DH question--marriage related

[momtoboys]

This is for those of you who said you have a marriage where your DH is your best friend. I always thought we had a good marriage, but it is not like that (best friends). How do you/did you get there?

 

Here are the good things. . DH and I share the same faith (Christian) and values, we enjoy spending time w/ the kids, we have good "marital relations", we don't fight a lot or anything like that. DH is a wonderful, loving father. Our kids love him.

 

Here are the problems. . .or maybe my imagined problems. .LOL

 

1. DH is negative. His outlook on life is negative. He never seems totally happy. Even when he comes home from work, some days he just complains about everything. It's kind of depressing.

 

2. DH has higher standards than I do. For example, I let the kids get away w/ murder (I will admit it). . .Well, not exactly, but other than really major things like disobedience or lying, I have kind of low standards set, I guess. So, he is like, "why are you letting them jump on the couch?" and I feel like, who cares about the couch. This follows through in all areas of life. I do try to please him, but I feel like I can never totally make him happy.

 

3. DH has a temper--note, it is not in any way *near* abusive or anything like that. He just gets mad about little stuff, and raises his voice or yells occasionally. Maybe this is just a big deal to me because I don't do this nearly as much as he does. I just don't understand why little things set him off as much as they do.

 

4. I am a Christian. I really feel DH needs a few Christian friends, but he is *so* busy w/ work and school right now, that he needs to spend extra time w/ our family. So, he doesn't have a lot of time for spending w/ friends or ministries at church. But I wish he were more involved--he used to be when we were first married.

 

So, our marriage is good. But it's not great. I know I keep things from him. I'm sure he keeps things from me. I wish our marriage was a "best friend" type. But maybe it never will be.

 

Now on the other hand, I should be counting my blessings. We don't fight a lot, we love each other, he's not abusive, he loves our kids, he's a Christian.

 

Anyway, these are just random thoughts.

[bumbledeb]

Is it possible your dh could be suffering from mild or moderate depression?

 

The negativity, dissatisfaction with your 'standards', lack of friends, long working hours and tendency toward short-temperedness are some possible symptoms.

[Carrie12345]

I'm not sure how we got here.

 

Dh and I married after knowing each other for 8 months. We were on opposite ends of the spectrum in many departments. Money, habits, family ties, partnership expectations, child rearing...

 

I guess we learned to see each others' view points and everything started to meld.

 

He's 100% my BFF. :D

[MrsMe]

This is for those of you who said you have a marriage where your DH is your best friend. I always thought we had a good marriage, but it is not like that (best friends). How do you/did you get there?

Here are the good things. . DH and I share the same faith (Christian) and values, we enjoy spending time w/ the kids, we have good "marital relations", we don't fight a lot or anything like that. DH is a wonderful, loving father. Our kids love him.

Here are the problems. . .or maybe my imagined problems. .LOL

1. DH is negative. His outlook on life is negative. He never seems totally happy. Even when he comes home from work, some days he just complains about everything. It's kind of depressing.

2. DH has higher standards than I do. For example, I let the kids get away w/ murder (I will admit it). . .Well, not exactly, but other than really major things like disobedience or lying, I have kind of low standards set, I guess. So, he is like, "why are you letting them jump on the couch?" and I feel like, who cares about the couch. This follows through in all areas of life. I do try to please him, but I feel like I can never totally make him happy.

3. DH has a temper--note, it is not in any way *near* abusive or anything like that. He just gets mad about little stuff, and raises his voice or yells occasionally. Maybe this is just a big deal to me because I don't do this nearly as much as he does. I just don't understand why little things set him off as much as they do.

4. I am a Christian. I really feel DH needs a few Christian friends, but he is *so* busy w/ work and school right now, that he needs to spend extra time w/ our family. So, he doesn't have a lot of time for spending w/ friends or ministries at church. But I wish he were more involved--he used to be when we were first married.

So, our marriage is good. But it's not great. I know I keep things from him. I'm sure he keeps things from me. I wish our marriage was a "best friend" type. But maybe it never will be.

Now on the other hand, I should be counting my blessings. We don't fight a lot, we love each other, he's not abusive, he loves our kids, he's a Christian.

Anyway, these are just random thoughts.

 

It sounds as though he could be depressed or just plain tired and he's not getting anything that HE needs.

