Need Advice Please

[emzhengjiu]

Thanks everybody!

 

 

[bzymom]

I wouldn't let my dd go, but I wouldn't let her go even without your reservations about this young man. If he is interested in spending more time with her, he can buy a plane ticket out your way, pay for a hotel, and be under your watch. To go to a strange place, stay with someone you've met once, and be dependent upon them is not something I would do even now.

 

18 is a legal adult. 18 is an adult with complete freedom if you are living on your own, supporting yourself. If your dd is living with you, dependent upon you, then she is not there yet.

[lllll]

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[Butter]

How long have they known each other?  It doesn't sound like very long.  I would say no unless I had family or friends in his area and she could stay with them.

[Chris in VA]

How are they going to get to know each other in the future? Is she always going to fly or drive to see him, or vice versa? I just don't think that works very well. I had a long distance relationship with dh, but we spent summers together and had our own places.She would be in a place of powerlessness (no transportation, not knowing the area, etc.). Just too many pink flags, if you know what I mean. AFA the mental stuff, what are you seeing?

[JustEm]

I am of the mentality that at 18 you allow them to make the decision themselves. Discuss your concerns and be open to hearing her concerns or why she feels it's a good idea and let her make the decision. That is how my parents handled their adult children even when we were still dependant on them. I made dumb decisions at times but learned a lot in the process.

 

I would encourage her to invite him to come to her since she wouldn't be forced to rely on him and his family if something uncomfortable comes up and she wants to leave.

[bolt.]

I think another 1 to 4 visits to your dd on *her* turf (possibly with home stay) before a non-home stay visit to his (then a home stay) -- would be the most solid foundation for this relationship to actually be successful.

 

These two need to know that they are playing a game that (I perceive) to have a very low success rate. Internet meeting and long distance dating has a lot more challenges than ordinary models of relationship. As such, it has strong potential for heartbreak, resentment and a ton of very expensive drama.

 

Therefore, if you dd truly cares for this guy -- and wants it to WORK -- she needs to resist the (completely normal) urge to rush in. Fools rush in. People who are going to have a successful relationship actually think things through.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

There is no way I would ever consent to this even without your concerns about the young man. Nor would I facilitate this as well. Sure she is an adult but is she self-supporting? As long as she is living with you and not self-supporting then I think it is your right to say no here. I would try to find articles supporting your position about the dangers of online relationships. Maybe I am unrealistic but that is what I would do.

[Aura]

She's going to go to by herself to stay with three men (you said family, but the only family you've met are him, his dad and his grandfather) who she's only met for a few hours? Eight hours away? Is that also eight hours away from those she'd call if she needed help or felt uncomfortable? Does she have anyone in real life who can verify what they say and who they are?

 

What kind of person offers to pay for a single young woman to fly by herself, away from family and friends? To an area where she has no safety net? To make her totally dependent upon said person? He is isolating her away from her support and making her totally dependent on him. I think that really says it all right there.

[zoobie]

Oh hellz no. He should be coming to her or they should be meeting in a neutral, public location with reliable public transportation and an equal "power" footing.

 

ETA: I went to college just before I turned 18, and my parents wouldn't have been able (or tried) to forbid me from doing anything. They would, however, still tell me in no uncertain terms that I had lost my freaking mind and that's a foolish, foolish decision. Why would he bring his dad and grandfather? If he's an adult, why wouldn't he travel as an adult? She's already met his family. No need to put herself in a vulnerable position. It's just not smart.

[MercyA]

No.  If he has the money to spend on a plane ticket, he can fly to see her.

 

What specific things did you observe that are causing you concern? 

[J-rap]

There is no way in the world I'd let my daughter go there.  A young girl alone in a house with three men she (or you) doesn't even know, 8 hours away from anyone she does know, one of them possibly mentally ill?  No way.  

 

I'd be signing her up for as many activities in your own town as quickly as I could, to divert her attention.

 

 

 

 

[SparrowsNest]

I think this is a bad choice for any woman, 18, 28, or 58.  Since there are perfectly safe ways for the two of them to get to know one another, I see no reason for her to put herself in a position where she is dependent upon the generosity and restraint of three (more or less) unknown men.  

 

[emzhengjiu]

I gave a wrong impression about the family.  When they visited this area, it was the dad, grandfather and the young man.  But he lives with his mom, dad and sister.  Even with women in the house, I am concerned that she doesn't know anyone very well.

 

I'm at work but will be checking back.  I appreciate all comments.  I'm trying to work through this transition period since she turned 18.  Some bad decisions don't not long lasting consequences, but some do.  I want her to be wise.

[emzhengjiu]

About her work, she has a very flexible part-time job this summer and a great boss so time off wouldn't be that much of an issue.

[zoobie]

I think this is a bad choice for any woman, 18, 28, or 58. Since there are perfectly safe ways for the two of them to get to know one another, I see no reason for her to put herself in a position where she is dependent upon the generosity and restraint of three (more or less) unknown men.

Yes, this! I'll add that I wouldn't want to be dependent on unknown people regardless of their sex.

[Aura]

As I understand it, all your information is based on what he has shared, and the men you also met. You and your daughter have very little first-hand information. You haven't met the mother and sister. You haven't been around them to determine anything on your own: what kind of relationship the family members have, how they treat each other, etc. You are totally dependent on what they're telling you for information. And now your dd is going to make herself physically dependent on them as well?

 

Even if they are completely harmless, is this the way to start a relationship? Does she want to be completely dependent on what he tells her? Does she want to be respected as her own person? If she goes along with this, she is sending the message that she will just follow along with whatever he says and whatever he wants to do. And, IMO, that's a best case scenario.

[lauranc]

At 18, I would tell her how I felt about the situation and then step back a bit and let her make her own decision.  If she is asking for advice, I would give it freely and hope she changes her mind about going. If she isn't asking for advice, I'd tell her that if she wants this to happen, she will need to make it happen for herself.  I wouldn't drive her. 

 

Obviously there are red flags. 

A question to pose to her would be: What is a good plan if you get there and don't feel comfortable?

 

 

 

 

 

[Farrar]

I'm much more liberal about this stuff, especially for older teens and adults, but the powerlessness of her situation once she gets there would concern me for her. How long would this trip be? Just a couple of days? Longer? What would be her escape plan? If they live in a city, I think I'd be more comfortable since it's easier to walk away and take a taxi or a bus to get a hotel and then return home. If they live rurally, it feels more uncomfortable if she gets uncomfortable and wants to leave.

 

I think you're wise to raise the concerns with her and talk it through and support her and hope she makes a good decision. At that age, I had more transportation freedom - I'm not sure how far away this is, but I drove to visit relatives several hours away routinely and also drove myself to college. I guess I'm just thinking that being alone and traveling is something she should do soon if she hasn't already and that, in and of itself, doesn't seem super concerning to me. It's more this particular situation that feels uncomfortable.

[gardenmom5]

btdt as ds had an online relationship with a girl 2500 miles away.   

 

I agree - she stays in a hotel and she needs an adult third-party advocate for her to be there with her.  

both because she could be rebounding, and because you suspect he may have a mental illness.

 

ask her if she has *any* reservations of her own?   ds had many, but ignored them all.  but meeting did kill the relationship. (oh, that girl has major issues.)

 

while the dad and granddad seem likeable enough, how does *she* feel about the boy now that she's met him once?  (and she needs to not consider the excitement of a new relationship.)

 

how about she get a summer job and starts saving money to pay for a visit. . . . (that includes her in a hotel)

[Liz CA]

I would lobby for more meetings on neutral ground and in public places.

Is a half way meeting point a possibility? Could they meet in a place where you have relatives / friends so she has a place to go if necessary?

 

I would try to be encouraging of this new budding relationship but emphasize her personal safety and letting the relationship develop slowly as to have the best possible start.

 

Since you mentioned you are Christian, have you checked into Stephen Arterburn's book "Is this the one?" I am not sure now if this is the exact title but it's something close. You should be able to get the book fairly inexpensively since it's been around for a while. Perhaps a book you could read together and discuss?

