Family/Thanksgiving frustrations. How would you handle this? (WAY long. Sorry!)

[Colleen]

I wonder if people with "normal" families know how fortunate they are. And yes, there are such folks. I know many of them...I'm just not among their ranks.:o

 

So we're coming up on (American) Thanksgiving (just in case you didn't know:tongue_smilie:) and I'm once again wondering what we'll be doing that day. Generally, we end up going to my parents' (2.5 hour drive south of us). We don't see a great deal of them, and they aren't particularly interested in coming our way on a holiday (and my father's health isn't superb, either). My oldest brother and his wife and 12 yo son go to my parents' place. I am not close ~ at all ~ to this brother, but my boys like to have time with this cousin. My other brother and his wife and grown daughter may or may not be there. I am closer to this brother, but not intimately so. Neither of these brothers hosts Thanksgiving. Netiher is willing to come to our place for the day. That's basically why we end up at my parents' home. Meanwhile, my sister, who lives in the general area but whom I haven't seen in 6+ years, will celebrate Thanksgiving separately, on another day, with my parents. This is because some of us (my oldest brother and I), with VERY good reason, will not be in the company of her husband, my bil. Long story, which I've touched upon here in the past.

 

Okay, yada yada yada. My mother never actually invites anyone over for Thanksgiving. She never says anything about the holiday and I'm inevitably forced to ask if it's okay if we come over that day, at which point she acts as if it's common knowledge we're all welcome, etc. Regardless of what I offer to bring, how I offer to help, she spends loads of time in the kitchen while my father grumbles about how hard Mom has to work and so on and so forth. A couple of years ago my oldest brother arranged for whomever wanted to have Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant. I opted out, but he and my parents went. My mom didn't care for eating out on a holiday and still ended up working/baking because she wanted us all to have dessert at her place after the restaurant meal.

 

In an effort to take on more of the burden (including financial) myself, I thought this year I'd bring and prepare the turkey. I was planning to order an organic one from my food co-op and bring it over the day before. (It so happens I'm taking my boys to a play down that way the day before Thanksgiving anyway, so I'll be there by Wednesday evening.)

 

A few weeks ago, I was at my parents' home and I brought all this up. I first asked if there were any Thanksgiving plans yet, to which my mom replied ~ as I knew she would ~ that she hadn't given it any thought. This was mid-October, remember. I said at the risk of inviting myself over, I'd be taking the boys to a play on Wednesday, hoping to come to their place after and spend Thanksgiving. She made noises, as she does, expressing the assumption that we'd be there and so on. I then said, "How about if I bring the bird and take care of that?" Here's how the conversation played out from there on out:

 

"The bird? The BIRD?! Oh, for goodness sake. Oh, my God."

 

"Ummm, what is it? What's wrong?"

 

"I hadn't even planned on MAKING a d*mn bird this year. I'm sick to death of dealing with the carcass, dealing with all that extra meat..."

 

"Okay. How about if I deal with it? Or why not just...throw out the carcass?"

 

"I can't just throw out good food like that. Oh, my God. Oh, I don't know. What do you want me to say? I had planned [remember, she told me earlier she'd not even thought yet about Thanksgiving?] on making a ham and a turkey breast."

 

"Okay, how about if I bring the meat?" (One issue, btw, is that her kitchen, like mine, is short on space. She doesn't want me in there doing a lot of work while she's in there, too. So I figured the meat would be the easiest thing to just take care of and get out of the way.)

 

"Oh, no. Look, if I'm going to have to make the dinner, I want to be the one who buys the food so I know what I'm dealing with."

 

"But...that's the point. You don't have to make the whole dinner or deal with it all."

 

"Have I ever complained about that?!?!!"

 

"No, but it's not very comfortable to come over here and listen to Dad complaining about how you're slaving away in the kitchen. He resents it, and he makes that clear to the rest of us."

 

"Well, that's none of his business! If I want to do it, that's my business. I can't...You're just SPRINGING all this on me and what am I supposed to say?!"

 

"Springing it on you? It's mid-October! I'm making a suggestion, offering to help, and you're yelling at me."

 

"Why is it we never get along?"

 

At which point, I felt beyond frustrated and gave up. I had just enjoyed spending several days at my parents, having not seen them since early August. I had also shared with my mother about the continuing relational difficulties in my marriage. It hurt me that she'd say we don't get along ~ granted we are never "closey-close" in the way some mothers and daughters are ~ and I was utterly confused as to why this was all so aggravating to her.

 

This conversation took place right before I was about to leave. I tried to quell my upset, got the boys ready to go, etc. Standing in the drive, right before I left, I said to my mom, "I don't know what I said or did wrong. I'm sorry you feel like we never get along. I don't agree with that, and honestly, I have more than enough emotional drama in my life without dealing with this kind of thing."

 

"Well, I do feel like we don't get along. That's how I feel," she said. I was on the verge of breaking down at that point and I said, "Well, since that's how you feel, maybe in the future I should just bring my boys here and leave them so you won't have to be around me!" She turned around and walked into the house and slammed the door. I spent the first hour of the drive home with tears streaming down my face, trying to put on a cheerful voice/face for the boys.:sad:

 

A few days later I sent my mom a card. I wrote that I was sorry I upset her, that it certainly wasn't my intent to do so, and that we always enjoy being at their home. I said I'm sorry she feels we don't get along, I love her very much ~ basically, just said I was sorry (although honestly, I have NO idea what I did wrong) and tried to reach out to her.

 

I've heard nothing from her.

 

Even in the best of times, my mother never phones me ~ she is not a phone person ~ and we typically go for weeks (at least) without touching base. So even if all was well, I wouldn't hear from her. But all is not well, and she is a grudge holder. So now I am at a loss as to what to make of all this ~ and what, if anything, to plan (or not) for Thanksgiving. My boys have asked me if we're going to my parents' and I told them I'm not sure.

 

Do I write again? Do I call and ask if she received my note of apology and try to just move forward? I am upset and confused, but for the sake of "normalcy", and for my boys, I want to just move past this. I was hurt by some things that happened in Switzerland with my husband's family. I am hurting in my marriage. It hurts me that this, too, has to be so hard.

 

I'm sorry I wrote so long. I guess I've been "stuffing" this for a few weeks and wanted to get it out of my system. Long story short, how would you handle this now?

[newlifemom]

Well, judging by your avatar I am guessing you live in the NW, so if you have no where to go you could always come here. You can bring/cook whatever you like. :D I wish I had some great pearl for you. I don't know. I will give you this though :grouphug: and sincerely offer you and yours a seat at our table.(Your posts are so interesting I know I would enjoy it.) if it comes to that. I have to say, sometimes families suck(please forgive my language). Praying(if you don't mind) for swift and heartfelt resolution.

[Heather in Savannah]

My dh's family is crazy too. All the emotional blackmail that occurs....grrrr. My dh gets frustrated with his manipulative mother and tells her to go take a hike. I'm usually the peacemaker who tries to get them speaking again. Colleen, I very cautiously suggest....what if you just didn't go to your parents for Thanksgiving, and make your own little celebration? Possibly invite another family or some single's who have no family to celebrate with? Send your mother a little note to tell her that you and your family will have alternate plans this year?? My MIL will refuse to come along with us, and basically wants to be the center of attention by having us all call her and beg her to come. Last time she tried that strategy, I encouraged the family members to comply with her request.....she regretted afterwards that she was not with us.

So, I send :grouphug: :grouphug: your way....you need them. Holiday's unfortunately always seem to bring out the worst in families.

[kalanamak]

I don't really know how I'd handle it....I think I'd call her now when I was calm and when she should be in a good spot (not during meals, not last thing at night, etc), and I would consider just winging it with a cheery "we're excited about coming for Tgiving dinner, anything I can bring?" and seeing her response. If she says no, believe her and ask what time you should arrive. She seems to be able to be blunt if she cares to.

 

As to "doing it all herself", I much prefer doing the whole dinner myself. If my hubby complained about it, I might say it was none of his business, too. But I might also tell him to stuff it, as well, because I dislike negative chatter intensely.

 

Honestly, listening to this, I think that, like many many people, you are in a rut with your parents that isn't happy or friendly, and while it would be nice to break out of it, you can't do it all. They may be just so set in their ways, you are stuck and just have to make the best of it. The fact that she can make you cry for an hour says there is lots of hurt from the past still there. I didn't have hurt with my mother, she was actually my best friend, but she wasn't the easiest of people. She could get defensive, but I knew very well how to disarm her. If I had a mother who didn't want me to bring the meat, etc. I would try to clear the table and clean the whole kitchen, cheery and happy and deflecting any "oh you shouldn'ts" with "I have to work off this food somehow". As a cook, that would be more helpful than bringing the meat.

 

I have no idea if any of this applies to your situation, or is the least bit helpful. You might also consider not talking to her about your personal stuff. This might upset her inside, like she doesn't know how to respond, and in her discomfort and feeling unhappy (possibly because she is unused to having people BE personal with her) says something hurtful like "we don't get along". There is a big quote up on one of the wards at work that says "They won't remember what you said, but they'll remember how you made them feel." If my mother did this to me, I'd start sending little notes and happy photos and little presents once a month or so, to build up the "she made me feel happy" thoughts in your mother. If you care to.

 

And I'm one to talk about working out Thanksgiving.....I'm leaving town this year to avoid the ILs!

[Colleen]

Thanks for your kind words and the invite. It's ironic that often, what should be the simplest things are wrought with the most emotion. Such is life, eh?

[jacqui in mo]

So sorry you're having to deal with this, especially right now. I do pray for you and your marriage & I'll pray that this will be one time that your mother will not hold a grudge & your relationship will be renewed and better than before. Jacqui

[Parrothead]

Sounds to me like your mom isn't a communicator. She probably assumes Thanksgiving dinner at her place is a given and everyone else should automatically be there without prior arrangements. I get this from the ham and turkey breast she has been mulling around in her mind.

 

Her plans obviously aren't your plans. She has this ham idea going, knows what everyone likes and will have what is traditional for her. Why change it? Why question it? And by you asking to help she may think you don't think she is capable any more. That got her dander up and the rest was a defense mechanism.

 

If you know it has been long enough for her to have received your note, call her and ask what time you and yours should be there Thanksgiving. I'd think of a subtle way to make sure she is still on for the ham though. Or call your brother see if he has asked about the meat.

 

She may now think that you are bringing the turkey and you will all end up meatless.

[Colleen]

what if you just didn't go to your parents for Thanksgiving, and make your own little celebration? Possibly invite another family or some single's who have no family to celebrate with?

 

There were times in year's past when we've done that, but it's become more important to me to spend Thanksgiving at my parents' place. We don't go down there during Christmas or Easter; I strongly prefer to stay close to home during those celebrations and share Thanksgiving instead. It's also important to my boys. We live in a community wherein extended families all live close together and see each other often. My boys are acutely aware of that and it makes it all the more special for them when they have a chance to see a grandparent or cousin. I understand their feelings because I never knew anyone in my own extended family.

 

Thanks, Heather, for reading my long-winded post and for your reply and the hugs.

[homeschoolmom]

I don't really know how I'd handle it....I think I'd call her now when I was calm and when she should be in a good spot (not during meals, not last thing at night, etc), and I would consider just winging it with a cheery "we're excited about coming for Tgiving dinner, anything I can bring?" and seeing her response. If she says no, believe her and ask what time you should arrive. She seems to be able to be blunt if she cares to.

 

I agree. For me, sucking it up to my Mom would be less painful than celebrating a holiday without my family when who knows how long we'll all be together. My parents aren't OLD but they aren't young either, kwim? I'd suck it up now though so that by the day the resentment I would feel would be a little less....raw.

 

Hope you get past this and have a good holiday. Family dramas are always so much 'fun.'

 

:grouphug:

[Rhondabee]

(((Colleen)))

 

I'm so sorry. I'm not really very good at dealing with conflict directly. And, during certain times of the month, I'm sure I make even less sense than your mother! I am pretty sure there is *something* bothering *her* about the holidays in general. (maybe having children who won't come all at the same time and at least pretend like they're in a Publix commercial?)

 

So, what I would appreciate if I were her would be a phone call reminding me about the kids' play, and would it still be ok if you stayed at her place Wednesday night? (said as if you *know* that it is ok, you're just being polite) And, then just see where that goes. You might try telling her you know she probably has everything under control, but if there *is* anything she needs for you to do, just let you know.

 

fwiw, my parents are getting to that certain age when they are just rude sometimes! And, I'm sure it would be funny if it didn't cut so close. Like you, I want for my kids to have and love their grandparents. So, I grin and bear it, and hope that one day we'll laugh over it.

 

I pray you have a happy and blessed holiday!

