How to get past it?

[ksw3578]

I am in my second year of homeschooling and I feel like I am failing my kids. I know I am capable and I have all of the curriculum we need. It's more like I'm failing them with no energy, no motivation. 

 

I went pretty deep into depression this summer - I have abandonment issues and someone very important in my life moved away. I was able to pull out of the deepest part of it when I found my daughter lying in her bed crying. She's only 8, so she couldn't articulate why she was sad other than to say she missed me. It was like a punch in the gut. At that point, I looked into counseling. Due to other medical costs, we can't afford it. The money is not there.

 

I'm not crying all the time anymore. I still spend most of my time in my room watching TV because anything else is too much to deal with. My darling husband tries his best to pick up the slack around the house, but he doesn't know how to help. I am up every night monitoring the blood sugar of my child with Type 1 diabetes, getting barely 3 hours sleep most nights. This has been going on for months, I'm sure it's part of the problem. I can't expect my husband to do that because he has to be at work at 7:00. He's completely willing, and he has taken over on some nights when my body just gives up. I need him to be able to go to work and function - basically, I need him to feel better than I do.

 

I know putting the kids back in school would help, but there are reasons that's not the best thing for two of the three homeschooled kids. One has Type 1 diabetes (blood sugar was uncontrollable while at school), one has emotional issues from bullying while in public school (very sensitive, I worry about depression if sent back).

 

I feel so crappy because I have the best kids and husband a woman could ask for. I'm exhausted, emotionally worn out, and I can't see a way out of this hole I'm in. Maybe strangers on the internet can see something in this that I can't...

 

 

[ktgrok]

Can you get a nap each day? Maybe even two 1 hour naps? Schedule it into your day, if you have to be up during the night. Kids can watch documentaries or educational shows while you sleep. Honestly, I swear, other than math and reading, most kids would learn more watching PBS all day than doing most anything else. 

 

Are you on any meds for depression? A regular doctor can prescribe those. Do you have anywhere that has sliding scale counseling, or free counseling?

[ktgrok]

Also, can some of that time you are in your room watching TV be spent watching shows with the kids, snuggled together?

 

Honestly though, that little sleep would have me feeling the same way. 

[Selkie]

:grouphug:  I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.  

 

How many times each night does your child's sugar have to be checked?  Could you and your husband take turns?

 

I understand your concern about your husband having to get up early for work, but your job (schooling and caring for your kids) is just as important as his.  It's crucial that you find a way to get more rest, because nobody can function well on only three hours of sleep a night!

[momacacia]

I am so sorry. Big hugs from a mom with adrenal fatigue, and a parent with Type 1.

 

I have a dear mom friend with a child with Type 1 and many nights like yours. Idk if its a possibility for you, but she said that getting a Dexcom was a game changer for their nighttimes. I would be happy to put you in touch with her if you'd like to PM me. Sleep can make all the difference in the world to depression sometimes. Hugs.

[ksw3578]

So many helpful replies, thank you. I'll try to respond in one post.

 

Napping... I involuntarily nap every day :) Sitting still too long = falling asleep. My kids are old enough to do a bit of their work on their own. That's the only reason anything is getting done right now. We are falling behind in math because they need me to do it with them. The suggestion to exercise might be helpful for me and the kids, it's something we can do together that doesn't involve me laying in bed.

 

I don't even have a GP because I haven't been to a regular doctor in many years. The last time I saw a doctor was a couple years ago in the ER, for an ulcer.

 

My T1D child is very unpredictable with blood sugar numbers, especially at night. They are also hypo unaware at night, meaning they can drop really fast and not feel it. We just had a hospital stay last month because of a dangerous low. They are on a Dexcom continuous glucose monitor (CGM), so I watch TV while keeping an eye on the CGM numbers at night. Around 4:00 am, the numbers stabilize and I can go to sleep. It hasn't always been this way - I suspect we are at the beginning of hormones that will wreak havoc on blood sugar for the next several years. Diabetes sucks...