 

ETA: I don't mean to suggest by this book title that marriage is imminent but it may make for an interesting talk between your daughter and you. I found a link:  https://store.newlife.com/p-67-is-this-the-one.aspx

[Farrar]

I would lobby for more meetings on neutral ground and in public places.

Is a half way meeting point a possibility? Could they meet in a place where you have relatives / friends so she has a place to go if necessary?

 

I agree with this. Ideally, I think they would meet somewhere midway for the day a few times, maybe with friends the first couple of times. But I'm not sure how far away this is.

[PamJBA]

She might very well decide to end the relationship after seeing him with his family, but then she would have accepted the gift of an expensive ticket. She might feel obligated (or be made to feel obligated) after accepting such an expensive gift. That would be the reason I would suggest she decline. If she still wants to visit in a way she can afford herself, a bus trip might be a fun adventure.

 

If she does choose to accept this expensive gift she needs to know you won't hold it over her if she suddenly needs help getting out of the situation. You can work out a few options to limit her time alone with him during the stay (help the mom with a project or strike up a friendship with the sisiter). Also go over how to get a taxi and where she could stay if necessary (hotel name and phone number and taxi company names and phone numbers programmed into her phone).

 

Personally, I think 18 is a terrible time to look for a relationship, especially a long distance one. She's either looking at several years of long distance or one or the other of them moving without means to support themselves. I'd encourage her to keep the relationship as more of a friendship/pen pal thing for now. Yes, she's 18, but she's still home and living as your child. It's not that you can tell her what to do so much as she's still looking to you for guidance.

[City Mouse]

I think that refusing to let her see him could backfire especially if they are willing to pay her way there. Are you really ready to completely cut her off and have her stay with him?

 

I agree with your plan to take her to visit him. If you can't afford the visit right now, why not work out a plan with your daughter on how you and she can save up the money. Maybe a visit at thanksgiving break or over her winter break would be more feasible for your budget.

 

FWIW, my DD20, met someone online. ( I did not know about this at the time) He lives a few hours from her school in the opposite direction from home. He came to see her once at her school. I found out that she went to vist him from pictures she posted on Facebook. She does have a car and a job. While the idea does scare me a bit, I know several people in real life who met their current spouses from online dating services. When she cam home this summer, I was going to suggest that he come visit her here and even offer to pay for the hotel room, but she has already broken up with him.

[Pippen]

As I understand it, all your information is based on what he has shared, and the men you also met. You and your daughter have very little first-hand information. You haven't met the mother and sister. You haven't been around them to determine anything on your own: what kind of relationship the family members have, how they treat each other, etc. You are totally dependent on what they're telling you for information. And now your dd is going to make herself physically dependent on them as well?

 

Even if they are completely harmless, is this the way to start a relationship? Does she want to be completely dependent on what he tells her? Does she want to be respected as her own person? If she goes along with this, she is sending the message that she will just follow along with whatever he says and whatever he wants to do. And, IMO, that's a best case scenario.

 

 

I've been going back and forth in my mind between the independent young adult woman I was, and the protective mother of a young woman that I am now. 

 

I was trying to think how this situation differs from when I went home to meet the families of several college boyfriends. I hopped on the bus and spent the weekend with families I'd not met before. I didn't have any first hand information on them, and my parents certainly didn't. It really wasn't realistic, given that we lived in multiple states. Plus my parents just weren't that way. They let me make my own decisions--and mistakes--once I became an adult. But I'm sure they would have spoken up if they'd seen major red flags about the person or their family. The only real difference I see here is that op's daughter hasn't spent much IRL time with boyfriend. 

 

The protective mother in me would have all the same concerns already expressed, plus I confess would have already googled the boyfriend and family's name to see if anything turns up on them. 

 

The one thing I was wondering is if daughter typically has good judgment? 

[PamJBA]

The protective mother in me would have all the same concerns already expressed, plus I confess would have already googled the boyfriend and family's name to see if anything turns up on them.

