Catch 'em being good- please share what you do.

[Trivium Academy]

I want to do this but how is evading me. I don't necessarily want to buy a chart and put stickers on it but if no better ideas are presented, I will. I just won't like it. :001_huh:

 

I have dd8, who thrives on affirmation and ds4 who is starting to thrive on affirmation (thankfully!!!! :D).

 

I saw an idea on tv where the mom gives her children a compliment at dinner on a particular action they did that day in front of the dad. I thought that was great but I don't want them to have to wait until dinner to get the affirmation. I want to 'catch them being good' and reward them right there, especially at their ages.

 

Thanks in advance!

[HollyinNNV]

I want to do this but how is evading me. I don't necessarily want to buy a chart and put stickers on it but if no better ideas are presented, I will. I just won't like it. :001_huh:

 

I have dd8, who thrives on affirmation and ds4 who is starting to thrive on affirmation (thankfully!!!! :D).

 

I saw an idea on tv where the mom gives her children a compliment at dinner on a particular action they did that day in front of the dad. I thought that was great but I don't want them to have to wait until dinner to get the affirmation. I want to 'catch them being good' and reward them right there, especially at their ages.

 

Thanks in advance!

 

Well, I try to do this too, but it can be easy to forget. What really works for me is to associate it with something. For awhile I associated it with my morning coffee. Because I remembered it in the morning with coffee, I was more apt to remember it the rest of the day.

 

I've also associated it with bath time-don't ask me why!

 

But, I'd just say that if you can remember it in the morning, it will stay in your mind all day.

 

Holly

[KIN]

I heard Lisa Welchel give a talk and she mentioned that she had a bunch of pencils printed with the words "Caught you doing good!" on them. When she caught them doing good, she passed out a pencil. I like that and did it myself last year with special pencils. My boys loved collecting them and tried to "do good".

 

I don't like charts and starts, etc., b/c I eventually drop it. But, just having something handy to give (and something useful not candy, LOL!) and just being casual about worked for me. You could jot a note to yourself to mention it to dh during supper (I'd forget otherwise!), and praise the child at the time of the occurrence as well.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I want to do this but how is evading me. I don't necessarily want to buy a chart and put stickers on it but if no better ideas are presented, I will. I just won't like it. :001_huh:

 

I have dd8, who thrives on affirmation and ds4 who is starting to thrive on affirmation (thankfully!!!! :D).

 

I saw an idea on tv where the mom gives her children a compliment at dinner on a particular action they did that day in front of the dad. I thought that was great but I don't want them to have to wait until dinner to get the affirmation. I want to 'catch them being good' and reward them right there, especially at their ages.

 

Thanks in advance!

 

 

Stuff like breaking into song and dance when the dd4 remembers to put her dish into the kitchen without being told. *conga song* "Addie put her DishES/ In-to the KitCHEN! Addie is a smartyPANTS/ Her tummy must be itchIN'" Simple, immediate, silly, sometimes uber-goofy, joyful. Hugs, pats, cheers, song&dance, phone calls to grandma if it's THAT good.

 

Even during discipline, when I say, "And I know you'll remember next time, right? Want to practice? Ok, go bump into Daddy again. [shocked, pleased expression] You remembered to say Excuse me! Whoohooo! High five!"

 

Then you just go on your way. No stickers or charts. SOMEtimes a comment over dinner. But only if you remember. I don't beat myself up if I don't.

[Crissy]

Maybe you could recognize the positive behavior when it happens *and* talk about it at dinner.

 

I try to be sure my boys know when I see great behavior, but it's just a simple hug and a verbal acknowledgment.

I also tell my husband if he wasn't home at the time (or just point it out if he was home and didn't notice) and he makes a point of telling the boys how much he appreciates their help, their kindness, or whatever it was.

It seems to me that they feel best, and are more likely to repeat the behavior, when we talk about a specific incident more than once.

It makes a great impression when *I* noticed, and thought enough of their actions to tell *Dad*, and he was so impressed that *he* mentioned it again.

[Trivium Academy]

I like the pencil idea! How about a treasure chest? I could fill it with special pencils, fun erasers and just stuff I wouldn't normally buy and when I catch them, have them pick something out of the box?

[KIN]

Oooh, I never thought of that. :) Sounds fun!

[Trivium Academy]

Stuff like breaking into song and dance when the dd4 remembers to put her dish into the kitchen without being told. *conga song* "Addie put her DishES/ In-to the KitCHEN! Addie is a smartyPANTS/ Her tummy must be itchIN'" Simple, immediate, silly, sometimes uber-goofy, joyful.

 

:lol: I do that already. I guess I'm not doing too bad then. My dd8 thinks I'm the goofiest person she knows and I'm goofy about a lot of things, not just catching them at being good.

 

We have a "I have to go to the bathroom" song that I started while we were traveling. Now we all sing it while on the road.

[Brindee]

When I was teaching I did the "Caught you being good" thing with my students. When their name went on the board, it was because they did something good! They were proud of their name being on the board! :D

 

The idea to have something handy to hand to them is good. I looked at what my kids liked the best and did a verbal acknowledgement when I caught them, and a hug. I made sure to tell daddy in front of them how proud I was that so-and-so did this great thing today. DH always played it up big. I mean, dh was truly proud of them as well, but he made it a big deal to help impress the minds of the children that it's GREAT to do good! I made up awards and each week on Friday at dinnertime, we'd start out by giving out awards to each child for SOMEthing they did. (I found them on-line and printed them out) Sometimes it was a struggle to find even one thing, but I did anyway! Some days after an especially good rash of them doing so well, I'd surprise them in the morning and say, "You guys have done sooo well lately, that daddy and I decided that today is celebrate day, and we're going to the zoo (or park, or something else fun)!" Pretty soon the kids were running to me saying, "Mommy, sibiling's name just helped me clean my room!" It was a GREAT side thing that happened without us pushing it on them---they started catching each other doing good things. They LOOKED for the good things in their siblings! Now THAT was great! (Didn't always happen of course, but it did open their eyes to the possibility that their siblings weren't as stupid as they had thought! :lol: )

 

 

Also, knowing their love language can help with knowing how to "reward" their good behaviour. One might like gifts, another time with you, another would like someone doing their chores for them......

 

Best wishes!!! :)

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

:lol: I do that already. I guess I'm not doing too bad then. My dd8 thinks I'm the goofiest person she knows and I'm goofy about a lot of things, not just catching them at being good.

 

We have a "I have to go to the bathroom" song that I started while we were traveling. Now we all sing it while on the road.

 

I think you're doing enough, then. Don't PAY them for being good. Just appreciate it. Otherwise, it's too artificial. Classroom, sure. Home? I don't know. It would just add to the entitlement mentality you're trying to break, IMO.

[Jami]

I have a friend who brags on her kids to her dh where they can "overhear" accidentally (on purpose). Not that she doesn't praise them directly, but there's something extra gratifying about hearing someone say nice things about you when you're not around.

 

So at bedtime, mom and dad stand near the hallway and mom will say something like "I was so proud of how John treated his sisters today. He was kind and thoughtful to them. He's a great kid!" Isn't that a nice thing to eavesdrop on? I loved overhearing my parents telling others kind things about me.

 

Jami

[Parrothead]

Stickers. My dd still loves getting "special" stickers. She has a 1/2 inch three ring binder that has filler paper in it. She has been collecting and putting sticker in that thing since she was 2. My dad gave her a bunch of stickers when she was little. The Sicker Book was my solution to having them stuck all over the furniture and walls.

 

Maybe your kids can stick their sticker and write a short note of how the sticker came to be in their possession.

[Trivium Academy]

It would just add to the entitlement mentality you're trying to break, IMO.

 

Great point Pam! I think it'll be better just to make sure I praise them for doing a good job. I was thinking more for dd8 than ds4 at this point but it would be the same thing. Thank you for the reminder.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

Every now and then, when I catch dd being good, I comment and then I might come back with some ice cream. I even did ice cream at 9AM one day and she got a big kick out of that. It doesn't happen much and you never know when it might. :)

[Brindee]

You do it a lot for awhile, then back off after time goes by....at least that's what we did. We also each had a notebook for awhile titled: "For His Glory---without being asked" This was their own thing. They would look for opportunities to do something for someone and do them. Without being asked. Without telling anyone about them, except writing them in their book--for memory's sake, and to give them ideas for what to do later if they plateaued on ideas. That helped them realize how fun it can be to do things because it's the right thing to do, not to get noticed or praised yourself, but to give GOd the glory by doing it without being asked, noticed, or recognized!

