bettyandbob Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 And I have an odd question. My youngest has the same name as her dh. It now feels very awkward to say youngest's name to her or mention the name in email. I just sent her a message and I actually referred to youngest kid as "youngest kid" because I was afraid to say the name. I guess that sounds dumb, but I don't want to say (dsname) because it might be jarring to her. Can I say the name when I'm not talking about her dh? Should I avoid that for a while or is avoiding that weird too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 Avoiding it would be weird and awkward. I would just refer to my child as "my Mortimer," just as I do when speaking to friends who have children with the same name as mine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 I wouldn't avoid the name, either when referring to your child or referring to her husband. Don't be afraid to remind her of her husband or her grief, trying to avoid any mention is more isolating than just acknowledging the reality and celebrating the deceased persons life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flowing Brook Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 I think it will make her feel worse if you act different. People grieving want to feel normal. Yes she may cry when she hears her dh's name but that is normal. It will probably make her feel worse if she can tell you are avoiding using your son's name. I would just act normal. Hugs to your and your friend. I think it is wonderful you are trying to be so considerate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 I think you are right that it might be jarring, but it's also awkward to be obviously tip-toe-ing. In your shoes, I think I'd say habitually, "My little (name)" in sort of a pet way. That removes the jar, the "Wait, what about him? Oh, she means her child of course." moment is lessened because there are two words to tell her that you are already talking about one of your kids before the name is said. It's less awkward than leaving the name unsaid, but not quite so out-of-the-blue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted July 2, 2014 Author Share Posted July 2, 2014 I don't avoid talking about her dh or using the name when referring to him. That would not honor him. He was an amazing guy. Now there is a big empty space in the family. I guess I shouldn't avoid using the name for ds either. Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 It is sweet that you are trying to protect her, but honestly there is likely not a second in the day that she isn't thinking of him. You saying his name, isn't going to remind her of her husband, because she is already thinking about him anyways. Carry on like normal. Don't tiptoe around. Make her feel loved and her husband remembered and respected. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted July 2, 2014 Author Share Posted July 2, 2014 I thought about adding "little". However, while he has behaviors of a young child (he has Down syndrome), he is well over 5 feet tall, he is 12 and his voice is changing. Well, I might try that anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 I would talk to her about it- actually I would email her. It gets it out there that you're trying not to hurt her and don't know how to navigate this little issue. A dear friend of mine lost her young grandson when he committed suicide. She and I worked side by side as cake decorators and his name was a common one. The first time someone asked her to write the name on a cake I took it from her and did it. But we talked about it the next day and she said she'd like to work through it and she would let me know if she needed me to jump in and help her. (sometimes she had no trouble but other times I did the orders with his name on them) She said she was constantly thinking of him and that hearing his name wasn't really a big issue. As a matter of fact she found other things much more difficult- things I never thought about. So maybe talk to her. I'm sure she'll appreciate that you're trying to be sensitive to her feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Isabella Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 Could you call him 'Young (name)', rather than little, seeing as he's older than a little child? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 Does he have a nickname? I call my DS "Bubs" or his first initial in emails or texts to friends for no actual reason. You're a thoughtful friend. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoCalLynn Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 My dad was killed in a hit and run accident almost 2 years ago. I have a cousin who is named after him, and I didn't find it awkward or sad to hear my dad's name said at all during that time and I don't believe my mom did either. I think, if I were your friend, I would prefer that you just came out and asked me if I were uncomfortable hearing the name spoken. That's the only way you won't hurt her unintentionally. I'm sorry for your friend's loss, and I'm sure you are a comfort to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 I'd just go ahead and use it normally. Funny, because that person (I knew him, too) came up in conversation today. They seem like an amazing family, and I think she'll not give it a thought that you should refrain from the name. I don't think it will hurt her. But bless you for being so kind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 I second just bringing it up. Once you've said something like, "I feel so weird referring to my Johnny and saying his name around you when you've so recently lost your husband. It's probably unavoidable and I may just be being silly, but I didn't want to cause you pain to hear his name." Then I think it will probably clear the air. She'll almost certainly tell you it's okay, she doesn't mind or hardly thinks of it that way or it makes her think of her dh, but it's a nice reminder that people have his name, or she knows she just has to hear it sometimes. Or, hey, maybe she'll say it does cause her pain and you'll say, well then I'm just going to call him "my youngest" when we speak for now, and that will be that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 I think she will be fine with it, as she already knows your son, but I think it's incredibly thoughtful of you to be concerned about it. You're obviously a very good friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jasperstone Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 Has your son got a nickname? If so, you could use that instead. Unless it was the same as her DH. Then it defects the purpose. Hard one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 I believe you should not avoid mentioning your son's name when you speak with her. She is probably aware that it is a name in common use. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 The jarring is a part of life. But mainly what Tap said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 When one of my good friends lost a child, he said that one of the strangest things he had to deal with was people who were afraid to bring up the girl at all. He said he felt very weird around people who acted like she never existed at all, but he realized they were just trying to spare his feelings, not like that worked. She knows your son has the same name. It's okay to bring it up. It's even okay to talk about her husband. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaLisa Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 I think it seems more odd to tiptoe around and avoid mentioning the name. It may jar, it may not. But it will in all likelihood not hurt her or remind her of a gaping hole she is already carrying. You are kind to be so tender toward her. Lisa ETA: Usually, mentioning the person who died, memories of them, including them as part of the lives that they touched it healing rather than hurting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 Worry about saying his name is a bit like worrying over some crumbs when the kids have just upended 4L of blue paint over the new golden brown carpet. So don't worry. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.