DD wants to go to school and I’m mourning…

[Porridge]

So silly, right? I feel like I shouldn’t be sad but I am…

I think COVID isolation finally bested my extreme introvert. Last year, she said she might want to try school.  But she wasn’t sure. We thought maybe she’ll go to school next year, but part of me half expected she might change her Ming.  This weekend, she told me quite decisively that she wants to try school.  This is the child over whom I fretted for years because she would not talk to many other kids. She’d always hang on the edge of the group, even groups we’d been a part of for years.  I felt like I bent over backwards trying to find and encourage social interaction, but didn’t succeed. This year, I scheduled very little in terms of outside activities for us - in large part due to COVID, but also on the assumption that DD wouldn’t mind being home a lot.  Now suddenly she wants to meet more kids and be more social. Part of me rejoices that she’s learning to be brave and put herself out there for social interaction. Part of me feels like I failed because I didn’t provide those social outlets for her, or that I couldn’t anticipate those needs.

Now I’m realizing I’m really going to miss her. I look at the brick and mortar highschool lifestyle and realize she’ll be gone for most of the day, then holed up studying for hours at night. She’’lol definitely choose the AP classes, and I know she’ll have lots of homework.  There are  so many books I still wanted to read with her. She’s old enough now to have really interesting discussions. Last week, she found a 30 year old copy of The Death of Ivan Ilyich (printed in the USSR when the USSR still existed!!) on the shelf and read it - she had shockingly mature insights, and we had an amazing discussion. And there are so many projects I want to do with her. We’re currently tackling a crazy family Halloween costume project with lots of sewing and it’s super fun…

I’ve prayed for years that she would learn to be a friend and enjoy friendship. So God is answering my prayers, but it’s painful. 

Ok, it’s kind of pitiful, I know. Anyone want to tell me everything is going to be ok?   I know everything is going to be ok, but I’m still sad. Feeling sheepish, but sad.

Edited September 7, 2021 by WTM

[freesia]

I think your response is really normal and healthy.  Whenever there is change, there can be mourning.  You are entering a stage with your dd where as they grow, mature and spread their wings it does mean loss on a certain level for you as her mom.  My second just went away to college.  I am so happy for her as she has wanted this for so long, but I am sad bc she is no longer here.  I think also when you had imagined one thing happening and then it changes suddenly, it is harder.

You can still have those great conversations. Why don't you arrange a standing coffee date so you know you can touch base with her once a week?

Let yourself be sad and grieve.  But don't dwell there or cling. (But I can tell you know that!) But don't feel guilty or wrong for your completely normal reactions.  It's so odd (not exactly the word I want) that when they get to be people that we really enjoy, they are ready to leave. But that's the way it is.

Edited September 7, 2021 by freesia

[Amira]

I get this.  My relationship changed with my middle child when they started to go to high school in 11th grade, and there were definitely losses.  I especially was sad that we didn’t get to do history together anymore because we’d had so much fun with it for years.

But, it turned out that our relationship didn’t get bad, it was just different, and there were a lot of definite positives. I loved seeing the influence of good teachers in their life.  They had the chance to make good friends they never would have met as a homeschooler. I also loved having more time for me to explore my own interests. And my kid was happy in school.  It was a good thing overall, no question. 

That same kid is a junior in university right now, on the other side of the world from me. We still talk everyday online, and we’re working our way through children’s book series together.  Homeschooling isn’t the only way to have a great time with your kid.

[Soror]

(big hugs) 

I get it. When ds told me he wanted to go to school for 8th I was so sad. I went through all the stages of grief. Then right before school started that year we decided to put all 4 in as we thought dh was going to lose his job and I needed to find a job as backup to supplement unemployment just in case. The weekend after school started I got a PT job I could do at home and I brought the younger 2 home (after 3 days). My 6th grader wanted to stay in. I cried every morning. I can't even remember how long. I'm not generally sentimental and rarely cry. It was so hard. She was my buddy, we were so close. I hated it. 3 months later she decided to come back home. Ds stayed in and is still there. Dd went back last year for 8th and it worked for her then. It was absolutely the best choice for both of them but it didn't make it easy and of course you don't know at the time how it will turn out. There are definite pros and cons but it has been overall positive for both of them. --They both had bad years last year but would have honestly been worse if they were at home. 