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Every now and then, when I catch dd being good, I comment and then I might come back with some ice cream. I even did ice cream at 9AM one day and she got a big kick out of that. It doesn't happen much and you never know when it might. :)

 

That's what psychologists call "intermittent rewards." That kind of reward system is the most effective, hands down.

[percytruffle]

I like the pencil idea! How about a treasure chest? I could fill it with special pencils, fun erasers and just stuff I wouldn't normally buy and when I catch them, have them pick something out of the box?

 

 

I did this for a while when the dc were younger. I used a basket. They loved it! Just be careful not to over do it so that they expect to be rewarded for doing something good. It should truly be something exceptional, something that is above and beyond what is expected. I did not reward them for doing what I already expected them to do. They did get nifty stickers, etc on their work for that though, but not something from the basket.

 

Another way to verbally acknowledge them is to include their efforts and deeds in the grace at dinner time. You are then thanking God for the blessings the children are to the family and teaching them that their reward in doing good is internal and not just rewarded with "things".

[Mom to Aly]

I've always just stopped and given my daughter a hug and kiss when she is being especially good, and told her how proud I was of her. In the last couple of years, she has started doing that with me, especially this year, when I started losing weight (up to 66 pounds now! :) ). I'll weigh myself in the morn, and she always asks me, and even if I haven't lost more weight, she'll tell me I'm amazing and how proud she is of me, and hug me and kiss me (she used to be hard to get out of bed--now she can't wait because she wants me to weigh myself!), and she tells me how great I look!

 

Also, I have always been careful to ask her how her day was--my xh never asked me, no matter how many times I asked him, and that always bothered me. I am careful to listen to her about her day, and to pay attention to everything she says.

[melissel]

I think you're doing enough, then. Don't PAY them for being good. Just appreciate it. Otherwise, it's too artificial. Classroom, sure. Home? I don't know. It would just add to the entitlement mentality you're trying to break, IMO.

 

ITA. I just make a big high-fivin' deal out of catching them doing something good (like today when my 2-year-old went all the way back to the craft drawers to put a crayon back in the box), and I tell them why it's so great (Wow, Julie, I saw you put that crayon back where it belongs! Thank you so much--that's a huge help to me, and one less thing to put away later, right? Nice job!). Sometimes I'll even involve the other sister in the kudos :lol:

 

If couldn't say something right away, I make a point to take them aside later on and quietly tell them that I saw what they did/heard what they said and I was so happy to see it, and why, etc. They always get a kind of flustered, shy, happy look, so I know it makes an impression. I think that all means more than actual rewards. It sounds like you're probably already doing great with it!

[LauraL]

Years ago, my husband and I started saying to each other, "Ten good things." That is code language to remind each other to explicitly identify and praise 10 good things about each child that day. (For a while, we also tilted one of the pictures hanging on the wall at an angle as a reminder to find 10 good things.) And it generally is the smiles and positive recognition (and hugs and high fives) that get the most mileage--not treats and trinkets. Although we do have a "prize basket" full of stickers, trinkets, and stuff from the dollar store. Very randomly--certainly not every time--I'll call out "prize basket" for someone I catch doing something good. They know not to expect it every time.

[Jean in Newcastle]

We have certain things that are harder for each of us to do. For ds11 it is hard to accept helpful and gentle criticism without having a tantrum. But we've been working on it for years. Now when I see him think about having a tantrum but managing to control himself, I will take him aside and tell him how proud I am of him. I don't make a huge deal of it (that would embarrass him at this age) but I want him to know that I can see him improving and I know how much hard work went into it.

 

This is a subset of "catching them being good" but I wanted to mention it.

[WTMindy]

Maybe you could recognize the positive behavior when it happens *and* talk about it at dinner.

 

I try to be sure my boys know when I see great behavior, but it's just a simple hug and a verbal acknowledgment.

I also tell my husband if he wasn't home at the time (or just point it out if he was home and didn't notice) and he makes a point of telling the boys how much he appreciates their help, their kindness, or whatever it was.

It seems to me that they feel best, and are more likely to repeat the behavior, when we talk about a specific incident more than once.

It makes a great impression when *I* noticed, and thought enough of their actions to tell *Dad*, and he was so impressed that *he* mentioned it again.

