anti-supportive MIL

[mamashark]

My mother-in-law is one of those types who has strong opinions and tries to share them "out of kindness" and I was on the receiving end of a 30 minute "good conversation" (ie lecture) yesterday about my parenting and issues with my son.

 

My son, for background, has increasing behavior issues and turned 4 in January. I've been receiving advice on the LC board and our pediatrician, and the current consensus is that we need a good behavioral assessment. In the meantime we've been working though diet changes and adding OT into our day. His behavior is explosive and unpredictable and becoming more extreme and while most of the time he's sweet and nice, when he decides to throw a fit, it's uncontrollable. Add to that extreme picking eating, sensory defensiveness, sleep problems, and extreme difficulty separating from me in familiar places (like at Church). In fact, the pediatrician didn't even give him any vaccines at his last apt. even though he's behind, she was concerned about toxic buildup in his body due to this behavioral problems.

 

Grandma sees him throwing fits at her house but doesn't see the explosive fit that lasts the entire shopping trip at the store, or the struggle at church to go into class. She doesn't lose sleep over and over again because he's waking her up at night more nights a week than not. (rather, she's upset because we won't allow him to sleep over at her house like we do the girls) To her credit - her youngest (of 2 children - I married her eldest) gave her behavior problems and was an extremely picky eater. He is now grown and married with a job. "turned out just fine" in her words.

 

Yesterday I made the immense mistake of mentioning that I was mentally maxed out because of trying to sort through all the recommendations by the ped., etc. over my sons behavior. She asked for more info in a friendly way and this is the first time I think she's ever shown interest in ME, so I took the bait.

 

The following 30 minutes included her telling me that he is a "Normal 4 year old boy" and that "picky eating is not a problem, just look at her other son who is a healthy adult now in spite of his picky eating" and that "I wish you would just listen to others for once" and that she has "already raised her children" and thus knows better, and that the behavior is "normal." I challenged her because she's literally the only one telling me his behavior is normal and she's telling me to listen to others, so which others should I listen to? The ONE who is telling me he's normal or the REST who are telling me he's not? 

 

She was very very very upset with the idea of having him "labeled" and did NOT want me to pursue evaluations. She told me she's seen me "work with him when he throws a fit and if you would just walk away and let him throw the fit he would learn to stop" and "have you tried paddling?". Yes, yes I tried spanking him. Actually it was DH who tried that. He became violent in a hurry. That method of discipline is off the table. She indicated that I'm causing his behavior to be worse and that I'm borrowing trouble by assuming its not normal. She doesn't care what the behaviorist says, she doesn't care what the pediatrician says, she doesn't care what the OT says. She thinks it's acceptable for him to scream his way through the entire grocery store for 20 minutes because I told him no and he knows he can't get what he wanted. He's 4, not 2. 

 

This isn't the first issue we have had with her either. Bedtime is "too early" and removing gluten from our DD2's diet because it definitively causes her eczema is just "wrong" and trying to cut back on sugar is "a shame for kids" and removing milk from our son's diet since he loves it so much is "cruel". I'm "over protective" (because of carseat rules - yes my 6 year old is still in a 5 point harness and my not-quite-2 year old is still rear facing...) and I'm not reasonable because I won't take my kids to her church (we LOVE our church). Oh and homeschooling is dangerous. She also thinks our eldest (gifted DD) is behind in school because I'm homeschooling and we spend a lot of time outside/playing. This is probably worsened by the fact that DD2 has dyslexia and struggling to learn to read as a 6 year old. And there is more, but I won't continue...

 

I can't afford to ruin this relationship (yet - we are living in our camper in their yard right now while DH looks for a fulltime job) but believe me come summer the chips will fall and I won't be able to stand there smiling at her even though I'm raging so badly inside that I literally cannot see straight. I was so mad when I left that I went home and browned a half-frozen pound of ground beef in a short few minutes, chopping it into little frozen bits until my hand had cramped up so badly without my noticing that I had to pry my fingers off the spatula when I was finished. And all this happened after a wonderful morning at Church where I received a ton of support and love from friends.

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug:

[Guest]

I know this is easier said than done, but really you need to let her "advice" roll off your back. I listened to my well-intentioned MIL (whom I *loved* by the way - no sarcasm) for too long and went against my "mommy instinct" that something was wrong with my son. She meant well, she loved her grandson, but sometimes (most times?) the mom's instincts are the correct ones.

