When your elderly parent moved in with you....

[Laura Corin]

There's an outside chance that my 91 year old mother might move in with us.  It might not happen, it might be temporary, or it might be permanent.  She is opinionated but not (for want of a better word) toxic.  She has lived on her own for thirty years but has managed to fit in fine when she has stayed with us previously - clearly living with us would be very different from coming for a visit.  She does not need constant supervision or nursing - she's just very very tired, and in need of an easier life.  She is mentally sharp, just repeating herself a bit.

 

Things that I have in my head:

 

- How did you give your parent and you some space?  She would have her own large room with her own bathroom, and space for an arm chair and small table in her room.  When she has stayed with us before, she has retired for naps and at other times.  Husband and I go for a brisk walk after supper each night, so that would give us couple time.

 

- Meals: she doesn't like fish; we eat fish a lot.  Would I just offer her an omelette or something on fish nights?  I can't see not eating fish for the next ten years, but obviously I don't want to force her to eat something she doesn't like.  I would offer the chance to cook for herself (and us if she wishes) as much as she wishes, but would assume that Husband and I would do most of the cooking. 

 

- Husband: he works from home; I work outside the home full time.  He likes my mum and is a very, very sweet and caring man, but I'm concerned about their being thrown together too much.  He would lock himself in his office for most of the day - he does that a lot anyway - but presumably they would lunch together each day, and he would be the one around for any emergencies.  I'm concerned that if she gets more frail, he would end up being her first-line carer (even if we were able to get outside help) and I don't want that to become a source of stress in the family.

 

- Dealing with deafness: she wears a hearing aid, but only in one ear (she doesn't like the idea of two) and she finds fast conversation hard to catch.  The hearing aid is decent quality - Husband has two of the same kind - and she has had it adjusted regularly.  Should all conversation in her presence be slow and loud, or can the existing back-and-forth of family life continue?  I'm really torn on this: of course she should be included, but I really value the experience of robust family conversation in my sons' lives.  I suspect she hasn't been wearing her hearing aid much, as she has been living alone: the more you wear them, the better they work, so there's hope that she might actually hear better if she lives with us.

 

- Money: if she comes to us permanently, she will be selling her own house.  Her living with us will add only minimally to the family budget, but she will feel better if she is contributing.  If I ask, should I just ask her for the equivalent of her proportion of the food budget?

 

- All those other things I haven't thought about....

 

All ideas and warnings gratefully received.

 

L

[Jane in NC]

Laura,

 

The concerns you mention are those of the present; I think you may also want to consider the inevitable issue of decline.

 

Is your house handicap accessible?  Obviously the entire house need not be but the path from your mum's room to the bath and kitchen?  Do you have a walk in shower as opposed to a step in tub?

 

I am mentioning this because the lack of accessibility is what prevented my Dad from moving in with my sister who had considered it.

 

I would have a conversation about the financial aspect.  Your mother might want to contribute to more than food--perhaps utility fees. She could feel more "at home" and less a guest that way.

 

Does your mother watch a lot of television?  Loud radios and televisions can be a distraction in a household. 

 

One thing that we found with my parents and my husband's was that they wanted to be independent beyond the time when they should have been independent.  A dear friend is going through this now.  My friend can no longer drive and had been relying on her children.  Now she utilizes a senior driving service so that she can shop independently, go to the library, etc. How are senior services in your community?

 

 

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:  Prayers for you as you consider this crossroads.

 

 

I have not had a parent live with us full time, but I did live with my elderly in-laws for a few months while we were transitioning to a home in a different state.

 

With my dear, lovely in-laws, I have found--

 

--Routine is important to them. They do not function well with a crazy up-and-down schedule. I didn't have a choice about my crazy schedule, so I compensated by putting our day's events in writing on the refrigerator for them to consult.

