Is correcting your kids in public horrible or is it just .....parenting?

[mamiof5]

It really depends. Some stuff needs to be dealt with right away, other can wait. I try to make the proper call, and I'm sure I have failed many times... but I keep trying.

 

I do try to address the situation respectfully, in public or private, the goal is not to embarrass my child if I can avoid it.

[8circles]

OK. Say your 7 year old is swinging on a chandelier and yodeling during the a field trip or coop class....... do you

1. Tell him "Please lower the volume and come down"

2. Very quietly indicated he should come down for a private word, and then do you quietly ask him to be less disruptive?

3. Ignore it, but talk at home later that day about appropriate behavior?

4. Ignore it entirely ---- he will outgrow it

5. Cheer him on

 

I personally fall into category 2 *if* I can get the kid to cooperate by coming down. 

If that doesn't work, #1 is employed with a threat to leave immediately .

 

The question I am addressing here is to parents who have a style 3 or 4.  Completely ignore it, maybe possibly talk about home later about it.  Not for 3 minutes, but 30 minutes..... not at one event, but regularly.

 

For those whose kids would never be too loud or out of bounds in public: that must be nice.

 

Most of my kids would repond to #2, but one I'd have to immediately go to #1.  Actually, the others each went through a phase where I'd have to go straight to #2.  

 

I've not witnessed much of #3 and have never witnessed #4 or #5.  IME there'd need to be a 0 and -1 to cover all the options.

[tm919]

OK. Say your 7 year old is swinging on a chandelier and yodeling during the a field trip or coop class....... do you

1. Tell him "Please lower the volume and come down"

2. Very quietly indicated he should come down for a private word, and then do you quietly ask him to be less disruptive?

3. Ignore it, but talk at home later that day about appropriate behavior?

4. Ignore it entirely ---- he will outgrow it

5. Cheer him on

 

I personally fall into category 2 *if* I can get the kid to cooperate by coming down. 

If that doesn't work, #1 is employed with a threat to leave immediately .

 

The question I am addressing here is to parents who have a style 3 or 4.  Completely ignore it, maybe possibly talk about home later about it.  Not for 3 minutes, but 30 minutes..... not at one event, but regularly.

 

For those whose kids would never be too loud or out of bounds in public: that must be nice.

I go to 2, then 1 if 2 fails. I usually do the talk later on as well (3) because sometimes my kids need help unpacking why you don't do things.

 

I will say that when my kids are being badly behaved in general, I start to go to 1 more and more quickly throughout the day... but that's a problem with my patience, not a parenting strategy.

[poppy]

Most of my kids would repond to #2, but one I'd have to immediately go to #1.  Actually, the others each went through a phase where I'd have to go straight to #2.  

 

I've not witnessed much of #3 and have never witnessed #4 or #5.  IME there'd need to be a 0 and -1 to cover all the options.

 

Definitely agree.  All of the options on the list were basically OK with me, to varying degrees. 

None of the options reflected: 

"parent yells at child and it works short term but it is hurtful and ugly"

"parent yells at child completely ineffectively, so it's just more loudness and chaos"

"parent yells at the kid to look good to other parents"

I hate all those. I've also done all of them.  Not  proud of that, but, it's the truth.

[8circles]

Definitely agree.  All of the options on the list were basically OK with me, to varying degrees. 

None of the options reflected: 

"parent yells at child and it works short term but it is hurtful and ugly"

"parent yells at child completely ineffectively, so it's just more loudness and chaos"

"parent yells at the kid to look good to other parents"

I hate all those. I've also done all of them.  Not  proud of that, but, it's the truth.

 

Oh, I have as well.  It's how I was parented and I didn't know better as a new mom.  It took me longer than I'd like to admit to learn a better way.

[Guest]

I'm a fairly loud corrector with the younger kids, it's just my style to be frank and vociferous - but older children can be corrected more subtly, I think. If it's beyond 'knock it off!' territory or veering into meanness then I take them aside and correct them privately. Just a little bickering our rowdiness I handle in front of everyone, because I'm a lazy mama ;)

[Murphy101]

Okay. I guess I'm crazy parent.

 

If my 7 yr old was hanging from a chandelier and yodeling at a field trip, a coop or whatever. Or some such similiar insanity inspired behavior.

 

I'd think the kid had either lost their fracking mind or as Shrek said, they were going the right way for a smacked bottom.

 

Either way ...

