How do I ‘get over it’?

[HSMWB]

Please help me figure out how to move on and still be a mom present for my kids and not a hot mess.

we have been homeschooling for 8 years.  This year our dd(14) starts high school and wanted to go to a brick and mortar school.  We said ok, tried several out, visited them, shadow days. Everything.  Our ds(11) 6th grade actually went on a lot of these visits and staunchly said that he wanted to stay at home.  I have kept telling him that staying home is an option and that I would keep homeschooling him.

Well, the entire time we have been homeschooling, my husband has really not been into it and has wanted to send the kids to school.  This has been an awful year for a variety of reasons and we are seeing a marriage counselor.  This past week she suggested that we talk about what a ‘good year’ of homeschooling DS would look like for us.  We were never able to even start talking about it.  After much soul searching I decided in an effort to try and save my marriage and make my husband happy, I would agree to send our DS to a school (that is legally not even a school because they only meet 4 days a week for not enough weeks so technically we are still homeschooling in the letter of the law in our state) but is really a school in that except for homework, they do everything else.

We have not told our DS about this change in plans (he is at summer camp) and I am dreading it.  I don’t really want to send him, I have good reason to thing he is not going to want to go.  I am really worried that he is going to say that I ‘lied’ to him and that this is going to wreck our relationship.  I am quite worried that he is going to make mornings so miserable that I am going to have to take up jogging in the morning or something to physically remove myself from the house while ‘getting ready for school’ happens daily.  It will be my DH who takes them to school on his way to work.

Then, there is the logistical and other issues.  I run a big for our area homeschooler field trip and specialty class type group.  Almost all my ‘mom friends’ are a part of it.  We could keep attending things on Friday (the day ds does not have school) but I am worried that it will be too difficult to try and have friends in both ‘worlds’.  But then I worry that if schooling does not work out, then I should make an effort to keep the ties in the homeschooling community.

Please help me find peace with sending my kids to school even though they don’t want to go and I wish they were not going too.

 

[MEmama]

Well there’s no reason an 11 yo can’t understand that things change and that you aren’t lying to him, unless he has other reasons to suspect that might be so. I would assume he knows there are relationship issues; he’s certainly old enough to understand that mom and dad getting on the same page is more important than the luxury of homeschooling.

As far as getting him on board, he doesn’t really have a choice so you might as well play up the positives. I’m not sure why it would be confusing or negative to have one foot in the homeschool world and one foot in the “other” (doesn’t sound like public) school world. Lots of folks do public/private/homeschool combinations, especially leading up to making a full transition for high school. Joining sports or other favourite activities that he might be missing out on as a homeschooler can help ease a lot of anxiety, if that’s the trouble. 

Keep communication open and honest, be respectful of his feelings while doing what you know needs to be done and embrace the changes knowing they are part of your marriage restoration process. 

Good luck!

[Guest]

My kids have all gone to B&m school for high school, and the reason was that was my dh’s line in the sand on homeschooling. He was never a big fan, and was not an integral part of doing the work of hsing (other than being the earner which made it possible), but for him, the absolute line in the sand was the kids must go to a school for high school. 

I agree with @MEmama above that you might as well start framing it in a positive light. If it were my child, I would be playing up the giant benefit of being able to still participate in Friday classes with his hs community. 

You may even come to be glad for it eventually; I did. 

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Quill said:

My kids have all gone to B&m school for high school, and the reason was that was my dh’s line in the sand on homeschooling. He was never a big fan, and was not an integral part of doing the work of hsing (other than being the earner which made it possible), but for him, the absolute line in the sand was the kids must go to a school for high school. 

I agree with @MEmama above that you might as well start framing it in a positive light. If it were my child, I would be playing up the giant benefit of being able to still participate in Friday classes with his hs community. 

You may even come to be glad for it eventually; I did. 

Knowing that all along is one thing....having this sprung on you and their son the week school starts is another.

In the spring of the year my son was 9 and finishing 3rd grade my xh talked (bullied) me into putting ds in school come that fall.  Our marriage was in horrible shape and I thought it was best to do that in an effort to save my marriage but I was not happy about it.  Ds was not happy....it was a horrible time. 

I posted here about it and got many people telling me that they would not agree to it.  A few supported my decision to put him in school....but anyway, I had made up my mind to do it.  Turns out I didn't have to but I was prepared to and I do understand your reasoning on it.  In my situation I agreed to do it in the spring...so I was going to have the entire summer to get myself and ds ready for the big change.  That is really the most difficult part here imo.

[hippiemamato3]

18 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Knowing that all along is one thing....having this sprung on you and their son the week school starts is another.

In the spring of the year my son was 9 and finishing 3rd grade my xh talked (bullied) me into putting ds in school come that fall.  Our marriage was in horrible shape and I thought it was best to do that in an effort to save my marriage but I was not happy about it.  Ds was not happy....it was a horrible time. 

I posted here about it and got many people telling me that they would not agree to it.  A few supported my decision to put him in school....but anyway, I had made up my mind to do it.  Turns out I didn't have to but I was prepared to and I do understand your reasoning on it.  In my situation I agreed to do it in the spring...so I was going to have the entire summer to get myself and ds ready for the big change.  That is really the most difficult part here imo.

