Adoption---how close to you is this...family, friends, social circle

[Jenny in Florida]

20 hours ago, happysmileylady said:

I did know of a person, a long time ago, who gave a child up for adoption, which isn't on your poll.  

 

I noticed that, too. One of my brothers-in-law fathered a child with a girl I knew when we were teens, and the baby was given up for adoption. She has reconnected with my husband's family recently.

I have a friend at work who is adopted, and we've known several families over the years who adopted children.

[Arcadia]

My maternal grandma adopted a neighbor’s baby with the same last name (though not related) as the child’s family ask my grandma to adopt. That was just after World War Two and my maternal grandparents were financially comfortable. Most people outside the neighborhood won’t realize though. 

Edited February 11, 2019 by Arcadia

[TheReader]

I had/have a brother that was adopted. 

I also have cousins who were adopted, friends who have adopted children, acquaintances who have adopted children....

Then also I have/know of a handful of families where one parent adopted the spouse's child(ren) beyond just becoming their stepparent. I find it a little astounding that there exist still people who haven't had contact with adoption in some form or fashion.....

[MEmama]

I don't think I know of anyone who has adopted or has been adopted, although I'm not sure how it would ever even come up in conversation. Like honestly, I can't begin to imagine why I would know unless I was really, really close to someone. 

[LucyStoner]

One of my uncles and his wife adopted.  

My aunt has placed 2 children for adoption.  

Numerous friends either were adopted or have adopted.  

[Ravin]

12 hours ago, ondreeuh said:

Oh geez, I answered the poll and read replies before it dawned on me that I am adopted. I was legally adopted by my stepmother as a young adult so it’s not a common adoption situation, and it’s not something I often think about. I wasn’t “given up” and didn’t have a birth family vs. adoptive family dynamic. 

And it took until JUST NOW after writing the paragraph above to remember that my daughter was adopted by my husband when she was five. It was 18 years ago and he is the only father she’s ever had, so not something I think about. LOL!

 

This (2nd parent adoption) is actually a very common adoption scenario.

I have 2 adopted siblings. I may have more if my 2 adult foster siblings who have thought about it actually decide to go through with asking my mom to adopt them. I hope they do!

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm betting people who don't know of anyone being adopted or a birth parent who placed a child for adoption actually do know people who are adopted and birth parents, it just never came up in conversation. There are sub-cultures that are anti-adoption, but if they're more than a generation or two removed from being immigrants that attitude has likely faded. Maybe living in a very isolated, rural US community could increase the chances of not actually knowing any adoptees, but it's hard to imagine.  That same community just might be less likely to openly discuss an adoption.  

[RootAnn]

I voted "extended social circle" as I can't think of a relative or close friend who has adopted.

Growing up, one of my mom's best friends had an adopted child among her many bio-kids. Her (bio) kids all thought they were better than our family, so I wouldn't consider any of them my friends - ever.

One of my best friends from high school adopted at least one son from another country, but by then we'd fallen out of touch. I don't even get a Christmas card from her anymore. *sniff* That's the only reason I know she adopted - from a Christmas letter many years ago.

Our across-the-street neighbors adopted two kids, but we don't run in their social circle.

A couple or two from church adopted foster kids, but again, no close friends in this group.

Fostering kids is currently de rigueur around here, so there is a lot of that. (All the "popular people" went to classes & got certified together, it seems.) But they don't usually adopt the kids. 

ETA: I forgot. One of my boyfriend's best friends got an acquaintance of mine pregnant. The dad was going to be hands-on, but his family put severe pressure on him to disavow the kid. He went to college planning to come home at Christmas & help her but didn't. I thought he was better than that, but it turned out I was wrong.  She gave the kid up for adoption.

Edited February 12, 2019 by RootAnn
forgot one

[Denise in IN]

Interesting question.  Adoption has been a part of my entire life.  Both of my siblings were adopted and I have adopted cousins.  Our youngest chid was brought into our family through adoption, we have close friends who have adopted, and our church has many adoptive families.  Adoption has been such a part of my life that it feels like the norm rather than the exception. 😎

[LarlaB]

Both of my sisters have adopted- one due to infertility, the other because of calling/desire to add to family.
I also have adopted cousins. 

Also good friends with family that fosters to adopt.

BUT I know many people who have no real connection to adoption. 

[mom@shiloh]

Well, I was going to say that I don't think that I know anyone who has to real connection to adoption, but duh; if I know them , then of course, they have a connection to adoption.

Half of my children are adopted, I have nephews and nieces who are adopted and who have adopted, siblings who have adopted, many, many friends who have adopted. In fact, I can scarcely think of anyone in my social circle, church or family who isn't connected to adoption. Two of my dd's and one dil have worked full time in adoption or foster care. Seriously, it just permeates my entire life experience. 

[Hilltopmom]

13 hours ago, MEmama said:

I don't think I know of anyone who has adopted or has been adopted, although I'm not sure how it would ever even come up in conversation. Like honestly, I can't begin to imagine why I would know unless I was really, really close to someone. 

Not trying to be snarky, I promise.

Well as far as people who have adopted recently- you’d know because one day they don’t have kids and aren’t pregnant and then all of a sudden they do 🙂

for foster to adopt which is our most common scenario around here, it’s a long drawn out process and usually even casual co workers would know.. or they go from zero kids to three overnight 😉 or their children are not the same ethnicity as they are (that doesn’t necessarily mean they adopted but often)

Adoptive parents don’t necessarily go around announcing our kids are adopted, but sometimes it’s obviously likely.

[HS Mom in NC]

12 hours ago, RootAnn said:

Fostering kids is currently de rigueur around here, so there is a lot of that. (All the "popular people" went to classes & got certified together, it seems.) But they don't usually adopt the kids.

You should refrain from assigning motives to other people's adoption situations.  Just because it's more common that it used to be doesn't automatically mean it's perceived by those doing it as fashionable.

[RootAnn]

I should, you are right. In my current living area, however, I will continue to believe that "fashion" is why certain particular couples went through the (admittedly arduous) process. I know of at least one couple who started and dropped out where the wife admitted social motives when she disappointedly couldn't finish. And, I will repeat that these aren't adoption situations. They are foster parenting where no adoptions have occurred. (A couple families fostered-to-adopt but I am not including them in my motive-assigning. They have been donating their love as foster parents since my kids were little.)

I dislike that people could be using these kids as pawns in their social game. In other aspects of life these women are piranhas, schemers, and back-stabbers. This causes me to highly doubt their motives are pure.

[HS Mom in NC]

38 minutes ago, RootAnn said:

I should, you are right. In my current living area, however, I will continue to believe that "fashion" is why certain particular couples went through the (admittedly arduous) process. I know of at least one couple who started and dropped out where the wife admitted social motives when she disappointedly couldn't finish. And, I will repeat that these aren't adoption situations. They are foster parenting where no adoptions have occurred. (A couple families fostered-to-adopt but I am not including them in my motive-assigning. They have been donating their love as foster parents since my kids were little.)

I dislike that people could be using these kids as pawns in their social game. In other aspects of life these women are piranhas, schemers, and back-stabbers. This causes me to highly doubt their motives are pure.

Depending on the state, adopting through foster care can be harder than in other states. It was almost impossible to adopt a foster child in AZ back when we were looking at our options.  Of the 24 foster situations of people who had older kids, were told those kids were available for adoption, who were qualified to adopt them, and who tried to adopt them, only 3 succeeded.  All the others went to extended relatives. Are you assuming they were all just "popular people" who had whatever "social motives" that one lady you mention had?  Some foster parents specifically get into respite and other temporary situations due to different circumstances.  Even kids who are stuck between their bio-parents' termination of rights/reunification after intervention and the limbo of extended family being sought out and vetted for placement (who, in many states, are given legal preference over foster parents who are willing to adopt them) need homes.  Somebody has to do that temporary job.  It's just as legitimate a job as adopting.  I owe a deep deep debt to the foster mom in S.Korea who had no intention of adopting my youngest daughter. She did a great job whatever her motives were.

The stated goals of US foster care are in order:
1. Reunification of foster children with their bio-parent(s) after the bio-parent(s) have received and responded to intervention services.
2. Place foster children with other bio-family members after a willing party has been located and background checked.
3. Allow the foster children to be adopted by their foster parents.
If you're not seeing adoptions, it's likely because 1 and 2 are happening.

When we're farther away from things, the simpler they appear.  The closer we get to them, the more we understand their complexity.

Edited February 12, 2019 by Homeschool Mom in AZ

[Jean in Newcastle]

4 hours ago, Hilltopmom said:

Not trying to be snarky, I promise.

Well as far as people who have adopted recently- you’d know because one day they don’t have kids and aren’t pregnant and then all of a sudden they do 🙂

for foster to adopt which is our most common scenario around here, it’s a long drawn out process and usually even casual co workers would know.. or they go from zero kids to three overnight 😉 or their children are not the same ethnicity as they are (that doesn’t necessarily mean they adopted but often)

Adoptive parents don’t necessarily go around announcing our kids are adopted, but sometimes it’s obviously likely.

This is somewhat an age thing. All of my peers have grown children and grandchildren. Any adoption in the family was done long ago. I know of adoptions because I knew them when they were young, but new acquaintances won’t know. And I don’t know their grown children or grandchildren well enough to know if children “appear “ without pregnancy. 

[MEmama]

9 hours ago, Hilltopmom said:

Not trying to be snarky, I promise.

Well as far as people who have adopted recently- you’d know because one day they don’t have kids and aren’t pregnant and then all of a sudden they do 🙂

for foster to adopt which is our most common scenario around here, it’s a long drawn out process and usually even casual co workers would know.. or they go from zero kids to three overnight 😉 or their children are not the same ethnicity as they are (that doesn’t necessarily mean they adopted but often)

Adoptive parents don’t necessarily go around announcing our kids are adopted, but sometimes it’s obviously likely.

Oh sure. You don't sound snarky. :)

I don't have any family that is adopted (that I know of) or friends who adopted kids (that I know of). I was just thinking outside those obvious situations, it probably wouldn't be likely that a friend now would bring up whether they had been adopted, or (because I'm well past the age where small children might suddenly appear) whether their kids were adopted. I mean, it seems mighty personal and just not likely to come up at this stage of my life. 

I'm probably not putting this very clearly. Honestly this is the longest I've ever even thought about adoption at all. Lol

[Hilltopmom]

I gotcha. You’re right, past a certain age, it’s not likely to come up.

 

[Splash1]

I am an adoptive parent of five children all were adopted from Korea

My cousin has three children she adopted from Russia.

A lot of our friends we've made through the years have adopted children,  internationally, private adoptions, domestic adoptions, foster adoptions.

Lots of adults tell us they were adopted when they meet our family,  they don't tell everyone, not a secret just doesn't come up. 

I had friends who were adopted in high school and college.

My grandfather grew up in an orphanage/children's home and had a family interested in adopting him but his grandmother said no. He was a big influence on me and my views of adoption.  He'd always say he wished his grandmother had let him be adopted. (she never visited or kept in contact after dropping him off at 2)  He'd say kids need a family.

Kids pediatrician is currently in process of adopting

Funny, one of our friends daughters was having a rough time and she was sad and telling her mom that she was the only one adopted that she knew, my dd (adopted from Korea) was her best friend.  She was surrounded by adoption, our circle of friends included six adoptive families that got together regularly,  but for some reason she just couldn't see it.