 

I'd promptly and probably in an incredulously induced higher volume tell them to get down pronto and take them home.

 

If they were humiliated by that, well too dadblum bad.

 

How I handled it from home, no idea. I supposed I'd wing it and it'd be no one else's business.

[heartlikealion]

Certain things we'll discuss in private, other things may need to be addressed sooner. I have no problem calling my kid out for stuff like waving around a big stick. I've done as much with kids outside that he tried to join (their parents were no where around and I wasn't mean about it. I think I said, "hey let's put down the big stick and use something else..." lol). Finally I just pulled ds away from the group because I didn't want to deal with their idea of play.

 

What gets me is that I am way more "uptight" than other parents about how to use public spaces sometimes and it's hard to correct behavior when the other parents see no problem. Like, a drinking fountain is for drinking. But then everyone is playing in the drinking fountain. Super awkward to tell my kid not to join in when no one else sees a problem. Maybe it's not a "problem" but I'm just not as comfortable with things like that.

 

This is not a homeschool specific issue to me. It's just society. I've pretty much accepted myself as an odd duck or helicopter parent because I run into these differences all the time. What, your kid is 5 years older than all the other kids in the bounce house and you don't see a problem with that? Ugh.

[LucyStoner]

I provide guidance, structure and supervision when we are out to the degree their age, mood and the setting requires it. When my kids do something they should not I will do anything from shoot them a look to a friendly reminder to a quiet private discussion to redirecting them to something else to leaving. I don't yell at my kids in public and frankly I try not to yell at them in private either. And if anyone spanked their child in public here, I think all hell would break loose at a homeschooling gathering. We don't practice corporal punishment.

 

That said, I don't micromanage my kids or tolerate others attempting to do so. For instance, my rule about sticks and fake stickfighting is that you don't hold up sticks on the playground (stay on the grass and well away from others), you don't pick up a dangerously large stick and you only pretend stick-fight with kids who are holding their own stick, who want to play and whose parents allow it. Also, only if it is allowed at the place we are. If a parent who doesn't allow stick-fighting wants my sons and their friends to put down sticks when they are far from other kids at a public park or where it is otherwise allowed, I'm gonna shoo them off. Also I am going to assume they are first time moms with small children who don't understand older kids. Another example would be parents who try to coax my sons to get up and play when they would rather sit under a tree with a book. Um, yeah nope. Not your circus lady, not your monkeys.

Edited August 17, 2016 by LucyStoner

[8circles]

I provide guidance, structure and supervision when we are out to the degree their age, mood and the setting requires it. When my kids do something they should not I will do anything from shoot them a look to a friendly reminder to a quiet private discussion to redirecting them to something else to leaving. I don't yell at my kids in public and frankly I try not to yell at them in private either. And if anyone spanked their child in public here, I think all hell would break loose at a homeschooling gathering. We don't practice corporal punishment.

 

Yeah, I regret not saying something at the time.  It wasn't at an official event, it was at a friend's pool.  This friend welcomes people to come and use her pool even when she isn't home and we just happened to be there with this other family.  

 

If it happened today I'm pretty sure I would be brave enough to say something.

[LucyStoner]

Yeah, I regret not saying something at the time. It wasn't at an official event, it was at a friend's pool. This friend welcomes people to come and use her pool even when she isn't home and we just happened to be there with this other family.

 

If it happened today I'm pretty sure I would be brave enough to say something.

You are braver than me. I'm not sure if I would say anything or not because people are rarely receptive to comments on their parenting. It would depend on what I saw or if there was a way to offer someone who was overwhelmed help. But I know my peeps well enough to know that someone would lose their sh!t. This is Seattle after all and it would be culture shock for the main demographic in the mix of the local homeschooling community. One reason I go to that group and not one a bit north of where I live is because seeing parents ride their kids for tiny things is uncomfortable for myself and my boys.

 

It just dawned on me that while I might not say something my older son would get indignant and snap at the parent. Oy. Once he piped up when a relative was screaming at their child that he didn't see how anyone would be more likely to listen just because they are screaming. At age 5 he told his uncle to stop smacking his cousin's hand. "She's a baby. Don't hit babies!"

[Ausmumof3]

OK. Say your 7 year old is swinging on a chandelier and yodeling during the a field trip or coop class....... do you

1. Tell him "Please lower the volume and come down"

2. Very quietly indicated he should come down for a private word, and then do you quietly ask him to be less disruptive?

3. Ignore it, but talk at home later that day about appropriate behavior?

4. Ignore it entirely ---- he will outgrow it

5. Cheer him on

 

I personally fall into category 2 *if* I can get the kid to cooperate by coming down.

