New trend? People showing up early to social event

[ktgrok]

I am NEVER even one minute late, and I strive to be early. I can't wrap my head around those who say early is rude. Definitely this is not the case in my social circles. My whole life I've been taught (and learned through experience) that it is the late person who is rude.

 

Whenever I host something, I have the house and myself ready an hour prior to showtime. If nothing else, I can relax that last hour instead of being in a tizzy.

 

ETA: My whole life has been spent in military custom. It is the norm in the military to never be late and always be a little early. Our family mantra: "If you're not five minutes early, then you're late!"

 

I guess the military hasn't met Emily Post, lol! Cause she says that's rude!

 

I'd never do well in the military though. 

[ktgrok]

I wouldn't say most of the parties are "fancy"........ I see cocktails or pre-dinner drinks as well as appetizers at both casual, semi-casual and more formal affairs.........

 

Yeah, it's not about fancy. A barbecue would be hanging out and maybe having a beer or iced tea or lemonade, eating some chips, while the food cooks and people mingle. About an hour before actually eating I'd guess. 

 

At my mom's or sister's or my house, for just family, it would be wine or soda or maybe a pitcher of margaritas if we are out by the pool, with some cheese and crackers, chips and dip, or maybe a fruit tray, again while waiting for the food to finish. We mingle, talk, let the kids play for a while before expecting them to sit down and behave. 

 

At parties I've hosted we have drinks (alcoholic and not), chips and hummus, nuts, olives, etc out, maybe pretzels or chips, maybe snack mix, whatever. 

 

Fancier meals would have baked brie and crackers, hot appetizers, etc, but that's mostly Christmas, New years, etc. 

[mmasc]

I'm an early bird also.

 

As a host, I find it incredibly rude to be late and I would honestly start freaking out if no one had arrived 10 min past the listed event time. I always plan events to occur 1 hr after I can be ready... ie I have errands to run and can't get the house/party ready before 2 pm then the event will be planned for 3 pm or later. This way all cleaning, etc is done ahead of time with the exception of small last minute details. I also plan appetizers and "distraction" items for guests to entertain the first arrivers until everyone gets there and the party can actually start.

 

As a guest, I like the 5-10 minutes grace either direction of the start time just because of traffic and clocks being off. I always leave my house early because I've always lived rurally and never know what I'll run into. If I arrive really early I wait in the car until the first other person arrives or it's time. If it's at a group event at a location (like homeschool cookouts) I plan to arrive early to help the host and discuss this when accepting the invite. (ie... I'd love to attend the homeschool bbq is there anything I can bring or do to help? ... Great. You listed it at 1pm would you like me to arrive earlier to help you set up?) I will offer the same help to house parties if I am close to the host or feel they would appreciate it but like I said this is discussed! I'd never consider showing my face at a party more than 10 minutes to start time without prior permission. I'd just sit in my car if I arrived more than 5-10 min early.  

 

I wonder if this has anything to do with military vs. civilian... Kinsa mentioned being expected to be early and if you aren't at least 5 min early you're late. I was taught the same thing but was an army brat. Anyone else? Maybe that's the distinction LOL

 

*Funny story: I did once arrive AN HOUR! early to an event. My co-workers planned an event we were to meet up at work to drive to together. I was told we were meeting at 10 am at work. I get there (10 min to 10 am in my normal fashion) and there are only two people there in the office. They started laughing because I missed the memo that the REAL meet time was 11 am. We had one chick that was notoriously one hour late to everything. She seriously was one hour late to everything even work. They put out the invite for "her" and everyone else was told separately not to arrive until 11 but I missed that memo somehow. Sure enough Miss Late arrived at 11 am and we left. Ughhhh LOL

We're military and when we are invited to military events we are *never* late.  And by late, I mean anything past the time stated.  It says 5:00, we get there at 4:55, not 5:01 or later. :)

 

I guess the military hasn't met Emily Post, lol! Cause she says that's rude!

 

I'd never do well in the military though. 

 

I doubt the military gives a flip about Emily Post!  :laugh:

[mmasc]

I'm not sure about the rest of you introverts out there, but this whole thread has been a great reminder to me of why I never host anything, ever. :lol:

[marbel]

I'm not sure about the rest of you introverts out there, but this whole thread has been a great reminder to me of why I never host anything, ever. :lol:

 

LOL.  I am pretty introverted, and shy too.  I still like hosting things. In fact, I prefer hosting to being a guest; that way I can disappear from time to time to take a breath alone.   Much easier to be on my own turf, so to speak. 

 

[Mbelle]

Slightly introverted here.  Another reason to show up 10 min "late"  is the hope that someone is already there or is arriving en mass and can share the responsibility of conversation to help ease into the evening.  Nice glass of wine helps too!

[heartlikealion]

When reading this thread the other day, I said to dh maybe people need disclaimers like they do with garage sales. No early birds, please! lol. Ugh that was the worst. We were setting up for a yard sale and some woman was super early trying to come inside my home! The sale it outdoors, not in my house!

 

I honestly cannot imagine putting "don't come early" (not these exact words) in writing. I guess the only way I'd feel comfortable asking guests not to arrive early is if I had a "legit" reason -- we won't be home until x time.

 

I don't expect cocktails or appetizers. Nope, that's just not something I've experienced. Of course you're talking to someone who was told "the turkey is coming out of the oven, we're about to eat" before I even got in the car when her in-laws' pushed Thanksgiving meal up because the new oven affected cook time?? We've also invited people over for dinner that insisted on BRINGING THE DINNER. So yeah, nothing SHOULD surprise me. Personally I prefer to eat shortly (10-15 min.) after arriving just because chances are I'm hungry! But if the meal time isn't late then waiting longer wouldn't be so bad.

[regentrude]

Of course you're talking to someone who was told "the turkey is coming out of the oven, we're about to eat" before I even got in the car when her in-laws' pushed Thanksgiving meal up because the new oven affected cook time??

 

One year I had to call our Thanksgiving guests and beg them to come an hour earlier than planned, because I had overestimated the cooking time of the turkey and dinner was getting close to ready.

[Matryoshka]

I don't expect cocktails or appetizers. Nope, that's just not something I've experienced. Of course you're talking to someone who was told "the turkey is coming out of the oven, we're about to eat" before I even got in the car when her in-laws' pushed Thanksgiving meal up because the new oven affected cook time?? We've also invited people over for dinner that insisted on BRINGING THE DINNER. So yeah, nothing SHOULD surprise me. Personally I prefer to eat shortly (10-15 min.) after arriving just because chances are I'm hungry! But if the meal time isn't late then waiting longer wouldn't be so bad.

 

Um, that's why you put out appetizers and offer people drinks when they arrive!

 

I've never, ever been to any kind of dinner, even the most casual with family, where we don't have munchies and something to drink (alcoholic or not) and mingle and chat for ah hour or so before sitting down to eat.  This includes Thanksgiving, potlucks with ladies from church or with homeschooling friends, birthdays, everything.  I've literally never heard of just getting in the door and sitting down to eat.  That's just bizarre.

 

And the arrival time assumes that.  The 'time to arrive' is NOT the same as 'time to eat' - the mingling time is mixed in - if it's a sit-down dinner, the host might mention arrive at X, we'll plan to eat at Y.  But if one time is given, that's arrival.

 

I am always rushing to get things done at the last minute.  I'd be another one caught in sweats with messy hair and no makeup if guests arrived that early.  It is, indeed, very very rude, and that's why.  The hostess is supposed to have the time before arrival to finish preparations.  Goody for all of you who are so perfectly prepared that you can get things ready an hour ahead of time (and if you're 'done' that far in advance, how do you ever serve a hot meal?  I usually put finishing touches on things while chatting over the appetizers - but I'm dressed and relaxed by then).  But because you're so efficient, that doesn't mean the rest of us who are not so hyper-prepared should welcome you while we're still in the middle of things.  On time to 15 minutes late is about right.

Edited May 31, 2016 by Matryoshka

[heartlikealion]

 

One year I had to call our Thanksgiving guests and beg them to come an hour earlier than planned, because I had overestimated the cooking time of the turkey and dinner was getting close to ready.

 

I'm sure it happens, it was just that I was across town and got a call from dh basically saying, "we're about to eat. Everyone is waiting on you" because his side of the family was there and I was visiting my parents. We're always jumping back and forth between houses when we go visit for the holidays. 

 

 

Um, that's why you put out appetizers and offer people drinks when they arrive!

 

I don't want to fill up on appetizers, but I would gladly try something if I was offered. Most dinners I attend are just between families, not a "dinner party" so maybe my comments aren't applicable. We're also in the habit of telling the kids not to eat because dinner is almost ready so I would have to be sneaky if I ate a snack before the meal lol.

[ktgrok]

Even just between families we have drinks and appetizers if people are coming over. Partly to give a buffer of time in case someone does show up late (with a legitimate reason, i'm sure). Also, the snacks are out so you aren't drinking wine on an empty stomach. Not everyone has the snacks. I often don't. My husband always does. Not everyone has an alcoholic beverage, I almost never do. the kids have crackers as they fly by, then run outside to play. 

