Thanking someone for (help settle a disagreement)

[Plateau Mama]

Short version:

 

DH mother planned a trip for the granddaughters. At no point did my daughter ever imply she wanted to go on this trip and said several times she didn't have time this summer to go. Grandmother spent time planning this trip, after I told her to wait and see what DD's schedule was this summer. Summer schedule came out yesterday and there is no 10+ days free for DD to go.

 

Now DH wants DD to write a thank you note for the offer and time she spent planning the trip. DD gave home a weird look and he asked me if it was weird. I said yes, it was weird to thank her for doing something we told her not to do. So is it weird? (This woman wants you to write her thank you notes for her thank you notes, no joke.)

 

DD is 14.5, niece is 16.

 

FTR I told DD to write the note, but I think it's wierd.

 

Long Version:

 

MIL got it in her head several years ago to take the girls on a trip. It started out as a U.S. trip and I said no because MIL is not always mentally stable. She does not do well traveling. Then the trip last year turned into an overseas trip. It was supposed to be to Europe but has been changed to a destination my daughter does not care to go to. My husband is justifying it would be OK because FIL would be going. I disagree.

 

My daughter, under no circumstance wants to go on a trip with her without me. She never gave any indication she wanted to go on a trip. My MIL decided she wanted to do this, I think because her friends are doing it and she wants to keep up with the grandma's. I told MIL I wouldn't talk about it until I had DD's summer schedule and niece had a passport and written permission from both parents she could go (divorced, uncooperative, etc). She went and called a travel agent and started planning the trip, emailing everyone incessantly. She's changed hotels at least twice. Two weeks ago I told DH that he needed to tell her to back off until the criteria I stated had been met.

 

The other thing is if DD went on the trip she would have to thank her every time she talked to her, for as long as she lives. I'm not exaggerating.

 

Now that we have DD's schedule it is clear she can't go on the trip and he wants her to thank MIL for all the work.

 

I think it's weird, but I told DD to write it anyway to appease DH.

[MomatHWTK]

Write the note. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thank you note is unnecessary.  Your dh needs to read "Boundaries" by Townsend.

[Evergreen State Sue]

The thank you note is unnecessary, but it is a nice way of ending the drama.  Somehow putting it is writing so the grandmother can read it over and over and get it in her head that the trip isn't going to happen might be just what is needed.  I would make sure the thank you note is appreciative of grandma thinking of her and making the effort to plan the trip, however, give all the reasons she can't go - her schedule is too full this summer, it isn't a destination she would want grandma to spend money on, and she would feel more comfortable with a family trip that included her parents. 

[kitten18]

I really, really wouldn't want to play her game. However, I think what Evergreen says makes a lot of sense about putting an end to it.

 

The thank you note is unnecessary, but it is a nice way of ending the drama. Somehow putting it is writing so the grandmother can read it over and over and get it in her head that the trip isn't going to happen might be just what is needed. I would make sure the thank you note is appreciative of grandma thinking of her and making the effort to plan the trip, however, give all the reasons she can't go - her schedule is too full this summer, it isn't a destination she would want grandma to spend money on, and she would feel more comfortable with a family trip that included her parents.

[Eagle]

I would worry that a thank you note would give her the motivation to start planning a trip for next summer.

[SKL]

I'd go along with dh's request, but I'd wonder what new drama the note would create.  :P

[DawnM]

I would thank her profusely for the invite and express how very much we would love to have been able to go, and how deeply we regret declining.

 

Sometimes you have to play the game to appease them.  

 

However, my mother has some mental issues and believe me when I say it is easier to play the game than to buck the system and pay the price later.

 

So, take my suggestions for what they are worth.

[JustEm]

I might have her write a thanks for the invite but sorry it didn't work out note knowing that mil likes thank you notes. I would not mention the work she put into planning it.

[JustEm]

Adding to say: but at the same time I think your dd is old enough to make the decision to write a note or not herself.

[marbel]

I think writing a note is a nice gesture.  "Thanks for thinking of me" is a nice thing to say to a grandma.  Obviously I don't know all the other family dynamics but I could imagine my MIL enjoying a note like that - though she would never do such a thing.

