Once again, my youngest child - who is 16 - is left out

[Bootsie]

37 minutes ago, Quill said:

I personally don’t think it should be split that way either. I don’t think any family group should be split with some invited and some not. For my dd’s wedding, it won’t be, unless the parents decide that themselves. 

I think it has become more difficult over the years as to what is considered a family group.  When I was at college or in graduate school, I did not necessarily consider myself part of the "family group" when my parents and sisters were invited somewhere.  Just because I was still single I didn't consider myself a "child" to be invited as part of a family group.   Now, I think young adults are considered by many part of the family unit for longer.

I also think a lot depends on the ages within the family.  I have a sister who is six years younger than I am and one who is twelve years younger than I am.  So, some of my parents'/family's best friends were people my youngest sister knows, but I was in college by the time my parents met them and I really don't know them.  

My youngest sister is the youngest of the nieces and nephews on my dad's side of the family.  She is six years younger than the next youngest (my other sister) and 11 years younger than the next cousin--several of her first cousins were married before she was born.  One of her first cousins has a child 13 months younger than my sister.  So, my sister was much closer in age to her second cousins-or first cousins once removed--or whatever they are called.  DH had two daughters when we married, one who is 13 months younger than my sister.  So, my sister is in the same age range as her second cousins and her step-nieces.  In our family, no one would have ever been able to keep things straight as to what generation within a family was being included/not included in an invitation and made any logical sense of it.  (Last time we were together as a  large group and there was the "adult" table for dinner DS was in a quandary--at 21 did he go to the adult table with his siblings and their spouses who are in their 40s or did he go to the table with his nieces and nephews who ranged from 6-16).  

[Kassia]

24 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Take a page from @Mrs Tiggywinkle and redo your pictures. 

Hers are beautiful!  That's a wonderful idea. I can't see us every actually doing it, but I do love the idea.

[gardenmom5]

5 hours ago, Quill said:

What about in the groom’s family? 

Three of the four cousins who have done it this way all have the same parents, so yes it does have bearing on what another cousin does. It is apparently what their family views as the solution: hard age line, keep it the same for all their kids’ weddings, whomever it leaves off - oh well. 

I'm asking what are the parameters for the groom's family?  Does the groom have family that is being cut-out by this 18yo rule?  or are you saying only the bride's/cousin's family's excluded family members, matter?  (or that your cousin/bride is marrying a cousin/groom?)  And what about cousins on your cousin's other parent's extended family?     From what I can tell - you're only referring to the bride's parent to whom you are related.  that leaves three other parents of the bride and groom to whom you are not related - and they have extended family too that I presume would also be invited - and affected by this 18 yo cut-off.

I'm trying to understand just how far this extends..  From your own comments, I have ONLY seen your comments regarding your own extended family - which leaves out a lot of people who are related to the cousin and groom - but not to you. 

  some of your extended family have used the 18 hard cut-off, and some haven't.  From your own comments, when it was used, it was always 18 (so nothing changed there.)     You are planning your daughter's wedding the way your daughter would like, and including whom you like - but I'm sure you noticed the same rules for whom you invited apply to whom your future-son-law's family invites.

 

[Guest]

Quote

I'm trying to understand just how far this extends..  From your own comments, I have ONLY seen your comments regarding your own extended family - which leaves out a lot of people who are related to the cousin and groom - but not to you. 

  some of your extended family have used the 18 hard cut-off, and some haven't.  From your own comments, when it was used, it was always 18 (so nothing changed there.)     You are planning your daughter's wedding the way your daughter would like, and including whom you like - but I'm sure you noticed the same rules for whom you invited apply to whom your future-son-law's family invites.

I don’t mention the groom’s family in my niece’s wedding because I don’t know anything about them. It seems to me he is an only child or from a very small family. The bride’s mother is from a tiny family, had one brother, and no nieces or nephews from that quarter. 

I’m talking about how it affects my family because that’s what I know about. AFAIK, it doesn’t affect anyone else. The large amount of cousins are all from my dh’s side. In my case, if I were doing a hard age cut off at 18, I would chop off my sister’s youngest kid, which is part of the reason I’m not doing that. I sat at my kitchen table with dd and future sil and said we are not doing it that way because this nephew would get excluded on my side and it would happen in two other families on dh’s side. 

My future son-in-law does not present a problem bc his parents, according to what he’s told me, are by far the youngest in the extended family. He said his cousins were mostly adults when he was born. So there is no issue there. 

[Katy]

13 hours ago, Quill said:

No, there aren’t any kids in that category. There are no similar-aged first cousins who are left out. They are all invited, though is possible or likely their parents will not choose to have them attend, judging from decisions they have made at past weddings. So, for instance, one family has four boys, only one who will be over 18. The other boys are invited. If they come, great. But I don’t think the parents will choose that. It is out of state for them and they will have to get lodging for six. So I doubt all four boys will come. But it won’t be on our shoulders; they are invited. 

So there are THREE other underage cousins invited, just not your son?

Setting aside the ridiculous possibility of ever leaving 3 high school age boys home alone together while I traveled out of state, that is just wrong. 

[Katy]

I wonder if your DS will not invite all of his cousins, or do something so thoughtless as to send their invitations to their parents. 
 

What?  None of you invited me to your weddings?

[Guest]

25 minutes ago, Katy said:

So there are THREE other underage cousins invited, just not your son?

Setting aside the ridiculous possibility of ever leaving 3 high school age boys home alone together while I traveled out of state, that is just wrong. 

No, there are five under-18 cousins cut off by age. My son, from our family unit, another son from another family unit, and three of the four boys in another family unit. All under 18, but none “little kids.” None invited to the wedding - that is, I assume. 

(In the block you quoted, I meant for my dd’s wedding, not the cousin’s, there are no similar aged under 18s who are uninvited. They are all invited. They may not come, though, judging from parent’s past decisions when they were invited.) 

Edited February 8, 2021 by Quill

[Scarlett]

Quill the dress you are going to wear is very nice. I am still a fan of the long dress option, but it would depend on what the MOG is wearing.  
 

As far as wedding guests......well it should be reasonable and cutting out one 16 year old cousin that has been involved in the brides life is not reasonable.  It is hurtful and unkind. 

Personally if I had a large close family I would put on a wedding that I could afford that would include them all.  

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Quill the dress you are going to wear is very nice. I am still a fan of the long dress option, but it would depend on what the MOG is wearing.  
 

As far as wedding guests......well it should be reasonable and cutting out one 16 year old cousin that has been involved in the brides life is not reasonable.  It is hurtful and unkind. 

Personally if I had a large close family I would put on a wedding that I could afford that would include them all.  

That basically does match my views, though of course there are other people who have a say, too, particularly the bride and groom. 

[Amy in NH]

My entire nuclear family has been left out of multiple weddings when the entire rest of the family was invited.  I guess cutting 6 people off the guest list was that important?  For my cousin's wedding, a lot of the family I hadn't seen in many years traveled to my part of the country; dh & I took the kids to the location the day after the wedding to visit those family members we wouldn't have a chance to see otherwise.

I'm sorry you're dealing with that.  It would eat me too.

[gardenmom5]

51 minutes ago, Amy in NH said:

My entire nuclear family has been left out of multiple weddings when the entire rest of the family was invited.  I guess cutting 6 people off the guest list was that important?  For my cousin's wedding, a lot of the family I hadn't seen in many years traveled to my part of the country; dh & I took the kids to the location the day after the wedding to visit those family members we wouldn't have a chance to see otherwise.

I'm sorry you're dealing with that.  It would eat me too.

Wow.  I'm so sorry.

[Janeway]

On 2/7/2021 at 7:07 PM, Seasider too said:

That’s rather harsh. 

So is starting a marriage and having a "wedding" but being more concerned with the looks and the pictures than of the family that is being brought together.  It is very harsh to exclude one 16 yr old.

[Ditto]

He's 16, not 6.  This is very wrong and I would be thoroughly ticked off about it.

[Carol in Cal.]

13 hours ago, Amy in NH said:

My entire nuclear family has been left out of multiple weddings when the entire rest of the family was invited.  I guess cutting 6 people off the guest list was that important?  For my cousin's wedding, a lot of the family I hadn't seen in many years traveled to my part of the country; dh & I took the kids to the location the day after the wedding to visit those family members we wouldn't have a chance to see otherwise.

I'm sorry you're dealing with that.  It would eat me too.

Wow, this is awful.

[hippymamato3]

On 2/7/2021 at 3:39 PM, Quill said:

Yep. That’s the assumption. 

Did they send individual invites to your adult children?

[hippymamato3]

On 2/8/2021 at 7:41 AM, Quill said:

No, there are five under-18 cousins cut off by age. My son, from our family unit, another son from another family unit, and three of the four boys in another family unit. All under 18, but none “little kids.” None invited to the wedding - that is, I assume. 

(In the block you quoted, I meant for my dd’s wedding, not the cousin’s, there are no similar aged under 18s who are uninvited. They are all invited. They may not come, though, judging from parent’s past decisions when they were invited.) 

In this case, I wouldn't be upset. They made a decision and it wasn't exclusive to any one family or person. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, hippymamato3 said:

Did they send individual invites to your adult children?

They sent “save the date” cards; one to dd and her finance, who live separately, and one to our house with me, dh and older ds on it. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, hippymamato3 said:

In this case, I wouldn't be upset. They made a decision and it wasn't exclusive to any one family or person. 

It still chops families up; I don’t see the need to be so hard-nosed about an age category. He’s not enlisting with the army or donating a kidney; I don’t see why younger teen siblings should not be invited. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[hippymamato3]

8 minutes ago, Quill said:

It still chops families up; I don’t see the need to be so hard-nosed about an age category. He’s not enlisting with the army or donating a kidney; I don’t see why younger teen siblings should not be invited. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wouldn't be upset, but I also wouldn't go. 

[Shoeless]

34 minutes ago, Quill said:

They sent “save the date” cards; one to dd and her finance, who live separately, and one to our house with me, dh and older ds on it. 

That's just weird and rude. 

[Momto6inIN]

On 2/7/2021 at 12:34 PM, Bootsie said:

The first of DDs friends got married Dec 2019--pre-COVID.  Over 500 people were invited.  DD was a bridesmaid.  The couple wanted to have a large wedding and control expenses, which in my mind would dictate cake and punch--but they had a large reception which was, in many ways an audience watching the wedding party.  Beer, wine, and champagne were served to the wedding party. Water was not even provided to "ordinary" guests; they were expected to buy bottled water.  The food served was different depending on what type of guest you were---there was wedding cake for the bridesmaids, groomsmen, etc., but the "ordinary" guests were served donuts.  (The entire experience has convinced DD she will not have more than 30 people-if even that-if she ever gets married.)

 

On 2/7/2021 at 1:58 PM, Bootsie said:

Almost two decades ago, someone in DH's family got married.  DH was invited to the wedding along with our two children (who were about 4 and 7 at the time); I was not invited--I was not included because I was not "famlly"--and a line had to be drawn somewhere.

DH ended up going and taking the children.  I took a mini-vacation for the weekend and visited a friend (and had a much better time than I would have had at the wedding). I was very upset at the time and knew that it was the bride's mother trying to cause problems.  I was not keen on DH taking the kids, but also knew it was a rare opportunity for them to meet some of their relatives--and I did not want to deny them of that opportunity.  Now, DH (and others in the family) see much more clearly what was occurring.  

 

On 2/7/2021 at 4:14 PM, Bootsie said:

For the crazy wedding I posted about above, DD, who was a bridesmaid, tried to gently suggest to the bride that she consider how other people were being impacted by her demands.  The bride replied with the "But it's my special day!  And, I am the last grandchild in the family to get married...." DD said, "Well isn't it really Brad's day, too" and said the bride gave her a bewildered, puzzled look and replied, "Well not really."  ? 🙄

DD came close to backing out of being a bridesmaid.  It was her first friend to get married and she didn't know what was normal.  In the past year she has politely declined to additional invitations to be a bridesmaid, partly because of the ghastly experience.

 

Bootsie, you know some awful,weird, awfully weird people 😳

[Scarlett]

52 minutes ago, hippymamato3 said:

I wouldn't be upset, but I also wouldn't go. 

That would be my inclination too but I can also understand how much fall out Quill would get for not going especially with her own dd's wedding coming up.

[Bootsie]

1 hour ago, Momto6inIN said:

 

 

Bootsie, you know some awful,weird, awfully weird people 😳

Well, the first and last situation was the same bride--and I do think weddings can bring out some of the worst in people, unfortunately.  Add messy families on top of that...