How do single parents function?

[Pen]

 

28 minutes ago, Lecka said:

The biggest thing is to not get behind.  It is very, very hard to catch up from being behind.  There is never that day to catch up.  It’s better to just make sure the minimums are done every day.  

 

 

I think this is totally true!

However, as a single parent who also has a chronic illness with flares, my experience is that I did get behind.  

I think that’s where some margins, lowering of expectations, and giving oneself grace needs to come into play.

 

Do you, or does anyone, have suggestions for not getting behind  especially on days when illness is flaring, and a pet needs vet, and child is sent to emergency room with appendicitis...

 

Do you,  or does anyone, have suggestions for getting caught back up when one is behind?

 

 

[maize]

I'm not a single parent, but I do solo parent most of the time because of my husband's disabilities.

I feel like one of the hardest parts of that is that my own weaknesses seem to be magnified without a spouse who is able to compensate with complementary strengths. Finding other ways to compensate or adapt is necessary. I'm not good at creating structure and my kids need some structure, this is one reason we have done a lot of outside activities and in some cases put the kids in school where someone else is providing structure. I'm horrible at keeping things orderly at home, I try to keep the clutter down and hire someone to come in once a week and get some basic cleaning done. 

I'm always juggling too many balls, I feel the best I can do is to be strategic about which ones I let drop on any given day/week. Most stuff isn't critical--a kid can be late to school or miss an extra day of school, we don't have to make it to every scheduled dance class, lunch can be frozen pizza, if a kindergartner doesn't get their homework turned in it isn't the end of the world, if the lawn doesn't get mowed three weeks in a row the sky won't fall. I try to stay on top of the more important stuff--arrange and attend IEP meetings, stay in touch with teachers as necessary, get the kids to the doctor and dentist, get people to church most Sundays, get the taxes filed, pay attention to my kids and try to meet their needs, be there to support dh as necessary.

Older kids helping--when they have the maturity to understand a need I think it is mostly a positive thing for them to be able to contribute. I was third in a family of ten children and I remember the year I was 16 and the oldest at home was particularly challenging for my family. We had just moved to a new country, my dad was working in another country and only home on weekends and not every weekend, and my mom was pregnant with my youngest sister. I was getting up, making breakfast, making bread for the family, going to school, coming home and helping with dinner and with the younger kids--and it was busy but the home responsibilities were actually the best part of my life because it felt good to be actively contributing to the family welfare. I wasn't doing well in school and my mom eventually made me stop helping so much at home...and that wasn't a good thing for me. It didn't improve my school performance and I just felt kind of lost. 

Edited June 7, 2019 by maize

[Murphy101]

I sort of agree with routine.  There should be something's that rarely change.  Mass on Sunday, bedtime story before bed, high/low discussion with family before bedtime stories for littles.  That schooling and work and general life does go on and that our purpose changes, but having purpose doesn't.

But otherwise? Screw it.  Go on vacation your husband.  Go on a family vacation.  Go to the zoo, the park when the weather is nice.  Eat ice cream with the teens and chat after the little ones go to bed. Take every advantage of your good days when you have them.  It'll shore you up on the bad days.

One reason I think getting rid of and planning as much as possible helps, is because the simple fact is that stuff all takes time and energy to manage and maintain, the less the better because that makes it easier to not fall behind and easier to get back on track when you do fall behind.  And who are we kidding? We ALL fall behind eventually repeatedly.

Be realistic and cut yourself and the family some slack.

Prioritues.  What matters? Very little REALLY matters.  And the rest doesn't matter at all.

[Murphy101]

And if you are feeling overwhelmed - do have super close friends you can call to help? Sometimes a family member is NOT the best choice to go funeral planning with.  They just can't handle it.  Same goes for clearing out stuff.  But a close trusted friend? They have no emotional investment in that one shoebox that holds your knock knacks from high school and they might be devastated to help you plan a funeral, but they can go to a different house to cry about it.  Family tends to tell you what you should do or what they think they would do.  Sister-friends, the good ones anyways, tend to ask what you need, maybe make some suggestions, and then just do whatever you need.

[Pen]

There are also small things that can help—

in bathroom clock with a timer / alarm, for example helped mornings here.

 

[katilac]

8 hours ago, Pen said:

in bathroom clock with a timer / alarm 

What a good idea. Why is that not a thing? 

[Pen]

13 minutes ago, katilac said:

What a good idea. Why is that not a thing? 

 

I learned of it, sort of a thing, on Executive Function deficit discussion / helpful items lists.

And there are water resistant bathroom clocks made.  

We have a digital one with a single button to push for a 10 minute countdown. Plus time and temperature.  