[3lilreds in NC]

 

There were times in year's past when we've done that, but it's become more important to me to spend Thanksgiving at my parents' place. We don't go down there during Christmas or Easter; I strongly prefer to stay close to home during those celebrations and share Thanksgiving instead. It's also important to my boys. We live in a community wherein extended families all live close together and see each other often. My boys are acutely aware of that and it makes it all the more special for them when they have a chance to see a grandparent or cousin. I understand their feelings because I never knew anyone in my own extended family.

 

Thanks, Heather, for reading my long-winded post and for your reply and the hugs.

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry, Colleen. I hate it when something that seems so simple blows up into a Big Deal. I end up feeling as though I'd entered an alternate reality.

 

Given how important it is to you to spend Thanksgiving with your parents, I think you should call your mom. Ask if she got your note, tell her again that you are sorry for upsetting her, and say that you'd still like to come for Thanksgiving.

 

I don't know if you can expect to talk through something like this with your mom; I don't know your relationship. I'd suggest chalking it up to mutant pheromones in the air and letting it drop for the most part. It would be interesting to know why your mom thinks you don't get along - but with emotions high like they are now might not be the best time to discuss it. You might consider bringing it up after the holidays.

 

I hope this makes sense. I'm anticipating my own drama with my ILs coming this weekend so I may not be giving the best advice.

[WTMCassandra]

Colleen, first of all, :grouphug::grouphug:

 

If you feel close enough to your Mom to do so, I might call her and try:

 

"Mom, I don't understand what happened between us when I was leaving from our visit. How can we fix this?"

 

If this doesn't work or somehow more drama ensues, I would do my own Thanksgiving. There are so many other major stressors in your life I'd hate to think of you tiptoeing around your parents' home on Thanksgiving, wondering if people will blow up randomly.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I know the feeling of "Everything else is so hard. Why is *this* [insert simple thing] hard too? And why did people get really mad at me when I was genuinely trying to help?"

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Once]

Colleen :grouphug: to you!

 

It sounds like forgeting Thanksgiving with your family is not much of an option. So, you should do whatever makes *you* comfortable to be sure it happens for your boys. I was in a similar situation once and *I* was not comfortable navigating the relationship maze anymore. It seems you are not as angry about it as I was and only frustrated. That is a better place to be and will serve you well on Thanksgiving Day. My suggestion would be to stay out of the kitchen and let her do what she wants. If your dad complains about it change the subject and do what you do every year. It maybe that she is starting to tire of the work but is not yet willing to pass it on to the next generation. There is a certain amount of humility required for that step and she may need a year or two more with the struggles. Lovingly offer and help when you can but step aside if she doesn't want it and don't let your dad make you feel bad. Have him talk to her himself. She has to relinquish it and she has to do it on her own terms.

 

What strikes me the most is that you are also facing challenges in your marriage and needing her to help by listening. I am wondering if this is one area of your life she is just not able to help you with. Understandably, you turned to someone who you thought would be able to help by sharing wisdom and a loving ear. But not all mothers are well equiped to help their children through such complex and personal subjects and some think they are done helping when the kids move out. If I were you, and I have been, I would find a way to talk to your dh and work it out with him. I found that once the other options were gone, I just had to work it out with dh and the results were pleasing. I'm hoping you find some peace in your marriage, as I know that can often spill into other relationships and make them harder.

 

:grouphug: It is hard to watch our parents age. Someday you maybe able to do the Thanksgiving meal entirely for her and she will thank-you for it. But it sounds like it will be a bit of a wait.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't want to repeat the other things said - except for the hugs. :grouphug:

 

One thing that has helped me with holiday family drama is to think of some of this drama like an actual play. Your mom has her standard lines - the "expected" invitation, the wanting control, the protests that are not really protests. Your dad has his standard lines - the fussing about how hard your mom works. . . The trick is to find your standard lines. I've found that in my husband's family (which is the one we spend holidays with) that my role is to simply agree with all of their lines (even if they contradict)! Thinking of it as a play helps me to find a little bit of distance from it all so that I can actually enjoy the time with them.

[joannqn]

I'm with newlifemom. Our three families should get together. I'm in western Washington.

 

We've tried having Thanksgiving dinner in Portland with my dad, aunt, grandmother, and whichever other family members show up but it isn't a fun place to be. My dad is usually grouchy as he hates holidays so we have to listen to him complain all day. Then everyone else is doing their usual dysfunctional stuff. When I'm there, I often feel like my family is "white trash" because of how they talk and act.

