Anyone had a spouse unemployed for several months?

[Cara4497]

How I can I be supportive?

 

How can we not all turn into giant grumps from being together all the time?

 

Thanks!

[Scarlett]

My dh has been unemployed since the first of July.  I am about to lose my mind.

 

:)

 

[Pegasus]

Hmmm. . .my spouse has not been employed for the last 21 years but it sounds like you are actually asking about when neither spouse is employed.

[Mom22ns]

So is the problem his unemployment or his being home? 

 

Dh is employed, but he has worked from home for over 20 years. We all spent all our time in the same house. Being respectful of each other spaces and need for quiet at various times was key. We loved having everyone here all those years.

[Scarlett]

In my case it is the unemployment.  The uncertainty of income.  We are paying the bills....he works a lot....but hasn't got a new 'real' job.  I don't mind him being home.  I just can't deal with the uncertainty around paying bills.  

[Cara4497]

So is the problem his unemployment or his being home? 

 

A little of both,  but mostly him being home. We do have a little income so finances aren't as big an issue as they could be. 

 

It wasn't so bad in the summer and fall when we spent a lot of time outdoors. But now that we are pretty much stuck inside, we are constantly getting on each others nerves.

 

I told him the other day that something has to change after the first of the year...one of us is getting a job or the kid is going to school.

 

I have health issues that make working difficult and have been out of the work force for over a decade. I could work a part time job that didn't require too much physically, but I don't think I could even handle a typical retail position at the moment. Also, I am waiting for some medical test results that could require intensive treatment if it is the worst case scenario. 

 

He has a job offer that was supposed to start months ago, but keeps getting put on hold due to governmental issues that are completely out of the control of him or the company. He applied for a seasonal job with UPS, but never heard back. This time of year there isn't really much other hiring going on anyway. 

 

We are basically just in a waiting game and it is driving us all batty. 

[purplejackmama]

Its very difficult. My husband was underemployed for 5 years during the housing collapse. I'm surprised our marriage survived, none of the ones around us did. It was some of the hardest times in our lives.

 

I think the biggest thing is to try to be supportive, as much as possible. It's very hard. Try to look for the best in the situation and your husband. Again, not easy. Vent your fears, frustrations, anxiety to a third party.

 

This one may sound strange, but accept help when offered. This was VERY hard for me, but I learned that pride denies you the gift of receiving a blessing and the giver from giving the blessing. So if someone wants to help you financially, let them.

[purplejackmama]

Ok, I posted after the OP followup and realize none of my words really apply. But I'll leave them up in case they give hope or encouragement to someone else.

 

We are in such a better place now than we were 3 years ago. So things can and do get better. You just have to try not to quit while you are waiting. Tough stuff.

[Anne in CA]

Can you find some sort of inexpensive project so that you're working together? Working together during stress is huge instead of working against each other you can be a team.

[ktgrok]

Can he do some volunteer work outside the house, to give you each some space and give hims something to do? My DH would drive me batty if he was home all the time..he needs work to do, paid or not or he's unbearable, lol. 

 

If not volunteer work, than a fee online class, or a project around the house, or?

 

Can you and the kids school at the library or something?

[heartlikealion]

Yes. I was not at my best. Part of the time dh was gone for x number of hours a week for an unpaid practicum, but much of the time we were both home. When the practicum ended he didn't have a job for a while and I started applying to various jobs because our rent went up and we were running out of savings. I landed a PT job that was misrepresented as a FT job. He wanted an overnight stocking job or something (there was nothing in his field at the time) that allowed us to both work and take turns watching ds, but was unable to find anything at that time.

 

While it's important to have goals and time tables, I'd be careful about how to phrase those so they aren't perceived as a stress-inducing ultimatum. I'm sure your spouse is aware that having you work is unlikely for the reasons you mentioned up thread, therefore "someone has to get a job after the first of the year" sounds a lot like, "you have to get a job after the first of the year." And I don't know what first of the year means. January? February? He may not know, either.

 

Other than that, I guess maybe spend some times in separate rooms doing independent activities?? Maybe pick an activity you both enjoy that you can look forward to? If you have Netflix or something, maybe an easy movie night?

 

If I could go back in time I maybe would have been kinder?

 

As for group projects, maybe something as simple as a jigsaw puzzle?

[cjzimmer1]

Having DH home wasn't the problem for us,  he has worked several jobs over the years at home and things were fine, it was the stress caused by the uncertainty of it all.  DH HATES busy work and let's face it reading job description after job description after job description and filing out the same information on hundreds of application would but him in the most awful mood.  So I learned what the buzz words in his industry and I did most of the initial job hunting for him.  Then I would show him things that would somewhat fit with what he told me and he could keep or discard as seemed appropriate.  But it saved him many hours a day of combing through sites and staring at stuff that just drove him nuts.  I'm a researcher by nature so I didn't mind doing that part at all.

