bethben Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 You know how they say if you don't notice that anyone else in your family is strange, it's usually you? I'm trying to determine if I just see my family's disfunction or if it's just me. Earlier this week, I believe I insulted one of my sisters on Facebook. I responded to her post and also responded to her friend's faulty thinking on a topic I have been passionate about for years. I realized too late, it broke my no social media "talk about anything that people are passionate about" rule so I apologized. Basically, she could still be irritated and I have no way to make amends. She has never responded to my emails or calls. I live 1000 miles away from my extended family (mom, 4 sisters, 1 brother). I've always lived far away. I will call or email any of them and have never gotten a response. I've tried and tried through the years and no one will respond to calls or emails. Every sort of issue that they have with each other goes through my mom. For example, "your sisters don't like it when you call them because they just don't have that kind of time to talk to you" or "please don't talk to your sister about that subject, it upsets her". I refuse to play that game and if I have something to say, I just try to say it directly. If I want to make plans with one of them when I visit, I go directly to them to make the plans (ironically, if I have to leave a message and I'm at my Moms house, they will make my mom the secretary to make arrangements with me even though I'm standing right there). I am left with texting as the only way any of them will respond to me and even then not so much. Contact us always always initiated on my part. I've discovered that is you live close to my mom, you're part of the "close family" they keep saying we have. My sister who lives an hour away from the hub is "out". They're not rude to her, they just make no effort to have any sort of contact with her other than "you're invited to xyz nephews birthday". So, am I the black sheep or do I just see disfunction here that no one else seems to see? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Sounds like dysfunctional plus maybe a mismatch in personalities to me, but without knowing the people involved and the specifics it would be very hard for someone on the internet to really make this call. I'm sorry it sounds like you are deliberately being shut out. That stinks. :grouphug: If you are bothered by this situation enough to really tweak it out you might consider counseling to get a different perspective from a neutral 3rd party you could share details with without risking posting very personal info on a public site. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 (edited) "Black sheep" is strong and implies conflict to me. It sounds like y'all aren't connected. Nothing drastic, but lazy on their part, wacky on your mom's part...etc. It sounds like it the old "it is what it is". I'd send cards,maybe a birthday gift, etc. I'd also expect nothing back. But, strangely, time and life events (my dad died last month so I'm seeing this now) have a way of changing people and tightening bonds. Do what you can. Love the way you can. As remember, you can't control their response, only what you do. Edited February 11, 2017 by FriedClams 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 I think the person who lives "away" and/or does things a little bit differently often is a little on the outs. Let's be honest, you don't have a lot in common with them most likely, and then you do things differently. (I assume you are the only one to homeschool. That lifestyle is fairly unique in a lot of ways.) Then add into it that you live away and that familiarity is just not there, kwim?I've lived away from my family for about 8 of 20 years of my adult life. Between that and lifestyle choices, the "easy" relationship that I'd like to have isn't quite there the same. I think there is a weird place between familiar and black sheep and you might be in that gap. :( 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xixstar Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 No suggestions on the black sheep. But my ILs do the same thing with his mother. Drives me a bit crazy. Well call BIL to discuss plans and we'll get the final plans from his mother. I've tried for 10 years to override this oddity and finally given up. It makes them happy, I suppose. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 You know how they say if you don't notice that anyone else in your family is strange, it's usually you? I'm trying to determine if I just see my family's disfunction or if it's just me. Earlier this week, I believe I insulted one of my sisters on Facebook. I responded to her post and also responded to her friend's faulty thinking on a topic I have been passionate about for years. I realized too late, it broke my no social media "talk about anything that people are passionate about" rule so I apologized. Basically, she could still be irritated and I have no way to make amends. She has never responded to my emails or calls. I live 1000 miles away from my extended family (mom, 4 sisters, 1 brother). I've always lived far away. I will call or email any of them and have never gotten a response. I've tried and tried through the years and no one will respond to calls or emails. Every sort of issue that they have with each other goes through my mom. For example, "your sisters don't like it when you call them because they just don't have that kind of time to talk to you" or "please don't talk to your sister about that subject, it upsets her". I refuse to play that game and