If that doesn't work, #1 is employed with a threat to leave immediately .

 

The question I am addressing here is to parents who have a style 3 or 4. Completely ignore it, maybe possibly talk about home later about it. Not for 3 minutes, but 30 minutes..... not at one event, but regularly.

 

For those whose kids would never be too loud or out of bounds in public: that must be nice.

I'd be a number one parent for sure in that case. I'm big on respect and safety and swinging on someone else's chandelier is majorly disrespectful and also very unsafe. Yodelling would bother me less and would result in a number two approach of it was making it unpleasant for other people

[8circles]

Wait - are we talking about real, actual chandeliers being swung on?!?!?  I thought that was hyperbole.

 

I'm not sure I've ever seen a chandelier that was within reach of children so.... that would really be something.  I might be a 0 parent if the chandelier is actually real.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I was in a group like that and it got so bad we had to leave.  Really nice people but 30-40 kids in PreK-5th grade running around doing whatever they wanted was more than I could handle.  I don't think the parents ever reprimanded the kids though, even in private.  We're pretty easy going, especially the older they get but there are boundaries that need to be enforced.

 

In your chandelier example I'm 0 maybe -1. But my kids know how to behave, they know what is expected of them.  They have a lot of freedoms that many kids don't so stepping outside the boundaries set is a big deal for us. 

Edited August 17, 2016 by foxbridgeacademy

[heartlikealion]

Yeah, I regret not saying something at the time.  It wasn't at an official event, it was at a friend's pool.  This friend welcomes people to come and use her pool even when she isn't home and we just happened to be there with this other family.  

 

If it happened today I'm pretty sure I would be brave enough to say something.

 

What can you do? I mean, I don't know if I could say anything myself because it's so common place. Schools here still offer corporal punishment.

 

I saw a girl get spanked in my church parking lot a few weeks ago. I don't know if her parents knew I saw. We were one of the last to leave the parking lot and I knew the girl from VBS. I felt icky seeing that but spanking has happened here before, too, in the house. Let's just say I've been guilty of it myself, but try to find other ways to deal with things. In fact, one of the books I recently got is about disciplining without any form of punishment. Unfortunately I cannot get dh on the same page. It has a lot to do with upbringing. Chances are the person you see spanking is going to say they were spanked and "turned out fine" or are around people who will chide them for not spanking their kids. 

 

I just watched a video today about how we do a lot of things to people please. We're correcting our kids in public making note that so and so is watching. We don't want so and so to think we let our kids walk all over us or blah blah blah.

[heartlikealion]

For that example... what does a zero mean? lol

 

Straight up I'd probably holler, "ds, get down!" and then talk to him face to face. Yeah, yelling isn't how you solve problems, but I don't know if I could hold back in that example. It's not just yelling out of anger. It's yelling out of urgency. They could fall. Not really sure how one would get down without falling, but I'm thinking there may be some tall structure nearby in this example.

[8circles]

For that example... what does a zero mean? lol

 

Straight up I'd probably holler, "ds, get down!" and then talk to him face to face. Yeah, yelling isn't how you solve problems, but I don't know if I could hold back in that example. It's not just yelling out of anger. It's yelling out of urgency. They could fall. Not really sure how one would get down without falling, but I'm thinking there may be some tall structure nearby in this example.

Yeah, I know. If we're talking about actually literally swinging from a chandelier then this is a different conversation altogether.

[fairfarmhand]

OK. Say your 7 year old is swinging on a chandelier and yodeling during the a field trip or coop class....... do you

1. Tell him "Please lower the volume and come down"

2. Very quietly indicated he should come down for a private word, and then do you quietly ask him to be less disruptive?

3. Ignore it, but talk at home later that day about appropriate behavior?

4. Ignore it entirely ---- he will outgrow it

5. Cheer him on

 

I personally fall into category 2 *if* I can get the kid to cooperate by coming down. 

If that doesn't work, #1 is employed with a threat to leave immediately .

 

The question I am addressing here is to parents who have a style 3 or 4.  Completely ignore it, maybe possibly talk about home later about it.  Not for 3 minutes, but 30 minutes..... not at one event, but regularly.

 

For those whose kids would never be too loud or out of bounds in public: that must be nice.

 

Honestly, I am a #1.

