opinion - "hypothetical"

[gardenmom5]

two cousins live in the same metro area - far away from either family. both cousins are married, neither have children.  cousin 1's parents are coming for a visit.  cousin 1 lives in a 1 bdrm apartment, and cousin 2 lives in a 4 bdrm house.  cousin 1 suggested to h__ parents they stay with cousin 2.  (without asking cousin 2 if this would work.  cousin 2 and spouse have extremely busy schedules.)

 

thoughts?

[HSmomof2]

Cousin 1 should have talked to cousin 2 before suggesting this arrangement to the parents.

[Carol in Cal.]

Cousin 1 is presuming upon cousin 2 and should never have offered this without checking first.

OTOH, cousin 2 could be gracious and let them stay there, with the proviso that cousin 1 comes and stays also, to do all the entertaining and running h-- parents around and such.  IOW, sheltering but not actually hosting, except for maybe one dinner or something.  "Oh what a great idea--you should come and stay, too, and then it will be that much easier for you to take your parents around.  We are hopelessly busy that week, but we'll give you a key and you can come and go as you need to.  Let's definitely plan on dinner on Tuesday, though.  I hate to admit it but that's the only time we have free that whole week!"

 

"You don't want to come over?  Well then, I'm sure you'll want to have your parents all to yourself at your apartment rather than rattling around here without anybody to talk to.  But we'd love to take you all out to dinner on Tuesday!  It will be great to see you!"

 

[bettyandbob]

Cousin 1 is presumptuous and rude.

 

Assuming cousin 1 parents are aunt and uncle to cousin 2, we still don't know how close that relationship is. Cousin 2 has no responsibility to follow through and host these people.

 

The parents would be continuing the rudeness if they maintained an expectation to stay with 2.

 

Honestly, I know if I did this to my parents they would be do embarrassed when they realized I imposed on the cousin. I can only imagine the level of apologizing my mom would be do to cousin 2 and probably the whole family upon returning home.

[Sneezyone]

In my family this would be no big deal. Even if I hadn't seen my aunt/uncle/cousin/niece in a while, they'd be happy to see us and we would be happy to see them. In my family, dropping by is normal. They wouldn't expect us to chauffeur or entertain (although I'd probably get some foods they like and cook slightly larger meals than we already do). They'd cook, clean, rent a car and see the sites on their own. They're not seeking constant entertainment from us. They know we're busy people. Sure, I'd like a heads up that they were coming and would b annoyed if I didn't get at least a couple days/week notice but if I had the space it wouldn't be a major imposition.

Edited January 6, 2017 by Sneezyone

[maize]

I think this would depend on overall family culture and relationships. The busy schedules of cousin 2 and spouse would not matter significantly if the relatives were not expecting them to act as hosts but just to provide a room to sleep--if they are considerate and helpful guests it should not be a burden. If that is not how things would play out then there is a problem--if guests would expect to be fed and entertained and chauffeured around, for example, or if they are not people that cousin 2 and spouse feel at ease and comfortable with.

 

Cousin 1 should have asked cousin 2 first before making the suggestion, of course, but whether that lapse is a big deal or not just depends on the overall circumstances (including whether or not cousin 2 feels free to refuse without offending).

Edited January 6, 2017 by maize

[Free Indeed]

In my family this would be no big deal. Even if I hadn't seen my aunt/uncle/cousin/niece in a while, they'd be happy to see us and we would be happy to see them. In my family, dropping by is normal. They wouldn't expect us to chauffeur or entertain (although I'd probably get some foods they like and cook slightly larger meals than we already do). They'd cook, clean, rent a car and see the sites on their own. They're not seeking constant entertainment from us. They know we're busy people. Sure, I'd like a heads up that they were coming and would b annoyed if I didn't get at least a couple days/week notice but if I had the space it wouldn't be a major imposition.

This.

Edited January 6, 2017 by Free Indeed

[SparklyUnicorn]

I wouldn't be amused if someone volunteered me to host someone.

 

 

[JFSinIL]

Not cool. Cousin 1 can either find a way to fit them into their place, or help pay for a motel close by.  If cousin 2 hears of the visit and wants to offer a room, great.  But they should not be put on the spot to offer a room, or made to explain why they do not wish to do so.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Why doesn't the cousin just ask the other cousin?!  Easy peasy.  Why the assumption?

 

 

[gardenmom5]

Why doesn't the cousin just ask the other cousin?!  Easy peasy.  Why the assumption?

 

I'm not understanding this.   which cousin is supposed to ask what?  what assumption?  (other than cousin 1  suggesting cousin 2's house to h__ parents.  actually I'm not sure if cousin 1 said something to the parents, or just to cousin 2).

