Should you force your child to change teams/groups for a sport they like

[Dmmetler]

DD10 has cheered on a competitive rec team since she was 4. It's been a good sport for her because it's one where she has to push her limits and do things that aren't easy for her due to her sensory and motor issues. The program she's in promotes kids based on age or on skill. She's currently on a 13 and under team.

 

The problem is that in the fall, we got a new coach, formerly an assistant, and she's just plain in over her head and doesn't quite know how to handle it. At the start of the fall season, she bowed to pressure and moved up several younger girls who really aren't ready for the level, but have parents who were pushy about it. These kids can't keep up with the skill level the team requires, need more redirection, are off task, etc. One of the kids that was moved up was moved up because the parent told the coach that her DD was dying to be on the team with my DD-but she's just plain not ready, and DD feels responsible for the other child's difficulties because she was the excused used to get the child on the team.

 

A lot of the kids are showing up erratically if at all, and the team has dropped from one of the largest in the area to the smallest in our upcoming competition. We have had practices with 3 kids present. DD is, I believe, the ONLY team member to be at every practice this season.

 

Last night, DD came home very frustrated because the stunt group is too slow on the stunts, with the result that the coach pulled a tumble pass. DD is a tumbler-she is a front spot for stunts (and has caught her flyer three times this season so far), but her strength is tumbling and she's worked very hard on it. Having one of the passes pulled really bothers her because that's what she feels she brings to the team.

 

DD doesn't want to change teams. I think part of it is that she doesn't want to hurt the coach's feelings (the current head coach has a DD a couple of years older than DD, and has been around as a parent or as an assistant coach since DD started) part of it is that she hates change, and part of it is that the church the team practices at has a thriving population of toads that she has mapped out, named, and loves observing.

 

Everything in me says to leave this sinking ship-but at the same time. DD is 10. She's starting to want and demand more autonomy in her life. It feels wrong to make a decision in something that is, ultimately, not that important. If there's one thing I'm sure of, DD isn't going to be a professional cheerleader (Although I could see her volunteering to coach a rec team as an adult and enjoying it).

 

 

 

[MysteryJen]

I did change swim teams for my kids when they were 12, 10, 8, and 6. It was pretty much a schedule and pool problem though. We changed again in a more complicated fashion a few years later. I made the executive decision for the 8 year old. The 10 year old and the 14 year old were allowed to make their own decisions. We did walk through the decision with the 10 year old, pros and cons. She joined the new team a two months later than the 8 year old. The 14 yo stayed through the next season. In retrospect, I should have moved everyone at the same time.

 

Changing teams is hard. But you have to do what is best for your kid and your family. People's feelings might be hurt, but you can't let that trap you in a unsatisfactory situation. 

[NorthwestMom]

DD is 10. She's starting to want and demand more autonomy in her life. It feels wrong to make a decision in something that is, ultimately, not that important. If there's one thing I'm sure of, DD isn't going to be a professional cheerleader (Although I could see her volunteering to coach a rec team as an adult and enjoying it).

 

I say let her decide, with some emotional coaching to follow. This is a great time to help her develop some emotional skills that she will need as a teen. If she wants to stay on the team, that's fine. I would be talking to her about the fact that she is not responsible for the other girl's difficulties just because she was named as the girl's motivation. The girl's struggles belong to the girl, and that girl has to be responsible for her own choices, just like your DD will be responsible for her own choices. 

 

Your DD sounds like a doll. She names the toads! I love it.

[Library Momma]

Most people I know that have children doing competitive cheer pay thousands of dollars a year, especially after you factor in travel expenses.  If you are not getting your money's worth then you need to switch to another team.  The coach sounds like a pushover and while she may excel at the cheer aspect she is not good at managing the team.

[Ravin]

I would probably help her lay out the pros and cons as she sees them, then give her your input of you think she's missing any important points.

 

Do you have a definite lateral move in mind? Another team or activity?

 

This sounds like a good opportunity for her to make a decision herself with some guidance.