 

We went, though, because my kids like their grandfather. He is a good grandfather...it's just that is negativity can get trying.

 

Then there's the fact that my aunt smokes in their house. Cigarette smell/smoke makes me physically ill. I'm nauseous, can't breathe (get very stuffed up) and my eyes itch. I've even had my conjunctiva swell up from being there too long.

 

So, we stay home. I make a huge meal...all the usual stuff...for just us. It's quiet and a little boring, but at least it isn't miserable and doesn't make me ill.

[Aubrey]

I'm probably a million miles off, but I've got family that's passive-agressive, suspicious, secretive, & old-fashioned crazy. Here's what I think, fwiw--

 

1. Your mom likes to do Thanksgiving. She likes to cook, & she likes people to come & eat.

 

2. Your dad likes the same things (maybe). He shows his love & support of your mom by complaining on her behalf. He's thinking that *he'd* be complaining if he had to do all that work.

 

3. Don't ask about coming at Thanksgiving. It's a standing invitation/date/whatever. You're expected. And welcome, & looked-forward-to.

 

4. Your mom's comment about not getting along was an expression of frustration at your & her inability to communicate the above to ea other. And even that was ill-expressed because she didn't *really* mean that y'all don't get along. She meant she wanted to cook for you.

 

5. By focusing on your mom's comment (as one naturally would), she's more frustrated w/ the communication & too embarrassed to retract her statement. Not completely logical, but I've seen it done before. If you can let it go & not talk about it any more, I bet she'd be grateful.

 

I hope it's that simple. I hope you get to go to your parents' for Thanksgiving & have a wonderful holiday & really connect. I hope the other things improve, too.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Julie in CA]

I'm probably a million miles off, but I've got family that's passive-agressive, suspicious, secretive, & old-fashioned crazy. Here's what I think, fwiw--

 

1. Your mom likes to do Thanksgiving. She likes to cook, & she likes people to come & eat.

 

2. Your dad likes the same things (maybe). He shows his love & support of your mom by complaining on her behalf. He's thinking that *he'd* be complaining if he had to do all that work.

 

3. Don't ask about coming at Thanksgiving. It's a standing invitation/date/whatever. You're expected. And welcome, & looked-forward-to.

 

4. Your mom's comment about not getting along was an expression of frustration at your & her inability to communicate the above to ea other. And even that was ill-expressed because she didn't *really* mean that y'all don't get along. She meant she wanted to cook for you.

 

5. By focusing on your mom's comment (as one naturally would), she's more frustrated w/ the communication & too embarrassed to retract her statement. Not completely logical, but I've seen it done before. If you can let it go & not talk about it any more, I bet she'd be grateful.

 

I hope it's that simple. I hope you get to go to your parents' for Thanksgiving & have a wonderful holiday & really connect. I hope the other things improve, too.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

:iagree: I agree with pretty much everything that Aubrey said. I'd just call them and pretend like none of that other stuff ever happened. I'd just cheerfully ask what time they'd like you there, and if she's thought any more about what you might be able to bring. Give her a chance to "save face" if that's what her psyche requires--some people are just like that. :confused:

 

Then again, I was raised with highly "dysfunctional" parents, and it was either behave like everything was ok, or be willing to break contact altogether. Eventually it became the right thing for me to let the contact with my dad just slip away, but truthfully, you don't sound like you're at that point at all.

 

What helped (and still helps) me to get through some very rocky family relationships is to remember that it's ridiculous to expect someone to change after a whole life of being who they are. Try not to expect what you know they aren't equipped to provide. If it helps you to just get by, you can internally think, "how sad, that so-and-so isn't emotionally able to love those who could be closest to them." It suddenly becomes easier to handle when you remind yourself about how sad it is for them to be missing out, and how blessed you are to be more emotionally available.

 

I'm sorry I don't have a wonderful solution that will suddenly make everything ok. I think about you more often than you would probably believe (and no, I'm not a scary stalker, we just have a similar lifestyle, and some similar problems, I expect. :rolleyes:). Please know that I'll be praying that a wonderful blessing will fall on you on Thanksgiving. I know it's a difficult day for you every year.