 

Not in a hateful way, more of a "Have you lost your ever lovin' mind? Get down from there!"

 

accompanied by a baffled look and half grin.

 

All of my kids would give me a sheepish look and come down. We'd move off to a semi private area and talk about appropriate behavior in field trips where I would be quietly stern.

 

Nobody would be humiliated (except for me because my kids were so ridiculous) and none of the other families would be uncomfortable because of harsh discipline. (except for maybe the Michelle Duggar type who always speak to their kids in a saccharine tone)

[Murphy101]

For that example... what does a zero mean? lol

 

Straight up I'd probably holler, "ds, get down!" and then talk to him face to face. Yeah, yelling isn't how you solve problems, but I don't know if I could hold back in that example. It's not just yelling out of anger. It's yelling out of urgency. They could fall. Not really sure how one would get down without falling, but I'm thinking there may be some tall structure nearby in this example.

Well thank goodness.

 

I know it was hyperbole, but I was presuming the point was something outrageous and obviously clearly not okay. And I'd probably be a zero too.

 

But I don't think hollering at kids once in a while or even the ocassional spanking is a big deal or trauma inducing awful parenting either.

[6packofun]

I have tried really hard to correct gently and only if the behavior needs to be addressed right then (usually if it's affecting others, disruptive, mean or rude, etc. But even then there is a spectrum, ya know?).  My parents had no problem correcting anything and everything I did no matter the time or place.  It went overboard on occasion and I hated it.  So I'm trying to be sensitive to my little people.  They're not so little anymore, of course.  

 

I think that it's important to make our correction in the context of being a good neighbor and being part of a community, which is why I tend to focus on stuff that affects others and otherwise wait til later or take them aside as often as possible for other stuff.  For our kids to learn that our behavior rarely occurs in a vacuum and that we should be thinking of others before ourselves is kind of at the heart of what we try to teach them.

[SKL]

Oh, I blab blab blabbed at my kids in public when they were little.  Usually not in a crabby voice, just guiding, guiding.  I figured it was just a normal part of being around small children.  You can still hear me reminding my kids, "watch where you're going, there's a lot of traffic here, pay attention, there is someone behind you ...."

 

Since we are in confession mode, there have been times when my kids got the best of me in public.  Sometimes, when very stressed out, public embarrassment has made me more harsh with my kids than the situation called for.  I don't want my kids to annoy other people.  Yes, I feel like it's a personal failure when they do - especially after a certain age.  Let's face it, they should know better.  But, usually I exhibit some self control and handle it quietly.  :)

 

Being a parent is a wonderful thing.  It makes me so much more understanding and supportive of other parents.  :)

 

Oh, I was going to add that when I was my kids' age, my mom actually spanked me in front of her friend.  I was not taking her instruction seriously (I was supposed to be loading or unloading the dishwasher).  Granted, I should have known better, but I am not sure it was necessary to humiliate me.  In her defense, she probably did not realize how much it would affect me.  I guess I was at that in-between age.  But the memory is still there, which is why I don't want to do that to my kids, though they do push me to the limit at times.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I was one of the people who said I'd discuss it with my child later. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't point it out to them in the moment and direct them to apologize, and I do correct my kids in public when correction is needed. But I don't yell at them, and I don't belabor the issue when I can see that they already know what they've done wrong and feel badly about it. What's the point in that? 

 

Like SKL said, I used to constantly correct my kids to watch where they're going, look out for so and so, pay attention, speak quietly, watch how you treat that person, etc. Now that they're older, I have one kid with anxiety and who's afraid to speak up for herself, and who tries to make herself as small and out of the way as possible, and I have one kid who is generally impulsive and a little klutzy and who feels immense guilt about things and a lot of internal pressure to not "mess things up." Guess whose little voice they most likely hear in their heads? The same way my internal voice is my dad *sigh*

 

So I try to be a lot more circumspect about that kind of thing now. They're both good kids, they mean well, they don't intentionally hurt things or people, so no good will come of berating them publicly except to make others feel better, and I'm not going to do that at my kids' expense. That doesn't mean that I don't parent or guide them, and it doesn't mean I allow them to run amok or inconvenience others. I don't--those are some of my pet peeves about our fellow homeschooling families here. It just means if there's additional discussion to be had, we have it later, when emotions are calmer and no one is likely to be embarrassed. 

