Impulsiveness - your own - how do you fight it?

[creekland]

I suspect there are many others out there who share this trait with me.  You're impulsive (spontaneous could be used instead).  Most of the time this is actually a good thing IMO.  We're flexible and can "go with the flow" changing last minute plans as needed, etc.

 

But there are those few times where it isn't good - where one does (or could do) what they regret later.  Sometimes these are actually benign things - I ate that donut or similar - and sometimes they aren't.

 

Up to this point in my life I've learned to reason myself out of them - logic - and perhaps distraction (actively doing something else).

 

What other suggestions does that Hive have that have worked?

 

I know there's the "Phone a Friend" option, but I know that one won't work for me.  I'm way too independent for that to work when I'm in one of "those" moods.

[heartlikealion]

For snacking, I have to remove it from my house more or less.

For spending, a sense of urgency to save that money (bills or such) or want to spend it on something better (save up for a big ticket item)

 

Dh is the more impulsive one in the relationship. And the reason we got 6 dozen donuts and 30 bags of M&M cookies for ds' birthday party which I consumed a million of. Sigh. lol

[Barb_]

Even if a decision, email, purchase, etc seems like the right thing right now, I sit on it for a few hours or days before I pull the trigger. I don't tell myself no, I tell myself "wait." Cooling off periods are my friend.

[Barb_]

But I have to say, I LIKE my ability to adjust quickly and rebound from setbacks. Like you, I don't consider it a personality defect in the least. It's one of my favorite things about myself and pays off more often than it gets me in trouble. I think it's becasue my right brain often jumps in and makes the right choice for the big picture before my left side has a chance to fill in the details. A cooling off period is the best of both.

[Garga]

But I have to say, I LIKE my ability to adjust quickly and rebound from setbacks. Like you, I don't consider it a personality defect in the least. It's one of my favorite things about myself and pays off more often than it gets me in trouble. I think it's becasue my right brain often jumps in and makes the right choice for the big picture before my left side has a chance to fill in the details. A cooling off period is the best of both.

I'm not implusive and I naturally will sit and wait on things. The few times I've done something too soon, I've regretted it.

 

I make decisions slowly. Slowly might mean that I stop and ponder buying a implusive purchase for 10 minutes as I browse around the store before I commit to buying it, all the way up to waiting a few days or weeks (or months!) before doing something major.

 

So I agree with the stopping and waiting before doing something. Don't know if you can force yourself to do that or not, since it comes pretty naturally to me.

 

(I had written an email to someone a few weeks ago and was juuuuuust about to send it, and I stopped and thought, "I'd better wait on this..." And I am SO GLAD I did. What seemed good at the time was overly-emotional and would have opened a big can of worms I didn't want opened. It seemed good in the moment and I was close to impulsively sending it, but I held back a couple of hours and saved myself a lot of grief.)

Edited May 28, 2017 by Garga

[creekland]

But I have to say, I LIKE my ability to adjust quickly and rebound from setbacks. Like you, I don't consider it a personality defect in the least. It's one of my favorite things about myself and pays off more often than it gets me in trouble. 

 

Ditto.  But in this case I'm concerned - enough to post - and enough to be cautious and try to give myself some more foundational thoughts to draw upon if I can, but not enough to be super worried if that makes sense.

 

Health issues can be a big deal for me pending the day (hour?).  They are progressive and I already know there will come a time when I'm done dealing with them (very akin to putting a critter down when the time is right).  I'm perfectly ok with that thought (knowing others disagree, but so be it - my life and all).  That day isn't now and is probably 1-5 years off if progression levels don't change for the better (or worse).  Now on the bad days I get I spend a good bit of the time reminding myself better days come (they do) and I don't want to "do that" to my family.  (I can freely say if anything ever happened to hubby and my boys, that "reason" would go away and... but I seriously don't expect that to happen.)

 

BUT, humans are also emotional and I'm not immune.  Yesterday... left me concerned.  Today is fine.  (or I wouldn't be typing this - I don't share during critical times - hence - phoning a friend would never work.  ;)  )  Most days are fine.  I already reject meds that could possibly help some of the health issues because they have warnings on them mentioning they could mess with the mind.  I don't need gremlins messing with my mind on top of my personal beliefs about quality of life.  I don't want hormonal (or whatever) "stuff" messing with my mind either.  I don't want to do anything for the "wrong" reason IYCWIM. I need a few more rational thoughts or ideas to pull from if that sort of situation comes up again.  What I already have worked for yesterday, but under different circumstances, I'm not sure it would have TBH.