 

I know I mother my husband, I have done it for 17 years. He's the whatever-you-want-dear kind of husband. Letting go and giving him some of the nights... I think my blood pressure just went up a bit just thinking about it. I'll give it a try Saturday night, see how we all survive.

[happi duck]

(hugs)

[DesertBlossom]

I am so sorry. Big hugs from a mom with adrenal fatigue, and a parent with Type 1.

 

I have a dear mom friend with a child with Type 1 and many nights like yours. Idk if its a possibility for you, but she said that getting a Dexcom was a game changer for their nighttimes. I would be happy to put you in touch with her if you'd like to PM me. Sleep can make all the difference in the world to depression sometimes. Hugs.

This. Dd's dexcom has changed my life. They are expensive OOP, but if you have insurance you should be able to get your endo to show that blood sugar is unstable at night and you need a dexcom. Instead of setting alarms for myself at night I put the Dex receiver on my nightstand and it wakes me up. It's been remarkably accurate and I sleep better.

 

Eta: Just saw that you already have a Dex. I am so sorry that things are so hard at night. Diabetes sucks.

Edited November 3, 2016 by DesertBlossom

[ktgrok]

So many helpful replies, thank you. I'll try to respond in one post.

 

Napping... I involuntarily nap every day :) Sitting still too long = falling asleep. My kids are old enough to do a bit of their work on their own. That's the only reason anything is getting done right now. We are falling behind in math because they need me to do it with them. The suggestion to exercise might be helpful for me and the kids, it's something we can do together that doesn't involve me laying in bed.

 

I don't even have a GP because I haven't been to a regular doctor in many years. The last time I saw a doctor was a couple years ago in the ER, for an ulcer.

 

My T1D child is very unpredictable with blood sugar numbers, especially at night. They are also hypo unaware at night, meaning they can drop really fast and not feel it. We just had a hospital stay last month because of a dangerous low. They are on a Dexcom continuous glucose monitor (CGM), so I watch TV while keeping an eye on the CGM numbers at night. Around 4:00 am, the numbers stabilize and I can go to sleep. It hasn't always been this way - I suspect we are at the beginning of hormones that will wreak havoc on blood sugar for the next several years. Diabetes sucks...

 

I know I mother my husband, I have done it for 17 years. He's the whatever-you-want-dear kind of husband. Letting go and giving him some of the nights... I think my blood pressure just went up a bit just thinking about it. I'll give it a try Saturday night, see how we all survive.

 

 

Ok, so instead of falling asleep randomly and feeling out of control about it, can you plan it into your day? If your kids know when you will nap, and for how long, that may help them feel less abandoned as well,a nd more in control of their own worlds. So, mom naps from 10am-noon every day, and the kids do independent work then. then you get up, everyone has lunch together, then you do math together. 

 

Alternately, is there a way for you to sleep in later, and husband deal with morning routine, then kids do their own thing until you get up? If you could sleep until 10am, that gives you 6 hours which is a lot better. 

SaveSave

[mom2samlibby]

I'd start with finding yourself a doctor.  Before I'd have them prescribe something for depression, I'd have them do bloodwork on you.  I'd want B vitamin levels tested, D levels tested, iron, and folate, along with a work up on your thyroid.  Vitamins B12 and D can have a big impact on your mental health.  They also help with energy.  If your thyroid level is off that impacts all of it too.  

 

I'd consider having your husband do Friday night, so you can get some sleep.  

 

 

 

[MiMi 4under3]

:grouphug:   

 

Been there, done that, with regard to staying up all hours of the night to check dd's glucose levels. One night the Dexcom read 117, in reality it was 42 when I pricked her finger! I get it. 

 

I didn't do much school beyond the basics the year she was diagnosed mostly because of lack of energy from sleeping only a few hours per night. Needless to say, housework suffered and we missed many field trips and activities. I weaned myself from this nightly vigilance by giving dd a small snack before bed (without insulin) and setting my alarm for 2 or 3 hours later to prick her finger (as you know the Dexcom doesn't pick up lows in kids). Her levels ran a bit high till I figured things out, but I needed to sleep! 