[battlemaiden]

This is easy. You tell her, "mom, we can't come this year after all. You see, I have this dear, dear friend online who has invited us to Hawaii. She is setting up her three tents in her back yard and she has kids just our kid's ages, and she loves soccer...I mean really, mom, can you believe it? And the funny thing is, we don't always see eye to eye, and we've even butted keyboards in the past, but she is very forgiving and...well...she truly cares about me. Besides, she has a two month old baby and I can hold him as much as I want and sniff his head."

 

Problem solved.

 

And I would definitely let you in my kitchen! I'll buy the groceries....you make it taste good. What a team, eh?

 

 

Jo

[Rosie_0801]

I'm agreeing with Aubrey. What you did wrong was to offend the FOOD GENE! This is a very serious business to women who have one. The "we never get along" is either her frustration at not having smooth, 'without having to even think about it' relationship or frustration at life in general and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. The best thing to do, I think, is to call up just to check it's alright if you bring the boys down early, even though you know it is, tell her you thought the turkey breast idea was a good one and does she mind if you bring down some cake because you've got this new recipe you're just dying to try. Your dad complains because your mother complains to him about it after you've all gone home. Pay no attention, it's just part of the whole Thanksgiving routine and your mother has no intention of changing it because she doesn't want to. "Pass the cake" works so much better on dads than "pass the bean dip," hence my reason for suggesting you take cake.

:)

Rosie

[Kay in Cal]

(((Colleen)))

 

You've got several great ideas here... I think it boils down to you having to be the grown up and going from there. If Thanksgiving is really important to you, you'll go and it will work out, if not, you can have a special day at your home.

 

Mostly I wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you. It sounds like times continue to be tough, and after the not-so-great trip, you deserve some better times. Know that you do have some good friends here, we even exist IRL. Blessings.

[Danestress]

I was thinking that Mom actually finds cooking Thanksgiving dinner really hard and overwhelming - but that she finds it even harder to let someone else take over part of that because then she wouldn't be in control and she wouldn't get to complain.

 

Colleen, I wonder if, even though there is a really long history here, it's worse because of your father's health problems? Maybe you Mom is truly overwhelmed. People make bad decisions under stress, and she really ought to let you take over part of the meal. And she also really ought to reach out to you in love because she's going to really need you in the next few years. But maybe it's hard for her to accept that life is changing and to let someone else take over.

 

I think you need to tune your father out. The hard thing about Parkinsons and Alzheimer's both (and we've had long, hard struggles with both here) is that the person retains a lot of their personality and mannerisms but loses some social barriers. So my father and DH's father both say(said) some pretty mean things that sounded just like what they would have said 20 year ago, but maybe they wouldn't have said those things now if they weren't compromised by their illnesses. I don't know. I think maybe it's best just to make a joke in those situations. If you Dad wants to complain, make a joke about Mom's martyrdom and just move on. Try not to let it under your skin. Try to emotionally distance yourself from the negativity and just look for opportunities to insert a little love, levity, and grace. It's hardest in the early stages because you never can straighten out in your own mind whether you are dealing with the personality and character faults that you always resented or are dealing with something you can partly blame on the illness. Err on the side of illness.

 

I don't know what you ought to do about actually going that day. I tend to think you should just call and say, "Okay, if you want to do the meat, I am bringing stuffing, corn, and two pies." Or whatever. But I could certainly understand deciding not to go and to have Thanksgiving at home. You could always go the next weekend and just spend some time with your parents. Would your boys and Hans like to be home? If so, I would consider that. If they would want to go to your parents, I would do that. But I would start finding ways to go see your parents for a weekend here and there - sometimes alone or with one or two kids.

 

Sending hugs to you, Colleen.

[Marie in Oh]

my mom sounds like yours. THe way I handle her when we have a blow up-- which happens at least once when she is here, and sometimes when we have a phone conversation is to let things cool down and then call and act like it never happened. She isn't the best communicator in the world and it is just easier to sort of push things under the rug and act like things are normal. Normal isn't that great anyway. I am not closey-close with her or my brother. She seems to resent that we live far away and that we don't travel to see her- 9 of us vs. 1 of her. Hmmmm. It just doesn't make sense. My father died 7 years ago and it just makes more sense for her to visit here. We've even offered to pay for her ticket. Anyway, that is how I would handle it. Not the most "healthy" way to take care of issues, but it seems to work for women in our mother's generation.