 

Yup, I agree with this (and Pam's silly song also sounds like something I would do!! :-))

[myfunnybunch]

A wink, a thumbs up, a smile, a pat on the back, quick hug...all go a long way. Anything that says, "I saw you do that and I appreciate it."

 

For a behavior that's been a struggle, I try to be very specific in my praise, and point out the positive results: "I really appreciate that you took the time to use peaceful words with your brother. Did you notice that the two of you were able to solve the problem more quickly? Way to go."

 

We started a quarter jar. When I "catch" the boys going out of the way to be kind, helpful, appreciative, responsible, I ask them to put a quarter in the jar. They like the clink--it offers immediate reward. When we've got enough $ in the jar we all go to ice cream. Catching a struggling crabby kid and asking him to put a quarter in the jar can really make the difference between a sour schlumpy morning and a smooth one.

 

Cat

[The Governess]

I have two little half-pint jars sitting on the counter. One is filled with large sparkly beads (you could also use marbles or something similar). If I catch one of the girls being good she gets to pick out a bead and move it to the other jar. Once all the beads have been moved over we get to go out and get a treat or a little toy for each of them.

 

I don't keep track of who is earning more beads, I don't want it to be a competition but something that they can earn together. They love it!! And it's a very easy system and works for us, which means I love it too. :D

[Natalieclare]

When my bigs were little, I would occasionally use a chart on the fridge for catchin' 'em. I didn't buy it though, usually it was just a piece of construction paper with a marker heading scrawled on it. Now, I realize that's not your style, Jessica!;) But on occasion, it did the trick. The thing about charts is... in my opinion, they're not meant to be a long term thing. I sporadically used a chart just to give us a leg up on an issue.

 

One in particular that I remember was my oldest girls having an attack of "the bickers". They were probably 4 and 3 or so. I stuck a chart on the fridge titled "I AM KIND TO MY SISTER". And whenever I caught them being kind, I stuck a star on the chart, working up to some prize or another. After only a couple of days, I realized the chart was helping ME more than my kids. It was helping me to be concientious about catching them. And as I focused on the good they were doing, I wasn't getting so annoyed by the things that needed a dose of training.

 

A chart didn't characterize the manner in which I parented (I'm rilly rilly not a charty person), but periodically it was useful for me to get back on track and going in the right direction.

 

Also, I love whispering glowing reports in ears at bedtime. Sending them off to slumber with sweet words makes my kids wake up well.

[milovany]

I love whispering glowing reports in ears at bedtime. Sending them off to slumber with sweet words makes my kids wake up well.

 

 

Ahh, that's so sweet and I ought to try it in this home. We all seem to wake up grumping at each other lately and things don't always improve with just time (duh). I'm too much into the "I'm so DONE" stage at the end of the day.

[elegantlion]

I have some "caught you being good" stickers, but ds isn't into stickers much anymore.

 

I usually compliment the behavior when it happens and give a hug. I believe words of affirmation is one of his love languages. Then I make sure to mention it to dh at dinner while he is listening. He is a daddy's boy and to be edified in front of him makes his day.

[Michelle in MO]

was given to me by a friend: keeping a notebook record of when the kids have done something good. I try to respond, of course, at the moment they do something great with some encouragement, but the notebook also helps, in case I forget. The notebook is a reminder for me, as well, when I get discouraged by their behavior. If I re-read comments I've jotted down in the notebook, I realize we're making some progress.

 

A very good friend of mine was the one who gave me this idea. She's the administrator of a school for boys who are juvenile delinquents.

 

Once there was a boy that we'll called "Mike" at her school. Mike was there because he had broken the law by some very deviant behavior. Once, during class, she praised him for something he did well, and said, "You're a good kid, Mike." He grabbed her arm and said, "What did you say?" She repeated, "You're a good kid, Mike." He later walked up to her desk and asked, "What's good about me?" She thought for a few minutes and then listed a few positive things she had seen in his behavior. The next day he asked her to write down the good things she had seen in him.

 

So, she began to keep a notebook. One page was labeled, "Good things we see in Mike". The other page was labeled, "What God says about Mike". On that page she would list an appropriate Bible verse. Every day she and the rest of the staff would try to write something on each side of the pages---something good about Mike, and a Bible verse on the other side. His behavior began to improve daily.