 

Are you familiar with the Dawn Phenomenon? It might explain why your dd's levels stabilize at 4am. If she's on a pump, can you pull back on background insulin from her bedtime till 4am? That way you could sleep till at least 4, check, then go back to sleep? If she's on Lantus you could divide it into 2, 12-hour doses, with the lower dose being at night to decrease the chance of nighttime lows?

 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  

 

 

 

[ksw3578]

:grouphug:   

 

Been there, done that, with regard to staying up all hours of the night to check dd's glucose levels. One night the Dexcom read 117, in reality it was 42 when I pricked her finger! I get it. 

 

I didn't do much school beyond the basics the year she was diagnosed mostly because of lack of energy from sleeping only a few hours per night. Needless to say, housework suffered and we missed many field trips and activities. I weaned myself from this nightly vigilance by giving dd a small snack before bed (without insulin) and setting my alarm for 2 or 3 hours later to prick her finger (as you know the Dexcom doesn't pick up lows in kids). Her levels ran a bit high till I figured things out, but I needed to sleep! 

 

Are you familiar with the Dawn Phenomenon? It might explain why your dd's levels stabilize at 4am. If she's on a pump, can you pull back on background insulin from her bedtime till 4am? That way you could sleep till at least 4, check, then go back to sleep? If she's on Lantus you could divide it into 2, 12-hour doses, with the lower dose being at night to decrease the chance of nighttime lows?

 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  

 

Dawn phenomenon... Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't. We have to make daily changes to her pump settings because she's all over the place. Last night it didn't happen and the pump was set for it. If I wasn't awake to watch her numbers, the basal increase at 3:00 would have caused her to drop quickly. If I lower the basal settings and dawn phenomenon happens tonight, she'll be above 300 around 5:00. There's no consistency and no good answer.

 

Sometimes I wish we could go back to no pump and no CGM. We did 2 years without the technology. It didn't catch that quick drop last month and she ended up in the hospital with neurological issues, even after the low was treated. 

[Garga]

If you're honestly getting only 3 hours of sleep a night, and perhaps dropping off here and there in the day, then sleep deprivation is most likely the source of your problems.

 

I have a close friend who is a nurse practitioner and she says it's pretty startling how many people come to her for depression and 80% of them get tiny bits of sleep and don't get any exercise.  She will prescribe meds, but she doesn't feel right doing so.  She also tells them that if they get sleep and exercise, the depression has a seriously good chance of going away.  (Unless it's a chicken/egg thing where they can't sleep because of the depression.  But the first step to a proper diagnosis is to have the patient try more sleep.  Oftentimes, the problem is solved.)

 

So...before meds and doctors, sleep from 4 a.m. until 11 or 12 a.m.  Many 12 year olds babysit, so your oldest is old enough to be alone and responsible for other kids, unless there's some sort of problems and the kids can't be alone---though they're alone while you're in your room all day, so I'm guessing they're ok to be alone.

 

They could watch something educational and read some books or play quietly during that time.  They can make their own breakfasts:  eggs, sausages in the microwave, cereal, etc.

 

Really, that's your first step.  That's the first thing that a decent doctor will tell you: sleep.

 

And when that's down, then get some sort of exercise.  But I'd start with a serious effort to sleep more than 3 hours a night.  That's just torture.  Literally.  It's a form of literal torture to deny people sleep.  I can link you a dozens of articles about the terrible side effects of lack of sleep.  Depression, weight gain, stroke, feelings of paranoia, heightened risk of Alzheimers, sallow skin, short-temperedness, and lots more.

[ksw3578]

To reply to others... I have wondered about hormone/vitamin levels. I know I should see a doctor, I really do. We have two kids with high medical costs and a third who needs physical therapy for a foot problem. If we have to pick and choose where to spend money on health issues, my husband and I end up not wanting to spend money on ourselves.