 

We also made sure DH got out of the house every day.  When he worked at home he still got to talk to other people, because he was regularly on the phone.  When he wasn't working he didn't have any social interaction other than us and he needed more than I can provide.  So he'd go to the library, walk the mall, go help clean the church etc, just something to get him out of the house and allow him to interact with other people.

 

We also made sure to touch base frequently about all the little things.  Normally I would just go run to the store if I needed something but during this period we would talk before I left and when I got back.  Not that the errand was that important but he needed to have sense of control of things in his life and my suddenly leaving just stressed him out.  So we talked about every little detail even normal mundane stuff we would never discuss other wise.  This was especially important concerning anything involving money since I normally handle all of it and DH really has no idea what comes in or goes out in a month.  He needed to understand when things were completely dire and when things were just tight.  Yes it put more stress on him but it also allowed us to prioritize every single thing we spent money on and kept us in agreement rather than fighting because we were both so stressed.

[Melissa in Australia]

Dh was injured at work 18 years ago and is on a full disability pension. in the beginning it was really hard- We had very small children and he was very very ill. after a few years ( yes it really did take that long) we worked out where our personal space was and areas of the property where we could retreat to to do things when we needed a break form each others company.

[Rosie_0801]

My ex spent a lot of time out of the house when unemployed. I assume he was at the library working on job applications or something. That sort of thing takes all day. I used to spent hours trawling through the job seeking websites so at least he could spend his time applying for them instead of finding something to apply for.

[Crimson Wife]

He did contract work (paid less than he would've received from unemployment insurance but at least he has no gaps on his resume) and wrote a novel. The novel is under consideration at a major publishing house so there's a chance it could actually get picked up by them. But even if he winds up self-publishing it, the project helped keep him sane while searching for a new permanent position.

[Guest]

Projects and goals become so important when someone is stuck at home and doesn't want to be. It also lowers the spousal irritation factor ;)

[Laura Corin]

A little of both,  but mostly him being home. We do have a little income so finances aren't as big an issue as they could be. 

 

It wasn't so bad in the summer and fall when we spent a lot of time outdoors. But now that we are pretty much stuck inside, we are constantly getting on each others nerves.

 

 

Why can't you go out?  I understand if it's a blizzard, but if it's just darn cold then he can wrap up warm; being out in the light taking walks will improve moods.

 

Husband has had various periods of unemployment and is currently underemployed and around the house.  He keeps pretty busy and makes sure to get out in the light most days.

Edited December 19, 2016 by Laura Corin

[Carrie12345]

Not unemployed, but dh has been working most days from home.  It gets to be... a lot!  I can tell you what changes we're trying to make/I'd like to see.

 

General schedule.  Dh's job isn't a 9-5, so he might be working at 7am and playing with the kids at 1pm.  Or not.  This makes MY "schedule" unworkable.  We try to give each other a general idea of what our days will look like the night before or in the morning so we don't tread on each other.

 

Get out.  Most weeks, the kids and I are gone for a full day and a half day.  Dh will sometimes take his work to his firehouse for a day or half day.  Or he'll go run errands if he's got down time.  The library is a good place for job searching.  So is the local community college.  Dh often has lunch or dinner with former employers/employees keeping networking strong, so that's another possibility.

 

Get a project list going.  Put it on the schedule!

 

Consider an evaluation for depression.  I don't work, but I'm busy.  All day, and even on weekends.  There's always *something to do.  When I'm actually sitting around doing the bare minimum, it's because I'm struggling with depression and/or anxiety.  And that usually coincides with me not getting enough exercise or eating well. So,

 

Eat well and get exercise.

 

 

[Cinder]

I assume he was at the library working on job applications or something. That sort of thing takes all day.

 

Dh was unemployed for a time but then he found a training program the state paid for; so he did that. But that didn't translate into a decent job for him and he took what he could get; so he was underemployed for a time. The schedule was terrible and we realized that looking for a job *is* a full-time job. So he spent many hours at the library working on his resume and apps. For dh, just getting out of the house each day for a few hours really helped. And not just going to the library, but he'd make a point of going out walking and taking the dc to the park more.

 

:grouphug:  

[Lynnae]

Yep. For me the irritation came from not knowing what to expect. I'm a fairly routine kind of person, and DH being home disrupted my routine.

 

Once I figured out what my problem was, we sat down, and I explained to DH that I just needed to know what his plans were every day - when he was getting up (so I didn't plan on washing sheets in the early morning if he was going to sleep late), when he'd be on the computer, when he was going out.

 

Once we got our schedules straight, it wasn't so bad.

 

Now we're both underemployed at the same office, and we get to spend all day at the office together. That's working out much better than when we were both at home. :)