Less keeping trCk of time stress when I’m the one in shower.  

And no more, “Mom, what time is it?” every 5 minutes or so coming from bathroom—and very rare, “hey, the bus will be here in 10 minutes” to spaced out shower takers.

[katilac]

1 minute ago, Pen said:

We have a digital one with a single button to push for a 10 minute countdown. Plus time and temperature.  

The timer sounds like a cool feature. Do you know which one you have? Is a timer common on, er, bathroom clocks, or is it from a specialty store? 

 

[Mabelen]

 I just wanted to give you a hug. My sister lived with ALS for 7 years. She lost mobility three years into her condition, but kept her voice for 6 years after her diagnosis. We were very fortunate that she lived in Spain, where their universal health care system meant we didn’t have to worry about medical expenses or loss of coverage. As her condition worsened, her disability benefits increased and she was able to cover all her necessary care with that. For the last three years of her life she was cared for at a residential care center. I wish this kind of support system was available in the U.S. too. 

I think one very important thing is figuring out your own care as your condition worsens. Do you have extended family in the area? A church community? An ALS association that could direct you to resources? When you get to the point of losing your voice, having a computerized communication system would be tremendously beneficial for your quality of life and that of your family. If you feel up to it, there are apps that you can use now to bank your voice so that it can be used instead of a synthesized computer voice.

 

[Pen]

1 hour ago, katilac said:

The timer sounds like a cool feature. Do you know which one you have? Is a timer common on, er, bathroom clocks, or is it from a specialty store? 

 

 

[Newest Version] KADAMS Digital... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06ZXRZ36R?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

[kiwik]

On 6/6/2019 at 11:48 AM, katilac said:

I have never encountered a single doctor or dentist who insisted on having the parent in the room. Definitely not dentists! They are like, please do not disrupt our well-oiled machine, lol. And doctors aren't going to blink an eye at the kids 12 and up being by themselves. Flu shots might require parental permission, I seem to recall signing stuff every time my kids had regular vaccinations. 

You made me think of a different one: figure out the Uber/taxi/public transport options. Uber is not supposed to pick up minors, but they do it all the time. Good to know what's available in a pinch. 

I think it depends where you are.  My kid's doctors and dentists expect you to be there or at least nearby.

There are different types of single parents and for many reasons.  Widowed men are the most likely to get help and sympathy, single women the least.  Many of the more annoying problems I have had won't be a problem due to ages.  It was things like needing to decide  whether to wake the toddler or make the baby go without milk (he was 11 months so not going to starve and the milk should have been OK but wasn't).  Or drag my grumpy probably ASD child out in the dark to pick up his brother.  On the other hand I only have two children!  At this point it may be easier to keep the littles home than rush round in all weathers.

[BlsdMama]

On 6/6/2019 at 12:22 AM, Eliana said:

 

(((Kelly)))

But so are the less concrete pieces - patterns of talking about these hard things, of allowing space for everyone to have negative emotions as well as positive ones, to name what's hard, even when there's nothing to do about it, to be angry, to be grumpy, to want things to be easier, and then to work through those emotions and figure out how to do what has to be done.  Skipping to the doing can lead to stuffing emotions down (this is one place where I messed up with my older kids, I think, not creating space for negative emotions, including my own, but modeling a soldiering on that wasn't always healthy).

And also of finding the joy in small moments.  Finding ways to make joy or small pleasures in the middle of hard times is an invaluable skill... as is being able to laugh at the absurdities that come even in the midst of our deepest sorrows.  Encourage those, lean into them, and name what you're doing sometimes - about the importance of laughing, or of finding the small joys.

And creating memories - the photo suggestion is a great one, letters to the kids, etc.  You might also talk with your husband about how to make a space for ongoing remembrance of you.  My older brother died before I was born, but I and my younger siblings grew up with a vivid sense of his presence in our family.  His photos were around, my mother talked about him, and such, but we also celebrated his birthday and lit a candle in his memory once a year.  Little rituals that made space for us to hear stories, to think about him, to look at photos.  You can be a vivid part of your children's lives even after you are gone - only some of my children met my grandmother, and that briefly when they were very young, but most of them feel as if they knew her and as if she were part of their lives.   it's no substitute for the real thing, of course, but it has immense value.

In fostering mindset, I think a big piece isn't who does which labor, it is who owns the planning and the stress.  If the kids are doing lots of the labor, but a parent is making the lists and owning the planning and supporting the kids working, it doesn't feel as much as if they've been dumped with a parent's weight of responsibility.  So, both in how you plan now, and how you help prepare your husband, it might help to have the kids see and hear you owning the planning while involving them in some of the discussions. 

