TammyinTN Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 I need help. Ok, so most of you know about my daughter leaving and being pregnant. We have not heard a word from her in 3 weeks. She sent a text message to my phone on Tuesday that she would call...I rushed home and nothing. I gave it 24 hours and I just called it done. I feels like she's toying with my emotions. Everyone in this house is worried about her but their lives seem to keep moving on while I can't sleep well, dream wacky stuff and basically I wake up feeling like a bus has run me over every single day. I worry if she's eating, where she's sleeping all the basic things we parents worry about for our children. I don't know how to get past this. My heart just hurts. I don't think I have a stomach lining left as everything I eat makes me want to be sick...I feel like I'm killing myself slowly and I didn't even do anything to be punishing myself for. I feel like I'm short changing our 10 year old in school so Friday I ordered A Beka DVD for his 5th grade year as I can't concentrate for more than 5 minutes. I don't want to leave the house...this is so unlike me, it's like someone flipped a switch. I love exploring but I have no desire to do anything. I'm calling my doctor tomorrow...I've got to do something. If you've made it this far...bless you. Any words of wisdom would be great, I guess I need to know that I'm going to survive this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacqui in mo Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 ((((Tammy))). So sorry you're going through this. Glad to hear you're trying to take care of yourself by talking with the doctor. I'm sure the stress is just eating you alive. Jacqui Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2legomaniacs Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 :grouphug: Oh Tammy! I am so sorry for you all. I cannot imagine how much pain you are in. You will survive this. It will be hard, though. But you have us. You have your dh and ds. You will be surrounded with prayers. I hope your dd is taking care of herself. I just know that you can lean on us and we will do our best to help. This group is great for that. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheryl Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 Tammy, You will be fine! You have been a good parent and this is no reflection on you. Everyone has a free will...God allows everyone to make choices (good or not). This does not make your dd a "bad" person...she exercised poor judgement. Don't we all make them? Does she feel like she can turn to you and your dh? She may feel so ashamed that she can not approach you. But, you know your dd best. If she is toying with your emotions...continue to love her, but at a distance....don't get too involved. Hopefully with prayer she'll come around, and that is when the healing will truly begin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 Yes, do go to the doctor. I think you ar falling into depression. When all the troubles hit with my oldest this year, both myself and my youngest had to star taking St. John's Wort. It helped keep things evened out for me. My halth has definitely been affected. All the three normalshave been trying to shiled me a bit from all his problems since my health has been so badly affected but I still need to do things to help him. I have been praying for you Tammy and I will continue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 But I am betting that it's because your daughter will grow up a little, regret some of her choices and the way she has treated you, or simply need you very badly and ask for you. And you will start to mend, and she will too. I don't think mothers ever say, "Well, I no longer care." I do hope that you will learn to live better with the situation the way it is for now, but I don't think it's permanent situation. ((((((Tammy)))))) Praying for you. And your daughter. And her baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
percytruffle Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 (((Tammy))) I'm glad you are going to the doctor. Blessings to you and many hugs and prayers. Your pain is a testimony to what a great mother you are and how this is so not your fault. I'm sorry it is tearing you up inside. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragons in the flower bed Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 (((Tammy))) No words of advice, just hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 :grouphug:Tammy:grouphug:Of course you are completely stressed out - you love your daughter. Your response to her situation is a normal mom response and is just a sign that you care very, very deeply for her. I have some advice but I must preface it with the fact that I truly don't know if I could do the things I am suggesting if I were in your shoes. I have never been in your shoes. Also, I have a very limited view into what is actually going on there - any words of advice I may offer must be taken with a huge dose of proverbial salt. That said, a couple of things did pop into my head as I read your post. Think about the inevitable consequences of continuing in this way. You will make yourself physically ill and then you will not be there for the rest of your family. Is it fair to them that this daughter should rob them of you? She has obviously made a choice to cut ties with you. This is one of those situations you cannot control. She is an adult and must make her own way. By allowing yourself to sink into this depression you are letting her rule your life. She is affecting everything you do. Your 10yo is the biggest loser in all of this. You must try to pull yourself together for his sake. As far as your daughter goes, you must leave that to God. That "serenity prayer" may seem trite, but there is much truth in it. You must change the things you can - that would be your attitude, your focus from daughter to son and dh, your taking care of yourself; accept the things you cannot change - your daughter's situation and attitude; and have the wisdom to know the difference. This really is a choice. Take some time - as much as you need - to lay all your concerns for your dear daughter before the Lord. Pour out your heart to Him and ask for his protection over her. Ask that He put a hedge of thorns of protection around her and lead her back home. Thank Him for His love and care and then leave it with Him. Every time Satan tries to tempt you to lose your focus and to start worrying again, remind yourself that you have placed her in God's care and He will not fail you. You may have to do this hundreds of times a day. You need to get to the point where you trust God and can rest entirely in his providential care. I would also go to the doctor. He may prescribe some anti-depressants to get you over "the hump" and help you get through this initial phase of stress and worry. Like I said, Tammy, I am far away and I have never experienced your particular heartache. Perhaps my advice is full of holes. I offer it in kindness and a genuine concern for your health and for your relationship with your dh and ds. Please, if it sounds harsh and unfeeling, skip it by all means. In any case, you are in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 While you are feeling desperate know that the rest of us are holding you up in our prayers. I'm glad you are going to your doctor. It sounds like you are still making good decisions such as changing school plans for a while. I pray it will get better sooner than later.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom to Aly Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 Tammy, first thing I thought was call your doctor and get yourself sorted out. It sounds like you are on your way to ulcers, and something to calm you, help you sleep might do wonders. I can't imagine what you are going through. My goddaughter, 19, who is as close to my own child as she can be, is doing something close, although not pregnant. She has run off with a younger boy (15!), right after her husband of 7 months left her. She is bi-polar and off her meds, and, bizarre to me, her mom is not too worried, or so she says. Her mom has refused to let her come home, very angry she is with someone else and not willing to try to work it out with hubby (who has been cheating on her for three months and has been verbally abusive) because her mom is fundamentalist Christian, and hubby claims to be "willing" to work it out, as her mom is still paying his car ins, etc, but won't for her. Big mess. Anyway, I'm very worried about her, she is drinking, running around, and won't come by, calls for a min, says she's fine, that's it. I drove myself crazy for weeks, had told her she could live here, she would call and say she was coming, not show up, this went on for weeks. Finally, I decided that was enough. She is drinking and underage, is with an underage boy, would not be good to have around my daughter, and she called, and I told her not to hang up--that she was always welcome here--but she had to go back to her therapist, get on her meds, stop drinking and stop seeing this boy. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I feel better having done it. I know it isn't the same as your own child, but, for me, it is close. I had been so worried for so long about what she would be like, how I would handle her, etc., it terrified me. Of course, I haven't heard from her since, which is the hardest, but her mom tells me she is alright (she calls her for money, which is refused). It sounds as though your daughter is playing games with you--hate to say it, but it is true. If you are both in Germany, and she is pregnant (have you had that verified? I didn't see your last post), the government will do a lot for her if she is a citizen--she might have a very good situation right now (you know how pro-children the German gov't is!). And she would be paid to stay home for 2 years afterwards, all her med bills paid, etc. So she is probably just fine now. In the meantime, I think your worries are very normal. I'm sure your husband is worried as well, and probably doesn't want to further burden you with his concerns. If you let him know how you feel, and how much you need to talk, I'm sure he will be there for you. I think it is wonderful that you ordered the dvd's for your other child. You are taking care of him by doing that--doing what you know is right. I am sure he is worried as well, and telling him you are worried is fine; I would try to do something special for him, maybe to show him how proud you are of him, and to let him know he is not lost in the shuffle. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up about it--you are a mom, of course you are going to worry. It has been a short time, you need time to try to come to grips with what is happening. You do need to prepare yourself for it continuing, and try to get to a level ground, in case it does. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, just realistic. You sound like a very strong person, going through a very unsure and frightening time. I wish you and your family all the best, and peace of mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ravengal Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 I found Mark Gregston's Heartlight Ministries series of free audio and print resources for parents of teens in trouble to be very helpful for our family. He focuses on the change(s) parents need to make within themselves in order to restore their relationship with their children, rather than focusing on the behavior of the teen only. HTH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenschooler Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 Oh, Tammy, I'm so sorry to hear this. I'll be praying that she'll settle down and let you know where she is and what she's doing. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 I can only imagine how you must feel. Can you get a lead on someone who can do some "brief directed counseling"? A person who is good at this asks questions that help you think through your situation. A good one is very helpful for people who, except in a certain situation, have toodled along through life very well. This sounds like you, right? Get your hubby to give you a neck rub....now it sounds like you need one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sleepy Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 Oh Tammy, no advice, just...:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam "SFSOM" in TN Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 Any words of wisdom would be great, I guess I need to know that I'm going to survive this. You are going to survive this. You are tough. You have enough in you to go see the doctor. You will survive. You will be stronger. Bug hugs to you. May you feel love surround you and hold you up when you're falling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 But I am betting that it's because your daughter will grow up a little, regret some of her choices and the way she has treated you, or simply need you very badly and ask for you. And you will start to mend, and she will too. I agree, very wise words. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 Oh, Tammy!:grouphug: You will survive! I am so sorry to hear this news. You are in my prayers!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 :grouphug: Tammy. I am so very, very sorry. I don't have any other words, but know that my heart is heavy for you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayle in Guatemala Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 :grouphug:Tammy I have no words of wisdom for you, I just want you to know that I will be praying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in Orlando Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 (((Tammy))) I hope the doctor can help you, I'm glad you called. You will survive this. You'll be in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michelle in AL Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 Tammy :grouphug: I will be praying for you! I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. I don't think anyone can feel for their children like a mother. Please do take care of yourself. Make time for some outlet each day: prayer, writing, music, something creative. Let everything extra you can go. Would it help to talk to a counselor of some kind? I know when I get to a place I can't deal with I can always talk to my children's pastor who also has a MS in counseling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brigitte Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 Hugs to you, Tammy. I applaud you for having the presence of mind to see a doctor and find solutions for your younger with regards to school. You will be able to pick up the pieces again and live life again, although it may be on different terms. Your strength and the strength of your loved ones will get you through this. Best to you... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Atl Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Thinking of you... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TN Mama Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 I wish I had words of wisdom or words that could bring you comfort. Hugs to you... Glad to hear you're phoning your doctor. I hope your daughter will come to understand the way she is hurting you... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 You can & will survive. I hope the dr. has some way to help also. Wishing you peace during a very stressful time. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in the Kootenays Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Two friends are going through very difficult times with their young adult children. They both say that the big thing for them is remembering that these are independent people who have to make their own choices and that as moms, they need to let them go, offering support if they can but only to the point that it doesn't destroy the moms and the rest of the families. Boundaries are crucial and so is self care. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted August 18, 2008 Author Share Posted August 18, 2008 Thanks so much for your support and prayers, they mean a great deal to me. I called the doctor and couldn't get an appointment until September 5th and I decided to pursuit it aggressively and found a wonderful doctor to see me today. I'm going to be seeing a therapist and taking medication. She was a wonderful doctor with lots of great advice for me and less about the other part of the situation. I have to take back control of my life and not let this get the better of me. So..I wanted to update you all and say Thank You!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sleepy Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Good for you for getting in to see a doctor so quickly! I can really hear the optimism in your post. :001_smile: Take care, dear. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Good for you for getting in to see a doctor so quickly! I can really hear the optimism in your post. :001_smile: Take care, dear. :grouphug: :iagree: It sounds like you on the road to happier days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quiver0f10 Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Thanks so much for your support and prayers, they mean a great deal to me.I called the doctor and couldn't get an appointment until September 5th and I decided to pursuit it aggressively and found a wonderful doctor to see me today. I'm going to be seeing a therapist and taking medication. She was a wonderful doctor with lots of great advice for me and less about the other part of the situation. I have to take back control of my life and not let this get the better of me. So..I wanted to update you all and say Thank You!:grouphug: Good that you can see her today! Thinking of you :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Hang in there (((Tammy))). You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your support and prayers, they mean a great deal to me.I called the doctor and couldn't get an appointment until September 5th and I decided to pursuit it aggressively and found a wonderful doctor to see me today. I'm going to be seeing a therapist and taking medication. She was a wonderful doctor with lots of great advice for me and less about the other part of the situation. I have to take back control of my life and not let this get the better of me. So..I wanted to update you all and say Thank You!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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