I will say homeschoolers made it all worse. EVen some I'd known forever acted like this was my plan all along. ( I already had highschool plans started for ds- I had decided I wouldn't force him to stay home like many do around here but I certainly didn't want him to go) Some still look at me funny, just last week at a park day some ladies acted like they didn't know me. I'm not considered a true homeschooler any more. I know one lady I knew well had told me it was weird coming to events after having put a kid in school. I didn't grasp it until I had done the same, it is not fun. I don't feel I belong any more.

[Lori D.]

(((((hugs)))) Sympathizing how hard that must be. And also -- it is not you or a failure on your part. She is just now starting to "blossom" in her own timing. She wasn't ready for those social activities you tried to line up previous. So totally NOT a failure! You've been a very conscientious and loving mom and homeschooler! And even more now, in that you are putting her new needs first. So very understandably hard when you were looking forward to doing such great things in high school together!


Don't read the following, until you've had time to really absorb those hugs, and the great empathetic experiences of the above posters, as the rest of my post goes beyond hugs and sympathy and "JAWM," and has some suggestions... 😉 

First, you might scramble right now and get your DD linked into some extracurriculars for this year. That would fill her current budding social need, and would give her a chance to build relationships which may be what she is starting to want, so that attending a brick & mortar school may end up not being what she needs to "fill her cup". It would also be good "practice" for switching over to a school, of having regular social interactions with peers.

Second, if wanting to make friends and socialize, going to a school may not be what works -- students sit in class, have 5 minutes to run to the next class, have a 30 minute lunch where they may or may not meet/friends friends, and then go home and do homework. Not a ton of time in there for socializing. Yes it will be great If she is wanting to be part of a crowd, yet still be rather anonymous 😉 . But if she's actually wanting 1-on-1 friendships, or involvement with a small group, then extracurriculars are much more likely to fill that particular socialization need -- and that can be done with homeschool groups, or participation with the school's extracurriculars (where allowed), or with community activities.

Activities to try and get her signed up for this year at the potential future high school (if their policies permit homeschoolers):
- sports or swim team
- after school club
- specialized class such as band/orchestra/choir, drama, dance
- specialized team such as speech & debate or robotics

See these past threads for lots more ideas of community extracurricular activities:
Advice for extracurriculars (lots of ideas in the posts)
What extracurricular activities for the high school years?
High school socialization (activity ideas)
DS is so, so lonely (activity & social suggestions for teens)
Extracurricular activities for computer-obsessed introverted kid? 
Best recreational level extracurricular opportunities (suggestions for all ages) 
Low income people and extracurriculars (suggestions for all ages + ways of cutting costs) 


If heading to high school, a very important thing to start researching now:
You don't mention her current grade (if she's 8th grade this year, or already 9th grade or above)... BUT: if she has already started high school with homeschooling, moving to a brick & mortar school may be tricky, or may not even possible, depending on the high school's policies.

Some schools do not accept any credits from homeschoolers (and often not even from another public school if a student is transferring in from a different district or state), which means they require homeschoolers (and transfer students) to come in as a 9th grader -- even an incoming 12th grader would have to start back as a 9th grader. 

Some schools accept credits--but only if the student takes, and passes, the end-of-year exam for each and every credit the student wants to transfer and be on the school's transcript for their high school experience. Again, that has the potential of pushing an older high school student back in grade level, if the student can't remember the material to pass the end-of-year exam, or has worked on classes in a different sequence, so not familiar with the material on the end-of-year exam in order to pass it.

So do the research NOW about switching to high school (if she is already a high schooler) is even a possibility, so then you and DD can adjust plans, if needed.


BEST of luck to you both, and hoping you and DD will continue to make wonderful memories together in new ways, if she ends up switching to a brick & mortar school. Warmest regards, Lori D.

Edited September 7, 2021 by Lori D.

[prairiewindmomma]

It’ll be ok.

Her world is meant to expand as she grows up, and high school is a lovely transition to the college years.

It is a changing of the season, but for my kids who chose to go to public school, it’s been a good change. (I had a harder time with it. 😉 )

[Starr]

All those conflicting emotions, sadness for missing them, happiness for their opportunities.

