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KarenNC

Issues with getting roommate assignment for freshman year

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It seems that roommate switching after move-in would be more hurtful.  This roommate thing reminds me of dating.   Except, really, it is more like courting (at least as I understand it is now in some circles).   

I once roomed with my best friend ever.  It was horrible.   Of course, we were in the same classes and worked together.   So, when we got home we didn't want to look at each other.   I think we saw each other a lot less.  

 

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Yes, I think the roommate change is because some may see your daughter's activism as extreme and not everyone is comfortable with having a LGBTQ+ roommate. I would guess that the reason is more a combination of the two, rather than just one thing.

The idea to connect through the school's LGBTQ+ community is excellent. She may also do some googling and find someone with a common interest or two on Reddit or Tumblr or whatever kids are using now. My dd found her first roommate that way, as they both liked the same kind of music.

My son just chose his room based on the others already assigned to the apartment. It was a basic questionnaire, what do you like to do in your spare time, what's your major, how neat-messy, social are you, and what kind of hours do you keep. But that's a four bedroom apartment, different from sharing a room with someone, and I don't think they'll even know more about each other until move in.

We found the extra $3500 for a single room in an apartment to be actually save money, instead of a cheaper dorm room without a kitchen. If there's no kitchen, students are required to have a meal plan, which has been $3500-$4000 a year anyway. Totally NOT worth it. This way, my kids can eat their own food, on their own time, and really are forced to be a bit more selective and make healthier choices.

 

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16 hours ago, ThisIsTheDay said:

Yes, I think the roommate change is because some may see your daughter's activism as extreme and not everyone is comfortable with having a LGBTQ+ roommate. I would guess that the reason is more a combination of the two, rather than just one thing.

The idea to connect through the school's LGBTQ+ community is excellent. She may also do some googling and find someone with a common interest or two on Reddit or Tumblr or whatever kids are using now. My dd found her first roommate that way, as they both liked the same kind of music.

My son just chose his room based on the others already assigned to the apartment. It was a basic questionnaire, what do you like to do in your spare time, what's your major, how neat-messy, social are you, and what kind of hours do you keep. But that's a four bedroom apartment, different from sharing a room with someone, and I don't think they'll even know more about each other until move in.

We found the extra $3500 for a single room in an apartment to be actually save money, instead of a cheaper dorm room without a kitchen. If there's no kitchen, students are required to have a meal plan, which has been $3500-$4000 a year anyway. Totally NOT worth it. This way, my kids can eat their own food, on their own time, and really are forced to be a bit more selective and make healthier choices.

 

 

At this point, I expect she won't be seen as eligible for one of the apartments, but it depends on how her status is interpreted. Because she has a lot of dual enrollment credits, her standing for registration is sophomore, but her admission status is freshman. Honors freshman have to live in the honors dorm, which is a traditional hall-style, but upperclassmen have the option of the honors section of the apartments. She should know more after orientation, where she is now. The access to a kitchen (and a private bedroom) does make it attractive to her and may be the way she goes next year, as she enjoys cooking. Not having guaranteed access to a car for grocery shopping is a bit of a concern for doing primarily her own cooking right now, though she will likely make friends with others with cars and there is some local public transportation.

She has been trying to connect through the social media groups for freshmen, and will have a chance to meet some folks in person and explore some of the clubs more in-depth now that she's at orientation. The fact that she can only room with another honors freshman narrows the pool quite a bit (there are less than 200 of them, I believe, compared to over 2K in the overall freshman class). It will all work out in the end.

The suggestions to specifically look for a roommate in the LGBTQ+ group, while well-intentioned, are hitting me as saying, "She should look for a gay roommate, because students shouldn't have to be worried about any potential romantic drama with a roommate disrupting their studies," when the meaning is pretty clearly "my straight student shouldn't have to be worried." This has the effect of deliberately putting her in *exactly* the same situation the straight folks are using as justification to not room with a gay person ("Well, I wouldn't want my son rooming with a girl, either, because they might become attracted to each other"), so a rather stark double standard. By that reasoning, she should be rooming only with a gay male (not inherently a bad idea, but not an option at this school), and I don't know what bisexual students would be expected to do.

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My apologies if my suggestion read as above, it was not meant in that vein. I hope orientation goes well.

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3 hours ago, KarenNC said:

The suggestions to specifically look for a roommate in the LGBTQ+ group, while well-intentioned, are hitting me as saying, "She should look for a gay roommate, because students shouldn't have to be worried about any potential romantic drama with a roommate disrupting their studies," when the meaning is pretty clearly "my straight student shouldn't have to be worried." This has the effect of deliberately putting her in *exactly* the same situation the straight folks are using as justification to not room with a gay person ("Well, I wouldn't want my son rooming with a girl, either, because they might become attracted to each other"), so a rather stark double standard. By that reasoning, she should be rooming only with a gay male (not inherently a bad idea, but not an option at this school), and I don't know what bisexual students would be expected to do.

I think the suggestion is a valid one that has nothing to do with romantic drama. It is no different a suggestion than suggesting that she see if there is a pagan club or social activism groups with her interests and reaching out to them. If someone suggested my Dd reach out to the Catholic Center or a pro-life group, I would see those as valid suggestions.

Roommates live in very close quarters and pay a premium to live there. You may see it as a time to have stereotypes challenged, but a lot of kids, probably most,  just want a comfortable home space to call their own. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. They are paying for it.

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2 minutes ago, elegantlion said:

My apologies if my suggestion read as above, it was not meant in that vein. I hope orientation goes well.

I realize the suggestions were well-intentioned, but I wanted to raise awareness of the double standard implied. Placing two gay students of the same gender together can raise exactly the same potential romantic drama issues that placing straight males and females together can, and two gay students of the same gender can be just friends/roommates, as straight males and females can.

She certainly plans to connect with the LGBTQ+ support services and the student LGBTQ+ club in general, and may, in fact, end up with a roommate who is gay, bisexual, or transgender, either by choice or by luck of the draw. We'll have to see how it works out.

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1 hour ago, 8FillTheHeart said:

I think the suggestion is a valid one that has nothing to do with romantic drama. It is no different a suggestion than suggesting that she see if there is a pagan club or social activism groups with her interests and reaching out to them. If someone suggested my Dd reach out to the Catholic Center or a pro-life group, I would see those as valid suggestions.

Roommates live in very close quarters and pay a premium to live there. You may see it as a time to have stereotypes challenged, but a lot of kids, probably most,  just want a comfortable home space to call their own. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. They are paying for it.

The specific issue of romantic drama has been raised in this thread, including the particular analogy I mentioned. Reaching out for support, yes, for potential friendship, yes, which may eventually turn into a roommate or even a romantic partner, but specifically to say find another gay person as a roommate solely because they are gay brings in the double standard. 

