linders Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 DH's nephew, age 26, was diagnosed with leukemia a year ago. After every kind of treatment, he finally had a bone marrow transplant last week. Tonight he passed away. My SIL is almost comatose with grief - she was a doting mom. We fly across country tomorrow. What an I possibly say to her? "I'm so sorry" doesn't sound like much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 I am so sorry!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I don't think there is anything you can say to his Mom. :-( Just be there, hug her, let her cry with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I don't think there is anything you can say to his Mom. :-( Just be there, hug her, let her cry with you. Yes to all of this. Also, I would make a point to let her know you are thinking of her on his birthday and don't be afraid to talk about him or say his name. She's not going to forget that he's gone; it's not going to make her feel worse if you mention him. It's a little different, but my SIL and brother lost a baby a few weeks before her due date; we make a point to remember her birthday and to talk about her, to speak her name, to acknowledge that she is a missing part of our family. From what SIL says, it means a lot that we remember her; I would think that will be the same for your SIL. I am so sorry for your family's loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I understand your feelings completely. And I am so very sorry for your loss. My cousin and his wife are excellent parents and adore their kids (and now grand kids). When their eldest son was killed in a car accident the whole family was beyond devastated. A drunk driver drove onto their son's side of the rode as he and his college roommate were driving back to college from his parents' home after an school break. The boys were trapped alive in the car for hours before rescue crews managed to get them out. By then it was too late and he succumbed to his injuries. And I had no idea what to say to them afterwards. No idea at all. What seemed to help was more just stepping in to do little things, not really constantly asking but just seeing that something needed doing and doing it without seeming to take over. And as happypamama said, don't be afraid to talk about him, acknowledge his existence, his life. Help with cooking and cleaning if they seem comfortable with that. Give lots of hugs. Run errands. Coordinate any dishes that are being dropped off so that the owner gets the dish back and the gesture is recorded somewhere. Anything like that which they may need help with and are willing to let you step in. And when you get home, if you have photos, maybe put together a little album to send, along with descriptions of the events in the picture. Mom appreciated so much when I had friends send in stories and photos they had of Dad since much of what was shared she had never seen or heard before. Perhaps you could do that. Write out a story of any time you and your family may have shared with DH's nephew. It could be something very insignificant seeming to you (like going to get ice cream or bouncing a basketball), but might mean a lot to his parents. Show that he mattered and he won't be forgotten. But mainly just hugs is all you can really do. Best wishes. So sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 There are no words and don't feel obligated to give them. Give her a hug, or just sit with her and let her grieve or vent or remember her son. She will probably want to talk about his last days over and over again. Just let her. Be there for her in her grief. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 I am so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 :grouphug: No advice at all, but plenty of :grouphug: for both of you. I don't think there is any way to make dealing with young or unexpected death "easy." You can only let her share her grief, and doing that can be priceless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 You don't have to say the perfect words. The most important thing is your presence. I have lost two siblings, many years ago, about fifteen years apart, and people would often say that they did not know what to say to me and my family. The fact that they were there spoke volumes, and was comforting to us. Just be there, now and in the weeks, months, and years to come. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavender's green Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 :grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss. No one expects the perfect words. Just don't say anything presumptuous or insensitive. "I'm sorry for your loss," is just right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeachyDoodle Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 You don't have to say the perfect words. The most important thing is your presence. I have lost two siblings, many years ago, about fifteen years apart, and people would often say that they did not know what to say to me and my family. The fact that they were there spoke volumes, and was comforting to us. Just be there, now and in the weeks, months, and years to come. I agree. We lost my sister in a car accident at the age of 19. There is nothing to say. They will feel your support just because you're there. Sit with them, or look for little things that need doing -- dishes washed, trash emptied, things picked up at the store. Also remember that this will go on for them long after everybody else moves on. It took my mother a full two years to return to anything close to normal. If you can reach out to them with a phone call or card from time to time it will mean a lot. Help them know that other people haven't forgotten him. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 From where I used to work: http://www.bosplace.org/files/resources/educational-handouts/MY%20GRIEF%20WISH%20LIST.pdf Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 don't try to say anything much. Don't try to find a silver lining or tell her its all for the best. That just stings even more when you are hurting. Just cry with her. Step in to be of help. Love her. remember your nephew and don't be afraid to cry about him and talk about him. I am so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMV Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 As a mom who's child died far too young, I don't think there is anything that anyone can say that will fix it. Much of the time immediately after our daughter died is a blur to me anyway and I really don't recall many specific things people said. So I guess my advice is extend compassion and grace and try to meet her where she is. Also recognize that everyone grieves differently. My husband and I definitely did. The reality is that life is forever altered and, while I don't think anyone ever "gets over" losing a child, ideally in time we get to a place where we can find, and appreciate, simple joys in our new lives. The journey and the time frame for all of this varies so much which is why extending compassion and grace but allowing her to take her own path is very important. Our prayers are with your SIL and her family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexigail Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 "I love you and I'm here for you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaLisa Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 I'm so sorry. I love you. Then quietly begin to do those things around the house that she probably could give a flip about right now. Clean the kitchen. Freshen the bathroom.Go to her hamper and wash the clothes. If she has lots of visitors to give condolences, stock up on toilet paper, paper plates, trash bags and napkins so she doesn't have to worry about dishes for the next month. Have your hubby take out the trash and do anything outside. When my dh died suddenly a few years ago, I was amazed at the women and men who showed up to be with us, but then they just did stuff. Ladies took care of my kitchen, handled meals that were brought, stocked up with plastic cutlery, solo cups and paper plates. One sweet friend ironed all of my kids' clothes for the viewing and funeral. She just *did* it. Set up the ironing board, found it herself, and asked my kids for their church clothes. One man saw bales of pine straw that we'd had delivered and just put it out in the beds without asking. Another did my pool and fixed the polaris that wasn't working that day. Another came and mowed the lawn. That was such love to us. I walked around with a LOT to do in the days after dh died and kids that still needed fed and a house that was filling with visitors and I could have cared less. Those men and women who came in and just did (and I'm sure I don't even know half of the stories) lived out true compassion. Lisa **Also, let your SIL talk. Don't feel like you have to say anything. But don't be afraid to say what you loved about your nephew and in the coming weeks, months, years be sure and talk about him, say his name, recall stories ("Oh dear nephew would have loved this!" "Remember that time that dear nephew ... ?"). Display a picture of him in your home. Don't allow him to become invisible by not acknowledging the life he lived. That is so, so healing and so few people feel comfortable going there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leav97 Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 I'm sorry for you loss, is there anything I can do to help. http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 Yes to all of this. Also, I would make a point to let her know you are thinking of her on his birthday and don't be afraid to talk about him or say his name. She's not going to forget that he's gone; it's not going to make her feel worse if you mention him. This. I asked a close friend who lost a child for advice when another friend lost a child. This is what he said. Don't be afraid to mention the child's name. Don't be afraid to remind the parents of the child's likes and dislikes. Don't be afraid to remind the parents of the child's birthday or other holidays. The parents are already thinking of these things, anyway. After taking this advice, I wrote out a sympathy card to the other family, and in it, I mentioned how that child had changed their lives. I mentioned how their faces lit up when they talked about the child. I mentioned how the child's smile was brilliantly beautiful. Several months later, the father told me that my card had touched them more than any other sympathy card they had received. I am so sorry for your family's loss. My heart is with you as you make this sad journey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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