But, and this is the impossibly hard part, you can't carry this for your husband.  It is going to be really challenging for him.  He'll be amazing and it will work out (though balls will be absolutely be dropped), but he's going to have some really rough days and weeks, both practically and emotionally, and he won't have a partner there to help carry it.  Nothing can fix that.  ...but the partnering you do now will he will treasure, the planning you do together, the systems you help set up, all of that will be a gift to him.  But I think you're grieving the parts you can't fix, that you can't carry.

And even more so for your children.  I've seen how hard it is for kids to have a mother with much milder health issues, and though I think you're doing a better, more timely job of facing your challenges and planning for them, it hurts to know that your health, your body, is going to be a source of pain for your children.  And while, yes, I think some mindset can be fostered, our children each have their own journeys and we can't know how they will process a challenge, or what scars it might leave or grief or resentment they might need to feel, or what narratives they might need to frame it in.  If 'my sister raised me' isn't precisely true, but still helps a kid frame her experiences and process the challenges, or even name the loss she might feel, then I don't think it means you fell short of your goals. 

faith-based thoughts ahead, in case anyone wants to skip these:

G-d chose you to be these children's mother, and everything about you, including this health crisis, is part of their path in life as well as yours.  And there is only so much you can shield them from.  You're an amazing mother, you've poured your heart, your love, your time, and your very being into them.  What you *can* do is enough, is better than enough.  It is amazing.  And as your body takes center stage, as you figure out how to say goodbye to your life, and even as you focus inward, your loved ones will carry their memories, the solid conviction of your love, the lessons and examples you've shared, and it will be your turn to be cared for.  And that will be a gift too.  And as you fumble through these stages, your learning and your grief and your striving will leave a powerful, unpredictable imprint on your children's hearts that will help them fulfill their souls' purpose in this world, as will all that preceded it. 

Your love and faith will be a beacon for their hearts, and the labor you are doing now will ease the logistical challenges as much as possible.  You are an amazing woman.  ❤️

 

I shortened this post for quoting and want to really thank you for it - I think this was beautiful and a very mindful "to-do" list from an emotional stand point and I really needed this.  I'm printing it out later.  Thank you.  Yes, I absolutely want to carry it.  Sigh.  I really love my "job" so deeply, profoundly, that it is shockingly hard to give up any piece of it that I can still do, ya know?  

Thankfully, I've actually been writing them notes and letters in their baby books since they were little - just one here and there.  I'm glad I did it now.  

As to the spiritual part - I actually wonder if parts of ALS aren't going to be wonderful.  I know that sounds really awful.  However, keep with me on this.  There are so many things I've wanted to do - write more to the kids, be the sit and listen parent, be the talk less parent, be the always praying parent.  Think how much you become that person when you can't talk!!!!!!  It's the ultimate Mary - ❤️ 

On 6/5/2019 at 3:38 PM, Pen said:

I haven’t been able to read all the replies since I last checked in, but wanted to say even if it’s a repeat:

A friend of mine who died of cancer somehow had a life insurance policy start paying out while she was still alive and things were hardest and most expensive.  There was a special name for doing that, which I cannot recall, but I think it would be worth finding out if your life insurance policy (iirc you wrote you have life insurance) has such an option. 

Yes! One of mine will pay out 50% when I have a year left.  We've called and checked - ALS is one of the diseases for which this counts.   Thank you for mentioning this.  I think this thread could be so potentially useful for so many.

On 6/5/2019 at 4:06 PM, prairiewindmomma said:

This.....and.....accepting help is a way to form community support around your family. If you have good friends who are offering to step in—especially if they have kids the same age as yours—let them. Your kids will likely all need safe people to talk to other than you and your dh....people who will +1 your kids as they go and do things like prom dress shopping.

My best friend moved to Iowa from SC six months ago. ❤️ They are trying to move to our city next as he gets transferred.  Can you even imagine someone loving you like that? I can't.  It makes me cry even typing it.

On 6/5/2019 at 4:31 PM, Tanaqui said:

Oh, here's another thought. Right now, call all your medical professionals and ask if there is any paperwork you can sign so the oldest kids (the ones who aren't adults yet) can go themselves. Even if all they go alone for is things like flu shots and routine dental cleanings and having their braces tightened and getting a note for school because they had a cold, that frees up a lot of time for the grown-ups - who, of course, would still be there for bigger ticket visits.

I'll bet my dentist would do this and my pediatrician! Hm.  I wonder how long before she retires?  Maybe I can squeeze another ten years out of her! 😉 She's been our pediatrician for just slightly under 20 years.....  