[PeterPan]

59 minutes ago, WTM said:

Anyone want to tell me everything is going to be ok?

Well it wouldn't be fair to say everything is going to be ok. What you can be sure is that it will be a learning experience. If she's had that much social anxiety (or pick whatever term you're using), then it's wonderful that she's ready to try new things and possible she'll realize she needs some supports! It's not like an all or nothing. 

But you can be sure you'll be doing it TOGETHER and that you'll be NEEDED. 

What are your plans for yourself in this? I think that's the other big shocker, when you've poured into someone and then you transition to a new stage.

[ktgrok]

One idea - read the same books she does for her English classes, so you can still discuss them. Maybe watch some documentaries together as well?

[Arcadia]

My introvert DS16 had always wanted to go back to a classroom, preferably a school. He started dual enrollment in 10th grade and took the community college as his high school. 

As for AP classes, school policies varies.  When my oldest was thinking of public high school, we have to decide by April to get first pick of classes.

As for friends, my oldest did not make any permanent friends from his community college classes but he didn’t aim to. My teens make friends the way my introvert husband make friends. My husband and kids are just very cordial and friendly but not in the chat after school kind of friendship. 

Would you be able to drive her to school and back? You could discuss literature in the car. 

[freesia]

38 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

One idea - read the same books she does for her English classes, so you can still discuss them. Maybe watch some documentaries together as well?

That's a great idea--or maybe the movie version and then she can tell you (complain) how they are different.

[aggie96]

My oldest could.not.wait to fly the coop and head to b&m school. She is so extremely shy, and I thought I would get her longer than I did. It was sad. It was hard for me. The fact that she loved it and it was clear that it was the right choice for her made it easier. She is NOT NOT NOT getting the kind of education there that she would have had at home in SOME respects. But she is challenged in other ways that she would not have at home, so that is good. Always trade-offs. I still miss her. 🙂

Now my youngest has followed in her footsteps and flown the coop as well. But he is an extreme extrovert. I always knew he would be headed out of the house sooner rather than later.

I mourn for the missed opportunities that this creates. BUT if I'm being honest, I was not going to get to it all anyhow because...reality. Only so many hours in a day. Easy with 3 elementary kids, no so much with 3 young adults.

The one thing that I insist on to keep my connection with each kid strong is carpool. I drive DD to school and 3-4 day/wk pick DS up from school so that I get that quality one-on-one time with them. It's short but sweet. And they love it too. I have read their school books with them, busted out better homeschool resources for learning something on occasion, and insist that they use what education I gave them even if their teacher doesn't (like proper grammar!).

Sigh...I'm already dreading DD heading to college, and it's 2 years away. It's never enough time no matter what you do. 

Edited September 7, 2021 by aggie96

[kirstenhill]

Our situation was a little different because it was a long-planned transition, though it did happen a year earlier than we previously planned.  From the time DH and I were married and we talked about home schooling, he had a strong preference that we send our kids to public school for high school.  DD and I had a really rough relationship her 6th and 7th grade years and a lot of conflict over school work, so it was a mutual decision that it was best for our relationship for her to go to school in 8th.  DS14 definitely wanted to wait until 9th (and with COVID, it didn't make sense to do it any sooner, though he did take one public school class last year that was online for 75% of the year). 

I do miss them when they are gone at school, but for us, by 7th-8th grade, they were doing most school work independently anyway and spending most of the day working in their designated study space, so not really "hanging out" for most of the day anyway.  And my kids so far haven't had to spend hours and hours studying at night (As I mentioned in the other thread, DD has a seasonal job and would be away from home for that).  My DD took some AP/Honors classes and some regular classes, but not the full number of AP classes it was possible to take.

We've still done some whole-family read alouds on weekends or in the evening (not all the time, but sometimes).  We also listen to audiobooks on family trips, and times when DD and I were driving together (driving practice for her license and other trips like a college visit) we've picked audiobooks to listen to together.  So we still have some interaction over books to read.  I chose to read Frankenstein after she read it for AP lit last year, and it was fun to talk about it together! I give myself permission to read any books on my own I find interesting and find people to talk about those books with online, even though I am not reading high school level books with my kids.  I've read several classics that I missed in high school/college and get just as much enjoyment out of reading them myself and finding other people to talk to them about, even if it isn't my kids. (Though sometimes I do give them reviews and suggest books they may want to read/listen to in their spare time or over the summer).  😁

[Porridge]

4 hours ago, freesia said:

You can still have those great conversations. Why don't you arrange a standing coffee date so you know you can touch base with her once a week?