Common interest and activity suggestions are very valid, but, yes, there is a level of difference between suggesting looking in common interest groups for a roommate and suggesting finding another gay person simply because they are gay. A Pagan club, social activism club, the Catholic Center, and pro-life groups are tied to common choices rather than innate sexual identity, and particularly not to a sexual identity that has been demonized in society for a very long time as amoral, hyper-sexual, promiscuous, and predatory. 

Students in the majority have the option to be highly selective in tailoring that comfortable home space. Those in minority groups usually don't, even though they are also paying for it, and, yes, I do see a part of college as a time to have stereotypes challenged.

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Your assuming that the issue is with her being gay. Your Dd is also pagan and a social activist. Those are issues that might turn off a lot of students. When your Dd has a vocal presence on multiple issues (just like my Dd on the other side of the spectrum), it is polarizing to some students and they don't want to deal with it.  

Fwiw, I see college attendance as quite different than one's personal living space. 

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11 minutes ago, 8FillTheHeart said:

Your assuming that the issue is with her being gay. Your Dd is also pagan and a social activist. Those are issues that might turn off a lot of students. When your Dd has a vocal presence on multiple issues (just like my Dd on the other side of the spectrum), it is polarizing to some students and they don't want to deal with it.  

Fwiw, I see college attendance as quite different than one's personal living space. 

I see that as one potential issue, as obviously several others have based on their replies, and was addressing that particular response to that particular potential issue. I've said I can foresee issues where my daughter would want to change out as well based on a person's actions.That's why I find the lack of communication problematic and say that is has the potential to create unnecessary awkwardness in future relationships between students.

When one's personal living space is on campus, then it becomes a part of college attendance and governed by the policies of the college. Off-campus is a different situation entirely, with the exception of a very few schools that try to control students' behavior off-campus as well.

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29 minutes ago, KarenNC said:

I see that as one potential issue, as obviously several others have based on their replies, and was addressing that particular response to that particular potential issue. I've said I can foresee issues where my daughter would want to change out as well based on a person's actions.That's why I find the lack of communication problematic and say that is has the potential to create unnecessary awkwardness in future relationships between students.

When one's personal living space is on campus, then it becomes a part of college attendance and governed by the policies of the college. Off-campus is a different situation entirely, with the exception of a very few schools that try to control students' behavior off-campus as well.

And universities' policies allow students to select their roommates and/or change rooms.

I hope your Dd finds a roommate that turns out to be a great living arrangement.

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1 minute ago, 8FillTheHeart said:

And universities' policies allow students to select their roommates and/or change rooms. 

So they do (to a certain extent), as I've pointed out.

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They also are not necessarily close minded but could feel that would be constantly under attack, even if that's not true. I wouldn't want an activist roommate because I wouldn't be comfortable, and I know many others wouldn't. Many of us already feel the need to keep our beliefs quiet and having an activist roommate would be more of that. Again, it may not be true with your daughter, but it would be a concern for many people. 

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I really hope your daughter finds a roommate that is compatible. While it seems plausible she’s encountered a couple of homophobic or fundie type, there’s also a good chance these other 2 just connected in FB in some innocent way— their sport, their choice of music, or the fact that they like to get stinking drunk, but only on Saturday nights. Freshmen can be like that, and from what I’ve seen, many many change roommates each semester. I’d also not assume the school is strict about not allowing last minute changes. Again, from my experience, the schools can have a written rule that is loosely followed. I was amazed at the number of freshmen that were allowed to move off campus second semester at my son’s school, while the official rule stated the opposite. 

And if she ends up with a bad match, just reassure her the semester will only last so long, that she will most likely make plenty of new friends and find one that is a great match to room with. 

My son had a scholarship that covered boarding and sort of stipulated that he’d room with internationals. Yes, odd. So phe was essentially stuck on campus,lol. He had a few horrific room mates. According to him, though, many kids didn’t spend a lot of time in those tiny dorm rooms. They studied at the library or dorm lounges,and they hung out in larger groups in the TV lounges. Rooms were where he slept. That made it a bit easier to deal with mid-matched roomies. Well, except for the skanky guy who brought his skanky girlfriend in to have sex with most nights, but that’s a whole-nuther story and one my son can laugh at now.

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20 hours ago, Dotwithaperiod said:

I really hope your daughter finds a roommate that is compatible. While it seems plausible she’s encountered a couple of homophobic or fundie type, there’s also a good chance these other 2 just connected in FB in some innocent way— their sport, their choice of music, or the fact that they like to get stinking drunk, but only on Saturday nights. Freshmen can be like that, and from what I’ve seen, many many change roommates each semester. I’d also not assume the school is strict about not allowing last minute changes. Again, from my experience, the schools can have a written rule that is loosely followed. I was amazed at the number of freshmen that were allowed to move off campus second semester at my son’s school, while the official rule stated the opposite. 

And if she ends up with a bad match, just reassure her the semester will only last so long, that she will most likely make plenty of new friends and find one that is a great match to room with. 

My son had a scholarship that covered boarding and sort of stipulated that he’d room with internationals. Yes, odd. So phe was essentially stuck on campus,lol. He had a few horrific room mates. According to him, though, many kids didn’t spend a lot of time in those tiny dorm rooms. They studied at the library or dorm lounges,and they hung out in larger groups in the TV lounges. Rooms were where he slept. That made it a bit easier to deal with mid-matched roomies. Well, except for the skanky guy who brought his skanky girlfriend in to have sex with most nights, but that’s a whole-nuther story and one my son can laugh at now.

Thanks. She's already heard the stories from us about our roommate woes and knows that a randomly matched roommate isn't actually likely to become her close friend and shouldn't be expected to be. If it happens, it's a big bonus. ? I had two different much less than ideal matches--one freshman year and then one junior year, when one of my roommates transferred over the summer and the other was doing study abroad for a semester in the fall (we had been in a triple). Basically 180 degrees opposite of each other, zero common interests, but we were able to be decent to each other and get through the year/semester without any real drama (aside from the time I found my roommate had a keg in the room for a party and my teetotaling, very conservative parents were on the way for a visit). My husband had a good roommate, but one of his suitemates decided the couch in the suite's common area was a perfect place for sex--loudly, openly, and frequently (sex is not a spectator sport!!). We've discussed possible strategies for handling that scenario. I met my sophomore year roommates at orientation before freshman year.

She's got a third assignment now, so we'll see how this one goes and if it sticks. She's become a good bit less enthusiastic about trying to make a meaningful connection with the girl before school starts, which is unfortunate. I don't see finding friends as an issue, and she's already made connections with some groups.