Did he end up going to public straight through? Or did he do online school? 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, hippiemamato3 said:

Did he end up going to public straight through? Or did he do online school? 

He never went to B&M.  He stayed with the same virtual charter and I schooled him at home all the way. 

[hippiemamato3]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

He never went to B&M.  He stayed with the same virtual charter and I schooled him at home all the way. 

I'm glad. My ex never allowed me to homeschool DS. It would have been life changing for him I think. I'm glad you were able to keep him home with you.

[MEmama]

14 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Knowing that all along is one thing....having this sprung on you and their son the week school starts is another.

In the spring of the year my son was 9 and finishing 3rd grade my xh talked (bullied) me into putting ds in school come that fall.  Our marriage was in horrible shape and I thought it was best to do that in an effort to save my marriage but I was not happy about it.  Ds was not happy....it was a horrible time. 

I posted here about it and got many people telling me that they would not agree to it.  A few supported my decision to put him in school....but anyway, I had made up my mind to do it.  Turns out I didn't have to but I was prepared to and I do understand your reasoning on it.  In my situation I agreed to do it in the spring...so I was going to have the entire summer to get myself and ds ready for the big change.  That is really the most difficult part here imo.

Agreed, knowing in advance is ideal. But the OP states that her DH has never been on board with homeschooling, which makes me think it must have been at least in the back of her mind that they might make changes at some point. It doesn’t sound like this was sprung on her as much as a decision had to made for the sake of her marriage.

Of course only she knows, but it seems to me someone is going to have to give on the issue and her DH already has for 8 years. If they can’t even talk about it (??), it seems logical to me to let it go so they can move forward. Obviously there must be a lot more to the story that we don’t need to know about. 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, hippiemamato3 said:

I'm glad. My ex never allowed me to homeschool DS. It would have been life changing for him I think. I'm glad you were able to keep him home with you.

I was able to get sole custody so he had no say in it. I will say he has told me many times since then that I have done a good job with our son and he wishes he had not been so against homeschooling.

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, MEmama said:

Agreed, knowing in advance is ideal. But the OP states that her DH has never been on board with homeschooling, which makes me think it must have been at least in the back of her mind that they might make changes at some point. It doesn’t sound like this was sprung on her as much as a decision had to made for the sake of her marriage.

Of course only she knows, but it seems to me someone is going to have to give on the issue and her DH already has for 8 years. If they can’t even talk about it (??), it seems logical to me to let it go so they can move forward. Obviously there must be a lot more to the story that we don’t need to know about. 

Agree.  But I just wanted to let her know I understand how difficult this must be for her and how difficult it will be for her son.

[hippiemamato3]

Just now, Scarlett said:

I was able to get sole custody so he had no say in it. I will say he has told me many times since then that I have done a good job with our son and he wishes he had not been so against homeschooling.

I did end up with sole a few years ago and we did homeschool last year. DS will be going back to high school this fall, but I'm ok with it. 

[mom2scouts]

2 hours ago, HSMWB said:

We have not told our DS about this change in plans (he is at summer camp) and I am dreading it.  I don’t really want to send him, I have good reason to thing he is not going to want to go.  I am really worried that he is going to say that I ‘lied’ to him and that this is going to wreck our relationship.  I am quite worried that he is going to make mornings so miserable that I am going to have to take up jogging in the morning or something to physically remove myself from the house while ‘getting ready for school’ happens daily.  It will be my DH who takes them to school on his way to work.

 

 

I understand why you're trying this, but it seems like it might add to your family stress instead of relieving it.

[MEmama]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Agree.  But I just wanted to let her know I understand how difficult this must be for her and how difficult it will be for her son.

Not all kids struggle with it though. It’s not a given he won’t like school or have a rough transition. Thinking he doesn’t wanna before he’s ever tried it isn’t really an indicator. 

All the emotions are valid at any rate. 🙂

 

[prairiewindmomma]

There's a lot going on in your post:

1. Being able to imagine and discuss a position you disagree with as a thought exercise is a typical counseling exercise.  Coming back and discussing that experience (whether you could or could not do that) with your counselor is probably their expected outcome from the exercise---not a capitulated decision. 

2. If you chose to capitulate this decision as a goodwill token in the marriage, or because you have other reasons for doing so (like anticipated return to workforce, etc.) that's a valid grown up adulting decision. It's a decision that should be shared as a family, and supported as a family.  Ditching the house while your ds is getting ready for school isn't ok. It undermines the fact that the decision was made jointly.

3. At 11, a kid should be old enough to be aware of the dynamics in the household. He should also be able to do things he doesn't want to for the sake of the overall needs of the household. He may very well need his own counseling.

4. It seems like a chunk of your identity and community (where you are welcomed) is tied to homeschooling. I get that this feels like a loss for you. People step in and out of homeschooling for all kinds of reasons. It's ok to say that you're making this change in response to your dh's wishes and that you hope to keep in touch with everyone. Perhaps you can join up outside of whatever events are tying you together and form separate friendships.  If your marriage is shaky, I'd be trying to build your own support network however you can. If you are doing separate counseling, brainstorming how to do this as an individual would be a point I'd bring up.

