How do you feel about your birthday celebration being on a different day?

[Laura Corin]

6 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

So cake with family is what she wants now, but on correct day?

I suppose

[Pen]

11 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

I suppose

 

Maybe ask?  

Could it turn out what she’d really like is possible?  Like maybe (if it were possible) to stay over at your house night before her birthday/your Ds off to uni, with a night before or that morning cake celebration? 

[Laura Corin]

48 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

Maybe ask?  

Could it turn out what she’d really like is possible?  Like maybe (if it were possible) to stay over at your house night before her birthday/your Ds off to uni, with a night before or that morning cake celebration? 

The thing is that my brother can only come to see her (from London, so a long trip) on the weekend of 14/15, not the weekend of her birthday.  Her birthday is on the Sunday, the day that I drive back having left Hobbes at University.

Edited September 6, 2019 by Laura Corin

[Pen]

5 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

The thing is that my brother can only come to see her (from London, so a long trip) on the weekend of 14/15, not the weekend of her birthday.  Her birthday is on the Sunday, the day that I drive back having left Hobbes at University.

 

I see.  Then it’s gotta be 14/15th — or not at all.   Oh well.

 Maybe not at all would be more pleasant.  💆‍♀️

Is there some senior center she could go to on her actual birthday? To be with people, grouse about you, whatever?

Does she understand it has to do with your brother’s  schedule as well as your son’s? 

[Wheres Toto]

I feel like once you become an adult, this happens all the time.    Even as a kid, you may celebrate on the actual day with your family but any party is usually on a weekend before or after the actual date.   I don't know anyone who expects more than a phone call/birthday wish on the actual day and bigger plans done when people are available, off of work/school, etc.

[MeaganS]

Dh works many holidays and birthdays. We've had to learn to be flexible about when we celebrate if we want to celebrate with him. It was a little hard at first, now it's our normal. 

[prairiewindmomma]

She’s operating out of emotions, not logic. Not an uncommon problem but frustrating for sure.

[Acadie]

When dd was 5 she realized we were hosting her birthday party a couple days before her actual birthday. She was very concerned, and explained "My friends are going to think it's INSANE that my party isn't on my actual birthday!" We still repeat this quote in our family because it was so funny. Sharing this story simply to point out that many people learn in childhood that it's not always practical to throw a party on the very day, and that generally, no one cares. It's a party! 

I think the plan you made is lovely, and having your brother come is fabulous. One thing I wonder is if your mom will enjoy the surprise, or if she has some rigidity around things like that and if knowing in advance would be better for her temperament. And possibly that knowing you are both putting effort into the gathering might be something she could appreciate and anticipate. Then again, it sounds like she might play a negative tune regardless of what's actually happening. 

In which case, I'm sorry. That's so hard. It sound like you're very good to your mom and I wish she let you know!

Amy

[Laura Corin]

2 hours ago, Pen said:

 

I see.  Then it’s gotta be 14/15th — or not at all.   Oh well.

 Maybe not at all would be more pleasant.  💆‍♀️

Is there some senior center she could go to on her actual birthday? To be with people, grouse about you, whatever?

Does she understand it has to do with your brother’s  schedule as well as your son’s? 

My brother's arrival is a surprise. She lives in a care home. Lots of people to grouse to.

[Laura Corin]

6 minutes ago, Acadie said:

When dd was 5 she realized we were hosting her birthday party a couple days before her actual birthday. She was very concerned, and explained "My friends are going to think it's INSANE that my party isn't on my actual birthday!" We still repeat this quote in our family because it was so funny. Sharing this story simply to point out that many people learn in childhood that it's not always practical to throw a party on the very day, and that generally, no one cares. It's a party! 

I think the plan you made is lovely, and having your brother come is fabulous. One thing I wonder is if your mom will enjoy the surprise, or if she has some rigidity around things like that and if knowing in advance would be better for her temperament. And possibly that knowing you are both putting effort into the gathering might be something she could appreciate and anticipate. Then again, it sounds like she might play a negative tune regardless of what's actually happening. 

In which case, I'm sorry. That's so hard. It sound like you're very good to your mom and I wish she let you know!