On 6/5/2019 at 5:32 PM, kbutton said:

As blunt and awful as the words sound and the reality is, I think that bit of jarring information might need to be communicated to your support network pretty directly. Not to close friends or close family who probably already understand this on some level and are grieving, but potentially to people who are willing to help, but don't get the context. It doesn't have to come from your lips.

You need a sustainable interim plan for an unspecified amount of time (vs. during chemo, recovery from surgery, etc.). That's very unusual. The long-term game plan for your family's practical needs exists, and it is even financed; it's just not accessible in the interim. 

How much you share is your business, but I think if you have the emotional support to be frank, people will embrace the uncertainty of your interim needs.

I think it's reasonable to be bold in your request. 

Perhaps it would be meaningful and kind for you if a friend who's got "connections" is willing to be sort of a case-worker/buffer/advocate for your family and explain the needs and goals you'll have to people vested in helping you. Maybe someone is willing to do that for you, even someone you don't know that well yet. 

So glad a couple of you mentioned this. I don't know the ins and outs either, but I think one of our policies does this.

I think the fundraising option someone brought up is a good idea too. That's something my hometown did well--most people there aren't affluent, but they would do motorcycle rides, raffles, or spaghetti dinners to raise money for practical help or unpaid medical bills. Here, I see go-fund me pages more often. 

This book is not intended for situations like yours, but it is intended to help parents teach children how to run and manage a home and to have an attitude of "we're in this together" about household functioning. It might give you seeds of ideas you can implement even if that idea is just how to pitch these changes to your children in a positive way. It's written from a Christian perspective, which I suspect would be a bonus for you. The entire goal is to help you figure out what works for you, so it's full of anecdotes from all kinds of people, not just the author. The title is a bit jarring, but it's not a harsh book at all. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1258614.Children_Who_Do_Too_Little

So - and you might get a kick out of this, because I sure did....  Our budget for care/help just opened up.  DH has a lot of flexibility in his current role.  It's been really important to me - he can work from where ever we are, through doctor appointments, etc.  It's been great.  However, he has been thinking (now that I'm done with the Mayo goose chase) that we could use less flexibility and increase the financial.  He applied for a new role last week - same company, different role.  Didn't mention it to me at all!   He interviewed on Tuesday.  He got the offer last night and surprised me with it.  Just needed a nod from me and he accepted.  First initial raise comes in two weeks, and again in January.  It will cover what insurance won't for personal and cleaning help a couple times a week.  The company had decided to remove bonuses for mid-management.  This would give that back to him and increase it - that will cover any vehicle/home modifications easily.

I will check out the book - thank you.  I'm glad you added the comments, because yes, I wouldn't have picked up a book with that title! 😉 


 

On 6/5/2019 at 6:43 PM, Pen said:

Single parenting issue related: 

 

1) one thing to know is that there seems often to be more societal help for men doing this than women — that should help your dh

2) don’t try to figure out too much too much in advance.  For example, one friend who died had me promise that I’d be available to help her daughter get her first bras and understand about  relationships and sexuality when the time came for that—but by that time the widowed husband was remarried to someone who seemed like a nice stepmother, not a wicked stepmother, and it seemed to make much more sense for the stepmother to do those things.  Though certainly I’m available if needed, and try to check on how my friend’s dd is doing from time to time.

3) otoh, do try to make decisions about funeral etc yourself ahead of time. My son’s biological father died this past December. It was hard enough to get a call at 2AM that he’d died, but things he’d done in advance to set up after death arrangements made a huge difference. He’d already chosen cremation and what funeral home, and that the ashes would be sent to his bio (my adoptive) son.  Huge, huge, huge lessening of stress and decision making came from that prearrangement.  Things not set up in advance are still problems and stressors I’m dealing with.

 

I think these are really important things to take note of - thanks.  I hadn't thought of it, but yes, I think you're right about more help for DH than a woman - odd when you think about it, but probably especially so much so with girls.  I think my sister would also help in this role.

On 6/5/2019 at 9:28 PM, Ottakee said:

It is hard, super duper hard....and I only have 3 and they are older.

If you can find someone now to help run errands that would free up your time and energy for the more nurturing parenting things.  Is there someone that can run the kids to practices (and you attend games/performances), the dentist, the eye doctor, routine medical, etc.   That could be huge. 

 

Yeah, I can't imagine who would do this?  His mom isn't the one who would be up for errands on her own.  My mom still works.  All of our families still work really - brothers, sisters, etc.   My only goal is to keep them utterly up to date until I can't so that he can let things go for a while, you know?

On 6/5/2019 at 9:32 PM, Pen said:

 

There are a bunch of wonderful ideas (I may be adopting some!) in posts above. 

Being eternally “on”— I think it’s important to find some way to, even if very rarely, not be completely “on”.  I don’t know what that will look like in your family’s case.  Maybe someone from your church to come over and be “on” every so often.  But I think it’s important to think of some way to have “off” time—as much as an involved caring parent can ever be “off”. 

If you think it possible, a time when you and your husband go somewhere to be “off” for a weekend or so (especially while you are still relatively well), leaving the kids in charge (or perhaps not including the very youngest and 14yo with ODD on a first trial—or maybe he’d really step up, who knows) could be helpful to determine what skills are lacking and what problems would need addressing.  Think Farmer Boy by Laura Ingalls Wilder where Almanzo’s parents leave for ? days.   I would plan and practice and brainstorm in advance. Not just a cold turkey thing.  And I’d try to make it an exciting adventure!

I have no idea about your exact situation, but I’d probably gravitate to putting early highschooler and maybe middle schoolers in school.  Why?

well 1) it tends to be harder to move from homeschooling into high school part way through 2) older kids are usually better at getting themselves ready for school (and even though  adhd / ODD kid may not be he probably needs the practice) 3) big kids already got a lot of mom time while you were well, I’d want little kids to get more intense good mom time now. 

 

Try to think of it as them becoming competent adults, a good thing.  I’d also say things to littlest about helping bigger sad able to do that.  Part of the all pulling together idea.  So oldest ones don’t end up feeling like servants of the littles.  Ideas like now Name is carrying your suitcase, but someday when you’re bigger you’ll be able to carry heavy things for Name.  

I’d consider having 3 teams of 3 for some things that need doing around the house with the 3 oldest the team leaders (yes even the 14yo with difficulties if at all possible) —Say 14, 12, 10 together,  17, 4,  8 together, and 15, 9, 6. — to help each other out, and have rotating responsibilities for things like meal planning and preparation and clean up; various aspects of house cleaning; etc

I think you're voicing something we used to be very mindful of - using the youngest who was capable of the task to DO the task, while using olders as coaches.  It's easy to get away from that mindset and I think we will need to be very intentional to foster that mindset.  Thanks for adding that.

So, in personality tests?  DH is wholly centered on duty.  I cannot fathom him EVER taking a day off.  He feels guilty about business travel - not kidding.  He has no idea how to do anything 50% or 75% or even 99% if I were going to be honest.  I love that about him - I admire it.  It also makes me worry about his stress level!

[fairfarmhand]

On the errands things---I know you said your siblings worked. However, they DO go grocery shopping for their own families. Why not have them pick up your Walmart online orders while they're there? Why not have them pick up or drop off your dry cleaning when they do their own. It would be a huge help to have these things taken off your dh. 

Have you been frank about your condition with them?

I have a friend who deals with a chronic illness. When she's having a rough week, I always offer to pick things up for her when I go to Walmart. 

You may need an email at some point to your siblings, in-laws, and close friends talking about your prognosis, and potential helps that people can sign up to do CONSISTENTLY. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Most people do want to do SOMETHING. They can't make you better. They can't take away the hurt that you and your family are experiencing. When looking at the huge heartache your family is facing, most people WANT to be able to pick up a kid from youth group, grab your prescriptions, go on field trips with your kids, ANYTHING. Because that's all they CAN do. Don't tell yourself that they're "too busy." Many people will find a way to help you even in the busyness of their every day lives.

In the Book I mentioned previously, (Just Show Up) the friend mentioned that she was a "coordinator". She was the one who managed the helpers. She knew who was picking up this kid from soccer practice, who had the dry cleaning, who was coming to scrub the toilets so that the dad in the sick lady's family didn't even have to think about it. You may need someone to take on this role for you,

[Pen]

Get whatever you can, groceries, clothes, to come to you by UPS or similar to cut down shopping.  

Put bill payment etc on automatic as much as possible

 

[Pen]

If a friend neighbor etc has children going to same doctor dentist as yours—see if your children can go with theirs for routine visits while your husband is at work—possibly using phone or video methods to communicate with the doctor or nurse.   

[Pen]

 

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

So, in personality tests?  DH is wholly centered on duty.  I cannot fathom him EVER taking a day off.  He feels guilty about business travel - not kidding.  He has no idea how to do anything 50% or 75% or even 99% if I were going to be honest.  I love that about him - I admire it.  It also makes me worry about his stress level!

 

Ok, wow, commendable!    but what if taking off with you is presented as part of good parenting to teach them skills and learn what skills they are lacking so that those skills can be worked on— like training wheels on a bike stage 

[Pen]

Former Neighbors of mine (kids all grown now) did that when their oldest of 5 was only 14.  The first time the parents went only around half an hour away to a b&b — asked me to call them if anything seemed over loud or out of control (or, of course, 911 if needed) and called me a few times for reassurance that there seemed to be no obvious problems of screams or smoke smells.  Clearly the parents were far more anxious than the kids.  