if I have something to say, I just try to say it directly. If I want to make plans with one of them when I visit, I go directly to them to make the plans (ironically, if I have to leave a message and I'm at my Moms house, they will make my mom the secretary to make arrangements with me even though I'm standing right there). I am left with texting as the only way any of them will respond to me and even then not so much. Contact us always always initiated on my part. I've discovered that is you live close to my mom, you're part of the "close family" they keep saying we have. My sister who lives an hour away from the hub is "out". They're not rude to her, they just make no effort to have any sort of contact with her other than "you're invited to xyz nephews birthday". So, am I the black sheep or do I just see disfunction here that no one else seems to see? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk I'm sorry - your family is dysfunctional. it is NOT normal for adult children who are capable to only communicate or make private social arrangements with their mother as a go-between. what do these people plan on doing when your mother dies? does your mother like this power? she knows everything her children are doing this way. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted February 11, 2017 Author Share Posted February 11, 2017 Honestly, I am concerned when my mom does die. I fear that I will lose my whole family. The only way I know anything about anyone is through my mom. Texting does not a relationship make. My life is completely different than the rest. I'm the only one who moved away among other things. One of my sisters would like to move in theory, but she doesn't want to move away from my mom and inwardly, she probably knows that moving would make all the contact she does have with family cease to exist. I have this longing to be part of the "inner circle" and we as a family tried briefly to move closer to the hub. We sadly realized that the nearest we could get was 45 minutes away and that distance would not allow us the relationship or support that our family has needed for years. So, we moved the 1000 miles away (we were 350 miles away before) because it would give our nuclear family a better life. I don't know why this saddens me so much, but it does. I have even gone as far to try to explain this to a few of them that I thought would be more receptive when I visited in July, but nothing has changed. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 (edited) I'm sorry - your family is dysfunctional. it is NOT normal for adult children who are capable to only communicate or make private social arrangements with their mother as a go-between. what do these people plan on doing when your mother dies? does your mother like this power? she knows everything her children are doing this way. :iagree: It's not you, it's them. Really. I'm not just saying it to try to make you feel better. You shouldn't have to live 5 minutes away from your mother's house in order to qualify as a family member. That's ridiculous! Out of sight should not mean out of mind when it comes to your mom and your siblings! Your sisters most certainly could make time to talk to you on the phone. Everyone has 5 minutes to spare, even if it's while they're cooking dinner. Nobody is THAT busy. I'm so sorry you feel left out. It must hurt a lot. But I don't believe you did anything to deserve it, and the idea that everything seems to be filtered through your mother seems bizarre to me. Your sisters are adults and should be speaking for themselves and have relationships with you and with each other that are independent of your mom. Sending you hugs and the encouragement that maybe moving away was the smartest thing you could have possibly done for your own immediate family. :grouphug: Edited February 11, 2017 by Catwoman 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Reach out to your sister who lives an hour away from them and forge a relationship with her. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EMS83 Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 (edited) :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: You remind me maybe I should be contacting my SIL more often; we've sort of got an "out of sight out of mind" type situation going on, I think. Both ways, though. If she contacted me, I would definitely respond as well as I do with anyone. I'm sorry. It sounds like you are doing what you can, and you can't do their work for them. That may result in a less than ideal situation. I hope not, for your sake, though. Edited February 12, 2017 by CES2005 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Another vote that they don't sound like a healthy family. Sorry. You may be the "black sheep" in the "doesn't fit in" sense. But it sounds like it's because they've made you into that, not because you don't want to be close. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted February 12, 2017 Author Share Posted February 12, 2017 Reach out to your sister who lives an hour away from them and forge a relationship with her. Have tried this also. She has a pretty hard work schedule and a 7 month old baby. She doesn't go on the computer after work so email is out. Also, for the same reasons, she doesn't like talking on the phone. I have a texting relationship with her also. She's one of my best hopes I guess since she actually talks more than surface issues with me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Have tried this also. She has a pretty hard work schedule and a 7 month old baby. She doesn't go on the computer after work so email is out. Also, for the same reasons, she doesn't like talking on the phone. I have a texting relationship with her also. She's one of my best hopes I guess since she actually talks more than surface issues with me. I don't understand why you couldn't still email her. On weekends every week or so she could email back. Or just keep texting. I've developed some good relationships with texting. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Sounds like dh's mom's family. Dh's mom didn't like her three children communicating without her, so she pulled out all the stops to ruin their relationships with it each other. It worked great for her. She died in the middle, and dh's mom is not in communication with one brother, the other one died and was basically alienated from his siblings then. It is so hard to understand why a mother who claims to be loving would destroy her family. But she did it on purpose, no mistake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in KY Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 (edited) Honestly, I am concerned when my mom does die. I fear that I will lose my whole family. The only way I know anything about anyone is through my mom. Texting does not a relationship make. My life is completely different than the rest. I'm the only one who moved away among other things. One of my sisters would like to move in theory, but she doesn't want to move away from my mom and inwardly, she probably knows that moving would make all the contact she does have with family cease to exist. I have this longing to be part of the "inner circle" and we as a family tried briefly to move closer to the hub. We sadly realized that the nearest we could get was 45 minutes away and that distance would not allow us the relationship or support that our family has needed for years. So, we moved the 1000 miles away (we were 350 miles away before) because it would give our nuclear family a better life. I don't know why this saddens me so much, but it does. I have even gone as far to try to explain this to a few of them that I thought would be more receptive when I visited in July, but nothing has changed. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk When one goes away, one changes. Provincial life is rarely liberating to the mind of the one who stays behind. In other words, don't expect milk from a chicken. Ain't gonna happen. Edited February 12, 2017 by Susan in KY Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 "Black sheep" implies that one did something bad. Your facebook post doesn't count because it's recent and you say that the family has treated you like this for a long time. It's possible that they just don't feel they have anything in common with you, or maybe your lifestyle or opinions make them very uncomfortable. There's probably something there that prompts them to disconnect from you, not answer calls, emails or texts. Whether it's something you did (or something you are) or not is hard to tell from what you posted, but maybe something to consider when you're thinking about this. Is there something about you that rubs them the wrong way? Some past incident? Are you very different from them in fundamental ways? Just some things to think about... Whatever it is, it does seem that they're giving you a clear message that your aren't "one of them." If it were me, I'd say screw them and just get on with living my own life. In general, I really don't put up with other people's crap for long. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and move on. It's not easy. That's for sure, but in the end, your life is yours to live. Don't live it to please other people, especially people who barely acknowledge your existence. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 It does sound kind of strange that your fam doesn't want to talk to you. Though I guess if they will text, that is something. I myself am a bit weird about talking on the phone - not just with family, but with anyone. It stresses me out. So I will often let calls go to voice mail so I can listen and digest the message at my own speed - and prepare a sensible response. Often my response to a sibling call will be a text message. The mom as secretary thing is odd, but I don't think it's unusual that the mom is the person holding the family together. I used to worry about that with my family as well. I think you would be wise to start trying to build more direct lines. The next time you are in the area, consider visiting at your sibs' homes or going out with them separate from your mom and spending some quality time. If you do facebook, friend them so you are less out of touch about their day-to-day lives and vice versa. In my case, I find it awkward to try to coordinate things with multiple people when there is a lot of inter-dependence. For example, having my kids make a combined visit with my sister and my parents. Who is the main contact? I would count on my sister (the driver and scheduler) to coordinate it with my parents, but sometimes she didn't check with them in advance .... Calling my mom is iffy because she has limited windows of chatability - wakes up at ?? o'clock, listens to radio shows from ?? to ??, naps from ?? to ??, doesn't like to be disturbed during dinner, may need to go to bed early depending on how she feels ... so I really don't like calling her at all. I probably sound like a rotten daughter. :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Sounds like dh's mom's family. Dh's mom didn't like her three children communicating without her, so she pulled out all the stops to ruin their relationships with it each other. It worked great for her. She died in the middle, and dh's mom is not in communication with one brother, the other one died and was basically alienated from his siblings then. It is so hard to understand why a mother who claims to be loving would destroy her family. But she did it on purpose, no mistake. control. wanting to feel important/needed. control. the same reason some mother's continue to tell their adult children what to do, what to study, where to work, where to live, whom to marry. control. then they start on the grandkids . . . did I mention control? it's narcissistic. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted February 12, 2017 Author Share Posted February 12, 2017 Facebook doesn't work because only one out of the five posts anything and lately the one who posts does so about political topics and I tend to want to avoid that type of stuff at all costs. I get sucked in too easily-I tend not to post on those posts, but I rant privately. My solution has been to unfollow people who continually post political stuff. I hate doing that with my only sister who posts anything. So, my husband has suggested I just avoid facebook altogether. We all get along well when I do see them, but they have their own schedule and it doesn't change when I make a scheduled visit known about months in advanced. I can't seem to get together with any of them without my mom because the whole mom secretary thing--I make plans with them individually, they call back and invite my mom. I think part of the problem is that I had a turbulent teen time, went away to college and then moved out of state because I had a job offer. I've never lived in the area since. I'm the oldest also, so when I went to college, my youngest sister was 8. I've never been able to develop an adult relationship with any of them. They have chosen to not make the effort. Maybe they don't care for me personally. I will never know. Nobody brings up anything negative. We grew up learning to avoid conflict and emotion. So, if there is a conflict on their side, it won't ever be known. Maybe there's the close family that they all perceive and then there's the reality of what really is. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted February 12, 2017 Author Share Posted February 12, 2017 (edited) One of my sisters even had a child with special needs 9 years ago. Having lived in that world for 8 years before her daughter was born, I offered all kinds of support-navigating that world, emotional support, etc. She never took me up on it. I guess when we moved to our latest state, it was me giving up on having a relationship with them. Even my mom. She's mentioned that the majority of the grandchildren live near her and she doesn't see the need to visit that often the ones who desperately miss her. Maybe I've been written off. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Edited February 13, 2017 by bethben Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 I dunno, everyone has their own brand of crazy if you know them well enough. "Dysfunctional" can get very casually applied on these boards. It could be that some people are just not good at long-distance relationships. Some people connect better in person than electronically. I definitely talk to my friends nearby more than my own mother. I get the disconnected feeling. I'm the one that moved away and most of my siblings raised their kids near 'home.' It's not their fault my kids and I miss out on the bonding that occurs over ball games and spur-of-the-moment dinners. There IS a closeness that comes from proximity and can't be matched with facebook and yearly visits. The good thing about living far away is I can enjoy my family's company when I'm in their town and ignore the crazy when I'm not. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 control. wanting to feel important/needed. control. the same reason some mother's continue to tell their adult children what to do, what to study, where to work, where to live, whom to marry. control. then they start on the grandkids . . . did I mention control? it's narcissistic. In my dh's grandmother's case I do not believe she, herself, was a narcissist. I am certain that her mother, dh's great grandmother was one, just from stories my MIL has told about her over the years. I think dh's grandmother had no one healthy to learn from and had to figure life out on her own. She was manipulative because that's what her mother taught her and then she was sad when her family wasn't loving. She also wasn't very bright and had a hard time understanding that her own actions were unloving, after all they were just the same as her mother's. She died alone. One of her children didn't cancel a trip to Mexico when she was dying and one was on the east coast and one wasn't talking to her. It was very sad to me, but she had reaped what she sowed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 One of my sisters even had a child with special needs 9 years ago. Having lived in that world for 8 years before her daughter was born, I offered all kinds of support-navigating that world, emotional support, etc. She never took me up on it. I guess when we moved to our latest state, it was me giving up on having a relationship with them. Even my mom. She's mentioned that the majority of the grandchildren live near her and she doesn't see the need to visit that often the ones who desperately miss her. Maybe I've been written off. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk That broke my heart. I'm sorry. A grandmother who doesn't see the need to visit certain grandchildren has issues. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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