 

So go punch a pillow, scream in the closet, do whatever gets the frustrations out... then ignore her. Keep in mind that she loves your son too, but YOU are the mama. You reign supreme here, honey.

Edited April 24, 2017 by Kinsa

[TheReader]

:hugs:  (the smiley menu won't open for me to put the regular hug smiley here...)

 

Unfortunately, I know well the exhaustion that comes from interactions like that. I'm sorry you're having to go through it, on top of the mental maxed-outness that you feel (understandably!) from the issues with your son. 

 

sucks when you start a conversation with someone by saying how mentally maxed out you are, and they decide that's a good time to pile on more junk. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: 

 

 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Next time:  "I've suddenly developed a splitting headache, gotta go lie down!"

 

Seriously though, that sucks, I hope you find a place to live with a bit more space soon!  

[mamashark]

Next time: "I've suddenly developed a splitting headache, gotta go lie down!"

 

Seriously though, that sucks, I hope you find a place to live with a bit more space soon!

Lol, I really wanted to just turn around and leave without saying anything. Let her draw her own conclusions.

 

 

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[Lilaclady]

((((hugs)))))

[Tanaqui]

I've said it before. I'll no doubt say it again. When you discuss your choices with other people, you're sending the message that these decisions are up for discussion. And if they're not, they're not. So avoid doing this at all costs.

 

But I think you know that, so I won't belabor the point. And I know that in your situation, sometimes this is easier said than done! So if you find yourself in this situation again, I suggest you stick to a limited inventory of responses, along the lines of "Thank you for your concern, but we're happy with the doctor's advice". The less you vary it, the better - being repetitive sends the message best. Once you've said it, change the subject. If she won't drop it, find a reason to leave. "It's been great talking to you, but I just remembered I left the oven on!" "Gotta go feed the cat!" "Oh, no, I'm missing Jeopardy!" Whatever it takes. (Normally, I don't think silly excuses is the way to go, but in your situation you may feel it is necessary not to be too blunt.)

[kroe1]

Hugs. But, if you put 10 doctors in a room, each will give a different response. The same goes with moms, therapists, etc. In other words, there are a 1000 ways to skin a cat. You are juggling many sets of advice from many different sources. Your MIL is just one of those sources. She, like other older, experienced moms, is probably quite wise. Add her advice to the others you are given and keep sorting out what will be best for your son. Somewhere in the middle you will find what works the best for him.

[Mimm]

I'm sorry. I've always said my MIL need to teach MIL'ing lessons. Your MIL can be in her first class. ;) I hope this summer you are able to change your living situation, because it sounds like you desperately need some distance.

 

And let this be a lesson to all of us, who may eventually become MILs ourselves (or are already). Our adult children and their spouses don't need to hear all our well intentioned advice. We can, and should, keep the majority of that to ourselves.

Edited April 24, 2017 by Mimm

[Guest]

Anytime you speak up you get advice. I learned a lot from it, and that is why my children were not allowed to sleep over.

 

No need to shoot the messenger on picky eating, it is normal and it says the digestive system isn't ready for certain things or there are nutrients lacking or there are sensory issues. Or all three. Would have been helpful if you had more details about the picky eaters as that would be a clue to lactose intolerant, celiac,etc. but at least she gave you a clue. You could follow up with the now-adult picky eater. Or just work with your son. At 4, mine was easily able to describe the reason he rejected certain foods. He turned out to be a super taster. Any cooked meat was disgusting, so I had to cover that with spices. Same for mixed ingredients...I became a lot better cook and he found flavor combos he could tolerate. My inlaws thought I was nuts. We all know preschoolers need to eat hot dogs and coke, right? While the adults get the pricy stuff. (Yep, brown bagged for both dc at all extended fam events).

Edited April 24, 2017 by Heigh Ho

[cflovinlife]

You mentioned you take your son to church, my suggestion would be to take this to his maker. Who knows what would be better for him then the one who made him. Pray over him. Don't let this world tell you there is something wrong or he needs drugs. My son who is now 13 used to be the same way. (He's a normal 13 year old - the attitude and mouth)They wanted to label him as ADHD and drug him. Thankfully I took it to prayer and God showed me that my son was a loving and kind young man who sometimes gets frustrated.

