Dd wants to go to school

[Davysmom]

Dd (9th next year) wants to go to school. She always has. She wants to ride the bus, have a locker, and hang out with her friends. She is obsessing about it, and her attitude is terrible. But I know it's not what she thinks it is or what she is looking for. She can't move past something until she tries it. She is really obsessed with trying it. Trying school means some big sacrifices for the family. We do an academic homeschool co-op. Due to times and locations, we can't do both school and co-op. All of our kids would have to drop co-op. If we drop co-op, we may not be able to get back in. It's full with a wait list. Missing a few weeks would set everyone back academically, and I have responsibilities in it. So it's a big decision to stop this year or not do it next year.

 

Dd romanticizes everything. She wanted to play soccer, field hockey, softball, volleyball, do gymnastics, karate, dance, horseback riding, play guitar, piano, violin, learn Chinese, French, Spanish etc.. She wants that team camaraderie or to have that skill, but at the rec levels, you just don't get that. She is not willing to do the hard work to acquire the skill or move past rec level that because she doesn't really want to do that activity. She does have this in one program she is very active in and in our homeschool group. I'm happy to let dc try things to find an interest, but you will see that season through. For dd, 2 weeks in, and she wants to quit. So the remainder of the time is miserable (for me!)

 

Recently, she decided she wanted to try a new activity. I actually made her wait 2 years before I would sign her up because it was so expensive and far away. I made her help pay for it. And 2 weeks in.... I was driving an hour each way for her to not want to go. :cursing:

 

We live rurally. Our high school isn't great. She'd be taking her core academic classes online at the HS. They aren't live classes either. So basically school on the computer. They can't offer the number of classes they need due to space and budget, so they offer them online. And none of her friends go to our local HS anyway! 

 

We can't afford the private school 2 of her friends go to, and even if we could, I can't make the 30 mile drive one way to the closest one twice a day. Her friends all live much closer to the school than we do. Most of her friends are homeschooled or part of this program she is in but they don't live in our district. So she wouldn't see then at school.

 

She is grumpy and difficult all day snapping at everyone because she wants to go to school. I am ready to send her to boarding school. (I actually did suggest that because there is one an hour away that she could get a scholarship for, and I wouldn't have to drive her everyday. She could come home 3 days a week. It would have everything she was looking for even friends. We even went to visit, but she doesn't want to go there.)

 

Part of me wants to just send her and let her experience it for the year, and part of knows how miserable it will be as soon as she decides she doesn't want to be there because it's not just hanging out with friends all day. She can't see what she would be giving up. And she can't get past this Disney idea of what high school looks like.

 

This comes up every year, but it is getting worse and worse every year.

I don't know what to do. I need some ideas.

Edited April 1, 2016 by Davysmom

[Guest2]

Hugs! There will be a lot of opinions on your thread,and of course you should do what is best for your family. Our kids get to choose where they want to go for college, though if we are paying for it, their choices are more limited. We wouldn't think of allowing a ninth grader to make this high school decision, though we would entertain well thought out arguments. Kids have input, put parents make the decisions.

 

Could she shadow a student for a week to take the bloom off the rose, or would that make it worse? I don' t know if this is true for you, but I find I need to renew my commitment to boundaries during this time. Kids have all kinds of strong emotions and opinions, I respect that, but they don't get to treat people however they feel if they don't get their way. It is also a great time to develop commmunity service as the desire to be or do something greater is very strong.

Edited March 31, 2016 by Silver Brook

[Chrysalis Academy]

:grouphug:  I have no advice, but my rising 5th grader is in the same place, so I sympathize. 

[JoJosMom]

That's tough, OP.  It sounds like at least some of what you're dealing with is the age.  That whole late-elementary to early-high school is just rough; I think it hits different kids at different ages (and in differing levels.) 

 

I don't have any advice; I'll just join in the hugs.  FWIW, I would NOT allow one child's decision to negatively impact all the others so badly (i.e. I wouldn't ruin co-op for the others to let DD go to school.)

[Mom22ns]

I'm all for letting high school students choose, they can be impossible to educate without buy in. However, in your case, it sounds like the price for the family would be too high. I don't think all your other kids should have to give up coop for her. Of course this is your decision and you are the only one that can make it. 

 

Best of luck in whatever you decide.

[ebrindam]

Is there a bus she can take to school so your other kids can still go to co-op?

[Haiku]

I would not sacrifice the well-being of the rest of the family for one child's desires, especially when that child has a demonstrated history of being whim-driven.

 

I would tell dd that school is not an option so she knows for certain that being attitude-y will not get her what she wants. Then I would embark on a program of improving her attitude.

[Arcadia]

. She does have this in one program she is very active in and in our homeschool group.

Can she ramp up on that one program she is very active in?

 

She might just have too much energy, nowhere to focus it, and start thinking of all the what ifs as the possible solution to her "boredom". Being done with an activity after 2 weeks sounds more like someone who doesn't know what she wants and is just hoping something works.

 

Team camaraderie is tricky. It may not happen even if your daughter has push herself to excel and make the team. Would hosting regular/weekly playdates help?

 

I would look at carpooling if she wants to try high school because you have her siblings' needs to worry about too.

[cuckoomamma]

It sounds as if the aspect she's looking for is the social interaction she believes will be part of the high school experience. Maybe taking part in a summer camp, even one that is academically based, would help to either provide that or dispel her perceptions.

 

Spending several weeks away with the reality of teen social interactions may help her to appreciate her chance to homeschool. Our dd spends a portion of the summer in something similar and has said it's not only given her perspective on not wanting to attend high school but she doesn't want to live in a dorm in college. She loves much of her summer experience, but she's very aware of the social pressures, as well.

[Davysmom]

Hugs! There will be a lot of opinions on your thread,and of course you should do what is best for your family. Our kids get to choose where they want to go for college, though if we are paying for it, their choices are more limited. We wouldn't think of allowing a ninth grader to make this high school decision, though we would entertain well thought out arguments. Kids have input, put parents make the decisions.

 

Could she shadow a student for a week to take the bloom off the rose, or would that make it worse? I don' t know if this is true for you, but I find I need to renew my commitment to boundaries during this time. Kids have all kinds of strong emotions and opinions, I respect that, but they don't get to treat people however they feel if they don't get their way. It is also a great time to develop commmunity service as the desire to be or do something greater is very strong.

This is similar to where we are at. This has prompted a lot of thoughts about what is going on with her.

 

I would love to have her shadow a student for a week. I am going to ask. I really don't think they will, but it would be great. I will at least go for a visit.

 

That commitment to boundaries really makes me think about the conversations we have been having. I think this is all coming up again because we have been talking about plans for next year. I think she may be feeling some angst over it. And she is needing some direction and focus.

 

 

:grouphug:  I have no advice, but my rising 5th grader is in the same place, so I sympathize. 

That's tough, OP.  It sounds like at least some of what you're dealing with is the age.  That whole late-elementary to early-high school is just rough; I think it hits different kids at different ages (and in differing levels.) 

 

I don't have any advice; I'll just join in the hugs.  FWIW, I would NOT allow one child's decision to negatively impact all the others so badly (i.e. I wouldn't ruin co-op for the others to let DD go to school.)

 

I'm all for letting high school students choose, they can be impossible to educate without buy in. However, in your case, it sounds like the price for the family would be too high. I don't think all your other kids should have to give up coop for her. Of course this is your decision and you are the only one that can make it. 

 

Best of luck in whatever you decide.

It is the age! Having her accept and be happy with the choice makes all the difference at this age, but you are right. I can't ask everyone else to give up what they want for her. Thanks for the encouragement!

 

 

 

Is there a bus she can take to school so your other kids can still go to co-op?

There is, but it would be about a mile walk. And I don't like her doing that when no one is around. I am the only one of our 4 neighbors who is home during the day. We would be gone before the bus and back after it. I don't like the idea her walking to/from the bus with no one around. If the weather is bad, it would be tough. If we were in a neighborhood, it wouldn't bother me.

[Davysmom]

I would not sacrifice the well-being of the rest of the family for one child's desires, especially when that child has a demonstrated history of being whim-driven.

 

I would tell dd that school is not an option so she knows for certain that being attitude-y will not get her what she wants. Then I would embark on a program of improving her attitude.

Very good advice! I need to be reminded of that! Thanks!

 

 

 

Can she ramp up on that one program she is very active in?

 

She might just have too much energy, nowhere to focus it, and start thinking of all the what ifs as the possible solution to her "boredom". Being done with an activity after 2 weeks sounds more like someone who doesn't know what she wants and is just hoping something works.

 

Team camaraderie is tricky. It may not happen even if your daughter has push herself to excel and make the team. Would hosting regular/weekly playdates help?

 

I would look at carpooling if she wants to try high school because you have her siblings' needs to worry about too.

She can do a lot more with the program. They are gearing up for a very busy season. She needs to fully understand that she couldn't do as much with this if she were in school. But she is not seeing that.

 

I don't think she is bored. She is so busy - maybe too busy? She also has a grass is greener problem. Things are always better somewhere else. Then she sees it is not and is happy where she is at until the next time. Her social life is so busy. She is with her friends on a regular basis, but it's usually just one or two at a time. It's not often they can all get together. She has more invites than she can keep up with. She is a really good friend, and she is invited to everything. We have 2 friends who invite her on vacation every summer...because she is so delightful! Haha!! :huh: She is either happy and wonderful or miserable with nothing in between!

 

She knows what she is looking for. She just doesn't know where to find it. She wants to have her "thing" with a group of friends. I personally  think she won't find it until college. She is very very mature for her age. And she wants a groups of friends who are like that. She has a neat group of friends but they all have different interests. They all do activities without each other.

 

Her brother is a "football player", her sister is a musician, her other siblings are young. She doesn't have a "thing" if that makes sense. She how ever has wide and varied interests. She likes to try new things, and she isn't afraid of them. But she is also so emotionally extreme!

 

 

It sounds as if the aspect she's looking for is the social interaction she believes will be part of the high school experience. Maybe taking part in a summer camp, even one that is academically based, would help to either provide that or dispel her perceptions.

 

Spending several weeks away with the reality of teen social interactions may help her to appreciate her chance to homeschool. Our dd spends a portion of the summer in something similar and has said it's not only given her perspective on not wanting to attend high school but she doesn't want to live in a dorm in college. She loves much of her summer experience, but she's very aware of the social pressures, as well.

 

For the last 4 years, she has gone away for a week each summer with the program she is involved in. It drives her desire to in a dorm setting or school setting. She wants to hold on to that experience longer. She can't wait to live in a dorm!! But I agree that she isn't really seeing the reality of it all at this point. She is still seeing the fun and everyone getting along side of it.

 

I will look for a different program to give her a more varied experience. Thanks for the thoughts.

 

 

 

[shanezomom]

My friend's son decided the same thing last year for high school. I would say his 3 motivations were the "coolness factor" of public school kids, he wanted to be more of his own person away from what he saw as the constraints imposed during the school day by his mother, and his irritation at being home with two younger siblings. His co-op buddies all tried to talk him out of it, along with most adults in his homeschool circle. His mother was very disappointed in his choice even though they butt heads and there can be friction between them. His father was okay with his choice. This is in a mega-huge suburban school district that is well regarded academically. 

 

The experience from his mother's perspective: The students are herded through the day in a very regimented manner. Bell rings, students move to next class, door closes and no one is allowed outside the room without a hall pass. All decision making has been removed. She said it's very intimidating for a parent to go into the building with the security checks at the door and reporting in the office, etc. 

 

My take on it: He traded in the flexibility of his schedule for a 6:45 am bus pick-up, and loads of homework and very little down time. This boy is friendly and approachable but because of the hustle to get to and from class and the sheer volume of bodies, he has not become close to any new kids. His friendships are still with his homeschool friends. The academics have worked out okay and he chose to stick with it this year for 10th grade, based more on pride I think, than love of the place. He has joined the track team which he enjoys. We still see him all the time but I don't hear him talk about school except when asked.  

 

When you described your dd's past choices and outcomes, along with the sacrifice your family will need to make to enable her decision, public school doesn't sound like an option. What do your other kids think? It sounds like you've bent over backwards to help her explore her interests and if you have no evidence that this time will be any different, than why put you and your other kids through that again? You have much more patience than the parents I  hang out with! 

 

Keep us posted, whatever you decide! If you need encouragement to just say no, I can do that!  :grouphug:

 

 

 

 

 

[Arcadia]

I don't think she is bored. She is so busy - maybe too busy?

...

Her brother is a "football player", her sister is a musician, her other siblings are young. She doesn't have a "thing" if that makes sense. She how ever has wide and varied interests. She likes to try new things, and she isn't afraid of them. But she is also so emotionally extreme!

I don't mean bored as in too free bored but as in lacking something to focus on and burn off that energy. My youngest is still finding his niche and he has wide and varied interests so I can understand that. It is actually frustrating for my youngest because everything looks interesting but none are interesting enough to burn off his energizer bunny kind of energy.

[Mom22ns]

There is, but it would be about a mile walk. And I don't like her doing that when no one is around. I am the only one of our 4 neighbors who is home during the day. We would be gone before the bus and back after it. I don't like the idea her walking to/from the bus with no one around. If the weather is bad, it would be tough. If we were in a neighborhood, it wouldn't bother me.

 

I get you not liking this, but most public school kids do it from the time they are elementary aged. I still remember when i was 10 and the school bus failed to stop and pick me up. My parents were at work. The kids told the teacher when I didn't come to school. She called and when she found out my parents weren't home and I couldn't reach them, she actually drove out and got me (30 min round trip). 

 

So, if your dd wants to do this, what she would have to sacrifice is comfort. She would have to walk to the bus stop. She'd have to be out there in all kinds of weather.

 

One more alternative, you might check and see how early you are allowed to drop off at school. It is usually somewhere between 30 min and an hour before school starts. Any chance that would do it? Any chance there is a before school club she could join on coop day? 

[DebbS]

 

There is, but it would be about a mile walk. And I don't like her doing that when no one is around. I am the only one of our 4 neighbors who is home during the day. We would be gone before the bus and back after it. I don't like the idea her walking to/from the bus with no one around. If the weather is bad, it would be tough. If we were in a neighborhood, it wouldn't bother me.

 

I wouldn't be comfortable with that either. Have you checked to see if the school has early arrival programs where they feed the kids breakfast. And then afterschool programs for kids with working parents. Or maybe there's somebody that does childcare where you could drop off your daughter early on co-op days, she could take the bus to school and back from there and then you could pick her up afterwards. Just a thought.

 

Obviously, being a homeschooler, I'm pro-homeschool. That said, it's difficult to work with a child at this age who simply does not want to work with you so you have my sympathy.  We had the opposite with my oldest. We threatened to send him to public school if he didn't follow through on his homeschool work. He had friends at the ps and had heard the horror stories.

 

[MinivanMom]

I get you not liking this, but most public school kids do it from the time they are elementary aged. I still remember when i was 10 and the school bus failed to stop and pick me up. My parents were at work. The kids told the teacher when I didn't come to school. She called and when she found out my parents weren't home and I couldn't reach them, she actually drove out and got me (30 min round trip). 

 

So, if your dd wants to do this, what she would have to sacrifice is comfort. She would have to walk to the bus stop. She'd have to be out there in all kinds of weather.

 

One more alternative, you might check and see how early you are allowed to drop off at school. It is usually somewhere between 30 min and an hour before school starts. Any chance that would do it? Any chance there is a before school club she could join on coop day? 

 

I agree. And really we're talking about just one day a week where she would be taking the bus and coming home to an empty house. I really think it's fine to go to co-op with the other kids and give dd a key to let herself into the house when she gets home.

 

There may be other reasons why public high school isn't the best choice for dd or for your family, but it doesn't sound like there's really a scheduling problem with the co-op.

[Cosmos]

I get you not liking this, but most public school kids do it from the time they are elementary aged. I still remember when i was 10 and the school bus failed to stop and pick me up. My parents were at work. The kids told the teacher when I didn't come to school. She called and when she found out my parents weren't home and I couldn't reach them, she actually drove out and got me (30 min round trip). 

 

So, if your dd wants to do this, what she would have to sacrifice is comfort. She would have to walk to the bus stop. She'd have to be out there in all kinds of weather.

 

One more alternative, you might check and see how early you are allowed to drop off at school. It is usually somewhere between 30 min and an hour before school starts. Any chance that would do it? Any chance there is a before school club she could join on coop day? 

 

Good ideas here.

 

I don't see the problem with a teenager walking a mile to the bus or being at home alone. I would work on ways to make that doable and comfortable (equip her with a cell phone, find a neighbor to be an emergency contact, practice a few times, etc.).

 

But even if you decide the bus doesn't work for you, don't give up or sacrifice the other children's activities. Be creative. Perhaps you have a friend who lives near the high school where she could hang out for a little before and after school once a week. Or is there a coffeeshop/bookstore/etc. where she could wait after schpol? You could hire someone to do the drive once a week. And so on. When I was in elementary school, I took a taxi to school once a week so I could bring my cello to lessons. My parents both worked and couldn't drive me, but they still found a solution.

 

[DebbS]

.

 

I don't see the problem with a teenager walking a mile to the bus or being at home alone. I would work on ways to make that doable and comfortable (equip her with a cell phone, find a neighbor to be an emergency contact, practice a few times, etc.).

 

I depends on where you live. I don't have a problem with a teen being at home alone nor walking a mile to the bus stop, but at least around here, the winter wind whipping across the farm fields in the rural areas often create below zero wind chills. It can be very dangerous to be outside and that far from home. In addition, many buses pick up while it is still dark outside.  I wouldn't have my daughter walk alone before dawn in the country.

 

For more regular/safer conditions, maybe giving her a cell phone for checking in with the family would alleviate some of the issues.

Edited March 31, 2016 by DebbS

[Cosmos]

I depends on where you live. I don't have a problem with a teen being at home alone nor walking a mile to the bus stop, but at least around here, the winter wind whipping across the farm fields in the rural areas often create below zero wind chills. It can be very dangerous to be outside and that far from home. In addition, many buses pick up while it is still dark outside.  I wouldn't have my daughter walk alone before dawn in the country.

 

For more regular/safer conditions, maybe giving her a cell phone for checking in with the family would alleviate some of the issues.

 

Well, sure. There may be special circumstances. And there may be plenty of reasons that school is NOT the right choice. That's a hard decision and I wish the OP best of luck in finding the best solution for her family.

 

I simply make the point that the transportation issues mentioned here are solvable. Once a week, some solution can almost certainly be found. Winter weather happens, yes, but only in winter and not every single day. The decision should be based on what's best overall, not on possible inconveniences a few times per year.

[Davysmom]

My friend's son decided the same thing last year for high school. I would say his 3 motivations were the "coolness factor" of public school kids, he wanted to be more of his own person away from what he saw as the constraints imposed during the school day by his mother, and his irritation at being home with two younger siblings. His co-op buddies all tried to talk him out of it, along with most adults in his homeschool circle. His mother was very disappointed in his choice even though they butt heads and there can be friction between them. His father was okay with his choice. This is in a mega-huge suburban school district that is well regarded academically. 

 

The experience from his mother's perspective: The students are herded through the day in a very regimented manner. Bell rings, students move to next class, door closes and no one is allowed outside the room without a hall pass. All decision making has been removed. She said it's very intimidating for a parent to go into the building with the security checks at the door and reporting in the office, etc. 

 

My take on it: He traded in the flexibility of his schedule for a 6:45 am bus pick-up, and loads of homework and very little down time. This boy is friendly and approachable but because of the hustle to get to and from class and the sheer volume of bodies, he has not become close to any new kids. His friendships are still with his homeschool friends. The academics have worked out okay and he chose to stick with it this year for 10th grade, based more on pride I think, than love of the place. He has joined the track team which he enjoys. We still see him all the time but I don't hear him talk about school except when asked.  

 

When you described your dd's past choices and outcomes, along with the sacrifice your family will need to make to enable her decision, public school doesn't sound like an option. What do your other kids think? It sounds like you've bent over backwards to help her explore her interests and if you have no evidence that this time will be any different, than why put you and your other kids through that again? You have much more patience than the parents I  hang out with! 

 

Keep us posted, whatever you decide! If you need encouragement to just say no, I can do that!  :grouphug:

This is a good description. The other kids haven't really been in the conversations because I feel like it's a little early to add their opinions. I know they want to continue with what they are doing. They would not be happy to give it up. I know she looks at the time I give her brother and sister, and she feels a little short changed. But she also knows she has a habit of only doing one season. I know what she wants to find, and I think she find it just not in this season of life KWIM?

 

 

I don't mean bored as in too free bored but as in lacking something to focus on and burn off that energy. My youngest is still finding his niche and he has wide and varied interests so I can understand that. It is actually frustrating for my youngest because everything looks interesting but none are interesting enough to burn off his energizer bunny kind of energy.

Oh that is quite possible. She does seem to know what she wants to do for a living, and I wonder if she feels like this is all just wasted time until then. I bet she needs to find something meaningful - something real.

[Davysmom]

I get you not liking this, but most public school kids do it from the time they are elementary aged. I still remember when i was 10 and the school bus failed to stop and pick me up. My parents were at work. The kids told the teacher when I didn't come to school. She called and when she found out my parents weren't home and I couldn't reach them, she actually drove out and got me (30 min round trip). 

 

So, if your dd wants to do this, what she would have to sacrifice is comfort. She would have to walk to the bus stop. She'd have to be out there in all kinds of weather.

 

One more alternative, you might check and see how early you are allowed to drop off at school. It is usually somewhere between 30 min and an hour before school starts. Any chance that would do it? Any chance there is a before school club she could join on coop day? 

 

Neither of us have a problem with her walking the mile, being home alone or a little bad weather. Comfort isn't the problem. It is truly not a safe road to walk where the bus picks up. We have some pretty intense weather here too. It's pretty rural where we are so there isn't anyone around to help if something happened. Cell reception is bad. If it was a neighborhood, I would be totally fine with it.

 

Unfortunately, we are a half hour off to drop off early. I actually used to get my neighbor's child on/off the bus since I was home other days of the week. But they have since moved out of the area.

 

I may be able to connect with someone on this side of the district, but most people live on the other side of the district.

Edited April 1, 2016 by Davysmom

[Davysmom]

I wouldn't be comfortable with that either. Have you checked to see if the school has early arrival programs where they feed the kids breakfast. And then afterschool programs for kids with working parents. Or maybe there's somebody that does childcare where you could drop off your daughter early on co-op days, she could take the bus to school and back from there and then you could pick her up afterwards. Just a thought.

 

Obviously, being a homeschooler, I'm pro-homeschool. That said, it's difficult to work with a child at this age who simply does not want to work with you so you have my sympathy.  We had the opposite with my oldest. We threatened to send him to public school if he didn't follow through on his homeschool work. He had friends at the ps and had heard the horror stories.

 

Haha! I have threatened my introverted boys with that! I will look into options. The only ones I know about are for under 12.

[Davysmom]

Good ideas here.

 

I don't see the problem with a teenager walking a mile to the bus or being at home alone. I would work on ways to make that doable and comfortable (equip her with a cell phone, find a neighbor to be an emergency contact, practice a few times, etc.).

 

But even if you decide the bus doesn't work for you, don't give up or sacrifice the other children's activities. Be creative. Perhaps you have a friend who lives near the high school where she could hang out for a little before and after school once a week. Or is there a coffeeshop/bookstore/etc. where she could wait after schpol? You could hire someone to do the drive once a week. And so on. When I was in elementary school, I took a taxi to school once a week so I could bring my cello to lessons. My parents both worked and couldn't drive me, but they still found a solution.

 

 

These are great ideas, but in our rural community there is nothing! Haha!

 

When she goes on Saturdays into the city for the group she is part of, we have done a lot of this due to schedule conflicts with games and recitals. She often has to walk from where they meet to somewhere and wait for us. She has a phone, but cell reception is unreliable here.

 

As backward as it sounds, we don't have taxis here or any public transportation. A taxi would have to come from the city which they can do, but it's not something I am willing to pay for. It's around $100.

 

There are 2 restaurants, but they don't open till 11 am. We do have a laundry mat, an insurance office, an antique store, a bank and a pharmacy but nothing is open early or late (we were all whining about that last night when we wanted something after 9 pm haha) There is nothing else here. Most of the businesses are out of the district in the city.

 

Hiring someone might be an option, but right now, I don't know anyone. And it's a little tricky because everything is so far apart. It's finding someone willing to drive potentially a long way. Or maybe someone who she can stay with and get picked up.

 

I actually suggested moving to town last week. I grew up in the city, and I am the only one who was interested in going back.

 

 

 

Edited April 1, 2016 by Davysmom

[Davysmom]

I depends on where you live. I don't have a problem with a teen being at home alone nor walking a mile to the bus stop, but at least around here, the winter wind whipping across the farm fields in the rural areas often create below zero wind chills. It can be very dangerous to be outside and that far from home. In addition, many buses pick up while it is still dark outside.  I wouldn't have my daughter walk alone before dawn in the country.

 

For more regular/safer conditions, maybe giving her a cell phone for checking in with the family would alleviate some of the issues.

 

That is exactly it. She does have a phone. All our big kids do because it's just a necessity here. There are no pay phones or places to ask to borrow a phone. But it's not always reliable.

[wintermom]

My oldest ds had a very similar fascination with going to school for 7th grade, including wanting a locker, be part of sports teams, and meet old and new friends. We'd told him he could return home if/when he wished, but he had to stay in school at least until Christmas. He went and was thrilled for the first few weeks. He loved the organization of the day, the teachers and the projects - at least to start with. Then he got really tired of the other students' lack of interest, his own increasing fatigue, the reality that he couldn't automatically get on all the sports teams he tried out for, and the lack of academic stimulation.  He returned to homeschooling by March, and is so happy to be homeschooling again. He feels that he wasted so much time at school, and he is appreciating all the activities he can do again (and had to drop for the year because of school).

 

It looks like your dd might have to learn the realities of school through first-hand experience, or things could just be miserable at home.  Maybe you can go through each item she wants, and cross-check it with what actually happens at school.  As for the one day/week transportation issue, could you drop her off close by the school (if not right at the school) on your way to and from the co-op? Maybe there is a coffee shop, a friend's house, library or other place?

[Davysmom]

My oldest ds had a very similar fascination with going to school for 7th grade, including wanting a locker, be part of sports teams, and meet old and new friends. We'd told him he could return home if/when he wished, but he had to stay in school at least until Christmas. He went and was thrilled for the first few weeks. He loved the organization of the day, the teachers and the projects - at least to start with. Then he got really tired of the other students' lack of interest, his own increasing fatigue, the reality that he couldn't automatically get on all the sports teams he tried out for, and the lack of academic stimulation.  He returned to homeschooling by March, and is so happy to be homeschooling again. He feels that he wasted so much time at school, and he is appreciating all the activities he can do again (and had to drop for the year because of school).

 

It looks like your dd might have to learn the realities of school through first-hand experience, or things could just be miserable at home.  Maybe you can go through each item she wants, and cross-check it with what actually happens at school.  As for the one day/week transportation issue, could you drop her off close by the school (if not right at the school) on your way to and from the co-op? Maybe there is a coffee shop, a friend's house, library or other place?

 

That is exactly what I think will happen. She is a have to see if for herself kind of kid. Once she sees that is it. She can move on. Part of me feels like this will keep coming up again and again until she really sees what it is like. I think once she realizes it is work too she will be less interested.

 

We are going to work on a list and see if that helps!!

 

The hard part is if she doesn't join our co-op she is out for the year. That means if she comes home I have to figure out an alternative for her core classes. And it means more work for me.

 

Co-op is north-east a little more than 30 miles from our home. The school is south-west about 25 miles from our home. There is nothing between us and the school except the places I mentioned and a PO. The closest thing to the school is a huge truck stop 15 miles west of the school. So it's about 70 miles from our co-op. We drive here for everything - it is normal. If there was somewhere safe I could leave her, I wouldn't mind driving her. There is just nothing on the road to school but a few farms.

 

The library doesn't open till 9. And it's pretty far away - it's at least 15 miles away from the school.

Edited April 1, 2016 by Davysmom

[Arcadia]

Would it be possible for your daughter to go to school for 8th grade now for the remaining two months or so of the year just for her to have the been there done that experience?

 

That way all of you could go to co-op this fall and not lose your spots there.

[Davysmom]

Would it be possible for your daughter to go to school for 8th grade now for the remaining two months or so of the year just for her to have the been there done that experience?

 

That way all of you could go to co-op this fall and not lose your spots there.

I don't know. That is a good idea. We only have 5 weeks left because school ends in early May, and they are getting ready for the EOY state testing. I will call and ask.

 

It gives me less time to figure out getting her there in co-op days. But maybe she could be sick one or two of those. Haha. Maybe dh could go on late another one or two. And we could be late a time or two. That should cover the 5 weeks.

Edited April 1, 2016 by Davysmom

[wintermom]

That is exactly what I think will happen. She is a have to see if for herself kind of kid. Once she sees that is it. She can move on. Part of me feels like this will keep coming up again and again until she really sees what it is like. I think once she realizes it is work too she will be less interested.

 

We are going to work on a list and see if that helps!!

 

The hard part is if she doesn't join our co-op she is out for the year. That means if she comes home I have to figure out an alternative for her core classes. And it means more work for me.

 

Co-op is north-east a little more than 30 miles from our home. The school is south-west about 25 miles from our home. There is nothing between us and the school except the places I mentioned and a PO. The closest thing to the school is a huge truck stop 15 miles west of the school. So it's about 70 miles from our co-op. We drive here for everything - it is normal. If there was somewhere safe I could leave her, I wouldn't mind driving her. There is just nothing on the road to school but a few farms.

 

The library doesn't open till 9. And it's pretty far away - it's at least 15 miles away from the school.

 

Her missing out on the co-op would be part of her list she makes up of things she'll miss out on. Maybe she has to stay home from school and do work alone every co-op day. If the classes are on-line at the high school, perhaps she can do the work at home one day a week. Or she could potentially stay in the co-op and miss one day a week of school. The school administration may be able to provide some alternatives.

 

Is you dh able to help out with transport or ideas? Surely you're not in this alone. 

[Pat in MI]

I seem to recall someone on here had this same dilemma once and they recreated a day in the life of a public school child.  Get her up at 5:30 (well it would be that here) to get ready.  In your childs case to walk the mile to the bus stop alone without you there (or at least a good pace behind her).  Pick her up bring her home, have her sit at her desk, no talking, raise your hand, hall pass for the bathroom,  can get up and walk around 5 minutes between classes, half hour lunch (can even feed her a cafeteria style lunch), back to work.  Drive her back to the bus stop and have her walk home.  Might give her an idea that school isn't going to be as glamorous as she might think.  

Blessings,

Pat

[Janeway]

Is there no school bus for her to take?

[Janeway]

If you let her go, tell her it is all year, regardless. She cannot drop out midyear. And stick by it. Letting her start and drop activities is not a good thing. She will never learn to see something through.

[Janeway]

I don't think giving her a trial run where she still gets to go to coop is good. It won't be a real trial run because she would not have to give up anything. Plus, end of school year is really bad for trial run. After state testing, classes generally stop doing any school work and have fun.

[TranquilMind]

Dd (9th next year) wants to go to school. She always has. She wants to ride the bus, have a locker, and hang out with her friends. She is obsessing about it, and her attitude is terrible. But I know it's not what she thinks it is or what she is looking for. She can't move past something until she tries it. She is really obsessed with trying it. Trying school means some big sacrifices for the family. We do an academic homeschool co-op. Due to times and locations, we can't do both school and co-op. All of our kids would have to drop co-op. If we drop co-op, we may not be able to get back in. It's full with a wait list. Missing a few weeks would set everyone back academically, and I have responsibilities in it. So it's a big decision to stop this year or not do it next year.

 

Dd romanticizes everything. She wanted to play soccer, field hockey, softball, volleyball, do gymnastics, karate, dance, horseback riding, play guitar, piano, violin, learn Chinese, French, Spanish etc.. She wants that team camaraderie or to have that skill, but at the rec levels, you just don't get that. She is not willing to do the hard work to acquire the skill or move past rec level that because she doesn't really want to do that activity. She does have this in one program she is very active in and in our homeschool group. I'm happy to let dc try things to find an interest, but you will see that season through. For dd, 2 weeks in, and she wants to quit. So the remainder of the time is miserable (for me!)

 

Recently, she decided she wanted to try a new activity. I actually made her wait 2 years before I would sign her up because it was so expensive and far away. I made her help pay for it. And 2 weeks in.... I was driving an hour each way for her to not want to go. :cursing:

 

We live rurally. Our high school isn't great. She'd be taking her core academic classes online at the HS. They aren't live classes either. So basically school on the computer. They can't offer the number of classes they need due to space and budget, so they offer them online. And none of her friends go to our local HS anyway! 

 

We can't afford the private school 2 of her friends go to, and even if we could, I can't make the 30 mile drive one way to the closest one twice a day. Her friends all live much closer to the school than we do. Most of her friends are homeschooled or part of this program she is in but they don't live in our district. So she wouldn't see then at school.

 

She is grumpy and difficult all day snapping at everyone because she wants to go to school. I am ready to send her to boarding school. (I actually did suggest that because there is one an hour away that she could get a scholarship for, and I wouldn't have to drive her everyday. She could come home 3 days a week. It would have everything she was looking for even friends. We even went to visit, but she doesn't want to go there.)

 

Part of me wants to just send her and let her experience it for the year, and part of knows how miserable it will be as soon as she decides she doesn't want to be there because it's not just hanging out with friends all day. She can't see what she would be giving up. And she can't get past this Disney idea of what high school looks like.

 

This comes up every year, but it is getting worse and worse every year.

I don't know what to do. I need some ideas.

Based on everything you have said (and our own personal experience when we buckled to the immovable force that is my oldest), just say NO.  She will get over it. 

[TranquilMind]

Would it be possible for your daughter to go to school for 8th grade now for the remaining two months or so of the year just for her to have the been there done that experience?

 

That way all of you could go to co-op this fall and not lose your spots there.

This would be a good idea too, if it isn't too much hassle.

[Bluegoat]

I think I would probably let her go, with the option of leaving at CHristmas, and expect that it is very likely she will not stay after that.  (Though, you never know.)

 

I would not let her ruin o-op for everyone else, I would have her take the bus.  I think a grade 9 student can deal with any roads and adult can.  Maybe it is a Canadian thing, but I consider cold weather fine as long as people have the right clothes.

 

It might be worthwhile to talk to the co=op people and se if an arrangement can be made in case she does not stay in ps.  But if not, I think I would still allow it.  A teen student that is really not buying into the homeschool (or any other) arrangement at all is going to be a serious PITA.

 

[amyx4]

I would suggest double checking on the bus stop. I know that here the high school bus stops change a bit from year to year. Also, There's some sort of state limit as to how far kids can walk home.

In addition, I've know a few parents that were able to complain enough (in writing) to get the bus stop changed. 

[Mom22ns]

Also, There's some sort of state limit as to how far kids can walk home.

 

Yeah, but in my state that is 1.5 miles.

[Meriwether]

Do you know any public schoolers near your home? Could you drop Dd off at their house so that she could ride the bus with their kids once a week?

 

[bluedarling]

My dd did the same thing, at the same age.  I placed her in a repeat of 8th grade, because she didn't want to stress the academics along with the transition.  She LOVED school at first.  By half way through it had lost its appeal, and she is now requesting to return to homeschool.  What she found was that the kids talked through classes and it was extremely distracting.  The social aspects were frustrating, and the language incredibly bad.  She didn't use her locker because it was too far out of the way, and just easier to carry everything with her.  The teachers don't even notice when she absent, and she feels invisible.  She says she needed to go to school...she's glad she did.  It made her appreciate homeschool all the more, and made her willing to work harder in homeschool (we'll see if that really holds true next year.)

[Bluegoat]

My dd did the same thing, at the same age.  I placed her in a repeat of 8th grade, because she didn't want to stress the academics along with the transition.  She LOVED school at first.  By half way through it had lost its appeal, and she is now requesting to return to homeschool.  What she found was that the kids talked through classes and it was extremely distracting.  The social aspects were frustrating, and the language incredibly bad.  She didn't use her locker because it was too far out of the way, and just easier to carry everything with her.  The teachers don't even notice when she absent, and she feels invisible.  She says she needed to go to school...she's glad she did.  It made her appreciate homeschool all the more, and made her willing to work harder in homeschool (we'll see if that really holds true next year.)

 

It seems to me that the possible god outcomes should be considred.  Either she might end up doing well in the school, or perhaps she'ss come home and be more engaged.

[Janeway]

The reason I would make her commit to a period of time, like a semester or a year, is otherwise, she will always think she can just pull out when she does not like things. She needs to see it through or this will go on again. She will come home and in a few months get bored and want to go back, and so on.

[ebrindam]

I wouldn't be comfortable with that either. Have you checked to see if the school has early arrival programs where they feed the kids breakfast. And then afterschool programs for kids with working parents. Or maybe there's somebody that does childcare where you could drop off your daughter early on co-op days, she could take the bus to school and back from there and then you could pick her up afterwards. Just a thought.

 

Obviously, being a homeschooler, I'm pro-homeschool. That said, it's difficult to work with a child at this age who simply does not want to work with you so you have my sympathy.  We had the opposite with my oldest. We threatened to send him to public school if he didn't follow through on his homeschool work. He had friends at the ps and had heard the horror stories.

 

 

I don't think any high schools have before or after school programs. High schools assume that the kids are able to take care of themselves if their parents are not home.

[margoargo]

Both of my daughters wanted to go to school by high school. The first was able to win a scholarship to a pretty decent prep. school. She is very bright, and I doubt that I would have been able to motivate her academically to achieve to the level she did for her teachers at this school. We really want our children to go to college and/or beyond and she learned valuable time management and study skills in high school that are paying off in her challenging university. I would have loved to have had her home. She was a natural leader in our family, she was sweet and happy, but I just didn't feel like she was living up to her fullest academic potential at home or in the co-op. The social environment in the school was a very difficult adjustment, partly because we were new to the area, and partly because most of the kids had all been in school together since pre-K. Though it was extremely difficult, and at the time- immature and juvenile- she says that the hard times socially prepared her well for college social dynamics. She says she would do it over.

 

Daughter no. 2 also wanted to go (like big sister...). She actually won the same scholarship that her sister did, but we declined and made her wait another year. She attends a different private school and is learning similar skills - time management, deadlines, cooperative learning with other students, working with teachers, playing sports, etc. For her, the social transition has not been a problem, partly because we are not new to the city any longer, and it is a different prep. school. I miss her every day, and know that we have sacrificed some great times together and growth in certain areas that just cannot happen at school, but I honestly think this course is preparing her better for college than the course she was on with me. There was nothing slack about our homeschool curriculum or activities; it was the internal motivation that I personally had a hard time sparking in them. 

 

My son never had a desire to go to school. I tried to get him to consider it for academic reasons after his older sister went, but he is already academically off the charts gifted, and high school would probably have slowed his academics down. He has dual-enrolled and done fine, and been accepted to some pretty selective universities.

 

All of this is to say that in my family, sending the girls to school was a sacrifice I made. I really wanted to keep them home, sort of for my own selfish reasons. I liked having them around. They were learning, they were happy and fun and had homeschool friends,too. I personally hated high school, and never intended for my children to go to high school, especially the girls. However, it just always seemed to them that they were missing something. Younger daughter didn't know how she measured up to others academically. She has since found out that while she has to work hard, she can hold her own. Older daughter realized there were lots of activities going on at school, and being an extrovert, she sensed she was missing something.

 

All this having been said, if private prep school were not available to us, I would probably have kept homeschooling. I am not a big fan of the public schools in our area. I would have have taken the co-op to dual-enrollment route. I also would not have inconvenienced the rest of the family for either of them to attend school. 

 

I hope this helps. Good Luck with your decision. 

[Davysmom]

Thanks for the advice! It really helps when thinking things through.

 

To clarify a couple things, we always make her finish what she starts. She is very used to that, but it's hard having a kid who doesn't love what they are doing. So if she plays a sports, she plays the season. She just doesn't usually do it more than once. Some things she did more than once. She took French classes for 2 years. I thought she would want to keep with it, but she doesn't want to. She will have to take a language in high school.

 

The program she is passionate about I don't have to do a thing to help her get ready. She has to get up at 5:00am to go to it, and she is up without me having to wake her up. It's amazing. I guess I want her approach everything she does with that attitude since I know she can. I know some things will never be fun.

 

We start a language in 4th grade usually Latin. I know they don't have to love it, but it helps. An instrument isn't an option either, and it helps when they enjoy the one they are playing. And she has to do something for PE, and I happy for them to pick a sport they like. But I am okay with it just being something they tolerate. Right now, she is using the treadmill.

 

Some things are just a week long or free trials. Like we did a really short horse camp.

 

It sounds like most of you have never lived in the middle of nowhere! :laugh: It is different world out here. 

 

The bus can't come any closer because there is no turn around for it or way out. It's a pretty steep winding hill that ends into our houses. (UPS, FedEx and mailman won't come up it either.) There are 4 houses in our area. We are the only one currently with kids. The other family with kids moved a couple years ago. The roads are not what I would consider safe for adults either. No one walks that road or the one it leads to. We don't walk them ever which is sad. I never realized how much I would miss being able to do that. We have trails that we can walk, but they don't lead anywhere they just circle the property.

 

If I thought she would love the HS, I would send her and figure it out. But I don't think she will.

 

I had a long talk with her, and asked her where she wanted to go to school. And she said "I don't know?" I asked her if she knew of a school that was like she wanted. She said she didn't think it existed! haha! So at least she is realizing what she wants it not reality.

She said she wanted to hang out with her friends, but she knows they would go to a different school.

 

She and I had a good talk about what she wants. She wants to finish the co-op year.

 

I think the fact that we were looking to put a plan in place for 4 years like we did for her sister sort of freaked her out. I feel like to the best of our ability we need to plan for consistency for high school. So we have been talking about the 4 year plan for her. I think she is panicking at the idea of never getting to go to school and having only 4 years left to figure out her life. Which we know she doesn't have do, but she is feeling the pressure. I think she is realizing that she enjoys things and then doesn't. She wants to love everything she does like she loves this one thing.

 

She also said she is laying in bed at night worrying about things like where she wants to go to college! And so she is not sleeping well which is not helping her attitude. She is grumpy and irrational when she is tired. 

 

So I need to get her stop stressing about things and sleep!

We are going to have a family chat this week about it, and see what we can come up with.

 

Thanks for all the thoughts and advice. Keep it coming it's really helping us figure things out with her.

 

Edited April 3, 2016 by Davysmom

[Davysmom]

Based on everything you have said (and our own personal experience when we buckled to the immovable force that is my oldest), just say NO.  She will get over it. 

 

I am thinking this may be necessary. I think the freedom to be part of the decision may be too much stress for her. Whenever I choose something I think she would like to do, she complains but winds up loving it. When I let her pick, she winds up not liking it. I think the fact that I know what she is looking for helps, and she only sees certain aspects.

[mschickie]

Can you have her shadow someone in the high school for a day?  I know a lot of kids who do that in the 8th grade here.  This way they can see what the day would really be like and they can talk to the kids and get a better perspective.  I know many kids who have done that and decided not to go back.

[Pen]

Can you/your husband drop her off at some school bus stop on the way to driving the other kids to co-op? I say "some" stop because maybe there'd be another stop that you would consider to be safer for her to wait.

 

Maybe you could call the school and discuss if there is someone else she could stay with prior to the bus time. Maybe another student family or teacher who lives in the direction you need to drive in.

 

We also live in a rural area with a not so great school to which my ds will probably be going next year, as a probably least bad option.

 

You probably do need to make sure she commits to a whole year or at least half a year.  In our schools so far as I know, dropping out part way through 9th grade causes transcript problems.

 

 

[Pen]

Could there even be a point the bus goes that is in the direction you'd be driving where the time you'd be getting there would be closer to when the bus gets there--say 35 miles from the school instead of 25 miles?

 

My son says that besides the bus, where we are a lot of kids carpool with older kids who already driving age--especially if they stay after school for sports and thus cannot take the bus. Might there be someone in that category who could either swing past your house for her or else where you could drop her on your way?