 

--I was in their space, so this may not be an issue for you. They struggled mightily with integrating my stuff and their stuff. Even though I did virtually all the cooking while I stayed there, they could. not. cope. with all the food four extra people need. Their cabinets were half empty, but it was dreadfully upsetting to them to have lots of stuff cluttering up their bare cabinets. I think some of their stress stemmed from the visual clutter and the sheer full-ness of stuff in the space. My f-i-l used to say things like, "We had better eat to clear out some of this food." Since our time with them was short-term, I ended up keeping almost all "our" food in the basement. (Which is humorous because "our" food was actually the food I cooked for ALL.) There was a fridge down there for cold storage, and I kept my spices and canned goods, etc, in boxes and a metal cabinet. When I needed to cook, I filled a plastic bin with the necessary supplies for the meal, cooked, and then carried it all back to hide in the basement. Food clutter was a big issue, but they also struggled with other stuff. We kept things neat and clean and did not have a ton out anyway, but four extra people do generate stuff. I had to be really, really strict about making sure the kids' backpacks went only to their room, for example. 

 

--On fish nights, I would suggest cooking a chicken filet or pork chop or something on the side. Something easy to heat in one pan, hopefully even using the same spices. If she is not too frail to cook, there's no harm in her cooking her own main dish.

 

--I think your concerns about your husband are valid, and I see this as the biggest issue of all those you put on the table. Is there any chance, as she becomes more frail, that you can get a government carer to come sometimes? I know vaguely that they do that sort of thing in Scotland, but I have no idea how that actually works. Another idea may be to rent office space for your husband somewhere? A friend of mine did this--in their case, her husband rented a room from his own parents and operated his business there. This issue should be approached carefully and re-evaluated at regular intervals.

 

--Deafness: My mother-in-law had this issue. She hates wearing her hearing aids, though in her case I think encroaching dementia makes it difficult for her to filter all the auditory stimulation. We chose to speak normally. I found her sense of disconnect could be eased by two things. One is physically being near her and touching her. The other was to interpret "bigger" moments to her. For example, if we were talking about school, I might just throw a few summary statements her way, such as, "Dd did well on her test." Obviously there were some conversations we slowed down and specifically included her for, but most of the time we spoke normally.

 

I know my experience doesn't approximate yours very closely, but for whatever it's worth, this is what I gleaned living with them. 

 

 

 

[KungFuPanda]

My grandmother is your mother's age and lives with my Mom. Mom has a single-level house which is part of the reason Mamaw moved. Since mom has a LR and a FR, they set one of them up the way Mamaw likes it. I think the hardest thing for mom was living by Mamaw's routines. She's very organized and mom is very adaptable and flexible, so dinner at 5pm exactly was never a priority before. Until my grandmother moved in, Mom never knew what time the mailman was 'supposed' to arrive nor was she ever annoyed if he was 'late.' Mamaw won't travel, so they have to get someone to stay with her if they go out of town for a few days.

 

There will be little inconveniences. They do have meals Mamaw doesn't like, but they always have alternatives she does like on hand. My grandfather lived with mom before he passed and that was much easier on mom just because his personality was more relaxed and easier to live with. She was definitely glad she had that experience with Papaw. She came home from work to have lunch with him. With Mamaw she hid at work a bit. Now she's retired and the togetherness is getting to her a bit. Still, she'd make the same decision if she had a do-over.

[Laura Corin]

Laura,

 

The concerns you mention are those of the present; I think you may also want to consider the inevitable issue of decline.

 

Is your house handicap accessible?  Obviously the entire house need not be but the path from your mum's room to the bath and kitchen?  Do you have a walk in shower as opposed to a step in tub?

 

I am mentioning this because the lack of accessibility is what prevented my Dad from moving in with my sister who had considered it.

 

I would have a conversation about the financial aspect.  Your mother might want to contribute to more than food--perhaps utility fees. She could feel more "at home" and less a guest that way.

 

Does your mother watch a lot of television?  Loud radios and televisions can be a distraction in a household. 

 

One thing that we found with my parents and my husband's was that they wanted to be independent beyond the time when they should have been independent.  A dear friend is going through this now.  My friend can no longer drive and had been relying on her children.  Now she utilizes a senior driving service so that she can shop independently, go to the library, etc. How are senior services in your community?