 

I asked my husband about switching to a little bit later schedule. If he is home to get my fourth child off to school, then I could sleep in. It might be January before that happens, but it might be possible. I'm not sure why I didn't think about that before!

 

Thanks, ladies! I'm appreciating the help. 

[ktgrok]

Yes, what Garga said. The sleep is the first thing to deal with. be that sleeping in (ideal) or a nap, that has to happen first. You may very well not have any depression issues, just sleep deprivation. 

[ktgrok]

 

I asked my husband about switching to a little bit later schedule. If he is home to get my fourth child off to school, then I could sleep in. It might be January before that happens, but it might be possible. I'm not sure why I didn't think about that before!

 

Thanks, ladies! I'm appreciating the help. 

 

Because you are too tired to think of it!

[ktgrok]

Another idea, could you go to bed very early, say 6pm, and your husband monitor your child's glucose until say, 10pm, then you wake up and he sleeps? 

[ksw3578]

If you're honestly getting only 3 hours of sleep a night, and perhaps dropping off here and there in the day, then sleep deprivation is most likely the source of your problems.

 

I have a close friend who is a nurse practitioner and she says it's pretty startling how many people come to her for depression and 80% of them get tiny bits of sleep and don't get any exercise.  She will prescribe meds, but she doesn't feel right doing so.  She also tells them that if they get sleep and exercise, the depression has a seriously good chance of going away.  (Unless it's a chicken/egg thing where they can't sleep because of the depression.  But the first step to a proper diagnosis is to have the patient try more sleep.  Oftentimes, the problem is solved.)

 

So...before meds and doctors, sleep from 4 a.m. until 11 or 12 a.m.  Many 12 year olds babysit, so your oldest is old enough to be alone and responsible for other kids, unless there's some sort of problems and the kids can't be alone---though they're alone while you're in your room all day, so I'm guessing they're ok to be alone.

 

They could watch something educational and read some books or play quietly during that time.  They can make their own breakfasts:  eggs, sausages in the microwave, cereal, etc.

 

Really, that's your first step.  That's the first thing that a decent doctor will tell you: sleep.

 

And when that's down, then get some sort of exercise.  But I'd start with a serious effort to sleep more than 3 hours a night.  That's just torture.  Literally.  It's a form of literal torture to deny people sleep.  I can link you a dozens of articles about the terrible side effects of lack of sleep.  Depression, weight gain, stroke, feelings of paranoia, heightened risk of Alzheimers, sallow skin, short-temperedness, and lots more.

 

Depression, check. Weight gain, check. Short-temperedness, check. I'm really hoping the sallow skin thing isn't happening, but maybe. Sleep is good. Lots of good information, thank you. I avoid those articles that talk about what sleep deprivation does to a body. It sucks knowing what I'm doing to myself!

[TravelingChris]

Sleep deprivation is awful.  I have had major problems because of two bouts of sleep deprivation (caused by things like having bad breathing so needing to use nebulizers and the medication doesn't allow me to sleep).  Your mind goes bad with lack of sleep.  You need to figure out how to get some more.  I know about not sleeping because of caring for a child (not infant).  I have had to do it at times when youngest dd has had a bad allergic reaction with me needing to check if she is breathing okay still.  But that was just one night.  SO I agree with others to figure out a way to sleep longer in the morning or what Katie suggested of early evening sleeping.  I don't think that sleep three hours here, four hours there is the best way of sleeping for health but it is probably the only thing you can do now.  I am putting you on my prayer list.

[LucyStoner]

Is there another option besides FT school and just at-home homeschooling? Some classes or a co-op or a homeschool group or something to get the kids some time out of the house while you get some downtime?

[MiMi 4under3]

Dawn phenomenon... Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't. We have to make daily changes to her pump settings because she's all over the place. Last night it didn't happen and the pump was set for it. If I wasn't awake to watch her numbers, the basal increase at 3:00 would have caused her to drop quickly. If I lower the basal settings and dawn phenomenon happens tonight, she'll be above 300 around 5:00. There's no consistency and no good answer.