 

The standing coffee date is a great idea. But it sounds like highschool schedules are so crazy that even that might be hard to fit in! My nieces and nephews are usually out for 12 hours a day, then come home to do homework til midnight. The answers on the other thread I started (about typical highschool schedules) sounds similar. We could discourage her from doing clubs, so she could get home earlier, but that kind of defeats the social purpose... I would hope that I would be a high enough priority to her that she'd want a standing date with me, but I wonder if in practice it would get squeezed out. Well, I could at least offer it!

 

4 hours ago, freesia said:

Let yourself be sad and grieve.  But don't dwell there or cling. (But I can tell you know that!) But don't feel guilty or wrong for your completely normal reactions.  It's so odd (not exactly the word I want) that when they get to be people that we really enjoy, they are ready to leave. But that's the way it is.

Thank you for this

[Porridge]

4 hours ago, Soror said:

I went through all the stages of grief.

Yeah, I think I skipped the denial and anger, but I'm teetering on the bargaining, and mostly in the depression.  

Of course, I'm not bargaining with my daughter, but bargaining in the sense of a temptation to scheme and dream of ways make staying home really attractive, or make going to school really unattractive (haha!) Of course there is nothing wrong with thinking of ways to make home life / homeshcool life pleasant, but I don't want to make my desires primary, and bulldoze hers. Her desires are reasonable, and I want to respect them.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

You certainly haven't failed.

You've given your daughter the time and space and autonomy to spread her wings when she's ready.

All of your years of togetherness doesn't just disappear. Those experiences and memories will always be shared.

And the bond you've nurtured over all the years of homeschooling is such a loving and solid foundation for your relationship as she transitions to adulthood.

My daughter spread her wings this year, after 9 years of homeschooling, and while our days look different to those of years' past, our relationship is better than ever.

I wish you and your daughter all the best 🌻

[Miss Tick]

I totally get the feeling. My ydd told me that she wanted to try b&m a couple of years ago. I didn't handle it totally professionally, 😄, but I told her that 8th grade was when I would consider the transition. In practice that means that at the new year we are going to have to decide if I need to buy curriculum for '22-'23. More recently she has said she might want to stay home for school. Ironically now that gives me conflicted feelings, I had made my peace with the idea!

After a period of grieving I have come around to the idea having benefit for all of us. I'm intentionally avoiding discussing the topic before next calendar year, my emotions don't need the roller-coaster.

[Teaching3bears]

((Hugs))

It’s going to be fine.  Doors aren’t really closing but new ones are opening.  You will see new joys in her eyes and be happy for her.  You can still read together and she will always be your daughter.  She’s lucky. I get the impression you have a really close relationship, the kind that can only grow with new experiences. 

[Porridge]

13 hours ago, PeterPan said:

What are your plans for yourself in this? I think that's the other big shocker, when you've poured into someone and then you transition to a new stage.

I don't know.... About 2.5 years ago, I left a career that I trained many many grueling years for. Though I'm maintaining certain certifications, I don't *currently* see myself going back to it, at least not in the traditional pathways, due to regulatory and culture issues.

Ironically, over the previous few weeks, I'd been feeling really down on myself for no longer having a career. I've also been helping DS navigate some challenges which has been extremely draining. I was feeling a need to "figure out something for myself" because it felt like my younger was sucking me completely dry.  But after DD dropped her decisive-school-bombshell, now I suddenly have zero angst about finding "something for myself" ---  I just want to make the most of this last year of having her home 🙂  Haha. I guess that's one blessing - a reprieve from the I-suck-because-I-gave-up-my-career angst! 

The reality is that even if/when DD goes to school next year, DS will likely still be home. We'd likely do things differently, though, because he'd probably be lonely, and we'd need a different structure to our homeschool.... I will have to figure that out.  

[prairiewindmomma]

I had one year where oldest was the only one home and the youngest three were off. This year, my youngest is home and the other three are off to college and public school. The dynamics change, but it’s still good!