 

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On 6/18/2018 at 8:50 PM, ThisIsTheDay said:

Looking forward to hearing how orientation went for your dd.

Thanks. It went well and she's looking forward to August. She talked with a number of students that she said seemed nice and made connections with some additional clubs---the SCUBA club, hammocking club, LGBTQ+ club, etc. I've actually never been at all worried that she'll find friends on campus here and we've never expected that her roommate would be a primary source of friendship. She said there's a very active student engagement program which provides options, including alcohol and other substance free weekend fun activities. She has already done a practice with the aikido club (when we went for accepted students' day) and is taking a tech theatre class that will get her involved there, something she really enjoys, so will have some built-in community in those in addition to the honors community activities. There's a congregation from our denomination (Unitarian Universalist) just down the road, which will also be helpful. I'm glad she chose the larger school over the smaller ones where she was also accepted, because they simply have more options and a much wider pool of students, so it's more likely she'll find her group fairly easily. Having just made the 8 hour round trip twice in three days, we are particularly glad she's made a few initial connections with students from closer to our area, which will hopefully translate into options for rides at least part of the way home! ?

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I know that getting things lined up for the fall of freshman year is a stressful time for all.  Everyone is in a new situation and has certain expectations of what a roommate situation will be like.  Moving and starting a new school rates high as far as stress; knowing that you will be sharing your personal space with someone you do not know adds to that stress.

At DS's school, each room has a micro/fridge in it and students are not allowed to bring their own.  This greatly speeds up move in/move out.  It also reduces a lot of the roommate stress.  At DD's school a surprising part of roommate issues revolved around who was bringing a fridge or a microwave.  A and B were supposed to room together, but B never shows up, but A doesn't want to move in with C because they both have fridges and neither has a microwave....  DD was an RA and even had to intervene when the AUNT of one student showed up on campus and started deciding where the microwave and fridge would go in the room and what the rules would be of how the two roommates could use them.

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1 hour ago, jdahlquist said:

I know that getting things lined up for the fall of freshman year is a stressful time for all.  Everyone is in a new situation and has certain expectations of what a roommate situation will be like.  Moving and starting a new school rates high as far as stress; knowing that you will be sharing your personal space with someone you do not know adds to that stress.

At DS's school, each room has a micro/fridge in it and students are not allowed to bring their own.  This greatly speeds up move in/move out.  It also reduces a lot of the roommate stress.  At DD's school a surprising part of roommate issues revolved around who was bringing a fridge or a microwave.  A and B were supposed to room together, but B never shows up, but A doesn't want to move in with C because they both have fridges and neither has a microwave....  DD was an RA and even had to intervene when the AUNT of one student showed up on campus and started deciding where the microwave and fridge would go in the room and what the rules would be of how the two roommates could use them.

It would make things *so* much easier if the school just did that with the micro-fridge and had a locking drawer in either the desk or other furniture.

I'm really hoping she and whoever she rooms with just decide to split the rent on a micro-fridge from the school, to be honest, even though I'm very frugal and it would be more expensive (we could easily buy a nice two door mini-fridge with separate freezer for a good bit less than the rent for a year). We have a microwave our godson used recently in college, but I'd rather not have to transport it along with all the other stuff, especially not a fridge in our Prius V! If she ends up moving to the honors apartments next year when she's eligible, they have kitchens in the apartment and won't necessarily need a mini-fridge anyway.

 

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6 hours ago, KarenNC said:

It would make things *so* much easier if the school just did that with the micro-fridge and had a locking drawer in either the desk or other furniture.

I'm really hoping she and whoever she rooms with just decide to split the rent on a micro-fridge from the school, to be honest, even though I'm very frugal and it would be more expensive (we could easily buy a nice two door mini-fridge with separate freezer for a good bit less than the rent for a year). We have a microwave our godson used recently in college, but I'd rather not have to transport it along with all the other stuff, especially not a fridge in our Prius V! If she ends up moving to the honors apartments next year when she's eligible, they have kitchens in the apartment and won't necessarily need a mini-fridge anyway.

 

I didn't realize how much the micro-fridge thing simplified situations until I had kids at two different universities.  It also solves problems of students bringing too large of a fridge or other appliances.

For a micro-fridge, one thing to consider is whether those are really needed immediately upon move in.  Is there a kitchen in the dorm that can be used, at least for a while until roommates and rooming situations are settled?   At some schools there is a large resell market of fridges, microwaves, and other dorm items.  If it ends up that she needs one, she may be able to buy one fairly cheap a week or two into the semester.  

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10 hours ago, jdahlquist said:

I didn't realize how much the micro-fridge thing simplified situations until I had kids at two different universities.  It also solves problems of students bringing too large of a fridge or other appliances.

For a micro-fridge, one thing to consider is whether those are really needed immediately upon move in.  Is there a kitchen in the dorm that can be used, at least for a while until roommates and rooming situations are settled?   At some schools there is a large resell market of fridges, microwaves, and other dorm items.  If it ends up that she needs one, she may be able to buy one fairly cheap a week or two into the semester.  

Good point, it's something to consider. She's got an unlimited food plan (required of all freshmen on campus), so it isn't like she'll starve, and they do have a full kitchen and ice machine for the dorm. This school brings in pods at the end of the semester for students to drop off things they don't want to take home so that they can be donated to Habitat or a local Catholic outreach center, so we did drop by the Habitat Restore to see if they had anything, but I hadn't considered that the resell for things other than textbooks might be active at the beginning of the semester as well. I had wondered whether we could order something and have it delivered but not sure how that would work with her schedule and needing to be around (I don't really want to go near a store near campus on move-in weekend). Maybe she could work with someone she meets to go pick up a fridge.  If she were closer, I wouldn't think twice about helping her get anything later she needed, but almost four hours away makes it a bigger challenge so I'm trying to be sure she'll have everything she needs to start with. Once she's there, there's the option of renting a storage unit over long breaks for big items. Guess it may be time to start practicing stepping back and trusting she will work things out. ?

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DD ordered a fridge from Amazon that was delivered to the mailroom on her campus.  The mailroom had dollies and carts students could use to take heavier things back to their dorms.  She was at a smaller (less than 3000 student campus).  

I teach at a larger campus (about 10,000 students) and it has a great online "for sale" site for the campus community.  It has everything from books to fridges, bicycles to laundry baskets, and shoes to shower curtains for sell by students, faculty, and staff.  It works great!  I don't know how common it is for campuses to have those things.

You might check at a pawn shop or Goodwill if you are in a college town and see if you can pick up a used fridge inexpensively.

 

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20 hours ago, KarenNC said:

Good point, it's something to consider. She's got an unlimited food plan (required of all freshmen on campus), so it isn't like she'll starve, and they do have a full kitchen and ice machine for the dorm. This school brings in pods at the end of the semester for students to drop off things they don't want to take home so that they can be donated to Habitat or a local Catholic outreach center, so we did drop by the Habitat Restore to see if they had anything, but I hadn't considered that the resell for things other than textbooks might be active at the beginning of the semester as well. I had wondered whether we could order something and have it delivered but not sure how that would work with her schedule and needing to be around (I don't really want to go near a store near campus on move-in weekend). Maybe she could work with someone she meets to go pick up a fridge.  If she were closer, I wouldn't think twice about helping her get anything later she needed, but almost four hours away makes it a bigger challenge so I'm trying to be sure she'll have everything she needs to start with. Once she's there, there's the option of renting a storage unit over long breaks for big items. Guess it may be time to start practicing stepping back and trusting she will work things out. ?

 

I don't know the size of a Prius V over my slightly older Prius, but let me tell you, my car has moved an entire dorm room in and out twice! With four adults in the car, although it was a bit squishy! Never underestimate what a Prius can pack into it, haha! ?  Look on FB Marketplace or check around. We picked up a mini fridge for $50 when dd was a freshman. She only needed it for one year, right now it's our beer cooler, but I'm thinking we should go ahead and sell it for $40, and someone would snap it up in a heartbeat. That was one item that we took up post-move in and pre-move out though, but it also fit in the back of my Prius.

I'm glad for your daughter about the great orientation visit. This is such an exciting time but always some sort of uncertainty.

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8 hours ago, ThisIsTheDay said:

 

I don't know the size of a Prius V over my slightly older Prius, but let me tell you, my car has moved an entire dorm room in and out twice! With four adults in the car, although it was a bit squishy! Never underestimate what a Prius can pack into it, haha! ?  Look on FB Marketplace or check around. We picked up a mini fridge for $50 when dd was a freshman. She only needed it for one year, right now it's our beer cooler, but I'm thinking we should go ahead and sell it for $40, and someone would snap it up in a heartbeat. That was one item that we took up post-move in and pre-move out though, but it also fit in the back of my Prius.

I'm glad for your daughter about the great orientation visit. This is such an exciting time but always some sort of uncertainty.

It's still older (2012?), but the Prius V is the more wagon-style vs the regular Prius, so hopefully a bit more room, and we'll only have three of us in the car. ? 

Yes, the orientation visit went really well, as has every other visit. The only issue we've had with the school is this roommate switching.

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Well, she's now on roommate #3, a fellow homeschooler, which could go well or really badly depending, though I would think that those homeschooling for reasons that would make it more likely to go really badly are probably headed to much more religiously-oriented colleges. Time will tell. Unfortunately, she's reached a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" stage.

The new girl said she was homeschooled but "I promise I'm not weird." I told my daughter she should reply, "I was homeschooled, too, and I promise I am!" ;). It hadn't occurred to me that "homeschool" may also have been a factor in the others having requested a change.

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When you posted, it hadn't occurred to me either.   Although, I hope your daughter doesn't really say that, or if she does add, "But not in a homeschooled way".  Or, maybe, " but not in anyway that you can't see in my online presence."  

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20 minutes ago, shawthorne44 said:

When you posted, it hadn't occurred to me either.   Although, I hope your daughter doesn't really say that, or if she does add, "But not in a homeschooled way".  Or, maybe, " but not in anyway that you can't see in my online presence."  

Actually it turns out that she had never mentioned to either of the others that she was homeschooled. Don't worry, she didn't say it. ?

 

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Looks like roommate option #3 may be workable. The girl has no experience with anyone in the LGBTQ+ community and I'm not sure how much she has with people who are non-Christian but she is willing to ask questions, and my daughter is willing to give her a fair amount of slack for things said in ignorance. Her motto is essentially, "Don't berate, educate," and she realizes she's likely to have to do some level of education with any roommate. I have to admit I have some worry with a Christian roommate about potential drama getting in the way of studies or causing her to avoid her room if the girl decides my daughter is a "project" or needs to be "saved," but am staying out of it. Yes, I am totally serious about that, as we've been on the receiving end of that sort of drama before in the homeschool community and from family, but my daughter says if it becomes an issue they can't resolve between them, she'll go to the RA or ask for a room change rather than let it impact her GPA. She has told the other girl outright, "I'm not going to hide who I am or ask you to change who you are and I expect the same of you, so let me know now if this is going to be a problem. I have several straight, Christian friends and we do fine as long as we treat each other with mutual respect."

PSA: "I have to tell you I'm a Christian so I don't hate you as a person but I don't believe in people being gay" is not one's best choice for starting a conversation. Why does one "have" to say this? It's the equivalent of walking up and announcing, "I'm a Christian so I need to tell you I don't hate you as a person but I don't believe in people being black/over 5' 5"/allergic to bees/blue-eyed" to someone who has one or more of these innate characteristics. I realize it's usually said out of ignorance and with the intention of showing one is "tolerant" by not "hating someone as a person," but it has the opposite effect. Where does the conversation go after that? Really, is the person supposed to thank you? Reassure you they aren't going to try to make you allergic to bees as well? Give you a cookie for acknowledging they still may have a right to exist (sort of) even if you don't "believe" in them? Honestly, IME, most people don't really care about what you believe as long as you behave like a reasonable human being.

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1 hour ago, KarenNC said:

Looks like roommate option #3 may be workable. The girl has no experience with anyone in the LGBTQ+ community and I'm not sure how much she has with people who are non-Christian but she is willing to ask questions, and my daughter is willing to give her a fair amount of slack for things said in ignorance. Her motto is essentially, "Don't berate, educate," and she realizes she's likely to have to do some level of education with any roommate. I have to admit I have some worry with a Christian roommate about potential drama getting in the way of studies or causing her to avoid her room if the girl decides my daughter is a "project" or needs to be "saved," but am staying out of it. Yes, I am totally serious about that, as we've been on the receiving end of that sort of drama before in the homeschool community and from family, but my daughter says if it becomes an issue they can't resolve between them, she'll go to the RA or ask for a room change rather than let it impact her GPA. She has told the other girl outright, "I'm not going to hide who I am or ask you to change who you are and I expect the same of you, so let me know now if this is going to be a problem. I have several straight, Christian friends and we do fine as long as we treat each other with mutual respect."

PSA: "I have to tell you I'm a Christian so I don't hate you as a person but I don't believe in people being gay" is not one's best choice for starting a conversation. Why does one "have" to say this? It's the equivalent of walking up and announcing, "I'm a Christian so I need to tell you I don't hate you as a person but I don't believe in people being black/over 5' 5"/allergic to bees/blue-eyed" to someone who has one or more of these innate characteristics. I realize it's usually said out of ignorance and with the intention of showing one is "tolerant" by not "hating someone as a person," but it has the opposite effect. Where does the conversation go after that? Really, is the person supposed to thank you? Reassure you they aren't going to try to make you allergic to bees as well? Give you a cookie for acknowledging they still may have a right to exist (sort of) even if you don't "believe" in them? Honestly, IME, most people don't really care about what you believe as long as you behave like a reasonable human being.