 

Let me hit on a few areas that you numbered. About the couch. This may be a personal opinion but what I read from this is that he doesn't like it and so it should not be done. First IMHO, it's just wrong. Couches are for sitting. Second, how do you explain you can jump on them at home but not when you're out visiting? It's a right & wrong thing. Jumping on the couch is wrong. It's a lack of respect on your part and on the kids part for the things he worked hard to buy. So it's not about the "couch", but about not listening to him on how he feels about it and the lack of respect that the kids show for the things you own. I don't care if it's from a thrift store either. Third, you should be a team in child rearing. He doesn't like it, then don't have the kids do it. Same with anything else he doesn't like. As moms, we pick our battles, but Dads don't. They see things in black and white. They think with their heads, we think with our hearts, hence picking battles. So on a child rearing note, be on the same page even if you don't think it's a big deal. It is to him. What makes a man happy is for his wife to back him up. Know that this bothers him and don't make waves about it. So try this for a month and see what you get:

 

If he's crabby, agree with what he's crabby about. Tell him he has that right, because Mr. X was a butt. Guys more than anything want their wife's approval. Tell him how great he is, what a hard worker, etc. Find something daily!

 

Second. If your dh doesn't like it, the kids shouldn't do it and back him up. Put your husband first. Dad says no! You respect him enough that he doesn't like and the kids shouldn't do it. You can talk to him privately later if you wish.

 

Little things bother people when they're tired or unhappy. Do you give him a special time daily? Does he feel appreciated? Is he looking for support. The biggest things DH's need is sex and support and the fact that no matter what, you'll back him up and you make time for him and you build him up.

 

Are you happy when he comes home? Are you waiting for him?

 

It sounds like he feels extremely unappreciated.

 

Trust me, it'll make your marriage stronger.

[Ria]

One thing you mentioned...he's in school? That is so incredibly stressful for a man with a family...please don't underestimate the pressure he's under (even if it's self-imposed). My dh went back to school after we got married, and it took him 7 years to get his masters degree. Those seven years saw the births of four children! Combine school with work and normal family stuff and you've got one stressed man.

 

My advice would be to pay attention to the things that really seem to stress your dh. If the kids not respecting the furniture, etc., is a stress, then teach them to behave differently. Right now you and your home are his sanctuary. He deserves to be respected. It might seem silly to you, but this man is working and going to school. It won't take a whole lot to make his life a little bit easier.

 

I used to get angry at my dh because he wasn't here (he was at work or school). When he was home, he was tired. Tiredness can lead to short tempers. I was less than understanding...I expected dh to live up to my expectations. When I finally stopped and put myself in his shoes I was ashamed. He worked so hard...let's just say that my expectations were unreasonable.

 

Your circumstances may be different, and if so, I apologize if I sound preachy.

 

Ria

[happyWImom]

My dh has a similar temperament, and I don't think he's depressed. He wasn't this way when we were dating (but who ever stays the way they were when they were dating?;)). It's not that he's always crabby, but, for the most part, he doesn't seem super happy or engaged. He's that way when he has to be (work, etc..) but with us, he seems annoyed. A lot. He works out of the home, so we're together a lot, but still.

 

I know what you are saying. I am reading the book "Love & Respect", and we are going to do "The Love Dare" from the movie "Fireproof".

 

I don't know if it can be changed, but I want/need it to. I guess some marriages are more work than others depending on where we are all at in life, and what our temperaments are.:sad:

[joannqn]

Let me hit on a few areas that you numbered. About the couch. This may be a personal opinion but what I read from this is that he doesn't like it and so it should not be done. First IMHO, it's just wrong. Couches are for sitting. Second, how do you explain you can jump on them at home but not when you're out visiting? It's a right & wrong thing. Jumping on the couch is wrong. It's a lack of respect on your part and on the kids part for the things he worked hard to buy. So it's not about the "couch", but about not listening to him on how he feels about it and the lack of respect that the kids show for the things you own. I don't care if it's from a thrift store either. Third, you should be a team in child rearing. He doesn't like it, then don't have the kids do it. Same with anything else he doesn't like. As moms, we pick our battles, but Dads don't. They see things in black and white. They think with their heads, we think with our hearts, hence picking battles. So on a child rearing note, be on the same page even if you don't think it's a big deal. It is to him. What makes a man happy is for his wife to back him up. Know that this bothers him and don't make waves about it. So try this for a month and see what you get:

 

If he's crabby, agree with what he's crabby about. Tell him he has that right, because Mr. X was a butt. Guys more than anything want their wife's approval. Tell him how great he is, what a hard worker, etc. Find something daily!

 

Second. If your dh doesn't like it, the kids shouldn't do it and back him up. Put your husband first. Dad says no! You respect him enough that he doesn't like and the kids shouldn't do it. You can talk to him privately later if you wish.

 

Little things bother people when they're tired or unhappy. Do you give him a special time daily? Does he feel appreciated? Is he looking for support. The biggest things DH's need is sex and support and the fact that no matter what, you'll back him up and you make time for him and you build him up.

 

Are you happy when he comes home? Are you waiting for him?

 

It sounds like he feels extremely unappreciated.

 

Trust me, it'll make your marriage stronger.