[prairiewindmomma]

Coming back to add, my younger three went to school last year and the transition wasn't nearly as rough as I feared.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I agree with prairiewindmomma that Mom can't bail on the family during the school morning. That's a parenting thing, and failing to be there for your child as he faces his school day will be more harmful to your relationship with him than your choice of school method. Also, if DH is resentful of education-related stresses with kids, you could end up with a nightmare if he has to do all of the school prep stuff in the morning. It won't be better.

Do you think DH will become an involved and supportive public school parent? If a lot of the problems are about homeschooling and your involvement in that world, do you both understand that brick and mortar school is a world requiring involvement, too? Not the same, definitely. But the mornings aren't the only time that will be radically different. After school, homework time, prepping for the next day, not to mention evening activities and fundraisers and whatnot...you've been an involved hs'ing mom. You will probably take that interest and commitment into being an involved ps mom. Is he going to blame you for that? 

I agree with heartlikealion that you'd ideally have more information before making this change. Is the child academically ready, do you have time to help him process and understand...and even more to the point, what will this gain you? Will it really "work" or just cause a different set of problems?

If you know you want to send your children to public school and you know it will be fine, then you just do it, and be the best ps parent you can be. Good parents can choose from a variety of options and it's fine. I just don't think you sound like you are there yet...would you prefer to take the time to address some of the questions and concerns (not for US, but if they are bothering YOU), and maybe consider enrolling at fall break or second semester?

 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Knowing that all along is one thing....having this sprung on you and their son the week school starts is another.

In the spring of the year my son was 9 and finishing 3rd grade my xh talked (bullied) me into putting ds in school come that fall.  Our marriage was in horrible shape and I thought it was best to do that in an effort to save my marriage but I was not happy about it.  Ds was not happy....it was a horrible time. 

I posted here about it and got many people telling me that they would not agree to it.  A few supported my decision to put him in school....but anyway, I had made up my mind to do it.  Turns out I didn't have to but I was prepared to and I do understand your reasoning on it.  In my situation I agreed to do it in the spring...so I was going to have the entire summer to get myself and ds ready for the big change.  That is really the most difficult part here imo.

I hear ya on that, but from her OP, it does not sound like it’s actually being sprung on her, just that an unwanted outcome she feared is coming to pass. 

We still (dh and I) had points of intense stress, even though he went along with hsing. When our first child was going into sixth grade is a prime example. I had been homeschooling along since Kindy, and dh abruptly made absolute heck over wanting the hsing to end.

So yeah, I have been through that particular fire. I have experienced both outcomes - the outcome of hsing though dh did not fully support it and the outcome of agreeing that I had had a long run doing it “my way” and I could come to terms with sending them to school for high school. 

My caution was that how she frames it with her son could go a long way to informing how he inteprets it. My youngest will be going to public school this fall; the first of my kids to do so. That was once something I could not imagine my being okay with. But financially and for a couple of other reasons, this is how it’s going to be, so I have done my part to show enthusiasm for the school ds is going to attend. 

[HSMWB]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

You lost me here: 

 

What exactly makes you think that this is the answer? If you send them both to school, will it change your dh's expectations of you? Will you now be expected to work outside the home (not sure if you do). I know in my case, if I was not homeschooling either child, my dh would expect me to be earning income. 

What are the true wants of your dh? How can they be met? Is "going to school" his want because of the curriculum, the weight he thinks you carry from homeschooling, the focus you can now put on other things... ?? I think you may want to dig deeper to find out the root. 

Is your therapist pro/against homeschooling or neutral? That could also affect your viewpoint. Do you think that the marriage will flounder with or without brick and mortar school? Does your ds need to take a placement test? Does he have time to process the change, shop for school supplies, etc? Our local schools start this week. 

Sorry, I am not sure how to quote or reply within the answer.

What exactly makes you think this is the answer? - sending him to this school, I don’t really think it is the answer.  I think it is just going to cause different issues to pop up.  I know I am being pessimistic, and I am trying to figure out how to realistically get over it and try to move forward.  However, it is the issue that my DH tells me is the root of DH’s issues, and that if I would just listen to him and give it a try he is sure things will be roses.

If you send them both to school, will this change DH’s expectations of you? He claims it won’t, and that he doesn’t want me to get a job right away. However, one of his issues has always been the pressure he feel monetary because I am not working.  And several times I have gone on job interviews and such.  And I think that he does want me to have a job. 

What are the true wants of your DH?  This is such a good question.  We are in marriage counseling, but he basically told me yesterday that he is only going to ‘support me’ because he thinks everything is basically all in my head and he doesn’t have any issues.

How can they be met?  I can assure you it is not the curriculum, this school uses SOTW, novels, Saxon Math, Latin Alive, and almost all the families were homeschooling before they started attending.  I have either looked at or used basically all the text books.  He would be the 10th kid in the class, and they do not allow more then 10 in a class.  We are looking at this school simply because it is the one most like homeschooling (technically still is) and I really think it is the best fit and option for the kids if they are going to school.