 

And as an aside, I am with Battlemaiden. I think Hawaii sounds great in November and I might just come crash that party. ;)

[TraceyS/FL]

:grouphug:

 

No wisdom to spew, just sympathy because i have BTDT. DH will never understand how his parents crashing Thanksgiving last year ruined it and my birthday. They don't care nor do Thanksgiving like my family. WIht a nov 27th birthday - it's always been a big deal to me. UGH. My parents won't hang out with his - for valid reasons - and it just stunk.

 

Anyway, hopefully you can work it out somehow.

[Jill- OK]

It's not played out exactly the same, and it might be on a different level, but I totally get that crazy "I have to do this, even though you've made it clear that I don't have to" thing, and having to worry about the father figure muttering about the mother figure overworking herself...even though it was made clear she didn't have to. (I've seen this scenario play out through two generations in my family, and so help me, it stops with me!!)

 

My husband does not understand this dynamic (and it would never occur to him to mutter about me overworking myself, lol), and I've learned the hard way that there is no remediating it.

 

I have absolutely no advice. Just hugs and sorryness.

 

I truly wish there was a way for you guys to work out something and celebrate one of my favorite holidays together. As quirky as my family is, we do get together and celebrate well on holidays. (At my house, on mostly my terms, lol.)

 

Actually, I would advocate for pushing the restaurant agenda again. Even though your mom says she didn't care for it, it takes away the "Mom is working her fingers to the bone!!!" aspect, which is personally the thing I would hate to deal with the most. (There's no expressing in mere words how much this bothers me.) Even if it's in a restaurant, even if it isn't cozy, you'd still be together. You could share a pot of coffee at your parents' later. (And some PREMADE desserts, lol.)

 

I'm sorry. :-(

[rafiki]

.

[sassenach]

I grew up in a sorta functional immediate family, dysfunctional extended family situation. I married into a HIGHLY dysfunctional family, complete with every imaginable holiday drama. This would be my btdt approach. It may not be the "healthiest" in a talk things through, resolve all problems way, but for me, it is the healthiest choice.

 

Pretend like it never happened. Call mom, ask what time the festivities start. Bring up nothing. Let her do all of the work, let dad gripe, let kids play. Leave it at that. That is what I would do. With our family, trying to resolve anything would open a can of worms so big and nasty, that I would avoid it at all costs.

 

We choose to limit our time with our (screwed up members) family, without cutting out that part of our kids lives.

 

As for the hurt of what your mom said, for that I have no advice, just (((((hugs)))) If she's anything like my MIL, she takes whatever feeling she has at that moment and applies it globally to her entire life.

 

Sorry Colleen, I feel your pain.

[WTMindy]

:grouphug: I'm sorry Colleen that this has to be an issue for you every year. I can only imagine how painful it must be. It sounds like it is important to you to spend time with your family, and so I would call her and make plans assuming you are going to be together on Thanksgiving. I would apologize again on the phone and ask her what she would like you to bring and ask her if there is anything else you can do so she doesn't have to do all the work.

 

My mom is actually happiest when she does most of the cooking, so I let her. :001_smile: I just make sure that I do a lot of the clean-up afterwards.

 

I admire you for plugging away at this relationship even though it isn't easy. I'm praying that if you call your mom will hear your desire for a closeness.

[Tammyla]

Me too. I'd clean up and take proper care of the carcass for her. There is really no way to fully understand what someone else is thinking. Heck, I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words all the time. It's even harder with family. My family, man I miss em, but they are completely normal and crazy at the same time. I have a crying sister who makes all holidays memorable. :grouphug:

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry Colleen that this has to be an issue for you every year. I can only imagine how painful it must be. It sounds like it is important to you to spend time with your family, and so I would call her and make plans assuming you are going to be together on Thanksgiving. I would apologize again on the phone and ask her what she would like you to bring and ask her if there is anything else you can do so she doesn't have to do all the work.

 

My mom is actually happiest when she does most of the cooking, so I let her. :001_smile: I just make sure that I do a lot of the clean-up afterwards.

 

I admire you for plugging away at this relationship even though it isn't easy. I'm praying that if you call your mom will hear your desire for a closeness.