 

I hate to say it but on one account your MIL may be right. Sometimes you have to walk away and ignore the behavior. The more we pay attention the worse they can become. Oh those break downs in the grocery store were the worst. I made sure if a break down happened we left. Most times that meant going shopping once dad got home.

 

Listen mama you know your son better then all of is. Sometimes it as easy as paying attention to the timing. One of the biggest things that helped us was when he was playing or doing something he enjoyed I always gave him a heads up. Ten minutes and we have to go, then 5 minutes. This gives them the control to be prepared. Most times it works. We still use it today .

 

Remember with God we can do all things!

 

Praying for you and your son.

 

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[mamashark]

Anytime you speak up you get advice. I learned a lot from it, and that is why my children were not allowed to sleep over.

 

No need to shoot the messenger on picky eating, it is normal and it says the digestive system isn't ready for certain things or there are nutrients lacking or there are sensory issues. Or all three. Would have been helpful if you had more details about the picky eaters as that would be a clue to lactose intolerant, celiac,etc. but at least she gave you a clue. You could follow up with the now-adult picky eater. Or just work with your son. At 4, mine was easily able to describe the reason he rejected certain foods. He turned out to be a super taster. Any cooked meat was disgusting, so I had to cover that with spices. Same for mixed ingredients...I became a lot better cook and he found flavor combos he could tolerate.

Yes! You are so right about the picky eating ! Only, Her method of dealing with picky eating was to serve the same 3 foods he would eat for every meal. I am actively working to figure out which foods he can tolerate and why and ensure he gets adequate nutrition in the meantime. Mil thinks the possibility of a nutritional deficiency is ridiculous... Her words not mine. She feels I'm creating problems by working on this. But she Also feels eczema isn't a problem for a child to deal with, even if you know a food causes it... If it were up to her, she wouldn't remove the food and just treat the eczema with creams.

 

 

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Edited April 24, 2017 by mamashark

[SKL]

Objectively, your MIL is probably partly right.  I agree with adding her views to all the others you are sifting through as you try to find the right responses to your son's behavior.

 

It might help if you come up with a response to that kind of talk in advance.  "Thanks for your input, I'll consider that along with the other advice I'm getting."  You might also appeal to her ability to sympathize:  "when BIL was 4, did you not have others telling you it might not be normal?  Didn't you ever wonder?"  I'll bet she did.

 

Of course it's none of her business, but you did seem to be inviting her opinion at the beginning of the conversation.

 

I do understand your frustration though.  I live with a friend who frequently lectures me about my parenting.  (She is childless and therefore expert.)  My kids have their own behavior issues, especially one of them, who shows her worst self when this friend is around.  Friend thinks I should engage in practices that I know will only wind my kid up more and make the behavior worse.  Friend believes she is doing me a big favor when she tells me how rotten my kid is and how stupid my parenting is.  (Of course she does not say "rotten" or "stupid."  After I get mad, she says, what's wrong? I think you're a great mom.  Whatever! :P)

[Jean in Newcastle]

((Hugs)). When is the behavioral assessment? It is so hard when you are pursuing things but your child's behavior is still something you have to deal with on a constant basis. Try to focus on getting through the "next thing" right now. You're still gathering information from professionals, from your own experiments with diet etc.

 

I'm glad that you're getting advice on the LC board. Those ladies have helped me so much. They understand the struggles because they have lived it and are still living it. There is no judgement. And what advice they give is based on a lot of knowledge. Of course you still have to sort through what fits your particular son.

 

It sounds like you desperately need some respite right now but your MIL isn't the one to give it. It's ok to remind yourself that she loves your son and that she's trying in her overbearing way to reassure you. But to then keep her at a civil arm's length.

 

 

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[mamashark]

((Hugs)). When is the behavioral assessment?

 

 

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Not until August.

 

I've got an OT contact and a behavioral therapist contact scheduled for an informal chat this week though.

 

 

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[Sk8ermaiden]

Hugs. That is so rough. I have watched my best friend deal with the same thing. Her boys have multiple diagnoses and the grandmas are constantly insisting "They're just boys! Why do you want to label them!?" Because it helps them get the help they need to function in the world. They don't get it. They don't want to. She's around boys their own age all the time. She knows they are way outside the norm.  