Is the therapist pro/against homeschooling or neutral?  I would say neutral for the most part.  She really doesn’t seem to offer opinions, and prior to this we had only discussed which school options for our DD with her.  I brought up my concerns about our DS and how her going to school was going to change the family dynamics and logistics.  That I was concerned DS would not get some of the experiences that we really enjoy (like weekly park days) because I was going to have to pick up DD now.

Do you think the marriage will flounder with or without a brick and mortar school? I think the problems with the marriage are deeper then the schooling choice.  That the schooling choice has been used as a scrape goat for years by my DH, but that it is really not the ‘real’ issue.  Yet is where the drama is currently playing out.

Does your DS need to take a placement test? Yes, but I think he will do fine, except, if he deliberately does awful because he does not want to go.  They want to do a Saxon placement test, have him read aloud, and write a paragraph.  He can do all of those things.  School doesn’t start until after Labor Day, so we still have some time.  But, it is approaching quickly.

[Scarlett]

14 minutes ago, HSMWB said:

Sorry, I am not sure how to quote or reply within the answer.

What exactly makes you think this is the answer? - sending him to this school, I don’t really think it is the answer.  I think it is just going to cause different issues to pop up.  I know I am being pessimistic, and I am trying to figure out how to realistically get over it and try to move forward.  However, it is the issue that my DH tells me is the root of DH’s issues, and that if I would just listen to him and give it a try he is sure things will be roses.

If you send them both to school, will this change DH’s expectations of you? He claims it won’t, and that he doesn’t want me to get a job right away. However, one of his issues has always been the pressure he feel monetary because I am not working.  And several times I have gone on job interviews and such.  And I think that he does want me to have a job. 

What are the true wants of your DH?  This is such a good question.  We are in marriage counseling, but he basically told me yesterday that he is only going to ‘support me’ because he thinks everything is basically all in my head and he doesn’t have any issues.

How can they be met?  I can assure you it is not the curriculum, this school uses SOTW, novels, Saxon Math, Latin Alive, and almost all the families were homeschooling before they started attending.  I have either looked at or used basically all the text books.  He would be the 10th kid in the class, and they do not allow more then 10 in a class.  We are looking at this school simply because it is the one most like homeschooling (technically still is) and I really think it is the best fit and option for the kids if they are going to school.

Is the therapist pro/against homeschooling or neutral?  I would say neutral for the most part.  She really doesn’t seem to offer opinions, and prior to this we had only discussed which school options for our DD with her.  I brought up my concerns about our DS and how her going to school was going to change the family dynamics and logistics.  That I was concerned DS would not get some of the experiences that we really enjoy (like weekly park days) because I was going to have to pick up DD now.

Do you think the marriage will flounder with or without a brick and mortar school? I think the problems with the marriage are deeper then the schooling choice.  That the schooling choice has been used as a scrape goat for years by my DH, but that it is really not the ‘real’ issue.  Yet is where the drama is currently playing out.

Does your DS need to take a placement test? Yes, but I think he will do fine, except, if he deliberately does awful because he does not want to go.  They want to do a Saxon placement test, have him read aloud, and write a paragraph.  He can do all of those things.  School doesn’t start until after Labor Day, so we still have some time.  But, it is approaching quickly.

The bolded was exactly how it played out in my marriage.  It was a big diversion.  I don’t think it would have killed my son to have gone to B&M  and I sure don’t think it will kill your ds. He may thrive there.  Who knows.  My concern is that this will not help your marriage, but only make you super resentful....but honestly I was right where you are and can’t say your decision is wrong.  

As others have said frame it as positively as you can for your son. 

[Susan in TX]

Why weren't you able to talk about what a good year of homeschooling DS would look like? 

Susan in TX

[Arcadia]

If your husband isn’t into homeschooling and that choice has meant him being the sole breadwinner for 8 years, that can be a lot of resentment build up over the years. 

My husband is the one pro-homeschooling while to me it is the least worst choice for our kids. The plan was for me to go to work after DS13 is in kindergarten. Nine years of “lost income” has been financially stressful for my husband and my parents have bailed us out countless times. The worst was during the Great Recession as we don’t know if he would be unemployed. 

I think your 11 year old would have known that your husband isn’t supportive of homeschooling by now. I would let your husband tell him though.  Does your husband expect your 11 year old to attend a public school or is he in agreement with your child attending the four day a week school?   I am assuming that the four day a week school would have tuition fees and I don’t know if your husband is in agreement with that.  When we look at private schools, there was a upper limit in tuition that we were willing to pay because it would be just slightly higher than homeschooling costs. 

I am wondering if the main issue your husband has with homeschooling is the costs (homeschooling costs and lost of potential income), or he thinks you aren’t doing a good “job” of homeschooling your kids, or he feels he is last priority to you compared to homeschooling. For example, dinner is seldom ready and our house is in a mess when my husband comes home from work, but my husband views that as part and parcel of parenting our kids. Even if we aren’t homeschooling, I would still not be able to get dinner ready and our house would still be messy because of other parenting tasks. 

[Scarlett]

Maybe I missed it but I don’t think she mentioned anything about him wanting her to go to work.  And none of us know their financial situation to know if that is even necessary. With my xh, he wanted me to work.....and there was no need.  I never understood it and I still don’t get it.  But then again I find value in someone being home if that is possible.