[Erica in PA]

I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind, because this kind of family dysfunction is soooo familiar to me, but it would take a very long time type out all of my thoughts, so I will cut to the chase and tell you that I understand, and this is what I would do: I would call my mother and have a brief, pleasant conversation which would include: an apology for the tense conversation that we had; smoothing things over to make sure things are okay on her end, i.e., "I love you, and I really value our relationship-- is everything okay between us now?"; an expression of looking forward to the holiday and our time together; an open-ended question as to whether there is anything she would like me to bring; and cheerful acceptance of her answer on that either way. I would end with a few friendly words if she seems to want to talk, then end the conversation. Then just go and have a friendly visit on Thanksgiving.

 

I have had to reach the point where I expect almost nothing in return from some of my family members, other than basic civility. I just try to be as kind, loving, and nondemanding as I can be, and hopefully show them God's love through my actions. From what you've said here and in the past, your mother doesn't sound like a very happy person. You're not likely to make her truly happy, only the Lord can do that, but spending Thanksgiving with you and your boys could very well brighten her day, and that's worth something. It will mean something to your boys too. Look at spending time with her as a way that you can serve her, and in doing so serve the Lord.

 

And here are lots of big, squeezing hugs, too...(((((Colleen))))) I am so sorry that you don't have a human rock to cling to right now. But you do have your Father in heaven, so be sure to cling to Him, and please accept all of our hugs and love and best wishes as well. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Erica

[Lizzie in Ma]

I read the other posts first and I have just got to say wow. You have some really wonderful friends here and they gave you some heartfelt advice. I have nothing to add as far as that goes but I did want to tell you I am sorry another holiday is going to heck in a hand-basket. That rots.

I will be praying for you and your relationships. I love that you sincerely want the boys to have time with their family regardless of how things are going for you personally. That takes great love and courage.

:grouphug:

[Colleen]

Sorry I haven't come back to this for a few days. I always intend to reply to every post, to thank each of you personally....But I usually have to rely on a "global" note of thanks. Please know that I've read all the replies ~ several times ~ and that I dearly appreciate not only the advice, but the genuine friendship and support you've offered.

 

Couple of things in response to some points raised/suggestions made: Not only does my mom basically insist on doing all the kitchen work ahead of time, but my dad doesn't allow anyone else to help clean up. Since he retired 10+ years ago, cleaning up the kitchen has been his self-appointed job and he is actually rather less-than-pleasant if others try to lend a hand. Even now, with his failing health, he spends hours in there after the meal. I think in large part it's his way of not having to sit and communicate.

 

Also, I've learned that my second brother ~ the one with whom I do have a decent relationship ~ won't even be at my parents' on Thanksgiving. Bummer. That'll leave my folks, my oldest brother (the one with whom I have zero ~ and I do mean zero ~ relationship) & his wife & son, and the boys and me. (I anticipate Hans will stay home. I'm sure it's neither here nor there to him what happens on Thanksgiving, but he doesn't particularly enjoy going to my parents' house, nor does he particularly want to spend time around me.)

 

One might well wonder why on earth I actually want to go down there, but there are reasons. It seems to me my dad's health is deteriorating rapidly, and I always feel like there's a ticking clock of sorts, if you kwim; like this could be the last chance to spend a holiday with him and my mom, at their home. Maybe I'm wrong and 15 years from now I'll wish I'd not spent Thanksgiving thsi way.:tongue_smilie: But the alternatives aren't particularly cheering, either. I frankly don't want to stay home and cook for just my own guys, which is how I spend so much of my life. I'd be all right with having company, but our friends and acquaintances are so close with their own families, they always have plans. And while I've done the soup kitchen Thanksgiving meal in the past, I find the holidays are the worst time to help with that. There are always way too many volunteers, and I try to make time to do that through the course of the year rather than waiting until everyone else is on board with it.

 

So what this means for me is that I need to not think about this any more. Shannon (Shannon831) hit the nail on the head. We are a "brush it under the rug, don't talk about it" family. The more I think about it, the more I realize mentioning anything more to my mother will in all likelihood only make matters worse. Best to just say nothing and let her know what time we'll be there.

 

Blah. I can't tell you how much I want things to be different than this for my own boys, but Lord knows they'll have their own family dysfunction to face. Yee haw!

 

Thanks for listening, and for caring. Y'all are great.

[WTMCassandra]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:Colleen. I'm sorry you're facing such a bleak-sounding holiday. Could you go for just part of the day and take the rest of the day to do something nurturing for yourself?