Edited August 17, 2016 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[poppy]

I was one of the people who said I'd discuss it with my child later. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't point it out to them in the moment and direct them to apologize, and I do correct my kids in public when correction is needed. But I don't yell at them, and I don't belabor the issue when I can see that they already know what they've done wrong and feel badly about it. What's the point in that? 

 

Like SKL said, I used to constantly correct my kids to watch where they're going, look out for so and so, pay attention, speak quietly, watch how you treat that person, etc. Now that they're older, I have one kid with anxiety and who's afraid to speak up for herself, and who tries to make herself as small and out of the way as possible, and I have one kid who is generally impulsive and a little klutzy and who feels immense guilt about things and a lot of internal pressure to not "mess things up." Guess whose little voice they most likely hear in their heads? The same way my internal voice is my dad *sigh*

 

So I try to be a lot more circumspect about that kind of thing now. They're both good kids, they mean well, they don't intentionally hurt things or people, so no good will come of berating them publicly except to make others feel better, and I'm not going to do that at my kids' expense. That doesn't mean that I don't parent or guide them, and it doesn't mean I allow them to run amok or inconvenience others. I don't--those are some of my pet peeves about our fellow homeschooling families here. It just means if there's additional discussion to be had, we have it later, when emotions are calmer and no one is likely to be embarrassed. 

 

This is where I'm struggling a bit - the  way little kids need frequent guidance vs the way older kids get embarrassed by being given that guidance. My daughter is 8, and I can see she is an emerging tween.  Her personal sense of space / identity / self is important to her , and I respect that. But her behavior, particularly her impulse control and instincts, are basically the same as her 6 year old brother.Actually she's worse. She acts and thinks younger than she is, emotionally. For reasons beyond her control (though of course we're working on it).  So I think I'm particularly sensitive to these issues right now.

[Soror]

Well, if my kid is literally swinging from a chandelier I'm not going to quietly whisper come down. I would be right there firmly telling them to get down and if that wasn't done post haste I would be helping them down. When my kids are doing egregiously wrong/bad things I don't just sit around and ignore it or act chill. 

 

On the other hand as long as they aren't hurting someone else or somebody's property I give them a fair amount of freedom to do things others don't accept- going further away from me and engaging in behavior others deem too "dangerous(we are a family of monkeys for one thing- some hs parents don't even let their teenagers out of their sight)." But as long as it doesn't effect someone else and is not breaking any rules I don't see that as somebody's else's problem.

 

That being said I don't generally like doing organized activities with large groups of hs'ers. Although I don't know that it is just hs'ers. We went as a group to a play and they had a bunch of ps'ers there too and the leaders gave all these rules and as soon as they stopped talking the kids started breaking all the rules - pretty much ruined it for us- whereas the hs'ers were relatively quiet- of course the hs'ers had parents there with them. So, maybe it is just large groups of kids in general that get so crazy, I don't know.

Edited August 17, 2016 by soror

[Soror]

I *try* not to yell but I will get a firm voice and I have very high expectations when we are out to various places- even if I don't agree with all the rules I expect that we will follow them.

 

I see over and underparenting. My new term is "display parenting" parents that like to put on a show that they are parenting but never actually get off their butt or follow through but instead just scream and yell at the kid more for everyone else's amusement/benefit/ then to actually discipline the child b/c it isn't hardly even aimed at them. Those people annoy me worse then people that ignore their kids. I try to keep my hanging out w/ people with similar parenting values less we annoy each other.

[8circles]

This is where I'm struggling a bit - the  way little kids need frequent guidance vs the way older kids get embarrassed by being given that guidance. My daughter is 8, and I can see she is an emerging tween.  Her personal sense of space / identity / self is important to her , and I respect that. But her behavior, particularly her impulse control and instincts, are basically the same as her 6 year old brother.Actually she's worse. She acts and thinks younger than she is, emotionally. For reasons beyond her control (though of course we're working on it).  So I think I'm particularly sensitive to these issues right now.

 

Yes, kids with impulse control issues make this line hard to find.  I have 2 of them and the line is in different places for each of them.  I don't think there is an absolute right answer, you just figure it out as you go.

[EMS83]

I do, but I try to be firm and kind, unless they ignore me.  If they are ignoring verbal directions and horsing around in a store, I absolutely will pop them on the back of the thigh.  I used to be afraid to do that, but that resulted in my children knocking into people without noticing, backstroking (on the floor) down aisles in the grocery store, and just...no.  I get super stern later, if I don't feel they've really acknowledged the reproof.  I won't chew them out in front of people, but if not spoken to at all, they will simply escalate.  Maybe that's a parent fail in and of itself?  I don't know.  No one trained me for this!  