[BlsdMama]

57 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

 

Ok, wow, commendable!    but what if taking off with you is presented as part of good parenting to teach them skills and learn what skills they are lacking so that those skills can be worked on— like training wheels on a bike stage 

Lol, I keep getting focused on the after.  No, I can talk him into going anywhere with me. 😉 He’s a very good dad, but he’s a great husband. He “takes time off” to do things, but it’s really just more responsibility. Maybe it’s a mindset. He is leaving this month for a week long canoe trip and hike with our middle son in a dad/son group. It isn’t time “off,” as he will be in full manage mode for organizing boys, food, etc. 

He’s a man with a mission... all the time - at work and at home, with one exception - movies. So what we’re saying is I need to buy him 36 x $10 movie tickets and put them in an envelope for After.... making him promise to take a night off once a month? I like the idea. 😉

[LucyStoner]

I think most people do what they have to do, especially with regards to their children.  

Special needs parents get told a lot “I couldn’t do what you do”.  When people tell me that I’m always like “what wouldn’t you do?”  When dealing with your child, really and truly, most people will do what they need to do.  

It’s clearly hard to be a single parent but if in that situation, I think most people rise to the challenge the best they can.  

[LucyStoner]

One of my nicest friends is a single parent to three by choice.  She hit 35, knew motherhood was something that was very important to her but wasn’t willing to stay with a bad partner to have kids in a couple.  So she used a sperm bank.  She’s fantastic and while it is hard, she went into it eyes wide open.  

She also says she basically orders EVERYTHING online. 

Edited June 7, 2019 by LucyStoner

[Pen]

21 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

Lol, I keep getting focused on the after.  No, I can talk him into going anywhere with me. 😉 He’s a very good dad, but he’s a great husband. He “takes time off” to do things, but it’s really just more responsibility. Maybe it’s a mindset. He is leaving this month for a week long canoe trip and hike with our middle son in a dad/son group. It isn’t time “off,” as he will be in full manage mode for organizing boys, food, etc. 

He’s a man with a mission... all the time - at work and at home, with one exception - movies. So what we’re saying is I need to buy him 36 x $10 movie tickets and put them in an envelope for After.... making him promise to take a night off once a month? I like the idea. 😉

 

Yep, that is a good idea! 

“Off” really would be whatever recharges him, so if a camping trip with kids does so, that’s fine too.  

[G5052]

2 hours ago, LucyStoner said:

She also says she basically orders EVERYTHING online. 

 

That's me. Between online grocery ordering, Walmart ordering, and Amazon, I rarely actually go shopping.

[Pen]

2 hours ago, LucyStoner said:

One of my nicest friends is a single parent to three by choice.  She hit 35, knew motherhood was something that was very important to her but wasn’t willing to stay with a bad partner to have kids in a couple.  So she used a sperm bank.  She’s fantastic and while it is hard, she went into it eyes wide open.  

She also says she basically orders EVERYTHING online. 

 

1 minute ago, G5052 said:

 

That's me. Between online grocery ordering, Walmart ordering, and Amazon, I rarely actually go shopping.

 

We’re too rural for grocery food delivery, but everything else , that’s me too, and I’d make use of grocery delivery if we had it

[kbutton]

4 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

On the errands things---I know you said your siblings worked. However, they DO go grocery shopping for their own families. Why not have them pick up your Walmart online orders while they're there? Why not have them pick up or drop off your dry cleaning when they do their own. It would be a huge help to have these things taken off your dh. 

I think this is a great idea--I tend to run my errands when I'm already out for something else. It would be really easy to pick up extra. You might have to flex on whether you get your milk from one store or another, but getting into a habit of having a standing order or consistently texting a friend with a "what can I pick up" notice every week would be very, very do-able. (ETA: Do-able for the person helping out.)

If volume is an issue due to your family size, using something like Kroger Ship (I just found out about this--not sure if it's new, or I'm slow) for consistently needed non-perishables would cut down on that considerably. Kroger Ship is free for orders over $35, and they had stuff they don't offer in store. They also had some things for less $$$ than in store. I was super pleased with my first order. Anyway, that might give someone who's already going to have groceries enough leeway to consistently offer to pick up fresh stuff.

Your kids might find some fun in taking pantry inventories to make this easier too, particularly if they had a list for consistently used/needed items.

