Once again, my youngest child - who is 16 - is left out

[Ginevra]

Almost a JAWM. Not 100% a JAWM, because I absolutely know that some people are sympathetic to the wedding family’s right to make a hard age line in the sand. However. This is the fourth time a first cousin of my kids is getting married and is inviting my two over-18 kids and not my youngest. I’m going to be nakedly honest here - this burns me up! 

I totally understand where the issue comes from; we have a big family with a crap-ton of first cousins. I totally get not having kids at the wedding because then you could potentially have 20 kids - little kids - which is expensive and moves away from the picture in mind. Still. I am helping plan my dd’s wedding and, after debating about the age line thing and on my insistance that under NO circumstances will I cut off the younger kid in a family as has repeatedly happened to me, it actually only increases our guest list by potentially 8 people, and they are not little kids; they are mostly teens and upper teens. Additionally, I don’t even completely expect all 8 under-18s who are first cousins will attend. 

My dd assures me that my ds 16 will not really care that he is not invited to his first cousin’s wedding. I expect that is true. But it feels so mean-spirited to me to invite my older kids and hang my younger kid out to dry. Over and over again, he misses this experience that they both have available to them. (When this has happened the past three times, my older kids did not go either, but it was also easy to decline them because they were occupied at college. One of the times, dd was in France.) 

I have actually googled “one child left off wedding invitation” and I do not get any results that appear to speak to this situation. They all appear to have to do with not inviting kids to the wedding at all. I don’t find any advice about splitting families where some kids are adults and some are just not quite adults. I personally just think it’s a crap decision to butt off one cousin of three in a family because he is not yet 18. It burns me up and bothers me a lot. About the only good thing I can say is that this is most likely the last time it will happen because of the way the ages work out; I expect my dd’s wedding will likely be the last one for three or more years, unless another cousin marries very young. 

[mmasc]

Well, I’m going to JAWY, because this would bother me too. Plus, it just seems weird to me since the one left out is 16! That’s not really ‘kid’ at all when it comes to this situation. (It’s not like he’s going to be running around playing with his Tonka trucks during the reception)

[mommyoffive]

Ugh that stinks.  I am sorry.  It would upset me too.  I get that the couple gets to decide who comes and who doesn't.  And if this is happening soonish they might be making it even smaller because of covid. 

We didn't have any limits on kids and I wouldn't have done it any other way.  There were lots of little kids in our wedding.  They youngest were 1 year old twins.   They were all family and I can't imagine not inviting family.  I am sure most of my family wouldn't have come if they couldn't have brought their kids.  Anyway kids are fun and bring a lot of life and smiles to the wedding. And it wasn't like I was taking care of them, so anything they did wasn't my problem.  

But yeah  your son isn't a kid in my eyes, he passes for an adult.  It is not like he is going to break down crying during the vows.  

[J-rap]

It would bug me too.  It's not like you have two kids over 18 and then a 2-year-old.  It seems like they should have taken one minute to think through the situation and realize that a 16-year-old might feel badly if his other siblings were all invited.  And I'm sure he sees himself as being in their general age group.  

It's just common sense, really.

 

[Scarlett]

16 minutes ago, Quill said:

Almost a JAWM. Not 100% a JAWM, because I absolutely know that some people are sympathetic to the wedding family’s right to make a hard age line in the sand. However. This is the fourth time a first cousin of my kids is getting married and is inviting my two over-18 kids and not my youngest. I’m going to be nakedly honest here - this burns me up! 

I totally understand where the issue comes from; we have a big family with a crap-ton of first cousins. I totally get not having kids at the wedding because then you could potentially have 20 kids - little kids - which is expensive and moves away from the picture in mind. Still. I am helping plan my dd’s wedding and, after debating about the age line thing and on my insistance that under NO circumstances will I cut off the younger kid in a family as has repeatedly happened to me, it actually only increases our guest list by potentially 8 people, and they are not little kids; they are mostly teens and upper teens. Additionally, I don’t even completely expect all 8 under-18s who are first cousins will attend. 

My dd assures me that my ds 16 will not really care that he is not invited to his first cousin’s wedding. I expect that is true. But it feels so mean-spirited to me to invite my older kids and hang my younger kid out to dry. Over and over again, he misses this experience that they both have available to them. (When this has happened the past three times, my older kids did not go either, but it was also easy to decline them because they were occupied at college. One of the times, dd was in France.) 