 

 

 

cousin 1 has a parent I wouldn't want as a house guest in the best circumstances.  the parent is  . . .I won't to say it.

lets just say - cousin 1 needs to be far away from h__ parent. cousin 1's sibling  turned into a nice person being far away from that parent.  (instead of most likely to be like that parent) 

 

the cousins live about an hour away from each other.   cousin 2 - when telling me about this -  hoped it would be enough they wouldn't want to stay due to inconvenience.   I'm will suggest to cousin 2 -  it's ok to say that doesn't work. saying "no" in social situations is something cousin 2 struggles with doing.    invite them to dinner one evening.  doing that preemptively would be good too.

 

cousin 1 and spouse have lived in this area before - they know people much closer to where they live if they feel compelled to find somewhere their parents can stay for free.

[maize]

I'm not understanding this. which cousin is supposed to ask what? what assumption? (other than cousin 1 suggesting cousin 2's house to h__ parents. actually I'm not sure if cousin 1 said something to the parents, or just to cousin 2).

 

 

 

cousin 1 has a parent I wouldn't want as a house guest in the best circumstances. the parent is . . .I won't to say it.

lets just say - cousin 1 needs to be far away from h__ parent. cousin 1's sibling turned into a nice person being far away from that parent. (instead of most likely to be like that parent)

 

the cousins live about an hour away from each other. cousin 2 - when telling me about this - hoped it would be enough they wouldn't want to stay due to inconvenience. I'm will suggest to cousin 2 - it's ok to say that doesn't work. saying "no" in social situations is something cousin 2 struggles with doing. invite them to dinner one evening. doing that preemptively would be good too.

 

cousin 1 and spouse have lived in this area before - they know people much closer to where they live if they feel compelled to find somewhere their parents can stay for free.

Ah, I think most of us read your OP to mean that cousin 1 had suggested to their parents that they stay with cousin 2 without first consulting cousin 2.

 

With the new information, cousin 2 should tell cousin 1 that they have other obligations during that time and are unable to have house guests. I'm sorry this is difficult for them to do but it really is the only decent solution.

[maize]

Can parents afford a hotel?

[gardenmom5]

Ah, I think most of us read your OP to mean that cousin 1 had suggested to their parents that they stay with cousin 2 without first consulting cousin 2.

 

With the new information, cousin 2 should tell cousin 1 that they have other obligations during that time and are unable to have house guests. I'm sorry this is difficult for them to do but it really is the only decent solution.

 

tbh - I'm not sure.  cousin 1 may have already suggested it to h_ parents, or just cousin 2.    I wouldn't be surprised if they had.  they could have gotten a 2bdrm - but chose not to.

 

It was only upon further reflection that I wondered if the "invite the parents state" had happened already or not.   

[gardenmom5]

Can parents afford a hotel?

 

easily.  "that parent" is too cheap to pay for one. (and proud of it.)

[SKL]

So if I'm understanding this right, it would be like my niece suggesting that her mom consider staying with my kid (her niece) in an available guest room.  I would assume it would then be up to my sibling to contact my kid directly and find out whether it works.

 

If the family is close, this sounds fine to me.  Of course I am assuming my kid has the chance to say, "I'm sorry, but that won't work that week because we are ____."  Or, "I'll give you a key, but we won't be able to hang out much that week because ____."

 

I'm a pretty busy person myself, but I've played host to many houseguests who are actual strangers to me when they first arrive.  It sounds worse than it is, usually.  :)

[SKL]

Curious if people would have the same negative reaction if I suggested that my kid spend a week at my sister's house.  :)  Actually we do that a lot.  So then if sometime in the coming decades it's suggested that my sister spend a week at my kid's house, why would that be so different?

[gardenmom5]

So if I'm understanding this right, it would be like my niece suggesting that her mom consider staying with my kid (her niece) in an available guest room.  I would assume it would then be up to my sibling to contact my kid directly and find out whether it works.

 

If the family is close, this sounds fine to me.  Of course I am assuming my kid has the chance to say, "I'm sorry, but that won't work that week because we are ____."  Or, "I'll give you a key, but we won't be able to hang out much that week because ____."

 

I'm a pretty busy person myself, but I've played host to many houseguests who are actual strangers to me when they first arrive.  It sounds worse than it is, usually.  :)

 

"that parent" can be a steam roller. cousin 2 . . . think jane Bennett. truly.   . .  might go so far as to *think about* giving a hint they leave, (or not come) but would never bring themselves to do it.