[Susan in TX]

I could give you a better answer if I had more information but going off of what you have shared it seems to me that you may have been railroaded into making this decision by dh and the therapist. Sometimes sending a homeschooled child to school is the right decision, and that seems to be the case with your daughter, but I would not make that decision under duress. Nor would I send a child to school with the idea that it would somehow save my marriage. Any decision about a child's education needs to be about the child. What type of schooling will be best for your son? 

I would also not be pressured into getting a job. Sometimes husbands who have already decided to leave the marriage go to counseling so they can say they "tried" and then they don't look like the bad guy. They also convince the wives to stop homeschooling and get a job so that when they divorce they won't have to pay any spousal support. I am not saying that this is true in your case but I know of people where this has been the situation. 

Susan in TX

[marbel]

Maybe I missed it (I did read all the posts) but has your husband articulated to you why he is against homeschooling? Does he think it takes up too much of your time; is he afraid the kids will not be competitive at work/college, does he think they are too sheltered?   I'm just confused why he thinks everything in your marriage will be fine once you stop homeschooling. It doesn't make sense to me.  Unless it really is about money and you going back to work.  I know you said that you don't believe homeschooling is the heart of the problem.  I hope the therapist had him state/explore his reasons rather than just saying he's against homeschooling.  If she didn't, then I don't think she's neutral on the topic.

ETA: I reread a post, quote below; I can't get my comment under it!   From this, it sounds as if it is about the money and him feeling the burden of financial responsibility all on his shoulders; if so, then there is no reason he wouldn't want you to go back to work right away.  The therapist should be teasing this out; it sounds as if that is not happening. 

Quote

If you send them both to school, will this change DH’s expectations of you? He claims it won’t, and that he doesn’t want me to get a job right away. However, one of his issues has always been the pressure he feel monetary because I am not working.  And several times I have gone on job interviews and such.  And I think that he does want me to have a  job. 

Edited August 7, 2019 by marbel

[Carol in Cal.]

I hate to be so paranoid, but I have watched a lot of situations like this play out on these boards, and I'm hearing warning sirens loud and clear.

And what they are tooting is 'Divorce Planning'.

The pattern is, husband starts by trying to convince wife that she is mutually to blame for their marital problems, even though they are mostly in his head and/or/likely he is seeing someone else on the side.  Then he gets her to agree to send the kids back to school.  Then he gets her to get a job.  THEN he blindsides her with a divorce filing after having established a 'norm' of the kids being in school and her being employed, that significantly reduces his financial obligations once they are through.

I would like to emphasize--this is not something that I think you should discuss with him.  But I do think you should quietly investigate it on your own.  Make sure you have copies of your family's financial records, preferably in a location outside of the home that is not known to him.  This means credit card/bank/mortgage/investment/retirement accounts statements, tax returns, and anything else that establishes what you own and what you owe.  Also, maybe even talk with a lawyer about the laws in your state.

Sorry to be so downer about this, but I'm seeing some sadly familiar red flags.

[moonflower]

Well, while I am a huge supporter of staying home with your kids, I don't see how you can insist in a marriage that your husband do all the financial support /work outside the home.  If part of his concern about homeschooling is that it keeps the family at a single income, and he feels both the financial pressure of that and just the pressure of being the only person providing for the family, that is a valid concern, honestly.  It's also valid for you to say no, I don't want to work to support us, I want to stay home and homeschool the kids - but what if you both wanted to do that?  What if he also didn't want to work outside the home - that wouldn't work, obviously. 

So while I'm totally on the side of homeschooling and staying home especially with littles, I can also see where your husband has spent years being the only breadwinner and feeling the pressure and resentment of that, and he's given in to homeschooling for what, half their educated years? and really would like to have them in school and ease the financial burden for a while.

But if that's something you can only do resentfully or sincerely unhappily, it's not really a solution.  If it is something you can give in on for the sake of the marriage and to compromise for a while (since you did homeschool and stay home for many years), then that's great, but if not, I don't know that I would just do it anyway and skip out on school mornings and be angry and sad about it all the time.  

[marbel]

5 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Unless you start work immediately, I don’t see how sending your son to a 4 day school program (that probably costs money) is helping him at all. So it’s about money or it’s not... and if he agrees to this arrangement it’s hard to say it’s about money as I don’t think you can snap your fingers and get a job immediately. 

Realistically it’s about more than money, but money being one of those reasons if I’m reading into it correctly. 

OP, does the 4 day a week schooling cost money? Is there another school your Dh has in mind or is he fine with that one? 

I agree with you. Just commenting that I think a lot of people have the impression that because there is low unemployment and some industries are begging for workers (there is a thread on that on this board), any person can just walk into a place and walk out with a job.  It took me a year to find a job (I had been out of work 20 years, longer than the OP as far as I know) and I only got it because a manager at the company made a personal recommendation to the owner. (I don't work with her.)  I applied lots of places and had a good resume but no recent experience, so it was difficult. And I am not paid a living wage; my monthly salary does not cover our house (payment/taxes/insurance).  But yeah, I think a lot of people believe that one can snap their fingers and get a job immediately.  Maybe the OP's husband is one of them. 

