Laurie4b Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 Dear Hive, Oldest ds is getting married to a woman from another country in that country. That is where they will live. 1. What is the polite way to communicate information about registry, gifts, etc.? I tend to think they should just tell key people and let interested people ask, but I am probably very out of touch with the times. I hate the whole emphasis on gifts. (Not that ds is emphasizing gifts; it just seems all so "transactional" these days.) I don't recall whether there was such a thing as registries back in the day when I got married.(Yes, I am old!) When we were thrown a shower, the hostess asked for a wish list. I think that was it! 2. They are planning to have a reception in the US knowing that almost no one can make it to the actual wedding, though everyone is invited. How do you feel about receptions for people who cannot attend a wedding? Are there any pitfalls we should avoid? (i.e. Are there ways we might unintentionally offend potential guests? For instance, would you see an invitation to a reception as a pitch for a gift or as a way to include you because you couldn't come? ) 3. In our part of the Christian tradition, an important part of the wedding is the reciting of the vows in front of witnesses. If this is part of your tradition as well, would you rather see a video of the actual ceremony or have the couple make vows in front of this new group of witnesses (kind of like some couples renew their wedding vows on an anniversary or after a rough patch in the road...) Appreciate your feedback! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 We got married in another country, although it was just a trip, not where we lived. When we were back home we had a very informal "celebration" and were careful not to call it a reception in case of offending people or looking like we were grabbing for gifts. We sent out a dual wedding announcement/party invitation, if I remember correctly. We did show a video of the wedding, we actually had a projector put it up on a blank wall during the meal portion of the evening, so people could watch as they ate. Oh, and we served food traditional to the country we were married in, to kind of include people on the fun we had. (I made all of it myself, which looking back was crazy!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 Having made this mistake in my own wedding: do not assume that any particular person would not want/be able to go to the wedding overseas. As you suggested, explicitly invite everyone whom you would normally invite to the wedding, giving the option of their choosing to attend the overseas wedding or the US party. Then let them decide. Trust me, you don't want to deal with anyone feeling excluded from the actual wedding. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted March 22, 2016 Author Share Posted March 22, 2016 Having made this mistake in my own wedding: do not assume that any particular person would not want/be able to go to the wedding overseas. As you suggested, explicitly invite everyone whom you would normally invite to the wedding, giving the option of their choosing to attend the overseas wedding or the US party. Then let them decide. Trust me, you don't want to deal with anyone feeling excluded from the actual wedding. Everyone has already been invited to the actual wedding. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 Having made this mistake in my own wedding: do not assume that any particular person would not want/be able to go to the wedding overseas. As you suggested, explicitly invite everyone whom you would normally invite to the wedding, giving the option of their choosing to attend the overseas wedding or the US party. Then let them decide. Trust me, you don't want to deal with anyone feeling excluded from the actual wedding. We actually were worried that people we were very close to would not be able to afford to attend, while others we really had no particular interest in having there WOULD be able to afford to come, and that would lead to hurt feelings..with those stuck at home jealous/upset they missed it while others got to go. So we invited no one. It wasn't an elopement in the sense that were didn't hide what we were doing, but it was private. Just my husband and I, and our witnesses were the photographer and the wedding coordinator (who had arranged everything for us as we were planning from another country). That way everyone was excluded equally. Maybe not the idea way to do it, but it worked. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 (edited) Dear Hive, Oldest ds is getting married to a woman from another country in that country. That is where they will live. 1. What is the polite way to communicate information about registry, gifts, etc.? I tend to think they should just tell key people and let interested people ask, but I am probably very out of touch with the times. I hate the whole emphasis on gifts. (Not that ds is emphasizing gifts; it just seems all so "transactional" these days.) I don't recall whether there was such a thing as registries back in the day when I got married.(Yes, I am old!) When we were thrown a shower, the hostess asked for a wish list. I think that was it! 2. They are planning to have a reception in the US knowing that almost no one can make it to the actual wedding, though everyone is invited. How do you feel about receptions for people who cannot attend a wedding? Are there any pitfalls we should avoid? (i.e. Are there ways we might unintentionally offend potential guests? For instance, would you see an invitation to a reception as a pitch for a gift or as a way to include you because you couldn't come? ) 3. In our part of the Christian tradition, an important part of the wedding is the reciting of the vows in front of witnesses. If this is part of your tradition as well, would you rather see a video of the actual ceremony or have the couple make vows in front of this new group of witnesses (kind of like some couples renew their wedding vows on an anniversary or after a rough patch in the road...) Appreciate your feedback! Congratulations! 1. Around here, registry information is on the bridal shower invitations. I think most people register online as well, and so you can often find the couple by name. Given the distance, both of those things may not work in your situation. I think it's word of mouth otherwise in terms of etiquette. You may be in a different circumstance of course in that this isn't a wedding and so it may be appropriate to include the information on the invitation, as you would a baby or bridal shower? I'm not sure. 2. I went to a reception for a couple who did a small destination type wedding. We were invited to the actual ceremony too, but it was way out of our (anyone's) ability to reasonably attend. I did over-hear some people who may have felt the reception was pitch for gifts. I didn't feel that way, fwiw. I wanted to celebrate with them. It was very poorly attended. However, imagine the situation will be much different in your case. 3. This reception included a video of the ceremony. I would have much rather experienced the vows. The whole dress up to watch a video felt weird. Now that I rethink, part of this was that the video quality was poor. It was hard to hear. And then they did some other things--like dressing in the wedding clothes and having readings and songs that just felt off given we weren't watching an actual ceremony. My sister had a reception in Taiwan for my brother in law's extended family. I did not go, but I just called my mom who did. She said they did do a video of the actual ceremony. It was more like an elaborate shower than a recreation of a wedding. She felt it went well. Her situation is probably more similar to what you will experience in that there was a merging of cultures and a wedding in a different country. Edited March 22, 2016 by sbgrace 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 IMO, it is rude to include registry info with a wedding invitation. I do think it's ok to include in the invite, for more information go to "wedding website or FB page" and have that information among other logistical things - maps, lodging, tourist info, timing, etc. And it's fine to tell families and the wedding party so they can tell those who ask. I don't think registries are rude per se, but getting several registry cards in an already bulky invite strikes me as rude. Like a summons and a shopping list. I do think that info is fine in a shower invitation. I'm sure you'll hear other opinions here though. I rarely have received wedding invites with that info included, so I'm sure it can vary by locale and culture. I think it's absolutely fine to have a reception in the US and invite who you want. I would default to what the bride and groom want to do in regards to the vows. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 The one I have been to did not feel like a gift grab to me, but everyone was glad to be able to participate. They did not do either a video or vows. That would have seemed a bit weird to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 Dear Hive, Oldest ds is getting married to a woman from another country in that country. That is where they will live. 1. What is the polite way to communicate information about registry, gifts, etc.? I tend to think they should just tell key people and let interested people ask, but I am probably very out of touch with the times. I hate the whole emphasis on gifts. (Not that ds is emphasizing gifts; it just seems all so "transactional" these days.) I don't recall whether there was such a thing as registries back in the day when I got married.(Yes, I am old!) When we were thrown a shower, the hostess asked for a wish list. I think that was it! 2. They are planning to have a reception in the US knowing that almost no one can make it to the actual wedding, though everyone is invited. How do you feel about receptions for people who cannot attend a wedding? Are there any pitfalls we should avoid? (i.e. Are there ways we might unintentionally offend potential guests? For instance, would you see an invitation to a reception as a pitch for a gift or as a way to include you because you couldn't come? ) 3. In our part of the Christian tradition, an important part of the wedding is the reciting of the vows in front of witnesses. If this is part of your tradition as well, would you rather see a video of the actual ceremony or have the couple make vows in front of this new group of witnesses (kind of like some couples renew their wedding vows on an anniversary or after a rough patch in the road...) Appreciate your feedback! 1. You are right that the happy couple should tell key people and let interested people ask. Absolutely. 2. Receptions that happen after the wedding are perfectly acceptable. As long as you don't include any information about gift registry, or suggestions for cash in lieu of gifts, or anything like that at all, then you are not making a pitch. If people want to buy gifts (which they will, of course) then you can tell them where the registry is. And really and truly, unless it's for something specific like china or silver, people don't need to know exactly what the couple needs or wants. Really. Think of the countless generations of people got married without such a thing as a gift registry. 3. I would not need to see the couple repeat their vows at the reception, or watch a video. They have already done their vows in front of witnesses. They don't need to do it again. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Um_2_4 Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 We married privately then had a "celebration" in my hometown. Invitations said "Come join us in celebrating the marriage of ____ & ____." We had dinner/entertainment and cake. No video, etc. Mom had registry info for anyone who asked. Most recent weddings have websites it seems. If they are living overseas, do they want many actual physical presents to take back with them??? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 A friend of mine had a wedding plus reception in the U.S. and then, in England, a blessing by a bishop plus a reception. I believe she wore the wedding dress for the blessing as well as the wedding. I see more young people now with wedding websites. The website address is on an enclosure within the formal invitation packet. The website has a registry link. It also has a way for people to accept/decline. (Note to Ellie -- I know this is wrong. I click on the link, but I also write out a proper reply -- Name, accepts with pleasure, the kind invitation of,....) I actually like to be able to send a gift, even if I don't plan to attend a wedding. And I like a registry, because I know I can send, say, one very good plate and that it will be part of a set and appreciated. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 Don't mention the registry in the reception invitation. I would run the video of the wedding on a continuous loop in a corner with several seats in the area, so people could come over and watch it as they felt so inclined. I would not have a 'screening' where everyone watched together. Possibly someone would host a bridal shower for the couple, it would have to be a non family member. It's a little awkward with the bride being the one from overseas--normally it would be her friends that would do this. But maybe the groom has a friend who would do this. Registry information could be included in that invitation. Re the reception, I think the best way to handle the invitation, since you are only inviting people who are also invited to the wedding, is to have an RSVP for the wedding and a separate invitation and RSVP card set for the reception in the same envelope. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 No ideas. But if it makes you feel better you might have a lot of people like me. I wouldn't be offended no matter what plans you make, or how you put it together. If you invite, or don't invite me. If you invite, or don't invite my kids - regardless of whether or not other kids are invited. If you include, or don't include gift registration information. If you ask, or don't ask for cash and or expensive gifts. If I am or am not invited to the reception. If you are inviting me to your wedding I'm sure you are my friend/family (or my husbands friend) and you are a nice good person and I wouldn't be annoyed or offended by your wedding plans. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 Do they want to have to lug stuff to their new home? Because people will inevitably bring tangible gifts to the reception and then the bride and groom will have to decide what to do with them. This happened to my sister and her spouse (despite trying to communicate the issue), but they had the wedding in the US and a party of some sorts in Europe where they now live. Most people got the message, but I do remember at least one gift that she had no way to easily pack. I doubt the bride and groom will want to mail themselves their gifts, either. I'm unsure if you should call it a reception or not. To answer the question, it might be best to set up a website and direct people there. From there they will see information about registry, etc. If it is too much to set up a website maybe someone could throw together a facebook group page (closed group with a link). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 I should add that people talked and visited when we had the video on, we didn't have them sit still and watch it like showing a movie at a movie theater. Some watched, some didn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 how about a Skype party especially for family that can't make it. When our priest's son got married, he married across the country from our parish (where his fiance was from), but she was also an immigrant from a Middle Eastern country. Most of her extended family could not make it to the wedding so the family set up a Skype account for everyone to watch the wedding, but it was especially set up for the ME family. They then traveled to her country of origin sometime after the honeymoon to have a big reception and meet the grandparents, etc. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muttichen Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 My dd married a young man from another country. They were married there but are living in the US. Travelling to his country was not possible for our extended family and friends, so we had a second wedding here. We had the whole ceremony and a reception, although the pastor made it clear that they were renewing their vows. Dd wore the same dress. They had a wedding website that made it clear they were having two ceremonies and gave registry info, etc. I don't think anyone felt it was weird or grabbing for gifts or whatever. It was a very special, fun celebration. It was important to the grandparents to be able to be part of it, and there was just no way they would have been up to the trip to his country, and there is no way all of his extended family and friends could have afforded a trip here. This way, no one was left out. :) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 1. No registry info with wedding invitation. If someone (aunt, cousin, friend) throws them a shower, the hostess sometimes provides registry info with that invitation. 2. and 3. Reception at home is lovely. I wouldn't expect them to reenact the wedding vows. There will be witnesses at the ceremony in the other country, right? So the wedding is valid. The reception back home is only to celebrate their nuptials, not recreate them. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 Usually Save the Date cards will have a website listing all the details, plus any registry. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 I would run the video of the wedding on a continuous loop in a corner with several seats in the area, so people could come over and watch it as they felt so inclined. I would not have a 'screening' where everyone watched together. I like this idea. The whole party watching the video seems a bit hokey as does doing a mock ceremony for guest's benefit. Might be nice to have some photos displayed of the actual event too. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted March 23, 2016 Author Share Posted March 23, 2016 Thanks for everyone's input. I appreciate it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted March 23, 2016 Author Share Posted March 23, 2016 For those of you who had qualms about using the word "reception," can you explain why? What would you substitute in its place? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocassie Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 I was invited to a wedding that took place in country of origin of the bride. The invitation was for the actual wedding with a "note" inviting us to a reception with date, time, and place for those unable to attend the actual ceremony/reception in the other country. This was really nice as most of the groom's family and friends in the US were not able to attend. It was more informal but still a lot of fun with many of the traditional reception items like cake, first dance, etc. There was a video presented before the toasts that showed the couple getting ready, the walk down the aisle, and then the vows. It was about 10min. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne in ABQ Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 (edited) My niece got married a couple years ago, and had a total of three celebrations, in three different countries. She is American, he from Japan, and they live in Canada. They had very private ceremony in Canada. Then, over the course of a couple months, they had three receptions: one in Canada with friends, one in the US with her family/friends, and one in Japan with his family/friends. We received an invitation to the celebration in the U.S, which was hosted by the bride's mom. I don't know how the other invitations were handled. Ours was simply an invitation to come celebrate their marriage and their new life together. To tie everything together, they created a website to bring everyone, everywhere, into the circle. They each had an individual page with pictures of themselves and their families, growing up. They shared a bit of their individual stories there so that those on the "other side" could get to know them a bit. Then, they had a page describing how they met, and the adventures of their lives coming together. They also had a page inviting those who wished to contribute to their new life together. They didn't register anywhere, since everything was so international. They provided easy links for cash gifts, and you could choose whether you wanted to contribute to their new home, their future children (they weren't expecting, but planned to start a family soon), or their honeymoon. It was a new concept to me, but it was all very tastefully done, and I don't know how they could have done any better. ETA: They created their website on Squarespace.com It was lovely and professional looking. Edited March 23, 2016 by Suzanne in ABQ 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 For those of you who had qualms about using the word "reception," can you explain why? What would you substitute in its place? So many people associate receptions with a place to bring a gift, I was just wondering if changing the wording might help discourage that (that is, if they are worried about stuff to travel with or want to discourage gifts). Party, celebration, something else?? I know all of them are basically interchangeable, but the word reception when affiliated with wedding makes me think of a formal gathering perhaps with a gift table lol. I don't know if I can logically explain my thinking. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted March 23, 2016 Author Share Posted March 23, 2016 Interesting factoid: I just found out today that in the bride's country of origin, it is expected and considered polite to put the gift registry link on the actual invitation! (It's considered polite because you save people the trouble of having to find it out!) The invitations will be bilingual so they will put that part in the bride's native language and leave it untranslated to English. It's just interesting to me how different cultures can be. I have really appreciated the Hive's input and suggestions! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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