 

What I notice though, is that most adults that are a third party to my verbal reproofs will tell me "oh they're fine!" or "they're kids!" and will become insistent if I continue to reprove or if I tell the third party that I prefer X behavior in my kids (ie: not running around in stores or church).  It's almost as if they're uncomfortable with it?  These aren't often my peers, but people who are older than me (by 10+ years).  I'm not yelling, or shaming.  Simply, "stop doing X, where in Y place and you know you need to behave in Z manner."  Also, many people will say my kids are so much better than most. When they're running and yelling in the sanctuary or a store, I'm having a hard time imagining what exactly it is that other kids do!

[Lisa R.]

If they are ignoring verbal directions and horsing around in a store, I absolutely will pop them on the back of the thigh.

 

What I notice though, is that most adults that are a third party to my verbal reproofs will tell me "oh they're fine!"

 

I'm not yelling, or shaming.

Please know that when you "pop them on the thigh" in public, you are shaming them...and yourself.

 

If you have neuro typical kids, there's no reason they can't be trained to not behave badly in public. They can certainly be trained to do this without physical means.

 

Also, it is unusual that strangers comment in the middle of a mother parenting. If you're having multiple people who don't know you telling you that your kids are behaving appropriately as you are correcting them, it is possible that you are either overdoing the correction or are correcting behavior that is normal and age-expected.

 

Gently, please look objectively at your training methods and see if there is something you need to change. Something is off here...

[EMS83]

Please know that when you "pop them on the thigh" in public, you are shaming them...and yourself.

 

If you have neuro typical kids, there's no reason they can't be trained to not behave badly in public. They can certainly be trained to do this without physical means.

 

Also, it is unusual that strangers comment in the middle of a mother parenting. If you're having multiple people who don't know you telling you that your kids are behaving appropriately as you are correcting them, it is possible that you are either overdoing the correction or are correcting behavior that is normal and age-expected.

 

Gently, please look objectively at your training methods and see if there is something you need to change. Something is off here...

 

I understand it bothers many people to even hear of any kind of spanking, and I appreciate your concern.  Understand also that there are plenty of other people that wish parents would spank their kids more.  And understand that whatever you see of anyone, you're seeing a tiny fraction of their reality.  I'm sure you wouldn't want someone to judge the tiny fraction of your reality they see according to their own ideals and priorities.

 

I'm simply sharing one facet and two (separate) examples of public discipline situations in my family for the sake of group show & tell.  It's simply another tally mark for random people to consider.  I don't want to derail the thread explaining or defending my parenting decisions, reviewing my past and present psychology, or parsing the finer points of cultural dynamics and various parenting philosophies.  I didn't used to do anything at all in public for fear of "people" saying or thinking something negative about me or even reporting me to DFCS (you know, for raising my voice or something).  That didn't work out so well.  Now I do things and that's one of them.

 

For the record though, playing tag in a sanctuary, and running in circles or wrestling on the floor in stores is not appropriate behavior. It's not fine, and if other kids routinely act worse than that...I can't imagine.  I have never seen such kids, personally.  ETA: however if I did, I wouldn't be giving Mom dirty looks, or any other looks, probably.  

Edited August 19, 2016 by CES2005

[8circles]

I understand it bothers many people to even hear of any kind of spanking, and I appreciate your concern.  Yes, violence towards chidren is something that people usually don't enjoy hearing about. Understand also that there are plenty of other people that wish parents would spank their kids more.  And this is supposed to be an equally valid POV?  Some people wish more parents were violent to their children.  OK. That's despicable.  And understand that whatever you see of anyone, you're seeing a tiny fraction of their reality.  I'm sure you wouldn't want someone to judge the tiny fraction of your reality they see according to their own ideals and priorities.  Right.  Just like kids playing tag in a sanctuary, running in circles or wrestling on the floor in a store - these are also a tiny fraction of their reality.  Yet your judgement of them & their parents who wouldn't spank is pretty clear.