I have actually googled “one child left off wedding invitation” and I do not get any results that appear to speak to this situation. They all appear to have to do with not inviting kids to the wedding at all. I don’t find any advice about splitting families where some kids are adults and some are just not quite adults. I personally just think it’s a crap decision to butt off one cousin of three in a family because he is not yet 18. It burns me up and bothers me a lot. About the only good thing I can say is that this is most likely the last time it will happen because of the way the ages work out; I expect my dd’s wedding will likely be the last one for three or more years, unless another cousin marries very young. 

Oh man that would completely infuriate me.  Absolutely the wrong thing, I don’t care what the etiquette experts say.  This whole ‘well it’s their big day’ has just gone too far.  

[alisoncooks]

That would anger me. 

[Junie]

(((Quill)))

It's hard when kids aren't invited to the wedding.  It still doesn't *quite* make sense to me.  But, if they were going to not invite kids, they had to draw a line somewhere.  They chose 18, as it is the age of legal adulthood.  Personally, if alcohol is involved, I think 21 would be a better age.

I actually think it's harder when the age cut off is younger.  I mean the difference between 17 and 18 is *legal adulthood*, but the difference between 12 and 13 is *what*?

IMO, there is really no way to win if you are excluding kids from the invitation.  Someone always gets hurt.

I missed my cousin's wedding because kids weren't invited.  I wanted to go, but a) the wedding was out of state, b) it was dd10's First Birthday, c) dd10 was still nursing.  I wanted to just take the baby with me so that I could see some relatives that I haven't seen in a long time and let them see the baby.  

[teachermom2834]

Yeah that is annoying. And of course they have a right to invite whoever they want but they also have a right to look at the individual situation and bend or break whatever the cut off is depending on the situation. 

 

[Kassia]

I'd be upset about that, too.  Makes no sense.  

[Katy]

Either invite the cousins or don’t. Inviting half is mean.

Edited February 7, 2021 by Katy
Typo

[cbollin]

here's your just agree with you. Been there too.  I get it that the bride and groom get to make the decision and have to have cut off line somewhere.  That's cool.  I get it.  can't invite everyone.  but intentionally omitting some of the family when it's older teen is just awkward!

The good thing is that I called it right on it when I said "it's ok girls. Aunt Emily will be divorced from this jerk in a few years."    Aunt Em and her now ex-husband did not even allow the infant son of groom's brother to be invited. (would have been 6 weeks old) Well, groom had to get another best man as his brother chose to stay home (in another city) with wife and 6 week old.   oh my !  so it wasn't really about us.  it was about them!

But yeah, that one wedding was a weird situation.  Bride had to allow her 17 year old brother to attend.  But refused to invite 17 year old nephew. Bride allowed preschool aged niece to attend (daughter of her full brother who lived out of state), but did not allow my kids who were nieces from half brother who lived out of state (ages 15 and under).  Groom's brother who was original best man and lived out of state could not bring infant, which meant he stood up for his wife and child and stayed home.   and all of bride's sorority sisters who lived in town ?  Ghosted her.  LOL.  they didn't show or rsvp.  LOL.

The day of rehearsal we get a call from husband's dad asking if any of us were attending the rehearsal dinner that night. It was the first notification that it was an option.  Guess what? it wasn't just my husband who was invited to that. It was me and the girls. what???????  but we couldn't change husband's travel plans on a dime and there was no way I was going to drive that day to a bowling alley party.  Oh, I stayed home out of state with my daughters while my husband went to his half sister's half baked wedding (joint decision we made).

people are just weird with weddings.

The not necessarily agree with you. Your kid probably won't care.  Mine didn't.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[HS Mom in NC]

Since you said its not a full on JAWM, wedding expectations are a destructive force and completely voluntary. Don't volunteer for that.

Don't make it personal-it's not. The couple just had to make an across the board decision and they did-legal adults only. That's very common.  It's a reasonable thing to do and making exceptions for your son or anyone else under 18 would be a terrible idea on their part-nothing inflames resentment more than making exceptions for a privileged few, or one other person, while making everyone else abide by the rule.  The bride wasn't being mean-spirited thinking, "Hhhhmmm, I want Quill's older kids there, but not that younger kid-this is my big opportunity to stick it to him!" She's thinking about the under 18 crowd as a whole, the under 13 crowd as a whole, the under 8(ish) crowd as a whole, then looking at the budget, venue seating limitations, and making the call as a whole.  