 

Those are all good points.  Her bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and sitting room are all on one level, and the shower is walk-in.  The television room is on another level but is open plan, so having the telly on loud would be a big issue.  She might be willing to wear headphones - she wore them in hospital - or we could offer her a telly in her bedroom.  Difficult to broach, so good to think about in advance. 

 

She definitely has lived alone too long - a recent stay in hospital has brought home to her that she really needs help, thank goodness.

 

There are free home helps, hygiene services, etc for elderly people here, but I don't know how it works for people living with family.  And also, I don't know how well she will accept them.

 

One really good thing is a taxi service that people can use for the price of a bus - it was cheaper than keeping lightly-used bus services going.  So even though she doesn't drive, she would be able to get out and about on her own.

 

--Routine is important to them. They do not function well with a crazy up-and-down schedule. I didn't have a choice about my crazy schedule, so I compensated by putting our day's events in writing on the refrigerator for them to consult.

 

......

 

--I think your concerns about your husband are valid, and I see this as the biggest issue of all those you put on the table. Is there any chance, as she becomes more frail, that you can get a government carer to come sometimes? I know vaguely that they do that sort of thing in Scotland, but I have no idea how that actually works. Another idea may be to rent office space for your husband somewhere? A friend of mine did this--in their case, her husband rented a room from his own parents and operated his business there. This issue should be approached carefully and re-evaluated at regular intervals.

 

--Deafness: My mother-in-law had this issue. She hates wearing her hearing aids, though in her case I think encroaching dementia makes it difficult for her to filter all the auditory stimulation. We chose to speak normally. I found her sense of disconnect could be eased by two things. One is physically being near her and touching her. The other was to interpret "bigger" moments to her. For example, if we were talking about school, I might just throw a few summary statements her way, such as, "Dd did well on her test." Obviously there were some conversations we slowed down and specifically included her for, but most of the time we spoke normally.

 

 

Thanks for your input - lots to think about.

[BigMamaBird]

 

 

Does your mother watch a lot of television?  Loud radios and televisions can be a distraction in a household. 

 

 

My Dh uses a Roku box on our TV, something about picking up signals from our antenna or the internet or something.  It has a feature where you can plug headphones into the remote.  So when I'm doing school planning he can watch his Star Trek and I don't have to hear about what the Klingons are up to.  If your Mom needs her TV up distractingly loud, it might be worth looking into some sort of system with headphones so it doesn't cause you and your family stress.

[Rebel Yell]

No answers for the BIG questions, but about meals: Just cook a piece of chicken or a small thin steak on "fish nights." One of my DDs will NOT eat fish, so I just cook a piece of chicken for her. Same meal/sides, sometimes I start the chicken sooner since it takes longer to cook. It is almost zero extra work for me.  Unless your mom loves omelettes and you love making them... :coolgleamA:

[Laura Corin]

No answers for the BIG questions, but about meals: Just cook a piece of chicken or a small thin steak on "fish nights." One of my DDs will NOT eat fish, so I just cook a piece of chicken for her. Same meal/sides, sometimes I start the chicken sooner since it takes longer to cook. It is almost zero extra work for me.  Unless your mom loves omelettes and you love making them... :coolgleamA:

 

I think I was thinking of omelettes because she, like a lot of Brits of her generation, did not grow up with big bits of meat on her plate - too expensive - so an omelette would fit more into her idea of good food.  I definitely would mix it up though, if she wanted.

[Tree Frog]

Those are all good points.  Her bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and sitting room are all on one level, and the shower is walk-in.  The television room is on another level but is open plan, so having the telly on loud would be a big issue.  She might be willing to wear headphones - she wore them in hospital - or we could offer her a telly in her bedroom.  Difficult to broach, so good to think about in advance. 

 

She definitely has lived alone too long - a recent stay in hospital has brought home to her that she really needs help, thank goodness.

 

There are free home helps, hygiene services, etc for elderly people here, but I don't know how it works for people living with family.  And also, I don't know how well she will accept them.

 

One really good thing is a taxi service that people can use for the price of a bus - it was cheaper than keeping lightly-used bus services going.  So even though she doesn't drive, she would be able to get out and about on her own.

 

Thanks for your input - lots to think about.

 

We found with MIL that she preferred not to have family help her with her hygiene; it preserved some of her dignity. She now has an aide who comes in 3 times a week to help her shower and nurses on call who can help with other issues.

 

:grouphug:  Prayers for you as you consider this crossroads.

 

 

I have not had a parent live with us full time, but I did live with my elderly in-laws for a few months while we were transitioning to a home in a different state.

 

With my dear, lovely in-laws, I have found--

 

--Routine is important to them. They do not function well with a crazy up-and-down schedule. I didn't have a choice about my crazy schedule, so I compensated by putting our day's events in writing on the refrigerator for them to consult.

 

--I was in their space, so this may not be an issue for you. They struggled mightily with integrating my stuff and their stuff. Even though I did virtually all the cooking while I stayed there, they could. not. cope. with all the food four extra people need. Their cabinets were half empty, but it was dreadfully upsetting to them to have lots of stuff cluttering up their bare cabinets. I think some of their stress stemmed from the visual clutter and the sheer full-ness of stuff in the space. My f-i-l used to say things like, "We had better eat to clear out some of this food." Since our time with them was short-term, I ended up keeping almost all "our" food in the basement. (Which is humorous because "our" food was actually the food I cooked for ALL.) There was a fridge down there for cold storage, and I kept my spices and canned goods, etc, in boxes and a metal cabinet. When I needed to cook, I filled a plastic bin with the necessary supplies for the meal, cooked, and then carried it all back to hide in the basement. Food clutter was a big issue, but they also struggled with other stuff. We kept things neat and clean and did not have a ton out anyway, but four extra people do generate stuff. I had to be really, really strict about making sure the kids' backpacks went only to their room, for example. 

 

--On fish nights, I would suggest cooking a chicken filet or pork chop or something on the side. Something easy to heat in one pan, hopefully even using the same spices. If she is not too frail to cook, there's no harm in her cooking her own main dish.

 

--I think your concerns about your husband are valid, and I see this as the biggest issue of all those you put on the table. Is there any chance, as she becomes more frail, that you can get a government carer to come sometimes? I know vaguely that they do that sort of thing in Scotland, but I have no idea how that actually works. Another idea may be to rent office space for your husband somewhere? A friend of mine did this--in their case, her husband rented a room from his own parents and operated his business there. This issue should be approached carefully and re-evaluated at regular intervals.

 

--Deafness: My mother-in-law had this issue. She hates wearing her hearing aids, though in her case I think encroaching dementia makes it difficult for her to filter all the auditory stimulation. We chose to speak normally. I found her sense of disconnect could be eased by two things. One is physically being near her and touching her. The other was to interpret "bigger" moments to her. For example, if we were talking about school, I might just throw a few summary statements her way, such as, "Dd did well on her test." Obviously there were some conversations we slowed down and specifically included her for, but most of the time we spoke normally.

 

I know my experience doesn't approximate yours very closely, but for whatever it's worth, this is what I gleaned living with them. 

 

The bolded is what we've done with our MIL. She doesn't live with us, but as a family we frequently visit. It would make an incredibly tedious conversation if we needed to slow down and be louder so she could understand everything. I've also found that sometimes she hears us fine and tells us to "not yell", but sometimes she can't follow if we use the same loudness of voice.

 

We have also found she likes her space considerably warmer than we like simply because she gets cold easily. Would your mom be able to control the temperature in her space without affecting the rest of the house? Or does she like to wrap up in blankets to stay warm if the house is cold?

[Laura Corin]

 

We have also found she likes her space considerably warmer than we like simply because she gets cold easily. Would your mom be able to control the temperature in her space without affecting the rest of the house? Or does she like to wrap up in blankets to stay warm if the house is cold?

