I hate the term 'gifted'

[quark]

I think I've only ever posted a few times in this subforum but I lurk a lot. :)  I felt as though I wanted to jump in on this thread - I hope that's OK.

 

I've always thought that "gifted" referred to individuals whose mental processing speeds were simply faster than the average - it's an innate wiring difference in the brain of gifted individuals.

 

[...]

 

For all, the common factor is the increased mental processing speed.

 

I'm not an expert at all...but did research the WISC4 subtests when my son took that test. There's literature out there about how giftedness isn't just about processing speed but it might take time to dig these articles up. This is one that I found by googling just now. I apologize for not being able to link more because it's late, but there are definitely more if you are interested to have a look. :001_smile:

 

http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10447.aspx

 

ETA: I forgot to link Tolan's Is It A Cheetah?

[Alte Veste Academy]

I have been thinking about this thoughtful post and wanted to come back to it. I hope I am not derailing the thread in some way. And I am answering based on my own experience and am interested in hearing others' thoughts too.

 

Denial and imposter syndrome, in my experience, are very strong factors in the recognition of gifts. I know that they have messed with my brain/ acceptance of gifts etc long enough. I think given the way one is parented can be a huge factor in how much is lost to imposter feelings and how much the gift thrives because it is suitably supported or recognized by the individual himself/herself. Within my family for example, my sibling's primary gifts were strongly supported because they were favorable to my parents and mine weren't because they were not encouraged by the community, and/or they were seen as possible disadvantages to my marriage prospects. I say this matter of factly and without self pity because I have found closure in other ways. Mine were the kind of gifts that were best developed/ supported from a young age...they were not the kind of things you do well without training from young, so they have now floundered. I think even more sadly, my parents did not recognize me as gifted because my gifts were not important enough or might have even been embarrassing to them and in conversations it is only my sibling's gifts that were highlighted. So I guess I can't help but feel that how much support, overtly or otherwise, is received from a young age is a huge help always. Positive support of course, not the overly pushy kind. in this scenario, I am also trying to answer the question about dedicating your life to something from young...I was fully ready to do it but couldn't get past the roadblocks my parents put in my way and they were not parents who could be reasoned with by a 9yo. By the time I was independent enough to do it myself, I had lost precious time.

 

Yes, I believe there can be a gift and little or no interest in pursuing it. It takes hard work. I don't think people realize this enough. It seems like the gift comes easily to the person gifted with it but in most cases that I know, the person also works very hard at it. They have to be willing to!

 

And yes, I believe a gift can definitely lurk and surface only when some sort of catalyst is present. That catalyst could be anything from a shiny new toy to a feeling of wanting to be acknowledged by someone important to that person to a host of other things. I would be very interested to know what kind of biochemistry is involved in this process. I have felt this surge of a hidden gift rising and it is such a thrill, such excitement, so fulfilling to pursue. I don't know if you guys have heard of "flow"? I've been in that situation multiple times with my specific gifts and there really is little to match the thrill, the intense passion of doing it and knowing you are really good at it, and yet, not knowing you can be this good at it just a week or month or year earlier.

 

I suspect I might not be fully understanding your questions too AVA so please feel free to correct me if needed.

It is such a balance to find the sweet spot between gifts, support, and motivation (both intrinsic and extrinsic). I struggle most with finding and providing the optimal level of support, personally. I am not a pusher. If anything, I am more likely to expect too little than too much, and I worry that my kids might actually benefit from more pushing. It is not my nature though, which I'm sure is related to my lifelong resistance to being pushed by anyone else. LOL I was self-motivated and, frankly, that is what I want to see in my kids. So I tend not to push, but to support...and I think generally I do OK until I start to worry that too much support might detract from self-motivation. Fun cycle!