5 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

So - and you might get a kick out of this, because I sure did....  Our budget for care/help just opened up.  DH has a lot of flexibility in his current role.  It's been really important to me - he can work from where ever we are, through doctor appointments, etc.  It's been great.  However, he has been thinking (now that I'm done with the Mayo goose chase) that we could use less flexibility and increase the financial.  He applied for a new role last week - same company, different role.  Didn't mention it to me at all!   He interviewed on Tuesday.  He got the offer last night and surprised me with it.  Just needed a nod from me and he accepted.  First initial raise comes in two weeks, and again in January.  It will cover what insurance won't for personal and cleaning help a couple times a week.  The company had decided to remove bonuses for mid-management.  This would give that back to him and increase it - that will cover any vehicle/home modifications easily.

How wonderful! 

3 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

He’s a man with a mission... all the time - at work and at home, with one exception - movies. So what we’re saying is I need to buy him 36 x $10 movie tickets and put them in an envelope for After.... making him promise to take a night off once a month? I like the idea. 😉

That's a wonderful idea.

My dad is like your husband--he just goes and goes and shows his love through acts of service/duty. If he has a good book and something to watch on Netflix at the end of the day, he's super happy. The only time it stresses him out to be so giving is when people take advantage or criticize. I think it's great to guard your DH's boundaries, but it's going to be beautiful to see him exercise his God-given talents and gifts in this area. 

Edited June 7, 2019 by kbutton
clarification

[kiwik]

14 hours ago, LucyStoner said:

One of my nicest friends is a single parent to three by choice.  She hit 35, knew motherhood was something that was very important to her but wasn’t willing to stay with a bad partner to have kids in a couple.  So she used a sperm bank.  She’s fantastic and while it is hard, she went into it eyes wide open.  

She also says she basically orders EVERYTHING online. 

When I can I get a 3 month subscription for grocery delivery.  It is worth every cent. If you are too rural is it possible to get it delivered closer to you, a friend or relatives? It would still save time especially if that person would agree to bring them the rest of the way.

Edited June 8, 2019 by kiwik

[DawnM]

15 hours ago, LucyStoner said:

One of my nicest friends is a single parent to three by choice.  She hit 35, knew motherhood was something that was very important to her but wasn’t willing to stay with a bad partner to have kids in a couple.  So she used a sperm bank.  She’s fantastic and while it is hard, she went into it eyes wide open.  

She also says she basically orders EVERYTHING online. 

 

Yes, this.  I have a friend who just simply never married, although she has wanted to.  She is a very high powered exec and probably a little intimidating to some men (she is a very kind person but just a very high achiever).    She has adopted 4 kids.    She is 64 and her kids are 19, 16, 15, and 12.  

She just does what she has to do.  When they were younger, she did have help because she works so much, she needed someone to pick up kids, watch them, etc.....but now, she does it all herself.

Simpler meals......salmon on a baking sheet, rice in the rice cooker, pre-made salad......that kind of thing.

You just do what you have to do and do the best you can.

[Pen]

 

Quote

If volume is an issue due to your family size, using something like Kroger Ship (I just found out about this--not sure if it's new, or I'm slow) for consistently needed non-perishables would cut down on that considerably. Kroger Ship is free for orders over $35, and they had stuff they don't offer in store. They also had some things for less $$$ than in store. I was super pleased with my first order. Anyway, that might give someone who's already going to have groceries enough leeway to consistently offer to pick up fresh stuff.

 

 

4 hours ago, kiwik said:

When I can I get a 3 month subscription for grocery delivery.  It is worth every cent. If you are too rural is it possible to get it delivered closer to you, a friend or relatives? It would still save time especially if that person would agree to bring them the rest of the way.

 

I don’t think my area has these things, but @BlsdMama should find out what her area has, and whatever systems would make things easier now would probably help for dad later  single parenting too.

I find Amazon Prime very helpful.   Out of tea? low on toilet paper? Need school supplies? order and most things do arrive for us in 2 days.  If in a city it might be even better with speed and Fresh availability.   Before Internet shopping and Prime, I already used catalog shopping and phone orders a lot, and kept stocked up on things like toilet paper.   KonMari ing and minimizing is good to a point, But, One cannot get creative about TP on a septic system ☺️    

I’m working on decluttering and KonMari g my home (wanna join me?) —  

but that concept of Margins is really important.  

Being sick and being single one needs to have _____ that one needs when needed and not be right on the edge.  

With my Mom as a single working parent in a demanding job, we used to go grocery shopping at odd hours when store nearly empty of people and stock up on things  , everything but fresh food for several months ahead.  I still do that to some degree, I get TP in huge cases sent from Amazon (have a basement where it can go), buy a full year supply at a time of heater filters, probably about 3 months of laundry detergent.  And then replenish about half way through the last package.  ... 

