Military people, how do you do it?

[lovinmyboys]

I am probably mostly venting, but I just don't know how much longer I can handle DH being in the reserves. It seems like nobody ever knows what Is going on or how to do anything. He has been in for 15 yrs (we have been married 12) and he says I should just be used to it by now. I, however, am so done, done, done.

 

We rarely get paid on time, or the right amount, or in the right bank account. They wrongly thought he had a debt payment and took it out of his check and he has been working to get it back for a year. We used to have health insurance through them, then they did a review and told us we could no longer get insurance with them-even though the retention guy said we could. I have gone five times to get an ID and still haven't gotten one. These are just a few little examples.

 

Now he is getting ready to deploy for the fourth time and no one seems to know what is going on. I just don't think I can take it.

 

I promise DH is a very good soldier and we are a very low maintainence family (even though this post doesn't sound like it). It just seems like any tiny problem that comes up becomes a huge issue that takes so long to resolve.

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I don't remember Dad having a ton of issues like you describe but he wasn't in the Reserves.  He was Air Force.  I do have a friend in the Reserves and she seems to run into more issues, though....hopefully someone else will have some ideas on how to make this work better since you do seem to be having some REALLY frustrating experiences.

[StaceyinLA]

I can't really offer advice, but I just want to say that I am really sorry. My son-in-law is in the military, and what I watch him and dd deal with is just so frustrating to me. I have gained such an appreciation for military families and the sacrifices they make for us on a day-to-day basis. So many people just cannot begin to realize what they go through; even the small, daily things that we take for granted.

 

So, no real advice, but a big "THANK YOU" to you and you family for your sacrifices.  :grouphug:

[blondeviolin]

Is this all the same unit at the same base? Some are better than others. Are these issues he's having with finance and pass and ID staffed by reserves or active duty? Sometimes reservists don't get as much training or haven't done it enough to know really what's what, but active duty members do it day-in and day-out.

 

Other times, though, it can be the annoyance and nature of the job. The not-knowing part absolutely kills me.

[Mrs Mungo]

Is this all the same unit at the same base? Some are better than others. Are these issues he's having with finance and pass and ID staffed by reserves or active duty? Sometimes reservists don't get as much training or haven't done it enough to know really what's what, but active duty members do it day-in and day-out.

 

Other times, though, it can be the annoyance and nature of the job. The not-knowing part absolutely kills me.

I agree on both counts. I have never had an issue with getting an ID card. But, the offices on active duty posts are usually trained pretty well. Usually. We did have problems getting all of the paperwork when one of our kids was born, but that was a long time ago.

 

We have very rarely had any kind of finance issue ever and my dh has been active duty for 21 years.

 

You *should* be able to get insurance while he is on active duty, shouldn't you? I thought you could.

 

The day to day not knowing what is going to happen can be very frustrating. I guess you just get used to being very flexible and ready for anything. But, I deal with that every day, not just intermittently.

[Aras]

In a lot of cases the rules are different for activated Reserve and Guard members versus active duty and that causes tons of problems. We have been an active duty family for almost 15 years and we haven't had nearly the same problems as friends who are in the Active Reserve. I'm so sorry :( The life can be difficult enough without the misinformation and frustration of pay issues, health insurance issues and nonexistent Family Readiness Groups.

[Jenn in FL]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

It's definitely a challenging way of life to be certain!  Been there.  Doing that.

 

Re: insurance.  Health insurance only when he is on active duty for over 30 days.  If he is about to deploy, you will absolutely qualify for immediate coverage.

 

SGLI life is available for reservists in general.  You do not have to be activated or deployed to carry that coverage as long as he is in the reserves.

 

 

 

[BugsMama]

We are active duty and haven't had issues with the pay and whatnot (I am so sorry you are!)

 

But as for the not knowing.....

 

I feel like everything is kind of an endless stream of not-knowing. I am totally with you on the "I'm done!" feeling. I think many long term spouses feel that way. We're at 13 years, and some days, I feel like I really don't want to do one more DAY of this, let alone another however many years. When they happens, I try and remind myself of the good- and remind myself that if this wasn't our life, there would still be plenty of other things I would be stressing about.

 

Sure, now there are some days where I don't know where my husband is in the world, or when I will talk to him next, or where we will be living in three months. But I know he has a job. I know that he's happy with his work. I know the paycheck is coming. And I know it ends. Someday, we'll be retired, and we'll be done with this brand of not-knowing.

 

Is there a spouses group, or even just one local friend to lean on for this deployment? It always seems to go better for me when I have a "dinner buddy" to meet up with once a week. Normally, I find a friend with kids about the same age as mine, and we take turns cooking for the combined families once a week, or occasionally go out somewhere cheap and easy. It helps pass the time and makes it a little less lonely.

 

Big hugs to you- I hope the logistics get sorted out, SOON and the deployment goes as well as it can.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Personally, I think life is much harder for guard and reserve families these days. Active duty has its own challenges, of course, but I have never had to deal with the kind of problems you are describing. :grouphug:

[In The Great White North]

What reason did they give you for not giving you an ID card?

[BarbecueMom]

DH has been in the Reserves since the day he commissioned, and it's been the worst mess you could possibly imagine. Nothing but problems. He's been waiting on a medical review board (I think that's what it's called) for five years. At this point, he'll be 80 years old before someone finds his file and wonder why he's still in the military.

[lovinmyboys]

What reason did they give you for not giving you an ID card?

Different things. The first time they said I had to have an appointment-even though it looked like the guy who was doing them had nothing else to do. Then I got an appointment and when I showed up they said the system was down. Then the next time the guy who was supposed to do them was not in at my appointment time. Then, the next time he said since it is just a reserve ID it isn't good for much anyway so why did I keep coming back (supposedly the system was down again). I tried getting it at the national guard place by our house. My other IDs I have always gotten on post and never had a problem. We just don't live by one right now. I'm sure I will get an active duty one once he is activated. I think the main thing that bugs me about it is that there is nothing I can do about it except drive farther and hope the system isn't down. And it is like that with all the problems. No one knows who fixes them and since it isn't their problem they don't do anything about it.

[Mary in VA]

We're a retired AF family here.  My dh retired after 21 years active duty and I retired after 21 years combined active and reserve duty.  As a reservist I was attached to an active duty office, so I never had to deal with Air Reserve units or Air National guard.  I really had no problems with ID, and other paperwork.  The only time I had to deal with a reserve unit was two years ago.  Our 22 yo dd was graduating from college and her ID would expire on graduation, but we were paying for her to have medical insurance through the Tricare Young Adult program and she needed a new ID card for that. She was over 600 miles away so she went to an Army Reserve post near her to get a new ID.  We had sent her all the paperwork she needed.  She spent FIVE HOURS dealing with them and left with no ID card.  They DID NOT have their act together.  DD said it gave her no confidence in how the military reserves are run. When we went out for her graduation we went with her to the post to help her.  They took TWO HOURS to do the work and at the end their "system was down" and they couldn't activate the card.  Since she wouldn't be going to a base for medical care, but to civilian practitioners (so the card would never be scanned) she left with it and never went back to the post.  

 

I have a huge respect for the job our Reserves and Guard (and their families) are doing for us.  It is so far beyond what was envisioned for them back when I entered active duty in 1985.  They are an indispensable part of our military.  But for some reason the administrative arm of these units often fall short.  If you are anywhere near an active duty base it may be worth the trip to try to get some of your problems ironed out there if possible.

[Mrs Mungo]

http://www.tricare.mil/Plans/Eligibility/NGRMandFamilies/Activated.aspx

[lovinmyboys]

We used to have tricare reserve select, but then we weren't eligible for it anymore. That was just frustrating because it was one of the reasons DH re-enlisted and people he talked to said he would be able to get it (and they should have known). We trusted them and we should have done our own research, because he really wasn't eligible for it. We will be able to get tricare standard when he is activated.

[BarbecueMom]

Different things. The first time they said I had to have an appointment-even though it looked like the guy who was doing them had nothing else to do. Then I got an appointment and when I showed up they said the system was down. Then the next time the guy who was supposed to do them was not in at my appointment time. Then, the next time he said since it is just a reserve ID it isn't good for much anyway so why did I keep coming back (supposedly the system was down again). I tried getting it at the national guard place by our house. My other IDs I have always gotten on post and never had a problem. We just don't live by one right now. I'm sure I will get an active duty one once he is activated. I think the main thing that bugs me about it is that there is nothing I can do about it except drive farther and hope the system isn't down. And it is like that with all the problems. No one knows who fixes them and since it isn't their problem they don't do anything about it.

This is exactly the way things worked here. Add to that the reserve center is in a terrible area of the city behind a locked fence. You are supposed to call to have someone let you in, but the number goes straight to voicemail or doesn't connect at all.

 

I don't know if I'm glad to hear of others having problems, or frustrated that it's a more widespread issue.

[Lanny]

@OP   If your DH is in the Army National Guard or Air National Guard (I suspect that is the case because of a follow up post you made in this thread), I believe that complicates things. The State becomes involved with payments, etc. More opportunity for confusion and errors...

[lovinmyboys]

Thank you everybody for your kind words and helpful responses. I am feeling so much better. I think being a reservist is just hard..he drills two hours away, he has a civilian job that pays our bills but the army doesn't care about his work obligations, his civilian job gets annoyed with his army obligations, he doesn't live with and work with the people who can't seem to get his pay right, we don't really know the families in his unit, etc. Then, there is the normal military stuff like a 4th deployment in 12 yrs (and I am sure lots of soldiers have done more). Most of the time a military life seems doable, then there are weeks like this..

