Struggling with accepting the "other" child -- a vent

[SeaConquest]

A preface: I will probably delete this post (so please don't quote), but I need to get this off my chest, and I am not sure where else I can say this. 

 

We had a speech eval done on Ronen, and his expressive speech was rated 9-12 months. He'll be starting twice weekly speech therapy soon. He is two, with an August bday. He's an extremely physical, active, fearless, kinesthetic child. His gross motor skills are off the charts. Even his preschool teacher -- who has over 20+ years of experience in early child development -- swears that he's going to be a professional athlete.

 

The problem is: I have a very difficult time relating to him. Communication issues are challenging, and he just flat out wears this [older] mama out. Toddlerhood -- while never easy -- was a cakewalk with Sacha when compared to Ronen. There were no terrible twos, and minimal threenager issues. Sacha and I learn in the same way, and, by and large, we have a pretty peaceful homeschool life together.

 

But, most of the time, I just don't know what to do with Ronen. Sacha and I read for hours at a time when he was 2, usually books that were rated age 4-8 on Amazon. Sacha spoke in full sentences in two languages at 18 months, and potty trained early. He loved puzzles and logic games, and watching science documentaries. Ronen has very little interest in being read to, he throws or eats puzzle pieces, pours juice on games, colors the walls, jumps off the chairs during music class, dives into the pool and hopes someone retrieves him in time, and bolts into traffic and thinks it's funny. And the thought of someday homeschooling this Tasmanian Devil seems like a nightmare.

 

Intellectually, I know that I am not supposed to compare children, and that Ronen has his own unique gifts waiting to blossom. But, if I am honest, I am really struggling with accepting the "other" child. It seems that most of the other people on this board have children who are quite near each other on the cognitive bell curve, but has anyone here struggled with this same issue -- having a child that seems to be a few standard deviations away from his/her sibling?

 

I'm not sure what I am really asking for in this post (other than for someone not to shame me -- I already feel shi**y for feeling this way, yet alone publicly articulating it) -- perhaps anecdotes of other people who struggled with this and came out on the other side with a changed perspective?

[MomatHWTK]

When you have one child, your life is about that child.  You make adjustments for the child's personality, but it is easier because it is just the two of you finding common interests.  Once you have more than one child, you can really come to realize the vast diversity of life.  It is no longer "I like to do this and my child likes to do this, so this is what we do."  With more personalities in the mix, it becomes "I like to do this, she likes to do that, he can't stand either one so we need to compromise."  

 

What I'm seeing in your post is that you had a routine and now  you have to change it.  Looking back on my own childhood, I can see now that my primary care parent did what she liked to do and I was along for the ride.  This worked out fine until my personality developed and what I liked was different.  Then I had a parent who told me, "I just don't understand you," and "you've always been different."  I grew up feeling that I was defective because I didn't fit her ideal.  (Not that a normal parent would do this intentionally- there is a lot of backstory I'm not sharing.) What a good parent can take from my cautionary tale is that the child is going to be who he or she is- this is a wonderful and exciting thing.  It is up to the adult to apply their wisdom and life experience to accept the change rather than expect the child to conform.  

 

As a child who was old even when young, I enjoy interacting with my children who are old spirits; doing so is easy. I can relate as the saying goes.  But, it is unreasonable to expect or even want all my children to have old spirits, or to be good at science or languages or anything else that appeals to me.  I need to find what appeals to them and meet each child where he or she is.  

 

(Which is why I play video games, paint, listening to imaginary stories, study atoms...)

 

With regard to a gifted child, I think you are probably at a disadvantage if the one with the academic talent or the compliant one is your first.  Clearly your first child has some pronounced strengths that have molded your lifestyle and schooling to date.  It's time to shift.  

 

(Note I am using plurals in order to avoid singling out one child.)

I have children who are years ahead of other in various subject areas, despite the age differences. I have children who already achieve in ways their siblings can never hope to match- the natural bent and/or desire simply isn't there. I have children with SN and LDs. Here is what I do: 

 

I don't dwell on comparison, but make note so as not to unintentionally pit the children against each other.  When we do group studies, one may have more answers than another but I remember to draw everyone into the conversation.

I make sure I am progressing them all equally.  If this week was the art museum, next week will be the science program.  

I encourage them to appreciate and lean on each other- "Let your brother help you with that...," "You should ask your sister, I bet she'll know..."

I acknowledge disabilities and personal challenges to the child and to the siblings.  "Yes, your brother does struggle with X, here's how we help him cope..."

 

Step one for you, based on what you've said, is to let go of what you thought life would be like.  Face the change, embrace the change and realize that it won't always be easy, but it will always be worthwhile.   :thumbup1:

[SeaConquest]

Thank you for this post, MomatHWTK. I know that you are right that my husband and I are still adjusting to having an [unplanned] second child. I appreciate the wisdom that you have shared. My younger sister went to art school; I went to law school. I know that she felt inferior for much of her life, and I don't want to be that mom to Ronen. 

[abba12]

Not quite to your extreme, but I did have one toddler who couldn't put two words together until she was almost 3, and another who was speaking in sentences at 16 months or so. The less verbal one was obsessed with making these huge messes, she would scatter her toys to cover the entire floor, or get into the pantry and empty things like flour or eggs regularly. She was active and jumping off things, not climbing so much, but the couch has had a beating. Loved the park. Drawing on walls was a big problem. She liked to be read to for a short period but has no attention span for real reading aloud. Jigsaw puzzles were a lost cause, she understood the peg puzzles but anything beyond that was way too hard. Absolutely stubborn as a mule, and I believe at 2 she was also wandering into the too-deep area of the pool just assuming I'd catch her. (In the end I had to let her stay under for a few seconds longer and scare her. It was safer to let her be afraid of the water than to have her keep walking in when I had my back turned for a moment)

 

But in her case I did notice little things. She precisely laid out her toys, almost like a pattern. She would colour for ages. The big messes seemed to be an achievement and a sensory thing, not naughtiness per se. Her motor skills were exceptional. She noticed everything that was going on around her even if she couldn't speak. 

 

Fast forward to almost 5 years old, I'm fairly sure she is 2e, gifted and aspergers syndrome. She's a grade ahead, going into 1st grade work in January. Those puzzles she couldn't figure out? She's now doing 150 piece ones. The drawing on walls stopped. The big messes have been replaced by surprisingly precise art, or big imaginative games that involve lining ALL the stuffed animals up along the couch. And her verbal skills are caught up almost entirely to her peers. That stubbornness is, well, still stubborn, but it's also becoming determination which is allowing her to meet challenges and persist at hard things longer than most kids will at this age.

 

This may not be the case with your child, I don't have enough information to know. But sometimes the traits which seem impossible at 2 turn out to be amazing at 5, or 10. 

[abba12]

Also, it probably helps a lot that my trouble child was my eldest. I had no idea how hard she was until I discovered how easy my second child, who is quite gifted and also very compliant, was and compared them. If I'd had her first I don't know how I would have coped. I can see how I might have struggled with comparing them in the wrong way, whereas having just my difficult one on her own meant that I was seeing the little things and positive signs in her actions without expecting what I'm seeing in my easy child. 

[quark]

I wanted to give you some hugs. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I have no clue how to parent a child like that but I was like that when younger, very different from sibs, so very different physically that it is painful for me to watch my non-physical only kid...and I was forced to become compliant to be more like my older sib (like MomatHWK, there's some backstory here). I couldn't exercise my will or follow my dreams or need to be always banging things together, or stomping or climbing. It is also a very sensory need. Movement fulfills a huge need within me. Not being able to do it, not being encouraged, being controlled really reduced me and who I could have been.

 

It's easy for me to comment as an outsider and suggest things but I don't know how realistic it is for you to apply any of it. Sounds like anything outdoorsy would be his cup of tea. Something that keeps him always moving, running, but at least for now in a fenced in place. He sounds like a delightful little Labrador puppy. :) If he is already doing swimming, could you up this a bit (as long as it's safe? Can't think of anything else for a 2yo...is trampolining safe?). Sounds like you need to really wear him out?

 

So sorry if nothing I've said works or helps. I just wanted you to know that it's ok to feel this way...I know my parents did and I don't blame them. It couldn't have been easy for them.

[Arcadia]

My younger is much slower at getting things done which affects scores on timed tests. Poor kiddo has to do test prep.

 

My brother is not a book learner which affects all the "gatekeeper" exams he took.

 

Your description reminds me of Aimee's Marvelous Flying Marcos.

[MomatHWTK]

Oh yes, lawyer/intellectual with physical child and not expected- you have a lot of mental adjustments to make.  I say this with empathy for where you are in the journey- you have to do what it takes to make the adjustment.  You are the one with the maturity to change, not the child.  Read books, see a therapist, study the posts of parents who are further along in the journey, but apply yourself to the task.  

 

I do "clash" with the personalities of some of my children and I've chosen to be honest with them about the conflict. But I always make sure I explain that it is a difference in personality and needs, NOT that one way is superior to the others. 

[SeaConquest]

Not quite to your extreme, but I did have one toddler who couldn't put two words together until she was almost 3, and another who was speaking in sentences at 16 months or so. The less verbal one was obsessed with making these huge messes, she would scatter her toys to cover the entire floor, or get into the pantry and empty things like flour or eggs regularly. She was active and jumping off things, not climbing so much, but the couch has had a beating. Loved the park. Drawing on walls was a big problem. She liked to be read to for a short period but has no attention span for real reading aloud. Jigsaw puzzles were a lost cause, she understood the peg puzzles but anything beyond that was way too hard. Absolutely stubborn as a mule, and I believe at 2 she was also wandering into the too-deep area of the pool just assuming I'd catch her. (In the end I had to let her stay under for a few seconds longer and scare her. It was safer to let her be afraid of the water than to have her keep walking in when I had my back turned for a moment)

 

But in her case I did notice little things. She precisely laid out her toys, almost like a pattern. She would colour for ages. The big messes seemed to be an achievement and a sensory thing, not naughtiness per se. Her motor skills were exceptional. She noticed everything that was going on around her even if she couldn't speak. 

 

Fast forward to almost 5 years old, I'm fairly sure she is 2e, gifted and aspergers syndrome. She's a grade ahead, going into 1st grade work in January. Those puzzles she couldn't figure out? She's now doing 150 piece ones. The drawing on walls stopped. The big messes have been replaced by surprisingly precise art, or big imaginative games that involve lining ALL the stuffed animals up along the couch. And her verbal skills are caught up almost entirely to her peers. That stubbornness is, well, still stubborn, but it's also becoming determination which is allowing her to meet challenges and persist at hard things longer than most kids will at this age.

 

This may not be the case with your child, I don't have enough information to know. But sometimes the traits which seem impossible at 2 turn out to be amazing at 5, or 10. 

 

I relate to so much of this. He is indeed stubborn as a mule. Unbelievably, counting to 3 still works with Sacha (at almost 7). Ronen thinks it's a hysterically funny game to ignore me. I've tried reverse psychology, but even that doesn't work. He has a mind of his own. On the plus side, because things have generally come easily to us, Sacha and I both struggle with perseverance. Ronen. Does. Not. Give. Up. I have to admire his grit. 

[SeaConquest]

You are the one with the maturity to change, not the child.  Read books, see a therapist, study the posts of parents who are further along in the journey, but apply yourself to the task.  

 

This is going to be my mantra. 

[Pegs]

I have no wisdom to offer here, but couldn't read and run. I applaud you for bravely seeking guidance on this one.

[SeaConquest]

I wanted to give you some hugs. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I have no clue how to parent a child like that but I was like that when younger, very different from sibs, so very different physically that it is painful for me to watch my non-physical only kid...and I was forced to become compliant to be more like my older sib (like MomatHWK, there's some backstory here). I couldn't exercise my will or follow my dreams or need to be always banging things together, or stomping or climbing. It is also a very sensory need. Movement fulfills a huge need within me. Not being able to do it, not being encouraged, being controlled really reduced me and who I could have been.

 

It's easy for me to comment as an outsider and suggest things but I don't know how realistic it is for you to apply any of it. Sounds like anything outdoorsy would be his cup of tea. Something that keeps him always moving, running, but at least for now in a fenced in place. He sounds like a delightful little Labrador puppy. :) If he is already doing swimming, could you up this a bit (as long as it's safe? Can't think of anything else for a 2yo...is trampolining safe?). Sounds like you need to really wear him out?

 

So sorry if nothing I've said works or helps. I just wanted you to know that it's ok to feel this way...I know my parents did and I don't blame them. It couldn't have been easy for them.

 

Gosh, thank you! This helps so much. We swam almost every day all summer, and he goes to swim lessons twice per week (plus preschool, plus nearly daily park visits -- care of the San Diego weather). He is very outdoorsy. Loves animals and craves movement and novelty. We don't have a trampoline, but he is currently balancing on our pumpkin on the balcony (we also had to block off the balcony because he frequently shimmied across to our neighbor's balcony -- again, he thought it was hysterical, no fear at all). My husband is much more the adrenaline junkie (though, I do have my moments) and athlete (he makes everything look effortless), but he has a physical job, and even he struggles to keep up with Ronen (who rarely naps and often stays up to 11pm+).  

[MomatHWTK]

Oh my middle son (now I've outed him) does not give up.  You say "impossible," he says "but what about..."  This is a powerful character trait that will carry him far- if he survives childhood.  LOL!

 

Resource:

http://sizzlebop.com/

[rdj2027]

I was wondering where my youngest one went :tongue_smilie: I am more than happy to tell you more privately but I would rather not put our way out here.  Once I understood how he learns and how he "ticks", life became much easier for ll of us.  He is now 14 and still in a class of his own but he is by far my "easiest" teenager.

[rochenan]

Don't feel bad.My oldest two are bright and always did things early especially my 2nd son. My third son well is a handful. Completely different from me, no fear, risk taker, climber, hardly spoke more than a handful of words until he turned three. Can't leave him alone for more than a minute because he will get into mischief. That being said he sees the world differently than the other boys. He responds to situations differently. He learns through experience and only recently started to enjoy books. Now that he is closer to four and talking all the time it is definitely easier to relate to him and understand his perspective. Have hope. Also, this sounds kind of an odd approach but try different shows or even books with him. Try them one at a time. If he sits and listens great if not try something different. By different I mean topics, math books, fiction, books without words, books with one word per image, books that are long or short, books that were fairy tales. Show him baby einstein, umizoomi, little bear, wallykazam. Once my son saw umizoomi there was a huge leap in development. Not that he was 2 and counting and adding, but he sees shapes in everything and umizoomi helped him make sense of that. Also, baby Einstein and wallykazam, leapfrog and super why really helped him with his language development. I didn't have to do this with my older two, but it really helped my third son a lot. Hope this helps!

[Arcadia]

On the bright side, I have never needed a gym membership. I did had to put both kids in parents night out at the kids gym many times just for me to catch a nap. One kid sleeps past 1am, the other wakes up by 7am. DS10 stopped napping before one years old and had outside toilet phobia until after eight years old. I did memorized where the family restrooms are and which stores have those.

[MinivanMom]

My oldest is my little mini-me. She was so bright and so verbal and so compliant. She looks like me, reacts like me, loves the things I love. My younger daughter was the complete opposite: severe language delays, the hysterical howling that came with not being able to communicate, the crazy intensity all the time. It was really rough from about 2-4 yrs of age, and it was hard not to compare them. I didn't think my younger daughter would ever be able to talk or would ever stop tantruming or would ever just sit still for one second. And I will admit that in my heart, I really mourned at the idea of having a child that was not very bright like the others.

 

I had a family tragedy occur around the same time (when younger dd was just 2 & older dd was 6), and it was so overwhelming to be dealing with that and to have to deal with this crazy child that I just did not understand on top of all the stress of handling the tragedy. One day we were in the bathroom together (cause she had another accident), and I just broke down and started sobbing hysterically cause I could not deal. And I just had this epiphany sort of moment where I realized that I had become my mother, and I didn't want to be my mother because she was so terrible to me. She hated me and my personality and my reading and my quiet, academic ways, and I was this amazing, overachieving child, but she always made sure I knew there was something wrong with *me* for being different from her. And here I was feeling that same way about my younger dd, and I did not want to be *that* mother. And of course I was dealing with grief and stress, but it was this really hard, humbling thing to realize how easy it would be to feel that way about younger dd and treat her the way I had been treated. And for the first time, I felt some compassion for my mother and the way she felt about me.

 

I just decided I was going to love younger dd and I was going to love the things she loved and somehow I would make it work. And there was a period where I really threw myself into giving her all the love and attention and interventions she needed, even though she was sucking up the greater share of my attention and energy in a family with a lot of young kids needing attention. She made huge leaps in her speech between 4-6 yrs, and once she could communicate better, everything got better. I'm sometimes so surprised at the things she loves and enjoys, but I do my best to throw myself into it. I love those things, because I love her. She's still crazy stubborn and intense, but that intensity also gives her this amazing passion and perseverance, and she loves me with the same intensity she puts into everything else.

 

The surprising thing at the end of the day is that she has turned out to be probably the brightest of my kids. I was prepared for her to be my special-needs kid, and it turns out that all my kids are quite close to each other in academic abilities, but she just makes little leaps and connections that the others don't. Her intelligence is just different than her older siblings. Her intelligence is more stubborn and mathematically oriented, less showy and verbal. Definitely do the evaluations and the interventions, but I just wouldn't make too many assumptions about the academic abilities of a 2-yr-old at this point, because so much can be hiding behind that language delay.

[Sarah0000]

My first is my bright, compliant child. My second hasn't hit one year old yet so the verdict is still out on him, but he's definitely not as careful and compliant as my first. I may be in your shoes in a couple years!

 

Are you doing ASL with your second child? My first son was speech delayed, but we taught him some ASL, and we still had a very similar experience as you and your first child. I wonder if your second child would engage more in your read aloud and quiet times if he could communicate better with you...

[laundrycrisis]

You are going to grow personally from everything you learn by parenting this child.  It is humbling.  Preconceived ideas are trashed.  You will let go of and walk away from a lot of things.  Others, you will learn to run away from.  You'll find joy in situations where you never thought it would be.  You will end up with a completely different concept of patience.  It's going to be a ride.  Saddle up and embrace the learning and adventure.  Along the way, develop some mental survival strategies for yourself.  They help.  

 

One book you might find helpful is Living With the Active Alert Child by Linda Budd.  It was a major help for me just to know that someone understood the world I was living in.  

[Arcadia]

My kids enjoyed baby sign language classes and then signing times dvd even though they talked early. The first thing they remembered were the food and drinks signs.

Rock climbing at a rock climbing center was what could tire them out enough to sleep. They could do 3hrs of gym and still be full of energy unfortunately for us parents. They could climb way before they were willing to walk so a toddler on top of the piano or scaling racks wasn't surprising.

 

ETA:

My former neighbor's oldest son climbed my parents main door grille when he was a toddler.  It was funny seeing a less than 2 year old high up on your door frame.

[Have kids -- will travel]

No advice just some sympathy! I've heard your same story from lots of times from other mothers, including the one who finally understood why those other kids climbed on everything and failed to listen: her first was compliant and easy, and her second couldn't be kept still!

 

Don't discount the younger one yet, though. My difficult child is the 5yo, our oldest, and at age 2 you wouldn't have known how far ahead he'd be now (a worryingly high level, TBH). He's still incredibly active, but it's calmed a lot. YDS is so compliant and peaceful that I would have really struggled to have ODS afterwards. Now I know it's just their respective personalities.

 

So while your oldest will always be easier, you may not need to fully discount your younger child academically. Age 2 is very young to really tell.

[Tsuga]

I find it difficult to relate to the child who is less like me as well. Luckily she was my first so I had already developed an appreciation of her strengths before I got the kid who was my little mirror: my little airplane.

 

By the way... the wee one didn't talk until three. She was also off-the-charts mobile, dextrous, and just... we called her boom-crash. We still do.

 

I will probably delete this later but hell, why not. The thing is, the little one? The less verbal one, who was in the 1st percentile for produced speech (but 99th for receptive) at two? The one who is left-handed? The one who learned to ride a bike at three by herself and has, as a hobby, taking said bike to steep hills? Who can't memorize speech for anything?

 

She's the one the teachers and sitters say is gifted, a genius. The older one is bright, very bright, and very artistic and sensitive. But the little one, she's off the charts.

 

So you never know.

 

Flyers are the best. They are so fun. 

 

 

 

Ronen has very little interest in being read to, he throws or eats puzzle pieces, pours juice on games, colors the walls, jumps off the chairs during music class, dives into the pool and hopes someone retrieves him in time, and bolts into traffic and thinks it's funny. And the thought of someday homeschooling this Tasmanian Devil seems like a nightmare.

 

So where exactly did you think they got jet pilots and helicopter mechanics from anyway? :) Who is going to pilot the Red Cross helicopters into the mountains, I ask you? Someone's got to do it.

 

Does he have a toy helicopter yet? My little boom crash wasn't much good with electronics but she loved building helicopters.

 

Also, the walls. Yes, I know. I know. They're nice.

 

But have you ever really looked at what a gorgeous white plane that was? I mean really. Think of it like, what is the hugest piece of paper you'll ever get, and how big is that? What sane two-year-old could resist that? What is wrong with all the kids who just sit with a crayon and never try?

 

How can one's self-control be greater than the desire to paint a canvas at that age?

 

I think creating an environment in which his need for speed and need for motion are appreciated can start you in the right direction.

 

Does he have a swing? Both my kids are in constant motion. The swing helps. Get that child a sit-n-spin.

 

My older daughter, my difficult one, she loves to spin and tumble. The look of joy in her eyes when doing gymnastics brought tears to my eyes. My sweet girl... all she wanted to do was bounce and flip.

 

Diving. Running. Skiing. Kayaking. (I saw a family towing a baby in a tow kayak on a flat lake... that child was in heaven, I truly believe it is not possible that anyone could be happier than the child paddling his own kayak.)

 

So on the one hand, yes, I get it. You are not alone. It is hard not to enjoy the company more, of that child with whom you have a lot in common. And fliers are hard.

 

But fly with them.

[Tsuga]

 

 

Rock climbing at a rock climbing center was what could tire them out enough to sleep.

 

That might be so but I wouldn't count on it. ;) Some kids just keep going. We have bouldered for five hours straight and what did my fool kids do in the Taqueria that night? The little fools tried to scale the side of the stairs.

 

Because they were there.

[Incognito]

FWIW, there are benefits and detriments to both kinds of parent/child relationships.  

 

When you have a mini-me, it is easy to accidentally assume things about the child's desires/goals/dreams, and they are so pleasantly compliant that you have to be vigilant not to steam-roller them into taking the paths you want them to take.

 

When you have a high-energy opposite, it is draining and you have to make a strong effort to connect in different ways, but you don't have to worry as much about them not self-actualizing because you got in their way.  They are strong personalities. :)

 

Also, I have kids with similar levels of "giftedness", but they each look totally different from the other.  I thought you couldn't get more opposite than my first two, then we added a third and we found that there is an alternate universe where opposites can consist of 3 diametrically-opposed things.  

 

You talk about late speech, but the actions of your younger child show a lot going on in that little noggin.  It is not particularly unusual for kids who focus on motor skills to to lag in speech - and vice versa.  So beware.  However intellect pans out, once you are able to get past your need to re-frame the present and future (no more "if not" fantasies or "but"s), you'll find that passionate children can evoke equal passion in moms who love them.  I say this as someone who has had to re-frame her future - it takes effort, but if you put in the effort it is worth it and your mental shift will come.

 

 

[abba12]

I'm surprised and encouraged that there's quite a few people who's active, challenging kids were also very bright. I think they're just too busy observing the world and discovering things to be bothered with talking, and too driven and creative to care about rules. That's always been my theory with my eldest, but I'm seeing it seems to hold true for others too. Don't make assumptions about those standard deviations just yet OP. 

 

After reading this thread I'm very grateful I had my challenging child first. I really learned to appreciate the bright, observant, curious, determined child behind all that 'misbehaviour' and lack of interest in books/puzzles. I remember crying to my husband when she was little that I didn't know how to parent because I knew those very traits that were so difficult right now would become wonderful character qualities when she got old enough to direct them.... but, I also had to ensure she survived long enough to get to that point! I'm fortunate that I was actually the trouble child as well, eldest was very similar to me and I recognized some of the traits for what they were early on. I knew I never wanted to break that stubbornness, because stubbornness and determination is the reason I survived my not-very-good adolescence. I didn't want to break that opinionated nature (and even at two and non-verbal she was opinionated!) because I remembered being the same way myself, and I value the independence I have and feel it's important to think about and examine every decision and idea. It really, really sucks that wonderful adult traits are so often extremely difficult toddler traits. 

 

 

So where exactly did you think they got jet pilots and helicopter mechanics from anyway? :) Who is going to pilot the Red Cross helicopters into the mountains, I ask you? Someone's got to do it.

 

Does he have a toy helicopter yet? My little boom crash wasn't much good with electronics but she loved building helicopters.

 

Also, the walls. Yes, I know. I know. They're nice.

 

But have you ever really looked at what a gorgeous white plane that was? I mean really. Think of it like, what is the hugest piece of paper you'll ever get, and how big is that? What sane two-year-old could resist that? What is wrong with all the kids who just sit with a crayon and never try?

 

How can one's self-control be greater than the desire to paint a canvas at that age?

 

I love this. So much. I'm sure quiet, compliant smart kids do amazing things, but the world needs the crazy, stubborn, creative smart kids too. 

 

Also, you bring up a good point with movement. As a child I was always on my bike or trampoline. My children adored their jolly jumpers as babies, and are always moving and fidgeting and bouncing and running. As an adult in hindsight, the movement calmed me down, calmed stress and nerves and relaxed me. I can only assume it does the same for my kids. So see if you can do something with that.

[abba12]

By the way... the wee one didn't talk until three. She was also off-the-charts mobile, dextrous, and just... we called her boom-crash. We still do.

 

Oh, I knew I forgot to quote something else from your post. This

 

We called ours The Destroyer Of Worlds, after this picture

http://s3-media4.fl.yelpcdn.com/bphoto/HP72H3RoD5lnLNf5IgAdSw/o.jpg

 

It was rather accurate by the time she destroyed a room with a carton of eggs (that carpet was never the same), the week after destroying the lounge room (and our vacuum cleaner!) with a bucket of fireplace ash that hadn't gone out to the bin when it was cleaned the night before. 

[RootAnn]

:grouphug:

 

Kudos to you for putting it out there & opening your mind to how to make things better for you both. (You will probably never feel the same level of affection for both of them. You will definitely never feel the same *way* about both of them.) 

[MinivanMom]

FWIW, there are benefits and detriments to both kinds of parent/child relationships.  

 

When you have a mini-me, it is easy to accidentally assume things about the child's desires/goals/dreams, and they are so pleasantly compliant that you have to be vigilant not to steam-roller them into taking the paths you want them to take.

 

*snip*

 

This.

 

My younger dd was so hard as a toddler, but those traits that felt difficult when she was little are wonderful now that she's older. She knows what she wants, and she is blazing a trail over you to get there.

 

My oldest dd has become much harder as she transitions to the teen years. I mean, she's angelically compliant and always hardworking and helpful, but is she doing things because she really wants to do them or because she thinks I want her to do them? If I (unintentionally) influence her or live through her now, I know she will probably resent me later. I feel like I'm always walking this thin line where I try so hard not to over identify with her or to unintentionally influence her toward the things I wish I could have done if I hadn't grown up in such hard circumstances. She isn't me. She isn't my do-over. 

 

Younger dd is easy by comparison. She does not hesitate to tell me who she is and what she wants . . . loudly. There's no chance of accidentally stepping on her.

[SeaConquest]

There is so much wisdom here. Thank you all so much for the support. We're schooling this morning, so I am short on time at present to respond, but just wanted to thank you all for sharing your experiences. :001_wub:  

[SanDiegoMom]

I have a similar child -- however she is 15 now, was my first, and was a girl.  She didn't speak until around 18 months, and then just a few words.  She was extremely active. She was the latest to read (at 5 1/2!) and has been so stubborn all her darn life.  Everything was a battle -- she never gave in on anything at all.  Bedtimes, tv times, meals, homework, playdates, shopping trips, EVERYTHING involved a negotiation.  I was so darn lucky she was my first - I thought this was completely normal! My younger two (the ones that are homeschooling) are for the most part complaint, easy-going kids.  I at times hated to even be around my oldest-- I dreaded her coming home from school because it always involved fighting.  And now she is awesome.  And I am so happy she is so strong willed because she can stand up for what is right without fear, she would NEVER be walked on, she hates social injustice -- she has learned where to use her skills of negotiation that she so willingly practiced on us for years :-)  It was NOT EASY.  There was so much screaming.  And grounding. 

 

Just learn to grit your teeth and remember that the world needs strong willed kids too!  If I could only give my youngest daughter a backbone... she would be led by anyone! Its very scary! But she is definitely the easiest to be around and I am complimented all the time on my raising such a sweet and loving daughter. Ha! As if I did anything that much different! 

[prairiewindmomma]

I love the pp's advice and commiseration..... I also wonder if there is a bit of grieving involved. You not only are dealing with the unexpectedness of this pregnancy, but you're also realizing that you have a long road ahead of you in adapting to the needs of your younger kid. My kids are ALL over the board--I have a couple of 2Es in the mix as well--and it is a stretch on my mental/emotional/physical resources to try to meet all of their needs.  I find that I have to plan physical activity purposefully into my day to keep my crazies happy while I am working with my more sedate kids.

 

One of the best tools in my toolbox is turning on an audiobook for my quieter kids while I spend one-on-one time with my crazies.  My other best tip for crazy 2 year olds (and I've got one!) is to get alarms on all of your doors and windows. Those kids can bolt fast.  

 

Also, amazon sells 30 packs of magic erasers (generic) for $8.

 

You might want to look into PECS if the verbal skills continue to lag and there's no interest in signing.  Giving my kids the ability to express themselves and connect cut down on the destruction.  Specifically, PECS for activity choices ended dumping all of the toys, and PECS for snacks (& a lock for the pantry!) ended the pantry explosions.

[Squawky Acres]

I understand the havoc an active two-year-old can bring to a beautifully operating homeschool situation, and the temptation to compare a "slower"-seeming sibling to a precocious early talker; but I do want to encourage you not to think of your second as several standard deviations below your first.  I doubt that is true.  Siblings tend to be close in IQ -- although their giftedness may unfold in different ways.  Early physical milestones can also be a mark of giftedness.

 

From my experience with two-year-olds (I have had five), I can say that language skills at this age can vary greatly, and do not seem to have anything to do with later language skills.  I had the obviously gifted kid who spoke in full sentences before his first birthday, but I also had a two-year-old who barely spoke when he turned two, but was quite advanced physically (I would catch him swinging from the water pipes in our basement if left unsupervised).  He became fully conversant by the time he turned three, and had also taught himself to read and write in that time.  A lot happens in the year between two and three.  

 

It sounds as if you are getting him appropriate speech therapy and giving him lots of physical outlets.   I would just focus on loving him, talking to him, keeping him safe (!), giving him physical outlets, reading to him, and including him in your day as much as possible.  Once this difficult phase is over, I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

[Cake and Pi]

My older three are obviously very intelligent, though they showed it in very different ways when they were 2 and under and one probably qualifies as 2E.  My youngest, 2yo, is delayed pretty much across the board.  Thus far, he's hit all of his major milestones at about twice the age as my older boys.  I've mostly come to terms with the fact he's different, and everything in me hopes that he will surprise all of us one day by blossoming into someone remarkable.  But it breaks my heart to think that he may not have the same potential as his older brothers.  I agree with the others that giftedness looks different in different people, and sometimes you have to let yourself grieve (and then move on) when you don't get the child you expected.

[SeaConquest]

I think that you are right that I have been unintentionally grieving on some level. We were just emerging from the toddler stage with Sacha when I found out that I was pregnant with Ronen -- two weeks before my husband was scheduled for his vasectomy. I had been in the hospital, and the stress/meds threw off my cycle. But, even back then, it was clear that Ronen was a stubborn soul -- he clearly really wanted to be born!

 

I had terrible ppd with Sacha (I have bipolar), so we prepared ourselves for the worst again. My husband took a year off from work so that he could help me, and we moved to Mexico so that we could afford to have household help. What we weren't expecting, after a 31 hour labor and a vaginal birth with Sacha, was that Ronen's labor would end in a c-section after 36 hours of labor and him going into distress. Thinking that I had a proven pelvis, I was completely unprepared for a section, and the Mexican hospital wanted to discharge me after only 24 hours (and with only some ibuprofen for pain relief). Though we tried to prepare ourselves, we found ourselves still completely blindsided by the l&d. While those circumstances don't really have to do with Ronen per se, I think that, as some of you astutely pointed out, there is some element of unfinished grieving that is an undercurrent to my sense of overwhelm.

 

I have felt better today. You all have given me a new perspective on the matter -- something for which I am truly grateful. I picked him up from preschool today to find him putting magnetic gears on a whiteboard. His teacher told me that he was the only kid who was able to line them up in such a way that they all turned when you cranked on them. So, I promise not to write his noggin off too quickly. After school, we went to the park. He wanted to go on the big kid swing, as some other kids were doing (to date, I have still had him in the baby swing) Suffice to say, he had a total blast, and was flipping upside down gleefully until he looked like he was about to pass out. If he makes it to 18, it will be a miracle. ;)

 

I will look into additional ways to try to wear him out. I was already planning to add soccer in the spring, but I will also look into a rock gym or tumbling class. We have watched Signing Times videos, which he likes, and he has picked up some basic signs. He actually has a lot of words, and is putting words together; it's more that his articulation is poor.

[ikuradesuka]

I don't have time to read all the responses, so I'm sorry if this has been said.  

 

I just wanted to throw out there that my most energetic and difficult child seems to have some food issues.  I don't want to start you on a crazy journey, but if you've never considered food allergies, it may be worth a ponder.  Dd is a different child when I watch what she eats.  If I don't, she can't control herself, takes HUGE and CRAZY risks, doesn't sleep, etc.  We used to joke that she didn't come with a cause and effect connection.  Except, it wasn't funny.  Among other very scary things, she jumped in front of a car on purpose when she was three.  She has also nearly drowned, had some run-ins with electricity, etc, etc, etc.  I'm not a distant parent, either.  I was close to her for all of those events, and that's probably why she is still alive.  She's just so unpredictable and so fast...it's amazing.

 

Fast forward to her lovely 5 year old self.  I know better what's coming if I've fed her the wrong things and can compensate.  I also thought she was significantly less bright than my others, but that wasn't true at all.  Now that she is able to sit still for longer, she pleads with me to tell her more information, to read another book, to do more math.  She wants to be a surgeon and will spend hours watching surgeries on youtube.  Huge change from the child who couldn't sit still long enough to hear Go, Dog, Go until about a year ago.  She asks complex and deep questions, and I'm amazed to hear what has been flitting behind those eyes since she was tiny.  I have no doubt that she's as bright as the others now.

 

Also, she had a bad fall (from being her crazy self), at three.  We took her to a chiropractor, and she was really out of place.  The chiropractor found some issues that probably happened when she was born, as well.   Regular adjustments changed her behavior and her focus tremendously.  

 

And...she needed glasses.  It is highly possible she didn't enjoy sitting for books (or anything) when she was small because she couldn't see them, and her back hurt.  :(

 

So, just consider whether there might be physical causes that make him seem so on edge all the time.  

[abba12]

I have felt better today. You all have given me a new perspective on the matter -- something for which I am truly grateful. I picked him up from preschool today to find him putting magnetic gears on a whiteboard. His teacher told me that he was the only kid who was able to line them up in such a way that they all turned when you cranked on them. So, I promise not to write his noggin off too quickly. After school, we went to the park. He wanted to go on the big kid swing, as some other kids were doing (to date, I have still had him in the baby swing) Suffice to say, he had a total blast, and was flipping upside down gleefully until he looked like he was about to pass out. If he makes it to 18, it will be a miracle. ;)

 

Ha! After DD1 was walking (12mo, despite reaching all other physical milestones early, because she had an awful fear of falling down, it was kind of funny actually, and the reason she wasn't a climber) she would NOT allow me to put her in that baby swing. You've done well to keep him in it that long! lol. I remember taking her to the indoor play center at 18mo, and she absolutely refused to play in the toddler area, she insisted on playing in the 3 storey structure. And, my goodness, she did it too. She was on the huge bouncy slide and the net bridge up the very top and the ladders (it was all enclosed, no risk of falling except for within the structure itself). The other parents looked at me like I was crazy, what on earth was I doing letting my 18mo climb up a 3 storey structure intended for kids 5+. and go down a giant bouncy slide alone. I think my poor grandmother, who was with me, almost had a heart attack when she got to the bridge. I have pictures of that day. But she was so happy, she loved it. If I can get her to survive to adulthood I'll be happy, nevermind the rest of it!

 

Glad to hear about the gears, that sounds like the sort of thing my kiddo would have loved. Puzzles were boring, but hands on fiddly stuff like that suited her perfectly. 

[EmilyGF]

 

And...she needed glasses.  It is highly possible she didn't enjoy sitting for books (or anything) when she was small because she couldn't see them, and her back hurt.   :(

 

So, just consider whether there might be physical causes that make him seem so on edge all the time.  

Yes, get eyes checked. We used to joke that our first kid was the fine motor skill kid, the second the gross motor skill kid. Turns out second child just couldn't see anything. The moment she got the right glasses (it took two tries) she never took them off because they gave her a whole new world. And she developed fine motor skills and a love of being read to.

 

Hugs. My non-talker was my first so I didn't know anything different. 

 

Emily

[MinivanMom]

*snip*

 

I will look into additional ways to try to wear him out. I was already planning to add soccer in the spring, but I will also look into a rock gym or tumbling class. We have watched Signing Times videos, which he likes, and he has picked up some basic signs. He actually has a lot of words, and is putting words together; it's more that his articulation is poor.

 

One of the things we discovered with younger dd was that much of the communication problem was due to the fact that she had severe articulation problems combined with a high IQ. If she had been coming up to me and trying to say, "Milk," as she pointed at a glass, then I wouldn't have had so much trouble understanding her. But when she comes up and tries to say, "I'm feeling frightened, because I had a dream that a monster was trying to tear my hair," then I'm listening to this long garbled communication thinking, What did she just say??!! And I would ask her to repeat it and watch her mouth really carefully, but would still only catch one or two words. I'd ask her to repeat it again and pretty soon she'd be sobbing and tantruming in frustration, and the whole thing was so frustrating. 

 

I would really focus on the speech therapy. Being able to communicate makes such a huge difference.

 

*snip*  

 

And...she needed glasses.  It is highly possible she didn't enjoy sitting for books (or anything) when she was small because she couldn't see them, and her back hurt.   :(

 

So, just consider whether there might be physical causes that make him seem so on edge all the time.  

 

I completely forgot to mention this about my younger dd. We took her in for a regular preschool eye check at her 4th birthday, and when they tried to check her right eye, she said very nonchalantly (but garbled), "I only see colors in that eye." It turned out she could barely see out of that right eye, and the eyesight she did have was rapidly deteriorating. We had no idea, because she really didn't show any physical signs and was still struggling to communicate clearly with us. After very intense treatment and patching, her eyesight can now correct to 20/30 and her depth perception appears to be normal. So there was a very real physical reason for why she had no patience for listening to books, watching movies, or doing anything that required sitting and quietly looking. Without the condition being caught fairly early and treated, the loss of sight could have been permanent.

[SeaConquest]

One of the things we discovered with younger dd was that much of the communication problem was due to the fact that she had severe articulation problems combined with a high IQ. If she had been coming up to me and trying to say, "Milk," as she pointed at a glass, then I wouldn't have had so much trouble understanding her. But when she comes up and tries to say, "I'm feeling frightened, because I had a dream that a monster was trying to tear my hair," then I'm listening to this long garbled communication thinking, What did she just say??!! And I would ask her to repeat it and watch her mouth really carefully, but would still only catch one or two words. I'd ask her to repeat it again and pretty soon she'd be sobbing and tantruming in frustration, and the whole thing was so frustrating. 

 

This is exactly what is happening. He makes these long sentences, which he repeats verbatim, but they are unintelligible. I can only understand him when he uses obvious words in context, or puts a few short words together. But the long sentences? Forget about it. He does have an upper lip tie (which the ped said that he would likely bust from being such a daredevil), so I am hoping that the speech pathologist will check to make sure there isn't anything anatomical going on.

 

Re vision, Sacha had amblyopia and astigmatism, and I have myopia, so it's definitely on my radar. I haven't yet seen anything to indicate Ronen is having issues (I had a gut feeling that something was happening with Sacha). Ronen's been able to kick balls accurately while running since he was about 14-15 months -- stuff like that.

 

I signed him up for soccer starting next week, and I think I will buy him a mini trampoline for Hanukkah.  

[SeaConquest]

Ha! After DD1 was walking (12mo, despite reaching all other physical milestones early, because she had an awful fear of falling down, it was kind of funny actually, and the reason she wasn't a climber) she would NOT allow me to put her in that baby swing. You've done well to keep him in it that long! lol. I remember taking her to the indoor play center at 18mo, and she absolutely refused to play in the toddler area, she insisted on playing in the 3 storey structure. And, my goodness, she did it too. She was on the huge bouncy slide and the net bridge up the very top and the ladders (it was all enclosed, no risk of falling except for within the structure itself). The other parents looked at me like I was crazy, what on earth was I doing letting my 18mo climb up a 3 storey structure intended for kids 5+. and go down a giant bouncy slide alone. I think my poor grandmother, who was with me, almost had a heart attack when she got to the bridge. I have pictures of that day. But she was so happy, she loved it. If I can get her to survive to adulthood I'll be happy, nevermind the rest of it!

 

Glad to hear about the gears, that sounds like the sort of thing my kiddo would have loved. Puzzles were boring, but hands on fiddly stuff like that suited her perfectly. 

 

This is exactly Ronen. We had Sacha's 6th birthday party at this place: http://urbanjunglefunpark.com/  Ronen went on everything except the rock wall (and not for lack of desire -- they had a weight minimum). He was 18 months at the time. I constantly have other parents trying to stop him from doing things on the playground; I have to assure them that, no really, he can do it. 

[MinivanMom]

This is exactly what is happening. He makes these long sentences, which he repeats verbatim, but they are unintelligible. I can only understand him when he uses obvious words in context, or puts a few short words together. But the long sentences? Forget about it. He does have an upper lip tie (which the ped said that he would likely bust from being such a daredevil), so I am hoping that the speech pathologist will check to make sure there isn't anything anatomical going on.

 

*snip*

 

This was the most frustrating period for us. Her older brother (son w/constitutional growth delays) was her buddy and constant companion during this time. Somehow he was always the best at understanding her, and we finally reached a point where we were using him as a translator. He could figure out what she was saying when nobody else could.

 

There was never any anatomical reason for her articulation problems; she just had to be painstakingly taught how to articulate every.single.sound. At 2 yrs, nobody in the family could understand anything she said. At 4 yrs, older ds could understand her about 80% of the time and I could understand her about 50% of the time, but people outside the family couldn't understand her at all. By 6 yrs, she just had a slight lisp and could be understood by everyone. It was a huge turnaround. Now you would never guess that she ever had any kind of speech problem. 

[pinewarbler]

I have read this forum for a few years and it has been a lifeline for me to know that there are people coping well with their challenging gifted kids. I have used so many resources that all of you have posted. I have wanted to post many times, but am only getting around to it now. Maybe this isn't the best thread to debut on, as it is so serious, but this one really hits home.

 

I really feel for you, and am glad you brought up such a difficult topic. You might be posting soon that with better articulation your son can clearly communicate, and a whole new world has opened up. It is too early to tell whether you have another gifted child, but in the meantime, all the excellent suggestions re: signing and eye tests I think are worth pursuing.

 

I am glad I had an easy child the first time around! Smart, fairly compliant, joyful, talking at 9 months, reading at 2, turned out gifted. It helped me to know what was possible. And although I went through a similar grieving/ floundering process as you with my second, I think knowing what was possible was a good thing. My expectations were high and with his guidance we came to a meeting in the middle. That middle was a place where his output became high, but never done the 'right' way, or the 'easy' way. It was never done my way.

 

"No" was always the answer to any direct question. He couldn't leave the house when we needed to because he wanted to continue with what interested him. He dropped naps before any other child I knew so I never got a break, or time with the eldest. He wouldn't go to sleep at night. He took apart everything he could get his hands on. He didn't crayon the walls (that was his Dad, the artist, with a red crayon), but it felt as if he did anything else possible. He wouldn't sit in a baby swing or sit in my lap.. he wasn't the calm loveable child I had first.

 

Worst still, he wouldn't sit to hear me read to him. My first child sat for 3 hours a day (over the course of the day) to listen, to do puzzles. I was so worried about that part that I tried everything. Audiobooks played when I was busy. I put him in a playpen with a toy and read to him so he couldn't get away. When he ate, I put him in a high chair and read to him every second. I swear I chased him around the house reading to him!

 

He didn't sleep, and he was a super picky eater. I realized both those things made his behaviour worse, but had no solutions.

 

And as we got out of toddlerhood, do you know what I came to understand? He isn't gifted. He is profoundly gifted. Assessment last year at age 8 confirmed what I already knew. Which means that I do have children a standard deviation apart. At the time it felt like multiple deviations.

 

He didn't need to sit to listen to me read, he could mulit-task like no one you've ever seen. He has heard every word I have ever spoken. He has a love of puns, he's dislikes arbitrary rules, he has a deep sense of justice, and he loves physics. Now I finally know why he didn't sit still, or why he laughed at our rules, or why he dismantled everything. And he has multiple life-threatening food allergies (along with asthma and eczema). Hence the picky eating.

 

I won't tell you that everything will get easy. You're probably in for the ride of your life. Who knows what is going on in the brain of a little one, or what they'll be like as a preschooler, or a 9 year old. But looking back, I realize that it was that floundering process that brought incredible riches to our family. I was sad because I wanted things to be perfect; they ended up better than perfect.

 

The skills we all had to gain in order to show him that we accepted him into our family we will own forever. My eldest just realized something I've known for years... she has become the best debater AND problem solver of anyone her age.. all skills learned by dealing with the baby. And she can wait for things. Because of the youngest, she has a persistence that helped her deal with 2 years of illness and still keep going.

 

Years of learning how to effectively advocate for a PG kid in the public school system, after-schooling him every year, and educating the school board/ teachers/ councillors about anaphylaxis has made me think that an adult CAN get smarter. So much of my time is spent gathering resources for my kids, enabling their crazy projects and passions. I'm pretty sure that I'm stronger, smarter and higher functioning than I was 9 years ago because I've had to run, strategize, research, debate, outwit, and adapt adapt adapt. Oh, and I'm happier.

 

Did I know that we would come through it so well when he was 2? No. I think I spent a lot of time crying with fatigue, pulling my hair out and possibly pleading? Oh, and complaining to my friends! 

 

I heard the complex systems theorist Brad Werner on the radio today speak about healthy systems requiring resistance. When everything is easy and running on low friction, the system dies. My youngest is that resistance, and I have to love him for that. But, really, why couldn't he have come with an instruction manual??

 

Do you know what my day was like today with him? I picked him up at school for lunch and we walked home smiling in the sunshine discussing the thermals that facilitate hawk migration. He politely asked me if I could make lunch for him while he got his costume. On his own, he decided to set the kitchen timer so that we wouldn't be late going back. When it went off half an hour later, he said "Mom, I'm giving you a heads up that you still have 5 minutes to go to the washroom before we have to head back. I worked extra wriggle room in for us today." When I gave him my "this is the scariest day of the year for me... don't eat any unlabelled candy" speech, he opened his eyes wide as he looked into mine and said "I know how important this is, I won't break the rules." It does get better.

 

 

 

[LTBernard]

I haven't read all the pp, but wanted to go ahead and reply.  I have 2 very different children as well.  My first used to crawl to me dragging a book and just want me to read over and over.  He told me he wanted to learn to read "all by himself" at 2 (and did), he thrives on being able to show off how smart he is and gets very upset if he doesn't underrstand something. 
My DD would crawl away from me if I tried to read to her, but would look at the book on her own, when I started working with her at 3 to try to read she told me, "I will learn at 4." She has never been one to show anyone she is smart on purpose. 
That being said I have had them both tested and both tested extremely highly.  DS scored great across the board.  DD actually beat him in the first 3 of the 4 subtests, however she bombed the 4th one.  I asked her about the 4th test and she said it was given last and she was just over it.  So while she comes across as not as smart as him, she obviously is (and really more so).  I had always known she was smart b/c she would let things slip so to speak, but I was truly blown away when she outscored him on 3/4 of the test. 

I say all that to say, just because Ronen is not showing it now, does not mean he isn't just as intelligent as Sacha.  Of course, he also might not be, but don't rule it out just yet.

[Laura Corin]

What I found in that situation was that adapting for the second child (Hobbes) was actually good for all of us: we got more exercise, were outside in open spaces more. It forced us out of our cosy safe zone in a positive way.

Over time, Hobbes and Calvin have actually become more alike, meeting in the middle. And Hobbes, who seemed quite extreme, has turned out to be the one with more balanced skills to meet the world, whereas Calvin struggles with change.

[Laura Corin]

[about discipline]

With Hobbes, my second, the more I pushed him away through counting to three, naughty step, time outs, the more he would act out.  The only thing that worked was gathering him to me: giving him a big, inescapable hug, talking to him about how we all needed to help each other and work together, then taking his hand and accomplishing the task together.  He was so different from Calvin and needed different techniques.

[pinewarbler]

The only thing that worked was gathering him to me: giving him a big, inescapable hug, talking to him about how we all needed to help each other and work together, then taking his hand and accomplishing the task together.

 

This is really important.

 

You CAN come to terms with the fact that this is going to be a very different experience, and pull it together and do it.

 

Once I could believe that, I just had to work the bond I was developing with him, not try to fix the problem we had. That way we could come to together in a way that both of us could accept a solution.

 

We do everything hard together. We discuss our different solutions and we support each other.

[Reefgazer]

All I can say is that I have (well, had, because things are more even now) two like this. DD, the oldest, was a cakewalk to raise and a dream as a toddler. DS was a handful- needed speech therapy, walked/talked/read/wrote on then late end of normal (and needed speech therapy), stubborn as a mule, and wore me the heck out with his constant physicalness. I gave up and flat out let DH deal with him until he was older-I just couldn't handle that kid. "That kid" just turned eleven and is so easy to homeschool now, and so much more advanced for this age and more capable than I gave him credit for. Don't know how or when it happened (sometime after we brought him home for school, I think), but he is an easy kid now. I can already see that I am going to have problems homeschooling him in the not too distant fiuture because he will outpace my capabilities in a few years and I am going to have to scramble to find a way to challenge this one. Give it time...you just don't know what the next 5 years or so will look like.

 

ETA: I agree with the poster above me ...work the bond you have. I did what I could to maintain whatever bond DS and I had when he was younger, however tenuous (we both like to go out and eat, so that's was what he and I did, and still do), and it's really paid dividends because I can converse with him on such a wide range of topics and absolutely enjoy his company. But I still don't get his little math oriented engineering mind, LOL!

[Reefgazer]

DS was unintelligible at 1 1/2, as well. Dropped all his dang consonants (yup, I had to figure out what the heck he as saying just by listening to vowels!). He had to be taught explicitly to pronounce the consonants, but it only took 1 1/2-2 years of speech therapy and he is fine now.

 

This is exactly what is happening. He makes these long sentences, which he repeats verbatim, but they are unintelligible. I can only understand him when he uses obvious words in context, or puts a few short words together. But the long sentences? Forget about it. He does have an upper lip tie (which the ped said that he would likely bust from being such a daredevil), so I am hoping that the speech pathologist will check to make sure there isn't anything anatomical going on.

 

Re vision, Sacha had amblyopia and astigmatism, and I have myopia, so it's definitely on my radar. I haven't yet seen anything to indicate Ronen is having issues (I had a gut feeling that something was happening with Sacha). Ronen's been able to kick balls accurately while running since he was about 14-15 months -- stuff like that.

 

I signed him up for soccer starting next week, and I think I will buy him a mini trampoline for Hanukkah.