 

I think in general notes to grandmas are good.  I know my kids should write (email, etc) their grandma more than they do. 

 

If it is a toxic relationship, then never mind. 

 

Next time a trip idea comes up, though, your husband should tell his mother to stop planning before she gets carried away and it all becomes an annoyance.

 

ETA:  heartlikealion said

 

 

 

To answer the real question... yeah, a little weird only because she did something you didn't want her to do and explicitly told her to not do. Now, if your dd didn't want to go... why leave MIL waiting on a schedule? Just tell her no from the start.

 

Yes to this.   Telling her to wait and see the summer schedule implies that the gating factor is the schedule, not your daughter's lack of desire to go.   Though I know how hard it can be to just say no. 

[zoobie]

Unless the invitation has been formally written, a written reply is unnecessary. I would be worried what new drama the note would create and then be centered on DD, the author. It should've been handled at the start by DH. Trying to play along with crazy makes you crazy too. The Boundaries book is supposed to be excellent.

[Plateau Mama]

The thank you note is unnecessary, but it is a nice way of ending the drama. Somehow putting it is writing so the grandmother can read it over and over and get it in her head that the trip isn't going to happen might be just what is needed. I would make sure the thank you note is appreciative of grandma thinking of her and making the effort to plan the trip, however, give all the reasons she can't go - her schedule is too full this summer, it isn't a destination she would want grandma to spend money on, and she would feel more comfortable with a family trip that included her parents.

See, here's the problem, if we tell her anything negative (like the destination) then we will come out looking ungrateful, if we tell her this summer is too busy she will push it till next year (her schedule will be just as busy) etc. if we give her any indication she wanted to go but circumstances didn't allow it then she will keep talking about it until it happens.

 

I've told this woman it wasn't going to happen for years but she keeps talking about it. Now it will be turned into all my friends get to take their grandchildren on trips and I'm not allowed (insert tears), poor me.

[Plateau Mama]

I would worry that a thank you note would give her the motivation to start planning a trip for next summer.

This, exactly this.

[Plateau Mama]

I would thank her profusely for the invite and express how very much we would love to have been able to go, and how deeply we regret declining.

 

Sometimes you have to play the game to appease them.

 

However, my mother has some mental issues and believe me when I say it is easier to play the game than to buck the system and pay the price later.

 

So, take my suggestions for what they are worth.

This approach would make her keep trying to plan, even if it's for another year. My daughter and I just want it to stop. We don't want to talk about when she can go we don't want to talk about how sad we are she couldn't go we just want to stop talking about it. She has been texting my daughter at all hours (day and night). I had to make my daughter turn on the do not disturb hours on her phone so her sleep wouldn't be disturbed.

[PrairieSong]

See, here's the problem, if we tell her anything negative (like the destination) then we will come out looking ungrateful, if we tell her this summer is too busy she will push it till next year (her schedule will be just as busy) etc. if we give her any indication she wanted to go but circumstances didn't allow it then she will keep talking about it until it happens.

 

I've told this woman it wasn't going to happen for years but she keeps talking about it. Now it will be turned into all my friends get to take their grandchildren on trips and I'm not allowed (insert tears), poor me.

If you don't want her to keep planning future trips like this, you'll have to be up front and tell her that dd won't be going, and that includes future trips. If she keeps saying "poor me" that is too bad. I would point out that all families are different. Just because other grandmas take their grandchildren on trips doesn't mean your dd should HAVE TO do this, too. I'd tell her you don't want to hear any more about it. She can pout about it on her own.

 

I wouldn't make dd write the note. Writing a note for something you told her not to do, for a trip that hasn't happened, doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

 

One of my grandmas was unstable. Going on a trip with her would have been a nightmare.

[regentrude]

See, here's the problem, if we tell her anything negative (like the destination) then we will come out looking ungrateful, if we tell her this summer is too busy she will push it till next year (her schedule will be just as busy) etc. if we give her any indication she wanted to go but circumstances didn't allow it then she will keep talking about it until it happens.

 

Then you need to tell her that your DD is not interested in going on a trip with Grandma.

Period.