[lovinmyboys]

This is exactly the way things worked here. Add to that the reserve center is in a terrible area of the city behind a locked fence. You are supposed to call to have someone let you in, but the number goes straight to voicemail or doesn't connect at all.

 

I don't know if I'm glad to hear of others having problems, or frustrated that it's a more widespread issue.

Oh, I forgot about that. The place near our house never answers the phone and the people at DH's unit never answer either. That's why I went the first time without an appointment.

 

And, I feel kind of bad that it does make me feel better to hear that these are typical reservist problems.

[nukeswife]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with it all.  My husband is active duty Navy, so I get the not knowing what's going on part.  His schedule is always as he likes to say "Set in warm jello"  Fortunately we've only ever had one pay issue and that was his first ship right after we got married.  He signed papers for them take his wardroom dues and food payments (he's an officer so he has to pay for his food) out of his check.  Turns out they never did and all of a sudden we got a check for the month for his pay of $184.11.   He's got 19 years in now (we've been married for 17) we have one more tour left and then he's done.  I'm glad this last one is a  nice desk job in a Millington TN, it will be a nice change from the 10 years of consecutive sea tours we've had. 

[Reefgazer]

DH was active duty Navy for 28 years (the entire time we've been dating/married), and I haven't experienced those types of issues that much.  We did have one time when he was over-paid (like double-his-salary overpaid) and it did take over a year to sort that out; I guess the government just works slowly.  While there is always uncertainty in military life; it seems to have gotten more so in the past 5-10 years, it seems, and the reserves may be a whole 'nother ball o' wax that I am not familiar with.  I just build the "worst case scenario" into our plans, and if things go better, it's a bonus.  I think that's key - just assume the most difficult scenario will play out on you.  What's that saying? "Expect nothing, and you'll never be disappointed", LOL?

I am probably mostly venting, but I just don't know how much longer I can handle DH being in the reserves. It seems like nobody ever knows what Is going on or how to do anything. He has been in for 15 yrs (we have been married 12) and he says I should just be used to it by now. I, however, am so done, done, done.

We rarely get paid on time, or the right amount, or in the right bank account. They wrongly thought he had a debt payment and took it out of his check and he has been working to get it back for a year. We used to have health insurance through them, then they did a review and told us we could no longer get insurance with them-even though the retention guy said we could. I have gone five times to get an ID and still haven't gotten one. These are just a few little examples.

Now he is getting ready to deploy for the fourth time and no one seems to know what is going on. I just don't think I can take it.

I promise DH is a very good soldier and we are a very low maintainence family (even though this post doesn't sound like it). It just seems like any tiny problem that comes up becomes a huge issue that takes so long to resolve.

 

[mom2scouts]

My son has only been in the Army National Guard for seven months and he's already had issues like that.  I think it may be more of a problem for "part time" soldiers because they can go back and forth between Federal and State control and they're not so closely connected to military bases.

[Laura's Haven]

Hi there! I am an AF veteran myself, and I can't count on all my fingers, and toes how many times I've been to Finance

over pay issues. One time it was an overage in pay, and by the time I realized what had happened, I owed them money.

There are definitely bumps in the road so to speak, but I just try to remember that I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, my family, and God.

[BarbecueMom]

While there is always uncertainty in military life; it seems to have gotten more so in the past 5-10 years, it seems, and the reserves may be a whole 'nother ball o' wax that I am not familiar with

It really is. I was shocked when DH was assigned to the Reserves and he was trying to find a unit. There's no list of contacts or units. He was given the email address of someone, who emailed someone else, who forwarded that on to several other people. One person called him, who got him in touch with another, who finally said, "Here's a unit with a spot open that a 2nd Lieutenant can fill." And then he got his BOLC orders, which were for a National Guard slot, not Reserves! Instead of amending the orders, he was bumped down to the bottom of the list and had to wait a year. In that year, he went to drill, but every month no one had a clue who he was or what to do with him. Then there's the injury saga, long story.

 

I never, ever expected this much disorganization in the military. Last minute changes, cancelled orders, communication errors, yes. But this is just impossible to navigate, especially when you have never been active duty.

[fraidycat]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

We've had so many pay issues (every time we PCS or move in/out of housing), play the hurry up and wait game so often, and have so many issues where nobody knows what's happening but they'll speak and act as if they do.

 

How we handle it is... First: Laughter. You really can't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. It does give a person insight into how the government runs and how they can mess simple little things up. ;) It's really a choice between laughing or crying.

 

Second: savings. An absolute MUST when dealing with DFAS. We learned...the hard way, early in marriage, low in pay grade.

 

I can only imagine that the crap we deal with on the active side is most likely amplified on the reserve side due to distance, and part time nature. :grouphug:

 

Third: Countdown to retirement. :) The day he can walk away with a paycheck and some bennies and carry on with life.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug: