staying home alone ?

[alisoncooks]

I've left my 6 and 8 year old --happily ensconced on the couch watching cartoons-- while I've run 10 min. errands (drop off a bill at the PO or such). I don't feel they're ready for hours alone yet, but they've been fine to stay together while I do quick stuff in town.

[Word Nerd]

I think many 12-year-olds can be left alone, though it depends on the kid. Not wanting a kid to grow up seems like a poor reason to wait.

[SparklyUnicorn]

12ish, but depends on the kid.  I don't think a 12 year old should babysit a much younger sibling though. 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

NZ law says 14. I do leave them 5 mins to go to the neighbours though (don't tell anyone).

 

Well at least it's spelled out.  Here it is vague.  Which I get it, not all 12 year olds or 8 year olds or whatever are the same.  But then you might think the kid is ready and something might happen and you'd be dragged through the mud for it since there is no official age.

[Momling]

My own kids: 7-8 years old.

 

Nowadays my 10 yr old happily stays home all day if needed and rides her bike 2 miles to the tennis club daily.

My 12 yr old takes the bus to the next town for ballet and babysits weekly.

They are responsible people and doing a great job of learning how to maneuver around the world. The idea that I wouldn't trust them to be at home by themselves is absurd.

 

But... I do have foster kids that I would not leave at home alone, so I understand that every child is different (also, that child welfare has different rules).

[KrissiK]

Well, what's really bad is when you have a pile of neighborhood kids playing in your back yard, having fun and they're all between the ages of 8-13 and you have to make a quick trip to take one of your kids to piano lessons. His lessons are 5 minutes away and I just drop him off. Do you tell all the kids they have to leave for 10 minutes?

[Mommy_of_4]

I leave my 7.5 yr old every Friday for two hours while the girls have ballet. He hates going and I can trust him to sit and watch tv, read a book or play while I am gone. He has been left alone 1x a week since Aug. and he does perfectly fine with it.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well, what's really bad is when you have a pile of neighborhood kids playing in your back yard, having fun and they're all between the ages of 8-13 and you have to make a quick trip to take one of your kids to piano lessons. His lessons are 5 minutes away and I just drop him off. Do you tell all the kids they have to leave for 10 minutes?

 

I would either have them leave or make sure their parents knew I was not there.  Anything that happens in your yard you could potentially be responsible for.  Obviously it would be easiest to just tell them to leave rather than call up all the parents.  So that's probably what I'd do.

I mean I agree it seems silly, but people are so dang uptight I'd rather not risk it.

 

 

[Mergath]

A friend of mine invited me to see the new Benedict Cumberbatch movie this afternoon.  I can't go because dh is working all day, but let me tell you, I thought long and hard about whether a six-year-old could stay home alone for a couple hours. ;)

 

For me the problem is that I don't think she could handle emergencies without freaking out and freezing up.  If I could guarantee 100% that the house wouldn't catch on fire, or no strangers would come to the door, or whatever, she'd probably be okay staying home alone now.  But when I factor that stuff in, I think she'll be okay staying home for the duration of a movie (or something) by around eight or nine.  I was babysitting my brother for eight hours on Saturdays at eleven years old, cooking meals and doing everything, so I think dd should be able to handle being home alone by nine.

[SeaConquest]

What do you all do when there are younger kids? At what age do you feel comfortable leaving the older child with the youngers? I have a pretty responsible 6 year old, who I could see leaving at a pretty young age, but his younger brother is 4.5 years his junior. I have no idea when I'd feel ok leaving both of them alone together, given the age gap. What has been your experience?

[SKL]

Wow, 14 in NZ.  I know some people who got pregnant and left home at 14.

 

It's scary because I don't know but my state might adopt 14 next.  It makes me eager to see my kids grow up, so they can do the things I did when I was in primary school.

[SKL]

What do you all do when there are younger kids? At what age do you feel comfortable leaving the older child with the youngers? I have a pretty responsible 6 year old, who I could see leaving at a pretty young age, but his younger brother is 4.5 years his junior. I have no idea when I'd feel ok leaving both of them alone together, given the age gap. What has been your experience?

 

I think the only way to find out is to try it for a little while.  (I wouldn't try it just yet though.  ;)

[SeaConquest]

I think the only way to find out is to try it for a little while.  (I wouldn't try it just yet though.  ;)

 

These days, I think the 6 year old handles the 18 month old better than the 40 year old. :)

 

(Takes another sip of her coffee.)

[Momling]

For a responsible kid, babysitting a younger sibling starting at 10-12 yrs old seems reasonable. My older daughter started at 10 babysitting as a "mothers helper" with an adult in the house. She started working in the church nursery with an older girl at 11, took the Red Cross babysitting course at 11 and now babysits for two families with kids who are between 5-8 years old.

[SKL]

I was caring for my baby brother for a couple hours after school at 9yo (my granny left when I got home).  I was pretty responsible and loved babies.  At 10 I had my first paid babysitting job for a 1yo (for hours into the night - the mom had to take the brother to emergency).  At 13 I had a regular paid babysitting job.

 

I probably could have started caring for a younger sibling at home (without an adult present) around age 7.  Of course that would never fly with any authorities in this country.

[Word Nerd]

Wow, 14 in NZ. I know some people who got pregnant and left home at 14.

 

It's scary because I don't know but my state might adopt 14 next. It makes me eager to see my kids grow up, so they can do the things I did when I was in primary school.

It surprises me that it's 14 there too. We've been looking at our state's driving handbook and license requirements this weekend because DD will be able to get a learner's permit in several months. It seems crazy to me that she wouldn't be old enough yet in some places to take care of herself for a few hours--let alone babysit.

[Guest2]

I agree with the 11-12 year old range of you have a child that is responsible and capable. One thing, my oldest reminded me recently was first aid training. He was appalled that his younger siblings didn't know the basics a few years ago. It has been remedied, but I think sometimes we trained kids differently before the extensive use of cell phones.

[Joyofsixreboot]

Short 10 min trips at about 8. An hour or two by 10. 6-8 at 12. I have had the luxury of mostly having an older sib around. I believe our state law is just sort of " at your discretion". I tend to be pretty free range and so far they have done fine. I reserve the right to revoke privileges though.

[Dory]

Below age ten I think it's very unwise for any child to be totally unsupervised. I think as a parent you need to consider the consequences of an emergency.

 

We have neighbours across the road, neighbours just behind us, all the numbers are posted on the fridge. The kids know how to get out of the house, run next door and call for help if a fire were to happen. They know basic cpr and how to dial 911 should anything else major happen. I don't leave kids home unless they have shown that they can work a little under pressure. Not all children under 10 are unable to handle things. My youngest won't be there. He tends to panic first, think later.

 

[Tsuga]

Thank you for the replies. My husband and I disagree about my 12 year old daughter. He thinks it is fine for her to stay several hours by herself. She does enjoy staying home alone, and, for the most part is a responsible kid. We have nice neighbors too. I guess I am just not ready for my baby to grow up. BTW, she has stayed by herself for more than an hour before and was fine.

 

I think that you should do what you feel comfortable with. Every child is different and only you and your husband know your daughter.

 

That said, we allow a lot more freedom.

 

We leave kids to come in at home alone from school at eight provided there are neighbors around. We do have emergency numbers to call.

 

At nine (fourth grade) they can stay home after school until we get home at 5-6 provided they live up to that responsibility. Otherwise they'll be on the Boys and Girls Club bus.

 

My step-daughter has been babysitting since she was 12. She is responsible, intelligent, and uses the money wisely.

 

When she is in high school we will let her babysit after 10 p.m. (not on school nights of course).

 

I would say that seems to be the norm for most families around here. 11 starts to babysit with an adult nearby, babysitting by 13. My neighbor's daughter also started babysitting this year.

 

Naturally this all depends on how they handle responsibility. The child given the responsibility and a job (such as sitting) must be getting all As and Bs, up to date on homework and show responsibility in making other decisions. My stepson is soon to get work-for-money privileges taken away if he doesn't turn in his homework (busywork--he's still getting As on tests). Oh, well. His loss.

 

 

 

These days, I think the 6 year old handles the 18 month old better than the 40 year old.

 

Ain't it the truth. Everyone needs a child around to entertain the baby.

[alisoncooks]

I'm curious...and this may need it's own thread:

Do you think this responsibility (taking care of oneself) is gained with age or experience? Both?

 

Just thinking on some of the historical fiction we've read recently (and, yes, I know the key word there is fiction)...but children seem to have shouldered much more responsibility in the past. What has changed so that kids must be 12, 13, 14 before being capable of watching themselves for a few hours?

 

Not debating anyone's decision above, and I feel confident in my own. ;)

[Dory]

I'm curious...and this may need it's own thread:

Do you think this responsibility (taking care of oneself) is gained with age or experience? Both?

 

Just thinking on some of the historical fiction we've read recently (and, yes, I know the key word there is fiction)...but children seem to have shouldered much more responsibility in the past. What has changed so that kids must be 12, 13, 14 before being capable of watching themselves for a few hours?

 

Not debating anyone's decision above, and I feel confident in my own. ;)

 

I know my oldest is really good at shoulder whatever responsibility he is given, so long as it is handed to him in bite size pieces. Too much at once leaves him scrambling and overwhelmed.

 

My middle child tends to fight back if she feels pushed at all. She doesn't want to be handed responsibility. She wants to look at it, watch others do it, and then take it on ONLY after she has decided she wants it.

 

My youngest seems blissfully unaware of responsibility. It takes a rather large amount of repetitively trying to hand him new responsibility before he seems to even notice that he's supposed to do something. Then it will takes ages of repetitively working at it before he will remember it and consistently do it. He's gifted, so it's not an intelligence issue, it's a maturity and desire thing. Something to do with personality I guess. If my older two had lived a couple hundred years ago they would've shouldered the necessary responsibility at younger ages just fine. My youngest might not have lived past his 3rd birthday.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I'm curious...and this may need it's own thread:

Do you think this responsibility (taking care of oneself) is gained with age or experience? Both?

 

Just thinking on some of the historical fiction we've read recently (and, yes, I know the key word there is fiction)...but children seem to have shouldered much more responsibility in the past. What has changed so that kids must be 12, 13, 14 before being capable of watching themselves for a few hours?

 

Not debating anyone's decision above, and I feel confident in my own. ;)

I listen to my dad's stories and think about my own childhood and wonder too. My guess is that on a safer environment we strive to remove all risk from our kids' lives. It's out of love but to my thinking wrongheaded. I let my 7 yo walk a mile to the library and back. I walked much further to kindergarten. I was cautioned by a friend that surely the police would come to my house.

:huh: I also let them cook, use knives, build fires. I draw the line at juggling chainsaws ;) I guess I fall on the side of directed experience, trying on own, mastery.

[Tsuga]

I'm curious...and this may need it's own thread:

Do you think this responsibility (taking care of oneself) is gained with age or experience? Both?

 

Just thinking on some of the historical fiction we've read recently (and, yes, I know the key word there is fiction)...but children seem to have shouldered much more responsibility in the past. What has changed so that kids must be 12, 13, 14 before being capable of watching themselves for a few hours?

 

Not debating anyone's decision above, and I feel confident in my own. ;)

 

Both.

 

Certainly people gain maturity at different ages and in some cases learning and other disabilities prevent a person from ever living alone.

 

I think the law would set the upper limit for reasons other than the fact that children aren't capable. 

 

 

 

My youngest seems blissfully unaware of responsibility. It takes a rather large amount of repetitively trying to hand him new responsibility before he seems to even notice that he's supposed to do something. 

 

I was like that and my mom thought I'd never manage in the world. But actually, I just didn't care about imposed consequences and until you are on your own paying your own way, most consequences are artificially imposed. I was very good at managing what I wanted to manage, but didn't choose to manage anything else. It may be possible that your child simply knows you're going to step in so why waste mental effort on caring for things like the pot of soup on the stove?

 

This I suppose would be a good argument for gradually increasing real responsibility. "Oh, you left the perishable milk out. Let's have the money to pay for it. Thanks."

[SKL]

Age of responsibility:  I think its a combination of nature, experience, modeling, opportunity, and discipline.

 

Opportunity holds my kids back.  There are so few errands they can run on their own - it's impractical for them to bike/walk to almost anywhere, and there are rules against them going places alone.  I have to be creative and think up opportunities for them to really do age-appropriate things.  It seems a bit backwards, doesn't it?  When I was a kid, we were out all summer and the community actually had fun stuff for free-range kids to do.  Also, I had much younger siblings to "practice on," and they don't.

 

Nature - both of my kids are calm and fairly obedient.  One of them prefers to sit and imagine or read/ watch screens.  The other is more adventurous and social, but also more brave and better at planning things out.  They look out for each other and know how to speak up when they have needs.  There's nothing about them that makes me worry when they are alone.  Myself as a kid, I was very self-motivated, always planning an adventure, and I taught myself to do many things.

 

Discipline - here is where a lot has changed.  Even when I was a kid in the 1970s, my mom would punish me if I didn't take care of my responsibilities (school, chores, younger siblings, behavior choices).  And I'm not talking about natural consequences either.  Nowadays that is obviously frowned upon.  In fact, parents are accused of being lazy if they give the kids much responsibility.  The other thing is that kids have other "responsibilities" nowadays.  I didn't get homework in K-2, and after that it was a much lighter load.  I didn't do organized sports or music lessons until middle school.  I didn't have all this technology and gray area "bullying" stuff to try to figure out.  Nobody was checking my lunch to see if it met dietary regulations.  Heck, I didn't even brush my teeth.  I have to get my kids to do all of this every day, so yeah, old-fashioned responsibilities tend to get neglected.

[ErinE]

At 11, I was babysitting other kids for hours at a time. :)

When I was eight, i was home alone after school for a few hours until my older sibling came home. My mom would call to make sure I was okay. But I never had an issue. I was taught to never answer the phone or door and we had numbers posted by the phone for emergencies. My mother's best friend lived 10 minutes away so I could call her if I needed her.

[NancyNellen]

Generally speaking, 10 has been the average age with our kids. Of course, lots of variables can change that  ... are they watching other kids? usually trustworthy? live in a good neighborhood?

 

But, yes, 10 seems the right age for an hour or two. By 12, they have all stayed for a few hours alone.

[shawthorne44]

9

[Lolly]

I'm curious...and this may need it's own thread:

Do you think this responsibility (taking care of oneself) is gained with age or experience? Both?

 

Just thinking on some of the historical fiction we've read recently (and, yes, I know the key word there is fiction)...but children seem to have shouldered much more responsibility in the past. What has changed so that kids must be 12, 13, 14 before being capable of watching themselves for a few hours?

 

Not debating anyone's decision above, and I feel confident in my own. ;)

Both. No one would expect a 3 yo to be able to stay home, loose in the house, alone and not find some trouble. Experience seems to be the clincher for school aged children though. They can generally handle much more than we allow them to.

[shawthorne44]

I'm curious...and this may need it's own thread:

Do you think this responsibility (taking care of oneself) is gained with age or experience? Both?

 

Just thinking on some of the historical fiction we've read recently (and, yes, I know the key word there is fiction)...but children seem to have shouldered much more responsibility in the past. What has changed so that kids must be 12, 13, 14 before being capable of watching themselves for a few hours?

 

Not debating anyone's decision above, and I feel confident in my own. ;)

 

I think it was the free-range-ness of past childhoods.  Kids going to play outside without parental supervision.  And, kids just being without parental supervision.  

 

I was reading a book on Tools of the Mind, which is all about Executive Function.  It talks about the huge benefits of multi-age packs of children playing.  This theory is very into the kid being given tools to do what they are not quite ready for.  Like when the kid is first introduced to pattern completion.   You say out loud, "Red Green Blue. Red Green Blue. Red ..."    The packs of children do something similar in play.  The kids want to play XYZ game, and the youngest kid isn't quite getting it.  So, the older kids coach the younger and unofficially along the younger a handicap.  Like when a 6-year-old plays hide and seek with a 2-year-old.  The 6-year-old will pretend to not see the little one, and not try too hard to hide.  The 2-year-old isn't really old enough to play hide and seek, but this 2-year-old will be really ready long before other kids.  The kids develop responsibility by being away from their parents, and they also gain some executive function.  I also think the multi-age playing is an advantage of homeschooling.  

[alisoncooks]

Legal liability for leaving young kids alone is real.

 

This is true and I would recommend being familiar with the laws of one's state (though many states have no set age).

[SKL]

Legal liability for leaving young kids alone is real.

 

A 6 and 8 year old died in a house fire recently when left alone. Should it have happened when an adult was home perhaps it wouldn't have ended differently. Then again perhaps it would have.

 

I remember my mom telling me as a very young child that the biggest reason little kids die in fires is that they get scared and hide - especially if they are the ones who started the fire.  Going over the what-ifs and what-to-dos periodically with a responsible kid as old as 8 should prevent escapable tragedy, at least in the daytime.

But that is the reason I don't let my kids cook / light matches when I'm not home.  It is too easy for a distracted kid to start a fire, and for a scared kid to make it worse.  Even if my kids got out, I still would rather not have a fire (large or small) in my house.

[Loowit]

This is true and I would recommend being familiar with the laws of one's state (though many states have no set age).

 

I think the states with no set age, like mine, are more frustrating.  It is then left up to whoever is investigating, if there is a problem, to determine if they think it was a responsible decision.  If something where to happen if I left my 9 year old at home or even my 11 year old, I have no law to point to that tells me it was "okay" to do.  I would much prefer a clear line, even if I don't agree with it, and so open ended.

[SKL]

I think the states with no set age, like mine, are more frustrating.  It is then left up to whoever is investigating, if there is a problem, to determine if they think it was a responsible decision.  If something where to happen if I left my 9 year old at home or even my 11 year old, I have no law to point to that tells me it was "okay" to do.  I would much prefer a clear line, even if I don't agree with it, and so open ended.

 

I would be afraid that they would set the age way too high if they took on that responsibility to "better protect" the youth.  Our state's guidelines for kids in state custody are (last time I checked) 12yo to stay alone, 13yo to babysit a younger sibling.  I think I'd rather take my chances at weighing my community's norms against my kids' needs.  I can't see hiring a sitter to watch my kids for a short time period at age 11/12.

 

That said, I keep it hush hush when my kids are home alone (and I tell them to do the same).  My kids always carry house keys and let themselves in even when I'm home (I'm a WAHM), so it isn't obvious that some days I don't happen to be there.

[Tsuga]

So easy to think you are prepared.

 

Nobody is ever fully prepared.

 

But you also can't control all of life.

 

These kids will be running the world someday. I'd rather they have more than 10 years of experience paying their own rent, and more than 20 years of experience taking care of themselves, when they can run for the office of president!

 

I mean... they will be working soon enough if they want an edge getting and keeping a great job in college to help pay the bills. How will they do that if you can't even leave them alone to use the microwave?

[SKL]

So easy to think you are prepared.

 

The vast majority of serious injuries happen when kids are supervised.  The vast majority of crimes against children are committed by people in a supervisory capacity.  Supervision does not equal safety.

 

The best preparation is learning to think for oneself.

[IsabelC]

I would leave my 11yo at home alone for a couple of hours. I'd leave my 6yo at home alone for a few minutes. The eldest is also allowed to roam the neighborhood on his own as long as he tells us when and where he is going. The girls are not allowed off our property alone but can go if there is more than one person walking/riding together.

I sometimes leave all three of them alone together for up to an hour when dh and I walk the dog together in the blocks surrounding our house (we did this yesterday evening and the kids fixed a three-course meal while we were out).

 

Depends on the kid. Depends on the situation. Depends on how far away I'm going to be too. If I'm only going to my local shops, that is 2 minutes drive away so I can be back very quickly if the kids phone me. But I wouldn't leave them alone to drive to the city because I'm 40 minutes away if they need me. Except when I'm going out and dh is late and I know he's only 10 minutes away from getting home.

 

We don't have a specific age at which it's legally OK in this state. We simply have a legal duty to have our kids "properly looked after". I would argue that I have looked after them by making sure they know how to stay safe, know how to access food, water etc, have appropriate activities to do, are aware of what to do in an emergency and can easily contact me or another suitable adult in case of any problems.

[LisaKinVA]

Because I have younger children, it's been easier to just take them all, if had to take the oldest. We have just recently begun leaving my 11.5 yo home with the 2 youngest (6 and 8) for 30-60 min when I have to get the oldest to practice before dh gets home. We have plenty of neighbors, but there's a language barrier.

 

In general, it depends on numerous factors. My kids were on the older side -- mainly due to the fact I couldn't get to the grocery store and back (never mind shopping time) in much under an hour.

[LisaKinVA]

Because I have younger children, it's been easier to just take them all, if had to take the oldest. We have just recently begun leaving my 11.5 yo home with the 2 youngest (6 and 8) for 30-60 min when I have to get the oldest to practice before dh gets home. We have plenty of neighbors, but there's a language barrier.

 

In general, it depends on numerous factors. My kids were on the older side -- mainly due to the fact I couldn't get to the grocery store and back (never mind shopping time) in much under an hour.

[Tanaqui]

The vast majority of serious injuries happen when kids are supervised.  The vast majority of crimes against children are committed by people in a supervisory capacity.  Supervision does not equal safety.

 

The best preparation is learning to think for oneself.

 

Well, yes, but are we putting the cart before the horse here? If children spend most of their time supervised, it makes sense that most of the injuries would happen during those hours - and that very few crimes would be committed against them without the knowledge and cooperation of the people responsible for them.

 

[sweetpea3829]

This has been very interesting to read...lol.

 

My husband accepted a job close to home.  As in, 7 minutes from home.  We are thinking of dropping down to one car, in order to save a bit on costs.  It would necessitate that I would have to drop him off in the morning, on the days that I want the van to do things with the kids.  

 

Our kids are 9, 8, almost 7 and 5 1/2.  I would literally be 15 minutes, 20 tops.  

 

The idea of packing all four up early in the morning (it would be rare for them to be up that early) is not appealing.  

 

I'm not even sure if its legal for me to leave them to run Hubby to work...lol.