[Seasider]

no

 

eta: dh's business networking group is the one where booze is most prevelant. we also leave early as people start to get drunk. (especially after the shots start.)

That's too bad. A nice glass of wine that complements a leisurely meal is a treat. Tossing back shots and getting flat drunk is rather more bar room like behavior. Not my idea of a nice dinner party at all!

[OneStepAtATime]

So the message I am getting from this thread is that if a guest does something differently than the host/hostess expects (even if those expectations are not clearly communicated in a lot of detail) the guest is automatically "rude" even if their own upbringing/culture is different and they are trying to do what they understand to be the right thing?

[catz]

So the message I am getting from this thread is that if a guest does something differently than the host/hostess expects (even if those expectations are not clearly communicated in a lot of detail) the guest is automatically "rude" even if their own upbringing/culture is different and they are trying to do what they understand to be the right thing?

I really don't think that is the message.  I think people get momentarily irritated by many things over the course of a week and move on.  If someone arrived more than 10 minutes early or late to my house, I might be minorly annoyed but I'd move on quickly and my guest would never know the difference.  I do think it's possible to be unclear in an invite.  If I invite people for dinner I might say why don't you come about 4:30 and we'll eat about 6.  That sets an expectation about when to expect food (although we put out some light savory appetizers usually) and when I plan it like that, it's much easier to roll with whatever time they end up showing up. 

 

For someone I've known for a while, I just know what to expect and how to invite them.  There are a few people I consider very good friends that I just don't bother to invite to extremely time dependent events. 

[TravelingChris]

 We are retired military and we didn't arrive early to balls and such events.  We also didn't arrive early for dinner parties whether the people were military or not.  I was taught to be about ten minutes late and that is what I try to do.  It will be interesting to see when people come next month when we are having a gathering at our house. At our gathering, I will only be serving appetizers and dessert items, so I will be prepared before the event.  But if it was a dinner, I would certainly not like people to be early/

[poppy]

So the message I am getting from this thread is that if a guest does something differently than the host/hostess expects (even if those expectations are not clearly communicated in a lot of detail) the guest is automatically "rude" even if their own upbringing/culture is different and they are trying to do what they understand to be the right thing?

 

Nope. The message is, don't show up early to a party or dinner. It's rude.

[OneStepAtATime]

I really don't think that is the message.  I think people get momentarily irritated by many things over the course of a week and move on.  If someone arrived more than 10 minutes early or late to my house, I might be minorly annoyed but I'd move on quickly and my guest would never know the difference.  I do think it's possible to be unclear in an invite.  If I invite people for dinner I might say why don't you come about 4:30 and we'll eat about 6.  That sets an expectation about when to expect food (although we put out some light savory appetizers usually) and when I plan it like that, it's much easier to roll with whatever time they end up showing up. 

 

For someone I've known for a while, I just know what to expect and how to invite them.  There are a few people I consider very good friends that I just don't bother to invite to extremely time dependent events. 

I would hope that was the reaction.  :)  That's how I normally am (although showing up hours late REALLY bugged me when I first moved to my current area but that IS considered the norm for certain subcultures here). I'm reading this thread and thinking, wow, there are a LOT of different views on what is appropriate/expected.  

[OneStepAtATime]

Nope. The message is, don't show up early to a party or dinner. It's rude.

And yet, for some apparently that is not considered rude.  It is the norm for how they were brought up and not showing up a bit early would be rude.  For others, showing up on time is rude but showing up a tad late is considered the norm/expected.  And for some, you should expect to sit down immediately to dinner but for others it is understood that the meal with be later and maybe MUCH later.  And for some the idea of appetizers and aperitifs are the norm while others have never even heard of such a thing.

 

My point is that it appears there are a WIDE range of expectations/norms.  What would be rude for one person might not be for the next.  

[Matryoshka]

I don't want to fill up on appetizers, but I would gladly try something if I was offered. Most dinners I attend are just between families, not a "dinner party" so maybe my comments aren't applicable. We're also in the habit of telling the kids not to eat because dinner is almost ready so I would have to be sneaky if I ate a snack before the meal lol.

 

Most dinners I attend are also between families, or just my extended family.  There are always appetizers of some kind (often just chips/salsa or hummus) and drinks of some kind (often not alcoholic) offered.  

 

We just had a cook-out potluck over at my brother's last weekend.  Everyone had chips and salsa and various drinks and chatted before we sat down to eat the meal at least an hour later.