[fairfarmhand]

I have a daughter that thinks similarly. Dislikes change, doesn't want to hurt feelings, but gets SO frustrated when things could be better but due to poor leadership are not. She wants to do well, her very best, and can't stand it if others don't place equal priority on it.

 

So for my daughter I would lay it out like this.

 

"Apparently, this team is falling apart for many reasons. If you want to stay in it, you will have to accept that the performances will not be very good and you will probably not be able to do as much tumbling. Your own performance will be affected by staying here. I understand why you are torn but it's probably unrealistic for you to stay hoping/thinking that the situation will change. If you can't accept the sub-par performance, there's absolutely nothing wrong with moving on. If you want to stay for other reasons, that's okay too."

 

My dd gets things all swirled around in her head and has a hard time seeing the absolutes so as to make a good decision. And she needs me to give her "permission" to not make everyone ELSE happy.

 

Last week, my dd was given an opportunity to do something and her sort of mentor was pressuring her to do this. I looked it over and went "You do see that this opportunity means that you will be signing up for 2 Saturdays a month, for nine months, at 8 in the morning. Do you really want to do that with your senior year?"

 

My dd has a hard time "letting people down." but it's important for kids to hear that sometimes, you can't please people when their goals conflict with yours.

 

So yeah, Long story to say, I would allow my dd to choose, but if she were to choose to stay, I would tell .her that she's just going to have to accept that she is limiting herself. And that;s OK if it;s what she really WANTS.

[JoJosMom]

I don't know much about competitive sports, but I've seen some of the modern cheerleading routines, which seem highly involved.  Will the lack of members and consistent training raise safety concerns?  Like I said, we're "sports are fun" folks here (none of us is what you might call "athletically inclined"), so I would not move my child so long as it was safe and she was having fun, but my experience is seriously limited, here. So, just a thought.

[Dmmetler]

This is a YCOA rec program, so it's inexpensive. We spend about $500/yr on cheer. (DD does take tumbling classes elsewhere as well, but we'd likely continue that if she switched cheer programs, since I like the training the gymnastics gym provides over what I've seen come out of cheer gyms).

 

 

As far as a lateral move, there are several other YCOA programs, so DD could stay in what is essentially the same team, just in a different place. It would mean a longer drive to practice, but I regularly drive 3 hours each way so she can do herpetology fieldwork. 30 minutes vs 15 for practice really isn't a big deal.

 

There is also a pom team forming, and pom is similar to the kind of dance she's done in cheer. I don't know if she'll get to tumble, but stunting would be out of the picture.

 

I don't consider all-star cheer an option. I think it would be too much pressure for DD. She actually does train, between dance, cheer, and tumbling, about the same hours that she would for a low-level All-star team, but there's a difference between hours spent on multiple rec activities and spending it all on one.

 

[SereneHome]

Do all the changes bother her?

 

I really liked how Fairfarmhand would handle it.

 

The only thing I might add is to lay out the facts and compare it to the job changing situation for grown ups.  Being on a team should be beneficial to both parties and if for whatever reasons it becomes not a good fit anymore, it's OK to make a change.

 

But if she really wants to stay, I would let it go.

 

When it comes to making parenting decisions for my kids I use a "10 yr test".  Will it matter in 10 yrs?  If the answer is "no", then I don't stress about it too much

[Crimson Wife]

I would've changed teams after the getting dropped from the competition incident. If I'm paying money to have my kid on a team that is supposed to participate in competitions, then getting dropped from the competition because the other team members don't show up to practice often enough would be the "straw that breaks the camel's back".

 

I would tell my kid that I realize he/she doesn't want to change teams, but I'm the one paying the fees so it's my call.

[Dmmetler]

They haven't missed a competition, but a tumble pass got cut out from the routine because the stunt timing is off- which is, IMO, a direct result of being unable to practice a stunt without all 5 girls present. Having said that, the team, as a whole, are not strong tumblers, and 51% of the team needs to correctly implement a skill to earn points. If something has to be cut, it's the correct call-but should not be necessary.