Sorry for the derail.

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, marbel said:

 And I am not paid a living wage; my monthly salary does not cover our house (payment/taxes/insurance).  But yeah, I think a lot of people believe that one can snap their fingers and get a job immediately.  Maybe the OP's husband is one of them. 

 

We obviously do not know OP’s financial situation. For my MIL and many of my former schoolmates’ moms, they supplement the family income while their kids were in school by working under the table as seamstresses (those dress alteration shops and bridal gown shops). 

Also OP’s oldest child is starting high school which means college costs looms in four years time. My family is full pay so I do need to earn some money (not necessary a living wage) when my youngest enter college to help out with college miscellaneous expenses (textbooks, meal plans, etc). We don’t know if OP’s husband is worried about potential unemployment, college expenses, emergency savings, retirement savings. 

While I am unlikely to get a job, I would be able to pick up a few local tuition assignments rather fast if we need the add on income. 

A friend’s wife currently has a high chance of being unemployed at her current job despite the extremely low unemployment rate. She is on the lookout for jobs. 

Regarding what other posters mentioned about divorce, a friend’s ex divorce her over homeschooling and their child is in public school. Her ex insisted on public school and while they have irreconcilable differences over other things (finance being one), homeschooling was listed as one of the reasons. 

Edited August 7, 2019 by Arcadia
Typing errors

[marbel]

23 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

 

We obviously do not know OP’s financial situation. For my MIL and many of my former schoolmates’ moms, they supplement the family income while their kids were in school by working under the table as seamstresses (those dress alteration shops and bridal gown shops). 

<snip>

Yeah, that is a good point. She may not need to make a living wage but rather contribute and take some of the stress off her husband.  I was thinking about the posts that warned about a possible setup for divorce and that she might need a job with full time pay, benefits, etc. 

My main point really was that a person can't necessarily just decide to get a job, and get one quickly, particularly if they have been out of the workforce for a while, have no current references, and don't have a profession they can jump back into. 

In any case, though, he should be saying that. 

[moonflower]

As far as finding a job goes, especially without recent work experience, it can take a while.  When we hired employees several years ago we went through hundreds of applications to find two people.  That means, doing the math, that you might have to apply for 50 jobs, and you might have to start at minimum wage (or whatever a low wage for your area is) and keep looking for opportunities.  

It seemed like as a high school kid it was easy to get a job, though - I just went in to three different places and got jobs at each right away.  One was a big box store and you just qualified or you didn't, pay was a bit above minimum wage.  Another was as a dog washer at a grooming shop, pay was twice minimum wage (paid by amount of work done instead of hourly, and I was efficient); another was the same plus general labor at another grooming shop but paid by the hour, I think about $1.50 above minimum wage.  It seems like these days there are a lot more hoops to jump through, for sure.

It can take a while, but if the OP's DH is concerned about money in the long term, I can see it making sense to him to want the OP to start now so that by the time the youngest is in HS she's hopefully found something that pays well and is a good work environment.  It can take a while to find a good place at a good wage, but you have to start somewhere.

[Garga]

18 hours ago, Susan in TX said:

Why weren't you able to talk about what a good year of homeschooling DS would look like? 

Susan in TX

I’m wondering that, too.  Did it dissolve into arguments, or was everyone drawing a blank?

[Scarlett]

7 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

In the last post I quoted she said he feels monetary pressure and she does think at some point he’d want her to work. 

Ok ty . I did miss it. 

[Scarlett]

3 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I hate to be so paranoid, but I have watched a lot of situations like this play out on these boards, and I'm hearing warning sirens loud and clear.

And what they are tooting is 'Divorce Planning'.

The pattern is, husband starts by trying to convince wife that she is mutually to blame for their marital problems, even though they are mostly in his head and/or/likely he is seeing someone else on the side.  Then he gets her to agree to send the kids back to school.  Then he gets her to get a job.  THEN he blindsides her with a divorce filing after having established a 'norm' of the kids being in school and her being employed, that significantly reduces his financial obligations once they are through.

I would like to emphasize--this is not something that I think you should discuss with him.  But I do think you should quietly investigate it on your own.  Make sure you have copies of your family's financial records, preferably in a location outside of the home that is not known to him.  This means credit card/bank/mortgage/investment/retirement accounts statements, tax returns, and anything else that establishes what you own and what you owe.  Also, maybe even talk with a lawyer about the laws in your state.

Sorry to be so downer about this, but I'm seeing some sadly familiar red flags.

Well since you put it out there I will say I see the same red flags . It is pretty much exactly what my xh did or rather tried because I figured it out before he could fully execute it. 

Op You can pm me for more info if you like. 

[Scarlett]

3 hours ago, CuriousMomof3 said:

Unfortunately, I think there might be some truth here, although if he's been against homeschooling from the start maybe not.

But if this is true, then that is a reason to get kid used to school and look for a job.  Because he could well leave anyway, and if your kid is adjusted to school, and you're already employed, you'll be in a better spot. 

The bolded are good suggestions, I'd add squirreling away a little money to that list.  