[Matryoshka]

And yet, for some apparently that is not considered rude.  It is the norm for how they were brought up and not showing up a bit early would be rude.  For others, showing up on time is rude but showing up a tad late is considered the norm/expected.  And for some, you should expect to sit down immediately to dinner but for others it is understood that the meal with be later and maybe MUCH later.  And for some the idea of appetizers and aperitifs are the norm while others have never even heard of such a thing.

 

I can't think it's ever rude to be ON TIME.  I can't imagine why people think it's fun to surprise the hostess when she's not prepared.  If you have a compulsive need to not be late, or your 'culture' says it's horribly wrong, then show up ON TIME.  I don't care about the 'convention' in an area, there are still surely lots of people even in those areas not so perfect that can't get everything ready for their guests 30 min or more ahead of time.  Or even 5 min ahead of time.  Give the poor hostess time to get it together.  You are invited into a person's home starting at a certain time, not before. That's when the party is 'open for business.' Find me a Manners book from any time in history or any part of the country that says it's not rude to show up early to an event at someone's home.

 

Do you show up at the grocery store an hour before they open and expect to be let in?

 

Sure, get to your doctor's appointment or your interview early, or get to a meeting with a friend at a public place early, arrive early for your train or plane or bus departure.  Do not come early to someone's home for a party, for heaven's sake.  It's not the same thing.

 

If you really have a 'thing' among your nearest and dearest that arriving early is preferred, well, that's fine.  But if you're invited to the home of someone new, just don't get there early.  Arrive ON TIME if it makes you fidgety to be late.

[poppy]

And yet, for some apparently that is not considered rude. It is the norm for how they were brought up and not showing up a bit early would be rude. For others, showing up on time is rude but showing up a tad late is considered the norm/expected. And for some, you should expect to sit down immediately to dinner but for others it is understood that the meal with be later and maybe MUCH later. And for some the idea of appetizers and aperitifs are the norm while others have never even heard of such a thing.

 

My point is that it appears there are a WIDE range of expectations/norms. What would be rude for one person might not be for the next.

I don't think so. There are q wide range of preferences, but , that's not the same thing as a wide range of good manners.

There are people who enjoy being early for their own personal comfort. That doesn't make it polite. It is considered bad manners by many. Same with being late.

 

It is never wrong to be on time, give or take 5 minutes or so. It is atypical in some social circles , but never outright rude.

[Zinnia]

Slightly introverted here.  Another reason to show up 10 min "late"  is the hope that someone is already there or is arriving en mass and can share the responsibility of conversation to help ease into the evening.  Nice glass of wine helps too!

 

Yes!  Being the first one at a party is like a fresh sort of hell.  Just awful.

[marbel]

And yet, for some apparently that is not considered rude.  It is the norm for how they were brought up and not showing up a bit early would be rude.  For others, showing up on time is rude but showing up a tad late is considered the norm/expected.  And for some, you should expect to sit down immediately to dinner but for others it is understood that the meal with be later and maybe MUCH later.  And for some the idea of appetizers and aperitifs are the norm while others have never even heard of such a thing.

 

My point is that it appears there are a WIDE range of expectations/norms.  What would be rude for one person might not be for the next.  

 

I agree that there are some cultural differences with regard to arrival times.  But I don't get what the other things (bolded) have to do with when people should show up?  

[kewb]

Um, that's why you put out appetizers and offer people drinks when they arrive!

 

I've never, ever been to any kind of dinner, even the most casual with family, where we don't have munchies and something to drink (alcoholic or not) and mingle and chat for ah hour or so before sitting down to eat. This includes Thanksgiving, potlucks with ladies from church or with homeschooling friends, birthdays, everything. I've literally never heard of just getting in the door and sitting down to eat. That's just bizarre.

 

And the arrival time assumes that. The 'time to arrive' is NOT the same as 'time to eat' - the mingling time is mixed in - if it's a sit-down dinner, the host might mention arrive at X, we'll plan to eat at Y. But if one time is given, that's arrival.

 

I am always rushing to get things done at the last minute. I'd be another one caught in sweats with messy hair and no makeup if guests arrived that early. It is, indeed, very very rude, and that's why. The hostess is supposed to have the time before arrival to finish preparations. Goody for all of you who are so perfectly prepared that you can get things ready an hour ahead of time (and if you're 'done' that far in advance, how do you ever serve a hot meal? I usually put finishing touches on things while chatting over the appetizers - but I'm dressed and relaxed by then). But because you're so efficient, that doesn't mean the rest of us who are not so hyper-prepared should welcome you while we're still in the middle of things. On time to 15 minutes late is about right.

I don't expect anyone else to live up to my expectations of efficiency. Most early birds do not ring the bell until arrival time. I would be quite mortified if I showed up on time and my host was not ready.

 

As for the hot meal, depending on what it being served, I will prepare as much as possible in advance and reheat when needed. The foods I prepare the day of the event are the ones that don't keep, such as the salad.

[gypsymama]

I agree that there are some cultural differences with regard to arrival times.  But I don't get what the other things (bolded) have to do with when people should show up?  

 

If the invitation is for 6pm and guests expect dinner to be served AT 6 then they need to be sure to arrive at that time or earlier. If it will be later when dinner is served and the first hour or so is time to socialize/cocktail hour then there's some give in the arrival time since there is still time before dinner is served. If dinner is served AT 6 then you can't be even 10 min late without being a disruption. This would encourage people showing up before the time listed to be sure they were there on time and could get greeted, seated and settled in in time.

[poppy]

I do not understand why you would ask guests to arrive at 6 if you expected them to be seated at 6? 

As in "Please join us for a dinner party, 6pm".  and hot dinner is on the table and guests are seated at 6? That happens?

 

 

[Bluegoat]

LOL maybe it was just the group we knew then. :)

 

I think it was partly generational.  The younger people were following the social rules, the older ones the military custom.  But the social aspect of the military, at least here in Canada, has changed some over the years.  People are much less likely to live in base housing, or do all their socializing with other military people.

[regentrude]

I do not understand why you would ask guests to arrive at 6 if you expected them to be seated at 6? 

As in "Please join us for a dinner party, 6pm".  and hot dinner is on the table and guests are seated at 6? That happens?

 

When I invite for dinner parties at 8pm, my guest arrive beginning at 8:01, greet, get seated, get a drink; the last person is seated and first course served by 8:10. Of course I am not setting the hot food on the table until the guest are, actually, in the house.

[ktgrok]

When I invite for dinner parties at 8pm, my guest arrive beginning at 8:01, greet, get seated, get a drink; the last person is seated and first course served by 8:10. Of course I am not setting the hot food on the table until the guest are, actually, in the house.

 

This is so foreign to me I can't even picture it. To me it sounds more like dinner reservations at a restaurant than a dinner party. 

 

Not doubting you, just never heard of this. 

 

What area of the country are you in, maybe that is it?

[Bluegoat]

So the message I am getting from this thread is that if a guest does something differently than the host/hostess expects (even if those expectations are not clearly communicated in a lot of detail) the guest is automatically "rude" even if their own upbringing/culture is different and they are trying to do what they understand to be the right thing?

 

Noo - I wouldn't say that, I think most people know that people aren't usually rude on purpose.. 

 

I would say though, that not every impression about what is appropriate is necessarily equally "true" - what people have learned from family doesn't always apply. (Families are all different and have their own traditions that can't be assumed to be applicable, or understood, by others.  To some extent this also applies within groups where the people decide for reasons of their own to do things a particular way) 

 

I think, apart from the military example, that in North America, the social rule about timing is actually pretty standardized.

[marbel]

If the invitation is for 6pm and guests expect dinner to be served AT 6 then they need to be sure to arrive at that time or earlier. If it will be later when dinner is served and the first hour or so is time to socialize/cocktail hour then there's some give in the arrival time since there is still time before dinner is served. If dinner is served AT 6 then you can't be even 10 min late without being a disruption. This would encourage people showing up before the time listed to be sure they were there on time and could get greeted, seated and settled in in time.

 

Yeah, I guess this has come up before.  I keep forgetting that people have said they extend an invitation for 6pm and expect everyone to be there and seated by 6pm.  I've never experienced it.  Honestly that seems like a lot of pressure on host and guests alike, to have to be so perfectly prompt.  I mean, if everyone knows it, it's fine.  In a case where the meal is time-sensitive, I would still stick with saying something like "dinner will be ready at 6, come on over anytime after 5" so everyone has a little breathing room. I don't want my guests to be stressed out if they are running a few minutes late.  I also don't want to be held to an exact serving time in case something goes wrong with the cooking, unless there is something going on after dinner which requires us to be done at a certain time.

 

Once a month I have a lunch for people who participate in a ministry endeavor.  We have to be somewhere after lunch. So lunch is prompt, but latecomers will still get fed.   And because of the type of lunch it is - it's social but also  kind of like a business lunch, in a way, because of time constraints.  Business meals are different than purely social meals, I think. 

 

Edited June 1, 2016 by marbel

[Bluegoat]

Yeah, I guess this has come up before.  I keep forgetting that people have said they extend an invitation for 6pm and expect everyone to be there and seated by 6pm.  I've never experienced it.  Honestly that seems like a lot of pressure on host and guests alike, to have to be so perfectly prompt.  I mean, if everyone knows it, it's fine.  In a case where the meal is time-sensitive, I would still stick with saying something like "dinner will be ready at 6, come on over anytime after 5" so everyone has a little breathing room.  And that is what I am used to.

 

 

I've only ever seen this done in family or extended family situations.  My Nana wold say dinner at 5 and it really was at 5.  Family usually showed up around 4:30.  But we all knew that they always ate at 5.

 

If she's been inviting strangers and said that, she would likely have been out of luck as they would have not been in the know. 

[regentrude]

This is so foreign to me I can't even picture it. To me it sounds more like dinner reservations at a restaurant than a dinner party. 

 

Not doubting you, just never heard of this. 

 

What area of the country are you in, maybe that is it?

 

Midwest.

And it's way quicker than a dinner reservation at a restaurant, LOL.

Trust me, we have awesome parties. Lots of conversation, good wine, yummy food, people sit for hours and love to come back :)

But also, please note the time on our invitation: we do dinner at 8pm.

 

When I invite for a backyard bbq at 5pm, there is extended socializing before the first brats are ready. At 8, people want to eat. And I don't really want to cook the entire meal with my guests watching. (We don't do foods that lend themselves to being pre-cooked and reheated, as a pp does. It's stuff that has to be fresh out of the pan and onto the plate within minutes.)

 

We have a friend who invites for dinner and at that time slowly begins cutting up the ingredients... it takes two hours before there is food more substantial than the nuts and cheese he sets out.

Edited June 1, 2016 by regentrude

[ktgrok]

Midwest.

And it's way quicker than a dinner reservation at a restaurant, LOL.

Trust me, we have awesome parties. Lots of conversation, good wine, yummy food, people sit for hours and love to come back :)

But also, please note the time on our invitation: we do dinner at 8pm.

 

When I invite for a backyard bbq at 5pm, there is extended socializing before the first brats are ready. At 8, people want to eat. And I don't really want to cook the entire meal with my guests watching. (We don't do foods that lend themselves to being pre-cooked and reheated, as a pp does. It's stuff that has to be fresh out of the pan and onto the plate within minutes.)

 

We have a friend who invites for dinner and at that time slowly begins cutting up the ingredients... it takes two hours before there is food more substantial than the nuts and cheese he sets out.

 

LOL, I was going to guess midwest! I have no idea why, but it sounds like a midwestern thing. 

 

[8circles]

This is one example of why I hate etiquette. There's all these unwritten rules except nobody has the same rulebook (certainly not anymore in our blended cultures).

 

If I'm sending out a written invitation, I'm clear about the start time and expect people to arrive as close to that time as they can. Benefit of the doubt if they aren't ON TIME, either way. If I invite someone in-person, I'll also be very clear about what time they should arrive and explain any pertinent details. "Come at 5 and we'll chat and have munchies before dinner at 6".

 

In the OP, I understand why you didn't just excuse yourself for a few minutes to get changed?

 

I gotta say I'm always so disturbed by comments like "don't arrive early or people will think you're too-eager/don't have anything else to do/are desperate". How disgusting.

Have a party, but don't expect anyone to be really excited to come. I'd be thrilled if people were so excited to come that they had to try hard to not be so early. What a compliment!

[poppy]

This is one example of why I hate etiquette. There's all these unwritten rules except nobody has the same rulebook (certainly not anymore in our blended cultures).

 

If I'm sending out a written invitation, I'm clear about the start time and expect people to arrive as close to that time as they can. Benefit of the doubt if they aren't ON TIME, either way. If I invite someone in-person, I'll also be very clear about what time they should arrive and explain any pertinent details. "Come at 5 and we'll chat and have munchies before dinner at 6".

 

In the OP, I understand why you didn't just excuse yourself for a few minutes to get changed?

 

I gotta say I'm always so disturbed by comments like "don't arrive early or people will think you're too-eager/don't have anything else to do/are desperate". How disgusting.

Have a party, but don't expect anyone to be really excited to come. I'd be thrilled if people were so excited to come that they had to try hard to not be so early. What a compliment!

 

It's not about "too eager" it's about "I'm not ready!"    I mean, if you showed up early to your doctor , your mechanic, your hair appointment...... at least there would be a waiting room. Expecting your host to be dressed and ready for you in their home before the invite (before you are invited to come) is imposing.

[poppy]

I've only ever seen this done in family or extended family situations.  My Nana wold say dinner at 5 and it really was at 5.  Family usually showed up around 4:30.  But we all knew that they always ate at 5.

 

If she's been inviting strangers and said that, she would likely have been out of luck as they would have not been in the know. 

 

Yeah, Grandma's long family is a whole different ball game.   

[8circles]

It's not about "too eager" it's about "I'm not ready!"    I mean, if you showed up early to your doctor , your mechanic, your hair appointment...... at least there would be a waiting room. Expecting your host to be dressed and ready for you in their home before the invite (before you are invited to come) is imposing.

 

No, I get that. I was responding to the comments that *did* say arriving early made you look bad for the stated reasons.  I couldn't quote on my phone.

[poppy]

When I invite for dinner parties at 8pm, my guest arrive beginning at 8:01, greet, get seated, get a drink; the last person is seated and first course served by 8:10. Of course I am not setting the hot food on the table until the guest are, actually, in the house.

 

I've personally never been to a party where that happened at the table, but, it doesn't sound bad! Having hors d'oeuvres a few minutes after arrival followed by a hot meal sounds standard, honestly. Assuming your first course is basically finger foods.

[catz]

LOL, I was going to guess midwest! I have no idea why, but it sounds like a midwestern thing. 

 

Interesting, I'm in the midwest and we definitely have never done the sit down immediately and eat sort of thing.  My parents never entertained like that either.   And it was never about fancy and there were always appetizers out which I think of as first course and not "meal spoiling".  It's not like we put out cake and boxes of candy. 

 

My in-laws do though.  I don't really like how they entertain.  It's like sit down immediately and quietly eat.  And then sit around and look at each other until someone makes a break for the door.  Boring.  No chance of wine at those events either.  LOL.  They're the only people I know locally who invite people over like this though.  And part of it is a personality thing for them.  They aren't chatty or interested in what we're doing at all.

Edited June 1, 2016 by WoolySocks

[Bluegoat]

No, I get that. I was responding to the comments that *did* say arriving early made you look bad for the stated reasons.  I couldn't quote on my phone.

 

Well, there are some weird social signals out there for all kinds of things.  I'd be surprised to meet anyone who really thought that here, but maybe in a culture with very specific ideas about social status.

 

I think a more applicable reason in our cultutre is that it gives the host a little grace if they happen to be running a bit late.

[zoobie]

No, I get that. I was responding to the comments that *did* say arriving early made you look bad for the stated reasons.  I couldn't quote on my phone.

 

The ones I read said something along the lines of "my mother told me not to because..."  Not that they personally believed these adages, but that stuck in their heads.

[Guest]

Yes! Being the first one at a party is like a fresh sort of hell. Just awful.

I went to a wedding once where they called up the first people that responded to the wedding invites up to the dance floor and basically laughed at them. I always got an invite and returned them immediately, so of course, I was called up there. Absolutely mortified. I still don't understand why they did that, but I never send my responses back immediately anymore!

[zoobie]

I went to a wedding once where they called up the first people that responded to the wedding invites up to the dance floor and basically laughed at them. I always got an invite and returned them immediately, so of course, I was called up there. Absolutely mortified. I still don't understand why they did that, but I never send my responses back immediately anymore!

 

:eek:  :eek:  :eek:  I don't think I would ever be able to speak to them again. I probably would've run out of the wedding after that! What the what?!?!

[Matryoshka]

It's not about "too eager" it's about "I'm not ready!"    I mean, if you showed up early to your doctor , your mechanic, your hair appointment...... at least there would be a waiting room. Expecting your host to be dressed and ready for you in their home before the invite (before you are invited to come) is imposing.

 

This.

 

This is one example of why I hate etiquette.

 

Etiquette is NOT supposed to be making it about you.  It's not about shaming you.  It supposed to be about the other person.  About making the other person feel comfortable.  

 

There is no way showing up more than 5 minutes before the designated arrival time is about making the other person comfortable.  Many people on this thread have said they arrive early because of their anxiety.  So, about them.  You're supposed to be thinking about the other person.  Yes, this can go wrong as well, because The Golden Rule is imperfect - sometimes what you would like is the opposite of what others would like.  But really, even if you like getting your house all ready an hour before your guests are supposed to arrive, do you really expect everyone else is the same?  And if you like getting the house ready so early so you can relax before guests arrive, even for you if guests arrived early it would rob you of that time you set aside.

[heartlikealion]

What kind of appetizers are people having? I'm just curious. If we show up to eat at a family member's house they might have nuts out or we know we could dig in the cupboards if we absolutely had to, but it might look rude because we're not usually super early. Appetizers just seems like extra work, like above and beyond for a casual family meal. But if you put out cheese and crackers or a veggie tray I suppose that isn't so much work. I really only remember stuff like that on a holiday where we're potentially visiting all morning before the main meal.

 

This thread made me think of Gilmore Girls. To me those family dinners are so formal. That's just not at all how our family is.

 

 

[regentrude]

What kind of appetizers are people having? I'm just curious. If we show up to eat at a family member's house they might have nuts out or we know we could dig in the cupboards if we absolutely had to, but it might look rude because we're not usually super early. Appetizers just seems like extra work, like above and beyond for a casual family meal. But if you put out cheese and crackers or a veggie tray I suppose that isn't so much work. I really only remember stuff like that on a holiday where we're potentially visiting all morning before the main meal.

 

When I invite for a sit-down dinner, we do not do appetizers. There may be a soup or salad as a first course, but no nibbles.​

In my home culture, the appetizer as part of a multi course dinner does not exist; the meal begins with soup and/or salad, followed by the main dish, desert, and maybe a cheese/fruit platter.

 

We do lots of receptions where the only food served is appetizers/nibbles: chips&dip, veggie platers, cheese&bread, mini quiches , savory profiteroles, crostini. I would serve none of these before a full meal.

Edited June 1, 2016 by regentrude

[KungFuPanda]

I teach a classes out of my home three times a week. With that number of people, you're going to get an early bird, or someone who comes straight from work and didn't plan to be 15 minutes early, or someone who manages to avoid the normally heavy traffic. It used to make me crazy because I was so last-minute.

 

I solved the problem by being ready 30 minutes before class or company. That thirty minutes makes my life so peaceful. I can usually just sit and relax, but if I get an early arrival it's ok. It was SO much easier up change my own habits than it was to get annoyed about a few minutes on the other side of my appointed start time.

[marbel]

What kind of appetizers are people having? I'm just curious. If we show up to eat at a family member's house they might have nuts out or we know we could dig in the cupboards if we absolutely had to, but it might look rude because we're not usually super early. Appetizers just seems like extra work, like above and beyond for a casual family meal. But if you put out cheese and crackers or a veggie tray I suppose that isn't so much work. I really only remember stuff like that on a holiday where we're potentially visiting all morning before the main meal.

 

This thread made me think of Gilmore Girls. To me those family dinners are so formal. That's just not at all how our family is.

 

Some appetizers I have served or been served:

 

hummus, pita bread, fresh vegetables

tortilla chips and salsa

bruschetta

cheese and crackers

shrimp cocktail

sausages in puff pastry

 

Basically anything that can be eaten as a finger food

 

It is usually a small amount, unless it is a cocktail party-type gathering, when it's all appetizers and no sit-down meal.

 

The more formal and complex the meal, the more complex and "nicer" the appetizers.  But I don't equate all appetizers with formality.  Sometimes I will set out a cheese/cracker/vegetable plate on a weeknight but for most family dinners (as in, my little household) we wouldn't have anything before dinner.  On a day-to-day basis it is enough for me to get dinner on the table.  Company, whether for a formal or casual event, is different. 

 

I like to offer guests a drink immediately upon arrival, and have some little bite to eat.  If nothing else, it helps people get settled, gives them something to do as they meet other people. 

 

 

 

[ktgrok]

What kind of appetizers are people having? I'm just curious. If we show up to eat at a family member's house they might have nuts out or we know we could dig in the cupboards if we absolutely had to, but it might look rude because we're not usually super early. Appetizers just seems like extra work, like above and beyond for a casual family meal. But if you put out cheese and crackers or a veggie tray I suppose that isn't so much work. I really only remember stuff like that on a holiday where we're potentially visiting all morning before the main meal.

 

This thread made me think of Gilmore Girls. To me those family dinners are so formal. That's just not at all how our family is.

 

At my moms it is always her seasoned oyster crackers because the kids love them, and usually some cheese and crackers, and probably a bowl of olives and/or pickles. Sometimes chips and dip. 

 

At my sister's house usually chips, salsa, maybe a round of brie heated up with some jam and crackers. 

 

At my house, hummus and pita chips, or chips and salsa, maybe goat cheese and crackers, just depends what the meal is going to be.