 

This! Has you daughter done any fact checking? Has she checked the Facebook pages of his mom and sister and best friend? Has she gone through his photos and friends list? Has she check up on things he's told her to see if they are true? Did he post about getting dumped by his fiancee 2 days before he struck up a conversation with your daughter? How are his online contacts with his friends? What do they write on his wall or comment on his posts? How does he comment on others' posts?

 

There's a lot of information out there. Most people don't bother to hide things because it doesn't occur to them people will find it. You can dig around on her behalf, but it's a good thing for her to learn to do for herself.

[gardenmom5]

I've been going back and forth in my mind between the independent young adult woman I was, and the protective mother of a young woman that I am now. 

 

I was trying to think how this situation differs from when I went home to meet the families of several college boyfriends. I hopped on the bus and spent the weekend with families I'd not met before. I didn't have any first hand information on them, and my parents certainly didn't. It really wasn't realistic, given that we lived in multiple states. Plus my parents just weren't that way. They let me make my own decisions--and mistakes--once I became an adult. But I'm sure they would have spoken up if they'd seen major red flags about the person or their family. The only real difference I see here is that op's daughter hasn't spent much IRL time with boyfriend. 

 

The protective mother in me would have all the same concerns already expressed, plus I confess would have already googled the boyfriend and family's name to see if anything turns up on them. 

 

The one thing I was wondering is if daughter typically has good judgment? 

 

but you had seen the boys repeatedly in an independent setting in which you *also* lived.

 

dd spent spring break with a friend while she was in college.  they'd known each other in person for months before this happened.  I never had any concerns. 

 

for an 18yo who has only ever lived at home and only met the person once, briefly,  - that would be an entirely different story.

[HS Mom in NC]

I can't imagine any personal safety expert or law enforcement professional thinking it's a good idea. They would have to have spent a lot more time together IRL on neutral territory before I was OK with it. While you can't legally stop an 18 year old from doing what she wants, you can still tell her the truth in no uncertain terms and ask practical questions.

There's no reason they can't meet with a group made up of each of their own personal friends.  He can come to your area  because your finances don't allow for travel right now.

 

I know one very happy marriage between two lovely people that began online when they were introduced by a mutual friend, then moved into real life.

I know of another one where a young woman met a solider online while he was in Iraq.  She married him without spending much time with him after he got back to the US.  He has PTSD, depression, is isolating her from her family, doesn't or can't work, and all that.  Her mother tried to warn her, but she couldn't hear it or see it.

[PeterPan]

I gave a wrong impression about the family.  When they visited this area, it was the dad, grandfather and the young man.  But he lives with his mom, dad and sister.  Even with women in the house, I am concerned that she doesn't know anyone very well.

 

I'm at work but will be checking back.  I appreciate all comments.  I'm trying to work through this transition period since she turned 18.  Some bad decisions don't not long lasting consequences, but some do.  I want her to be wise.

I'm surprised you believe a line like this.   ;)

 

I'd want to see those people in skype and spend a few months skyping before going there.

 

[emzhengjiu]

Thanks everybody!  Reading the responses has helped me be strong in my objections to this trip.  My daughter and I spent a long time talking last night.  She has agreed not to go alone, but we'll try to find a way to visit sometime this year after we're able to save some money.  I would like to meet him in his natural environment.  One of my concerns is that he seems to be a true loner - not just introverted.  I'm introverted so I understand that.  Anyway, we're going to take one step at a time.  Frankly, I'm praying that she meets a wonderful young man IRL.

 

 I'm going to be checking all the social media sites they frequent; that's a great idea, and I'm shocked at myself that I didn't think to do it sooner.  Even though my DD is 18, she and I agreed last night that growing up is a process not a specific age.  She's mature usually, but this shows me she's got some more growing up to do.  She's involved in several activities, but most stop or at least slow down during the summer.  She and I are looking for fun ways for her to occupy her time in addition to her job.  So all's good for now!  And I thought being a parent of toddlers was hard!