7-7 Update in original post....Is getting a stent put in the heart major surgery or more of a procedure?

[Tap]

My mom is having this done soon and I am not sure if I should travel to see her white it is being done or not. What I read online seems more like a procedure and it people are released from the hospital in 12 to 24 hours and can be back to work in a couple of days. Other sites say full recovery can be weeks.  My mom is 78 a smoker with COPD, physically healthy, with no prior heart issues and no daily meds other than inhalers. She has people to take care of her after the stent is put in.

I do not want to travel if  this is just a simple procedure. Partly for my own selfish reasons, but also because I am not close to my family and don't want to spend time with them and visa versa. It is a 3 hour drive each way, so a day trip is doable and cost isn't a problem but it will take up 1-2 of my 3 free days on my vacation.  I have 3 sisters, a niece and a brother who will be there (live in the same town).  My dd11 is the bio-daughter of my niece and granddaughter to one sister. DD11 was removed from my nieces care and placed in foster care. I have had dd11 since she was 5mo old. A lot of the family drama is a result of me having dd11 and the very firm boundaries I keep regarding her care. (They can come see her but they have to do the traveling and it will be supervised visits) They haven't seen her since she was 2-4 years old.  I will be expected to be there for the stent, but not welcomed. My niece and sister live with my mom. I am not allowed to go to her home since they live there, so I will have to stay at the hospital and once she is released, I will drive back home.  I 100% do not agree with how 3 of the 6 people live their lives and I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut, and I don't want to make things worse. I don't want to go into it here, but I promise it isn't just life choice. It involves ongoing mental abuse of my mom (by my niece/sister), illegal activities and extensive drug use.  But my mom won't kick them out, so she continues to perpetuate the situation. 

WWYD? go anyways or send a card/flowers?

UPDATE=I finally found out that my mom had a stress test and she doesn't have a blockage at all and doesn't need a stent. SO, I asked her what caused the problem in the first place. She said she was asleep and wok up coughing and with a burning throat. She has my niece and sister call the paramedics. They arrive and take my mom from the house and on to the front porch where they do her evaluation. They say there is a very strong irritating odor in the house. They told my niece and sister, that they were taking my mom to the hospital and that they needed to leave the house too. My niece and sister refuse to leave the house.....because they knew what the problem was, but no one bothers to tell the paramedics.  My niece had sprayed bear repellent/pepper spray in the house!!!! (((Me banging my head on the wall))))  No one told the ER doc this, so he naturally thought the labored breathing and other symptoms were due to a cardiac event and thus....the stent.  What kind of stupidity can lead to spraying bear repellent in the house.....of someone who has COPD.....in a city with zero bears aside from the zoo!!!!  They don't live in a rural area or up against a forested area so that you could think, well maybe they have it for protection, and it fired accidentally. OI!!!!!!  This is why I stay away.  Really!  Seriously! What person doesn't tell the paramedics or the ER personnel, that they were just exposed to pepper spray if they CANT breath!!!!!  UUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!! Even when she called me at work on Saturday to tell me about the upcoming procedure, she didn't mention this extremely vital piece of information!! My family is so full of the stupidest drama, it wouldn't even make a goodon a soap opera

[Annie G]

Dh went in for a stent and ended up with six of them. Went home the next day and recovery was quick. 

Stent procedures that go smoothly are no big deal and they rarely seem to go wrong. Honestly it sounds like you will be criticized no matter what you do. In this situation I’d stay home. I have decided that if I can avoid drama I will. This sounds like certain drama. 

I’m sorry. she’s your mom and it stinks that those living w her are not nice. Mean people suck. 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

The procedure is iffy.  It can be utterly smooth or...not.

Afterwards I think the standard of care is to have cardiac rehab (supervised cardio exercise on the hospital premises) several times per week for 8-12 weeks.

If it were me in those circumstances, I think I would make a day trip the day of the surgery or the day after.  I don't discount the craziness of your relatives, but your mom will be particularly vulnerable right now, and I would want to be there.  I would also consider whether I could scoop her up and bring her home with me while still maintaining those essential boundaries.

[Laurie]

Don't go and don't feel guilty or selfish!    I've read enough of your posts to know that you're a saint even if some members of your family may believe otherwise!!!   

 

 

[Tap]

2 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

The procedure is iffy.  It can be utterly smooth or...not.

Afterwards I think the standard of care is to have cardiac rehab (supervised cardio exercise on the hospital premises) several times per week for 8-12 weeks.

If it were me in those circumstances, I think I would make a day trip the day of the surgery or the day after.  I don't discount the craziness of your relatives, but your mom will be particularly vulnerable right now, and I would want to be there.  I would also consider whether I could scoop her up and bring her home with me while still maintaining those essential boundaries.

Nope, not possible.

I am inclined to go, but only out of obligation. I have zero desire to go, and only dread about the trip.  

[Carol in Cal.]

Yeah, I totally get that about the dread.  I've had that, too.