Well maybe not. Depends on  their financial situation and the laws of her state. Most lawyers suggest changing nothing in the middle of a divorce. I was able to keep homeschooling and not go back to work. 

Edited August 7, 2019 by Scarlett

[moonflower]

I don't think, if you get divorced, that it's really all that fair to demand that the non-custodial parent pay for the custodial parent to live at home and homeschool the children instead of working, if the non-custodial parent isn't committed to homeschooling and/or giving the children the option of a SAHM.  It's unfair to divorce your wife without fault on her part, yes, but that's the devil of no-fault divorce.

[Carol in Cal.]

1 minute ago, moonflower said:

I don't think, if you get divorced, that it's really all that fair to demand that the non-custodial parent pay for the custodial parent to live at home and homeschool the children instead of working, if the non-custodial parent isn't committed to homeschooling and/or giving the children the option of a SAHM.  It's unfair to divorce your wife without fault on her part, yes, but that's the devil of no-fault divorce.

 

I think that it's in the best interests of the children to have continuity in that situation.  And the courts pretty much agree.  That's why folks who are planning to divorce often try to establish a lifestyle that is cheaper for them post-divorce, so that they can make the argument that that is the norm, not the exception.

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, CuriousMomof3 said:

How did you support yourself?   
 

Child support and alimony 

[marbel]

19 minutes ago, moonflower said:

I don't think, if you get divorced, that it's really all that fair to demand that the non-custodial parent pay for the custodial parent to live at home and homeschool the children instead of working, if the non-custodial parent isn't committed to homeschooling and/or giving the children the option of a SAHM.  It's unfair to divorce your wife without fault on her part, yes, but that's the devil of no-fault divorce.

If that was the arrangement before the divorce, then it's perfectly fair. She's homeschooled, and not worked, for 8 years.  He may not have been committed to it, but he didn't stop it. 

Lots of unfairness all around in a divorce situation. 

[Scarlett]

45 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

 

I think that it's in the best interests of the children to have continuity in that situation.  And the courts pretty much agree.  That's why folks who are planning to divorce often try to establish a lifestyle that is cheaper for them post-divorce, so that they can make the argument that that is the norm, not the exception.

 

Exactly.

42 minutes ago, CuriousMomof3 said:

I agree that continuity is ideal, but I think many families would struggle to maintain two households on one income.  
 

If it is impossible, it is impossible.   But also, I was willing to do with very little so that I didn’t have to put our son in school immediately following his parents divorce.  

[Scarlett]

26 minutes ago, marbel said:

If that was the arrangement before the divorce, then it's perfectly fair. She's homeschooled, and not worked, for 8 years.  He may not have been committed to it, but he didn't stop it. 

Lots of unfairness all around in a divorce situation. 

 Exactly.  I sure didn’t think it was fair that my husband  of 26 years was having sex with a co worker.  So I had no qualms getting every dime and advantage the law allowed.  

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, CuriousMomof3 said:

I think it's fantastic that you made it work.  I just think that if a parent sees divorce down the road, and knows that their family's finances would make it impossible for them to stay home, getting school going so it doesn't coincide with the trauma of the divorce, might be considered as one advantage to school.

But there's a lot of "if's" there.  I have no idea if divorce is on the radar, or if she'd be able to stay home anyway, or, well much of anything about this family.  So, this isn't really advice, it's just me offering some food for thought.  

 

Yes, I agree and everything you say is true. 

[Carol in Cal.]

1 hour ago, CuriousMomof3 said:

I agree that continuity is ideal, but I think many families would struggle to maintain two households on one income.  
 

The question then would be, whose needs should have priority?  And I think the answer is the kids' needs.  And that their needs should trump the need of the leaving spouse to not have to support them the way they had been supported before.

[marbel]

5 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

The question then would be, whose needs should have priority?  And I think the answer is the kids' needs.  And that their needs should trump the need of the leaving spouse to not have to support them the way they had been supported before.

Right. The leaving spouse can get a cheap studio apartment or rent a room.  Get a second job to pay for it. Seriously, who cares about "being fair" to someone who is abandoning the family?

Not that we know the OP's husband is abandoning the family!  But it seems odd that if money pressure is getting to him, he didn't just come out and say it. It's not that hard. 

Edited August 7, 2019 by marbel

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, CuriousMomof3 said:

Yes, I agree 100%. But a parent sometimes need to be prepared to protect his or her children from a spouse who doesn't prioritize the way they should, or a judge who makes a bad decision.  If a family is living on a thin margin financially, and divorce is a possibility, it might make sense for a parent to think about how they would do with less money, because it's a likely outcome, whether it "should" be different or not.  I wish that wasn't so, but the experience of people I know tells me it is.

Alimony is generally based upon need and ability to pay and length of marriage .  Most people can consult an attorney and their own financials and figure out real quick what the options are likely to be. 

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, marbel said:

Right. The leaving spouse can get a cheap studio apartment or rent a room.  Get a second job to pay for it. Seriously, who cares about "being fair" to someone who is abandoning the family?

Not that we know the OP's husband is abandoning the family!  But it seems odd that if money pressure is getting to him, he didn't just come out and say it. It's not that hard. 

