Being "good" to people who aren't living great lives...

[bolt.]

As some of you may recall from my thread on a friend who was having an affair, I value treating people with kindness even when I don't approve of their actions.

 

In that situation, I ended up with drama in my lap, but it was manageable. People then mentioned that while there is value in being kind and not (openly) judgemental towards others when I "don't approve" -- there are also situations (like having an affair) in which reasonable people tend to curtail the kindness for the sake of good judgement.

 

I'm often unsure where to draw that line. Can you help me sort this:

 

I have a cousin "Tom" who has been a black sheep in vague ways for about a decade. I didn't know any details, and he was always included in general family-wide invites to various events.

 

"Tom" has been getting his life together and we've been talking a lot lately. I value and like him a lot more than I used to, but I also know a lot more than I used to about his problems. He was a drug addict for years, but has been clean (he says) for almost a year now. He loses jobs a lot. He has a girlfriend "Sue" -- who is a drug addict. She is-and-has-been struggling to quit lately. Tom doesn't want to be with Sue if she is using drugs, but he is yo-yo-ing in the relationship as she quits/re-starts her addiction. This info is very private, and I would not want others knowing that either of them are addicts. (Or past addicts -- is that a thing?)

 

Tom is invited (this year, as every year) to family Christmas events, including mine. I also extended the invite that he can bring Sue if things are good between them at the time.

 

Now I'm concerned that I'm inviting drug addicts over for Christmas at my home.

 

I've heard that it is wise never to trust an addict, that you are not really dealing with "them" but with their addiction, and that they "always" claim to be over their problem -- until they aren't over it again, and again, and again. (I hate that about addictions!) I don't want that to be the story for Tom (or peripherally for Sue, though we haven't met) but I know it might be. He seems so sincere!

 

I think having exposure to normal life, happy holidays with family, kindness, love and support -- doesn't that help?

 

Am I a fool for having anything to do with them?

 

Should I lock up my valuables?

 

Other thoughts?

Edited December 24, 2016 by bolt.

[maize]

Exposure to a happy family holiday will not help with the addiction because it is a disease of the brain, not a matter of lack of perspective and needing to just choose better.

 

I don't however think that you are unduly exposing yourself to trouble by inviting this person over one time in a group situation. If there are lots of small valuable things lying around that would be easy to pick up then maybe yes it would be wise to put them out of sight; drug habits are expensive.

[TranquilMind]

Yes, just as a precaution, lock your valuables up.

Drug addicts hang with other drug addicts.  He has admitted she still uses, so money to do this has to come from somewhere.

 

I'd be very wary about this and exceedingly watchful. 

[Joyofsixreboot]

I agree with Maize. An invitation with in the context of a family gathering where no one appears impaired would be fine with me BUT all my meds and valuables would be put away.

[Garga]

Have them over, lock up the valuables, if it's a heroin addiction, check for needles when they go.

 

My friend's SIL was a heroin addict. The SIL would randomly leave needles hidden under couch cushions and places like that. My friend had a small daughter, so the SIL wasn't allowed to visit.

Edited December 24, 2016 by Garga

[OneStepAtATime]

Hugs.  Agree with the others, it is kind of you to have them over and I do think being accepted into your home and treated with respect  and love may help on some level, not with the addiction but with sense of self to an extent.  

 

Absolutely, though, lock up any and all valuables and medications.  Your family member and his girlfriend have an illness that will affect judgement and impulse control.  Consider them as potentially operating in a similar way to a mobile baby/toddler.   Police your house from that mindset but looking for things that someone could easily pick up and sell.  And with meds sometimes they don't actually care what the medication is.  The impulse can be so strong and they may be under such a tight time line to grab that they just grab whatever is in reach.  Maybe they won't attempt to take anything at all, just like not all babies shovel small objects in their mouths the minute they see them.  Better to remove the temptation, though, for all of your sakes.

 

 

[zoobie]

An old friend has been clean for several years now, but she stole from family all the time when she was using.