 

I think it would be great for you to take up dancing again now, maybe as a hobby. :)

[Grover]

I'm not an expert at all...but did research the WISC4 subtests when my son took that test. There's literature out there about how giftedness isn't just about processing speed but it might take time to dig these articles up. This is one that I found by googling just now. I apologize for not being able to link more because it's late, but there are definitely more if you are interested to have a look. :001_smile:

 

http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10447.aspx

 

 

yes to this - I've just been writing up an assessment for a young man who is undeniably gifted - his thinking ability is beyind the 99.9th percentile, but his processing speed is waaaaay down in the low range.  He *can* think at a high level... he just needs time.  School is a very frustrating place for him.  On the other hand I have seen young people who think / process extremely quickly but cannot reason or problem solve beyond the average range.  They *look* gifted in a classroom because, on age appropriate material, they are waving their hands in the air before their classmates have finished processing the question, and they often end up in "gifted" programmes in schools that don't look beyond classroom performance.  Put them in a programme with actual gifted kids, however, and the wheels fall off for them when they are asked to engage higher order thinking skills. 

[8filltheheart]

yes to this - I've just been writing up an assessment for a young man who is undeniably gifted - his thinking ability is beyind the 99.9th percentile, but his processing speed is waaaaay down in the low range.  He *can* think at a high level... he just needs time.  School is a very frustrating place for him.  On the other hand I have seen young people who think / process extremely quickly but cannot reason or problem solve beyond the average range.  They *look* gifted in a classroom because, on age appropriate material, they are waving their hands in the air before their classmates have finished processing the question, and they often end up in "gifted" programmes in schools that don't look beyond classroom performance.  Put them in a programme with actual gifted kids, however, and the wheels fall off for them when they are asked to engage higher order thinking skills. 

 

Thank you for such a simple explanation.  I was trying to think about how to respond. I am glad I read through all the posts first.

 

Our Aspie, by IQ terms, is undeniably in the "gifted" range.   Yet in the 2 different IQ tests he has taken, his audio and visual  processing speeds are low, almost as low as feasibly possible to test.   The first time they were in the 1st and 3rd percentiles (IIRC that translates to something like an IQ of 56/59).   The second time they were not much better, the 2nd and 18th percentiles.  ( I don't even know what that translates to b/c I didn't pay much attention since I had already dealt with the idea the first time around.)

 

Yet his over all IQ places him in 130-145 range which is very superior and the psy told us that bc of his huge discrepancies in score that it is impossible to really assess what his IQ really is. (And knowing his complete inability to function as an adult, I also know that IQ in isolation is rather meaningless.)

 

FWIW, I suspect almost all of my kids have slow processing speeds (though not as slow as our Aspie).   My kids tend to take a while before they give answers vs. just blurting them out.    But given their level of critical  thinking and the connections they make that I would never have considered, I suspect they are gifted.   They also do master concepts at younger ages, but the mastery vs. how they approach things with how they think things through is very different in my different children.   It is why I do not believe all of my kids are gifted.   The thought processes are just observably different.  I haven't had any coffee yet, so that is about as articulate of a bad description I can give. ;)

[Woodland Mist Academy]

This thread reinforces my dislike of the word.  It's too easy to misunderstand, misinterpret, and misuse. ;)

 

[Heathermomster]

yes to this - I've just been writing up an assessment for a young man who is undeniably gifted - his thinking ability is beyind the 99.9th percentile, but his processing speed is waaaaay down in the low range.  He *can* think at a high level... he just needs time.  School is a very frustrating place for him.  On the other hand I have seen young people who think / process extremely quickly but cannot reason or problem solve beyond the average range.  They *look* gifted in a classroom because, on age appropriate material, they are waving their hands in the air before their classmates have finished processing the question, and they often end up in "gifted" programmes in schools that don't look beyond classroom performance.  Put them in a programme with actual gifted kids, however, and the wheels fall off for them when they are asked to engage higher order thinking skills. 

My child has experienced this and it is why we homeschool.  I am going to go out on a limb a say that most 2e kids have lower processing speeds and working memory.  

 

 

[wapiti]

Chalk my ds up as another with slow processing speed but, oddly, high working memory. What's weird is how his higher order thinking is ten steps ahead in spite of the glacial pace of input and output.

[quark]

(edited)

 

I think processing speed can be high but also come across as slow if perfectionism is present. I think that this also happens with maturity, as they grow older they might become more thoughtful...or thoughtfulness might be a personality trait that balances out the fast processing speed?

 

Once we ramped up the difficulty of his work, he slowed down some more. He also slowed down as his work required more writing. He still processes some of it quickly but the level of work is obviously more challenging than what he is used to. He slowed down when he got used to his tutor's Socratic style. He slowed down as I expected him to think through his answers more carefully. I am glad we ramped up challenge and used a lot of discussion from when he was younger because if I had waited too long he might have coasted and given up more quickly due to how easily things were coming to him.

 

Someone mentioned in a forum that a child will still need to be in his ideal environment for things like high processing speed etc to really show themselves. I don't know what that means exactly. I don't know if I always want him to rush for answers. I don't know if it is always an advantage.

 

[quark]

Quoting from the report we received from the tester (what is working memory, processing speed):

 

... working memory (WMI), ........., is a measure of short- and long-term memory, attention and concentration, mental alertness and mental manipulation.  ... processing speed (PRI), ........., indicates strong visual-motor coordination, and attention and concentration.

[Arcadia]

I think processing speed can be high but also come across as slow if perfectionism is present.

Not only perfectionism. In a classroom situation after shooting up the hand to answer a few

questions, it is common to hear some teachers here say "give others a chance". So my older would moderate his enthusiasm to the situations. He is adept at picking up social cues.

 

The only time I was "encouraged" to be very fast in processing by my age peers is the snatch round of elementary school inter class math quiz. Whoever gets the problem solve correctly first, the team gets the point.

 

Sometimes I wonder for fun if perfectionists might actually sit out contest because they are already busy competing with oneself.

 

ETA:

My older will find something "too hard", cry and then be all serious with tackling the problem. He will be jumping for joy after that.

If they choose something, I don't worry about if it is too hard. If I find something interesting and maybe hard, I just tell them it is optional fun stuff.

 

I never heard the term "age appropriate" growing up. My extended family is quite "gung-ho" in mentality (like the Nike slogan :) )

[Dicentra]

My apologies - I have a lot to learn. :)

[quark]

My apologies - I have a lot to learn. :)

 

I think your post contributed to the discussion, and helped me review some of the things I had read previously about speed. :001_smile:

 

[Dicentra]

To expand on my apology... :)

 

I didn't mean to make anyone or their children feel even more misunderstood.  I was just pondering this some more and I wonder, like some pps, if gifted individuals who test and show low processing speeds actually have higher processing speeds but the testing environment or other factors (2E, etc.) are skewing the results.  I know :) - it's neither here nor there with regards to those individuals.  We don't have any way of directly observing processing speeds - only the indirect correlation the test results show.  The test results tell us what they tell us and we work with the info they give.  My apologies again. :)

[Woodland Mist Academy]

I'm happy you posted, Dicentra!! I enjoyed the direction it took the conversation!

[Woodland Mist Academy]

Quark,

 

Thanks for sharing what you did! It helped me to better understand a few things going on here.

 

 

[quark]

Quark,

 

Thanks for sharing what you did! It helped me to better understand a few things going on here.

 

I am so glad it did! You are welcome. (edited)

[8filltheheart]

To expand on my apology... :)

 

I didn't mean to make anyone or their children feel even more misunderstood.  I was just pondering this some more and I wonder, like some pps, if gifted individuals who test and show low processing speeds actually have higher processing speeds but the testing environment or other factors (2E, etc.) are skewing the results.  I know :) - it's neither here nor there with regards to those individuals.  We don't have any way of directly observing processing speeds - only the indirect correlation the test results show.  The test results tell us what they tell us and we work with the info they give.  My apologies again. :)

 

Ironically, my Aspie is not 2E.  He does suffer from anxiety.  I think his first test results were impacted by his anxiety levels b/c he shut down.  But, no, I do not think his 2nd test was at all.   He has great rapport with his psy and he was completely at ease with the testing and told me that he wasn't stressed by the testing at all.

 

I am also glad you contributed to the conversation.  :)  I think it is also an excellent reminder that academics and education are only a small slice of who are children are as individuals.

[Dicentra]

Ironically, my Aspie is not 2E.  He does suffer from anxiety.  I think his first test results were impacted by his anxiety levels b/c he shut down.  But, no, I do not think his 2nd test was at all.   He has great rapport with his psy and he was completely at ease with the testing and told me that he wasn't stressed by the testing at all.

 

I am also glad you contributed to the conversation.   :)  I think it is also an excellent reminder that academics and education are only a small slice of who are children are as individuals.