My guess (I admit I could be wrong) is that you didn't grow up with a bunch of brothers.  I sometimes feel kinda sorry for women like that.  They don't have a full grasp of the male psyche by watching it play out as peer relationships. The huge advantage to being raised with males around your age and a bit older (I grew up with 3 of them  11 months-9 year older than me) is that you really understand them. 

Your daughter is right, unless your youngest son is very unusual, he has no desire to go to a wedding and would probably hate being there. I have never in my life met a man who enjoys attending weddings because weddings are hyper-feminine events. When my husband's best friend's daughter got married, he said to his son, "If you're having fun, you're probably doing something wrong.  It's just one day, suck it up like a man."   Your son is dodging a bullet by not being invited.  You should be happy for him and yourself. You don't have to be the woman in his life that tells him how long he has to stay at the wedding before he can leave without being resented for it.

[Bambam]

Is it possible they forgot you have a 16 yo? I hate to ask, but I could imagine in the chaos that is wedding prep that something got overlooked. 
Is it possible - since both your older children are over 21, that they will be serving alcohol, so no one under the age of 21 is invited so they don't have to worry about making sure no underage drinkers? 

In our family, the over 18 kids wouldn't have been invited with Mom and Dad anyway. If they were invited, they would get separate invitations as they are legally adults now. 

But if it bothered me, I'd just not attend. If my older kids wanted to attend, I wouldn't care. 
 

Edited February 7, 2021 by Bambam

[medawyn]

We had a child-free wedding, and I can't imagine having quite so arbitrary an "age line".  We invited a few of my cousins in the 13-16 range because they all had older siblings.  I made sure their parents knew the kind of evening it was (black tie, seated dinner), so it was at their discretion that kids did or did not attend, but I wouldn't have invited only some of a family with all older kids.  That's weird.

I do feel differently about family with independent adult children.  One of my aunts has a two younger kids and two older; at the time of my wedding, the older two were living on their own.  They received invitations but their at-home siblings (probably 10 and 12 at the time?) did not.  That felt different to me.

ETA: I have a LARGE extended family.  DH does too.  Family alone was 150+ guests.  So I truly understand wrestling with how to and whether or not to invite all family members.  Many of my cousins have made different choices by preference or budget (like only aunts and uncles and no cousins of any age) but to weirdly split a family with all teenagers in pieces is strange to me.

Edited February 7, 2021 by medawyn

[Scarlett]

As for no male enjoys a wedding....I disagree.  I started taking my son to weddings when he was an infant because thankfully that is how things roll in my circles.  He very much enjoyed himself.  Same with my husband and step son......

And honestly all of this exclusion of children to an event that is suppose to be celebrating a new family unit is IMO harmful to our social structure.  

[sassenach]

I'd be seriously tempted to call them and say, "Hey, not sure if this was intentional or a mistake, but did you mean to leave ds off the the invitation? It seemed odd to me with him not really being a child anymore and I thought maybe you just forgot that he's 16 now."

 

[sassenach]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

As for no male enjoys a wedding....I disagree.  I started taking my son to weddings when he was an infant because thankfully that is how things roll in my circles.  He very much enjoyed himself.  Same with my husband and step son......

And honestly all of this exclusion of children to an event that is suppose to be celebrating a new family unit is IMO harmful to our social structure.  

Not to mention that I just think it's an important part of life for teens to be exposed to. I'm always a little surprised by how little exposure my kids' friends have had to life stages and events. So many of them have never been to a wedding or never been around a pregnant person or never held a baby. Because of our life within the church, this has been such a given for my kids and I think it's important. 

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, sassenach said:

Not to mention that I just think it's an important part of life for teens to be exposed to. I'm always a little surprised by how little exposure my kids' friends have had to life stages and events. So many of them have never been to a wedding or never been around a pregnant person or never held a baby. Because of our life within the church, this has been such a given for my kids and I think it's important. 

Right? Funerals too.  

[Guest]

37 minutes ago, Bambam said:

Is it possible they forgot you have a 16 yo? I hate to ask, but I could imagine in the chaos that is wedding prep that something got overlooked. 
Is it possible - since both your older children are over 21, that they will be serving alcohol, so no one under the age of 21 is invited so they don't have to worry about making sure no underage drinkers? 

In our family, the over 18 kids wouldn't have been invited with Mom and Dad anyway. If they were invited, they would get separate invitations as they are legally adults now. 

But if it bothered me, I'd just not attend. If my older kids wanted to attend, I wouldn't care. 
 

No that’s absolutely an impossibility. The extended family all live in the same state and we have all been very involved with each other for niece’s whole life. She, and her parents, are absolutely, positively aware they are cutting off the youngest child. Two of the three other times were also the bride’s siblings, so obviously this is the family’s standard view of the way to do it. Make a no-exceptions hard age line at 18 and, if that means two other younger kids, or one other younger kid is cut out, oh well; figure out what you want to do. It’s not even about alcohol because the line is at 18. 

I simply cannot not attend. It would be a huge stink and my dd’s wedding is one month apart from niece’s. I would like to be able to tell my niece I think this is the wrong thing to do, but it wouldn’t change anything and is not worth the flare-up. And it is true that my ds will not really care; it’s my issue entirely. 

Also, the “Save the Date” card came specifically addressed to me, dh and 21yo ds. So it couldn’t possibly be a careless omission; the Save the Date card is an early alert that ds16 will not be invited. 

[cbollin]

43 minutes ago, sassenach said:

I'd be seriously tempted to call them and say, "Hey, not sure if this was intentional or a mistake, but did you mean to leave ds off the the invitation? It seemed odd to me with him not really being a child anymore and I thought maybe you just forgot that he's 16 now."

 

I know my husband's brother did that with asking their half sister if 17 y.o nephew was left out by mistake.  (and I did same about my children) Oh, we all found out it was intentional.  Before making that call, be sure to ask ones self "am I ready to be told it was intentional and no is the final answer"?

the nephew did feel left out, but ultimately didn't care.  "cool. mom and dad are out of the house... game night for me!"

 

Edited February 7, 2021 by cbollin

[cbollin]

6 minutes ago, Quill said:

 

I simply cannot not attend. It would be a huge stink and my dd’s wedding is one month apart from niece’s. I would like to be able to tell my niece I think this is the wrong thing to do, but it wouldn’t change anything and is not worth the flare-up. And it is true that my ds will not really care; it’s my issue entirely. 

 

I get that. No one else cared in my situation. It was my issue. It still felt like slap in the face when ultimately it didn't matter.  My husband simply could not be absent from his half-siblings' weddings, and I was glad to stay home in another state with the un-invited. No one missed me and I didn't miss them. The sting from the slap wore off quickly. life went on.

and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  I think I got over it by reminding myself it was just an event. just a party. no different than if I hadn't been invited to a birthday party.  That might not work for you. But it did for me. Ultimately it was just a fancy dress up party. 

put it in perspective? my brother got married in the house of justice of peace. We live about 800 miles apart and he said "don't come in for this. It's a 5 minute ceremony followed by a slice of cake".  They called us and had phone on in background and sent photos. LOL.  My parents went.  My sister in law's parents were too far away to attend and they listened from another phone. LOL.  no one was really invited except my mom and dad.  of course my brother was in his 40s....

hugs and happy feelings to you.

[hjffkj]

I'm sorry that seems pretty inconsiderate.

[Guest]

13 minutes ago, cbollin said:

I get that. No one else cared in my situation. It was my issue. It still felt like slap in the face when ultimately it didn't matter.  My husband simply could not be absent from his half-siblings' weddings, and I was glad to stay home in another state with the un-invited. No one missed me and I didn't miss them. The sting from the slap wore off quickly. life went on.

and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  I think I got over it by reminding myself it was just an event. just a party. no different than if I hadn't been invited to a birthday party.  That might not work for you. But it did for me. Ultimately it was just a fancy dress up party. 

put it in perspective? my brother got married in the house of justice of peace. We live about 800 miles apart and he said "don't come in for this. It's a 5 minute ceremony followed by a slice of cake".  They called us and had phone on in background and sent photos. LOL.  My parents went.  My sister in law's parents were too far away to attend and they listened from another phone. LOL.  no one was really invited except my mom and dad.  of course my brother was in his 40s....

hugs and happy feelings to you.