 

Addiction is an illness. Exposing them to a happy family for a few hours won't change an addict. It is kind of you to care about your cousin. :grouphug:

[marbel]

 

 

I think having exposure to normal life, happy holidays with family, kindness, love and support -- doesn't that help?

 

In my experience, no.   I've known a few addicts, in my own family and among close personal friends.  They are always "over it"  or "getting over it" or "working on it."  I have never seen anyone overcome it.  I know people do, but the people I've known never did.   It is not a matter of will power or desire to be like the happy families they see or are a part of.

 

It's great to be nice to people and give people a chance.  Yes, as others have said, lock up the meds and anything that might be stolen.  Will there be alcohol there?  That may be a problem too.  

 

(Two mutual friends of mine are no longer speaking because the addict son of one friend broke into the home of the other friend to steal booze and pills.  So while nothing may be stolen at this party, be aware that if an addict sees the stuff and has reason to believe it will be there at a later time, they may make note of it to come back for it when needed.)

 

:grouphug: 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I have a policy of meeting up at a restaurant or somewhere public, with borderline people that I'm not sure I trust but do want to see, instead of inviting them into my home. If I weren't still raising children, I might have a different policy for home, but probably not.

 

It's not just the valuables or prescription meds that you need to lock up; it's knowledge of your children, your floor plan, your habits and whether you're a good mark for robbery or exploitation.

[Selkie]

I have addicts in my family and they steal at any opportunity. I would not let them in my house. Yes, that sounds harsh, but that is what experience has taught me.  :(

[gaillardia]

I would be so weirded out by having Sue there in the first place. It isn't just your valuables that need to be accounted for but also your guests' purses, handbags, backpacks, etc.

 

If they are actively using, it is likely they will not want to show up at all. Tom, trying to be sober, shouldn't be having a relationship with Sue at all, and he knows it. It can put his sobriety in jeopardy. 

Everyone assumes that a drug addict is a thief but I wouldn't assume that at all. However, I would still take precautions to protect my belongings. Exposure to normal life, in my opinion, is important. Don't treat them special, just normal.

A drug addict in recovery is a "recovering drug addict". One can not say he is no longer addicted. If the drug is used again, just once, it starts up the addiction process again.

Good luck and Merry Christmas.

[trulycrabby]

Lock up your keys, too. A friend's friend took her house keys and would go in her house and take things while she was gone-pills, booze, designer clothes, shoes, purses...

 

She did this for several months before the friend caught on and changed the locks.

[regentrude]

I think having exposure to normal life, happy holidays with family, kindness, love and support -- doesn't that help?

 

Does it help with diabetes, cancer or schizophrenia?

Addiction is illness. It cannot be cured by a cozy family dinner.

[Tanaqui]

Being shunned certainly doesn't help addiction (or schizophrenia, or diabetes, or cancer), so if you want to involve these people and you are at no risk - physically or emotionally! - from having them in your home then you should not exclude them. (But if you don't want to or if you genuinely judge that they are a risk, whether you want them or not, then you need to protect yourself and your immediate family first.)

 

But that doesn't mean taking stupid chances. You can be accepting and still cautious. Addictions are expensive, so yes, many addicts will fund themselves through petty theft. You should lock up small items (including keys and prescription medications) and put everybody's coats and bags in another room. Then make sure nobody goes into the coat room without being escorted. You don't have to be weird about it, just chatty.

 

In the future, though, since you are concerned, you might be wise to tell Tom that while you want to catch up and meet up with him, you would rather meet in a public place - especially if he is still involved with somebody who has an active addiction.

Edited December 24, 2016 by Tanaqui

[Guest]

No, not being isolated from families helps addiction __very__ much:

 

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/6506936

 

Yes it is a disease, but companionship and meaningful interactions can help very much.

 

Personally, my brain understands and embraces that, but I still keep far from my own drug addicts. It's not my mantle at this moment in time is all.

 

So, op, I vote you do what feels right as long as it also feels safe.

[Guest]

I'd also be straightforward about it.

 

"Let me know if you start feeling like you might relapse in any way while you're here, Tom, and I'll do my best to help you."