 

:iagree:

 

Men really need respect from their wives even more so than love. Check out Love and Respect. It really opened my eyes and improved my marriage instantly when I followed what it said about respect.

[Rosie_0801]

If it helps, I'm quite negative and tetchy, and that's when I'm not pregnant! Dh still considers me his best friend though, despite all of that.

 

Some people are just negative types of people, but that doesn't mean they expect anyone else to take it on board. Just agree that whatever the problem was is lousy, and he'll probably feel better. Validation, and all that. Negative people will only get more cross if you try and talk them out of their feelings. If you hubby asks why you are allowing X, Y or Z, don't automatically take that as a criticism of you and your standards. It might be a genuine question. Respond with "I don't care if they do that. Why? Do you?" He might decide he doesn't care either, or he might decide he does. If he does, well, no more jumping on the couch. Though you might want to consider buying a trampoline. :) Kids seem quite able to deal with the rules for home and the rules for other people's houses, but Mum and Dad both have to agree on the "at home" rules.

 

Don't think that "best friend" marriages aren't work! It takes a heck of a lot of work to stay best friends with someone when you really want to throw things at their head. I mean, how hard is it to close the curtains when you turn the light on at night? ARGH!!! And just think how hard it is for the poor fellas to stay friends with us when we are pregnant and behaving like harpies!

 

:)

Rosie

[Jean in Newcastle]

My dh and I are best friends but we don't always agree, he doesn't always "get" me (that's why I have best girl friends too), and sometimes we have different standards. But he's my best friend because I can be as honest as I can be with any human being. And I know that even when he's ticked off at me, he still loves me. There are some things that he doesn't understand about me because he's a guy. But the big stuff - how I think deep down on the big issues of life, he gets in a way that no one else does. We had a pretty tough engagement (2 years) and a pretty tough first couple of years of marriage. What made the difference for us was learning to laugh. I laugh at myself now - my foibles, my insecurities etc. And he laughs too. We do talk seriously about stuff. But often the little stuff that irritates me - I let him know he's on thin ice with a joke. And he does the same back. Sometimes we'll joke about stuff after the fact - it hurt too much or we took it way to seriously in the heat of the moment so a joke at that time would have hurt and not helped. But later, it's funny!

Edited November 27, 2008 by Jean in Newcastle
typo

[Lovedtodeath]

If it helps, I'm quite negative and tetchy, and that's when I'm not pregnant! Dh still considers me his best friend though, despite all of that.

 

Some people are just negative types of people, but that doesn't mean they expect anyone else to take it on board. Just agree that whatever the problem was is lousy, and he'll probably feel better. Validation, and all that. Negative people will only get more cross if you try and talk them out of their feelings. If you hubby asks why you are allowing X, Y or Z, don't automatically take that as a criticism of you and your standards. It might be a genuine question. Respond with "I don't care if they do that. Why? Do you?" He might decide he doesn't care either, or he might decide he does. If he does, well, no more jumping on the couch. Though you might want to consider buying a trampoline. :) Kids seem quite able to deal with the rules for home and the rules for other people's houses, but Mum and Dad both have to agree on the "at home" rules.

 

Don't think that "best friend" marriages aren't work! It takes a heck of a lot of work to stay best friends with someone when you really want to throw things at their head. I mean, how hard is it to close the curtains when you turn the light on at night? ARGH!!! And just think how hard it is for the poor fellas to stay friends with us when we are pregnant and behaving like harpies!

 

:)

Rosie

:iagree:Rosie, it is his fault you are pregnant, so any symptoms and changes thereof are also his fault. :tongue_smilie:

[Alenee]

My dh and I are best friends but we don't always agree, he doesn't always "get" me (that's why I have best girl friends too), and sometimes we have different standards. But he's my best friend because I can be as honest as I can be with any human being. And I know that even when he's ticked off at me, he still loves me. There are some things that he doesn't understand about me because he's a guy. But the big stuff - how I think deep down on the big issues of life, he gets in a way that no one else does. We had a pretty tough engagement (2 years) and a pretty tough first couple of years of marriage. What made the difference for us was learning to laugh. I laugh at myself now - my foibles, my insecurities etc. And he laughs too. We do talk seriously about stuff. But often the little stuff that irritates me - I let him know he's on this ice with a joke. And he does the same back. Sometimes we'll joke about stuff after the fact - it hurt too much or we took it way to seriously in the heat of the moment so a joke at that time would have hurt and not helped. But later, it's funny!