 

Sometimes I wish we could go back to no pump and no CGM. We did 2 years without the technology. It didn't catch that quick drop last month and she ended up in the hospital with neurological issues, even after the low was treated. 

 

Can you go about it in reverse? Could you not set a basal increase for 3am? That way you could sleep until 4 or 5, check her levels and treat for a high if necessary. She wouldn't be high every morning, and then only for an hour or so. You're right, not a good answer... 

 

But you sleeping from 10-4 (6 hours!) would be twice what you're getting now. And you could go back to bed for more since that's the time you normally sleep now.

[Garga]

I wrote about sleeping earlier, but I've come back to speak to the feelings of abandonment you mentioned.  I have cried for years over being left.  Not every day, but certainly every few weeks, I'd cry.  . 

 

When I am well-rested I don't fall into the deep, deep feelings of sadness and despair over my loss.  When I am well-rested I have a sense of loss, but not loss and longing and misery.  It's more of a mild sadness that is farther in the background than of intense anguish filling my thoughts.  When I am not rested, I can find myself hiding in my room and crying so the kids can't see me.  I can judge whether or not I need more sleep by how sad and abandoned I am feeling.

 

It might not be the only answer for you, but I am a pretty firm believer that the first step in sadness is getting enough sleep to rule out sleep-deprivation.  If sleeping doesn't help, then one moves on to another step.

 

Note:  It can take a number of weeks to catch up on enough sleep. So once you have a plan in place to get some more sleep, keep at it for a couple of months before giving up.

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

[eternalsummer]

I know how you feel.  The science says that for mild or moderate depression, exercise is as effective as therapy or meds.  The trouble (for me) is that it is hard to motivate myself to exercise.  The only thing that has worked for me is to create a situation where I absolutely must exercise - we gave away our van last October (insane I know), so we had to walk for 6 months until we bought a new car.  That worked some.  What worked better was drinking high quality cod liver oil (vitamin D).

 

The sleep deprivation would do me in, though.  I don't know how to help you with that.  I think it is probably the most important thing to fix, though.

[Ausmumof3]

I think you need to be able to get more sleep somehow because that could literally be causing everything else. If you can get a few solid hours sleep a night and you still have depression then check back for other options.

 

I have heard of people who have dogs that detect blood sugar issues. I have no idea about diabetes at all so please forgive me if its hokey or they can't help with the issues your child has or they are way out of the usual budget but could something like that help? Or could you afford someone to come in once a week to let you get a good night sleep?

 

Hugs, that sounds like such a difficult situation.

 

Separately in the meantime can you get the kids into some online options for schooling so that they are getting something each day even if it's not ideal. I'm not thinking a full k12 deal or anything just something for math and la.

[DawnM]

What times do you need to monitor the blood sugar levels?  Is it really every few hours?

 

How do you get only 3 hours total of sleep per night.  Can't you go to bed at 10, get up at whatever time you need to check it, and go back to bed?

 

I agree with several of the suggestions mentioned:

 

Find a way to get at least 6 hours of sleep per night

Add exercise in to your routine (it is a cycle of tired, can't exercise, tired, but exercise may very well HELP you sleep better)

Take a good vitamin

Get some sunshine daily

See a doctor about possibly getting some anti-depression meds

look at Time4Learning or other online schooling options

 

Is counseling/therapy not covered by your insurance at all?  For us, the one I was seeing is not covered under my new plan.  I hate having to change, but I also can't afford the out of pocket costs.

 

If you can't find a therapist, or one isn't covered, do you have friends, a good support system, family, someone to talk to?

[magnificent_baby]

Can you check and see if your state has an option for online school? Mine contracts with K12; they are technically a public school student but do all the work at home with a supervising public school teacher. 

 

Do you belong to a local homeschool group to discuss options for your area?

 

I would also schedule a regular nap time for yourself. 

 

:grouphug: