What would you think about this behavior? (now with the recipe, #27)

[38carrots]

I attended a seminar where four people stayed in one house, together with the host family. We informally shared some house keeping, grocery shopping and cooking.

 

Here are a couple of examples.

 

I'm cooking a soup for everyone, for supper. Ana asks me if she could taste it, and I say sure (several hours before supper time.) She tastes it and immediately tells me that the soup needs flour and starts telling me how I can make it thicker with flour (the soup is supposed to have clear broth, according to the recipe and this is how I've beem cooking it for years.) She also suggests I can dump the broth, if I didn't want to thicken the soup with flour. Later everyone loved the soup, asked for seconds and for the recipe. Except Ana, who avoided the broth.

 

She asks me what's in the soup, and when I mention beets, she immediately tells me that her dh hates beets and therefore won't eat the soup. (An hour prior to this her DH told me that he already had this kind of soup once, and liked it. Her DH also ate the soup that I made with no problems.)

 

We are doing grocery shopping and we have hummus on the list. I get some regular and some garlic. She asks me what I got, and then immediately says, "No, no, no. Noone will eat the garlic one." She reaches into my cart, about to remove it. (I tell her that that's okay, that I'll eat it. When I bring groceries the other participants are all excited about the garlic hummus. Unfortunately, Ana wasn't there to witness their excitement lol).

 

One of the hosts started making coffee but forgot to add water to the coffee maker. I discover this and pick up the task of making coffee. Ana notices the amount of coffee in the filter and says, "Oh no. I guess if you like weak coffee, you can leave it like this, but it definitely needs more." I tell her that I've been enjoying the coffee made by the host for several days already, so this must be a good amount of coffee and continue making it. (At this point I was upset on behalf of the host, who was a lovely woman who tried so hard to accommodate everyone.)

 

Do you know people like this? What drives them? Is this regular b*$&ness or something else?

 

ETA: I'd like to attend the same week long seminar next summer. I'd like to avoid being there at the same time as Ana, who is also planning on coming. Should I mention this to the host? How would you describe to the host your issue with Ana?

 

 

 

 

Edited July 7, 2016 by 38carrots

[Miss Peregrine]

Ugh.

[hopskipjump]

 

Do you know people like this? What drives them? Is this regular b*$&ness or something else?

 

Yes. I don't know. But - ugh. They are tedious to be around. :ack2:

 

[momto10blessings]

What do I think about this kind of behavior? That it's freaking annoying AND exhausting.

[kitten18]

Obnoxious

[elegantlion]

My way or you're wrong type people? Yes they can be grating. Sometimes they are just clueless and think they are being helpful, sometimes self-centered, sometimes just really jerks. I would ask for a different week.

[Carrie12345]

I have been around some difficult people, but I can't even fathom that brand of obnoxiousness. I honestly don't think I would be able to hack it without snapping at some point.

[creekland]

I'd suspect that this is how her mom was and it's learned behavior.

 

While annoying, I think you're doing the right thing by pressing on your way rather than giving in.  Pending the situation (would definitely have to be one on one), I might even say something about it, because often these folks don't even realize what they are doing until someone nicely points it out to them.

 

If they don't at least attempt change, it's definitely worth it to just walk away or ignore them until you can walk away if it grates on your nerves.

 

As for another year?  Again, I'd talk one on one with the host bringing this up in a matter of fact way rather than as gossip.  She may be able to assist you with picking a week.

[Garga]

Sounds a bit like a relative I have. No matter what I say or do, she comes back with how it's wrong. For the person in my life, it seems to be an anxiety/control issue. She feels out of control a lot of times and so tries to control all the little things around her. Plus she has a bit of depression, so she has a negative view on many things.

 

The person in my life who is this way seems to be utterly unaware of it and at heart tries to be a nice person, but it's terribly irritating behavior. When she does the things like in your OP, she is very quiet and a bit hangdog about it. Pretty much an Eeyore. Everything is miserable and not quite right.

 

If Ana was loud and overbearing, I might assess the behavior as more aggressive and done on purpose to be annoying rather than an Eeyore-ian attempt to "help."

 

But no matter the motives or the presentation of the behavior, it's very difficult to deal with. If I were you I'd ask the host if I could come on a different week from Ana. If you have to state it up front, "I don't want to be there with Ana!" Then do it without giving a lot of details. "Ana and I don't see eye to eye on things. I'd rather attend the seminar on separate weeks." You don't want to get gossipy with someone who knows Ana.

[SparklyUnicorn]

sounds annoying as hell

 

sounds like my MIL  :glare:

[trulycrabby]

I think I would deliberately ignore her behavior and go about doing whatever I was doing, or tell her she can do things her way in her own kitchen.

[Katy]

I think in general control freaks operate out of fear and end up micromanaging things. Because they are SO worried about problems, this is also the one type of person who benefits from pointing out that they are being rude and inconsiderate.  If you're not very confrontational by nature, gently teasing them about it will get across the point without being so direct.  They are not the sensitive type and will likely not pick up on hints. 

 

You can also redirect the criticism into the personal (because they are uncomfortable in the personal), "Why on earth would you assume I'm incapable of making a soup I have been making for 15 years?  You don't even know me.  I don't think I've ever met someone so rude!"

 

You can also specifically ask the host how you can avoid her because you have, "a personality clash."

[Bluegoat]

All your examples were food related - does that actually reflect reality, or just the things you noticed most?  If it is really all about food, my thought is she has some real anxiety around it for some reason, and feels the need to control food.  It seems to be a pretty common thing, it could be that controlling behavior is the extent of it, or it could be something bigger that you can't see.

 

It would be annoying, but I would tend to just ignore it, and your responses seem about right to me.  She probably doesn't realize how it sounds to people, or she can't control it well - it may be the only way she has to cope.

[creekland]

Side track:

 

We have oodles of beets.  If you use beets in the soup (if that wasn't changed for the story), can you please share the recipe?   :drool5:

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Side track:

 

We have oodles of beets.  If you use beets in the soup (if that wasn't changed for the story), can you please share the recipe?   :drool5:

 

This is not soup, but I made it for company this past weekend and it was a HUGE hit: Overnight/refrigerator pickled beets.

 

http://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/cider-vinegar-pickled-beets

[marbel]

If you have options, I would try to find out when Ana is going and go a different week.   If Ana is unavoidable, I'd develop a thick skin and ability to blow off her comments.  I think I'd try to have a formula for responses. 

 

"Oh, you prefer thicker soups?   I'll enjoy trying the one you make when it's your turn."

 

"Oh, you don't like garlic humms? Well, you can eat the plain variety; I'll be eating the garlic."

 

"Oh, you don't like beets?  I'm sure you can have some extra salad and bread if you don't want to eat the soup."

 

"Oh, you haven't enjoyed the coffee this week?  I think it's been really good.  I'll just go ahead and make it the way our host set it up for us."

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

If you have options, I would try to find out when Ana is going and go a different week.   If Ana is unavoidable, I'd develop a thick skin and ability to blow off her comments.  I think I'd try to have a formula for responses. 

 

"Oh, you prefer thicker soups?   I'll enjoy trying the one you make when it's your turn."

 

"Oh, you don't like garlic humms? Well, you can eat the plain variety; I'll be eating the garlic."

 

"Oh, you don't like beets?  I'm sure you can have some extra salad and bread if you don't want to eat the soup."

 

"Oh, you haven't enjoyed the coffee this week?  I think it's been really good.  I'll just go ahead and make it the way our host set it up for us."

 

I'd probably not say anything but think:

 

"Oh, you prefer thicker soups?  I'll dump this 5 pound bag in there until it's like a brick."

"Oh, you don't like garlic hummus?  Well, I'll put the plain one back and only buy garlic so there is more for me."

*Oh, you don't like beets?  Order McDonald's."

"Oh, you haven't enjoyed the coffee this week?  It sucks to be you."

 

:lol:

[Anne in CA]

Weirdness does come out with food. I have been in some form of the hospitality industry for thirty years and I can tell you that Ana is FAR from the nuttiest person as far as trying to control food like that. Weddings and special occasions really bring it out in some people. They need to control other people's food choices. What you are describing is actually pretty far down the range of weirdo food controlling nut, lol.

 

I had a woman in the restaurant on Friday who said ALL the food she and her husband had was disgusting. Her husband ate a huge breakfast and finished every single morsel of food and she asked for a to-go box for the small amount that remained of her food (it was a three egg veg omelet and she had eaten most of it and all the home made sour dough toast, so she had eaten a huge amount of the "disgusting" food herself) and boxed her food in a careful manner that indicated she was going to reheat it. She was quite disappointed that I called her on her crap. She huffed out without leaving a tip for the waitress who was kind to her.  I wouldn't be with that woman on a trip, but Ana seems easier to ignore.

 

Also, I see some people who tell everyone else how to order food, but they have friends so they must be pleasant other than trying to control the food, lol. They will go around a table and say, "You don't want mayonnaise on that,"  as someone orders or tell me to cook someone else's food well done, and when I check with the person they are all, "no, I want my burger medium." Those people would drive me batty, but Ana doesn't sound that bad.

 

Maybe Ana has control issues and thought you were a sweet little home school mom that she could boss around? If that is her worst bossing, I could deal with it, lol.

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't say a word unless it's dire.  For me onions in food is dire so I'd only mention that.  Otherwise, I can eat anything (else) if need be.

 

 

[happi duck]

What especially gets me about this habit is using others to make their case...no one will eat that instead of *I* won't eat that. It's often lying.

 

I try to be patient because as others have said...control issues often stem from fear and bringing others into it seems like perhaps they don't expect their opinion alone to matter.

 

.

Edited July 6, 2016 by happi duck

[38carrots]

Yeah, I haven't witness this behavior around other things, just food. But we were interacting mostly around food. Maybe it is specific to food control issues. Thank you for letting me look at her with more compassion.

[snickerplum]

Her mama never told her "you get what you get, and you don't complain." She sounds immature.

I would respond to her like I would my 5 year old. Flour comment = "that's a good idea! I'll remember that when I make a soup that needs thickener!" Beet comment = "Sorry you don't like them. I bet you can pick around them." You get the idea. Of course, I wouldn't respond that way typically, but with someone showing a pattern of filterless comments, I'd make an exception. :-)

I wouldn't want her in my group next year either. But you can be sure I'd be thinking of some great beet recipes just in case. Is garlic beet hummus a thing...?

Edited July 7, 2016 by snickerplum

[38carrots]

Her mama never told her "you get what you get, and you don't complain." She sounds immature.

I would respond to her like I would my 5 year old. Flour comment = "that's a good idea! I'll remember that when I make a soup that needs thickener!" Beet comment = "Sorry you don't like them. I bet you can pick around them." You get the idea. Of course, I wouldn't respond that way typically, but with someone showing a pattern of filterless comments, I'd make an exception. :-)

I wouldn't want her in my group next year either. But you can be sure I'd be thinking of some great beet recipes just in case. Is garlic beet hummus a thing...?

 

:smilielol5: :smilielol5: :smilielol5:

[purplejackmama]

I had no idea my MIL was at a seminar recently. If only I would have known I could have given you a heads up warning ;)

[SereneHome]

People don't say things like that to me - I think I have that "look" on my face.....

 

On a side note - I would love the beet soup recipe.

[38carrots]

The Beet Soupr Recipe. There are many, but I like this one. I usually cube everything really tiny, instead of grating. I also add more tomato paste and dill instead of parsley. It is a Russian / Ukrainian recipe that I was taught years ago.

 

http://natashaskitchen.com/2014/02/08/borscht-recipe-with-meat/

[purplejackmama]

People don't say things like that to me - I think I have that "look" on my face.....

 

On a side note - I would love the beet soup recipe.

RBF it's a thing!!

[Carol in Cal.]

Actually, there IS a beet hummus with garlic in it.  It is really good, and it has a nice deep red color, so if you put it on cucumber slices it looks very Christmasy.  It tastes just like regular hummus.  Basically you substitute boiled, peeled, pureed beets for the chickpeas.

 

ETA:  Bwahaha

Edited July 7, 2016 by Carol in Cal.

[Bluegoat]

I have another good beet recipe, if anyone is interested - it is called "3 B casserole.

 

The amounts are somewhat variable.

 

1.5 lbs stew beef

3/4 lb beets, peeled and sliced

3/4 pint bitter

olive oil

3 onions, chunked

1 oz seasoned flour

1-2 tsp horseradish sauce

 

Ideally cook in an over-proof casserole dish

 

Coat the meat with seasoned flour, fry with the onions until browned, about 5 min.  Add the beer and bring to a boil.  Remove from heat, add horseradish and beets.  Transfer to overproof dish if necessary, cover, and cook in oven at 335F for 1.5 to 2 hours.

 

I like this with very garlicy mashed potatoes and beet greens.

 

 

[vonbon]

For the person in my life, it seems to be an anxiety/control issue. She feels out of control a lot of times and so tries to control all the little things around her. 

 

My thought exactly.  I think it's a control issue.  

 

I was around a child like this on a trip recently.  I tried to be kind, but did not let her boss me, as she constantly tried to do with all adults and children on the trip.  At the end of the few days, I surmised that this child--for whatever reason--was either born with an extremely high need for control or currently feels out-of-control or that she doesn't have any control in her life, or both (personality and circumstance).  It was a bit grating at points.  I felt a bit sad for her, though exhausted too.  It was easier to let it go because she is very young, so it was obvious that, as the adult, I should gently redirect while standing firm on my own decisions. But, wow, did I have to really truly stay centered, calm, and continually and firmly hold my ground.  She was persistent.  I couldn't have done it so graciously with an adult and probably would have practiced avoidance as much as possible if she were older.  Interestingly, "Food" is a daily, major control issue for this child.

 

I know another group of people whom I love and have known for many years.  In this extended family, Food also reigns as the supreme way to work out personal issues, show creativity, branch out in life, celebrate joys, work through grief...you name it, with this group of folks, it is dealt with via Food.  I come from a very different background regarding food, so this has been a foreign thing for me to learn about.  There is so much CONTROL exercised in this group of people around the topic of Food, which I don't care nearly as much about.  I thank God that I've always had enough to live, but for me, food = mostly only energy to live.  For them, the world hinges on creating and executing the perfect menu! :laugh:   Needless to say, though I can be a good cook in my own right, I steer clear of cooking around this bunch.  It's just a source of drama and control that I would rather do without!

 

Anyway, I don't have any great solutions for you on how to deal with this person.  With the child I was with, I kept gently and kindly asking if she could help with X (setting the table, whatever was needed), just so she could put her "stamp" on things and exert a little of her need to control.  

 

Just thought it was interesting that the examples you gave of her needing to exert such control were related to Food.