[bettyandbob]

I think I'd ask other teams about visiting practices. Your dd could see how well a practice is run, how teams work together, the style of the coach, etc.

[Jenny in Florida]

I more or less agree with Fairfarmhand on this one. I think 10 is old enough to have a real say in what she chooses to do, but I would want to be very, very clear about what the choice really means.

 

Although the circumstances are different, your situation reminds me a bit of when my son struggled with whether to stay at the pre-pro ballet school or move on to other options. He was 11/12 when this was happening, and it was very difficult for him. He had been at the school since he was six and considered it his second home. Being a student there offered him opportunities to perform that were not available to him anywhere else. However, the leadership of the company went through multiple transitions during the years he was there, and policies at the school changed each time, often seeming to leave the boys, in particular, sort of off to the side, feeling like afterthoughts (except for a couple of stars, which my son was not). At the time, my son was also feeling very torn between his love of dance and his love of theatre, and the pre-pro school expected a level of commitment he wasn't ready to give. So, he sort of stalled out, but he was unwilling to walk away unless something definitive happened to make the choice clear.

 

We as a family had many, many conversations over about two years looking at various options. Finally, we agreed that my son would really buckle down for the second semester of that year and see how things went. At that point, he had spent two years in the same level (not unusual, but still somewhat disheartening), and we agreed that, if he were promoted the following year, he could choose to stay. If not, it was clearly time to go a different direction. In the end, he was promoted the equivalent of half a level, and he made the decision to move on. 

 

One thing we did during that time was to visit other dance schools and see what else was out there for him. 

 

The transition was bumpy for him, but he eventually landed at the perfect dance school, where he rediscovered how much he loved to dance and made unbelievable progress in just a couple of years. He still occasionally gets wistful about the "might have been," but we all feel secure that he made the right move. Although it was stressful at the time, in retrospect I'm happy that we didn't force the issue and that we gave him the time and space to get really comfortable with the choice. He's in college now, double majoring in dance and theatre, and seems to have found his niche.

[Murphy101]

I would've changed teams after the getting dropped from the competition incident. If I'm paying money to have my kid on a team that is supposed to participate in competitions, then getting dropped from the competition because the other team members don't show up to practice often enough would be the "straw that breaks the camel's back".

 

I would tell my kid that I realize he/she doesn't want to change teams, but I'm the one paying the fees so it's my call.

Well how I would phrase it is I know she doesn't want to change teams, but this is no longer actually a team. They are dropping competitions/routines or whatever bc players don't even bother to show up. That's not a team. So we are going to go find a team.

 

But yeah, if that didn't work, I'd pull the I'm the Mom card. :)

[kroe1]

He who hath the gold rules.

[Catwoman]

Have you spoken directly to the new coach about your concerns?

 

How do the other moms feel about less-qualified kids being moved up to a level for which they are not prepared?

[Alice]

I would more or less leave it up to her but I would really work to help her see the various points of staying vs. switching.

 

When it comes to activities, I feel like I have a stake in a decision because it involves my time and money but it also is ultimately the kid's activity and as they get older I think they have to have some ownership of it. There have been times I made unilateral decisions for my oldest regarding an activity but I told him exactly why. "This schedule is just not workable for the rest of the family." At the same time there have been decisions that he made that I disagreed with but that didn't really make a big impact on the rest of us and I let him make those decisions. 

 

I also will add that I have an 11 year old who likes the idea of being independent and making his own choices but who has a really really hard time making decisions. I have tried to push him to make some of these decisions because they ultimately don't matter that much and I think it's a way for him to learn how to make decisions. I sometimes will tell him my opinion but then leave it up to him. 

[Chris in VA]

I'd switch, giving good reasons.

 

I'd also visit the toads on a day the other team isn't there.

[LucyStoner]

I'd relay my concerns to the current team.

 

I'd take my child to visit some other possible teams.

 

I'd let her make the decision with guidance and support

 

Shy may need to see a good team practicing again to put in perspective what she is losing out on.