[Plateau Mama]

 

Next time a trip idea comes up, though, your husband should tell his mother to stop planning before she gets carried away and it all becomes an annoyance.

 

ETA: heartlikealion said

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes to this. Telling her to wait and see the summer schedule implies that the gating factor is the schedule, not your daughter's lack of desire to go. Though I know how hard it can be to just say no.

I did tell her no. I told her last summer her schedule didn't allow it. My son went to visit her last summer but my daughters schedule did not allow her to go. She wouldn't accept that was possible. My husband told her her schedule wouldn't allow it, she kept talking about it so instead of being firm in his no my DH said we'd have to wait till the schedule was out. At Christmas I told them the only time it would be possible was late August, which doesn't work for my nieces school schedule. So MIL picked a date in early August and started planning. I've told her all along that date is cutting it close and I didn't think it would work. She kept planning.

 

Nothing has been booked. My niece hasnt even applied for her passport and the trip cannot be booked without it.

[Anne in CA]

I would agree that writing the note would be a nice thing to do, as it is always nice to thank someone for kind intentions even if they don't bear fruit. I am a little worried about texting your dd at all hours and the possibility that your dh is in denial about his mom. Most people have a hard time seeing dis-functionality in their own immediate family when they are younger, but it seems like your dh must be at an age where he could be more realistic?

[PrairieSong]

I did tell her no. I told her last summer her schedule didn't allow it. My son went to visit her last summer but my daughters schedule did not allow her to go. She wouldn't accept that was possible. My husband told her her schedule wouldn't allow it, she kept talking about it so instead of being firm in his no my DH said we'd have to wait till the schedule was out. At Christmas I told them the only time it would be possible was late August, which doesn't work for my nieces school schedule. So MIL picked a date in early August and started planning. I've told her all along that date is cutting it close and I didn't think it would work. She kept planning.

 

Nothing has been booked. My niece hasnt even applied for her passport and the trip cannot be booked without it.

Your no is going to have to be a lot firmer than that. It's not really about dd's schedule, is it? She doesn't want to go on the trip. Can't you tell grandma this is NOT going to happen because dd has no interest or desire to go?

[Seasider]

The thank you note is unnecessary, but it is a nice way of ending the drama. Somehow putting it is writing so the grandmother can read it over and over and get it in her head that the trip isn't going to happen might be just what is needed. I would make sure the thank you note is appreciative of grandma thinking of her and making the effort to plan the trip, however, give all the reasons she can't go - her schedule is too full this summer, it isn't a destination she would want grandma to spend money on, and she would feel more comfortable with a family trip that included her parents.

I would put a clear, "no, but thanks, my class schedule will not allow it" and no more reasons why dd can't go. The more details you give, the more comebacks mil will throw at you.

 

I think if I were in your shoes, I'd write the note on her behalf. After all, unless dd and gma really chatted it up, it sounds like dd wasn't truly in the loop anyway.

 

ETA - I just caught up with the post about your mil texting dd incessantly. This changes my reply. I'm thinking it's time for one of you - you, if dh will not consent to do it - to confidently confront the mil.

 

"MIl, I know you would love to take dd on this trip and it is very thoughtful of you. However, dd is simply not able to go. I am asking you now to please stop texting her about it because it is causing her anxiety to continue to discuss it at this time. Let's table it for now. If it becomes a possibility in the future, we will let you know."

 

And somebody needs to tell fil, too. Cause he's going to get an earful from gma.

[Plateau Mama]

I have told my MIL no. For years. Like I said she's been trying to do a trip with them for like 5 years. I told her when it was just an East Coast trip that it wasn't going to happen. I told her last year I wasn't comfortable with my daughter going overseas without me. I was told I was being ridiculous.

 

I told them in December she didn't want to go and FIL's response was "You could at least encourage her to go." I told him she was old enough to make that decision. My daughter has never given them any indication she wants to go.

 

What you have to keep in mind is that my MIL does not know the word no. I've talked about it here before. You say no, my MIL hears, I haven't asked enough. If I keep asking I will get what I want.

[Southern Ivy]

I wouldn't send the note, honestly. You told her no. She ignored it. 
Not your monkeys, not your circus. 

I second the need to read Boundaries by Townsend. We had to use what we learned from the book with my MIL - especially when she kept comparing me and my actions to my husband's ex-wife. It made her mad, but I'm not in control of her feelings. It did make her stop, though. 
It's time for a "come to Jesus" meeting with MIL, imho. 

[Seasider]

Would she take a No from her son? Seems like your dh is doing what he must have had to do in childhood - comply to survive.

 

I do understand where you're coming from. My own MIL has a history of incredibly erratic behavior. It has affected our lives in ways I don't think she could even understand (but yes, we all believe it is intentional). My children have begged me not to invite her places (awards ceremonies, etc) because she always finds a way to embarrass them in public; yet they all carry this burden of guilt because they love their grandmother.

 

The only thing that has worked is for my dh to finally understand that what he experienced in childhood was/is not normal, and that I will not allow my kids to have to walk that road of complying/pleasing/ignoring her bad behavior. I am a firm gatekeeper of boundaries and he is the one now that deals with her. It has been sad and unpleasant but every time we've let down the boundary, something happened to cause it to be re-erected.

 

I have told my older children that they should not feel guilty if they choose to block her from access to their social media profiles and that they should feel free to screen calls and visits as they feel comfortable with. You can love someone and still operate with a boundaried behavior.

 

You have no control over her planning or her crocodile tears. But you can come up with a concise consistent reply ("I've told you before, this trip is not going to happen."), and block her calls/texts/emails to your dd as necessary.

[Plateau Mama]

I wouldn't send the note, honestly. You told her no. She ignored it.

Not your monkeys, not your circus.

 

I second the need to read Boundaries by Townsend. We had to use what we learned from the book with my MIL - especially when she kept comparing me and my actions to my husband's ex-wife. It made her mad, but I'm not in control of her feelings. It did make her stop, though.

It's time for a "come to Jesus" meeting with MIL, imho.

Not my monkeys, not my circus. I love it. I'm going to have to remember that one.

 

I agree she needs a come to Jesus moment. But I also know that no one has stood up to her in 72 years so she not likely to change. I did try to have a come to Jesus moment about something different at Christmas. She just started with the tears and "you just don't understand what it's like". At which point I said what needed to be said and left the room. I refuse to play the game anymore. It's too tiring and I'm getting too old for it. Of course not playing the game gets my DH upset because he just wants to be Switzerland.

[PrairieSong]

I have told my MIL no. For years. Like I said she's been trying to do a trip with them for like 5 years. I told her when it was just an East Coast trip that it wasn't going to happen. I told her last year I wasn't comfortable with my daughter going overseas without me. I was told I was being ridiculous.

 

I told them in December she didn't want to go and FIL's response was "You could at least encourage her to go." I told him she was old enough to make that decision. My daughter has never given them any indication she wants to go.

 

What you have to keep in mind is that my MIL does not know the word no. I've talked about it here before. You say no, my MIL hears, I haven't asked enough. If I keep asking I will get what I want.

I get that some people do not understand the meaning of NO. However, if I were you I'd stop saying things like..we'll have to check dd's schedule and see if it will work out. If dd doesn't want to go, her schedule doesn't matter. That isn't the reason. I would sit down with MIL and FIL, both you and dh, and firmly say that dd has no interest in going on a trip with you. Period. If she continues to bring it up, cut her off quickly and say, that has already been decided. No further discussion.

[Plateau Mama]

Would she take a No from her son? Seems like your dh is doing what he must have had to do in childhood - comply to survive.

 

 

 

You have no control over her planning or her crocodile tears. But you can come up with a concise consistent reply ("I've told you before, this trip is not going to happen."), and block her calls/texts/emails to your dd as necessary.

She does not accept no from anyone. Not until my FIL steps in and tells her to stop but it's got to get pretty bad before he will do that and then the poor guy has to hear about it forever.

[MiMi 4under3]

Write the darn note if it will make Grandma feel better. Especially since she's mentally unstable, it's a nice (uneccessary) gesture toward an elderly woman.

[Seasider]

Not my monkeys, not my circus. I love it. I'm going to have to remember that one.

 

I agree she needs a come to Jesus moment. But I also know that no one has stood up to her in 72 years so she not likely to change. I did try to have a come to Jesus moment about something different at Christmas. She just started with the tears and "you just don't understand what it's like". At which point I said what needed to be said and left the room.

The tears are my mil's default action, too. It is an attempt to make me feel bad and to make others see that I am being the mean one.

 

Okay then, I am fine being the mean one. Recognize emotional manipulation and don't bend to it.

 

In defense of your fil, he's in the same boat as your dh - years of comply to survive. It's rather pathetic, but it is what it is.

 

Stand your ground and move on. Let it roll off your backs. Really, what power does she have over you? Only what you give her by bending to her will. Don't bend. Don't give her false hope. Move along. Let her jabber and plan, that's not getting your dd in a plane, train or automobile.

 

And now that your subsequent posts have revealed more of the situation, I would advise to skip the note writing altogether. That's bending to emotional manipulation again, not only from mil but now from dh. Break the cycle.

[Southern Ivy]

 Of course not playing the game gets my DH upset because he just wants to be Switzerland.

But, that's just it. He can't be Switzerland and have you be the bad guy. It's his mother and he needs to deal with it. 

I get it though. I'd rather be Switzerland. I HATE confrontation.

 

He really needs to read Boundaries too. 

[JumpyTheFrog]

Treat her like a back-talking kid who won't stop trying to badger you into giving permission for something. Every time she brings it up, leave the room or hang up the phone. Between this thread and Jinnah's thread, I'm starting to think people with average kids need to read about dealing with difficult kids and use some of the same techniques on their manipulative parents.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Write the darn note if it will make Grandma feel better. Especially since she's mentally unstable, it's a nice (uneccessary) gesture toward an elderly woman.

This woman doesn't need "nice." She needs people to learn to stand up to her bullying and manipulation. If the thank you notes was one quirk in a normal person, I'd agree with you, but since she has a life long history of demanding her way, I'm saying it's time to stop playing her game.

[marbel]

I get that some people do not understand the meaning of NO. However, if I were you I'd stop saying things like..we'll have to check dd's schedule and see if it will work out. If dd doesn't want to go, her schedule doesn't matter. That isn't the reason. I would sit down with MIL and FIL, both you and dh, and firmly say that dd has no interest in going on a trip with you. Period. If she continues to bring it up, cut her off quickly and say, that has already been decided. No further discussion.

 

Agree, though to take pressure off the granddaughter, I might want my husband to say "we are not going to allow her to go, ever, so stop talking about it."    It sounds like the grandma/granddaughter relationship might  not be great anyway, but for grandma to hear "she doesn't want to go with you" might be a little much.   I know my kids wouldn't want to travel anywhere with their grandparents, but they also would not want to say (or have me say) "she doesn't want to go with you."  An outright rejection like that can be very painful.   (Depending on the relationship, maybe it doesn't matter.)

 

Reading about the incessant texting and inability to hear "no" makes me think more about grandma's mental state which is something her son should talk to his parents about.  

 

OP - :grouphug: to you. 

[Plateau Mama]

I get that some people do not understand the meaning of NO. However, if I were you I'd stop saying things like..we'll have to check dd's schedule and see if it will work out. If dd doesn't want to go, her schedule doesn't matter. That isn't the reason. I would sit down with MIL and FIL, both you and dh, and firmly say that dd has no interest in going on a trip with you. Period. If she continues to bring it up, cut her off quickly and say, that has already been decided. No further discussion.

We have told them the trip isn't happening. We've told her this for years. She has kept persisting. So in order to keep the peace and "play the game" we told her that even if she wanted to go it was highly unlikely that she'd have two weeks free to go, but she could wait for the schedule. We explained to her why she couldn't just skip two weeks of her commitments and the implications if she did.

 

Of course she started planning before the schedule came out and now DH wants my dd to thank her for the time she spent planning the trip. Which brings me back to my question, is it weird or not to be expected to write a thank you for this scenario.