 

My mum fears the cold in Scotland, but it's actually only a couple of degrees colder than where she lives now.  Her current house is uninsulated and is heated by a few electric heaters.  She would find our house warmer, I think, but I do want her to be cosy. She's used to wrapping up warm, but we also have radiators with individual controls, so she can make her room warmer if she needs to.

[SebastianCat]

One thing I hadn't considered when we moved our IL's out of their home of 20+ years into an assisted living facility was dealing with the STUFF.   An elderly person who has been living in their own home for many years will have a very difficult time paring down to just one bedroom.    What will you do with furniture?   Pictures?   So many memories will be tied to things, and it will be very difficult to just get rid of everything.

 

Since none of their children lived in the same city as my IL's, and we moved them to an ALF in the same city as DH's sister, that meant that no one was local to empty the house, manage an estate sale, take care of house maintenance, make repairs, and manage the sale of the home.   DH took care of all of the details, but we live 4 hours away and it meant several trips back & forth.   It took about 15 months to finally sell the house (even with hiring a local caretaker, yard service, estate sale company, and real estate agent - it would have been much longer had we tried to do all of those things ourselves).  

 

I would also have a plan for what you will do if this living arrangement no longer works.  Start looking around and have an open dialog with your mom about where she would go if she gets to the point physically or cognitively where she can no longer live with you safely.   

 

Have legal paperwork, like durable power of attorney, medical power of attorney, living wills, medical surrogates, drawn up and in place before she moves.    Make sure all family members know all of those details.

 

Think through things like vacations, holidays, family outings, etc.   Will she go on vacation with you?   Will she go with you if you travel to visit your DH's family?   Will you be expected to host a huge family gathering for holidays so other family members can visit her?   If she doesn't go with you on vacations or other family trips, will she be able to stay by herself?

 

Think about things like doctor's appointments.   Can she follow doctor's orders independently, or will she need someone to go with her to make sure instructions are followed?   Will she need to switch doctors, get medical records forwarded, etc?   Will she still be driving on her own, or will she need transportation?    If she is independent now but her ability to be independent with these tasks declines, who will be responsible for them?

 

How will she keep in touch with friends?    Will she need her own phone line?    What will her social needs be?

 

Hope these ideas help.   These were things I wouldn't have naturally thought of, but they all have come up with my ILs.

[SharonM]

I will be watching this thread with interest, my mil is coming to live with us soon. We are going to buy a new house together. She will pay for the house and we will have the ongoing exp. utilities, taxes, repairs, ins. So she can better live with her pensions.

I am really thinking bout what it will look like.

I also think that you and your dh are doing the best thing by having her with you. I am hopeful that many conversations about what expectations are and how to try to make everyone happy will work to keep the peace.

Blessings

[gardenmom5]

mil lives with sil.  she has a very large room with en suite for her use.  she has a microwave and small fridge.  so, she has access to food and snacks at her convience etc.  (she's in a wheelchair, and it is up three steps to the main house.  it is flat to go outside.)

 

if she doens't like what they're having, there are either leftovers, or something that can be easily prepared.  (even in her heyday - she wasn't a cook.)

 

 

[Laura Corin]

One thing I hadn't considered when we moved our IL's out of their home of 20+ years into an assisted living facility was dealing with the STUFF.   An elderly person who has been living in their own home for many years will have a very difficult time paring down to just one bedroom.    What will you do with furniture?   Pictures?   So many memories will be tied to things, and it will be very difficult to just get rid of everything.  Good thinking.  Right now, she just wants to be rid of stuff - it's overwhelming to her.  If there was a permanent move, things might be different.

 

Since none of their children lived in the same city as my IL's, and we moved them to an ALF in the same city as DH's sister, that meant that no one was local to empty the house, manage an estate sale, take care of house maintenance, make repairs, and manage the sale of the home.   DH took care of all of the details, but we live 4 hours away and it meant several trips back & forth.   It took about 15 months to finally sell the house (even with hiring a local caretaker, yard service, estate sale company, and real estate agent - it would have been much longer had we tried to do all of those things ourselves).  My brothers live fairly close to the house - if I end up caring for Mum, they would do the rest, I think.

 

I would also have a plan for what you will do if this living arrangement no longer works.  Start looking around and have an open dialog with your mom about where she would go if she gets to the point physically or cognitively where she can no longer live with you safely.   I've mentioned in passing that she might need to go into a home if she needed more than we could provide.  My cousin essentially put her life on hold for years (and broke up a relationship) to look after Mum's sister, who had Alzheimers - at the time, my mum didn't approved of that. Things are different when it's you having to go into a home, however.

 

Have legal paperwork, like durable power of attorney, medical power of attorney, living wills, medical surrogates, drawn up and in place before she moves.    Make sure all family members know all of those details.  She also has a durable power of attorney set up for legal and financial decisions; my brother and I are named.  I'll look into what the UK equivalents of the other documents are.

 

Think through things like vacations, holidays, family outings, etc.   Will she go on vacation with you?   Will she go with you if you travel to visit your DH's family?   Will you be expected to host a huge family gathering for holidays so other family members can visit her?   If she doesn't go with you on vacations or other family trips, will she be able to stay by herself?  Very good questions.  I will talk to husband about holidays/vacations.  Husband's parents are both dead.  Maybe she could sometimes go with us and sometimes stay with my brother?  It's a long way to my brother's house.  I really need to think that through.  She's not at all sociable and would rather not attend big gatherings.

 

Think about things like doctor's appointments.   Can she follow doctor's orders independently, or will she need someone to go with her to make sure instructions are followed?   Will she need to switch doctors, get medical records forwarded, etc?   Will she still be driving on her own, or will she need transportation?    If she is independent now but her ability to be independent with these tasks declines, who will be responsible for them?  She will need to switch doctors - it's all NHS, so transferring records should not be an issue.  There is a free taxi service for the elderly in this area, so she should be able to get around on her own, if she wants to.  The issue of future decline is something that Husband and I have talked about - at that stage, she will need to accept outside helpers, as both Husband and I have to work - both are salaries are necessary.

 

How will she keep in touch with friends?    Will she need her own phone line?    What will her social needs be?  She has no friends, and has no interest in making them.

 

Hope these ideas help.   These were things I wouldn't have naturally thought of, but they all have come up with my ILs.

Thanks - lots of good things to think through.

[kroe1]

We have a handicap friendly home. The elderly have the master bedroom because it allows wheelchair access. The elderly still make their own food, but it is not healthy so I try to make sure they get vitamin and fiber supplements. Luckily, our house is fairly large and everyone has his own space. Like any other phase in life, one gets used to the change.

 

Start exploring all your resources now so you can plan.

 

1. Activities she can attend or do at home.

2. Know your Meals on Wheels, hospice, home nurse options, etc.

3. Know how to drive to the nearest ER.

4. Get her a doctor before she moves. (We found after my mother moved in, no one took Medicare.).

5. Make your house safe. This means removing area rugs and anything between her bed and the bathroom.

6. Get used to sleeping with night lights on in the hallway.

7. Put all your breakables away in the attic.

8. Make local funeral arrangements.

[HS Mom in NC]

My grandparents, in their late 80s at the time, lived with my mother for the last 4 months of Grandad's life and the last 3 years of Grandmother's.  Grandad had leukemia and Grandmother had dementia.  Both were hard of hearing and wore hearing aids.  Both were very sweet and easy personality types to live with. My 3 brothers and I were all local and we were all the 2nd line of care taking. 

 

Lessons Learned

 

Elderly people should be encouraged to do for themselves and others as much as possible.  Having nothing to do and being waited on makes people feel useless and causes them to physically and mentally break down faster.  If it's medically advisable and it's something she's done all along so far,  I'd ask Granny to help out with cooking lunch and light household tasks.  Maybe, if she likes being outdoors, she can do something regularly like sweep a walkway, trim the rose bushes, fill the bird feeders or whatever fits your situation.