Yep.  And this is where it just depends on the situation.  Xh had a great job, great benefits. We lived in a beautiful home in a beautiful neighborhood. We were on track to have our home paid for by ds’s 18th year.  Our son was thriving with homeschooling.  I asked him what we needed more money for? I think he said a boat.  This from a man who spent all of his free time not with us.  So nothing he said made sense and it was part of the reason I looked for and found an affair.  

[Carol in Cal.]

25 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Alimony is generally based upon need and ability to pay and length of marriage .  Most people can consult an attorney and their own financials and figure out real quick what the options are likely to be. 

Which is why I suggested a 'behind the scenes' consultation with one.  Laws vary a lot from state to state.

[katilac]

On 8/6/2019 at 4:35 PM, CuriousMomof3 said:

If not, could you frame it as something you discovered that is really different from the schools he rejected?  Could you say something like "I hadn't thought we'd send you to school this year, because we heard you that you really didn't want homework, or that large groups were too much, or that you wanted to continue with your homeschool group (or whatever specific things he said) but then we found a school that seemed to have more of what you wanted, and less of what you were worried about, and so your father and I would like you to try?"  
 

This is only fair to say if he has a choice in the matter. If he doesn't, then it's not true that mom and dad would like him to try - he is being sent to school, period. 

[HSMWB]

On 8/6/2019 at 1:03 PM, Lang Syne Boardie said:

I agree with prairiewindmomma that Mom can't bail on the family during the school morning. That's a parenting thing, and failing to be there for your child as he faces his school day will be more harmful to your relationship with him than your choice of school method. Also, if DH is resentful of education-related stresses with kids, you could end up with a nightmare if he has to do all of the school prep stuff in the morning. It won't be better.

Do you think DH will become an involved and supportive public school parent? If a lot of the problems are about homeschooling and your involvement in that world, do you both understand that brick and mortar school is a world requiring involvement, too? Not the same, definitely. But the mornings aren't the only time that will be radically different. After school, homework time, prepping for the next day, not to mention evening activities and fundraisers and whatnot...you've been an involved hs'ing mom. You will probably take that interest and commitment into being an involved ps mom. Is he going to blame you for that? 

I agree with heartlikealion that you'd ideally have more information before making this change. Is the child academically ready, do you have time to help him process and understand...and even more to the point, what will this gain you? Will it really "work" or just cause a different set of problems?

If you know you want to send your children to public school and you know it will be fine, then you just do it, and be the best ps parent you can be. Good parents can choose from a variety of options and it's fine. I just don't think you sound like you are there yet...would you prefer to take the time to address some of the questions and concerns (not for US, but if they are bothering YOU), and maybe consider enrolling at fall break or second semester?

 

I still can’t really figure out the replying to quote thing.  But anyways:

Do you think DH will be an involved school parent?  Honestly, he knows that it is going to be all on him to get the kids to the school in the morning. It is directly on his way to work at the exact time he is going to work.  It is far enough away that there are no other options as far as carpooling/public bus/etc.  We have spoken about how on Sunday’s he often leaves to ‘get the car and walk the dog’ and leaves me to get the kids up to the car every week on time (we are often running late), and things dissolve into frustration.  And that if the kids go, it is really going to be up to him.  The layout and size of our house make it somewhat difficult for multiple people to get ready at the same time.  He has also told me that he doesn’t think he should be the ‘math homework’ person.  And several years ago he decided the kids were ‘too old’ for bedtime stories, and stopped them. This is an example of him making a decision that I didn’t agree with, but going along with because I felt like I could compensate by doing more read aloud during the day with homeschooling.

Is he going to blame you for that? (Being am involved school parent) I don’t think exactly so.  I think he wants me to be involved, and I want to be involved, but it makes me cry in frustration just thinking about it.  I don’t know if it helps or hurts that the school uses quite a few curriculum choices that I have personally been using or used in the past.  I’m worried that just being on the premises of the school is going to be pouring salt into unhealed wounds of mine.  I also worry that my hurt will turn into anger.

will it ‘work’ or just cause different problems? Million dollar question, wish I knew the answer 🙂

What about enrolling at fall break or semester?  One of my concerns is that for a variety of reasons, this has been an awful school year academically for my kids.  From about January on, we really only managed to hang on to life, deal with commitments we had made, and try to give each other some grace.  Pretty much only ‘life learning’ going on.  I do not think the kids are ‘behind’ because of this because we had really been quite advanced to start.  So they might have not gained much, but they are still ‘average’ academically.  However, this does need to stop.  Last January I almost enrolled the DD into the local public junior high, basically because I could see the writing on the wall of what was coming (and did in fact come to be, here we are) and I was thinking that might stop the academic stagnation that was coming. At that time, DH basically told me that I was just down in the pits, and that he was saying no as the dad, that he thought we should just ‘unschool’ them and get through the rough patch.  What I did not realize, was that in his mind, they were both for sure going to a private school in the fall. What I took away from the conversation instead was that he wanted to support me in homeschooling them.

[HSMWB]

I wanted to say thank you for the many thoughtful replies and things to think about.  I really really appreciate it.

[Rosie_0801]

To answer the thread title, you ""get over it" by being a zombie.