 

The possibility of what I bolded above may have been a concern of past potential roommates, or may be a concern for this current roommate, or any future roommates.

Very gently--all of these comments are a two way street.  If your daughter wants to "educate," then she should be open to being "educated" by her roommate. In the same way that your dd is not a "project," neither is any roommate, who also should not be expected to change or to hide who she is, or her beliefs, or her own lifestyle.

Tolerance IS a two way street, and really, after being "educated," where DOES the conversation go? "Okay, I'm turning my back on everything I've been taught and believed because you've enlightened me." Probably not.

You are exactly correct, most people don't really care what you believe as long as you behave like a reasonable human being and leave others to their own beliefs and don't try to change them.

Obviously, I'm not in your situtation, so I can't speak for that. Of course you want to avoid drama with roommates, and I do understand that you want to protect your daughter, and I get that this is more personal than a typical roommate conflict.  I sincerely do hope that this works out best for your daughter and her roommate. It's always helpful to know a bit about the other person before going in, so this is a good start.

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3 hours ago, KarenNC said:

PSA: "I have to tell you I'm a Christian so I don't hate you as a person but I don't believe in people being gay" is not one's best choice for starting a conversation. Why does one "have" to say this? It's the equivalent of walking up and announcing, "I'm a Christian so I need to tell you I don't hate you as a person but I don't believe in people being black/over 5' 5"/allergic to bees/blue-eyed" to someone who has one or more of these innate characteristics. I realize it's usually said out of ignorance and with the intention of showing one is "tolerant" by not "hating someone as a person," but it has the opposite effect. Where does the conversation go after that? Really, is the person supposed to thank you? Reassure you they aren't going to try to make you allergic to bees as well? Give you a cookie for acknowledging they still may have a right to exist (sort of) even if you don't "believe" in them? Honestly, IME, most people don't really care about what you believe as long as you behave like a reasonable human being.

I would say the equivalent to the first quote would be more like, "I have to tell you I'm a vegan so I don't hate you as a person but I don't believe in people eating or using animal products." I would guess the potential roommate girl believes being LGBTQ+ is a choice instead of seeing it as some others do as being an innate characteristic.

I hope it works out & they are both able to treat each other like reasonable human beings.

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9 minutes ago, ThisIsTheDay said:

 

The possibility of what I bolded above may have been a concern of past potential roommates, or may be a concern for this current roommate, or any future roommates.

Very gently--all of these comments are a two way street.  If your daughter wants to "educate," then she should be open to being "educated" by her roommate. In the same way that your dd is not a "project," neither is any roommate, who also should not be expected to change or to hide who she is, or her beliefs, or her own lifestyle.

Tolerance IS a two way street, and really, after being "educated," where DOES the conversation go? "Okay, I'm turning my back on everything I've been taught and believed because you've enlightened me." Probably not.

You are exactly correct, most people don't really care what you believe as long as you behave like a reasonable human being and leave others to their own beliefs and don't try to change them.

Obviously, I'm not in your situtation, so I can't speak for that. Of course you want to avoid drama with roommates, and I do understand that you want to protect your daughter, and I get that this is more personal than a typical roommate conflict.  I sincerely do hope that this works out best for your daughter and her roommate. It's always helpful to know a bit about the other person before going in, so this is a good start.

Nor is it likely that this girl's (or anyone else's) disapproval will change an innate characteristic of my daughter, any more than it could change her eye color, which is why I added the PSA. There are ways to express oneself that are helpful and ways that are not. That particular phrasing is something that we've encountered frequently in certain Christian circles and it doesn't come across as I believe the people saying it think it does. 

Did you miss "I'm not going to ... ask you to change who you are.....we [will] do fine as long as we treat each other with mutual respect"? That would be why she told her to let her know if this was going to be something the other girl could not do. Note that in this situation, the only negative element has been inserted by the other girl gratuitously informing my daughter she doesn't "hate her as a person, but..." My extended family is very fundamentalist Evangelical Christian and our local homeschool community tends heavily toward "statement of faith" groups. My daughter has had a lifetime of learning to deal on a daily basis with people who are different from her in some way, whether that has been skin color, sexual orientation, culture, or belief system (both religiously and politically), as have most members of minority groups of whatever kind. It's a survival skill. Based on her conversations, it doesn't appear so far that this girl has had as many of those same learning opportunities yet. We have found even among family members that there are some people who cannot seem to wrap their heads around giving any space to those who are different from them in any way, much less actual mutual respect. There is no "live and let live" with them. They consider the simple fact of the other's existence to be a constant challenge and an affront that requires action, which is why I have some concerns. We also have many Christian friends and family who manage to be true to their beliefs but are not like that at all, which is why I am hopeful. That's why she gave her an easy out.

We have no equivalent of Christianity's "Great Commission." Proselytizing is not a part of our religious belief system and you can't "recruit" someone to be other than they already are in terms of sexual orientation. After establishing upfront a standard that neither one is asking for or requiring the other's endorsement or participation, that each values their own beliefs as much as the other, that innate characteristics are not something that's going to change, and proselytizing is not going to be welcome, hopefully the conversation goes on to what classes do you have, do you have a fridge, what's your major, are you going on the lyceum trip, are you bringing a car, as it did in this situation. That's why I'm hopeful it will work out. This girl has said she's never known someone who is LGBTQ+. The education aspect will come in my daughter living her life as a decent human being while being open to answering questions and letting this girl experience that people who are LGBTQ+ or non-Christian are just regular people rather than "scary" labels. If that runs counter to what the girl's been taught, so be it.

 

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7 minutes ago, RootAnn said:

I would say the equivalent to the first quote would be more like, "I have to tell you I'm a vegan so I don't hate you as a person but I don't believe in people eating or using animal products." I would guess the potential roommate girl believes being LGBTQ+ is a choice instead of seeing it as some others do as being an innate characteristic.

I hope it works out & they are both able to treat each other like reasonable human beings.

Hence the need for education. ? What one believes about it doesn't change the reality, any more than it changes gravity or the shape of the planet.

The only real response I can see to that in this type of situation is, "OK, I won't ask you to share my steak or offer to lend you my leather belt."

I'm hopeful it will, and most of the signs point that way so far.

 

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17 minutes ago, KarenNC said:

 letting this girl experience that people who are LGBTQ+ or non-Christian are just regular people rather than "scary" labels. 