 

I could've written this. I have a few friends with trying marriages and one thing we realized is that he and I don't have the type of high expectations for each other as we've seen others have. Through a lot of prayer, we truly became one in thought, word, and deed. You said you're a Christian so I offer up that you should consider praying about it. Ask God what you can do to help solidify the friendship between you and your dh. Play together too! Dh and I have tickle fights all the time. Granted, my back gets wrenched out of whack every time but our kids have a blast watching us wrestle around and laugh our tails off. We have a lot of fun just 'playing' together. :lol: How long has it been since you went out on a date? That was a huge benefit to our marriage as well. We try to get out at least twice a month.

[Peela]

 

1. DH is negative. His outlook on life is negative. He never seems totally happy. Even when he comes home from work, some days he just complains about everything. It's kind of depressing.

 

That is something you should be able to talk about- my dh has been through phases of that and I kept bringing it to his attention and it changed. However, if there are things he is negative about that you can change- like the house being messy or whatever- there is usually a process of negotiation and compromise.

 

 

2. DH has higher standards than I do. For example, I let the kids get away w/ murder (I will admit it). . .Well, not exactly, but other than really major things like disobedience or lying, I have kind of low standards set, I guess. So, he is like, "why are you letting them jump on the couch?" and I feel like, who cares about the couch. This follows through in all areas of life. I do try to please him, but I feel like I can never totally make him happy.

 

As someone married to someone with higher standards in many areas- I understand how you feel- yet its his home too, he probably paid for the furniture, and if your standards always win, he is just not going to feel respected or appreciated in his own home.

 

3. DH has a temper--note, it is not in any way *near* abusive or anything like that. He just gets mad about little stuff, and raises his voice or yells occasionally. Maybe this is just a big deal to me because I don't do this nearly as much as he does. I just don't understand why little things set him off as much as they do.

 

I think its a personality type. My dh is like that too- and like you, I am like that "less" than him. I have been pretty tough on him about it when it gets disrespectful, but overall I have also learned to live with it adn taught the kids to not take it personally. It isnt personal. I think it can reflect deeper issues as well- in him, in his feeling respected by the whole family, and by you. Not that you can't work with it, get him to change a little, soften, but overall, it helps me to not take it personally.

 

4. I am a Christian. I really feel DH needs a few Christian friends, but he is *so* busy w/ work and school right now, that he needs to spend extra time w/ our family. So, he doesn't have a lot of time for spending w/ friends or ministries at church. But I wish he were more involved--he used to be when we were first married.

 

 

I think thats where you have to be careful not to try and change him- he will find is own way. The best thing I have done for my marriage is move into my own power, walk my own path, speak my truth and learned not to blame dh for my feelings, even if they relate to him- and to try and stay soft and open in all that. I put myself here and its my choice to be here every single day.

By being myself more and more, having my own friends and doing what I need to do to have a fulfilling life- dh has responded with a whole lot more respect and affection- more than for a long time. Its like he sees me fresh. But I had to be prepared to walk alone and follow my own heart and not expect him to change. You can't change people, but you can be an inspiration for them to change.

[Rosie_0801]

:iagree:Rosie, it is his fault you are pregnant, so any symptoms and changes thereof are also his fault. :tongue_smilie:

 

Lol. This is why his complaints are usually limited to changing his Facebook status to "It'll be nice when this pregnancy is over." I couldn't agree more...

 

I agree with the others. A perfect relationship is not what we mean when we say we're married to our best friend. It's more that we have confidence that we're going to make friends again after any arguments, because we know the other still wants to be our best friend. There's been times when dh and I definately weren't friends, but we remembered we wanted to be, and muddled along until we figured out how to again.

 

I suspect we weren't created to live quiet, peaceful lives, lol.

:)

Rosie

[Danestress]

That you can never make him totally happy. You can't, you won't, you shouldn't even try.

 

You can't make him not be negative, because that's partly just his personality. You can't make him not raise his voice because he's in charge of that. If your goal is to make him totally happy, easy, carefree and gentle, good luck!

 

However, there are things you can do. You can recognize that it's his house too, his furniture too, his children too, and enforce the rules he thinks are important. Not jumping on furniture is a pretty standard rule. These is no reason you can't just outlaw it since it's important to him. I know that's just one example, but the overarching rule is that he should feel like you back up his rules whether he is standing there or not. And he should do the same for you.

 

I have a hard time with crabbiness in other people. My father was super crabby. I think a lot of potentially fun things in our family were spoiled by his crabbiness. He really was a great father in many ways, and I adore him and am close to him now, but he's still crabby and I still hate it. So I can understand why this is bothering you. But I will also say that there was NOTHING my mother could do to keep him from being crabby.

 

I think crabbiness is really an emotional thing. He feels angry/touching/annoyed and doesn't have the ability or the desire to compose himself and use the self control to master his emotions. There isn't much you can do about that, though. It's his battle. All you can do is try to meet his legitimate expectations, try to ease the stress of his life, keep him physically happy, and love him for who he is. If you interpret his crabbiness as a reflection on the state of your marriage, you can definitely spiral into conflict and unhappiness. Don't. All his crabbiness really says is that he lacks the self control to not be crabby. He may well consider you his best friend and most beloved and still be irritable - some people just are.

[Sharon in SC]

That is something you should be able to talk about- my dh has been through phases of that and I kept bringing it to his attention and it changed. However, if there are things he is negative about that you can change- like the house being messy or whatever- there is usually a process of negotiation and compromise.

 

 

 

As someone married to someone with higher standards in many areas- I understand how you feel- yet its his home too, he probably paid for the furniture, and if your standards always win, he is just not going to feel respected or appreciated in his own home.

 

 

 

I think its a personality type. My dh is like that too- and like you, I am like that "less" than him. I have been pretty tough on him about it when it gets disrespectful, but overall I have also learned to live with it adn taught the kids to not take it personally. It isnt personal. I think it can reflect deeper issues as well- in him, in his feeling respected by the whole family, and by you. Not that you can't work with it, get him to change a little, soften, but overall, it helps me to not take it personally.

 

 

 

I think thats where you have to be careful not to try and change him- he will find is own way. The best thing I have done for my marriage is move into my own power, walk my own path, speak my truth and learned not to blame dh for my feelings, even if they relate to him- and to try and stay soft and open in all that. I put myself here and its my choice to be here every single day.

By being myself more and more, having my own friends and doing what I need to do to have a fulfilling life- dh has responded with a whole lot more respect and affection- more than for a long time. Its like he sees me fresh. But I had to be prepared to walk alone and follow my own heart and not expect him to change. You can't change people, but you can be an inspiration for them to change.

 

There is a lot of wisdom in this post.

[Riverfront Headmistress]

He sounds like my military dh. :tongue_smilie:

[PariSarah]

. . . on your question: how do you get to be best friends with your spouse?

 

First of all, best friends have problems with each other, and even occasionally fight. So, having problems and occasionally fighting shouldn't really get in the way of being best friends with your spouse.

 

How do you get to be close friends with anybody?? You spend time with them, you share things with them, you do things that are mutually enjoyable, and you start to care as much about their needs as your own. It's really that simple. Judging the other person's lesser qualities kills a person's friendship; knowing about them doesn't.

 

I have a "best friends" kind of marriage, but it's not because dh is exactly who I think he should be. It's because I trust and care for him, and I know he does the same for me. If I have a problem, I can trust him to help me (or just to listen), and I return the favor. We keep confidences. Each of us gives in to the other person's needs and wants regularly. (Honestly, this started with him giving into me A LOT more than the reverse, and I had to learn to return the favor. This is something that is built. It doesn't just appear out of the blue.)

 

We also do fun stuff together--I knit while he watches sports, and I've learned to like (ish) the sports. I know the player roster for the Duke basketball team, and I've figured out what off-sides means in soccer. This would not have been my first choice for things to do together, but I've learned to love it. He's learned to say nice things about my knitting, and to fake having an opinion on, say, what color socks I should knit. We're both foodies, so a lot of what we do together revolves around food.

 

I'm not trying to list all the wonderful qualities of my marriage--I'm trying to give you ideas about the kinds of things one does to build friendships. It takes work--it takes intentional acts of friendship-building. The postive things you listed about your hubbie were mostly "character" things--the kind of person he is. That's a GREAT start, because you can't be best friends with a person you don't respect.

 

But friendship goes beyond appreciation of the other person's character--it requires enjoyable time spent together, small acts of trust and vulnerability ("Hon, I feel really miserable today." "Is there anything I can do?" "Not really. But thanks."), and an emotional commitment to each other's happiness. I don't see ANYTHING in the negatives you've written about your dh that indicate that you can't build those things. It may be you working on it more, at first, than he is, but that's not a problem.

[happyWImom]

That is something you should be able to talk about- my dh has been through phases of that and I kept bringing it to his attention and it changed. However, if there are things he is negative about that you can change- like the house being messy or whatever- there is usually a process of negotiation and compromise.

 

 

 

As someone married to someone with higher standards in many areas- I understand how you feel- yet its his home too, he probably paid for the furniture, and if your standards always win, he is just not going to feel respected or appreciated in his own home.

 

 

 

I think its a personality type. My dh is like that too- and like you, I am like that "less" than him. I have been pretty tough on him about it when it gets disrespectful, but overall I have also learned to live with it adn taught the kids to not take it personally. It isnt personal. I think it can reflect deeper issues as well- in him, in his feeling respected by the whole family, and by you. Not that you can't work with it, get him to change a little, soften, but overall, it helps me to not take it personally.