[Porridge]

14 hours ago, Lori D. said:

(((((hugs)))) Sympathizing how hard that must be. And also -- it is not you or a failure on your part. She is just now starting to "blossom" in her own timing. She wasn't ready for those social activities you tried to line up previous. So totally NOT a failure! You've been a very conscientious and loving mom and homeschooler! And even more now, in that you are putting her new needs first. So very understandably hard when you were looking forward to doing such great things in high school together!


Don't read the following, until you've had time to really absorb those hugs, and the great empathetic experiences of the above posters, as the rest of my post goes beyond hugs and sympathy and "JAWM," and has some suggestions... 😉 

 

Thanks for this, @Lori D.

 

14 hours ago, Lori D. said:

First, you might scramble right now and get your DD linked into some extracurriculars for this year. That would fill her current budding social need, and would give her a chance to build relationships which may be what she is starting to want, so that attending a brick & mortar school may end up not being what she needs to "fill her cup". It would also be good "practice" for switching over to a school, of having regular social interactions with peers.

Yes, now that I realize she actually WANTS more activities, I am moving to try to find some for her. We wouldn't send her to school until next year anyway, and I wouldn't make her wait a whole year to try to start making friends. She has enjoyed youth group, and we're looking into some sports and debate opportunities.

 

14 hours ago, Lori D. said:

Second, if wanting to make friends and socialize, going to a school may not be what works -- students sit in class, have 5 minutes to run to the next class, have a 30 minute lunch where they may or may not meet/friends friends, and then go home and do homework. Not a ton of time in there for socializing. Yes it will be great If she is wanting to be part of a crowd, yet still be rather anonymous 😉 . But if she's actually wanting 1-on-1 friendships, or involvement with a small group, then extracurriculars are much more likely to fill that particular socialization need -- and that can be done with homeschool groups, or participation with the school's extracurriculars (where allowed), or with community activities.

Yeah, I don't think she really understands this part since she's never been to school. I wonder if there's a way for her to do a trial day at the local public school so she can get a sense. I'm 99.99% sure the school district will say no (I've had to interact with them for DS before). Maybe I should enroll her for a few days just so she can see what it's like (is that disrespectful to the school?), but I wouldn't want to do that until the delta surge comes down.

 

14 hours ago, Lori D. said:

If heading to high school, a very important thing to start researching now:
You don't mention her current grade (if she's 8th grade this year, or already 9th grade or above)... BUT: if she has already started high school with homeschooling, moving to a brick & mortar school may be tricky, or may not even possible, depending on the high school's policies.

DD is 13, in 8th grade by year. I've gleaned great advice from you on this topic from other threads (thanks!!).  I think we're ok since we'd be coming in as 9th graders. The only hiccup might be that she's taking Connie's Adv Honors Chem (Clover Valley) this year, which I was going to count as a high school credit. Hopefully the brick and mortar school would let her test out, or let her just go into AP Chem.  She's also accelerated in math, but I got a soft ok from the math chair of the local PS to let her test out of their math sequence into an appropriate class. She will definitely miss her favorite curriculum vendor ever, AOPS, when she goes to school...

[Guest]

Hugs to you, Mama. It’s hard to let them grow up and out of the nest. My three kids were hs up to high school; then they went to B&m schools. 
 

IME, outside extracurricular with non-homeschoolers never produced real friendships. I think there’s just a barrier to relating to kids who have never homeschooled. My dd was on a wonderful soccer team for several *years* and while she was *friendly* with those girls, and even went to a few birthday parties, she never formed solid friendships with them. It was the same way with both my boys; their “real” friends were only people who were or previously had Homeschooled.  It wasn’t until they each went to b&m high school that they started to make friends with kids who were not or never hs,d. 
 

I am glad they all entered high school; it expanded their experiences and their worlds in a way I appreciate. (And I still shared many books, political discussions, and experiences with my kids after they had gone to school, and even college.)

[Soror]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

Hugs to you, Mama. It’s hard to let them grow up and out of the nest. My three kids were hs up to high school; then they went to B&m schools. 
 