Amy

My brother decided on the surprise element. She doesn't hate surprises.

[SKL]

1 minute ago, Laura Corin said:

My brother's arrival is a surprise. She lives in a care home. Lots of people to grouse to.

I predict that someone in the care home will tell her off for complaining when some of them get a lot less consideration.

[Pen]

2 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

My brother's arrival is a surprise. She lives in a care home. Lots of people to grouse to.

 

Oh good!  She should be fine then.  I hope she likes surprises and maybe she’ll be happy enough with surprise not to be unhappy the next weekend!

[HS Mom in NC]

To be completely honest, I genuinely had no idea this was an issue for anyone.  Kids have birthday parties on weekends because that's what works for adults driving the child guests to the party and that continues on into adulthood because adults have work schedules. That's the norm.  You celebrate when it's most convenient for everyone involved and odds are slim it's on the actual day because it usually a weekday which isn't usually convenient.

[katilac]

 

20 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

She is always on the edge of resentment at the world. She reminds me of the Jane Austen character, 'My sore throats are always worse than anyone's'

😂

15 hours ago, Garga said:

My birthday is close to Christmas.  I got constantly shafted out of presents or parties as a kid because no one had money left over after Christmas for a birthday.  I got a lot of dodgy, shifty-eyed, “Well...this present is for Christmas AND your birthday!”  

No, that's an excuse. For a little kid in particular, you buy two gifts at half the price if things are that tight, they don't know the difference! My birthday is two weeks after Christmas. My parents must have done a great job of celebrating, because I never connected my birthday with Christmas at all. 

15 hours ago, TABmom said:

 We don't do grandkid parties because there are just too many- which is totally fine, but it is not cool to have an adult's party on a kid's actual birthday.  

I would actually think nothing of this. If I wanted my kid's party to be on their actual birthday, I'd plan it that way well ahead of time and let them know. They could plan the other party around mine or not; if not, obviously I can't attend, lol. But the actually birthday doesn't fall on the weekend that often. My kids always got at a few small presents and a cake on their actual birthday, the party or celebration was rarely on that date - maybe never. If it's hard to do cake on the actual day because you have to travel or something, maybe stop on the way for birthday donuts? Or have a cupcake with candle so people can sing for him? Make a thing of taking a photo of both birthday boys together? Just let him know there won't be presents for him at grandpa's party, but you can certainly give him one. It would actually be a sweet tradition to recognize all the kids' birthdays on this day, and all it requires is a batch of cupcakes. Justin is 8 now! Becky turned 10 just last week! Now for the granddaddy of all the birthdays; Grandpa is 72! Countdown from youngest to oldest. It can be done anytime, it doesn't have to be when they do the 'official' cake, just do it before or after. Maybe even ask grandpa if he wants to hand out the cupcakes (making it clear they will be handed out, lol). Don't ask anybody in advance, just show up with cupcakes and show the kids! All the kids have a special cupcake for their birthday, yay! 

20 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Or maybe shoot him an email or write on a shared calendar something about it? "Birthday dinner on this day" 

Yes, this 100%. You know you want to go, you know you'll be upset if you don't, put that shizzle on the calendar and GO. I mean, you both forgot at least once, don't set him up for failure, lol. 

Laura, your mom is not being reasonable. Obviously you have to take the kid to university, so don't think twice about it. I've been known to get snarky right back with those people (even old people, lol): Well, mom, I considered having son miss university classes because your birthday is that weekend, but turns out that's not allowed. Or, I thought we might go to the bistro for your supposed birthday, what do you think? I do this with much eye-rolling and laughter. They still  may not see that they are being unreasonable, but voicing the lunacy makes me feel better and that's not nothing. 

[hjffkj]

58 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Or maybe shoot him an email or write on a shared calendar something about it? "Birthday dinner on this day" 

 

nah.  Birthdays are simply not important to me.  The only reason we do anything more than saying 'happy birthday' is because they are important to dh.  His family culture is that bdays are important and you make a big deal out of them.  If, for whatever reason,  he doesn't plan mine then I'm going to plan my own the way I want to.  That is either by myself or with a close friend I haven't seen in awhile. It doesn't even need to be a bday celebration,  I just want to have the specific dinner I want without having to cook it myself.