 

Most people contact hospice and other types of in home care later than they should.  We did hospice for Grandad at my mom's house and at a nearby facility with Grandmother.  Having those things lined up and and interacting with the staff as soon as you can can not only add an extra layer of help for the patients, but it can also really help the full and part time caretakers. We so deeply appreciated the staff and all their helpful suggestions, insights and encouragement along the way.

 

Be mentally a step or two ahead of where you are now.  Things can change quickly.  Grandmother had a stroke a month before she died.  Everything changed to a high level of care immediately.  I think mom was a little overwhelmed at first.  I think she had been hesitant to think through things getting worse but then bam! everything got worse in an instant  and she not only had to think about it, but she had to deal with it too.  Grandmother was the sweetest little southern belle you ever met, but when the dementia got worse and then the stroke hit she was more irritable because she was confused, so it was harder to get her to cooperate. 

 

Sometimes someone else needs to handle it.  When Grandmother had her stroke (a month before she died) she didn't understand at first that all those strangers asking her personal questions and poking and prodding at her were medical staff.  Mom was really frustrated. She had medical power of attorney and was the primary caregiver which put so much pressure on her.  So, in the emergency room with Grandmother upset and mom flustered I said, " May I speak with all the staff outside the room please?" When they were out I explained.  "Grandchild is a very privileged position with her. If you need her to answer a question or do something, you tell me first, and I'll get her to do it." I went back in and explained to her very slowly, "Grandmother, this nice lady is the nurse. She wants you to put your arm out so she can take some blood." Then she asked, "Why?" So I told her, "Well, you know how they are.  The doctors need to check and double check every little thing and so they send the nurses to do it. We wouldn't want the nurse in trouble for not getting it done."  Then she was perfectly happy to comply.  She was the same with my biological brother too so we made sure one of us was present during waking hours and mom could have the night shifts which were usually not busy. Sadly, she wasn't able to remember my step-brothers every consistently. We had to keep letting new staff know that in ICU and at the hospice facility too.  There isn't a space on the paperwork next to medical power of attorney for "person to go between the staff and the patient."

 

Care taking is hard. My mom had a hard time with the idea that sometimes, there are no bad choices.  She would really stress over the right thing to do, forgetting that all of the options are perfectly valid.  No one should beat themselves up over failing to predict the future.  Everything has pros and cons.  You do the best you can and that's all you can do.  Should she insist my Grandmother not eat ice cream for dinner because of her blood sugar?  Well, if you make it to your late 80s and you want ice cream for dinner, is it really worth a quarrel? Grandmother had high blood pressure.  You have to factor is emotional upset to her overall health. Should she put a woman with a wobbly walk on an anti-anxiety med that might make her feel emotionally better but causes dizziness?   If she falls and breaks a hip, it's unlikely she will have any chance of a recovery. Grandmother had eye problems.  There was an eye surgery that could improve things but Grandmother was very resistant.  Should a woman easily confused and upset be forced to have eye surgery and go through the recovery she's unlikely to co-operate with so she can preserve some sight or should she lose her eyesight? How much more confused and upset will she be if she's blind? Things like that.

 

[ktgrok]

I agree, if she can make lunch for her and your husband that might make her feel useful. Have fish nights the night after a meal she likes, so she can have leftovers?

[Entropymama]

Regarding her and your financial situation; if she is making a profit on the sale of the house I would seriously consider putting it into a savings account or mutual fund with both of your names. This can be used later as expenses for home health aides or medical care become necessary. 

 

[HS Mom in NC]

Regarding her and your financial situation; if she is making a profit on the sale of the house I would seriously consider putting it into a savings account or mutual fund with both of your names. This can be used later as expenses for home health aides or medical care become necessary. 

 

My mother was on my grandparents' accounts before they became ill so she could access it as soon as they needed her to.

[Laura Corin]

Regarding her and your financial situation; if she is making a profit on the sale of the house I would seriously consider putting it into a savings account or mutual fund with both of your names. This can be used later as expenses for home health aides or medical care become necessary. 

 

I'm assuming that the money would be used for that anyway (to supplement what is provided free in Scotland).  Given how much independence she is giving up, and that I have power of attorney anyway, I think that I may be able to avoid that particular step: unless there's a reason I'm not thinking of.