 

Just to play devil's advocate, 8... ;)

 

Do you think there could be a factor at play (in your ds's case or in other cases) that is either subconscious or unconscious that could be skewing the test results?  Even the structure of the test itself?  I could be way off - it's just something I was thinking about. :)

[Alte Veste Academy]

ETA: I forgot to link Tolan's Is It A Cheetah?

Just so you know, ;) , this link is sending me into a tailspin of self-analysis as a homeschool teacher and (argh!) cheetah mentor. :lol:

[8filltheheart]

Just to play devil's advocate, 8... ;)

 

Do you think there could be a factor at play (in your ds's case or in other cases) that is either subconscious or unconscious that could be skewing the test results?  Even the structure of the test itself?  I could be way off - it's just something I was thinking about. :)

 

No.  I think that whatever executive function deficits and the other deficits he has which impede his ability to function normally which are classified as autistic are interconnected with his low processing speeds.

 

But academically, he has zero learning issues other needing more time to complete assignments.

[Dicentra]

 

I am also glad you contributed to the conversation.   :)  I think it is also an excellent reminder that academics and education are only a small slice of who are children are as individuals.

 

I'm a terrible communicator, especially on the internet.  I was actually trying to get across what you stated above, 8! :)  I meant for my original post to be supportive of those whose gifted kids don't present in the "usual" (and I mean for there to be big, sarcastic quotes around "usual" :) ) way.  If the only way we have to identify giftedness is indirectly (since we can't "see" inside a individual's brain to see how they process) through the use of testing or by measuring achievement, we're bound to misidentify and misunderstand those who don't present in a way that is compatible with our current ways of identifying (testing, achievement, etc.).  Giftedness is SO much more than a test score or how an individual does in academics.  That's why I think it's very important to talk to our gifted kids about what it's like when they become gifted adults.  The giftedness is still there even after "school" is done. :)

[quark]

deleted

[8filltheheart]

I hope I did not cause any misunderstanding. I did understand that you were expressing how giftedness was more than a test score upthread, and might have made it look like I didn't as I left out some of the details you had mentioned when quoting you.

 

The numbers are always just one snapshot...helpful in some ways, scary in others, always just one snapshot. And so dependent on how a child is feeling on that day, on personality, on what he ate for breakfast, on how stressed he thinks his parents are about this "brain game" he is supposed to be playing with the nice lady, and so on. It's so unfortunate that society as a whole still pegs it with academics. I don't feel like any of my own gifts are academic so I have had self esteem issues for a long time growing up in a family that places so much important on test scores. It's very liberating to think beyond the numbers and see the whole child. Thank goodness for people like Bill Watterson. :001_smile:

 

 

Well, quark, I am 100% not PC when it comes to discussing my ds.  I have zero qualms saying our ds is disabled. The idea that autism can be a gift is lost on me.  Gifted isn't a word in my daily vocabulary for discussing him.  Disabled comes up quite a bit now that we are dealing with real world adult issues, employment, budgeting, dating, etc. Nothing about how he functions as an adult falls in normal adult behavior.  In my daily struggles to parent this completely dependent adult child, academic background and high levels of intelligence rarely come in to play.

[quark]

8, I am not able to decipher the tone of what you mean from the post above. I hope I did not overstep in some way? I have autistic and mentally disabled cousins. I have seen my aunts struggle but of course, never will know the extent of the struggle because I am not living their life. One of these cousins passed away in his early 30s in a freak accident that might or might not have been related to his disability. We younger cousins were often shielded from what was happening with him so I still don't really know what it was that caused his death. I have a lot to learn about others' struggles. I hope nothing I said came across as if I know more than I do, 8!

[8filltheheart]

8, I am not able to decipher the tone of what you mean from the post above. I hope I did not overstep in some way? I have autistic and mentally disabled cousins. I have seen my aunts struggle but of course, never will know the extent of the struggle because I am not living their life. One of these cousins passed away in his early 30s in a freak accident that might or might not have been related to his disability. We younger cousins were often shielded from what was happening with him so I still don't really know what it was that caused his death. I have a lot to learn about others' struggles. I hope nothing I said came across as if I know more than I do, 8!

Oh my goodness, no, quark! 

 

My point is that society no longer looks at our ds through an academic prism. As an adult, he is judged on a totally different set of skills.  It is simply a reminder that we should never lose sight of the big picture.  Whether they are 6 or 16 or 26.   They are a whole, unique person.  As homeschoolers, it can unfortunately become easy to get sucked into seeing too much of the academic side.  