 

It's rough. :(

[happi duck]

(hugs)

[Guest]

Not until August.

 

I've got an OT contact and a behavioral therapist contact scheduled for an informal chat this week though.

 

 

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Looking back, how much is sensory overload and how much is tantrum?

[mamashark]

Looking back, how much is sensory overload and how much is tantrum?

My gut says the majority is sensory overload.

 

 

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[Laurie]

 . In fact, the pediatrician didn't even give him any vaccines at his last apt. even though he's behind, she was concerned about toxic buildup in his body due to this behavioral problems.

 

 

 

I would insist that your doctor report this to VAERS.   https://vaers.hhs.gov/professionals/index

[Guest]

My gut says the majority is sensory overload.

 

 

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Read up on sensory diet?

 

I would not take him to stores. The lighting and the sensory overload from the visual and the auditory just does not work for where his body is at.

[kbutton]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I urge you to avoid talking about anything important with her. She is unlikely to change, and it just makes you upset. It is possible to basically not talk. You just start giving one word answers or changing the subject. It's not fun, and it feels disrespectful or horrible, but it can be necessary. If it's bad enough, you might have to avoid talking about your children in front of her as well or to people who will "Inform" on you. After years of working on it, I kind of have a protective system for dealing with the family member that gives us the most trouble--there are topics agreed upon, topics to be avoided, people we can speak to, and people we can't speak to. There are diagnoses that we speak freely about with others, but we make sure she does not know much about them (for instance, this person knows that one of my child's diagnoses causes a lot of joint pain, etc., but she does not know that it could be fatal if he develops certain complications--the age range for those complications exceed her likely lifespan, so we prefer she has no idea). 

 

If there is any chance that your son (or even the other children with eczema, etc.) get some of their issues from your MIL, definitely don't talk to her about them. She will take things doubly personally because she is "just fine." Some people who have difficulties are defensive about them, and other people are adamant that their loved ones get the help they didn't get. 

 

Stand your ground on the limitations you have with overnights, etc. It's not worth it. I wanted to put my foot down much earlier in the process than DH did, and we had some close calls (lack of supervision, situations that were life-threatening that shouldn't have been, etc.). Some people cannot be trusted, regardless of how much they say they love your kids, and those people can be very dangerous.

[mamashark]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I urge you to avoid talking about anything important with her. She is unlikely to change, and it just makes you upset. It is possible to basically not talk. You just start giving one word answers or changing the subject. It's not fun, and it feels disrespectful or horrible, but it can be necessary. If it's bad enough, you might have to avoid talking about your children in front of her as well or to people who will "Inform" on you. After years of working on it, I kind of have a protective system for dealing with the family member that gives us the most trouble--there are topics agreed upon, topics to be avoided, people we can speak to, and people we can't speak to. There are diagnoses that we speak freely about with others, but we make sure she does not know much about them (for instance, this person knows that one of my child's diagnoses causes a lot of joint pain, etc., but she does not know that it could be fatal if he develops certain complications--the age range for those complications exceed her likely lifespan, so we prefer she has no idea).

 

If there is any chance that your son (or even the other children with eczema, etc.) get some of their issues from your MIL, definitely don't talk to her about them. She will take things doubly personally because she is "just fine." Some people who have difficulties are defensive about them, and other people are adamant that their loved ones get the help they didn't get.

 

Stand your ground on the limitations you have with overnights, etc. It's not worth it. I wanted to put my foot down much earlier in the process than DH did, and we had some close calls (lack of supervision, situations that were life-threatening that shouldn't have been, etc.). Some people cannot be trusted, regardless of how much they say they love your kids, and those people can be very dangerous.

you have put to words what I've been trying to figure out. I've lived by these rules somewhat but broke then yesterday when I opened my mouth. She's a very unhappy person based on some life decisions she's made and as much as she couches everything in "love" (and I'm not doubting she does love the kids) she's not really in a healthy place to give wise advise.

 

And I do think she's very defensive about a lot... She lectured my 9 yo dd the other day because dd asked if g-ma ate Ice Cream a lot. (Innocent question from dd because dh loves ice cream too) mil went on about how many snacks dd eats and how the ice cream is her only snack so yes she eats it every day!!! I almost laughed aloud at the absurdity of how offended mil was about it all.