[Entropymama]

I'm assuming that the money would be used for that anyway (to supplement what is provided free in Scotland).  Given how much independence she is giving up, and that I have power of attorney anyway, I think that I may be able to avoid that particular step: unless there's a reason I'm not thinking of.

 

I was actually more thinking of the finances being there rather than your having access to them. My dad went through 16 months of cancer treatment before he died and the costs are staggering. I don't know anything about your health care system, but even having extra money set aside to go out to eat or hire housekeeping help could make a very difficult time a little easier. 

[sassenach]

Regarding her and your financial situation; if she is making a profit on the sale of the house I would seriously consider putting it into a savings account or mutual fund with both of your names. This can be used later as expenses for home health aides or medical care become necessary.

I would hesitate to just add your name on the account without checking into how that might complicate college costs. I don't know how it works there, but just adding your name onto an account could massively screw up FASFA filing here.

[Laura Corin]

I was actually more thinking of the finances being there rather than your having access to them. My dad went through 16 months of cancer treatment before he died and the costs are staggering. I don't know anything about your health care system, but even having extra money set aside to go out to eat or hire housekeeping help could make a very difficult time a little easier. 

 

The medical treatment here is free at the point of need (including all drugs for someone as old as my mum), including equipment for the home, nursing at home and hospice care.  My father died of cancer, so I know what is provided.  

 

There are bound to be other expenses though, so it's good to think about.  Thanks.

[Laura Corin]

I would hesitate to just add your name on the account without checking into how that might complicate college costs. I don't know how it works there, but just adding your name onto an account could massively screw up FASFA filing here.

 

Our income is enough (we have a rental property plus my secretarial income and Husband's consulting) that Calvin doesn't get any kind of bursary.  He receives zero-effective-interest government loans, however, which are not tied to family income or wealth, so there should not be an issue.  Thanks.

[katilac]

One small thought: If I were your dh, I would make it a point to NOT get into a routine of eating lunch together when she first arrives. 

 

Once you establish a routine, it is much more awkward to change it later, and he might need to not have that extra time with her each day.

 

Even if he already has a set routine of being in the kitchen at noon every day to eat, I would shake it up on purpose when she first arrives, and I would also leave the house every so often even if I didn't have to - basically to not set up the expectation that he will always be home and always eat lunch with her.

 

 

[Merry]

I want to comment on the inclusion of an elderly and hard of hearing person in the conversations among family.  I myself am deaf and so it bothered me when one poster said that the conversations would be tedious if the people had to slow down in order to include the grandmother.  Are slow conversations so tedious that the people can't tolerate them for the sake of the grandmother?  Is that how hearing people really feel about the deaf people?  Is that how my hearing children feel about me?  Geez, I hope not! Maybe it's different for the grandmother.  And though I do appreciate very much when a person gives me a short summary of the group conversation, I do feel left out nevertheless.  There's just no getting around it.  There's not a good solution until people start thinking more of others than themselves and try to find ways to include the grandmother or the deaf person in the conversations in addition to or instead of short summaries or none at all which would be the worst of all. One solution that works for me is to have one or a few people next to me and we would talk together apart from the group conversations at a large gathering.  And if I felt like it, I would ask for a summary of the conversations that are going around us and then we would get back to our own conversation.  But at family mealtimes, then, yeah, the grandmother should be included in the group conversation even if it may be slow and tedious for the others.

Edited November 27, 2015 by Merry

[Plink]

The one thing that surprised me about taking in an elderly person was the amount of out-of-the-house-time they required. Even a simple doctor's appointment 10 minutes down the road required extremely slow loading and unloading on each end, making it a minimum of 2 hours per event, and there were lots of appointments. More and more as time went on and health failed. I don't know that I could have done it while homeschooling.

[Chris in VA]

Just a tiny thing--my dad has hearing aids, and his come with a remote he can use to up the sound in his own ear when watching TV. The rest of us love it, because the volume for us stays the same but he's able to hear it better.