How and when should I tell my daughter the bad news

[Only me]

In case you didn't see my post from a few days ago my mom has terminal cancer.  She went to the doctor on Monday and just found out that she has 3-6 months to live.  My daughter is on a college internship down in Disney (over 1000 miles away from us).  We haven't seen her in almost 3 months.  She knows that my mom's cancer is terminal but none of use knew it would be this soon.  We were planning to go visit my daughter this weekend.  My parents insist that they still want us to go.  My mom is stable-is not bedridden, is coherent, eating, etc.  My brother lives 20 minutes away from them so he can get to them quickly in an emergency.  We don't expect my mom's condition to really change within the next week.

 

We have decided that we are still going to go since my daughter needs to be told about her grandma in person and my mom agrees.  She is very close to my mom and is sensitive.  She has anxiety and depression and will not handle this well.  We can't decide when we should tell her about this.  I already feel bad about not telling her right away but she did not react well last October when we found out it was terminal.  Since then my mom has had a few more rounds of treatment but my daughter doesn't know that.  Unfortunately right after she left for Florida we had found out it spread even more but a week before my daughter left for Florida a friend of hers was killed in a car accident.  We knew we would overwhelm her if she knew my mom had to go through more treatment.

 

We are getting there Saturday night but probably won't see her until Sunday.  I don't necessarily want to spring it on her the first day we get there (hello, we've missed you so much, btw grandma doesn't have long to live)  That would be horrible.  On the other hand we don't want to tell her right before we leave since we know she will take it hard.  Unfortunately my son's birthday is Monday and my other daughter's birthday is on Thursday so I don't necessarily want to tell her on those days, although they said they would understand if I had to.  Obviously there is no good day to tell her.  Do you think it would be wrong to wait until Wednesday to tell her?  I feel like I'm being dishonest with her for waiting yet I know it will bother her the rest of our trip.   This is just so hard.  We are leaving it up to her whether or not she wants to finish her internship early.  She is supposed to end May 30th.  Of course it will depend upon how my mom is doing.  If it is obvious that she is going downhill fast we will bring my daughter home right away.  We want to give my daughter some time to spend with my mom before she gets too sick but it's possible my mom will be "ok" until this summer.

 

It's just so hard to even believe that my mom is dying.  Seriously if you were to see her you would never know.  She has trouble walking far but she doesn't look sick. She isn't bedridden but needs to rest often. She doesn't have a huge appetite but is still eating fairly well.  She has no trouble breathing.  I have no idea how we will know when she is near the end.

[bettyandbob]

I think you should tell her the first day. Not as soon as you walk in the door, but find time to sit down with her and tell her. That will give you the whole visit to judge how she's handling it (you've said other things previously about this dd that suggest she needs more the typical support).

[Jean in Newcastle]

Can you contact your dd's counselor/psych and ask for advice?  This is the dd who is being treated, isn't it?  

[Tmhearn]

Spend Sunday having fun. Celebrate brother's birthday on Monday. Tell her Monday after you have celebrated. That will give you time to be with her and let her process this shock while you are there to support her. By the time sister's birthday comes, she will have had a few days to think things over. I would not leave her right away to process this information by herself if she's prone to anxiety and depression. I would also try to get a local friend involved, so that she has someone to turn to for support once you leave.

 

So sorry for your family.

[Danestress]

You know your daughter and her specific emotional health better than I do,  so I don't have a strong opinion, but my instinct is that you should tell her right away.  Like before you even go.

 

Yes, she will take it hard.  Yes, she will be upset and it will affect your vacation.  Yes, there will be a sadness over the whole thing.  But not telling her, having a few days of fun, and then telling her after will just really spoil it anyway.  She might be angry.  She might feel that you didn't include her in this part of the whole mourning experience.  She might feel patronized, sidelined, tricked.  Or she might be happy you waited - hard to know.

 

If you tell her, there will be tears.  But tears are part of all of this.  You said in the other post that this trip wasn't so much about the fun of Disney as seeing your daughter (my words, not yours, but I think that is the spirit of it).  Go ahead, tell her, mourn together, cope together, go out and have some fun during the day, but also accept the moments of sadness and fear.... together, as a family.  If you tell her now, you will be there with her as she works through facing this.  If you wait, she will do that alone.  Even if there are really sad moments and even if you actually don't have a lot of fun at all, I do tend to think that this is an opportunity to come together as a family during a tough time, for you to be there for her, for her to be there for you. 

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. 

[katilac]

I think you should tell her the first day. Not as soon as you walk in the door, but find time to sit down with her and tell her. That will give you the whole visit to judge how she's handling it (you've said other things previously about this dd that suggest she needs more the typical support).

 

Absolutely. Tell her while you will be there to offer comfort and support. Tell her because it's true.

 

She knows grandma is terminally ill, so I'd be surprised if she doesn't ask about her fairly quickly anyway. Nothing is absolute, of course, and that is how I would present it: Grandma's illness has progressed, and the doctors think she may only have 3 to 6 months. 