 

I doubt I'm alone considering the vast population and experience of the Hive, so if anyone else wants to share what helps them (or those they know) - feel free.  This is one situation where my natural impulsiveness could actually not be helpful.  If I decide I want that donut, I get it - with no regrets.  But that's a donut...

[Guest]

The only impulse control I struggle with is food. Planning and logging seems to circumvent the worst of it, along with saying no to myself and remaining firm.

 

It's also a LOT easier for me to have control and not overeat or eat the wrong things when I low carb enough. It cuts out the cravings and ravenous hunts pangs.

[Barb_]

I know you're trying to avoid giving too much detail about your health issues but are you saying you felt so ill yesterday you almost stepped up the game and called in looking for meds? But you didn't? But think you'll be in a more weakened state another time? I want to be clear.

[creekland]

I know you're trying to avoid giving too much detail about your health issues but are you saying you felt so ill yesterday you almost stepped up the game and called in looking for meds? But you didn't? But think you'll be in a more weakened state another time? I want to be clear.

 

No.  Actually yesterday was a relatively good day health issue wise.  I've learned to cope with the bad health issue days.  It's just set the stage in my mind as I've processed it all and come to a conclusion I'm ok with.

 

What happened yesterday was an emotional issue - the type we all get at one point or another - probably made worse by that time of the month.  I don't particularly like my thoughts wandering "there" with that - esp since I know hormones likely played a part in it making me oversensitive to things I normally can brush off without a second thought.  It sounds totally dumb today.  It seemed totally worth considering/doing yesterday.  That's the scary part.  Well, technically the scary part is knowing if things had played out differently yesterday I'm not positive how it would have turned out.

[gardenmom5]

I worked hard to figure out where the impulsiveness as coming from- and what "need" it was supposedly going to meet.  then I worked on filing that need more with more deliberateness.  that actually led to more satisfaction.

[heartlikealion]

I'm totally lost so take my response with a grain of salt. If you're talking about bad thoughts that may deserve a medication separate from any existing health issues you have. I had some really negative thoughts that have subsided since I started taking a medication for depression. But if this is not relevant then disregard.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Some impulses have higher risk than others. An impulse to have a donut breaks the diet but doesn't, in most cases, do irreparable damage to anyone. An impulse to commit suicide harms yourself and I would argue would do extreme damage to your family. An impulse to jump on a plane and fly to Cancun has little ramifications for a wealthy retired person but could have huge ramifications for a low income person who loses their job when they don't show up and is put into debt because of the trip.

 

Spontaneity is great when there are no bad ramifications and can lead instead to unexpected benefits. But in my opinion, taking unnecessary or ill advised risks is not just up to us because it is selfish.

 

I have no idea what impulses you have but this is my opinion and philosophy.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[prairiewindmomma]

Have you talked with your husband about your suicidal impulsive feelings? I had a family member who killed themselves due to a quality of life medical issue and the impact has been devastating on those left behind even though we all know that person was suffering.

 

I know you have issues with doctors and have a lot going on medically, but I am deeply concerned for you.

[creekland]

I'm totally lost so take my response with a grain of salt. If you're talking about bad thoughts that may deserve a medication separate from any existing health issues you have. I had some really negative thoughts that have subsided since I started taking a medication for depression. But if this is not relevant then disregard.

 

I don't actually think it's depression here.  There was a time about a year ago when I think that was an issue and the feeling was completely different.  That one didn't come and go.  It came, stayed, got worse, then a "shake up" (mentally) happened and it went away - a very weird thing TBH - but it hasn't returned since.  Most of the time I like life and I have plenty to look forward to in the future.  Bad health days get me frustrated, but for now, they'll still go away given time.

 

The emotional thing is relatively new (perhaps progression, perhaps not - who knows), so needs some dissecting and figuring out - something I'm working on now, when I feel quite sane.

 

Have you talked with your husband about your suicidal impulsive feelings? I had a family member who killed themselves due to a quality of life medical issue and the impact has been devastating on those left behind even though we all know that person was suffering.

 

I know you have issues with doctors and have a lot going on medically, but I am deeply concerned for you.

 

Quality of life-wise, yes, we've talked and we both agree adult individuals get to decide that for themselves.  Emotionally no.  It's new.  I need to figure things out myself (ok, maybe with the anonymous Hive).  It's the way I'm wired.

 

Doctor-wise - at least middle son got accepted into med school.  He has no problem believing what's going on and as he learns things, will have no problem sharing ideas.

 

The latest thing I learned is adding Iron did NOT help.  It hurt - significantly.  Stopping that seems to have greatly reduced one of the variable health issues that was quite frustrating and gave me my energy level back.  There actually is hope (I think) that sooner or later I'll crack the mystery of at least some of the health things.  "I" haven't given up hope on that.