 

Curious if people would have the same negative reaction if I suggested that my kid spend a week at my sister's house.  :)  Actually we do that a lot.  So then if sometime in the coming decades it's suggested that my sister spend a week at my kid's house, why would that be so different?

 

this isn't the same.  a kid staying at the home of an established, mature adult who (presumably) is realistic about what does or does not work vs an overbearing adult who almost never stays in a hotel because said adult goes around asking everything they know (no matter how fleeting, and without compensation) if they can stay in their home during their travels.

 

and a "young" couple who are just starting to establish themselves - and have a very difficult time saying "no" to anyone.

 

if there was a clear cut "you can say no and we'll accept it" is very different when the adult in question doesn't have "no" in h__ vocabulary.  despite being an English major . . .

Edited January 6, 2017 by gardenmom5

[J-rap]

Unless they are all super close, more like close siblings, I think it's presumptuous and kind of rude.

 

I will say that my own cousins and I are very close, and I'm super close to his parents.  And my cousin and I live just 30 minutes apart and both of our families live much further away.  So in my particular case, I would love to host my aunt and uncle if we were the ones with the spare room.  But I think our situation might be unusual.

 

[zoobie]

Cousin 1 is presumptuous and rude to volunteer someone else's home for his guests, no matter who the guests are. Cousin 2 should have zero qualms about saying, "That won't work for us" without worrying about apologizing or making excuses. 

[wintermom]

Cousin 2 can just say no - actually how did cousin 2 even find out about this? Presumably someone said something to them. I'm guessing that cousin 2 is a big girl/boy who can speak for themself? It's pretty easy to say, "Sorry, this won't work for us. Bye."

Edited January 6, 2017 by wintermom

[SKL]

Cousin 2 can just say no - actually how did cousin 2 even find out about this? Presumably someone said something to them. I'm guessing that cousin 2 is a big girl/boy who can speak for themself? It's pretty easy to say, "Sorry, this won't work for us. Bye."

 

I agree.  Cousin 2 is an adult big enough to be married and own a 4br house.  Cousin 2 needs to hone his/her no-saying skills.  :)  Saying "no" is an important life skill and actually an adult responsibility.  The nice thing is that "no" gets easier to say with practice.  :)

[Carol in Cal.]

OK, I'm thinking about this further.

I have no aunts or uncles that I wouldn't be excited about this for.

My issue would be with my cousin committing me without talking to me first. I'd have a kneejerk impulse to say no just to prevent that from ever happening again, but I probably wouldn't do it because I would want my uncle/aunt to feel welcome, unless they are expecting to be entertained, and would be offended by me not being around.  I'd have a serious talk with my cousin about never doing this again, though.

[gardenmom5]

I was in cousin 1's parent's neighborhood (legitimately running an errand nearby)  and dropped by.  (both parents were home)  the "parent" joyfully told me about going down to see their child next month.  I asked where they were staying.  "parent" joyfully said they were staying with her friend.  parent has many friend there, and many people to see there - but the person "parent"  is most excited to see is the one with whom they're staying.

 

cousin 1 has added to the list of reasons to not consider cousin 1 credible or reliable,  among other things.

the thing is - cousin 2 sounded more stressed (and feeling obligated to comply) about the suggestion of having house guests for at least a week because of cousin 2's suggestions.

 

just glad it is having a positive and easy resolution.

[gardenmom5]

I agree.  Cousin 2 is an adult big enough to be married and own a 4br house.  Cousin 2 needs to hone his/her no-saying skills.  :)  Saying "no" is an important life skill and actually an adult responsibility.  The nice thing is that "no" gets easier to say with practice.  :)

 

I agree saying "no" is an important life skill.   cousin 2 and spouse are very much jane bennett and bingley, so amiable that it was going far to even. . . . talk of giving hints for them to leave . . .

[Janeway]

I don't think it sounds like first cousin committed second cousin but rather suggested that the visitors ask the second cousin.

[heartlikealion]

I don't see my cousins that much and just because two cousins live in the same area doesn't mean they communicate much or like each other. So without knowing anything besides the original post, it seems rather invasive?

 

The cousins live an hour away? I think that's too far to stay from the person you are visiting (assuming the main reason for the visit is for parents to see child).

 

I have very different reactions when certain aunts/uncles visit town.

 

Maybe cousin 1 can get a 2 bd apt. in the future.

[Rachel]

I don't know, I have several cousins in one metro area. I could see my dad saying he was planning to stay with my cousin x and cousin x saying, "hey, my apartment is tiny, why don't you call cousin y because they have a bigger house." Not so much that x was inviting someone to stay with y, but just suggesting an alternative plan. Cousin y can always say no.