 

I have a whole host of regrets about our ds.  I lament about them often, though on the SN forum, not this one.   I wish I had totally ignored a college prep education and spent time establishing other skills instead b/c his deficits are very real and very disabling.

[quark]

Oh my goodness, no, quark! 

 

Thank you 8! I didn't think so too but just wanted to be sure that I hadn't made a huge gaffe. I respect your feelings too much. :grouphug:

[lewelma]

As homeschoolers, it can unfortunately become easy to get sucked into seeing too much of the academic side. 

 

This is such a good reminder, 8.  Thanks for your honesty.

[Pegs]

Giftedness is SO much more than a test score or how an individual does in academics. That's why I think it's very important to talk to our gifted kids about what it's like when they become gifted adults. The giftedness is still there even after "school" is done. :)

Yes! As are the challenges inherent in so many of the impairments that accompany giftedness. For example, overexcitabilities, poor executive functioning. Life skills are SO important.

 

I missed out on a lot of that normal adult functioning stuff, and now joke that I'm more like 2e minus 1.

 

PS Dicentra I hope you don't mind my snipping your post. I notice that most people quote in full with sections bolded, but I couldn't do it from a tablet.

[Korrale]

For a long time I have flat out denied the possibility that my son was gifted. I figured he was normal (as normal as can be with high function autism) and that it was the fact that he was specifically taught, that put him ahead. Then I realise that all the kids that I have compared him to that I know well, and I had previously taught, are all in either GATE programs or GATE magnet schools. And I am being humbled as I am now teaching a child with the same methods that have garnered such success in the past and he is floundering. So it is hard to know what is normal.

 

My child has experienced this and it is why we homeschool. I am going to go out on a limb a say that most 2e kids have lower processing speeds and working memory.

 

(edited)

 

I think processing speed can be high but also come across as slow if perfectionism is present. I think that this also happens with maturity, as they grow older they might become more thoughtful...or thoughtfulness might be a personality trait that balances out the fast processing speed?

 

Once we ramped up the difficulty of his work, he slowed down some more. He also slowed down as his work required more writing. He still processes some of it quickly but the level of work is obviously more challenging than what he is used to. He slowed down when he got used to his tutor's Socratic style. He slowed down as I expected him to think through his answers more carefully. I am glad we ramped up challenge and used a lot of discussion from when he was younger because if I had waited too long he might have coasted and given up more quickly due to how easily things were coming to him.

 

Someone mentioned in a forum that a child will still need to be in his ideal environment for things like high processing speed etc to really show themselves. I don't know what that means exactly. I don't know if I always want him to rush for answers. I don't know if it is always an advantage.

This! The constant need for revision and the lack of processing speed made me consider my son accelerated and just well taught. Certainly not gifted. I spent months trying to teach him the Pledge of Allegiance. It would not stick. He refused to learn it. Then just yesterday after listening to Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass once, my son started reciting poems like The Queen of Heart and The Jaberwocky. So now I know he is capable, he just doesn't always have the desire.

[regentrude]

 I spent months trying to teach him the Pledge of Allegiance. It would not stick. He refused to learn it. Then just yesterday after listening to Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass once, my son started reciting poems like The Queen of Heart and The Jaberwocky. So now I know he is capable, he just doesn't always have the desire.

 

Don't beat me for not being patriotic enough, but the Pledge of Allegiance really can't hold a candle to Jabberwocky!

[Korrale]

Don't beat me for not being patriotic enough, but the Pledge of Allegiance really can't hold a candle to Jabberwocky!

Indeed! Personally I am not a fan of poetry. But I love the Jaberwocky. And Edward Lear and several others. I don't know why I am shocked at times when I find that my son is an awful lot like me.

[FairProspects]

So if you don't like the term "gifted", what do you use when adults ask you why your kids can do something or know something? When your kids are consistently recognized instantly by other adults as outliers, what do you say? He just likes to study X, Y, Z doesn't always cut it as a response when it is an innate ability or skill. Those can be awkward moments too and I just don't know what to say when that happens. I don't really have an explanation myself other than, that is who he is.