 

With suicidal feelings, the first step is to delay. Delaying helps with impulsivity. 

 

Actually, here's the mantra: Wait, Communicate. Set a timer if it helps you wait. Set it for 15 minutes. Then choose one safe person to communicate your impulsive thoughts to. If that person is not available, choose a second safe person. If that person is not available, call a helpline. If the timer goes off and you haven't communicated, set it again and communicate. Repeat until you have communicated and/or the impulsive moment has passed (but still communicate the urge.)

 

Any decision a person makes about ending their life as a result of a physical illness is definitely theirs to make, imo. However, it should be made from a reasoned, communicated and planned perspective. 

 

Impulsivity is not your friend here.

 

~

 

IGNORE all above if I am way off track with the type of impulsivity. I figure it might be helpful to someone else, even if it doesn't apply to you, Creekland.

 

I like the timer idea - set time to wait.  I bet I can do that one and it ought to help just like today is vastly different than yesterday was. Perhaps "sleep on it" will be a good bottom line and better than 15 minutes.

 

There's no way I will communicate with a person.  I just don't do that when things are actually going wrong.  I'm more of a "retreat to my cave and wait it out" personality on ALL things that go wrong.  It's not a time I'm outgoing - even among inner circle folks.

 

And I agree with the underlined bit I quoted 100%.  I don't want to make an emotional dumb decision any more than I want a drug induced thought making the decision.  If/when I want it to be as reasoned out as with my critter pals.

[creekland]

I don't want to go into detail on means on a public forum, and how to delay access, but people can use their imagination. What might someone use to carry out a malign impulsive act, and how they make it harder for themselves to access those tools ? It's not meant to be foolproof - it's just meant to add an element of delay.

 

I know way too much about biology for this to work (for me).  "Sleep on it" is going to be my plan.  I suspect that ought to reset any emotions.

[gardenmom5]

With suicidal feelings, the first step is to delay. Delaying helps with impulsivity. 

 

 

if this is what is going on - seek medical help.

brain chemistry being out of whack can cause this type of impulsivity. where death isn't the objective and depression isn't the cause - but true impulsive cravings caused by a chemical system out of whack.  they can just get worse and worse unless the cycle is broken.  and it can be broken.  

[creekland]

if this is what is going on - seek medical help.

brain chemistry being out of whack can cause this type of impulsivity. where death isn't the objective and depression isn't the cause - but true impulsive cravings caused by a chemical system out of whack.  they can just get worse and worse unless the cycle is broken.  and it can be broken.  

 

Will keep this in mind - not positive it's a cycle yet or just a one time happening deal.  If a repeating cycle, I agree with getting it fixed if possible.  I don't particularly care to rush to judgment and it's not like I have time to deal with many things easily right now anyway.  I'll make time if needed.  Time will tell on that.

[Seasider]

Well, with purchases, I don't buy anything without knowing the return policy, which is often enough to prevent impulsive spending. I suppose you could say I also think about the "return" policy on other actions:

 

Can I take it back?

Can I get a do-over?

What's the return on this investment (aka possible outcomes of my action)?

 

I think the fact that my pre-SAHM career involved a lot of strategic planning has helped me to be a less impulsive person. People who know me would probably say I am a quick decision-maker, but even so I have usually thought all the way through the foreseeable consequences. (Of course it's impossible to anticipate every possible outcome, but I've trained myself to try.)

 

My biggest impulse control challenge area is probably keeping my mouth shut when the emperor is nekkid. I have a couple of people in my extended family and friend circles who do foolish and/or selfish things and expect everyone else to support, congratulate and/or join in. I have a hard time not pointing out the flaws in their reasoning. Maybe I'm just a grumpy old lady, but I have a low tolerance for silliness. My best way to deal with it is to just walk away, to avoid being around the magic cloth merchants.

 

(I think I got off on a tangent here. I need to go back and read the rest of the thread to see just what type of impulse behaviors you might be talking about, creekland.)

[Seasider]

Oh, creekland! I've read all the way through and better understand now what you're asking.

 

I think a "programmed" response would be great. A plan - if I FEEL this, I will DO that. Upthread, you mentioned sleep, as it seems maybe to reset your emotions. Might I also suggest something physical, like walking outside or on a treadmill? Physical activity can produce a change in emotion. Also, y'all might think I'm crazy for often recommending potatoes, but eating some potatoes can help with seratonin production, so it's like a non-pharmaceutical treatment for depression. Seriously, memorize this response list a la SWB's take a nap, take a shower, eat a sandwich. For you it could be take a walk, take a nap, eat a potato - or whatever list of responses you decide might work best for you personally.