When I get it, I try to think to myself, what would I do if this were normal?  Or, what I be surprised if someone DIDN'T do if I heard about this situation?  And that would make me make a trip, but only for a day, and I'd have to be very braced for it.  I'd have my game face on the whole time, and I'd be concentrating on the Main Idea, which is to support my Mom and do the right thing.  I would not let myself get involved in side conversations.  I'd be practicing deflections all the way there.  Like:

"It's too bad you're so unhappy" 

"It's too bad you feel that way."

"Life is hard, but good."

"God wants us to care for each other."

"I'm hoping for a nice thunder storm."

"Do you remember the camping trip we went on back in 72?"

 

[Laurie]

1 minute ago, Tap said:

 

I am inclined to go, but only out of obligation. I have zero desire to go, and only dread about the trip.  

FWIW, Meghan Markle, the new duchess over in England, didn't go when her father had the same "procedure"...that's what the press called it.  

He missed the wedding and watched it on tv at an airbnb rental after his release from the hospital.  

The duchess looks very happy and carefree  in all the photos at polo matches, garden parties,  etc. since the wedding and her father's procedure.   And she isn't caring for a child with special needs like you are.   She certainly didn't feel obligated to go.

I think you should stay home.   A card would be nice.  Flowers optional.  (But in my opinion, you deserve the bouquet more than anyone else!)

[Terabith]

Don't go.  

[Selkie]

I would go with your gut and it sounds like your gut is telling you not to go.

[Halftime Hope]

I work in an environment with lots of senior citizens having major surgeries and procedures.  This is a procedure.  A majority of the time it goes smoothly and people often feel dramatically better upon coming out of recovery. 

Occasionally, people have a much harder time recovering, as in weak for weeks afterward.  Once in a while, someone dies from a stent placement going wrong, but that hasn't happened in my experience, and I've seen stent placement in a number of people that are pretty far gone.

I'd call mom, stay in touch by phone, and make it clear to her that you care, but you can't bear the thought of increasing the drama that surrounds her, and thus risk making it harder on her.  Call her repeatedly, send her flowers, tell her you are saying a mass for her (or whatever ministers to her spirit/mind), send a care package, or whatever will mean something to her.

 

[Innisfree]

It sounds like you know exactly how the day is likely to go if you make the effort to visit. But what will your mother herself feel about the situation? Does she have a healthy understanding of how messed up the others are, even if she doesn't set boundaries for them? No need to answer here, of course.

Actually, regardless of the answer, I'd say don't go.

But if your mother understands the situation, I'd add, maybe try to make the drive and get together with her alone, no sister or niece, before the day of the procedure, if that's practical. Or phone her, or whatever would work best for both you and her. If she "gets it", she'll understand why you shouldn't make the drive in that day. You can talk to her again after things have calmed down.

If she's tangled up in sis and niece's mess and doesn't understand, all the more reason to stay far away. You have been picking up the broken pieces they've dropped for a long time. Give yourself the gift of grace, peace and sanity, because your life requires uncommon quantities of all those attributes. Send flowers, cards, whatever would mean something to your mom, and stay away.

[Amy in NH]

It's a procedure these days.  I'd not feel guilty about not going.

[Tsuga]

Flowers, card, daily phone call and excuse yourself saying you don't want to take the attention from her but if she needs anything let you know.

Very sorry you are in that situation and I wish a wonderful procedure and full, quick recovery to your mom.

[mominco]

Go with your gut,don't go.Send a card or two.I like what Tsuga suggested.

[J-rap]

I would feel fine about not going.  You can call your mother ahead of time and afterwards, and send her flowers if you like.  You can certainly be on-call to make that trip in case the surgery becomes complicated or more serious.  

I'm actually in a similar position right now, with my father undergoing unexpected hip replacement surgery later this morning after suffering a fall yesterday.  (Also a 3-hour drive!)  I'm going to stay home but be on-call.  My sister, mother, and other family members will be there.

Also, I think it's wonderful that you are the loving mother of your dd11!

 

[Katy]

I mean if you're concerned and she included you as someone to share information with, you could call the surgeon's office and ask.

But generally go with your gut.

[goldberry]

I adore my dad but didn't go for many of his stents.  Right now he is 87, so I would go if he had something now, but only because his advanced age makes anything really dicey.

[Liz CA]

My mother had this done in her early seventies. It was called a procedure and she didn't seem to think it was a big deal.

[catz]

I wouldn't drive 6 hours in one day for that.  Nope.  You're expected to be there but not welecomed?  Nope.  I don't need that kind of drama in my life.  If it were less than an hour and I could stop in for 30 minutes after or something maybe.  It sounds like she's already got too many people there.  

I'd call her (or text depending on circumstances) before and after.  Send a card, maybe flowers if I thought she'd appreciate it.  

[Halftime Hope]

Tap, if you are comfortable doing so, keep us posted.  A bunch of us pray, and many others will want to send good thought and well-wishes for you and your mom.  :-)  You mean a great deal to us.