IME, outside extracurricular with non-homeschoolers never produced real friendships. I think there’s just a barrier to relating to kids who have never homeschooled. My dd was on a wonderful soccer team for several *years* and while she was *friendly* with those girls, and even went to a few birthday parties, she never formed solid friendships with them. It was the same way with both my boys; their “real” friends were only people who were or previously had Homeschooled.  It wasn’t until they each went to b&m high school that they started to make friends with kids who were not or never hs,d. 
 

I am glad they all entered high school; it expanded their experiences and their worlds in a way I appreciate. (And I still shared many books, political discussions, and experiences with my kids after they had gone to school, and even college.)

It was the same here. I started and ran various groups for years they had some friends but those rarely resulted in any get togethers outside that event. I know the homeschool party line is that they can't make friends in school anyway but generations of kids have been making friends at school. Growing up my only friends were kids I went to school with and they were real and meaningful friendships. When kids are small it doesn't make much of a difference, everyone they meet is a best friend they don't even have to know their names. It is harder as they get older. WE have fewer that homeschool older grades so there are less options anyway and then age differences start to matter more after puberty. I ran and organized various groups but it wasn't enough. I can't think of any time my girls got together with anyone they met at outside activities. Ds had 2 kind of friends from Scouts he hung out - maybe a couple of times a years on bdays. That gave him a connection when he went to school but he's made new friends now. He never could connect well with any of the other homeschool kids(I tried focused groups with other kids his age even- like Science Club, Robotics, Literature- all things he was interested in and we had other kids come but it didn't make any friendships). Ds also did TKD, no friendships made there either. He rebuffed any of my other suggestions for outside activities. I think that in some communities with bigger homeschool groups this is much easier. For some kids they cannot meet their social needs through homeschooling. Being a teenager is hard enough, I could not force them to stay home. 

[Miss Tick]

7 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I had one year where oldest was the only one home and the youngest three were off. This year, my youngest is home and the other three are off to college and public school. The dynamics change, but it’s still good!

One of the reasons I'm resigned to encouraging my ydd to attend b&m school is that when her older siblings leave the house (twins) the daytime dynamic will be so different and quiet that I'm worried she will be unhappy. Did you ever deal with this kind of shift? I'm also a bit worried she and I will end up like the Calico Cat and the Gingham Dog, but we can anticipate and deal with those kind of issues! 😄
 

[Soror]

13 minutes ago, SusanC said:

One of the reasons I'm resigned to encouraging my ydd to attend b&m school is that when her older siblings leave the house (twins) the daytime dynamic will be so different and quiet that I'm worried she will be unhappy. Did you ever deal with this kind of shift? I'm also a bit worried she and I will end up like the Calico Cat and the Gingham Dog, but we can anticipate and deal with those kind of issues! 😄
 

I wonder about this for my youngest. DD2 says she wants to stay home but I know both of my older ones changed their mind in 7th and ended up going in at 8th. If dd2 goes to school I'd be surprised if dd3 wants to stay home. I'd love to have her home if she does, we'll see.

[EmilyGF]

21 hours ago, ktgrok said:

One idea - read the same books she does for her English classes, so you can still discuss them. Maybe watch some documentaries together as well?

Yes to this! We had so much fun watching documentaries and movies together last year that were assigned for extra credit for AP US History that I've found my own lists of similar movies for their current social studies APs (Human Geo and Government).

I haven't kept up with English reading in the past, but that is my goal this year. DD14 is a writer, so being able to talk with her about English is vital.

[Porridge]

17 hours ago, Quill said:

IME, outside extracurricular with non-homeschoolers never produced real friendships. I think there’s just a barrier to relating to kids who have never homeschooled.

 

14 hours ago, Soror said:

It was the same here. I started and ran various groups for years they had some friends but those rarely resulted in any get togethers outside that event. I know the homeschool party line is that they can't make friends in school anyway but generations of kids have been making friends at school. Growing up my only friends were kids I went to school with and they were real and meaningful friendships. ... It is harder as they get older. WE have fewer that homeschool older grades so there are less options anyway and then age differences start to matter more after puberty. I ran and organized various groups but it wasn't enough. ...

I've found this to be true as well. There seems to be an almost sacred belief among some homeschooler circles that homeschooling is not only socially adequate, but socially superior. The reality is that it has been socially great to some ways (they interact with our elderly neighbors, etc), but a struggle for both my kids in other ways (peers).

[MercyA]

It will be okay.