 

I've gone so far as to say out loud "don't steal from anyone today." Not because those are the magic words, but because my house is a place where we accept your past (until we don't) but we don't pussyfoot around it, either.

[Tanaqui]

Personally, my brain understands and embraces that, but I still keep far from my own drug addicts. It's not my mantle at this moment in time is all.

 

Of course not. Your first responsibility is to your own health. It's like on a plane - put your oxygen mask on first!

 

[Bluegoat]

Well, in previous years, when he was an addict and invited to family events, was there anything untoward that happened?

 

Really, this isn't new, only your knowledge of the situation.  THings are as tey always were.

 

To my mind, suddenly not inviting him now that you've become closer seems an od direction to take.

[FaithManor]

I have a policy of meeting up at a restaurant or somewhere public, with borderline people that I'm not sure I trust but do want to see, instead of inviting them into my home. If I weren't still raising children, I might have a different policy for home, but probably not.

 

It's not just the valuables or prescription meds that you need to lock up; it's knowledge of your children, your floor plan, your habits and whether you're a good mark for robbery or exploitation.

This. We used to meet annually with my aunt who is schizophrenic and an alcoholic. We met with her at a restaurant, gave her gift, try to have a pleasant time with her if possible, treat her to a great meal, and leave after two hours because that was all she could handle.

 

Never around the kids. Never in our home. She stole from everyone and when hallucinating was potentially dangerous. I would think the same could be true of a drug addict.

[bolt.]

There weren't any issues in the past, when (by current report) he may have been actively using drugs... I don't really feel unsafe, but I'm hoping I'm not naive about that.

 

I imagine Tom would want to watch over Sue, if he brings her, since he seems to value being on good terms with me.

 

Thanks for the tips on what to lock -- especially about other guests' property. I will be subtly supervising as well as keeping things in safe places.

 

Is it just per scripting meds? Is there a real danger involved in Tylenol-type meds?

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited December 29, 2016 by ..Kathy..

[Anne in CA]

Have your kids put away any electronics before they come over. I have something taken by an addict this summer so I'm cautious. I'd keep valuables put away and keep an eye on either if they go to the bathroom. But I'd still have them come. These sort of things keep them connected to the good part of life. Events like this remind them of what addicts are missing. They need them like lifeblood if they are going to change. My BIL (a heroin addict) was frustrated by constantly attending family events like this, but he chose them over the other life he had. An addict needs a vision. If they don't see another way, they keep going down the dark path. Have them come. Give them plenty of eggnog. If one of your kids loses a DS, but in two months one of them gets clean forever, it's a bigger deal.

[Lecka]

I will be locking up or hiding any prescription mere since my parents had mere stolen from them.

 

No idea who. No idea when exactly. Nobody at their house who could be suspected.

 

Yet pills went missing from my step-dad's bathroom (the master bathroom). It is easily accessible if company went down the hall to the bathroom, when they had company and others were in the kitchen or dining room or back porch, which is very common for them.

 

So my mom told me hide it or lock it up if we ever have it again. At least don't keep it in the bathroom.

 

And don't keep stuff not being used.

 

It was pretty depressing to be honest.

 

Also there is one person who would be a suspect, in general, but she had not been to my parents' for several months.

 

If she had, she would have been suspected. She went to rehab for prescription painkillers a few years ago and has been doing well, but would be the prime suspect.

 

But it wasn't her.

 

I threw away some leftover medicine (from my c-section and dental work for my husband) and then we haven't had anything since, so I don't know what I will do about it, but hide it I guess.

 

My husband has become very distrustful of prescription painkillers though and says he will not accept any and doesn't want me to either. Which.... I think goes too far but it hasn't come up for either of is in years thank goodness.

Edited December 25, 2016 by Lecka

[Scarlett]

My world is general pretty non controversial. But if I were inviting certain relatives to my house.....you can bet the few drugs we have would be locked up.

[Tanaqui]

Is it just prescription meds? Is there a real danger involved in Tylenol-type meds?

 

Well, Tylenol is definitely not something you want to OD on, but it won't get you a high. Regardless, I'd still lock it up, just so you don't have to worry "Did I leave anything I should have put away?"