Some things that were very hard for my mom as a single mom like clothes shopping — or like a last minute need for poster board for a school project or needing to go to library to do reasearch—we manage via Prime or other online sources for clothes, supplies, or having some “stuff” on hand, and Internet has pretty much replaced needing to go to library. 

 Prime Wardrobe has been a help—repacking returns and sending them back is a bit of a pain, but much easier for me than going to stores.  I guess I could also have dc do the repacking of items that were rejected but haven’t so far. 

And Instantpot has been helpful as a single parent. (I suppose a microwave would be too, but I avoid them for health reasons.) 

Edited June 8, 2019 by Pen

[Pen]

With a big family, you probably already do this, but I cook larger quantities than I need and if there’s extra freeze it.  Like if we make something like French toast (which isn’t that often), we will do several loaves of bread cooked on cookie sheets in oven a lot at a time, then freeze individual portions, sometimes of various sizes—papa bear, mama bear, teen bear,and baby bear—in wax paper sandwich bags within a large plastic bag.  such that even a capable 5yo can get out a portion bag worth and reheat the contents in oven.   I also have other sorts of fairly easy home precooked foods in freezer 

Example: I usually do cheese on bread open face in oven rather than “grilled cheese” and again do a whole cookie sheet at a time.   With your size family I expect you’d need 4-6 cookie sheets worth at a time to have any left over.   Not that cheese on bread is especially difficult in first place, but it cuts down the doing and clean up.   (I actually do some as just cheddar cheese, some as pepper jack, some with tomato slices, somecwith tomato slices and meat...)

Fewer larger loads of laundry instead of many small ones is similar concept— like perhaps thevkid team idea used such that instead of each kid learning to do their own in a separate load, combine in groups for fewer loads total.  And have each do what they can, for example a small child can transfer items from washer to drier if it’s a front loader at their level. 

We have almost nothing that requires special care due to color bleed, delicate, etc.  most everything except dress up clothing can be laundered together. 

Edited June 8, 2019 by Pen

[bethben]

I would personally put everyone in school and get used to that routine.  Yes, it's a really hard morning to get everyone going, but if you're looking at them having to make that transition eventually, it may be easier for everyone to get used to one thing at a time.  Just having the stress of your failing health/possibly not being able to talk AND having to go to school as a result of that all together is a lot of change.  While it's not the same, I had to send my last remaining two to school because of the stress it took on me taking care of their older disabled brother.  It is not my ideal and there was a definite mourning that took place on my part, but I, as a healthy woman, could not take care of all the stuff that goes with taking care of someone with a disability AND homeschool just two children.  And yes, there is a lot of chaos that involves having to get children to school in the morning and homework after school, but just not having the responsibility for their education has helped reduce my stress levels quite a bit.  You need to reduce the load you are carrying in any way you can.  That may mean sending everyone to school.  Sometimes, we have to acknowledge that while we "can" do something still, maybe we shouldn't.  

[katilac]

On 6/7/2019 at 11:19 AM, BlsdMama said:

My best friend moved to Iowa from SC six months ago. ❤️ They are trying to move to our city next as he gets transferred.  Can you even imagine someone loving you like that? I can't.  It makes me cry even typing it.

That's amazing and wonderful and amazing 💙💚🧡💜

On 6/7/2019 at 12:32 PM, fairfarmhand said:

 .You may need an email at some point to your siblings, in-laws, and close friends talking about your prognosis, and potential helps that people can sign up to do CONSISTENTLY.  

From the helper's point of view, I know that I am a person who would much prefer a consistent assignment that I could build into my routine. Not that I wouldn't help as needed, of course, but "pick up Walmart order and deliver every Thursday" is easier than doing different things all the time. So I would be happy if someone made a list and asked if anyone wanted to pick something to do routinely. 

If you feel funny sending the email yourself, have a sibling or close friend do it. The one who is the most organized, lol. 

 

[PeterPan]

On June 5, 2019 at 2:09 PM, BlsdMama said:

It is my DH becoming single I am trying to help while I still can. 

When my SIL passed, she knew and had time, and she used that time to set my BIL up for success with his future wife. She made a very tight will that gave away things that would hinder him from moving on. I would assume your dh will remarry and I think it's something you can do, setting him up to do well with the next phase of his life, being emotionally able to take those steps. 

I'm sorry that's even the discussion, and I think it's brave and wonderful that you're thinking this way. Your oldest kids will step up and deal with things like clothing, etc. I don't think the house needs to be better than it is now. You're already happy and ok. I would do things that only you can do/decide or things that will be an emotional burden to him later if you don't.