 

I just have to add that I am frustrated on your behalf, frustrated that medical science and a caring physician have not been able to give you a specific diagnosis and workable treatment plan. You are in my prayers. I have more thoughts but will stop here.

[IfIOnly]

Creekland, I know how you feel and are struggling. I'm so sorry you don't have answers and continue to decline. It's difficult on so many levels, and not being the parent, spouse, or friend I'd like to be, but can't, is the most defeating and agonizing thing I've ever experienced, especially the mom thing. I just want to give you a hug and let you know I get it.

Edited May 29, 2017 by ifIonlyhadabrain

[creekland]

Well, with purchases, I don't buy anything without knowing the return policy, which is often enough to prevent impulsive spending. I suppose you could say I also think about the "return" policy on other actions:

 

Can I take it back?

Can I get a do-over?

What's the return on this investment (aka possible outcomes of my action)?

 

I think the fact that my pre-SAHM career involved a lot of strategic planning has helped me to be a less impulsive person. People who know me would probably say I am a quick decision-maker, but even so I have usually thought all the way through the foreseeable consequences. (Of course it's impossible to anticipate every possible outcome, but I've trained myself to try.)

 

My biggest impulse control challenge area is probably keeping my mouth shut when the emperor is nekkid. I have a couple of people in my extended family and friend circles who do foolish and/or selfish things and expect everyone else to support, congratulate and/or join in. I have a hard time not pointing out the flaws in their reasoning. Maybe I'm just a grumpy old lady, but I have a low tolerance for silliness. My best way to deal with it is to just walk away, to avoid being around the magic cloth merchants.

 

I can also usually use reasoning to make good decisions, but that only works with impulsive things (shopping, travel, food, etc, included) if I've thought it out ahead of time. "We won't go out to dinner tonight because we're saving for ____ and will splurge then." Otherwise it's pretty easy to justify eating out if we have the money in our pocket.  "Return policy" is an interesting thought too.

 

Oh, creekland! I've read all the way through and better understand now what you're asking.

 

I think a "programmed" response would be great. A plan - if I FEEL this, I will DO that. Upthread, you mentioned sleep, as it seems maybe to reset your emotions. Might I also suggest something physical, like walking outside or on a treadmill? Physical activity can produce a change in emotion. Also, y'all might think I'm crazy for often recommending potatoes, but eating some potatoes can help with seratonin production, so it's like a non-pharmaceutical treatment for depression. Seriously, memorize this response list a la SWB's take a nap, take a shower, eat a sandwich. For you it could be take a walk, take a nap, eat a potato - or whatever list of responses you decide might work best for you personally.

 

I just have to add that I am frustrated on your behalf, frustrated that medical science and a caring physician have not been able to give you a specific diagnosis and workable treatment plan. You are in my prayers. I have more thoughts but will stop here.

 

Alone "non-thinking" things (treadmill, walking alone, showering) are definitely not in my best interest.  Those are the times when my brain often defaults to whatever is at hand at the moment.  I definitely need to keep my brain occupied on other things.  This means TV, most games (esp alone), normal chores or housekeeping, and similar are also out.  My brain doesn't need to think on those and will wander.

 

Thinking about that more, sleep and sticking around other people will be on my list.  The latter was probably crucial on Saturday TBH.

 

Creekland, I know how you feel and are struggling. I'm so sorry you don't have answers and continue to decline. It's difficult on so many levels, and not being the parent, spouse, or friend I'd like to be, but can't, is the most defeating and agonizing thing I've ever experienced, especially the mom thing. I just want to give you a hug and let you know I get it.

 

Thanks.  I've been wondering what the "cause" is (did I mention my mind wanders?).  Everything has a cause to my science-minded mind, one just needs to find it.  I think this is it - coupled with higher or lower hormones (whichever way that works).  Some health issues (and probably aging) affect day to day life.  My guys opted to make fun of that on Saturday and rather than laugh with them (as is common for me), it just hit wrong.  Like I said - it sounds dumb now - but for a while that day it seriously had me wondering why I bothered.  The guys didn't really do anything wrong (as per our family).  My brain took it the wrong way and ran with it for whatever reason.

 

I've learned how to handle bad days.  Now I'm just learning how to deal with these emotional deals I guess.  Even if they had meant it in a negative way (they didn't - not even remotely), it's not how I want my brain to respond.

[Selkie]

:grouphug: , creekland.