[Plagefille]

So, often I purposefully celebrate my kids birthdays on a different day because I don't want them to think the world revolves around them. On their birthday we always open their presents and tell them Happy Birthday. But cake, birthday dinner, and parties (if we do one) usually happen whenever is most convenient.

[prairiewindmomma]

When we don’t celebrate on the actual birthday we do make some acknowledgment on the actual day. For our kids we might have a cupcake or icecream or other sweet treat with supper. The day isn’t wholly ignored.

[EmseB]

I don't really understand being upset. Even since I was a little kid, bdays were celebrated on the nearest weekend, not on a school night. I mean, there would be an acknowledgment on the day of, but the party or event would not be on a day when my parents were working and I would be at school. I found this to be the norm among most of my friends and now my kids' friends and adults. No one parties or really goes out during the week.

[hjffkj]

3 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Your other post sorta contradicts this. You are waiting on him regarding something that is not important. Don't make yourself wait another week plus to enjoy the dinner you don't have to cook. Do it soon. Don't wait for a friend to be free to tag along, either, if you don't want. 

 

well, I'm waiting because in general it is important to him to make sure people's bdays are celebrated.  So, I'm giving him time to plan it.  But really, I'm not going to give him an unlimited amount of time to do it.  So, if he makes or gets one of the two options that I requested months ago that will be great.  But I'm not planning to bring all 7 of us to a restaurant that will prepare it because that will be so much more expensive.  So, my options are go with a single person or prepare the meal myself.  I don't want to prepare it myself, simply because both options aren't things I enjoy preparing.

[Pen]

 

5 hours ago, katilac said:

Laura, your mom is not being reasonable. Obviously you have to take the kid to university, so don't think twice about it. I've been known to get snarky right back with those people (even old people, lol): Well, mom, I considered having son miss university classes because your birthday is that weekend, but turns out that's not allowed. Or, I thought we might go to the bistro for your supposed birthday, what do you think? I do this with much eye-rolling and laughter. They still  may not see that they are being unreasonable, but voicing the lunacy makes me feel better and that's not nothing. 

 

I like this!

[katilac]

3 hours ago, StellaM said:

Does ds have to be driven back to uni ?

Just thinking, 'cos dd goes to uni 878km away and she's never been driven there.

She just packs a suitcase and a backpack and takes the train, and buys what she needs when she's there. 

I understand if you don't want to make ds get there himself, and that - given the relationship with your mum and your mum's longstanding issues - even if he was getting there himself, that doesn't mean you owe your mum attendance on the day.  Just thinking aloud, if you did want to make the day. 

 

I don't think it's ever a good idea to give in to emotional manipulation, though. Whether or not he 'has' to be driven, that's clearly what they have planned, and it's not reasonable to be in a tizzy about it. I know that I personally would be hard-pressed to truly celebrate a birthday after I was manipulated into changing my plans, kwim? And it just encourages  bad behavior. Nip this nonsense in the bud, I say. 

[Laura Corin]

6 hours ago, Pen said:

I like this!

I was tempted, but my brother has already bought train tickets, so I didn't want to risk her saying she didn't want to come for lunch.

Snarking back doesn't work very well anyway, because even with £2,000 hearing aids, her hearing isn't good enough for repartee. She hears slow speech fine, and her mind is completely here: she's been following the horror of Brexit hour by hour.

[Laura Corin]

4 hours ago, StellaM said:

Does ds have to be driven back to uni ?

Just thinking, 'cos dd goes to uni 878km away and she's never been driven there.

She just packs a suitcase and a backpack and takes the train, and buys what she needs when she's there. 

I understand if you don't want to make ds get there himself, and that - given the relationship with your mum and your mum's longstanding issues - even if he was getting there himself, that doesn't mean you owe your mum attendance on the day.  Just thinking aloud, if you did want to make the day. 

 

He is staying in private accommodation this year, and we are giving him an old telly for the house.

At this point, I'm not feeling very charitable towards my mother. Thinking it through, she's never liked or valued Hobbes, so her attitude to her birthday being moved may be partly connected to that.

[Pen]

Never liked her grandson?  

Sad.

 

[Laura Corin]

9 minutes ago, Pen said:

Never liked her grandson?  

Sad.

Yup. And Hobbes is the sweetest boy.

[importswim]

Sounds like every elderly British lady that I've known. 🙄 I'm sure my Mum will be the same way when she's your Mum's age. Sigh. Hugs to you, you're a really good daughter. 

[Laura Corin]

Mother was perfectly gracious during the weekend when we celebrated her birthday and when my brother was here.  We all sent cards for her real birthday and she commented later about how many cards she received.  So that's that done for another year.

Meanwhile, during the weekend I took Hobbes back to university I visited the Bronte Parsonage Museum and walked on the Bronte's nearest moor.  So that was all good too.

Eta I'm among the many people descended from the Brontes' mother's siblings.

Edited September 24, 2019 by Laura Corin

[gardenmom5]

On 9/6/2019 at 9:00 AM, katilac said:

My birthday is close to Christmas.  I got constantly shafted out of presents or parties as a kid because no one had money left over after Christmas for a birthday.  I got a lot of dodgy, shifty-eyed, “Well...this present is for Christmas AND your birthday!”  

 

On 9/6/2019 at 9:00 AM, katilac said:

No, that's an excuse. For a little kid in particular, you buy two gifts at half the price if things are that tight, they don't know the difference! My birthday is two weeks after Christmas. My parents must have done a great job of celebrating, because I never connected my birthday with Christmas at all. 

I 

I agree, it's just an excuse.  Maybe it's about money, or maybe it's about someone who doesn't want to deal with birthday gift shopping on top of Christmas gift shopping (and nothing to do with money at all.).  (I have a relative in the 2nd group.)  1dd's BD is 2 weeks after Christmas.  I did learn to buy her BD gifts at the same time as Christmas gifts because the good toys were sold out, and didn't get restocked until February.   Even as an adult, only very seldom (and only for a large ticket item) have her Christmas and BD gifts been rolled into one.  - And there was notice that is what was going to happen.  (and even then, I would get a small trinket to open when having a BD dinner/cake.)

[Laura Corin]

20 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

 

I agree, it's just an excuse.  Maybe it's about money, or maybe it's about someone who doesn't want to deal with birthday gift shopping on top of Christmas gift shopping (and nothing to do with money at all.).  (I have a relative in the 2nd group.)  1dd's BD is 2 weeks after Christmas.  I did learn to buy her BD gifts at the same time as Christmas gifts because the good toys were sold out, and didn't get restocked until February.   Even as an adult, only very seldom (and only for a large ticket item) have her Christmas and BD gifts been rolled into one.  - And there was notice that is what was going to happen.  (and even then, I would get a small trinket to open when having a BD dinner/cake.)

My eldest son has a birthday near Christmas. He has two declared birthdays, six months apart, like Paddington and the Queen. In the summer he gets his big gift from us; in winter he gets other family gifts. As we are not big buyers of things outside of Christmas and birthdays, that reduces the time between presents.

[gardenmom5]

48 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

My eldest son has a birthday near Christmas. He has two declared birthdays, six months apart, like Paddington and the Queen. In the summer he gets his big gift from us; in winter he gets other family gifts. As we are not big buyers of things outside of Christmas and birthdays, that reduces the time between presents.

my sil did that with her dd with a dec. birthday.  but it was because her other kids had warm weather birthdays and would always have swim parties - and dec bd kid wanted one too.

[rocassie]

Trying to gather people together can be tricky so getting together sometime within close proximity to the birthday would make me happy.  I would still like to do something on my actual birthday even if it's by myself.  Now for me kids, DH and I make the actual day special.  They usually get the day off from school work, get to pick their dinner, and have birthday  treats and presents from us.  A party on the other hand with extended family and/or friends is almost always on the weekend around the birthday.  It is important to me to acknowledge and celebrate my child's ACTUAL birthday rather than when it is convenient, but this is a hurt I have from my own childhood.

When my kiddos become adults or teenagers and wish to do things differently, I'm more than happy to change things up.  I would still make an effort to call, drop off a card, meet for coffee. or something on their actual birthday though.