 

 

 

I think thats where you have to be careful not to try and change him- he will find is own way. The best thing I have done for my marriage is move into my own power, walk my own path, speak my truth and learned not to blame dh for my feelings, even if they relate to him- and to try and stay soft and open in all that. I put myself here and its my choice to be here every single day.

By being myself more and more, having my own friends and doing what I need to do to have a fulfilling life- dh has responded with a whole lot more respect and affection- more than for a long time. Its like he sees me fresh. But I had to be prepared to walk alone and follow my own heart and not expect him to change. You can't change people, but you can be an inspiration for them to change.

 

If he is a crabby/negative person, how do you teach the kids not to be bothered by it or take it personally? That's one of our big issues. And it does spoil things.

[Anne]

I think for starters, showing your dc that *you* aren't taking it personally will help tremendously. Especially since your dc are so young - I bet they often look to you to see how they should react. I know this is extremely difficult, but the more you practice, the more successful you will be!

 

Anne

[Peela]

oops, double post- deleted this one

[Peela]

If he is a crabby/negative person, how do you teach the kids not to be bothered by it or take it personally? That's one of our big issues. And it does spoil things.

 

 

Just learn not to take it so personally yourself. The kids look up to you. It really has been quite a big issue for us from the beginning. I have spoken to the kids in private many times, explaining daddy was tired, grumpy, it wasn't their fault, made some humour out of it, given them a cuddle- as well as backed them up when they stand up to it in their own courage and truth. But if *I* react emotionally, all is lost until I regain my composure and clarity.

Both kids nowadays speak very clearly to their dad and stand up to him when he is *off* (and to me too) and that is one reason I have never liked the idea that both parents should always agree in front of the kids, and also the idea that parent's authority is infallible. I want them to trust their gut feelings and speak them, and for this to be a safe place for them to do so. If a parent is raging around or being ridiculously nitpicky or whatever, they need to be allowed to say what they see and feel- even if they still need to do what they are told.

Not letting my dd in particular lose her voice, her truth to know what she knows, see what she sees, feel what she feels- has been important to me because her father is rather authoritarian and "crushing" at times, although he overall of course means well. As a woman, I see the cost.

Anyway, I think the deal is, heal thyself, learn to let things roll off a little, and the kids will pick that up.

[Rosie_0801]

If he is a crabby/negative person, how do you teach the kids not to be bothered by it or take it personally? That's one of our big issues. And it does spoil things.

 

Mum used to shrug and say Dad was being an Eeyore. Having a name for it helped us view it as a contained problem that had little to do with us, so we didn't have to worry about it.

 

Rosie

[caryn]

I know that some people here recommended The book Love and respect. I have read the book and I like it too. It will be a good start and I would pray that God will show me what to do as I read the book. If you read the book, don't be overwhelmed by it. Just concentrate on one aspect at a time.

 

Caryn

[Doran]

...touches on everything I would have said, only she states it more eloquently than I might have.

 

The only other bit I was inclined to add is that if you *have* a best friend and you *live with* that friend, chances are, you'll start to have some of the same issues with that friend that many have with their spouses. A goal would be to continue to focus on all that you share in common while continuing to work toward compromise on the things you don't. And, always, always keep the lines of communication open between you.

[Sahamamama]

... so we do have that kind of marriage, and it is still a lot of grind and work. But, I admit, there is a joy and satisfaction in it, too. :)

 

Of course, I don't know you and your husband, but from what you wrote, here's what I see needs to come into your marriage:

 

1. Positivity -- Your husband's negativity understandably drags you down. If I were in your shoes, I would clearly talk to him about this. You could say, "Honey, when you talk about all the things that you find negative and wrong with the world, I feel like there is nothing in our lives that you are happy and joyful about. When you point out what you feel is wrong with our lives, I feel defeated -- as though, no matter how hard I try to build a satisfying life together, you are never satisfied with it. I feel like I want to give up." Then, depending on his response, you could follow up with, "Tell me what I can do to help you to be more positive in your outlook and conversation," or "May I pray with you about this?"

 

IMO, this sort of loving "When you do/say X, I feel Y" kind of "confrontation" can help your spouse to see himself more clearly (feedback), can give that aspect of your relationship some accountability, and can lead to increased intimacy (you are becoming vulnerable and creating a safe place for him to be vulnerable -- not attacking, just sharing how his actions, words, and attitudes affect your life in negative and positive ways. BTW, it's important that sometimes you point out the positive impact of his actions, too -- for example, "Honey, when you play with the children outside after work, I feel so proud of your efforts to be a caring father...." or "When you bring me flowers out of the blue, I feel feminine again and cherished by you."

 

All that to say, I would definitely point out a habitual negativity to my spouse, were he so inclined to gripe on a continuous basis. Thank God, my husband is the cheeriest man alive!

 

2 & 3. Home, the Healing Haven -- Some men, though they may not tell you this, really DO feel beaten up by being out in the "cold, cruel world" -- and they want and NEED their home to be a peaceful, quiet, restorative, orderly haven of rest and nurture. They NEED to have a place and a time to get put back together again. I am NOT talking about coddling and babying an immature whiner, but I AM talking about ministering to your husband's deeply felt needs for peace and order. You ask, "Who cares about the couch?" Obviously, your husband does, or he wouldn't want your children to stop jumping on it! Talk to your children throughout the day about the sacrifices and choices their father is making on their behalf -- "Daddy is working and finishing school because he loves his family and wants to be able to provide for our needs. Let's pray and ask the Lord to give Daddy all the strength and encouragement he needs today."

 

I can say this because my husband just finished college this June 2008, and it was a long haul with a family, but a journey we needed to take. We often prayed for David, and talked about making our home a peaceful, restful place for him when he came home. I realize that children accustomed to jumping on furniture (!) might need some training to settle down to order, but you might want to invest in this, for your husband's sake. His nerves are shot, he is overly tired, or he probably wouldn't be popping off over what seems to you to be "nothing."

 

Let me also encourage you to fully embrace and enact the Biblical role of the mother in training for righteousness: Proverbs 1:8 says, "Listen my son, to your father's instruction, do not forsake your mother's teaching." Proverbs 6:20 says, "My son, keep your father's commands and do not forsake your mother's teaching."

 

4. Waiting on God, Waiting on the Seasons -- My husband was also very involved in the church and Christian fellowship prior to our marriage, but with three children, cancer, schooling, a house, etc. in less than 4.5 years (we had twins) -- well, that was all we could fit it, LOL!

 

It has taken us some time to realize that THAT was/is what God had/has for us at this time in our lives. My husband and I married rather late in life (He, 34; Me, 37). We feel so blessed just to have MET each other, let alone to have this great friendship, let alone to have these three amazing little girls! We never really had a lot of time to date, to explore, to do ministry together before the children came... 9 months and 7 days after the wedding, we welcomed Baby Girl #1!

 

Whatever. That timeframe was and is in God's hands, along with the cancer treatment I had in between the pregnancies, the schooling David felt lead to do, and everything else. The important thing is that we love God, love each other, love our girls, are committed to this family.

 

We are in the middle of parenting, working, homemaking, etc... it can take its toll, but we realize this is a season. You and your husband are also in a time of investing in your future as a family, so sometimes the energy to invest in your present as a couple just won't be there. Hate to tell you this, but it's true, I think. There is only so much to go around. I do think it's a good idea to go on dates, though! Hey, that reminds me, we are due for a date.... Hey, HONEY.... :D

 

Well, I gotta go line up my Mom to babysit so hubby and I can have a date!

 

One last thought: You could perhaps tell your husband the truth -- that you WANT to be his best friend, that you WANT him to be yours. Tell him that you DON'T want life's pressing concerns to get in the way of having that kind of marriage. You could tell him what's on your heart. That's truly the best way I know of to cement the heart-to-heart bond in a marriage, but we've only been doing this for less than 5 years, so what do I know? ;) I do hope that some of this rambling will help, and may the Lord bless you and give you the desires of your heart!

[MBH]

I liked what Sahamama had to say. There is a lot of Biblical wisdom in what she said.

 

One thing I would add is this: Commit to Pray for your husband and his needs just as commited your husband is to pursue school and work to provide a better life for you and your children. He works hard to provide for you, you can work hard to pray for him and for your relationship with him.

 

A great marriage is like a Thanksgiving dinner. It looks great, but it takes a lot of work and preparation. I am reminded of I Corinthians 13. We can practice I Corinthians 13 in our home eventhough we don't see much of it in this world.

 

I know how tired I was when I worked full-time and went to college at the same time. We did not even have kids back then.

 

Your husband most likely is not depressed. He is dealing with a dark and ungodly world. When he comes home, he deserves quiet, peace and rest.

[Laura Corin]

I think we just have a lot in common: we are interested in similar things and have a lot to talk about. We also deal with problems in a similar way - we are both analytical. Neither has a particularly bad temper. He tends to treat the children more leniently, but backs me up on the important issues. We have similar attitudes to money: we don't spend money we don't have, and talk through big purchases, whilst not complaining about money that the other decides to spend (because we both tend to be moderate in our spending as a proportion of our income).

 

Laura

[PrairieAir]

Well, I can't tell you how to just make it happen. Dh has been my best friend probably since not long after we started dating. I think a lot of that has to do with my personality. I'm more of an introvert and I never had a large circle of close friends. There have been very few people even among those I would call close friends or "best" friends that I feel I can share everything with.

 

In truth, I don't share everything with dh, though I do share most things with him and I don't hide things. I just have a hard time being completely open about my feelings and private thoughts. It is easier for me to blog about some things than talk about them. There have been a few times that dh has gotten his feelings a little hurt because I blogged about something I'd been thinking about but I hadn't really discussed the same thing in depth with him. There are things I would not talk about, but I need to write about them. The problem arises when MIL reads my blog (dh isn't online often and rarely reads it), misinterprets my thinking out loud to mean I have some sort of problem, and talks to dh about it. Then dh is upset that I didn't let him know about my "problem". Really I just figure a)he pretty much knows everything going on in my head already and b)it's me thinking out loud and not a problem. (I'm not thinking out loud about him in these posts or anything.) It's very frustrating, but I think dh finally understands that this is just how I process things.

 

What does this have to do with you? Well, maybe you and dh process things differently. Maybe you have personalities which do not lend so easily to be each other's best friend. Some women I know seem to need a lot of "girlfriends". This board and my blog buddies are the closest I can come to having a group of girlfriends. In real life I have few women friends and very few close women friends. Several of my very few best friends have been guys.

 

Do you see what I'm saying? I just don't think not having dh as your best buddy means something is "wrong" with you. Maybe it's not the way you and/or he are built. That doesn't mean you can't work on improving your relationship and work on the friendship aspect in particular. I just wouldn't approach it from the angle that something is "wrong" if you don't think of him as your best friend specifically.

 

I'd also like to add that even though I consider dh my best friend, I can't stand to be around him 24/7. I need a break from all people, including him, once in a while. I need time alone. I need time with different people. We don't share all the same interests (though we do share many), and there are some things that he or I like to do that the other absolutely has no interest in. We aren't each other's male/female clone and we aren't joined at the hip.

[happyWImom]

Just learn not to take it so personally yourself. The kids look up to you. It really has been quite a big issue for us from the beginning. I have spoken to the kids in private many times, explaining daddy was tired, grumpy, it wasn't their fault, made some humour out of it, given them a cuddle- as well as backed them up when they stand up to it in their own courage and truth. But if *I* react emotionally, all is lost until I regain my composure and clarity.

Both kids nowadays speak very clearly to their dad and stand up to him when he is *off* (and to me too) and that is one reason I have never liked the idea that both parents should always agree in front of the kids, and also the idea that parent's authority is infallible. I want them to trust their gut feelings and speak them, and for this to be a safe place for them to do so. If a parent is raging around or being ridiculously nitpicky or whatever, they need to be allowed to say what they see and feel- even if they still need to do what they are told.

Not letting my dd in particular lose her voice, her truth to know what she knows, see what she sees, feel what she feels- has been important to me because her father is rather authoritarian and "crushing" at times, although he overall of course means well. As a woman, I see the cost.

Anyway, I think the deal is, heal thyself, learn to let things roll off a little, and the kids will pick that up.

 

I get what you're saying about what to do when dh is crabby w/ the kids, and I will try it. What about when he is that way to me-in front of the kids? Because he's home all of the time, and we are all together so much, the kids are right there when he snaps at me. And the problem is, I think dd is acting that way to me now because of what she observes. Yes, I am making her accountable, but I also feel bad, because we are their examples, and of course they are going to pick up the behavior that they observe.:sad:

[Lovedtodeath]

I get what you're saying about what to do when dh is crabby w/ the kids, and I will try it. What about when he is that way to me-in front of the kids? Because he's home all of the time, and we are all together so much, the kids are right there when he snaps at me. And the problem is, I think dd is acting that way to me now because of what she observes. Yes, I am making her accountable, but I also feel bad, because we are their examples, and of course they are going to pick up the behavior that they observe.:sad:

I would talk to him about this being a problem. I would also verbally and gently reprimand him for the behavior. "Don't talk to me like that" in a matter of fact tone works wonders. I know... I was the crabby one. It worked to help me see the need to change my behavior. Once their is a recognition that there is a need for change, he may need help in order to make the change. I know when my PPD was at its worst I could not change my behavior. He might have some nutritional imbalances, need to take a walk once a day, get sunlight, etc. One thing that helps me is www.tapping.com if I cannot think of something to work on I will say, "even though I am so grumpy", or even though DDs behavior makes me snap, etc.

[Rosie_0801]

I get what you're saying about what to do when dh is crabby w/ the kids, and I will try it. What about when he is that way to me-in front of the kids? Because he's home all of the time, and we are all together so much, the kids are right there when he snaps at me. And the problem is, I think dd is acting that way to me now because of what she observes. Yes, I am making her accountable, but I also feel bad, because we are their examples, and of course they are going to pick up the behavior that they observe.:sad:

 

The best antidote to this, I think, is allowing the kids to see any appologies or "making up."

 

Rosie