From my reading of this thread, your posts are equally charged in the opposite direction toward Christians in general, excusing a select few you know personally to be different.  It comes across as Christians need to prove to you to be otherwise to remove your condemnation of them.  Seems the same shoe, just in a different style.

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1 hour ago, 8FillTheHeart said:

From my reading of this thread, your posts are equally charged in the opposite direction toward Christians in general, excusing a select few you know personally to be different.  It comes across as Christians need to prove to you to be otherwise to remove your condemnation of them.  Seems the same shoe, just in a different style.

I disagree and am sorry if I phrased things poorly. I did not consider "I have to admit I have some worry with a Christian roommate about potential drama getting in the way of studies or causing her to avoid her room if the girl decides my daughter is a "project" or needs to be "saved," but am staying out of it" to be condemnatory of Christians in general, but expressing concern over possible specific behavior. If you have other examples where you feel I have been condemnatory toward Christianity as a whole rather than the actions of specific people, I would be glad to know of them. I have no idea if the first two roommate options identified as Christian or not, but given that 70% of the US population identifies as Christian, http://www.pewforum.org/religious-landscape-study/, 77% in NC http://www.pewforum.org/religious-landscape-study/state/north-carolina/, it has always been most likely that she would have a roommate who identifies as Christian regardless of the school she attended. As I said, we don't know for sure why the first two requested a change. 

It is rather the opposite case. As I would hope has been apparent over our mutual many years on this board, I do not condemn "Christians in general." My daughter has not rejected any potential roommates solely on the basis of their identification as Christian (she hasn't rejected any at all), and we have no animus toward Christians or Christianity in general. I do definitely condemn certain types of behavior we have encountered that have been exhibited by a select few Christians who express certain stances. IME, those stances and behaviors have been concentrated in those we have encountered who identify as Evangelical, which as a group are more concentrated in NC than in the US as a whole (35% vs. 25%). This is borne out by polls--only 36% of Evangelicals say homosexuality should be accepted compared to 51% historically Black Protestant, 62% Orthodox, 66% of mainline Protestants, and 70% of Catholics, for instance. http://www.pewforum.org/religious-landscape-study/views-about-homosexuality/. We also live near the home base for Flip Benham, an Evangelical minister, and his group, so are regularly subjected to their highly confrontational and unpleasant tactics. The phrasing "I don't hate you as a person, but..." trips off some of those reservations, as I have most commonly encountered it among those same groups, and it is in those same Evangelical groups that I have found the greatest emphasis on active proselytization. So, yes, while we don't know for sure which denomination affiliation this particular roommate has, her use of that phrase has triggered heightened concerns, but we have not condemned her. Rather we're hopeful her willingness to ask questions and engage in dialogue in areas where she has no experience is a good sign. It has not caused me to advocate my child should request a change, nor has she asked for such, instead taking a wait and see hopeful approach that is based on actual behavior and interaction.

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What does that even mean "I don't believe in people being gay"?   How are you supposed to answer that?  Well, here I am so obviously I exist. ?

Roommate situations are often hard, so I hope things work out for your daughter.

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4 hours ago, ThisIsTheDay said:

Very gently--all of these comments are a two way street.  If your daughter wants to "educate," then she should be open to being "educated" by her roommate. In the same way that your dd is not a "project," neither is any roommate, who also should not be expected to change or to hide who she is, or her beliefs, or her own lifestyle.

BTW, my daughter said she expects to be educated by her roommate. She enjoys learning about others and finds comparative theology to be quite interesting, even if it isn't as much of a hobby for her as it is for me. ? She's just not willing to deal with attempts to convert her.

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10 minutes ago, KarenNC said:

BTW, my daughter said she expects to be educated by her roommate. She enjoys learning about others and finds comparative theology to be quite interesting, even if it isn't as much of a hobby for her as it is for me. ? She's just not willing to deal with attempts to convert her.

 

No offense, but you and your dd are expecting a lot out of the roommate.  What happens if she is a music major or engineering major and disappears to the practice room or lab? What if she has an established group of friends and decides to go hang out with them? Or she works 20-30 hours a week?   Really, the idea that there is going to be huge conversations on culture of origin and educating each other may not pan out.  Some students just do not hang in the room, and many roommates won't become best friends forever. 

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1 hour ago, HeighHo said:

 

No offense, but you and your dd are expecting a lot out of the roommate.  What happens if she is a music major or engineering major and disappears to the practice room or lab? What if she has an established group of friends and decides to go hang out with them? Or she works 20-30 hours a week?   Really, the idea that there is going to be huge conversations on culture of origin and educating each other may not pan out.  Some students just do not hang in the room, and many roommates won't become best friends forever. 

Obviously "expects" was too imprecise a word choice. Perhaps we have regional differences in the usages associated with "expects." It should be read in the sense of "is open to" or "anticipates the possibility of" situations which may well involve the asking and answering of the kinds of questions which might arise between two people with different life experiences---basic communication. Since religious affiliation is obviously important to both of them, the differences between their experiences in that realm seem likely to be at least an occasional topic of conversation. Because she was raised Unitarian Universalist rather than Christian, she anticipates that she will, in the course of the regular unforced interaction that is likely to occur when two people live in the same small room for several months, learn something more than she already knows about this girl in the same way the roommate is likely to learn something she does not already know about my daughter. My comment was in direct response to ThisIsTheDay's " If your daughter wants to "educate," then she should be open to being "educated" by her roommate." It was not a statement that she plans to glue herself to the girl, depending on her for all social needs, and demanding a seminary-level education in comparative theology 24 hours a day, nor that she considers the girl likely to do anything similar.

She actually has very minimal expectations of any randomly assigned roommate---don't do anything illegal in the room, sex is not a spectator sport so no having sex with anyone while I'm in the room, don't use my stuff without asking, pick up your stuff occasionally, and don't tell me repeatedly you think I'm an abomination. Anything beyond that is a bonus. There's no expectation that they will be friends at all, simply civil to each other. I wasn't particularly friends with my freshman roommate, didn't hang out with her, and never really interacted with her again after freshman year but that doesn't mean we never talked and I didn't learn anything from her.

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With all due respect, you are expecting the roommate to be in the room and willing to converse.  That may not happen. Some people view a shared room as a private room with an invisible wall...the roommate is just ignored. It may have nothing to do with the roommate...it may just be that is the culture or the nature of the mind. 

Good luck with the suprise package.  

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8 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

With all due respect, you are expecting the roommate to be in the room and willing to converse.  That may not happen. Some people view a shared room as a private room with an invisible wall...the roommate is just ignored. It may have nothing to do with the roommate...it may just be that is the culture or the nature of the mind. 

Good luck with the suprise package.  

I think most people would interpret being ignored as passive aggressive behavior. You don't have to be besties but actively ignoring someone who is physically present is rude.

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25 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

With all due respect, you are expecting the roommate to be in the room and willing to converse.  That may not happen. Some people view a shared room as a private room with an invisible wall...the roommate is just ignored. It may have nothing to do with the roommate...it may just be that is the culture or the nature of the mind. 

Good luck with the suprise package.  

I think I can safely say that if a person could live in the same small room with me for 8+ months without saying a word or answering basic questions, I'd still learn something about them, but it would be unlikely to be positive.

If the girl is never in the room, she's got a de facto single for the price of a double.

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With all due respect, college is full inclusion.  Its not wise to assume evil intent when its medical or genetic - both of which are private information that the roommate need not divulge. 

 

Also, if a roomie is on full ride, expect a lot of study and no talking if they are guaranteeing continuing on.  For some people, college is a ticket out. It's not personal when they spend more time studying or coding than other people beleive necessary, and don't stop to trade greetings with anyone who pops in. 

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3 hours ago, KarenNC said:

I disagree and am sorry if I phrased things poorly. I did not consider "I have to admit I have some worry with a Christian roommate about potential drama getting in the way of studies or causing her to avoid her room if the girl decides my daughter is a "project" or needs to be "saved," but am staying out of it" to be condemnatory of Christians in general, but expressing concern over possible specific behavior. If you have other examples where you feel I have been condemnatory toward Christianity as a whole rather than the actions of specific people, I would be glad to know of them. I have no idea if the first two roommate options identified as Christian or not, but given that 70% of the US population identifies as Christian, http://www.pewforum.org/religious-landscape-study/, 77% in NC http://www.pewforum.org/religious-landscape-study/state/north-carolina/, it has always been most likely that she would have a roommate who identifies as Christian regardless of the school she attended. As I said, we don't know for sure why the first two requested a change. 

It is rather the opposite case. As I would hope has been apparent over our mutual many years on this board, I do not condemn "Christians in general." My daughter has not rejected any potential roommates solely on the basis of their identification as Christian (she hasn't rejected any at all), and we have no animus toward Christians or Christianity in general. I do definitely condemn certain types of behavior we have encountered that have been exhibited by a select few Christians who express certain stances. IME, those stances and behaviors have been concentrated in those we have encountered who identify as Evangelical, which as a group are more concentrated in NC than in the US as a whole (35% vs. 25%). This is borne out by polls--only 36% of Evangelicals say homosexuality should be accepted compared to 51% historically Black Protestant, 62% Orthodox, 66% of mainline Protestants, and 70% of Catholics, for instance. http://www.pewforum.org/religious-landscape-study/views-about-homosexuality/. We also live near the home base for Flip Benham, an Evangelical minister, and his group, so are regularly subjected to their highly confrontational and unpleasant tactics. The phrasing "I don't hate you as a person, but..." trips off some of those reservations, as I have most commonly encountered it among those same groups, and it is in those same Evangelical groups that I have found the greatest emphasis on active proselytization. So, yes, while we don't know for sure which denomination affiliation this particular roommate has, her use of that phrase has triggered heightened concerns, but we have not condemned her. Rather we're hopeful her willingness to ask questions and engage in dialogue in areas where she has no experience is a good sign. It has not caused me to advocate my child should request a change, nor has she asked for such, instead taking a wait and see hopeful approach that is based on actual behavior and interaction.

I agree that based on our participation on the forums over the yrs that mutual respect exists and that my use of condemn was an inappropriate word choice.  However, your thread does read like a stereotyped view of Christians vs. respecting individual personalities. Yet,  you do want to see the reverse expectations, viewing your dd as an individual without any stereotyped connotations whether they be about gays, activists, or pagans. (which is understandable.  I completely get what you are saying.) 

This is a thread that I normally wouldn't enter into at all.  It is only bc the discussion is taking place about people with absolutely no knowledge of who they are or what they believe as individuals that I entered into it at all.  I guess it is the presumptions behind some of the posts, whether intended or not.  They are stereotypes.

For example, 

On 6/26/2018 at 11:26 PM, KarenNC said:

Well, she's now on roommate #3, a fellow homeschooler, which could go well or really badly depending, though I would think that those homeschooling for reasons that would make it more likely to go really badly are probably headed to much more religiously-oriented colleges. Time will tell. Unfortunately, she's reached a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" stage.

I read the above as full of stereotypes.  Are those who homeschool bc they are Christians more likely to make things go really badly? Are those who homeschool bc they are Christians more likely to head to much more religiously-oriented colleges?  Are those Christians who homeschool more likely to make things go worse than public school Christians? There are just so many underlying stereotypes to that sentence that, yes, I read it as another example beyond the one I responded to that shows that you are operating on the same premise that you are projecting on them, stereotyped possible expectations.

I know we homeschool for many reasons both academic and religious. FWIW,  as devout Christians, our kids have never considered religiously-oriented colleges.  

 

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43 minutes ago, 8FillTheHeart said:

I agree that based on our participation on the forums over the yrs that mutual respect exists and that my use of condemn was an inappropriate word choice.  However, your thread does read like a stereotyped view of Christians vs. respecting individual personalities. Yet,  you do want to see the reverse expectations, viewing your dd as an individual without any stereotyped connotations whether they be about gays, activists, or pagans. (which is understandable.  I completely get what you are saying.) 

This is a thread that I normally wouldn't enter into at all.  It is only bc the discussion is taking place about people with absolutely no knowledge of who they are or what they believe as individuals that I entered into it at all.  I guess it is the presumptions behind some of the posts, whether intended or not.  They are stereotypes.

For example, 

I read the above as full of stereotypes.  Are those who homeschool bc they are Christians more likely to make things go really badly? Are those who homeschool bc they are Christians more likely to head to much more religiously-oriented colleges?  Are those Christians who homeschool more likely to make things go worse than public school Christians? There are just so many underlying stereotypes to that sentence that, yes, I read it as another example beyond the one I responded to that shows that you are operating on the same premise that you are projecting on them, stereotyped possible expectations.

I know we homeschool for many reasons both academic and religious. FWIW,  as devout Christians, our kids have never considered religiously-oriented colleges.  

 

I think a miscommunication might be happening because you are taking my comments that I have tried very hard to keep intentionally limited in scope and applying them to "all Christians." It has never been my intention to make any such statements nor is it my belief. I am concerned here with actions.

a)  "you do want to see the reverse expectations, viewing your dd as an individual without any stereotyped connotations" --  I haven't said that I expect others to have no stereotypes or assumptions about my daughter. It's human nature to classify. I have said that I think it's bad policy for the university to allow students to *act* by changing roommate assignments in the random pool prior to move-in without any information to the other person about why, particularly in a very small group ( about 175-200 entering the honors college) that will be interacting heavily for the entirety of their time at the school. It *needlessly* sets up the likelihood of very awkward or even negative interaction between them in the future. If the first two girls did change because of stereotypes *without bothering to have even a rudimentary conversation about the subject* with my daughter, then, yes, that would reflect negatively on them in my eyes. This is entirely independent of their religious affiliations, if any, which we do not know. This third girl has stated that she is Christian, so that is not an assumption, and has been willing to engage in conversation to see if they will be a reasonable match, which I have applauded. If they were to now to mutually decide to seek other roommates, I wouldn't see it as negative and I think their future interactions would not be needlessly harmed, because they *communicated* before acting. So far, there isn't an indication that either is planning to request a change, and I hope things go well. They've started out on the right foot.

b) "a fellow homeschooler, which could go well or really badly depending, though I would think that those homeschooling for reasons that would make it more likely to go really badly are probably headed to much more religiously-oriented colleges."  At that point, the girl had stated she was a homeschooler. That could mean they had a bit of common experience that might help make a connection (totally apart from religion--maybe they could commiserate about Saxon math ? ), but it could also go quite a different way. Our experience has repeatedly shown us that there are certain people who state that they homeschool because they want to completely avoid people who fall into the categories we do, most specifically that they want their children to be around only other people who are as much like them religiously/socially/politically as possible. These people have made it abundantly and specifically clear that not only will "outsiders" not be tolerated, much less welcomed, they are actively discouraged or outright forbidden, sight unseen. I made an assumption that someone who has put that much effort into segregrating themselves and their children to that extent would be more likely than those in the general homeschool population to seek out colleges that promote a similar level of segregation as a marketing point. I erred in not saying something like "much more narrowly-focused colleges" instead, since such self-segregation sometimes happens for other reasons as well, religion is just the most common one we've experienced. These are people who have invested intensely in avoiding even casual meetings with those who are different and outright stated that such meetings are extremely dangerous, so it is more likely, IMO, that trying to put someone from this group with my daughter is not likely to work out on even a basic level. Again, this is not "Christians," it is people whose previous behavior have given pretty clear indications of likely future behavior. It could apply to those in any group who has similarly self-segregated. I have no idea at the present moment whether or not this girl falls into such a self-segregating group, but I don't consider it as highly likely at a state school, though it remains a possibility, as you rightly point out. You made the assumption that I meant "any Christian who homeschools," which is just not there. Note that I also don't say "all religiously-affiliated colleges." There is a spectrum of openness to diversity among religiously-affiliated schools. 

c) "Are those who homeschool bc they are Christians more likely to make things go really badly? Are those who homeschool bc they are Christians more likely to head to much more religiously-oriented colleges?  Are those Christians who homeschool more likely to make things go worse than public school Christians? " Again, you are the one who assumed I meant not only Christian homeschoolers, but all Christians. The statement had nothing to do with anyone's level of devoutness or belief but rather to their demonstrated dedication to as complete self-segregation as possible, which, yes, I do assume is usually motivated by a religious reason because that's what we've most commonly encountered here in NC. Since they also did this to other Christians who weren't the "right kind of Christian," I do not apply it to "all Christian homeschoolers." The question of homeschooled Christian vs. public school Christian is not even hinted at in the statement you quoted, as far as I can tell. I am guilty of using a bit of short-hand in not spelling out that I meant "homeschoolers who have chosen to homeschool primarily in the pursuit of as total a self-segregation as possible for whatever reason" when I referred to those more likely to be a bad fit. It could include anyone who self-segregates to that extent, for social or political reasons as well as for religious reasons. Hopefully I have given a clearer picture.

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OK, she's now on roommate #4 and in a different room, but things are actually much better. She has finally been able to get the school to tell her that none of the changes were personal, all were the result of departmental shuffling ?. She's been told that this should be the last change as wish lists to be in specific rooms close on the 20th and they don't have any more honors wish lists to deal with. She and roommate #3 have parted on good terms and the new roommate is from our area, so there's the potential for meeting ahead of time and, hopefully, shared rides at least occasionally. She's reached out to the new girl, (though I would have been tempted to wait until after the 20th myself, just in case), so we'll see how that goes.

I cannot for the life of me understand why the university employs such a method. So much disruption, frustration, confusion, wasted time trying to plan on room arrangement, and potential for awkwardness and ill feelings could have been avoided by simply not sending out the assignments until after the 20th. Even if they would have stated in the assignment that all situations should be considered tentative until after July 20th it would have been an improvement. The school also sent her an email saying that the change was "per your wishlist request," which was highly confusing as she'd not made such a request. The school said it was just their standard wording.? I *really* want a chance to fill out a customer service survey on this!

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Ds1 didn't get to pick his roommates until junior year.  He had a different roommate assignment every semester (directed by his corps company leadership).

Ds2's school prides itself on the fact that freshmen assignments are done by hand by a couple sophomores.  Students are assigned to dorms via algorithm but roommates by hand using a questionnaire and a letter they write to their prospective roommate.

The process your family is encountering seems to have a lot of confusion and potential for misunderstandings. 

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3 minutes ago, MerryAtHope said:

Well, that's good for her to know finally, but wow, what a lot of unnecessary angst the college could have prevented!

Exactly. She would still not know if she hadn't called and pressed for information. The school has yet to actually tell her previous roommate they made a switch. My daughter had to tell her.

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I wouldn't be waiting for a satisfaction survey to contact the head of housing to let them know about the stress their weird policy and poorly-worded form letter have caused.  I would wait until your dd is moved in, but then LET THEM KNOW!  How many students are walking around thinking their roommates didn't like them and requested a change???  

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11 hours ago, KarenNC said:

Exactly. She would still not know if she hadn't called and pressed for information. The school has yet to actually tell her previous roommate they made a switch. My daughter had to tell her.

The first two probably thought that your dd ditched them too. She might want to write a quick text explaining that the whole thing is the housing administration being incompetent and not anyone requesting a change. It just seems like there are a whole bunch of soon-to-be freshman questioning their social desirability because housing keeps shuffling people around without explaining that they're the ones doing the shuffling.

 

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1 hour ago, chiguirre said:

The first two probably thought that your dd ditched them too. She might want to write a quick text explaining that the whole thing is the housing administration being incompetent and not anyone requesting a change. It just seems like there are a whole bunch of soon-to-be freshman questioning their social desirability because housing keeps shuffling people around without explaining that they're the ones doing the shuffling.

 


And mutual grudges from each person in each pair that thinks that the other rejected them.  
That sounds like a great way to start dorm life  (sarcasm alert).  

I don't understand though how the school would have a logistical reason to do this.   

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