 

I'm simply sharing one facet and two (separate) examples of public discipline situations in my family for the sake of group show & tell.  It's simply another tally mark for random people to consider.  I don't want to derail the thread explaining or defending my parenting decisions, reviewing my past and present psychology, or parsing the finer points of cultural dynamics and various parenting philosophies.  I didn't used to do anything at all in public for fear of "people" saying or thinking something negative about me or even reporting me to DFCS (you know, for raising my voice or something).  That didn't work out so well.  Now I do things and that's one of them.  So you used to do nothing to discipline your children in public and that didn't work (wow, what a suprise) so now you discipline them in public with violence.  Because there is apparently nothing in between violence and nothing.

 

For the record though, playing tag in a sanctuary, and running in circles or wrestling on the floor in stores is not appropriate behavior. It's not fine, and if other kids routinely act worse than that...I can't imagine.  I have never seen such kids, personally.  ETA: however if I did, I wouldn't be giving Mom dirty looks, or any other looks, probably.   For the actual record, using violence to discipline your children - either in public or private - is proven to be more harmful than helpful.  And yeah, I might give a dirty look and might even say something.  Because violence also affects bystanders.

[SKL]

So yesterday I was "that mom."  My kids asked for extra time to swim, and I gave them until X:20.  Come X:20 and I go to remind them that it's time to get out (I know kids don't stare at the clock, I was one once).  They ignore me and keep playing.  I make all manner of arm movements etc. which they appear to notice and ignore.  They are doing serial handstands, so I'm trying to get their attention when their head surfaces.  There is a lot of noise and calling (in a normal calling voice) would not work.  After 9 minutes of me standing there like an idiot, one kid gets out and goes to shower.  The pool folks turn off the water spouts and now it's less noisy.  I finally call the other kid a couple times and she comes over.  To each kid, I quietly inform them there will be consequences for ignoring my instruction and my gestures.

 

I feel like an idiot who has been publicly humiliated by my apparently undisciplined 9-year-olds.  What must the other parents think?

 

They swear they didn't notice me gesturing.  I dunno ... I could see it with the noise and water spouts and goggles up to a point, but 9/10 minutes?  (The elder said she thought I was standing there because I like watching them do handstands.  And here I thought I was looking mean and threatening....)

 

I go walk around the upstairs track to talk myself down and figure out what the consequence is going to be.  I manage to get over myself and act like a sane human ... this time.  :p

 

FTR they did get consequenced, but nobody in public needs to know what the consequence was.

Edited August 19, 2016 by SKL

[poppy]

So yesterday I was "that mom."  My kids asked for extra time to swim, and I gave them until X:20.  Come X:20 and I go to remind them that it's time to get out (I know kids don't stare at the clock, I was one once).  They ignore me and keep playing.  I make all manner of arm movements etc. which they appear to notice and ignore.  They are doing serial handstands, so I'm trying to get their attention when their head surfaces.  There is a lot of noise and calling (in a normal calling voice) would not work.  After 9 minutes of me standing there like an idiot, one kid gets out and goes to shower.  The pool folks turn off the water spouts and now it's less noisy.  I finally call the other kid a couple times and she comes over.  To each kid, I quietly inform them there will be consequences for ignoring my instruction and my gestures.

 

I feel like an idiot who has been publicly humiliated by my apparently undisciplined 9-year-olds.  What must the other parents think?

 

They swear they didn't notice me gesturing.  I dunno ... I could see it with the noise and water spouts and goggles up to a point, but 9/10 minutes?  (The elder said she thought I was standing there because I like watching them do handstands.  And here I thought I was looking mean and threatening....)

 

I go walk around the upstairs track to talk myself down and figure out what the consequence is going to be.  I manage to get over myself and act like a sane human ... this time.  :p

 

FTR they did get consequenced, but nobody in public needs to know what the consequence was.

 

Sounds familiar. Apparently swimming pools make children temporarily deaf.

 

[EMS83]

8circles, I see you feel strongly about this.  You are free to do that, of course.  You are also free to choose your words, and I am free to choose how I will react to them.  :) 

 

I feel that all parents are free to parent according to their philosophy, ideals, and/or religion (barring obvious legal transgressions).  If anything I said implied otherwise, it was unintentional.

 

All: I might be sorry I commented to begin with, perhaps.  I wasn't part of the target audience, sure enough.  I'll think on that some.  At the very least, I did not intend to offend or derail, so I do apologize for the unintended unfolding of events, for whatever that's worth.  

[8circles]

8circles, I see you feel strongly about this.  You are free to do that, of course.  You are also free to choose your words, and I am free to choose how I will react to them.   :)

 

 

Yes, I feel strongly that violence towards children is wrong.  I am satisfied that my choice of words conveyed what I meant to convey.

