Out of town guests

[DawnM]

Can you relax when you have guests?

 

I have an out of town guest for the weekend.  DH picked her up at the airport yesterday and I will take her back on Sunday afternoon.

 

I admit this is so tiring for me and I just have come off a stressful work week.

 

I can't sleep well.  I get up early worrying about whether she may be up, need some coffee, etc....so I have been up since 6am.  It is now 9:15 and she still isn't down.  That is FINE, really, I am not upset, this is about ME and my level of relaxation, not her.

But I only got about 6 hours of sleep last night, I am tired, we have a wedding and evening party to attend, and then she wants to go to church tomorrow am and airport tomorrow pm and then I have about 3-4 hours of work to do tomorrow after she leaves that is due Mon.

 

And I can't sleep well when things are due.....so coming home after the airport and napping won't work, I will just lie there thinking of all the stuff I need to get done.

 

I wish I were better at relaxing.  I am not.  I hate baths, deep breathing does nothing for me, etc....

[marbel]

Overnight guests are difficult for me too.  I get you.   :grouphug:

[Storygirl]

I don't do well with it, either. It's stressful for me, instead of enjoyable, even when it's a close family member.

[gardenmom5]

depends upon the guest. some people are more mentally/emotionally taxing.  some are rejuvenating.

[DawnM]

depends upon the guest. some people are more mentally/emotionally taxing.  some are rejuvenating.

 

She honestly isn't taxing emotionally or mentally, but she isn't such a close friend that I am 100% comfortable either.  

 

And when my best friend comes (she lives on the other side of the country) we stay up all hours visiting, but it is a good tired.  

 

This isn't exactly a bad tired.....but it is more effort than I wanted to give out this weekend

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Depends on the guest. 

 

1.  Some I have known a long time.  We have been friends since childhood, have done spend the nights since childhood, our families have hung out together and stayed in each other's houses several times, sometimes for extended periods due to extenuating circumstances.  They are comfortable in my home and I know they know their way around my kitchen.  They will happily fend for themselves if I am unavailable.  It really isn't much of an issue, especially for a short term stay. 

 

2.  With others, it is exhausting.  They don't mean to be exhausting.  They just are.  Their simple existence in my home is exhausting to me.  When they leave it is this enormous weight off my chest even though they really weren't bad house guests at all.   

 

3.  And then there are a couple of people that really are bad house guests.  Bad.

 

Honestly it is the middle type of house guest that I find the most draining, mainly because I feel bad about feeling bad about how draining they are.  The really truly awful house guest is stressful in the moment but they usually provide interesting stories to keep retelling over and over between DH, the kids and I.  Plus, they are so awful it seems almost comical in retrospect and I honestly don't feel as guilty about getting so drained when Awful Houseguest is in my home.  Those middle type of house guests, though, are really so tiring...

Edited December 2, 2017 by OneStepAtATime

[gardenmom5]

She honestly isn't taxing emotionally or mentally, but she isn't such a close friend that I am 100% comfortable either.  

 

And when my best friend comes (she lives on the other side of the country) we stay up all hours visiting, but it is a good tired.  

 

This isn't exactly a bad tired.....but it is more effort than I wanted to give out this weekend

 

so for you, it also "depends upon the guest"

i'm sorry.  hang in there.  sometimes we just do what we have to do.

[MEmama]

It's exhausting for me too. I hate having people stay with us.

 

Our house guests expect me to clear my calendar and drop everything while they are, so I can be at their beck and call. They demand I give them all my time and energy and that I have thought of every possible detail ahead of time, no matter how minute. They complain incessantly and refuse to do anything, so we end up sitting in the living room while staring at screens. Meanwhile I seeth quietly because I'm not allowed to be doing all the things that need to be doing. I have to wake extra early and stay up extra late to clean, etc because it cannot be done while they sit and stare at me. It's weird and awful and I totally dread it.

 

Hugs to you. I get how draining it can be.

[SKL]

I'm pretty used to it I guess.  It generally does not bother me.  About the morning coffee thing, I show the person where everything is the night before so they can help themselves if they get up before me.  If I have a certain time I plan to get up, or when my kids are going to start making noise, I will tell them that the night before.  Then I go about my business.  Most houseguests are happy with this arrangement.  It's easier on them if they can do their thing whenever they want to.

 

If you feel you have to meet them in the kitchen when they come down, can you hang out with your laptop or a good book?  If you were me, you would have at least a thousand hours worth of busy work you could do while waiting for someone to show up.  :)

[DawnM]

I'm pretty used to it I guess.  It generally does not bother me.  About the morning coffee thing, I show the person where everything is the night before so they can help themselves if they get up before me.  If I have a certain time I plan to get up, or when my kids are going to start making noise, I will tell them that the night before.  Then I go about my business.  Most houseguests are happy with this arrangement.  It's easier on them if they can do their thing whenever they want to.

 

If you feel you have to meet them in the kitchen when they come down, can you hang out with your laptop or a good book?  If you were me, you would have at least a thousand hours worth of busy work you could do while waiting for someone to show up.  :)

 

Nope, I do the same thing, but this is MY issue.....not theirs.  I can't relax when guests are here, even if I say, "Help yourself, this is where things are."  Really, saying those words doesn't help ME.

[regentrude]

Overnight guests don't really stress me. I always show them where things are in the kitchen, tell them to help themselves to food and drink, and to feel at home.

We often have overnight guests. Sometimes people I have never met (recently a new international grad student who will be working with DH). Sometimes people who are here a lot (this spring, a friend of DS' was spending 4-5 nights per week)

The only actual inconvenience is that I don't feel comfortable breakfasting in my pj's.

I tell guests when we usually have breakfast and when they can expect people to make food and coffee in the morning.

 

OP, I think the guest is way more nervous than you are, and worried about inconveniencing you.

 

Edited December 2, 2017 by regentrude

[marbel]

I'm even more uncomfortable being a houseguest unless it is with someone I know well.

 

On a few occasions we've had strangers stay with us. In those cases, the people were almost always visiting the area for a reason, so it was easy to say "what time do you want to be up and about tomorrow?" and then we'd arrange breakfast times and such from there.  

 

As a guest, the host saying things like "here's the stuff for coffee/tea, feel free to help yourself" or "make yourself at home" don't really help me feel more comfortable. Better for me are expectations, such as "does breakfast at 9 work for you? If you would like coffee earlier, here's how to make a single cup/small pot/whatever."   

 

Of course if it's someone I know really well, it's much more relaxed.  Some old friends of ours were so easy to have as houseguests and as hosts, but we knew our way around each other's kitchens and knew everyone's likes and dislikes.  My in-laws are harder to stay with than those people were.  

[Tess in the Burbs]

I feel the same. I get up early in case they get up early and I need to cook. Even if I showed them Where to get everything for cereal, toast, bagels, etc. I sit and smile and run through my need to do list in my head. It definitely stresses me out. However, I do enjoy having company and wish we had more to visit. I do enjoy hosting. But yes, I get anxious about everything.

[SKL]

Nope, I do the same thing, but this is MY issue.....not theirs.  I can't relax when guests are here, even if I say, "Help yourself, this is where things are."  Really, saying those words doesn't help ME.

 

Have you tried forcing yourself to lie in bed so you can sort of train your mind to be OK with it?

 

My dad is like you though.  It's why my kids don't do sleepovers there any more - I don't want my dad to be so put out, for no good reason.

[Beth S]

I would do things like mention you have about 3 hours of work to do.

I would feel comfortable working on my laptop while she's getting ready for the wedding, etc.

Before you all go to bed tonight, I would discuss the timing for your morning departure & when you need to leave to get her to the airport.

 

I'm a kind-but-blunt person, so talking about the logistics is just a requirement with me. :)

I'm hoping the 2nd half of your weekend together goes well!

 

[DawnM]

I learned that phrase 'make yourself at home'....

 

with a wedding and reception on today's agenda, I would just go on about my business doing things such as making sure my camera batteries are charged and let the guest sleep in and then make ready...

 

For me that would have meant sending her into a different room for 3-4 hours while I work on what I need to work on as I can't do it and talk to anyone.

 

But I don't feel comfortable doing that.

 

We had to lave at 1:00 for a wedding and by the time the reception was almost over, it was just enough time to get to the Christmas party.  We got home at 11pm.  

 

I thought she was leaving at 1 pm today, and I could get her to the airport by 11:30.  Nope.  Flight at 5:30.  I may have to have DH take her to the airport so I can get this work done.

 

I am beat.

[DawnM]

Seriously guys.  I discussed all of it.  I said make yourself at home.  I showed her the food, I told her to feel free to sleep in, I do ALL of that......but *I* am uptight about it and can't relax.  

 

 

[creekland]

Guests do not stress me out at all.  We enjoy them, esp if they interact with us via games or discussion.

 

I wish I knew ways to share the mindset, but I've no idea how I get it.  It's just there.

[DawnM]

Guests do not stress me out at all.  We enjoy them, esp if they interact with us via games or discussion.

 

I wish I knew ways to share the mindset, but I've no idea how I get it.  It's just there.

 

I think it would be a lot better if I weren't in a rather stressful job at the moment.  If I knew I could relax when she leaves for a day or two, heck, I prob would be far less stressed with her here if I didn't have to turn around and work 12 hour days for the next 2 weeks.

 

I don't think I will come up for air until Dec. 20th.

 

I guess I can't share my mindset either.

Edited December 3, 2017 by DawnM

[marbel]

I think it would be a lot better if I weren't in a rather stressful job at the moment.  If I knew I could relax when she leaves for a day or two, heck, I prob would be far less stressed with her here if I didn't have to turn around and work 12 hour days for the next 2 weeks.

 

I don't think I will come up for air until Dec. 20th.

 

I guess I can't share my mindset either.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I hope your week goes well, better than you anticipate.

[Catwoman]

I understand exactly how you feel! :grouphug:

 

It's just one more little stress you don't need right now. You're already tired. You're already working long hours at a stressful job. When you are home for the weekend, the last thing you want to do is feel like you have to entertain an overnight guest to whom you're not particularly close, and worry about their needs. You know you have a long week ahead of you and all you probably want to do is try to relax and recharge a little, but instead, you had a busy weekend and still have work to do before tomorrow morning. Yuck.

 

No wonder you're feeling so edgy!!! :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I wish I had some suggestions on how you could be calmer and more relaxed, but I am very similar to the way you described yourself, so I'm no help at all, except to say I know how you feel and I wish I knew how to fix it.

[creekland]

I think it would be a lot better if I weren't in a rather stressful job at the moment.  If I knew I could relax when she leaves for a day or two, heck, I prob would be far less stressed with her here if I didn't have to turn around and work 12 hour days for the next 2 weeks.

 

I don't think I will come up for air until Dec. 20th.

 

I guess I can't share my mindset either.

 

:grouphug:  I hope it all goes as well as it can and Dec 20th gets here soon for you!

[Jyhwkmama]

It's exhausting for me too. I hate having people stay with us.

 

Our house guests expect me to clear my calendar and drop everything while they are, so I can be at their beck and call. They demand I give them all my time and energy and that I have thought of every possible detail ahead of time, no matter how minute. They complain incessantly and refuse to do anything, so we end up sitting in the living room while staring at screens. Meanwhile I seeth quietly because I'm not allowed to be doing all the things that need to be doing. I have to wake extra early and stay up extra late to clean, etc because it cannot be done while they sit and stare at me. It's weird and awful and I totally dread it.

 

Hugs to you. I get how draining it can be.

 

Stop inviting these people to your house!

[Garga]

I never manage to get enough sleep when we have overnight guests.  I go into it with the best of intentions of Getting Enough Sleep, but somehow it always gets derailed:  getting up early to make sure everyone has time in the showers, going to bed late because some task came up and needed to get done before the next day.  Getting enough sleep is important to me and I'm not at my best when I'm tired.  â€‹â€‹

 

I also enjoy long stretches of time where we're all quiet and doing our own thing side-by-side.  Or we all watch a tv show together and chill.  I need that quiet time to recharge.  You can't do that as often with guests, so I don't manage to fully recharge when they're visiting.  

 

Even though I enjoy the people who've stayed overnight and never had a bad guest, I always feel like I'm working without all my cylinders firing and I am drained by the time they go.  I miss them, but I also can finally relax for the first time in days or weeks.

 

[Anne]

It's exhausting for me too. I hate having people stay with us.

 

Our house guests expect me to clear my calendar and drop everything while they are, so I can be at their beck and call. They demand I give them all my time and energy and that I have thought of every possible detail ahead of time, no matter how minute. They complain incessantly and refuse to do anything, so we end up sitting in the living room while staring at screens. Meanwhile I seeth quietly because I'm not allowed to be doing all the things that need to be doing. I have to wake extra early and stay up extra late to clean, etc because it cannot be done while they sit and stare at me. It's weird and awful and I totally dread it.

 

Hugs to you. I get how draining it can be.

I’m appalled - such people would NEVER, EVER be invited back to my house again. If they were parents or in-laws, I would rent hotel rooms. No way would I allow that kind of drama/control/nastiness in my house.

 

Anne

[rocassie]

It depends on our relationship and whether they have stayed with me prior.  New overnight house guests, yes! 

 

At least once or twice a year, we have family and close family friends as overnight guests.  I've learned habits over the years.  DH or I always set the automatic coffee maker for 7am, set out cups, sugar, dry creamer, and a note to help themselves to half&half from the fridge the night before.  Next to that I place a bowl of bananas, oranges and apples, and a plate of covered muffins.

 

A new guest, I still do the above, but I also get up about 6:45am.  The night before I let guest know that coffee and such will be ready at 7am and to please help themselves.  They are more than welcome to turn on the TV, take a morning shower, etc.  I make sure to show them before sleep.  On the fly guests have been very appreciative and respectful, and I try to make them feel comfortable in an otherwise awkward situation.

 

Thankfully I have never had obnoxious, rude, or demanding guests.  At worst it is awkward and tiring, but usually I am glad to have the visit or be of help to someone.

Edited December 3, 2017 by cbreeding

[DawnM]

She is gone.  I actually came home and fell asleep for about 20 min.  That may not seem like much, but it helped, and more than that and I might have trouble sleeping tonight.

 

I will not get my work done today for work, but I am just going to have to make it work tomorrow during my actual paid working hours, which makes a whole lot more sense, but they keep piling the work on.

 

We had a very enjoyable weekend, albeit tiring.