s/o Holiday Venting - how to handle *some* relatives

[PeacefulChaos]

Thanks to everyone.  :)  Merry after-Christmas-weekend!  :)

 

Edited December 27, 2015 by PeacefulChaos

[PeacefulChaos]

That's really long.  Sorry.  

[zoobie]

That would stress me out too! I dwell and rehash things as well. I don't know what to do about it except practice boundary type lines beforehand in case they get nasty IRL then "detox" afterwards with a nice, hot bath and a glass of wine. Breathe in your happy home, breathe out the crazy others.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sounds to me like you unconsciously picked up on something about them - perhaps from reading their reaction etc to the picture thing. - a need for them to be controlling.  And no, controlling people will not like you if you've thwarted them.  They crossed lines in the past, not you, and it looks like the people around you saw that and responded appropriately as well.  I don't know what to advise you, really, I think you are going to be uncomfortable around them because you can't trust them not to overreact in the future. 

[ThisIsTheDay]

How awkward. It's hard being around people when you have to walk on eggshells, and they've shown time after time that they can't be trusted to act/respond reasonably.

 

The advice I'm going to give you is based on your comment about your husband's missions trip to Haiti, indicating you are Christian.

 

Focus on Jesus when you are thinking about or with these people. Consider that they are loved by Him, that He died for them, and think about how He would want you to be when you are with them.  I am sure that you know these things, but keep that foremost in your mind, before you get that sick feeling in your stomach about seeing them. Pray before and during (I'm not kidding!), "Lord, please help me see these people through Your eyes; empty me of my own feelings, and fill me with Your peace. Let me respond in a manner that glorifies You."

 

You know that you can't count on them to change.  They sound like unpleasant and unhappy people, and their relationship with you is probably not the only one they struggle in.  While it's very difficult to change how you feel, you can see them through different eyes, which removes you a bit from the situation. 

 

:grouphug:

 

 

 

 

 

[Carrie12345]

Well, I don't see anything that can be done about the situation, so my advice would be to just be glad the mutual dislike is out in the open and move on.

 

That's coming from someone from a family (on both sides) where most people pretend there aren't any problems, and everyone's expected to go along with that.  It's crazytown.  Seriously, sometimes I forget that there are people I loathe to the core of their very being as they're standing there, telling me how lovely my children are and how we should get together more often.  And then I get home and I'm like, "Wait, that SOB has been talking some massive BS about me for the past decade!  And I stood there, thanking him! I don't want to go to his stupid house!"  And that's just one minor example, lol.

[PeacefulChaos]

These words from everyone are very calming to me.  Thank you.  

Edited December 26, 2015 by PeacefulChaos

[elegantlion]

I enjoy being liked by people. There are some people that don't seem to get me and part of me wants to reach out and try extra hard to make myself likable to them. Part of it is I tend to take people as they are unless they do something like was done to you. 

 

It's very subconscious, but I have to move those people to a different part of my brain. I had to do that with someone recently who I didn't get into an argument with because another family member wanted me to let it go. 

 

Even if you have to repeat a little mantra when you think about it, it can help. I do something like, "They don't like me, it's okay. There are billions of people in the world, not everyone is going to like me. I am not perfect, but I am happy with who i am. If they can't see that and don't want to, then ..*imaginary sticking out of tongue and hair flip* they don't deserve to know me."

 

Then I do try to be the bigger person and be cordial around them. The only thing I am in charge of is my reaction to them. 

[forty-two]

 

Idk.  It felt stressful.  I don't like second guessing myself.  I don't like the idea that I act different when they're around because I want to be authentic and real no matter what.  I'm uncomfortable with the idea that I don't act like myself when they're around, and I don't even know if that's happening. 

That sounds like a rough situation :grouphug:.

 

I just wanted to point out that it *is* being authentic and real to act differently around someone who dislikes you than you'd act if you were only with people who liked you.  It's a different situation, and so it's natural to act differently.  Don't think of it as "not acting like myself", but as "acting differently with an unfriendly audience than I do with an exclusively friendly one".   From your post, that sounds like an unusual situation for you to be in (which is a good thing :)), and so it wouldn't be surprising if your automatic reactions to that situation are maybe also unusual to you - they aren't used much.  If you are uncomfortable with how you currently react to being in front of an unfriendly audience, change it, but I don't think you need to react the *same* as you do while being with a friendly crowd - they just aren't the same thing, and it's natural to react differently to different situations :grouphug:. 

 

It might help to acknowledge the inherent difficulty and stress of being around someone who doesn't like you - it *is* hard, and a far different thing from them not being around.  I don't think ignoring the impact of their presence and trying to act just as you would if they weren't there is the only (or best) way to be authentic.  I think it's completely authentic to acknowledge to yourself that it *does* make a difference to have them around, and figure out how to act so as to minimize the impact of their presence on you and your interactions with others.  You would be acting differently, but it's a different situation - why *wouldn't* you act differently? :grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

A couple thoughts...

 

First, planning a large group endeavor tends to be rough on the planner. Everyone gives input. Everyone has different priorities. Too few people understand the need for compromise. Being a leader and an organizer also means developing a thick skin. So I am not surprised that the family photos were rocky. Absolutely not your fault--it's just the nature of the beast. Keep this in mind for future wedding planning, lol. 

 

Second, you sensed something off about these people. Trust your instincts. Your experience with them bears out your instincts. You know you cannot trust them. It is hard--very hard--to have to play nice with people who cannot be trusted. The bullying message on FB is how these people operate. You sense that this is simmering beneath the surface (always), so your flight-response is a completely rational response.

 

When someone dislikes you, it's easy to turn that in on oneself, to question what I have done wrong. However, there really are some people in the world who cannot be pleased, who are bullies, and who dislike people without cause. They tend to be users--people who maintain relationships only for what is of personal benefit to them. They maintain manners as long as things are going their way. This is a flaw for THEM, not you. With such people, there is virtually nothing you can do to get past that wall. Really, the only way to coexist with such people is to stay unnoticed, to not provoke their attention. To walk on eggshells. 

 

That's really not worth it.

 

Some positives--good for your dh for setting a boundary with them. What an awesome husband. Too many would be tempted to "keep the peace." Also, good for your FIL for setting boundaries and for calling it like it is. And good for you--GOOD FOR YOU--for standing with your in-laws and refusing to cater to the bullying. It's a hard, hard thing to do. 

 

Don't beat yourself up for feeling sad about it. Being disliked feels ugly. But, keep telling yourself this is THEIR problem. Their flaw. Alienating people who mean only kindness to them is THEIR insecurity and THEIR problem.

 

That said, it's icky to keep socializing with such people. (Ask me how I know...) Just keep focusing on those that matter to you--your dh's lovely parents, your dh, your kids. Keep interaction with the bullies at an absolutely minimum. Don't try to cater to them--it just feeds their unhealthy dynamic.

 

 

Edited December 26, 2015 by Harriet Vane

[Joanne]

The whole thing is awkward and uncomfortable. You are going to feel awkward and uncomfortable.

 

It is the way it is.

[Anne in CA]

I have been in the hospitality industry my whole adult life. I get it. Everyone likes to be liked, I don't even need to be liked by everyone, but I make my living my pleasing other people and any form of rejection is tough. I have only had three bad Yelp/ Trip Advisor reviews in three years, but every one of them is hard. They make me physically sick. And one of them came from the friend of a disgruntled former employee.

[HS Mom in NC]

 

 

 

Do you mean you were getting input from them about dates and prices?  Did you specifically ask them what their budget limit was so you could make sure to keep it in everyone's budget?  I mean were those specific, clear, explicit kinds of phrases used by you with an attitude of accommodation?

 

 

 

When people were acting upset that you weren't looking for the cheapest option you could find, did you recognize price as their top priority and adjust your plans accordingly?  Because as some one who has coordinated family photos with my family (3 adult siblings, their kids, a set of grandparents and a set of greatgrandparents) and my in-laws, I can tell you  that the second someone seems upset, it's time to zero in on their complaint and accommodate it-especially when it's related to money.

 

 

So you told them in "diplomatic" terms that your priority (what you're calling best value) was the right priority over their priority which was keeping the cost as low as possible.  Then when they didn't respond in a way that said something like, "You're right.  We should be willing to spend more money like you want to and whatever reason we have for keeping the cost as low as possible should be ignored." you got snarky about it.

 

So did you agree to going the least expensive route?  If you did, it sounds like you didn't agree graciously with understanding.  It sounds like you did it grudgingly. Did you insist on not going the least expensive route?  If so, did you expecting people who told you they didn't want to do it that way to be happy about it? I don't think I understand what the end result was. 

 

 

Who is "we?" You and your spouse?  You can everyone in the family except this person and this person's spouse? What does "pretty much agreed mean?" Some agreed and some didn't? When you coordinate a family group activity and some of the family doesn't agree, you have not "pretty much decided."

 

 

Are those direct, exact quotes or is that your summary and if I heard the other person's side they would say they never used those terms? When I read the situation as you wrote it, it seems to me you may have insisted on it your way in spite of objections or you agreed accommodate their desires to some degree but did it with snark. 

 

 

That kind of conversation should never happen in front of other people in person or in social media. Ever. It should happen privately between the two parties.

 

 

OK.

 

 

That's asking for trouble.  Are you two incapable of handling personal relationships in your family on your own?  Was she giving advice about how to restore the relationship with grace and love so everyone is content with situation?  If not, she should've stayed out of it.  She's old enough to know better.

 

 

Good.  It didn't affect them directly and they had the wisdom to let the people who it did directly affect handle it.

 

 

That was a bad idea.  Were you wanting others to back you up or were you bothered by the fact that what should've been a situation handled between you and this person blew up and spread like poison into the rest of the family causing more conflict and chaos?

 

I'm suspicious that maybe "input" from people at the beginning might not be accurate.  Never ask a question you don't want the answer to.  If you ask for input, ask because you genuinely want it and will take it seriously and will do everything you can to get everyone what they want.  If you make adjustments based on people's input, do it genuinely, not grudgingly.

 

The desire for everyone to participate in the extended family photo and given equal day should be the top priority-not the quality of the photo.  My family has a huge range of income levels, financial obligations and financial priorities.  We do what accommodates the tightest budget and the most financially conservative person's point of view.  You're not better off getting a higher quality photo that has family members missing because of broken relationships.

 

 

Then it sounds like one or more parties just couldn't let it go and continued to stir the pot.  What a bad thing.

 

 

Let me get this straight.  An extended family member wants to continue a relationship with you, but because your feelings were hurt when they confronted you about being inflexible and snarky about family photos, you're willing to cut off a relationship with them. 

 

Your husband is missionary? Did he tell people about Jesus, God incarnate, who gave up heaven to be a human who was despised, rejected and tortured to death to reconcile humanity to God even while humanity hated Him?  And during the torture He asked God to forgive them for torturing them? Did he talk on his mission about living like Jesus?  So Jesus can do all that for us, be we can't forgive people who may or may not have had reason to say hurtful things to us? What did Jesus endure for your sake?  What are you willing to endure for His?  A low quality photo?

 

 

 

How unfortunate that should would jump in the fray with the same attitude.

 

 

I don't think it's funny.  I don't understand why you do.

 

 

Then everyone lost. How sad.

 

 

How does that happen?  Didn't your mamma tell you not everyone is going to like you and you're not going to like everyone but you still have to be civil, kind and respectful?

 

 

 

 

So you don't have siblings?  Your parents never yelled at you for anything?  You never had a falling out with a friend/roommate/significant other and had to make up and move beyond it? I'm surprised an adult would be able to say something like that. I'm also being called "selfish" and "spoiled" is bullying in your head. 

 

 

 

I don't think anyone who has cut of relationship with family over the kinds of things you list should be comfortable with it. (There are legitimate reasons, but based on how I think I understand what's going on, I don't see any here.)  Family is a very important thing and every family member is obligated to do what they can to not make things worse and to be quick to reconcile when given the opportunity except for abusive behavior.

 

I think this is a situation where people have had very mixed up priorities and a lot of inflexible attitudes from the beginning that have snowballed out of control.  I'm genuinely concerned about what all the children are learning from the examples they're seeing.

 

 

 

Edited December 27, 2015 by Homeschool Mom in AZ

[PeacefulChaos]

Wow. That was a lot of inferring to make me the worst person possible in the situation, or at least make me feel like it, which is pretty hurtful when I specifically said not to be too harsh on the OP. To call my parenting into question particularly. But I want to answer all your comments and questions but on my phone it is difficult to do so. I'll try to reply when I am on the computer again later.

Edited December 26, 2015 by PeacefulChaos

[bodiesmom]

Wow. That was a lot of inferring to make me the worst person possible in the situation, or at least make me feel like it, which is pretty hurtful when I specifically said not to be too harsh on the OP. To call my parenting into question particularly. But I want to answer all your comments and questions but on my phone it is difficult to do so. I'll try to reply when I am on the computer again later.

I agree. Excellent, clarifying questions were asked, but the judgemental and harsh tone in which they were asked was not.cool.

[PeacefulChaos]

:coolgleamA:

Edited December 27, 2015 by PeacefulChaos

[Catwoman]

 

Your post won't quote properly because you responded within Kara's quote, but I have to say that I am quite shocked at your response.

 

How about a little sympathy for Kara? Why are you judging her so harshly? You practically picked apart every line of her post with a fine-toothed comb, looking for things about which to criticize her.

 

She came here for support and you judged her so negatively. Not only do I completely disagree with your post, but I think your attitude toward her came across in a very mean way.

 

Also, she specifically asked us not to quote her because she may want to delete her post later.

Edited December 26, 2015 by Catwoman

[HS Mom in NC]

You asked what people thought of the situation based on the information you gave them.   I told you what I thought based on what I read.  

[ThisIsTheDay]

I'm not sure that my post made you change your mind about anything, and honestly, that's okay.  I feel like this is something close to you for some reason or that it really bothers you, because you even quoted the part where I asked for replies to be gentle but chose to ignore it.  I hope I at least answered your questions enough to clarify the situation.

 

 

Maybe she's related to those people?  ;)

 

Wow.

 

Kara-- :grouphug:

[Guest]

I could actually tell yesterday that they didn't like me. In a way, there's a bit of relief that comes with the fact that there's no more faking it. But then, at the same time, something about it was uncomfortable to me. When I would speak, they would look at me blankly, with that look that says everything from 'I'm allowing you to talk right now, but I have no interest in you or what you are saying whatsoever' to just plain old 'i don't like you'. You can tell on people's faces, you know? Once or twice, they do it, and it could be that they're distracted or something. All day and it is like, okay...so we're not pretending anymore. That's fine. I can deal with that.

 

And I really thought I was okay with it. Honestly, these people have nothing to do with my daily life. I want so badly to be the person who really doesn't care what people think. Because I've always thought that I am the person who doesn't care what people think.

Well, there's this: you said you felt that they don't like you. Well, they don't.. I know how uncomfortable that feels and I have some iL situations that are fraught with tension as well, so I get it, but for real - you felt they don't like you, because they don't. Honestly, it's okay.

 

I understand the way this feels. My SIL and I were once best friends and we are not friends at all now. There were a couple of things last night, with us all together, where it felt that way, too. When we were getting ready to leave, I was thinking, "this is so awkward, because as people have been leaving, it's hugs all around, but now we're the only families left and if I don't hug her, it will seem so awkward." Also, I had had little conversations with pretty much everybody last night, but not with her; we exchanged no words at all, all night, until within the last few minutes, where I made a joke about the way she phrased something to other SIL. (I did include her in the hugs all around, BTW; I just figured if she wants to look like a b!tch, she can refuse a hug, lol, but at least I won't look like a b!tch not offering one!)

 

I have a hard time coping with people where we just have different values, do not click, or actively have open wounds from previous serious rows. So, Believe me when I say, I understand. I have come to think it is sort of normal to ruminate about issues with two of my SILs; it's evem fairly well-known around here because I have used this forum to process these interactions often. But the bottom line is this: some people, you will not like. Some people will not like you. They may have just cause or it might be "just cause." Fortunatly, among my ILs, the family is large, especially as the oldest neices and nephews grow up, get married, and have kids of their own. It was easy, last night, to just avoid the SIL I didn't care to be around and, other than thinking to myself how irritating her cackling laughter was as she progressively got drunker and drunker, I mostly didn't have to worry about her.

[PeacefulChaos]

Also, she specifically asked us not to quote her because she may want to delete her post later.

Just wanted to chime in that yeah, I'll probably delete the OP as well as my most recent reply sometime tomorrow. Just so no one is like. Wait, where'd that go?

 

Thanks. :)

[Guest]

Just wanted to chime in that yeah, I'll probably delete the OP as well as my most recent reply sometime tomorrow. Just so no one is like. Wait, where'd that go?

 

Thanks. :)

Would you prefer I edit out the partial quote? I forgot you asked for not quoting.

[idnib]

Getting back to the title, I think I would acknowledge and apologize for my role in whatever pain I had caused, ask if we could put things behind us and start fresh, and make it my mission in life to never be in charge of planning anything with these people ever again.

 

It's difficult to come to terms with the idea that you can be yourself and not everyone will like you. It's hard to be someone who is extroverted and generally confident in social situations and then be placed in circumstances in which you lose those things. 

 

Just remember, you can always fall back on good manners. I'm not saying you're ill-mannered, just that all those things people say and do to keep social interactions well-oiled can be relied upon in situations where you feel a bit at sea.

 

:grouphug:

[PeacefulChaos]

Would you prefer I edit out the partial quote? I forgot you asked for not quoting.

 

No, that part is fine.  :)  Thanks for asking.  

[Corraleno]

Kara, I don't think you did anything wrong. It seems like you just got caught in the middle of an unhealthy family dynamic that's existed between these people and your inlaws. In reality, the situation probably has little or nothing to do with anything you did or said — and that's probably why it bugs you so much.

 

I know that if someone doesn't like me for reasons that are actually true (they don't like my politics or values or choices in life or whatever), that doesn't bother me at all. To each his own! But if someone picks a fight with me or accuses me of something that is not accurate, then what bothers me about that is the unfairness of it, not the dislike. And I think the people you (and your inlaws) are struggling with have been unfair to you, and that's what's upsetting. I also think that the nasty things a PP posted about you on this thread are unfair and inaccurate, and I can understand why those would bug you too! But there are always going to be people in your life who project stuff onto you that isn't there — if these incidents you posted about reflect your first/only experiences with people like this, then lucky you, lol! 

You need to just let it go and recognize that this is about them, not you. The person they're mad at is a figment of their imagination, that they've chosen to pretend is you. If you can keep that in mind when you have to deal with them, it may make things easier. 

 

:grouphug:

 

 

[abba12]

Haven't read the other replies, but, just wanted to say as an extrovert with PTSD, that your reaction is quite normal. It's a bit of anxiety, a bit of fight-or-flight, and definitely nothing to feel weird or silly about. Most people will act a little uncomfortable around someone they've had a falling out with, unless they genuinely have mastered the art of not caring (which is not always a good thing)

[Farrar]

The whole money thing was over a few dollars... I'm just... good grief. What's wrong with people. I know we're only getting your side, but it sounds like you were mildly not perfect and they were just mean. I mean, you were snarky, they called you names in all caps and then refused to talk it out.

 

:grouphug:  It sounds like you tried to move on and let it go - not be pals or anything, but let it not bug you - and they don't want you to. They want to give you nasty looks at the family gathering. I agree with Joanne - it's just going to be awkward and unfun. But you probably know the best thing is to show them you don't care. Keep being nice and breezy. Sounds like they're done being overtly mean. And eventually, they'll run out of energy for their ice if you just keep being normal.

[HS Mom in NC]

Wow. That was a lot of inferring to make me the worst person possible in the situation, or at least make me feel like it, which is pretty hurtful when I specifically said not to be too harsh on the OP. To call my parenting into question particularly. But I want to answer all your comments and questions but on my phone it is difficult to do so. I'll try to reply when I am on the computer again later.

 

Were you reading my replies in anything other than a matter of fact tone?  That's how it was intended because that's how I talk and that's how I read other people's posts.  Yes, in replies about family drama (there have been lots of them here at TWTM boards) it's common for people to point out that children are learning from how they see their parents handle family dynamics. I'm reminding you that your children are learning from what they're seeing. 

 

Did you not want people to seriously consider it from the other person's point of view too?  Not to take into account how they may see it and an explaining why they may be reacting the way they are?  When we post here and want to be agreed with we use JAWM in the title so people know to agree with you.  I think it's great we have that option so people are clear on what the poster is looking for.

 

In all your responses you have yet to list things that rise to the level of cutting off family relationships.  No sexually predatory behavior, no boundary violations, no criminal behavior, no psychologically damaging manipulation, no laws being broken, etc.  You list a lot of people disagreeing with each other and venting their frustration with labels like "selfish" and "spoiled" over things like the details of family photo sessions. That's not bullying.  It's just not a big deal to be called those things.  It's irritating and annoying, but it's not bullying.

 

You admit participating in family squabbles online which is like having them in public.  You detail in-laws jumping in and adding to it. All of that has to stop for the relationships to continue in a healthy way.  You made a point to list which relatives agree with you.  Why? You need someone to tell you that it's not healthy how things are going down in your family. You need to stop the finger pointing and arguing and move forward (without looking back) and take an olive branch when it's offered to you.

 

You have quite a list of detailed complaints from years ago.  Legitimate or not, rehashing them isn't going to help the situation. You need to clarify your goals for the relationship.  What do you want?  Do you want it mended and restored? If so, how is what you're doing going to get it restored? 

 

Many parents fail to consciously prepare their children for the world as it is.  It's done out of good intention-they're trying to create the world as they want it to be.  When I use the phrase, "Didn't your mamma every tell you..." I use it as it's typically used, out of compassion for a child who wasn't told what they needed to know so they could be adequately prepared for something in the future. Every child needs to hear that people aren't going to like him or her.  No one is liked by everyone they meet.  No one likes everyone they ever met. Sometimes that's earned and sometimes it just happens for no good reason. We can't go around worried about what we can't control.  People reading this need to ask themselves if they've had that conversation with their kids-if they haven't they need to get on it soon. 

 

I have a very dear friend who cannot tolerate the slightest squabble between her children out of fear of their feelings might be hurt.  To her, warm, comfortable feelings are always, in all situations, the greatest good.  The kids can't even participate in any good natured ribbing or affectionate teasing because it makes her emotionally uncomfortable to think one or both of them might be at risk for emotional discomfort during the banter. They're miserable and hypersensitive children. She's also so sensitive that she takes everything personally and assumes she's under attack by people who openly contradict her.  It's a really hard way to live.  She's usually upset by something.  That should be the exception, not the rule. The kids cry and get upset all the time.  I spend time with her away from the kids because they're always hurt and crying about something: a look they're sure had all kinds of underlying meaning, not being included in everything every sibling is doing, imagined tones of voice, over reacting to actual tones of voice, etc.  Siblings who learn to hear mild arguing, mild name calling and mild insults are children who learn that people who love each other get angry, vent their frustration by saying mean things, apologize, get over it emotionally and move on with their relationship. Then they can take that skill set into adulthood.

 

When you talk about the kind of person that just doesn't care what others think, you have to see that person as a whole, not just one aspect of them.  Another trait they have is that they're not easily hurt or particularly sensitive.  They can hear difficult things and consider them.  They can say difficult things when necessary without fear.  When necessary they can be in especially difficult, awkward situations and get through it without falling apart or feeling compelled to avoid it.  They can endure high levels of serious emotional discomfort for periods of time.  People often mistake that ability as being without emotion, but that's not usually the case. 

 

I grew up around a lot of people like that.  I joke that Mattie Ross (from True Grit-the book version and the good, modern movie version) was based on my mother. She's like that.  I grew up around people in remarkably difficult family situations who managed to keep most relationships going is spite of hard things.  Sometimes it paid off and sometimes it didn't, but they have clear consciences that they did everything they could and sucked up some really tough difficulties for the sake of family. Sometimes you just have to take one for the team and get the potentially crappy free photo even though $10 isn't much to ask. Keeping family relationships is just so much more important. They need to get over their wardrobe preferences too for the sake of the group,  but you can't control them.  You can only control yourself.

[PeacefulChaos]

I'm glad you saw my reply.  I was waiting to make sure you did before I deleted - I now feel comfortable doing so.   :)

 

 

We disagree.  And that's okay.  I actually didn't create this thread in order to receive advice about a situation that happened five years ago that I could do nothing about if I wanted to, and would rather not bother with.  When I asked for advice, I intended it to be about learning how to be okay with these people not liking me - not just people you can easily avoid at school, or at church, but people who are technically 'related' and that you have to have a civil holiday with.  It was about getting used to obvious dislike from people, not even masked anymore, when the feeling isn't mutual.  It was about coming home stressed from a holiday, because that's not what my life has been like in the past.  If that means that I came unprepared to adulthood, I'm okay with that.  Knowing that there will be people out there you won't get along with is one thing (that I've always known).  Going into life expecting people not to like you is entirely different.  Because in all the people I've met in my life, I can count on one hand the number who have actively disliked me, and I'm assuming that most people can say the same.  Generally, life isn't about being disliked - it's about growing and building friendships and relationships.  Not about dwelling on people not liking you.

So this was about advice for making me feel less stressed by an unfamiliar situation.  It was about making sure that I haven't completely lost my marbles when I come home from holidays stressed and physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.  That was, in the past, something I had heard about but never experienced.  It was about making sure that I wasn't the only person on the planet to second guess things I said or the way I acted - that day.  Not five years ago.  

I've been around a few years, too, and I have made JAWM threads before.  This was not one, but it never really occurred to me that that part of the OP would come into play.  I should have specified, perhaps, that I didn't want to talk about that and that it was merely there for history.  My bad.

 

I'm not going to continue to defend the choices I made because I still 100% believe they are the right ones, and without full knowledge of the situation, there is no way anyone can say they 100% agree or disagree with me.  

I cannot remember all the things I was called because I deleted the entire thread of conversations shortly after the whole fiasco.  I remember some things, some of which I listed and some I didn't.  What I can tell you is that I felt attacked, and that it was relentless.  That it doesn't meet your qualifications for such based on the fraction I said doesn't negate that.

Though I agree that online isn't the best place to do things, which I have said repeatedly, a five person private message is essentially the same as an email, and is far from being public.  I wasn't trying to list anything based on 'agreeing' or 'not agreeing', I was, again, giving background information.

I made apologies to these people long ago, before the whole thing was ever over. So as far as I'm concerned, we've always been fine with each other, just not a part of each other's lives. Until seeing them yesterday and the obvious disdain in their eyes, I hadn't really thought much about this situation in a few years.  It happened, but it didn't bother me.  It was over and it wasn't something I had to deal with.  As it was, even writing it this morning, this evening,  it's not something that I'm involved in emotionally - I'm trying to give facts for backstory about my own personal relationship with these people and clarify details that I was asked for.  

There was never a relationship there that I have any interest in mending.  

 

Like your family, I have a clear conscience about everything that has happened in the past.  

 

This post was how to get used to my reality now and in the future.

 

Thank you.

 

:)

 

 

eta: spelling

 

 

 

 

Edited December 27, 2015 by PeacefulChaos

[Tsuga]

I'm not going to read too much into one side of the story.

 

It sounds awkward, and that both of you do better communicating IRL than over email. I agree with the above poster who said this is what manners are for: to smooth over difficult situations. So rely heavily on them. PM Forni has a good book on when people are rude. It is helpful for everyone since nobody's perfect.