[MotherOfBoys]

So if you don't like the term "gifted", what do you use when adults ask you why your kids can do something or know something? When your kids are consistently recognized instantly by other adults as outliers, what do you say? He just likes to study X, Y, Z doesn't always cut it as a response when it is an innate ability or skill. Those can be awkward moments too and I just don't know what to say when that happens. I don't really have an explanation myself other than, that is who he is.

I say "I read aloud ALOT". 

[Erin]

So if you don't like the term "gifted", what do you use when adults ask you why your kids can do something or know something?

 

Honestly, I've never had someone ask.  I've had a lot of people comment, but it's usually along the lines of, "My.  He really understands mechanics/space/physics/etc, doesn't he."  ...Observation rather than question.   (though not so much now that he's nearly 15.  It's not nearly as noticeable as it was at 6.  lol  With Bean it's never been quite as obvious)

 

But it's easy to just agree and say "Yep.  It's a passion."  

​If someone were to ask I would just modify that statement to be.  "Beats me.  S/he's always been fascinated by ______."  

Because honestly, it does beat me.  I have no idea why my kids are the way they are.  :)

[lewelma]

So if you don't like the term "gifted", what do you use when adults ask you why your kids can do something or know something? When your kids are consistently recognized instantly by other adults as outliers, what do you say? He just likes to study X, Y, Z doesn't always cut it as a response when it is an innate ability or skill. Those can be awkward moments too and I just don't know what to say when that happens. I don't really have an explanation myself other than, that is who he is.

 

I just say "my kids work above grade level" in a matter of fact sort of way.  If I'm not awkward, they they aren't.  And if they want more info, they ask.

 

In New Zealand, you would never use the term gifted.  eeek!

[lewelma]

 

But it's easy to just agree and say "Yep.  It's a passion."  

​If someone were to ask I would just modify that statement to be.  "Beats me.  S/he's always been fascinated by ______."  

Because honestly, it does beat me.  I have no idea why my kids are the way they are.   :)

 

I say something very similar. 

[quark]

Like Erin, I haven't had anyone actually ask for a lot of detail. But I guess I would just say it as matter of factly as I can if they do. Something like: "he is/was fascinated by X and we found some library books" or "he likes asking questions about these things to learn more" or "oh, we went to this public lecture you see and there was this really fun presenter there who had so many interesting things to share...you can sign up for the mailing list for future lectures if you are interested" and so on. With some closer friends I just grin and say "Wee-kee-peeedia" and they get it. :laugh:

 

However, I think I use the word "passion" mostly only here and in very few other places as personal preference. DS can also be very exact...sometimes if I say "passion" he will correct me and say "um Mom, I don't really think I have a lot of passion for this, maybe just say 'I like it" or 'I am interested' instead?".

[Woodland Mist Academy]

 

 

However, I think I use the word "passion" mostly only here and in very few other places as personal preference. DS can also be very exact...sometimes if I say "passion" he will correct me and say "um Mom, I don't really think I have a lot of passion for this, maybe just say 'I like it" or 'I am interested' instead?".

 

  :smilielol5:

 

 

You are not alone!

[quark]

  :smilielol5:

 

 

You are not alone!

 

:cheers2: :laugh:

 

[Grover]

In New Zealand, you would never use the term gifted.  eeek!

 

this is true, it's just asking for an argument. 

 

So much so that I have had people working with my kids (such as music teachers, preschool gym, random librarians, etc) sidle up and say things like, "um, your son.  Um.  You do know, don't you?" And if I'm feeling evil I play dumb, and they stammer and stutter and say things like "well, um, you know what he can do is not, um, usual, don't you?" because they don't want to use the 'g' word.  Mostly I'm nicer though and just say, "yes, he's profoundly gifted."  They usually look relieved.  Actually, I find the "profoundly" part helps in that situation because they realise he's a serious oddball :-) 

 

If, on the other hand, I were to say to a parent who noticed, "yes, he's gifted" I then get responses like, "so?" and "well so's my son, and we make school work" etc.  I find parents of mildly gifted / "gifted at school" kids the most antagonistic, I suspect because by homeschooling they think I'm questioning their choice (I don't care, honest!). 

 

It's best not to say anything around here... either people notice or they don't.  It does make it a little tricky to access help / support though, because sometimes I hold back on asking about things because I don't want to be "that" parent.  I'm going to have to get over it though. 

[Ad astra]

For a long time I have flat out denied the possibility that my son was gifted. I figured he was normal (as normal as can be with high function autism) and that it was the fact that he was specifically taught, that put him ahead. Then I realise that all the kids that I have compared him to that I know well, and I had previously taught, are all in either GATE programs or GATE magnet schools. And I am being humbled as I am now teaching a child with the same methods that have garnered such success in the past and he is floundering. So it is hard to know what is normal.

 

Exactly. There were times I had the same kind of feeling about my son's progress... I attributed his academic aptitude/advancement mostly to my teaching skills/methods and our nurturing home environment. I never considered him "(profoundly) gifted"--and still don't--because I was also comparing him with myself and other top class students at his age. And then our second child turned 2 earlier this year, and so far she has stubbornly resisted my every single attempt to teach her anything slightly academic. She can't care less about my compliments and positive reinforcement, which worked so well with my son. She likes to play/pick up things independently, and if I interrupt her she walks away. She wouldn't even let me play a puzzle with her or read books to her. She randomly surprises us with what she knows but refuses to tell us again when asked. So I've been leaving her alone and letting her explore the world around her on her own at her slow pace. Under the same circumstances she's turning out quite differently from her brother, and I also became humble about my teaching abilities and careful not to fall into a trap of being a know-it-all on parenting and early education. 

 

So if you don't like the term "gifted", what do you use when adults ask you why your kids can do something or know something? When your kids are consistently recognized instantly by other adults as outliers, what do you say? He just likes to study X, Y, Z doesn't always cut it as a response when it is an innate ability or skill. Those can be awkward moments too and I just don't know what to say when that happens. I don't really have an explanation myself other than, that is who he is.

 

To my parents, parents-in-law and preschool teachers who have noticed my son's capabilities, I just told "He is an avid learner and hard worker," which is true. I haven't told anybody else about how much he knows or can do academically. If any other parent recognizes some parts of his skills, I respond "Yes, he loves reading books/playing with numbers." and quickly compliment their kids for their good drawings, sports skills or nice manners.

[Runningmom80]

this is true, it's just asking for an argument. 

 

So much so that I have had people working with my kids (such as music teachers, preschool gym, random librarians, etc) sidle up and say things like, "um, your son.  Um.  You do know, don't you?" And if I'm feeling evil I play dumb, and they stammer and stutter and say things like "well, um, you know what he can do is not, um, usual, don't you?" because they don't want to use the 'g' word.  Mostly I'm nicer though and just say, "yes, he's profoundly gifted."  They usually look relieved.  Actually, I find the "profoundly" part helps in that situation because they realise he's a serious oddball :-) 

 

If, on the other hand, I were to say to a parent who noticed, "yes, he's gifted" I then get responses like, "so?" and "well so's my son, and we make school work" etc.  I find parents of mildly gifted / "gifted at school" kids the most antagonistic, I suspect because by homeschooling they think I'm questioning their choice (I don't care, honest!). 

 

It's best not to say anything around here... either people notice or they don't.  It does make it a little tricky to access help / support though, because sometimes I hold back on asking about things because I don't want to be "that" parent.  I'm going to have to get over it though. 

 

Yep. :coolgleamA:

[Grover]

 And then our second child turned 2 earlier this year, and so far she has stubbornly resisted my every single attempt to teach her anything slightly academic. She can't care less about my compliments and positive reinforcement, which worked so well with my son. She likes to play/pick up things independently, and if I interrupt her she walks away. She wouldn't even let me play a puzzle with her or read books to her. She randomly surprises us with what she knows but refuses to tell us again when asked.

hah... this is my number two, too!

 

She is 5 now, and has mellowed - or maybe I've got sneakier.  She's finally learning it's ok not to know everything /  be a beginner at things.  For her it was a perfectionism / fear thing, so we've worked hard to overcome that. 

[SKL]

LOL everyone freaking out about what "accelerated" means.

 

It just means the kid is ahead of other kids his age.

[Kerileanne99]

I HATE when other parents make comments about Alex at the moment. Maybe because she is four, the differences are so much more obvious, and she has no filter so she tends to make comments that are extremely obvious. We can't really go out without someone commenting. Some of this is that dd is so very loud and social, and some of it is that the activities she can be enrolled in are for very young kids. I really think (hope!) that will change as she gets older. Right now parents always comment with barely-concealed feelings I would rather not touch with a ten-foot-pole...

 

I have learned to make it a joke: I say, "yep, she keeps me on my toes!" Which is amusing and distracting as I am in a wheelchair😄you can see people consider it, some will even look down, lol, so the. I can just shrug and say," well. You know what I mean."

End of conversation:)

 

Of course, this might change if I ever encounter a single person IRL that I could discuss te kid with!

[CrunchyGirl]

this is true, it's just asking for an argument.

 

So much so that I have had people working with my kids (such as music teachers, preschool gym, random librarians, etc) sidle up and say things like, "um, your son. Um. You do know, don't you?" And if I'm feeling evil I play dumb, and they stammer and stutter and say things like "well, um, you know what he can do is not, um, usual, don't you?" because they don't want to use the 'g' word. Mostly I'm nicer though and just say, "yes, he's profoundly gifted." They usually look relieved. Actually, I find the "profoundly" part helps in that situation because they realise he's a serious oddball :-)

 

If, on the other hand, I were to say to a parent who noticed, "yes, he's gifted" I then get responses like, "so?" and "well so's my son, and we make school work" etc. I find parents of mildly gifted / "gifted at school" kids the most antagonistic, I suspect because by homeschooling they think I'm questioning their choice (I don't care, honest!).

 

It's best not to say anything around here... either people notice or they don't. It does make it a little tricky to access help / support though, because sometimes I hold back on asking about things because I don't want to be "that" parent. I'm going to have to get over it though.

Exactly. I've gone with the "profoundly" add on a few times. It sure does make it simpler.

[MaeFlowers]

I just wanted to say thank you for this thread. I lurk quite a bit but have always been afraid to post here in the accelerated forum. I don't know that ds is gifted. He is not really accelerated although I think maybe he should be and I am holding him back. I want to meet him where he is at, but am not sure exactly where that is. Anyway...this thread made me feel like I could hang out here once in a while and I appreciate that.

 

More on topic, I have never really thought much about the term gifted. Growing up, it was not being called gifted that bothered me, it was BEING gifted and all that went with it that was sometimes hard. DS had evaluations a couple of weeks ago and part of that was an IQ test. We find out the results next week. If he is is gifted, I am not telling him. I'm not telling anyone. In fact, I do not even know that I want to know his score.

[FairProspects]

We can't really go out without someone commenting. Some of this is that dd is so very loud and social, and some of it is that the activities she can be enrolled in are for very young kids. I really think (hope!) that will change as she gets older. Right now parents always comment with barely-concealed feelings I would rather not touch with a ten-foot-pole...

 

 

IMHE, the comments have only gotten more frequent and the differences more obvious as ds gets older. He was so busy moving at 4 I don't think he stood still long enough to get much of anything out!

 

 

[Jackie]

I HATE when other parents make comments about Alex at the moment. Maybe because she is four, the differences are so much more obvious, and she has no filter so she tends to make comments that are extremely obvious. We can't really go out without someone commenting. Some of this is that dd is so very loud and social, and some of it is that the activities she can be enrolled in are for very young kids. I really think (hope!) that will change as she gets older. Right now parents always comment with barely-concealed feelings I would rather not touch with a ten-foot-pole...

 

 

This is what I run into. She reads everything. She read aloud every sign in every store and restaurant since she was 2. Now, at 4, she's finally learned to read silently! It doesn't help us that she's a bit small for her age, so the reading appears to be even more remarkable than it is. We get comments from people at nearby tables at restaurants when they figure out she read the menu and ordered for herself (who pays this much attention to others in a restaurant?!?). We even get comments at the library when people figure out that when we sit off to the side to read a book it's her reading to me and not the other way round.

 

For other topics, she is more reserved and doesn't draw much attention. I keep hoping that as she gets closer to the age where most children read well, maybe we'll blend better!

[Dmmetler]

Fwiw, my DD has definitely developed much more situational awareness of whether it's "safe" to be fully herself, especially in math and science than she had as a preschooler. It's kind of a two edged sword-I think she was happier before she realized how many people were bothered by her being herself.