 

I just saw the post about her possibly being in treatment; if she is, I would ask her counselor for advice and give them a heads-up. 

 

As far as knowing when the end is near, or when she might become more noticeably sick? You don't always know or have much notice. Don't make yourself crazy trying to figure out when/if dd should come home, when it might happen, etc. You said your dd is close to your mom - they have a lifetime of happy memories, and that is more important than anything else. 

[Only me]

I forgot to add that she has to work on Sunday and Tuesday so that makes it a bit more difficult. Not a good time to tell her at any time

[Lolly]

I also don't know that I would tell her. Then, I don't put a whole lot of stock in death timelines. I really wish doctors were not allowed to give them; they probably wish people didn't want to know them. I would answer questions she has about how Grandma is doing, let her know about the few more rounds of treatment. But, terminal is terminal, I don't see any reason to put a timeline to it. Grandma could not make it a week, or she could still be at this same point next year. (My grandmother was down to a few days for about 5 years: without any real intervention.) If things take a turn for the worse, you can always call her home then. I don't see it as being dishonest with her; she knows grandma is dying; the timeline can never be certain.

[Only me]

And unfortunately since she is not at school this semester her therapist can't really help her. She is changing doctors back at home and doesn't have a therapist here since she is away at school most of the year. We plan to find one for this summer. She tried to find one down in Florida but the doctor she went to wasn't very nice. She also doesn't have a car down there so transportation. Is a problem.

[Stacia]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[bettyandbob]

I forgot to add that she has to work on Sunday and Tuesday so that makes it a bit more difficult. Not a good time to tell her at any time

 

After work on Sunday, even if late.

 

There will be no good time to tell her all week. It will be worse as the week goes on.

[Catwoman]

When does your mom want to tell her?

 

Since she is the one who is ill, and because you've said that she and your dd are close, I think her feelings about this should be strongly considered.

[hjffkj]

If I were your dd I would want to know right away. I would feel betrayed by everyone for keeping a secret from me in order to pretend to have a good day. Because honestly I doubt you all will have a good day knowing you are intentionally not telling her about your mom. You also put a lot of pressure on your other kids to pretend all is well until you are ready to tell her.

[jenn-]

I would tell her as soon as you get there.  I would also seriously encourage her to stick with the internship until the end of the term unless your mom starts going downhill extremely quickly.  There is nothing your DD can do at home other then sit around and wait for something that may happen in 6 months.  I am sorry about the impending loss of your mother.

[Only me]

Even though my daughter knows the cancer is terminal it has changed over the past month and is growing a lot faster than it was.  She has been terminal since October but they were still trying different chemo, radiation, etc.  None of that is helping and the growth is speeding up. Hospice is involved now. I think I will probably tell her as soon as we can when we get there-probably after work on Sunday even though it will be pretty late.  She has off on Monday so we will have time to spend with her.  I know people go through this all the time but I just feel so bad for her.  Like I said in my previous post a friend of hers was killed in a car accident in December.  Another friend of hers died from cancer in November.  I think that will worry my daughter since that friend found out that she had a reoccurence and died within a few weeks.  Her sorority mentor also has terminal cancer so my daughter has to deal with it so  much.   I think we will try to urge her to finish the semester with a promise that we will fly her home right away if anything changes but I think I also have to follow her lead to see if can handle being so far away and dealing with this.  She is 21 but due to her anxiety and depression she doesn't handle things as well sometimes. (not that I can blame her).  Unfortunately she hasn't been able to make any close friends down there.  She has made some friends but none I think that she could really count on to help her through this. 

 

I think someone asked about my mom's opinion.  She just feels bad that we have to tell my daughter at all since she knows how upset she will be.  She feels that we need to tell her when we are down there though.  That is why she is strongly encouraging us to not cancel our vacation.  She wants us to be there for our daughter.  I think it will also allow my mom to have conversations with my daughter that she might not otherwise feel that she could.  She knows that we haven't told my daughter anything since October.  I want my mom to feel comfortable talking to her grandchildren about it as much as she needs to.  I don't want my mom to have to worry about keeping it from my daughter.

 

Thanks again for all of your help.  I don't really have anyone IRL that I can talk to that isn't too close to the situation.

[vonfirmath]

Since she knows it is terminal already and you honestly cannot say for sure when she will pass, do you have to tell her? That is my thinking.  Generally I believe in being very honest about these things, but I can't see how this is going to do anything more than make her feel really awful while she is doing her thing. 

 

This.  I am very thankful that, when we were in the midst of moving from WA to TX, no one mentioned to my husband and I how his grandmother was going downhill. We WANTED my husband to go back and be with her at the end. But there was NO time to do so at that point. We had a moving van scheduled and my husband was the driver for the car. So yeah, they knew she fell and was doing badly and was not likely to make the weekend. But no one mentioned it to us until we were on the road for TX already. And thus prevented us from agonizing over trying to figure out a way to make it so my husband could get there to see her one last time. (and they had to tell us then because we were set to spend the second night at the house of someone who was flying back for the funeral so we needed to make plans. Grandma flew back earlier than she might have otherwise and ended up back in AZ just as we were hitting  their city 4 days later.)