 

I will never understand this kind of POV.  I call violence, violence - I'm not going to change my vocabulary to make something ugly into something more attractive.  Yet I get the admonishment of "you choose your words" with the implication that I made a poor choice - from someone that advocates violence towards children.  And then pat yourself on the back because you react calmly.  

 

If it wasn't such a serious issue, it'd be funny.

[SKL]

Some people who think their methods "nonviolent" produce just as much angst in the onlookers as spankers do.

 

Bottom line, we don't know what the other parent has or has not tried, how or why it worked or didn't work.  So being judgmental about the tip of the iceberg that we see is unhelpful.

 

I used to say that I wish society didn't force spankers to do it in private.  Like it or not, the vast majority of U.S. families spank.  Given that, I'd rather it be above-ground.  I'd rather parents could talk about it, receive wise advice about how to moderate and what else is worth an honest try.  Who knows, maybe it would reduce the incidence of criminal abuse.  But of course that's never going to happen.

 

ETA I'm not saying I'm in favor of public spankings.  Just being allowed to admit in public that you spank.  And if you're dealing with at tot running in the street or similar, being able to administer a swat in public if that's the language he best understands.

Edited August 19, 2016 by SKL

[goldberry]

I agree, and I think the people who say they avoid correcting in public are talking about older kids, not five-year-olds.  My 9yos have become very sensitive to public correction in the past year.  I hope that means they are noticing others' feelings and will naturally become more considerate.  :)

 

 

 

Agree.  Correcting or stopping a behavior that needs to be stopped right then is one thing, and tends to occur more often with younger kids anyway.  Discussion or consequences can usually be handled privately.

 

Once DD was older, usually I could manage to catch her eye and give her the "look" that I didn't approve of whatever was going on.  When she was older, we actually discussed that I would do my best not to embarrass her in public, but that if she pushed me too far I would do what was necessary.  That worked out fine.

[goldberry]

That quick we go to "any spanking under any circumstance = violence against children".  NOT the topic of this thread.

[Joshin]

I can't stand people that are constantly correcting their kids in public. It will make me leave an area because it is so uncomfortable. Witnessing public swattings and spanking were enough to give my sensitive kid nightmares and reduce him to tears when we witnessed it when he was younger. In my experience, public correction seems to fall into two camps -- you either see the kid physically wilt under the constant criticism or you see kids that begin acting out even more in false bravado because they are embarrassed. Note, I am talking about kids about age 7 or 8 and up that are behaving (or misbehaving) in age appropriate/expected ways. I'm also not talking about respectful corrections like "Jimmy, please stop climbing up the slide," but stuff like "You climb up that slide one more time I'm going to belt you!"

 

I've never been one for public shaming or violence (spanking et al.). I can yell pretty loud if need be, but I've found pitching my voice lower gets it heard better. ;) My method has always been to pull the child aside and discuss the behavior privately. With only two kids almost 5 years apart, my experience with things like the swimming pool situation was much easier because I'd just wade in after the errant child because I didn't have a bunch of littles to keep track of. I know moms of multiples or with kids closer in age have it much more challenging!

[SKL]

 With only two kids almost 5 years apart, my experience with things like the swimming pool situation was much easier because I'd just wade in after the errant child because I didn't have a bunch of littles to keep track of. I know moms of multiples or with kids closer in age have it much more challenging!

 

Just to clarify the swimming situation, I wasn't wading anywhere because I was fully clothed.  :)  I haven't had to get in the water with my kids since they were 5.

[Shred Betty]

Um... its not horrible. I think it's selfish & lazy to not steer your kids when they need it... I'm definitely not all for over controlling, BUT.

 

We have neighbors with a daughter of comparable age to ours. We honestly can't allow her over to play as much as we'd like... So everybody suffers from it. I know I shouldn't correct her, or even have to correct someone else's child much, right?? Rude of me to do, in most situations I'm sure. But she does insist on running behind my wood pile. If she got injured I'd probably rightfully get in trouble. She runs into the ditch holding 30 years of old rusted deadly farm equipment half buried in wetland. Or trying to climb the unstable log pile (certain death) or putting whatever unidentified plant life she picked plus previously mentioned wetland farm trash heap pond water slop from a bucket I used to carry dead mice in into her mouth. True examples of things I've told her firmly to stop doing, immediately and for her own safety, and as soon as I turn my back she does them again!!! Her parents don't correct in public or in private either I'm guessing :(