Yes, I will get over it, I just need to be mad about it for a while. I think I am getting over it by telling myself this will be the last one for that set of nieces and nephews and I won’t have this issue going forward. And I guess ds could talk to his other under-18 cousins and they can all be like, “yeah, too bad we weren’t there.” Maybe they can all online-game each other on that day, lol. 

[marbel]

I agree with you Quill, but I come from a family culture that never excluded kids from family celebrations. I had been to many weddings and other "grownup" parties as a kid and my kids were included in family weddings.

But I really came to call BS on the notion that all males dislike weddings. I'm sure there are men who do, just as I am quite sure that there are women who do. And Quill of course you and your daughter know your son and whether or not he would be hurt by being excluded. But there are plenty of men in my life who enjoy weddings. My own son was hurt at not being invited to the wedding of a couple in our church. (Though even that turned out to be an error because the bride assumed I would understand that an invitation with only my husband's and my names on it would include my two children.) My kid has been going to wedding since he was 5 years old (he was ring-bearer for a much older cousin) and still talks about how much fun some of the weddings he has attended were, and how his own wedding might look some day.  He is certainly not unique in this regard. My husband likes weddings more than I do. And I know many others like that as well; in my circles it is not the unusual boy/man who enjoys a wedding.

It really bothers me when people talk as if men have no place in a wedding, including the groom. I believe that is old thinking and I would love it to die away completely. 

Edited February 7, 2021 by marbel

[Carrie12345]

I do AWY.  No kids is fine. No cousins or second cousins or third cousins twice removed is fine, too. But splitting up non-little kid siblings is WEIRD.  Says a mom of 10, 13, 17, 18, and 22yos. We never expect a family invite, but please don’t just pick a few. (And it hasn’t happened.)

 

[kristin0713]

1 hour ago, Katy said:

Either invite the cousins or don’t. Inviting half is mean.

Yeah, it's so inconsiderate to do this to your family. In this situation I would just attend with DH and not bring the older two kids.  Is this your sibling's child getting married? 

[MercyA]

I'm sorry, Quill!

I don't know how old the bride and groom are, but I know when I was married at 22 I was very...rigid in my planning. I invited kids--that wasn't an issue--but if I had it to do over, I  would do almost everything differently!! (Except the man. He's a keeper. 😉 )

I think sometimes as people grow older they become more considerate of others and more flexible in their thinking.

I think part of the problem is that weddings have become such expensive events. Receptions used to be cake, punch, mints, and nuts in the church basement, YKWIM? So as long as everyone could squish into the space, costs weren't going to increase terribly with more people. 

[Bootsie]

I did not come from a culture that excluded children from weddings.    

If someone were having an adult-only event, I think etiquette would call for adults to receive their own invitations--Mr. and Mrs. Smith get an invitation and Mr. Child Smith who is 19 gets his own invitation.  At that point, each adult is being invited as an adult, not as part of the Smith family. 

[Annie G]

I’ll agree with you- it seems thoughtless. A 16 year old might not have a burning desire to attend his cousin’s wedding, but not being invited stings. As if he’s not as important as his older siblings.   I understand decisions have to be made to limit guests and all, but splitting families feels rude. 

[Scarlett]

30 minutes ago, marbel said:

I agree with you Quill, but I come from a family culture that never excluded kids from family celebrations. I had been to many weddings and other "grownup" parties as a kid and my kids were included in family weddings.

But I really came to call BS on the notion that all males dislike weddings. I'm sure there are men who don't, just as I am quite sure that there are women who don't. And Quill of course you and your daughter know your son and whether or not he would be hurt by being excluded. But there are plenty of men in my life who enjoy weddings. My own son was hurt at not being invited to the wedding of a couple in our church. (Though even that turned out to be an error because the bride assumed I would understand that an invitation with only my husband's and my names on it would include my two children.) My kid has been going to wedding since he was 5 years old (he was ring-bearer for a much older cousin) and still talks about how much fun some of the weddings he has attended were, and how his own wedding might look some day.  He is certainly not unique in this regard. My husband likes weddings more than I do. And I know many others like that as well.

It really bothers me when people talk as if men have no place in a wedding, including the groom. I believe that is old thinking and I would love it to die away completely. 

Same thing with little boys playing with baby dolls.  

[SKL]

It's unfortunate, but they do have to draw the line somewhere.

When I was 16, this happened with a cousin's wedding.  My older brothers "and guests" were invited.  My mom decided I would be my single brother's "guest."  😛

Funny thing was, because it was an all-adult wedding, they had this thing where the guy who caught the garter was to put it up the leg of the girl who caught the bouquet.  Well guess who caught the bouquet?  Yep, 16yo me.  Oops.  I was definitely not prepared for that ritual.  People got a laugh out of how I said "that's enough" earlier than expected, LOL.  I'm not sure whether or not the bride / wedding planners had an opinion about me coming to the wedding.

Your 16yo will have other opportunities to go to weddings.  I would try to just let it go.

[Bootsie]

37 minutes ago, MercyA said:

I'm sorry, Quill!

I don't know how old the bride and groom are, but I know when I was married at 22 I was very...rigid in my planning. I invited kids--that wasn't an issue--but if I had it to do over, I  would do almost everything differently!! (Except the man. He's a keeper. 😉 )

I think sometimes as people grow older they become more considerate of others and more flexible in their thinking.

I think part of the problem is that weddings have become such expensive events. Receptions used to be cake, punch, mints, and nuts in the church basement, YKWIM? So as long as everyone could squish into the space, costs weren't going to increase terribly with more people. 

The first of DDs friends got married Dec 2019--pre-COVID.  Over 500 people were invited.  DD was a bridesmaid.  The couple wanted to have a large wedding and control expenses, which in my mind would dictate cake and punch--but they had a large reception which was, in many ways an audience watching the wedding party.  Beer, wine, and champagne were served to the wedding party. Water was not even provided to "ordinary" guests; they were expected to buy bottled water.  The food served was different depending on what type of guest you were---there was wedding cake for the bridesmaids, groomsmen, etc., but the "ordinary" guests were served donuts.  (The entire experience has convinced DD she will not have more than 30 people-if even that-if she ever gets married.)

[RootAnn]

My aunts & uncles on one side of the family did a lot of adult-only events for 50 wedding celebrations & the like. I think it was partly alcohol related & partly their outlook on children being annoying. My answer was always to send our regrets because either we all go or no one goes. (If it would have been DH's side, he would have gone because he doesn't rock the boat. But his side is all about the kids so it wouldn't have happened.)

I'm sorry they are dividing the family for what should be a family occasion. I can't imagine not inviting kids to a wedding.

I will say that my own kids have gone to very few weddings. Lots & lots of funerals, unfortunately, but not many weddings (other than my older two as babies or toddlers). DH & I are younger siblings & our friends had mostly gotten married right before or after we did. It might be a shock when their friends start to get married.

[rebcoola]

I agree with you.  I thinks it odd to draw a line like that.  None of my older cousins came to my wedding we lived quite far away from most of the family.  My uncles came without wives kids and we're quite entertaining.  We split the difference for the little people. They came to the wedding and than had sleepover at my parents house with a sitter.  My mom talked this over with the various parents and it worked for everyone.

[SKL]

I would also extend lots of extra grace during Covid times.  They literally can't invite everyone they would like to.  It is hard to be the person who has no choice but to hurt feelings.  Please explain that to your son so he understands.  It's not against him.

[Kassia]

5 minutes ago, RootAnn said:

 

I will say that my own kids have gone to very few weddings. Lots & lots of funerals, unfortunately, but not many weddings (other than my older two as babies or toddlers). DH & I are younger siblings & our friends had mostly gotten married right before or after we did. It might be a shock when their friends start to get married.

My adult kids had only attended one wedding ceremony when they were very young (and no reception) until they were out of college and their friends all started getting married.  They were so excited to actually go to their first weddings!  Dd (18) has never been to a wedding.  Like your kids, lots of funerals, but no weddings.  

 

[4atHome]

1 hour ago, marbel said:

But I really came to call BS on the notion that all males dislike weddings. I'm sure there are men who don't, just as I am quite sure that there are women who don't.

I don't like weddings.  I mean, if I'm particularly close to someone, of course, I want to be there.  But for the most part, find them long, and boring and expensive to attend.  And anything obligatory annoys me.

[SKL]

1 minute ago, Kassia said:

My adult kids had only attended one wedding ceremony when they were very young (and no reception) until they were out of college and their friends all started getting married.  They were so excited to actually go to their first weddings!  Dd (18) has never been to a wedding.  Like your kids, lots of funerals, but no weddings.  

 

My kids are 14, and we haven't received one wedding invitation since they were born.  Not because people hate us, but because no close people have gotten married in over 14 years!  For real.

They've been to 2 funerals though.  😞

[Guest]

1 hour ago, kristin0713 said:

Yeah, it's so inconsiderate to do this to your family. In this situation I would just attend with DH and not bring the older two kids.  Is this your sibling's child getting married? 

It is my husband’s brother’s child. 

I did omit my older kids in the past but it was easy to do because they were at college or away. Now I cannot omit the oldest because she lives independently and obviously I cannot make her not attend. 

[Carol in Cal.]

That is weird, to split a family like that.

I did it by generations and how well I knew people but never would have split it like that.  Sorry you’re dealing with this.  It would bug me too.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, MercyA said:

I'm sorry, Quill!

I don't know how old the bride and groom are, but I know when I was married at 22 I was very...rigid in my planning. I invited kids--that wasn't an issue--but if I had it to do over, I  would do almost everything differently!! (Except the man. He's a keeper. 😉 )

I think sometimes as people grow older they become more considerate of others and more flexible in their thinking.

I think part of the problem is that weddings have become such expensive events. Receptions used to be cake, punch, mints, and nuts in the church basement, YKWIM? So as long as everyone could squish into the space, costs weren't going to increase terribly with more people. 

Yeah I do think bougie wedding expectations are partly to blame because every extra “head” costs so much. 

In *this* instance, it is not because the couple is young and clueless, though that can definitely happen. There were things I did wrong with my wedding because I was young and had zero guidance.  That is not the issue in this case, though. I find the bride’s mother to be a self-centered person and can easily imagine her just throwing down that age line, shrugging and saying, “Well, that’s the age. Deal with it.” It was the precedent set when her first child got married and now they have all repeated the same cutoff. 

[Guest]

27 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

The first of DDs friends got married Dec 2019--pre-COVID.  Over 500 people were invited.  DD was a bridesmaid.  The couple wanted to have a large wedding and control expenses, which in my mind would dictate cake and punch--but they had a large reception which was, in many ways an audience watching the wedding party.  Beer, wine, and champagne were served to the wedding party. Water was not even provided to "ordinary" guests; they were expected to buy bottled water.  The food served was different depending on what type of guest you were---there was wedding cake for the bridesmaids, groomsmen, etc., but the "ordinary" guests were served donuts.  (The entire experience has convinced DD she will not have more than 30 people-if even that-if she ever gets married.)

Oh my! That’s ghastly! 

[Guest]

21 minutes ago, SKL said:

I would also extend lots of extra grace during Covid times.  They literally can't invite everyone they would like to.  It is hard to be the person who has no choice but to hurt feelings.  Please explain that to your son so he understands.  It's not against him.

I agree that it’s good to explain to ds that its not against him, but I don’t think COVID has anything to do with the choice. Niece is carrying out the same program her older sibs did. It is this part that makes me want to explain to the bride that this is not kosher. 

[SKL]

1 minute ago, Quill said:

I agree that it’s good to explain to ds that its not against him, but I don’t think COVID has anything to do with the choice. Niece is carrying out the same program her older sibs did. It is this part that makes me want to explain to the bride that this is not kosher. 

But if her older sibs did this, then it's understandable that she would do it too.  It certainly is not personal against your son.

When I attended that adult wedding at 16, I was the 3rd of 6 kids, with the younger ones being 14, 7, and 3.  I think it's reasonable to draw a line, and being arbitrary is better than being personal about it IMO.  It's also reasonable to invite everyone (forgetting Covid for the moment), but not all families do that, and I think that's OK.

[gardenmom5]

3 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Since you said its not a full on JAWM, wedding expectations are a destructive force and completely voluntary. Don't volunteer for that.

Don't make it personal-it's not. The couple just had to make an across the board decision and they did-legal adults only. That's very common.  It's a reasonable thing to do and making exceptions for your son or anyone else under 18 would be a terrible idea on their part-nothing inflames resentment more than making exceptions for a privileged few, or one other person, while making everyone else abide by the rule.  The bride wasn't being mean-spirited thinking, "Hhhhmmm, I want Quill's older kids there, but not that younger kid-this is my big opportunity to stick it to him!" She's thinking about the under 18 crowd as a whole, the under 13 crowd as a whole, the under 8(ish) crowd as a whole, then looking at the budget, venue seating limitations, and making the call as a whole.  

 

This.   It's a hard line - and if they make one exception, they'll be hassled by others for not making other exceptions, and it's a slippery slope.

I come from a culture where all ages are at weddings and funerals.  But I've also been to adult only weddings.

I know plenty of men who like weddings.   Male teens?   not so many.

If you don't want to exclude your son - then don't go.  As you said, your daughter's wedding is in a month and you're busy with that.

3 hours ago, medawyn said:

We had a child-free wedding, and I can't imagine having quite so arbitrary an "age line".  We invited a few of my cousins in the 13-16 range because they all had older siblings.  

so by child-free you mean no one under 13.

[Carol in Cal.]

55 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

The first of DDs friends got married Dec 2019--pre-COVID.  Over 500 people were invited.  DD was a bridesmaid.  The couple wanted to have a large wedding and control expenses, which in my mind would dictate cake and punch--but they had a large reception which was, in many ways an audience watching the wedding party.  Beer, wine, and champagne were served to the wedding party. Water was not even provided to "ordinary" guests; they were expected to buy bottled water.  The food served was different depending on what type of guest you were---there was wedding cake for the bridesmaids, groomsmen, etc., but the "ordinary" guests were served donuts.  (The entire experience has convinced DD she will not have more than 30 people-if even that-if she ever gets married.)

This is absolutely gross.

Having said that, some people have two consecutive receptions, and that can be reasonable.  Like, cake and punch for everyone, and then the invited fewer head over to a more complete, traditional reception afterwards.  

[Guest]

9 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

This.   It's a hard line - and if they make one exception, they'll be hassled by others for not making other exceptions, and it's a slippery slope.

IMO, it is not a slippery slope. There is no reason, for example, why you have to invite your second-cousin’s 2 yo twins because you invited your16yo first cousin. Also, who hassles the family to make exceptions? I’m not even hassling this bride and I do think they should have made the exception. 

[Carol in Cal.]

The weirdest adults only wedding reception I ever attended was that of DD’s best friend’s older half sister.

We were not terribly close with the parents, but were invited because we were somewhat friends of theirs.  We barely knew the bride and groom, who had had a destination wedding previously in another country, so this was not even ‘the wedding’.  DD was not included.  Her BF was in the wedding party and had literally no one to talk with during the entire (lengthy) reception.  We thought it would have been better to invite DD for her sake and honestly we thought it was weird that we were included at all.  We had a nice time, but it was all so strange.

Whereas I obsessed over the list, and forget to include a coworker that I badly wanted to come, and he refused to either come or accept my abject and true apology.  AND, my mother pushed me really hard to include a very distant grown cousin that I hardly knew, ‘because she is your cousin’, but felt that including her grown brother was unnecessary.  When I pointed out that it really should be both of them or neither of them, she got very nasty about it.  The bottom line was just that she liked the one and not the other, and ‘because she is your cousin’ had nothing to do with it.  I ended up inviting both of them.  Neither one came, and given that I didn’t really know them at all, I’m sure they both thought I was a jerk angling for extra wedding gifts.

We had a GREAT wedding, but sometimes you just can’t win.

[Bootsie]

16 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

This is absolutely gross.

Having said that, some people have two consecutive receptions, and that can be reasonable.  Like, cake and punch for everyone, and then the invited fewer head over to a more complete, traditional reception afterwards.  

See, this is so regionally and culturally based.  Where I am from, the "traditional" reception would be the first one and it would be "complete" because EVERYONE was included.  

But, yes, it makes much more sense to have two events with anyone invited to a specific event fully included in that event.

[teachermom2834]

I remember vaguely being at some wedding that was “adults only” and there were a couple kids. Maybe a niece and nephew or someone very close to the bride. Like the matron of honor’s children, maybe. I remember my mom saying I thought it was “no kids” and rolling her eyes whispering to another woman. But you know, it was just one of those things. If the day is the bride’s day and she can invite whoever she wants that includes some children and not others. Feelings are hurt regardless and really anyone with common sense should be able to see that the children of the maid of honor is different than children of a more distant friend or acquaintance. The 16 yo first cousin is different than the four year old child of a co-worker or whatever. People just need to have some common sense and extend some grace. I’m with you, @Quill