[acsnmama]

I would tell her soon. I wouldn't wait. She needs the support while you're there. I struggle with anxiety/depression as well (sometimes severe) and I would want to know if I was in her shoes. I would be upset if I wasn't told, that's for sure.

 

I'm sorry that your daughter has been through so much in the recent past. I'm so sorry about your mother :(

[momto10blessings]

Well, I would tell her when she asks about Grandma... "She's doing ok... The doctor gave her a timeline of 3-6 months, so who knows how much longer we'll have her around"

[katilac]

And unfortunately since she is not at school this semester her therapist can't really help her.  

 

I would try for a phone consult with the old therapist, for advice on breaking the news and also to see if a phone consult would be possible for dd if needed. 

 

I also don't know that I would tell her. Then, I don't put a whole lot of stock in death timelines.  

 

I would certainly emphasize the uncertainty of the timeline, but the fact is that the cancer has spread and the entire rest of the family is aware of that. When my sister was dying, her primary doctor seemed to be in denial about it himself, to the point of ordering physical therapy so she could be stronger 'when she went home.' Another doctor took it upon himself to bluntly tell me that we needed to realize my sister was dying - the timeline might be a bit uncertain, but she was not going to go home and resume her life. To this day, I say that doctor gave us a tremendous gift. 

 

If I were your dd I would want to know right away. I would feel betrayed by everyone for keeping a secret from me in order to pretend to have a good day. Because honestly I doubt you all will have a good day knowing you are intentionally not telling her about your mom. You also put a lot of pressure on your other kids to pretend all is well until you are ready to tell her.

 

I absolutely agree with this. The OP can present the information however she wishes to, and her dd should deal with it however she wishes to, but the information must be given. I would never accept, "oh, the doctors can't know for sure, so we just didn't tell you." 

 

I also think it's clear that the grandmother wants her to know. 

[ChristusG]

No time is a good time, but I'd tell her sooner than later. That way you can be there for her for a few days after she hears the news. Otherwise she'd have to deal with it alone. I'd tell her Sunday evening.

[Unicorn.]

I remember your post, and from the statements you made about your dd, I think you need to tell her on Sunday.  Tell her after supper, so that you can be there and watch her depression level for the rest of the week.  That way she has time to process, before you leave, and plenty of time to talk/cry w/ you.  Don't wait.

[Annie G]

I don't think you have to tell her anything at this point. She knows it's terminal and 3-6 months is past when she'll be back from her internship, so it's reasonable to expect she'll be able to spend time with grandma and say goodbye. Telling her now doesn't seem to help anything.   If your mom takes a serious downturn, then it might mean you have to bring dd home early if she wants to say goodbye. But really, especially with her other issues, I don't see what the reason is to tell her now. 

 

If she asks how grandma is, it's certainly fair to remind her that the cancer is terminal and that so far she's not in remission and there is not a bright outlook for her long term survivial. That's enough. 

 

Our youngest dd has gone through some serious anxiety issues and we carefully weigh what we say to her.  We decide based on whether she's unnecessarily stress over it. Her grandfather had a heart attack in January and we waited to tell her until his bypass was over the next day. There was no need for her to know in advance because she couldn't talk to him or go see him (1200 miles away and he was in surgery just a few hours after his heart attack).   We decided that the news that he had the heart attack but was recovering was something she could handle.  There was just no need to let her stress for hours with the unknown of whether he was going to be ok or not. 

 

You have to know your dd and weigh whether knowing is good or bad for her.  But so far I haven't seen any reason to tell her anything. I've seen people last way longer than doctors predict and people go downhill faster than predicted. The unknown can really upset people with anxiety. 

[PeterPan]

If your mom is not likely to pass before the internship ends, I would wait.  They call in Hospice much earlier these days.  My grandma has been on Hospice for close to a year now I'm guessing.  She's at that stage where she needs that level of care, but no one can say exactly when she'll pass.  So in your dd's case I would cover it, not tell her till the internship is ending, and then let her come home and have that special time.

[Cera]

I would tell her Sunday evening.  If you wait she may be upset that you kept that from her plus it will give you the most time with her to help her process the information.  Enjoy spending the day with her and then sit down at dinner and explain that you have something difficult you need to talk about.  She knows your mom's cancer is terminal so while she might not expect to hear 3-6 months she also knows that the possibility is there.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I want to encourage you to tell her ASAP.  

 

My step mom was told her cancer had returned and had 3-6 months left to live.  The next morning it was 3-6 weeks.  That afternoon they told her 3-6 days and she died early the next day hours after going into hospice care.  It was the most shocking thing to experience and the Drs were absolutely baffled as to why she died so quickly.  

That estimate is just that:  an estimate.  She needs to know now, so she can get the chance to see her or call her.  Don't wait.  

 

((HUGS)) It's not easy to lose a loved one, but it's another level of difficulty emotionally when you know it's coming and soon.