Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 Let's say you have a family where 2 adult son's launched ---21 and 22. Also in the family is a college girl who is 5 or 6 hours away in a dorm and a 17 year old who comes for visitation. The parents in this family downsized to a small 3/2 maybe 1000s when the older boys left and college girl went to college. But the college girl and the 17 yo boy each had a room there. Then shortly after downsizing, both adult sons return home. They each take a bedroom and leave the college girl and 17 year old to sleep on the sofa and a blow up bed in the living room. This situation really bugs me for the college girl and 17 year old. Am I just being silly to be irritated by it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scholastica Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 I would tend to agree with you for the most part. Although I can see the college girl having to give up her room. She's probably not there that much and so to keep a room empty when others need it seems silly. The 17 yo should still have his room. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 I think if there are limited bedrooms available, those who live in the home should have their own rooms, and those who just visit occasionally do not need their own room. There may be valid reasons for the young men to live in their parents' home. It's not up to us to judge. It's nice if college kids have their room back home, but it is ridiculous for a room to sit empty most of the time if there aren't enough bedrooms for the people who actually live in the home. 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 I'd put up a bunk bed in one of the bedrooms. Then the two adult sons who are always there can sleep in one room when college girl or 17yo son visit, and the visitor can have the second bedroom. When both college girl and 17yo are there at the same time, whoever is staying longer gets the 2nd room and the other can have the air mattress or couch. 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 I think the feeling might be colored by background info, like whether the adult children who returned home are able to live independently. If they *could* live independently and aren't and are taking a room from a 17 yo (who is not even legally an adult and ought to have a home), it feels ungracious. They might offer to bunk up or take the couch themselves under that circumstance. But if these are, say, adults with disabilities who cannot live independently and that twist was unexpected, then it seems more logical that they have their own rooms. So maybe it's the backstory that makes it bother you? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 20 and 21 aren’t that old. The parents obviously are ok with them living at home. The older boys are the ones living there. I don’t see a problem. And I don’t see why it would be anyone’s business outside of that family. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 define "launched". living at home while working and saving money to move out on their own? in school to develop more marketable skills? sleeping on a blow up mattress in the middle of the living room when there is limited space is hard on everyone. I'd put both boys in the same room. bunk beds take little floor space. if you have the floor space you could to the beds that have a dresser/desk underneath the bed. closet organizers to increase closet storage space. (rubbermaid has some decent quality affordable sets.) the other room can be set up similarly for the other two. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 16 minutes ago, klmama said: I'd put up a bunk bed in one of the bedrooms. Then the two adult sons who are always there can sleep in one room when college girl or 17yo son visit, and the visitor can have the second bedroom. When both college girl and 17yo are there at the same time, whoever is staying longer gets the 2nd room and the other can have the air mattress or couch. This is what I would do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 I think the ones living there should get the rooms. If the visits from the 17 yr old are frequent (every weekend?), then perhaps a bunk bed or trundle bed or some other situation where he is able to bunk with one of the adult boys in a real bed as a "shared room" situation, so that 17 yr old doesn't feel like as the "step son" (presuming since it was said he comes for visitation) he's less of a "real son". But college girl who I assume is only coming home the occasional weekend, summer, etc., is on her way to launching and shouldn't be expected to keep a room full time while not home, not while others need the space. If the 2 adult boys would rather bunk together so that 17 yr old can have his own room when he's there, that would also be a solution; if it was unexpected that they return home, then some level of compromise/making things work for the whole family is certainly not unreasonable. I wouldn't put them on the couch &/or blow-up bed, though; I'd be finding a way to make real bed space for those who need it. Bunk beds, or small twin beds, or some other "we share a room" configuration, with the live-in adult sons getting to help figure it out (including who is going to share). If the college girl is there more often, then maybe some other solution for that, too, but if it's just the here & there weekend, and mainly an issue over the summer, then I'd let it be. (well, maybe consider a solution for the summer if she'll be there the whole time, just 'cause I wouldn't want a house guest/family member on the sofa for 3 months because it disrupts the family life to have that). But, I'm speaking as one who was the displaced college girl; when my stepbrother moved in with my mom & stepdad (*newly acquired, once I was in college) he got my room and my parents put up a portable/temporary wall across the open dining room and a curtain across the doorway to the kitchen and that became my room. These are the kinds of solutions I'd look at for the college girl for the summer, or one of the adult boys if neither wants to share with the 17 yr old when he visits, or whatever. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 27 minutes ago, PeterPan said: I think the feeling might be colored by background info, like whether the adult children who returned home are able to live independently. If they *could* live independently and aren't and are taking a room from a 17 yo (who is not even legally an adult and ought to have a home), it feels ungracious. They might offer to bunk up or take the couch themselves under that circumstance. But if these are, say, adults with disabilities who cannot live independently and that twist was unexpected, then it seems more logical that they have their own rooms. So maybe it's the backstory that makes it bother you? No disabilities. Both are working adults with full time jobs who moved out for a year or so and now are back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 24 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said: 20 and 21 aren’t that old. The parents obviously are ok with them living at home. The older boys are the ones living there. I don’t see a problem. And I don’t see why it would be anyone’s business outside of that family. How about the parent of one of those kids? Maybe not their 'business' but certainly I would think most parents would be irritated by that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 I know it won't kill college girl or 17 year old to not have their rooms. I just think if I were them I would feel kicked out or less than. So it is the feelings I am worried about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 It seems to me that the people sleeping in the home every single night should have the bedrooms, and those who only visit occasionally be made comfortable elsewhere. But I also think it may be sensible when both girls are there to let them share the bedroom (if possible) and for the son to take the couch. But I'm mostly all about practicality. And the above arrangements would inconvenience myownself the least. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 10 minutes ago, TheReader said: But, I'm speaking as one who was the displaced college girl; when my stepbrother moved in with my mom & stepdad (*newly acquired, once I was in college) he got my room and my parents put up a portable/temporary wall across the open dining room and a curtain across the doorway to the kitchen and that became my room. These are the kinds of solutions I'd look at for the college girl for the summer, or one of the adult boys if neither wants to share with the 17 yr old when he visits, or whatever. How did you feel about it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 7 minutes ago, Pawz4me said: It seems to me that the people sleeping in the home every single night should have the bedrooms, and those who only visit occasionally be made comfortable elsewhere. But I also think it may be sensible when both girls are there to let them share the bedroom (if possible) and for the son to take the couch. But I'm mostly all about practicality. And the above arrangements would inconvenience myownself the least. One girl (college) 1 17 year old boy and two adult men. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 4 minutes ago, Scarlett said: One girl (college) 1 17 year old and two adult men. Ok. Sorry for the misreading. I'd have both males share a bedroom when the girl is home, and let her have the other room. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 I wonder if it matters that the two adults are son of husband son of wife and the college girl is dd of husband and the 17 year old is son of wife. In other words, a blended family. If I was the college girl or the 17 year old I certainly would not feel welcome there for weekends and summer if my room was given away to grown men with jobs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 Well if it weren’t my house I would not care. If it were my house I’d set up the rooms to accomodate all 4. Trundles, lofts, etc. I’d for sure have a decent set up for the 17 year old until he/she was off to college. I see no reason to hold a room empty while there was no one in it though. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 1 hour ago, happysmileylady said: Well, not my monkeys not my circus if it’s not happening in my own house. But if it were in my house, those who have moved out on their own and come back after the home is downsized are the ones who get to be uncomfortable. Yes, I guess this is how I feel about it. I would probably be ok with the adults using the rooms while the college girl and underage kid weren't there. But I would insist on the girl and boy having use of their rooms when home and that said rooms were cleaned before the kids got there...clean sheets for sure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frogger Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 Blended families are tricky because instead of just the practical thinking about where everyone sleeps there is the issue of perceptions and feelings. I'm not sure a room of their own will make the difference. It could possibly be the proverbial straw that broke the camels back if you are walking a fine line building trust, etc. I split my time between 2 families as a child. In one I felt completely at home whether I had my own room or not. My room situation varied over the years. In one I had my own room specially decorated for me and it was my main residence and where I went to school and I still felt like an outsider in that family and still do. The relationships and how close I was to each family member, the lack of shared good times, and struggle to find a common language was a much bigger deal. Since this is a worry for you I'm going to assume that perhaps there is more to it but really I'm not sure what you can do if it's not your home. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 1 minute ago, frogger said: Blended families are tricky because instead of just the practical thinking about where everyone sleeps there is the issue of perceptions and feelings. I'm not sure a room of their own will make the difference. It could possibly be the proverbial straw that broke the camels back if you are walking a fine line building trust, etc. I split my time between 2 families as a child. In one I felt completely at home whether I had my own room or not. My room situation varied over the years. In one I had my own room specially decorated for me and it was my main residence and where I went to school and I still felt like an outsider in that family and still do. The relationships and how close I was to each family member, the lack of shared good times, and struggle to find a common language was a much bigger deal. Since this is a worry for you I'm going to assume that perhaps there is more to it but really I'm not sure what you can do if it's not your home. Well, you are right there is nothing I can do, I was only asking to see if my perception is 'off'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 You keep saying “adult sons” as if that is a salient point. They are adults but they are also college aged sons even if they are not in college. And in today’s economy it can be hard to live on their own at those ages. They are sons who are living at home. The other two are children who are visiting. If they visit for short stays then sleeping on the couch is no big deal. If they are visiting weekly or for months at a time then in most families kids that age can advocate for themselves and can suggest alternate sleeping arrangements. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 2 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said: You keep saying “adult sons” as if that is a salient point. They are adults but they are also college aged sons even if they are not in college. And in today’s economy it can be hard to live on their own at those ages. They are sons who are living at home. The other two are children who are visiting. If they visit for short stays then sleeping on the couch is no big deal. If they are visiting weekly or for months at a time then in most families kids that age can advocate for themselves and can suggest alternate sleeping arrangements. I think the fact that they are adults is a key point. Also, they did live on their own. They are just back now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frogger Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 3 minutes ago, Scarlett said: Well, you are right there is nothing I can do, I was only asking to see if my perception is 'off'. I understand. It's hard. Very hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 I just remembered when this mother first moved in with this man. The two kids who already lived there had bedrooms and they kept them. The woman's two boys who were 7 and 12 at the time slept on the couch for over a year. Eventually they enclosed a back porch for the two boys. So I really shouldn't be surprised by any of this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 5 minutes ago, Scarlett said: I think the fact that they are adults is a key point. I don't see the point of the bolded. The college girl is an adult as well, and the 17 y/o will be an adult next year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 Just now, regentrude said: I don't see the point of the bolded. The college girl is an adult as well, and the 17 y/o will be an adult next year. Well, the point is they are adults and capable of supporting themselves. The 17 year old is not. Because he isn't an adult. And the college girl is certainly still dependent on them since, well she is in college. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 4 minutes ago, Scarlett said: Well, the point is they are adults and capable of supporting themselves. The 17 year old is not. Because he isn't an adult. And the college girl is certainly still dependent on them since, well she is in college. What does that have to do with anything? They are family. For whatever reason, the family has decided that it is best for them to live with their parents. So now this household consists of multiple adults each of which is capable of supporting themselves, but they choose to live as one household. As do the two parents who also are each capable of supporting themselves but choose to live together because they are a couple. I don't get why 20 year olds MUST move out or sleep on the couch. I don't get the judgment behind your posts. 9 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocassie Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 My children are not there yet, but this would be how I would handle it. 1. Children are all old enough that they can in on the solution. Maybe frame the situation, and say hey how can we work this out so everyone can be most comfortable as can be in a small house. Depends on the person, of course, but college DD or 17yo DS may say, "I'm hardly ever home, the sofa is good with me." Rather than feel leftout, pushed out, or a visitor, they have a say in their home. This would be my first choice. 2. I would probably have blood siblings share rooms. I know not everyone is okay with mixed sex siblings sharing, but my family would be okay with it especially since it would not be permanent. Adult son with college sister and then adult son with 17yo. I probably would do bunk beds and which ever sibling is living their day to day, I would let them choose which bed. For the most part, the "visiting" children would not be there, but I would want to make them feel like it was still home to them by having a bed and a spot(s) for their things. In particular I would not want the 17yo to feel like a visitor in my home whether that child was my biological or step. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 51 minutes ago, Scarlett said: How about the parent of one of those kids? Maybe not their 'business' but certainly I would think most parents would be irritated by that. Irritated with what? With a 20 y/o young adult moving back home? I would imagine that in a functional family, this decision has been discussed among the parents and with the kids. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 4 minutes ago, Scarlett said: Well, the point is they are adults and capable of supporting themselves. The 17 year old is not. Because he isn't an adult. And the college girl is certainly still dependent on them since, well she is in college. As definitions, these don't work. For example, in my family, the undergrad son is self-supporting and debt free, and lives on his own, and is getting married this summer to another college student who is self-supporting and debt free. His brother has a full time career as a trade apprentice yet lives at home with no plans of moving soon; in fact, we just fixed up the garage apartment to make it more comfortable for him to stay as long as he likes. The first son occasionally needs money - in the form of $100 or less, usually, that he pays back within a week or two, but is thriving on his own and has been an adult in every sense for awhile now. The second son doesn't need our money at all, but he does need a family to live with. He's mature and responsible, no less an adult than his brother. They're both college age, both able to support themselves, both our sons who have good relationships with us... I think you should MYOB if nobody asked you to solve this for them, Scarlett. Blended families make decisions that don't suit outsiders; this can be equally true for families with young adults. Everybody's got an opinion but the only opinions that count are those of the family. If you're worried about the two kids who have to sleep on the sofa, they are getting older, too, and will be able to make their own choices concerning how they want to live. It's not like they are little children without a roof over their head, about whom the neighbors should be concerned. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 I think it’s fine for the two non-college young adults to have a room each when the rooms are unused. However, they should be taught to “bunk together” when anyone else is visiting or home from college. In most homes, siblings who bunking together (when they normally have separate rooms) to create a guest room on an as-needed is really normal. If all 4 are home at once... I really think the guest room should go to the girl. There are privacy concerns for any girl or woman. (Concerns are normal around her body, sleepwear and dressing; plus the sense of a need for extra privacy during menstruation; plus the sense of vulnerability during sleep.) In a blended family, sometimes not all of the household males are biologically related to a woman or girl who lives there. In this case it would be even more critical for her to have a room when she comes to stay. It is also possible to share out the parents’ room if it eases the pressure of ‘everyone’ home at once. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 6 minutes ago, rocassie said: My children are not there yet, but this would be how I would handle it. 1. Children are all old enough that they can in on the solution. Maybe frame the situation, and say hey how can we work this out so everyone can be most comfortable as can be in a small house. Depends on the person, of course, but college DD or 17yo DS may say, "I'm hardly ever home, the sofa is good with me." Rather than feel leftout, pushed out, or a visitor, they have a say in their home. This would be my first choice. 2. I would probably have blood siblings share rooms. I know not everyone is okay with mixed sex siblings sharing, but my family would be okay with it especially since it would not be permanent. Adult son with college sister and then adult son with 17yo. I probably would do bunk beds and which ever sibling is living their day to day, I would let them choose which bed. For the most part, the "visiting" children would not be there, but I would want to make them feel like it was still home to them by having a bed and a spot(s) for their things. In particular I would not want the 17yo to feel like a visitor in my home whether that child was my biological or step. Yes. This is my main point and why it bugs me so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 4 minutes ago, regentrude said: Irritated with what? With a 20 y/o young adult moving back home? I would imagine that in a functional family, this decision has been discussed among the parents and with the kids. They are 21 and 22. But no my irritation is not that they moved back home. My irritation is the dependent kids have been made to feel like visitors and lost their rooms to adults who moved back home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 3 minutes ago, Tibbie Dunbar said: As definitions, these don't work. For example, in my family, the undergrad son is self-supporting and debt free, and lives on his own, and is getting married this summer to another college student who is self-supporting and debt free. His brother has a full time career as a trade apprentice yet lives at home with no plans of moving soon; in fact, we just fixed up the garage apartment to make it more comfortable for him to stay as long as he likes. The first son occasionally needs money - in the form of $100 or less, usually, that he pays back within a week or two, but is thriving on his own and has been an adult in every sense for awhile now. The second son doesn't need our money at all, but he does need a family to live with. He's mature and responsible, no less an adult than his brother. They're both college age, both able to support themselves, both our sons who have good relationships with us... I think you should MYOB if nobody asked you to solve this for them, Scarlett. Blended families make decisions that don't suit outsiders; this can be equally true for families with young adults. Everybody's got an opinion but the only opinions that count are those of the family. If you're worried about the two kids who have to sleep on the sofa, they are getting older, too, and will be able to make their own choices concerning how they want to live. It's not like they are little children without a roof over their head, about whom the neighbors should be concerned. It is a conversation about how others would feel if their kid was pushed out of their room to make room for adults returning home. I am not actually trying to mind their business. And yes, I know a lot about blended families. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 2 minutes ago, happysmileylady said: Why are you irritated by a decision that some other family made that doesn’t have anything to do with you? Things that affect my kids have a lot to do with me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 I am perplexed why the go to answer on these type of discussions is 'mind your own business.' We have discussions all of the time about things that aren't our business. Good grief. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 9 minutes ago, Scarlett said: It is a conversation about how others would feel if their kid was pushed out of their room to make room for adults returning home. I think it would depend entirely on how much time the kid is spending in that house. A kid who is on 50-50 shared custody and lives there two weeks out of every month? yes, he should keep his own room. A kid that visits the occasional weekend? If there is not enough room for every person to have a bedroom, I would understand that this kid cannot keep a separate room at the house. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 13 minutes ago, Scarlett said: They are 21 and 22. But no my irritation is not that they moved back home. My irritation is the dependent kids have been made to feel like visitors and lost their rooms to adults who moved back home. But from your OP I understood that the kids are, in fact, visitors? you say the 17 y/o is coming for visitation, and the girl is a college student residing in a dorm 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 5 minutes ago, happysmileylady said: Is your kid irritated? I don’t know that it’s the go to, but this is a case where no one is being harmed so why waste the time and energy? Hard to say because he does not speak up about anything. He is very much a go along to get along type kid. Tries to please everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 I don't understand why you emphasize the "adult returning home" thing - you say this as if this was automatically a bad thing that should not be allowed to happen. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 4 minutes ago, regentrude said: But from your OP I understood that the kids are, in fact, visitors? you say the 17 y/o is coming for visitation, and the girl is a college student residing in a dorm Calling them visitors is not accurate. But anyway, I think it comes down to feelings not practicality. And I doubt those without blended families can understand my feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 5 minutes ago, happysmileylady said: Is this your stepson? Yes. The 17 year old is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 1 minute ago, Scarlett said: Calling them visitors is not accurate. How often are they actually in the house? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 1 minute ago, regentrude said: I don't understand why you emphasize the "adult returning home" thing - you say this as if this was automatically a bad thing that should not be allowed to happen. Yes. This is what people are reacting to. The intense sounding judgement. Perhaps "going along to get along" isn't such a bad thing. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 2 minutes ago, regentrude said: I don't understand why you emphasize the "adult returning home" thing - you say this as if this was automatically a bad thing that should not be allowed to happen. I don't know how you got that I think it is 'bad' from me explaining that they are adults who returned home. Bedrooms were set up for the college girl and 17 year old boy.....adults moved back in and displaced the youngers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 1 minute ago, Jean in Newcastle said: Yes. This is what people are reacting to. The intense sounding judgement. Perhaps "going along to get along" isn't such a bad thing. The thing I feel judgy about is the kids who had rooms set up in this new home are moved out of said rooms so that someone else can move back in. I don't think I would care WHO moved back in. I mentioned that they are adults who moved back so it was clear they could live on their own. It isn't like disabled relative or elderly grandparent moved in. So anyway, I don't feel good about it, but obviously some of you all think it is no big deal. I asked because I wondered how others might see it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 3 minutes ago, Scarlett said: Yes. The 17 year old is. Well that at least explains why you're feeling frustrated, because you have maternal concern for him. That's tough. In general, when I've stayed with family or had family stay with us (all kinds of funky situations), people have always moved beds as a way to shows graciousness and concern. You give your guests your best beds, end of discussion. So it's not so much the not having the beds that bothers you as that they don't seem to be welcoming or wanting them to feel wanted or comfortable. And that's rough. And if people were perfect, well that would be some kind of strange tv show and not reality, lol. I'm with you, it would be nice if they made SOME kind of effort. The kids are old enough to pipe up and refuse to go. Do they have the legal power to say they don't want to go? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 3 minutes ago, Scarlett said: The thing I feel judgy about is the kids who had rooms set up in this new home are moved out of said rooms so that someone else can move back in. I don't think I would care WHO moved back in. I mentioned that they are adults who moved back so it was clear they could live on their own. It isn't like disabled relative or elderly grandparent moved in. So anyway, I don't feel good about it, but obviously some of you all think it is no big deal. I asked because I wondered how others might see it. It seems very immature on the part of the older step-siblings not to at least offer, yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frogger Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 You want young adults to feel completely at home with a family they visit. I would want that for my children too but at the same time it's a tall order. You also don't want to recognize, regardless of age, that the 2 oldest sons also are the parent's children. Honestly, in my family the children decide who shares a room. They are very close. I could see 2 of my sons having their own room since they live there then bunking together while my daughter visits so she could have a room being the only girl but they would leave their stuff in there since they actually live there but make space for her to hang her clothes and give her privacy for the weekend while my other son slept on the couch. It would be decided by what's the most practical on honestly it sounds the most practical for people who actually live there to utilize the space. Families work like that without feeling left out or less than. The problem is the baggage or the previous hurt feelings or feelings of abandonment that sometimes occurs with blended families. People are not always able to just think of what's practical anymore. That is why you probably won't be able to win an argument with people who are talking practically about where stuff and beds should go. You are asking for the impractical for reasons of emotion and no I'm not using that word to make it seem less important. Emotions are VERY important. But to support the impracticality you are making the older boys less important at least it seems that way. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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