 

Could you write a list today of all the reasons not to do it (things you have to live for, things you are looking forward to, how it would affect the lives of your loved ones, etc.)? Then keep the list with you always and read it when you find yourself feeling the impulse.

[creekland]

:grouphug: , creekland.

 

Could you write a list today of all the reasons not to do it (things you have to live for, things you are looking forward to, how it would affect the lives of your loved ones, etc.)? Then keep the list with you always and read it when you find yourself feeling the impulse.

 

Could I?  No.  I learned as a young lass not to write things down as anything written can and will be used against you.  That's an impossible lesson to overcome.

 

Sharing written info on the Hive is as close as I get.

 

I do, however, remember those things on typical bad days - esp affecting the lives of others.  That's just not a very good argument when your brain is telling you it's not worth it due to perceived slights from those others.  Making sure I allow time for the brain to adjust correctly is most likely to be effective (I think) - that and reminding myself what it's feeling at that time isn't real even if it seems to be.  I think going through it once and analyzing everything will make it easier to deal with if it pops up again (BTDT can handle it again as it's just a mirage).  I guess time will tell - or not - maybe it won't happen again.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If the reason is perceived slights from others, I would definitely seek some medical help if it happens again.  That isn't clear thinking.

 

This is a big trigger of a thread for me but I came back because I couldn't let it go.  I have thought very specifically about suicide many times because that is the only way at times I could see any alleviation of physical pain.  But I didn't do it because absolutely NOTHING will allow me to put my kids and husband in emotional pain.  But when it was so terribly bad a few  years ago I set a date far in the future to revisit the issue.  As it happened, I'm not in the same place physically at least for the moment and while I still have pain and am functionally disabled in some ways, I know that God is still using me to impact my family and my world.  And honestly, even if I couldn't see my own impact at the time, I would not presume to second guess God's timeline for me. 

 

I'm not going to come back to see any rebuttal of what I said.  I just can't engage on this thread any more but I did feel compelled to say this one last thing. 

[Carol in Cal.]

Creekland, please stay here with us.  Please.

[Guest]

Ah! I thought you were asking this generically, friend! Youre in a more serious boat than me and my donut, and I'm praying for you.

[J-rap]

I'm so sorry, Creekland.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:   I have a lot I could say, but I don't like to share too much, even anonymously.  But, you know our situation.  I get a lot of strength simply from "hope" -- see my signature!  Where there is hope, anything is possible.  This is what gets my husband and I through each day.   Hope is an amazing thing.  Lives are changed by it, and saved by it.  You can PM me anytime!!

 

 

[Ausmumof3]

:grouphug:

 

Among other things you would be sorely missed around here...

 

Communicate could be with us you know? We are people too.

[Barb_]

Yes this is true. Some of you people are always here at 3am. There have been some really dark times here this past year, but these boards have been a saving grace. There is always someone to talk to.

[creekland]

Ah! I thought you were asking this generically, friend! Youre in a more serious boat than me and my donut, and I'm praying for you.

 

I was asking it generically at first, so you didn't read it incorrectly.  The realization of it all sort of stunned me a bit I guess, so I shared more afterward.  Since then nothing similar has come up so I'm getting less concerned and I think a plan of sticking around people, then sleeping on it will work if it shows up again.

 

It just seems weird.  What Jean talked about with the health issues is pretty darn similar to my own thoughts - esp on bad days.  We differ in our final conclusion for when things get bad enough, but that's not now.  Putting our furry friends down is right (IMO) when their life gets bad enough, but not because they walked across our path or chewed up a charger cord or similar.  I want my brain to make the correct distinction.

 

It also seems extra strange that it occurred on a better day - during better times since I discovered that adding Fe made things worse - dropping it has reset things back to (mostly) my normal.  Think of it as carrying a 50lb load and thinking that was bad - then getting the load doubled to 100lbs over a short period of time and seriously wondering how long you'd be able to take it.  Fortunately, circumstances change and you get back to 55lbs.  Now the load seems quite light by comparison!  Why does one get upset at other little things at that point - then jump straight to such a conclusion thinking "why not?"

 

Our brains are weird.  But at least I think I'm better equipped now if something similar happens again - both due to a plan I'm pretty sure I can stick with (impulsive or not!) and having "seen" this situation before, so being able to tell myself going forward that it isn't real even if it seems to be.

Edited May 30, 2017 by creekland

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Can you speak with a therapist and your doctor about this?

 

Also, you mentioned some meds that may be helpful for your conditions that have potential side effects mentally. I am sorry if I am redundant here but it may still be worth asking your doctor about them and consider taking them since some of those black box warnings are not proven side effects of meds but are only coincidentally related. For example, I considered accutane for my kid and the black box warnings had me freaked out but I spoke at length with the doctor and did some online research and came to the conclusion that the serious side effects were not proven to be causally related to the med. The doctor who has tons of experience with this med has also never seen the side effects I was worried about and the studies I read regarding the same also said the same thing which was reassuring. Needless, he on the med and so far so good.

 

Lastly, and again sorry for the unsolicited advice and probable redundancy, but have you done to a nationally renowned medical center and doctor for your condition if you can? US News and World Report has lists of the places and doctors. Or what about research studies? Sometimes doing this can be life saving or at the very least life prolonging with a high quality of life. I know going to a national renowned center and doctor did make a difference for my son and my mother even though they had access to good doctors previously. It is just that these national centers are often eons above the other doctors. You may be even able to get a phone consult.

 

Again, I am sorry you are going through this. :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[creekland]

Lastly, and again sorry for the unsolicited advice and probable redundancy, but have you gone to a nationally renowned medical center and doctor for your condition if you can? 

 

This is a long story.

 

To begin, I am SO not a medical person.  Consider it a character flaw if you wish, because that's probably what it is.  (The irony is not lost on me that I have a son going to med school.)  I'm not anti-medicine or doctors.  I just prefer as little of it all as possible.  That's my natural mindset.

 

Then, toss in a brain tumor (benign - no longer an issue).  After 18 months of vision issues, I finally conceded that my body wasn't likely to heal itself and got that looked into (at Johns Hopkins).  That was treated (successfully) with radiation, though the vision issues remain.  That's ok.  Those don't bother me (mentally).

 

That gave me the faulty idea that maybe other issues I had (some predating radiation) could also be fixed.  BT docs said they weren't related to the tumor or radiation.  Other docs disagree.  A couple of common causes for those issues were checked and ruled out (some twice at their insistence), but then they stopped.  "Must be radiation or stress."  I bought the stress idea for quite some time, but it's not stress.  No one else in my IRL circle thinks stress either.  But there's the impasse if you want the Cliff Note version.  I looked up some other causes for things that are constant (like hearing pulse) and suggested checking those to two different doctors and was promptly told to stay off google.  I directly asked for the testing and was told no.  Money was not an issue.  Instead, "consider how you can reduce stress in your life."

 

I reduced stress.  I ditched the doctor appts.   ;)  Now if only the issues would either go away or quit progressing.   :glare:

 

Someone with more determination than I would continue to try other doctors.  I more or less figure they're all pretty much the same and they don't have time to delve into something out of the ordinary - something they've likely never seen before. On top of that, I've been "blessed" by not getting typical symptoms for almost anything (thanks mom).  Even something as common as carpal tunnel wasn't typical symptom-wise for me.  A test showed it was definitely there.  I had a few definite issues, but even a hand specialist - a good hand specialist - wasn't sure that was the cause until after he did the first surgery.  Then his remark was, "I have no idea why you weren't getting the more typical symptoms. It should have been a lot worse."  Surgery fixed the issues I had though.  The test was the only solid evidence of what was wrong - making me a big believer in tests over "thoughts" (mine or theirs).

 

Couple lack of typical symptoms, something that is likely unusual, and radiation from a brain tumor and I suspect the "doctor" copy of my chart has big red letters saying "Hypochondriac/Stress warning - look no further."

 

So I deal with symptoms and occasionally check on my own to see how I can best live with them.  As they progress, more checking is needed.  New things can come and stay (probably related) or come and go (not likely related).  Only time tells.

 

The last Iron deal came up because one of the DIY community health blood checks (does multiple tests - open to anyone in the community) came back with a low Fe saturation rate - flagged low.  That was totally new - a big WTH moment.  I saw a brand new doctor about it and she suggested adding small amounts of iron (Fe level itself was not low).  I tried less than she suggested, things got somewhat worse.  I thought she was probably right, so went up to her dose only to find everything got considerably worse. That actually had me recalculating my "how long do I expect to live health issue-wise" thinking it was more progression.  However, I remembered I had added the iron - only new thing in my life - dropped it - and found most things have gone back to "my" normal.  Friday I'll get another blood test with results later that day or the next.  Perhaps the old one was merely an incorrect reading.  Time will tell.  Regardless, adding iron is NOT the solution if there is a problem.  If there is a problem, I'm not sure how it fits into the puzzle or if it's its own issue.  I'll work on figuring that out in a few days if needed.  It may be just another thing I live with and remain puzzled about TBH.

 

And for a "maybe" hope in the future (besides my body healing itself), middle son is heading to med school.  He's among those who believe me and would like to figure out what is wrong.  Perhaps he'll get knowledge or contacts.

Edited May 31, 2017 by creekland

[creekland]

ps  Right NOW I have literally no time to look into anything anyway even if I were to change my mind.  My mom has terminal cancer and my in-laws aren't doing so well either.  Both live hours away in different directions.  We're hardly home.  When we are we're getting household or critter things done. That won't change until someone passes away.

 

pps  I inwardly smirk when my mom gets asked all the "what symptoms do you have from chemo" questions at each appt.  Except for nausea I tend to have more than she does... no chemo on my part (ever) though. Such is life. (sigh)

[creekland]

It's tough when you literally have no time to deal with your own stuff. (I just missed a uni enrolment dealine for myself in the chaos of dealing with dd in hospital, so I hear you!) 

 

Having your mom so sick has to be a source of stress. Not that I think 'stress! Reduce it!' is the magical answer, even if that was possible. 

 

Take care of yourself as best you can right now. And do check in here again if 'harmful impulsivity' revisits. We can all help you brainstorm ways to deal. 

 

Thanks.  I definitely want to try to keep a sound mind when dealing with things.

 

Interestingly enough... my mom's issues were all "stress" too.  It's a family pattern I suppose - totally different doctors and different medical system.  My guess is we aren't "typical" enough.  My youngest son has atypical epilepsy too - with unusual symptoms.  He stymied all but the specialist - who had to consult with other specialists, but at least was willing to do so.  Then tests confirmed it.

 

I don't really think my issues are cancer related.  They could be, I suppose, as that's never been checked into and some symptoms match, but my main guess is vascular (IF it's only one thing causing all non-radiation affected issues).  If it turns out being cancer there's no sense finding out now.  The "catching it early" ship has already sailed.  That's something I considered when opting to bow out instead of pushing for answers.  Besides, what more can one do other than directly ask and be told, "no?"  Our system is not set up for the person affected to be in charge.  We can decline things, but not insist upon them.

[J-rap]

You probably don't want to hear health suggestions, but have you ever been checked for Hemochromatosis?

[creekland]

You probably don't want to hear health suggestions, but have you ever been checked for Hemochromatosis?

 

Without googling, my guess is that one would show up in the semi-annual blood tests I have done since they do Fe levels.  There's never been anything wrong with Iron levels - except that one saturation test last Dec.  The test this Friday ought to show if that's changed at all.  If I had to guess, I'd say that result was inaccurate.

 

The symptom of taking more iron though, wow... that wasn't pleasant even with a relatively small amount added.  I wish I'd thought of googling that earlier than I did.  It would have save a bit of issues, both physical and mental.  I'm still wondering if it's all out of my system as all of those "new" symptoms (like joint pain) haven't completely disappeared yet.  They're significantly better though.  Chest pains are too - though that's not new.  It's just been unexplained.  It has me wondering (looking back) if that's been totally related to iron in my diet though.  Someday I'll test foods - not sure when with our travels.  If it helps, I'll go low iron.  That might be a bad thing for others, but if it's ok with my body... Fatigue is gone.  It's nice having my energy levels back to normal! 

[Lilaclady]

((((Hugs)))) creekland. You are a strong lady and I pray you are able to get some good answers soon.

[creekland]

((((Hugs)))) creekland. You are a strong lady and I pray you are able to get some good answers soon.

 

Hah!  Well, in my secret fantasy world I entertain the welcome thought that all of the non-radiation issues have been due to too much iron and cutting that back significantly will eliminate those symptoms.  In the real world, who knows?  It's probably not possible to be that simple - esp with no "high iron" readings.  I also can't think of any biological way for that to be related to hearing my pulse (at least that's not painful, but on mentally bad days - it gets irritating).

 

In general though, that's the only "open" issue.  All the rest I've just resolved to deal with on my own until there's too much to want to (if it ever reaches that stage - I don't know for sure that it will - if it actually is all related to radiation, it could get better with time.  So far it's only been three years.).

[prairiewindmomma]

Creekland--pulsatile tinnitus is the clinical term for hearing your own pulse.  It's a known thing in the brain tumor world, because most of the time it's a vascular issue (blood flow being blocked by a tumor) or from some mild hydrocephalus.  It can also come from nerve damage though.  I think we've already talked about all of those angles....but have you had a carotid artery ultrasound done?  

 

There's a lot of pulsatile tinnitus that's linked to artherosclerosis of the carotid artery as well.  It came to mind because my grandmother had some vicious emotional swings in addition to weakness and numbness and difficulty swallowing right before she had carotid artery surgery. I think this would fit a lot of your puzzle pieces:

http://www.uwhealth.org/heart-cardiovascular/carotid-artery-disease-carotid-stenosis/11139

[creekland]

Creekland--pulsatile tinnitus is the clinical term for hearing your own pulse.  It's a known thing in the brain tumor world, because most of the time it's a vascular issue (blood flow being blocked by a tumor) or from some mild hydrocephalus.  It can also come from nerve damage though.  I think we've already talked about all of those angles....but have you had a carotid artery ultrasound done?  

 

There's a lot of pulsatile tinnitus that's linked to artherosclerosis of the carotid artery as well.  It came to mind because my grandmother had some vicious emotional swings in addition to weakness and numbness and difficulty swallowing right before she had carotid artery surgery. I think this would fit a lot of your puzzle pieces:

http://www.uwhealth.org/heart-cardiovascular/carotid-artery-disease-carotid-stenosis/11139

 

I can definitely tick a lot of those symptoms off and vascular is the direction I wanted them to check out based upon google searches and thinking about symptoms.  They said no.  The radiation doc said it's not a radiation/tumor issue (except for the vision stuff which goes along with the known tumor).  They used an MRI to check for other tumors - none.  They required I go to an ENT (twice) even though everything I learned from google and the anatomy teacher at our school said it can't be an ENT issue (no hearing loss or balance issues).  Both ENTs agreed - not an ENT issue.  There are two other known areas (and an additional one I think is related) where blood vessels were/are not normal, but those apparently don't count and they don't believe me with how they entered my life because they've never heard of something like that before. End of conversation.  I guess I'm a good story teller.  It probably goes along with the stress.

 

It all makes sense to ME to check out vascular - esp since I gave it time to be "stress" and symptoms don't align with actual stress in my life, but what do I know...  :cursing:  

 

It might not be vascular.  I'm guessing, but in my mind it sure seems to be an educated guess.  And if they would do the @#$! tests we'd both be satisfied with the answer.  I don't trust their guess anymore than I totally trust my own.

 

But honestly?  At this point in my life que sera sera.  Even if a Boardie out there were to tell me, "Come here and we'll check it out," when, exactly, does that happen?  Do I tell my mom - "Sorry, no one will be with you for this chemo session and those "last trips" you've planned (and paid for) with us I'm going to miss?"  Or do I tell FIL - probably also in his last year, perhaps months or weeks  - that I/we can't be with him for his birthday/Father's Day?  And I have two ponies foaling somewhere in there - watching closely for signs.  Do I tell my farm sitter (who is 100% inexperienced with foaling) "Here's a web site. Thanks!"  We're already juggling schedules far more than I thought was possible.  The only "saving" grace part is hubby's job is portable so we're keeping income coming in.  Normally we go nowhere in the spring (ponies and jobs are at their peak).

 

I've tucked a blood test in there.  That's really the best I can do until - well, who knows?

 

Then too - IRL the Hive always gets more "involved" in any health issues than I've found doctors to do.  On the Hive (and to my friends) my never getting hungry and slow digestive system are worth checking out.  I've mentioned that to every doctor I've seen (including the last one who honestly doesn't know much about the rest of things because "I'm done" with them) and none have found it to be concerning.  The last one told me, "You're lucky!  I'm starving."  I actually do like that side effect - it comes in super handy not having to eat - but my mind still wonders if it's ok or not.  Maybe it is.

 

So IF I took time to get another appt, who's to say it wouldn't lead to more of the same?  "Stress."  It's all my family ever gets.  Oh, and here's the bill...

 

In my ideal world I could have scheduled a couple of those tests myself (a year ago) the same way I can do these blood tests.  Only I would get the results.  If anything came up I could share that with a doctor.  If not, I'd know that wasn't the cause and have to keep looking elsewhere... but at least "I" would know and it wouldn't add to the "hypochondriac" part of the chart because I was wrong.

 

I don't let my mind wander too much to my second guess - that one coming about 100% after my mom found out about her rare cancer...  If that were the case, I could tell them where to look in the PET scan due to what's come about in the past couple of years and again, that ship has sailed, so is it even worth knowing?

 

Vascular remains my top guess.  But it's a guess and one I can't pursue further due to the way our system is set up (and everything going on in my life right now).

 

I am thankful I figured out the Iron one though.  It honestly has made me (mentally) feel a lot better getting rid of some of what I thought was progression coming on quickly since Feb.  Why my body opts to get tired and painful when a little bit of iron is added is probably not a question I want to dwell on either.  I'm just chalking it up to "Yeah, we're different.  Lucky us!  :glare: "