[zoobie]

This approach would make her keep trying to plan, even if it's for another year. My daughter and I just want it to stop. We don't want to talk about when she can go we don't want to talk about how sad we are she couldn't go we just want to stop talking about it. She has been texting my daughter at all hours (day and night). I had to make my daughter turn on the do not disturb hours on her phone so her sleep wouldn't be disturbed.

Block the number. That's madness!

[Anne in CA]

If the only way for your dh to be Switzerland is for you to play games, that is seriously uncool. Switzerland had a huge payoff from the war. There were all those articles a few years ago about how Switzerland made lots of money off doing the banking for both sides and even accepted teeth from deceased Jews from the Nazi's. No one is ever really neutral.

[Plateau Mama]

The tears are my mil's default action, too. It is an attempt to make me feel bad and to make others see that I am being the mean one.

 

Okay then, I am fine being the mean one. Recognize emotional manipulation and don't bend to it.

 

In defense of your fil, he's in the same boat as your dh - years of comply to survive. It's rather pathetic, but it is what it is.

.

I really wish multi quote was working!

 

I love my FIL. He is a saint to deal with her. He really is the nicest guy you would ever meet.

[PrairieSong]

We have told them the trip isn't happening. We've told her this for years. She has kept persisting. So in order to keep the peace and "play the game" we told her that even if she wanted to go it was highly unlikely that she'd have two weeks free to go, but she could wait for the schedule. We explained to her why she couldn't just skip two weeks of her commitments and the implications if she did.

 

Of course she started planning before the schedule came out and now DH wants my dd to thank her for the time she spent planning the trip. Which brings me back to my question, is it weird or not to be expected to write a thank you for this scenario.

Yes, in this situation it is weird to write a thank you note.

 

Stop playing her game. You told her no but then back pedaled and said it depended on the schedule. Just stop and get off the crazy train. That is, unless you choose to ride it.

 

I like what a pp said about telling MIL that you and your dh will not allow dd to go on a trip, ever. Let her cry and complain..but I would not listen to it. Leave or hang up the phone.

[Plateau Mama]

But, that's just it. He can't be Switzerland and have you be the bad guy. It's his mother and he needs to deal with it.

I get it though. I'd rather be Switzerland. I HATE confrontation.

 

He really needs to read Boundaries too.

I understand that but he still wants it to be that way. He loves his family, I get it. He wants us to all hang out and have a good time. I understand what he wants, but it's not going to happen. We live on opposite coasts for a reason. Even he is not willing to move close to his mother. He knows the truth but he still wants the fantasy.

[Seasider]

I understand that but he still wants it to be that way. He loves his family, I get it. He wants us to all hang out and have a good time. I understand what he wants, but it's not going to happen. We live on opposite coasts for a reason. Even he is not willing to move close to his mother. He knows the truth but he still wants the fantasy.

You already live across coasts? Hm. The problem is not your mother in law.

 

No note.

[Plateau Mama]

Treat her like a back-talking kid who won't stop trying to badger you into giving permission for something. Every time she brings it up, leave the room or hang up the phone. Between this thread and Jinnah's thread, I'm starting to think people with average kids need to read about dealing with difficult kids and use some of the same techniques on their manipulative parents.

We don't live near each other. When we go visit I always being a book or project so I can lock myself in my room. I rarely talk to her on the phone because I never know when one of her moods will strike. I try to correspond only by email so I have a record of what was said.

[mamaraby]

No thank you note and a frim and consistent "No" from her son. In our case the coming from her son part is pretty important. If my dh tells his mom then she turns on the water works and amps up the emotional manipulation, but she generally gets over it and only brings it up every now and again. If it comes from me, then she not only does the usual water works, etc, but she'll also never forget. She will bring it up multiple times in the future as an example of how terrible I am and how she's just so scared of me. I think I may be one of the few people in her life that didn't just go along with everything she wanted no matter how unreasonable or irrational the request.

 

We find that it's best if these things aren't up for discussion. "No thank you" is a perfectly reasonable response and one you can repeat. You are not responsible for how it makes her feel. She's an adult. She'll just have to deal with it.

 

I'll third (or fourth) the boundaries book.

[Plateau Mama]

Block the number. That's madness!

I've told my daughter she doesn't have to respond to het texts that are in the middle of the night or pertaining to the trip.

 

DH asked her to respond about the itinerary that she kept emails over and over to everyone (except me), which everyone ignored. He wanted the emails to stop and though if someone responded she'd stop.

 

I told him that dd was not going to respond and that he needed to tell her to back off.

[Plateau Mama]

I'm waiting for someone to enter the thread and say this gem. "No is a complete sentence." .

That's funny. When we were visiting at Christmas, I can't remember how it came up, but FIL was teaching dd to say No. Just "No". I found it funny then that he of all people was telling her to say that.

[TranquilMind]

But, that's just it. He can't be Switzerland and have you be the bad guy. It's his mother and he needs to deal with it. 

I get it though. I'd rather be Switzerland. I HATE confrontation.

 

He really needs to read Boundaries too. 

I agree that it is her son that needs to deal with this.  Period.

 

However, that said, there is no reason for all the mean suggestions I have read here.  Geez...let a 72 year old woman plan things, even if they don't happen. Teach daughter to politely - not meanly - decline, without an iota of guilt.  All this "block her from access, block her calls" stuff seems seriously over-the-top to me. 

[Plateau Mama]

No thank you note and a frim and consistent "No" from her son. In our case the coming from her son part is pretty important. If my dh tells his mom then she turns on the water works and amps up the emotional manipulation, but she generally gets over it and only brings it up every now and again. If it comes from me, then she not only does the usual water works, etc, but she'll also never forget. She will bring it up multiple times in the future as an example of how terrible I am and how she's just so scared of me.

 

I'll third (or fourth) the boundaries book.

Yup, she's still talking about how I wouldn't let her take us on a family trip to a 5 star hotel. Never mind that I had planned the trip to see my grandpa, she invited herself and the decided we had to stay in a $700/ night hotel. My kids were 2,8, 10. I told her my kids were too young to stay in a hotel like that and we'd be across the street at the Days Inn. We ended up canceling the trip saying DH couldn't take time off work.

 

All I wanted to do was spend some time with my grandpa she tried turning it into a big fancy trip. That was 5 years ago. Since then everyone has been banned from telling her vacation plans until after the vacation happens.

[JumpyTheFrog]

However, that said, there is no reason for all the mean suggestions I have read here. Geez...let a 72 year old woman plan things, even if they don't happen. Teach daughter to politely - not meanly - decline, without an iota of guilt. All this "block her from access, block her calls" stuff seems seriously over-the-top to me.

But it's not just about this trip. The OP said this woman has been this way her entire life. The MIL expects to bully and manipulate everyone around her into always doing what she wants. That's why people are saying to block the calls, because the woman is toxic.

[Southern Ivy]

I agree that it is her son that needs to deal with this.  Period.

 

However, that said, there is no reason for all the mean suggestions I have read here.  Geez...let a 72 year old woman plan things, even if they don't happen. Teach daughter to politely - not meanly - decline, without an iota of guilt.  All this "block her from access, block her calls" stuff seems seriously over-the-top to me. 

But, on the other hand, the grandmother is causing anxiety in the granddaughter. She's texting in the middle of the night and trying to manipulate the granddaughter. That is completely overboard for anyone, especially a family member. 

 

At some point, to establish boundaries, the threat of being cut off has to be put on the table. We have done it - "If you continue to do _______________, please know that we will get up and walk out. From that point, our visiting will be determined on a case by case situation. Our visiting/corresponding with you is dependent upon YOUR actions, not because we don't love you."

It's not done to be mean. It's to establish the fact that you will not be bullied by another. 

[zoobie]

I agree that it is her son that needs to deal with this. Period.

 

However, that said, there is no reason for all the mean suggestions I have read here. Geez...let a 72 year old woman plan things, even if they don't happen. Teach daughter to politely - not meanly - decline, without an iota of guilt. All this "block her from access, block her calls" stuff seems seriously over-the-top to me.

Blocking a number that is repeatedly texting a 14 year old child all hours of the day and night isn't mean.

[Elisabet1]

I would say no. I am big on thank you notes. But your daughter needs to be allowed to have boundaries. She said no. Grandma did it anyway. Now she is going to write a thank you note for doing what she asked her not to do.