 

 

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[Lang Syne Boardie]

It sounds like this living situation is becoming very hard on all of you, including MIL. :( Your ability to maintain boundaries, and possibly her defensiveness and meddling, will all improve when you can move out of her yard. I hope the time passes quickly, and that maybe you can even find a way to move sooner.

[kbutton]

you have put to words what I've been trying to figure out. I've lived by these rules somewhat but broke then yesterday when I opened my mouth. She's a very unhappy person based on some life decisions she's made and as much as she couches everything in "love" (and I'm not doubting she does love the kids) she's not really in a healthy place to give wise advise.

 

And I do think she's very defensive about a lot... She lectured my 9 yo dd the other day because dd asked if g-ma ate Ice Cream a lot. (Innocent question from dd because dh loves ice cream too) mil went on about how many snacks dd eats and how the ice cream is her only snack so yes she eats it every day!!! I almost laughed aloud at the absurdity of how offended mil was about it all.

 

 

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It is very easy to be sucked into talking when people are nice and life is stressful. You get lulled into thinking, "Maybe this will be the time it makes sense to them. It's so nice to be heard." 

 

Some people take all differences as judgment on their choices. It sounds like she maybe doesn't connect behavior to consequences if she has a lot of regrets. If that is the case, then think of it as an executive functioning difficulty and realize she's not mature. You can't make her have the skill, but you can protect yourself from being in the crosshairs of her poor functioning in this area. Maybe using clinical terms would help.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Protect yourself. It's hard. You want to have someone who listens, but it's not going to happen with this woman. We'll listen though! The LC board is great support.

[mamashark]

think of it as an executive functioning difficulty and realize she's not mature. You can't make her have the skill, but you can protect yourself from being in the crosshairs of her poor functioning in this area. Maybe using clinical terms would help..

This is a big idea... And recognizing several of the clinical terms that would be accurate for her means that I cannot expect her to respond certain ways.

 

For example she's made choices that I cannot share on here that mean she is not trustworthy and expecting her to be trustworthy would be like expecting an addict to not drink if given the option even after several years sober.

 

It's an interesting thought process to look at it from a clinical perspective and helps take a lot of the emotion out of it.

 

 

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[Lang Syne Boardie]

Is it possible that you could go to work along with DH, so that you all could stop living in her yard?

[Nemom]

 

My son, for background, has increasing behavior issues and turned 4 in January. I've been receiving advice on the LC board and our pediatrician, and the current consensus is that we need a good behavioral assessment. In the meantime we've been working though diet changes and adding OT into our day. His behavior is explosive and unpredictable and becoming more extreme and while most of the time he's sweet and nice, when he decides to throw a fit, it's uncontrollable. Add to that extreme picking eating, sensory defensiveness, sleep problems, and extreme difficulty separating from me in familiar places (like at Church). In fact, the pediatrician didn't even give him any vaccines at his last apt. even though he's behind, she was concerned about toxic buildup in his body due to this behavioral problems.

 

 

 

 

 I know you didn't ask for medical advice and you state that you are working with your pediatrician but the symptoms you list ring some bells with me.  

 

I just want to throw this out there for you and do what you will with it...Have you heard of PANDAS/PANS?  It is a fairly new disease and may not be on your ped's radar.  Might be worth investigating.

 

http://www.pandasnetwork.org

[mamashark]

Is it possible that you could go to work along with DH, so that you all could stop living in her yard?

This is something my husband is very against. He wants me home with the kids and homeschooling. Our circumstances will Change in June one way or another so we are very close... So close I can taste it, lol. Plan A is a new job but plan B gets us out of the yard. I can't explain much more than that at the moment but Change is coming.

 

 

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[mamashark]

I know you didn't ask for medical advice and you state that you are working with your pediatrician but the symptoms you list ring some bells with me.

 

I just want to throw this out there for you and do what you will with it...Have you heard of PANDAS/PANS? It is a fairly new disease and may not be on your ped's radar. Might be worth investigating.

 

http://www.pandasnetwork.org

I'll look that up, thanks for the suggestion. I'm all ears right now because I know the behavior isn't normal and I need help with it. Even if my mil has her head stuck in the sand.

 

 

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