it is still very fresh.   My friend is a caregiver, she puts herself last.  She lives in a different state so I can't be close and help.    She did say today she is going to see if there is a grandparent grief support group near her.   I would like to put together some kind of "comfort/grief/love" box together to send her.  But honestly my own worry and grief is giving me brain block and I am not sure what actually would be of comfort and support to her.   She is Catholic and very religious so those types of things are good too.  Oh, she said the cemetery is close to her house and she plans to read baby (I am deliberately not using baby's name, but she has one) books, so maybe some children's books?    I am lost and hoping you guys can help me put together a meaningful package for her.  

Edited November 6, 2021 by Ditto

[fairfarmhand]

A Christmas ornament with baby's name. 

[PeterPan]

I love the ornament idea. If she likes gardening, you could order her a rose bush (delivered in the spring obviously) that would commemorate the dc. When my inlaws passed we received nice things like stone plaques to go in your garden/flowers and house plants. Someone sent me a windchime when my MIL passed. Some kind of little angel figure for inside or for the garden could be nice.

https://www.amazon.com/John-Timberland-Standing-Victorian-Sculpture/dp/B078TJS8J5/ref=sr_1_4?keywords=angel+yard+statue&qid=1636215956&sprefix=angel+yard+%2Caps%2C175&sr=8-4  Maybe not this one but the idea.

[Katy]

A long lived variety of tree.

[Catwoman]

I'm never any good at making suggestions in situations like this, but I wanted to say I'm so sorry for your friend and her family, and I think you are such a kind, sweet, and wonderful friend for wanting to do something special for her.

[fairfarmhand]

Maybe a donation to a children's charity so that her granddaughter's memories "live on" in other children? Or crocheting tiny bonnets for preemies at the local hospital? I know she probably needs something tangible, but this might help remind her that her granddaughter's life did have meaning, though it was short.

[Ditto]

These ideas are perfect.  Thank you all!  I'm glad to have some ways to hopefully bring some tiny bit of comfort to her in such an unbelievably sad tragic time.

[Excelsior! Academy]

Precious moments figurine?  Several years ago a friend of mine lost her child and I wasn't able to attend the funeral because of it being out of state coupled with a freak winter ice storm.  When I called the florist to inquire they recommended the figurine.  Many years later friend said she still treasures the figurine.

[math teacher]

For several years after my sister died, I had a memory garden. There was a birdbath, figurine of a girl with a butterfly in her hand, a butterfly garden stake, and purple flowers. The butterfly and  the color purple are associated with lupus. I know you said you don't live near her, but she might be interested in cultivating a memory garden. 

[Kassia]

Love the idea of the ornament and the memory garden.  

Another idea would be a flameless candle - I think you can get some with angels.  Maybe she could have that candle going in memory of the baby.  Not as sure about this, but maybe something small with the baby's birthstone like a small pin or pendant. 

Something like these?

 https://www.amazon.com/Shimmering-Flameless-Candles-Batteries-Included/dp/B00PBGLER6/ref=asc_df_B00PBGLER6/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=198090973912&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11369684059062883572&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9015255&hvtargid=pla-319914081544&psc=1

 

Or a figurine as mentioned above:
https://www.amazon.com/Willow-Tree-hand-painted-sculpted-Remembrance/dp/B003OSSKWK/ref=psdc_1095304_t1_B09FSQ8GZ6

Edited November 6, 2021 by Kassia

[busymama7]

When I lost my baby, anything with her name was especially meaningful.  Christmas ornament is a great idea as is a bracelet or necklace IMO.  Personalized. 

[Hyacinth]

These are lovely ideas and, wow, I love when the Hive does its thing like this! 

Ditto, I’m sorry for your friend’s loss. Your willingness to step into the grief with her is beautiful. 

[Lucy the Valiant]

If she keeps a garden, something that grows. ❤️

[Ditto]

More sweet wonderful ideas!  You guys are simply the best.  Thank you!

[Guest]

I agree with busymama7 - my baby’s name was very precious to me and even just hearing someone say it (affirming that she was a real person) was very comforting. 
 

If your friend has any symbols of other grandchildren, give her one for the baby. For example, my SIL has Alex & Ani bracelets with the initial of each grandchild (it’s kind of funny because half of them have names beginning with “R”!); something like that might be appreciated. 
 

You’re a very kind friend. 

[Drama Llama]

...

Edited November 7, 2021 by Nothingtoseehere

[happi duck]

I totally agree about not doing a plant etc unless you know it's wanted.

Besides sweet books maybe a stuffed animal. Something she could have on her lap when she reads at the cemetery.

 

[Ditto]

Thank you.   I really like all of the ideas.   I especially like having the baby's name on something for her.   For those of you that have babies, I am just so sorry.  I appreciate you taking the time to share what brought you some measure of comfort.   

You have really come through for me and I am so appreciative. 

[Clarita]

Not specific to death of a grandchild, but even listening to her grief can be so good for her. (Even if you don't know what to say) The parents are probably getting a lot of support, people listening and asking about them, because they are the parents. As a grandparent she may not be getting the same support and being a caregiver person she may not be asking for it. If you can it would also be really good for your friend if you offered to talk with her on a regular basis about her grief/feelings. 

[City Mouse]

2 hours ago, Clarita said:

Not specific to death of a grandchild, but even listening to her grief can be so good for her. (Even if you don't know what to say) The parents are probably getting a lot of support, people listening and asking about them, because they are the parents. As a grandparent she may not be getting the same support and being a caregiver person she may not be asking for it. If you can it would also be really good for your friend if you offered to talk with her on a regular basis about her grief/feelings. 

I was about to add a version of the same thought. Just keep checking in with her. You can focus on her while her other family is probably focused on the child’s parents.

[Ditto]

3 hours ago, Clarita said:

Not specific to death of a grandchild, but even listening to her grief can be so good for her. (Even if you don't know what to say) The parents are probably getting a lot of support, people listening and asking about them, because they are the parents. As a grandparent she may not be getting the same support and being a caregiver person she may not be asking for it. If you can it would also be really good for your friend if you offered to talk with her on a regular basis about her grief/feelings. 

 

1 hour ago, City Mouse said:

I was about to add a version of the same thought. Just keep checking in with her. You can focus on her while her other family is probably focused on the child’s parents.

 

Thank you both for this advice.   It hadn't occurred to me that she may not be getting a ton of support and/or the support that she desperately needs.   While we have been in close contact I will make sure to be even more mindful of staying close and giving her ample opportunities to talk about her grief.