 

After some months of this, it was time for Mike to return to his home. My friend bought a large Christian poster and wrote on one half of the poster every positive thing they had seen in Mike in the previous months. On the other half of the poster she wrote all of the Scripture verses associated with these comments. She presented it to Mike before he left this school.

 

Mike kept in touch with her weekly for some time afterwards. One day, Mike's mother called my friend up and was crying, thanking my friend for what she did for her son, Mike, who had been so incorrigible that everyone had given up on him. Mike's psychiatrist was also amazed, and the medication Mike was one was reduced because of the great improvement in his behavior.

 

My friend doesn't know where Mike is today, because he eventually stopped calling, but this whole episode with Mike was a turning point in the way she functioned as a teacher and administrator. Now she trains all of the staff in this approach with the students, and even trains the staff to relate to each other in this way. This approval of positive behavior has made a lasting and very good change in this school. The school does not gloss over the bad behavior of its students (and some of it is very, very troubled and bad behavior); but they've been able to make more lasting changes in these boys with this approach.

[Trivium Academy]

Thank you for sharing Mike's story, it's very inspiring and a wonderful story. :hurray:

[Trivium Academy]

They are so wonderful, I think just celebrating with them and remembering to praise them to dad will be the ticket. I think there are just times I get trapped in the stress of being at home all day and I forget to catch them, kwim?

 

Thank you!

[sweetbaby]

I heard Lisa Welchel give a talk and she mentioned that she had a bunch of pencils printed with the words "Caught you doing good!" on them. When she caught them doing good, she passed out a pencil. I like that and did it myself last year with special pencils. My boys loved collecting them and tried to "do good".

 

 

 

I've heard great things about her book Creative Correction. That might be something worth looking into.

[sweetbaby]

I like the pencil idea! How about a treasure chest? I could fill it with special pencils, fun erasers and just stuff I wouldn't normally buy and when I catch them, have them pick something out of the box?

 

 

My son's private preschool did this. It was a hit! They kept a record of good behavior throughout the week and the children were allowed to pick a treasure from the chest every Friday.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

Granted, I didn't read all the posts, but I do praise them at the time. Then, later, I tell dh about it while they are within earshot. Works well.

[Old Dominion Heather]

Well, I do try to catch them being good and I say something about it immediately. I don't tie it to a reward other than the praise though. I have one who would get all the prizes and do it only for the reward and another who would resent the perfect kid's success.

 

I try to point out maturity in behavior and remind them how they might have handled the same situation in the past. I'll mention it to their dad if I think about it and he will give them kuddos as well. But I am not big on tying good behavior to prizes.

[mamapjama]

When the day is busy it can be hard. It's like anything, it needs to become a habit.

 

Having been a teacher I never wanted to do star charts etc. I have fought against it. But last year I decided to implement a program where ds has a list of activities that I would like him to do each day. I wrote them on cards. The cards with a purple star are the cards that must be done such as make his bed, brush his teeth, feed the dog etc. Others are optional but things that he should do - practice his fiddle, walk in the house, speak with an indoor voice etc.

 

We go through his cards regularly through the day moving them into the completed section. When they are completed he gets a chip into his special box. For things like playing kindly with your brother I talk about when I saw him doing this as I put the chip in his box. This gives him a better idea of what I mean by playing kindly with your brother etc.

 

He has a list of items that are worth a certain number of chips. Items like a special activity with mom, or let's bake cookies!, or free computer time are written on cards and he can cash in his chips when he chooses to. I have found this to be easy to remember and gives me the opportunity to talk about the behaviours with him.

 

We also do a gratitude share at supper where we share something we were greatful for during the day. This is nice and I often share things that he has done.

[lovemyboys]

I would occasionally use a chart

just a piece of construction paper with a marker heading scrawled on it.

 

After only a couple of days, I realized the chart was helping ME more than my kids. It was helping me to be concientious about catching them. And as I focused on the good they were doing,

 

Also, I love whispering glowing reports in ears at bedtime. Sending them off to slumber with sweet words makes my kids wake up well.

 

Ds here did something so well one day...latin verbs, maybe, that I said "go get a sticker for that great work," and I rummaged around for some stickers and put a piece of construction paper on the school room wall. From then on, without rhyme or reason, I would tell them to get stickers for good school work, great attitude, a neat paper, friendly gesture toward family or friend, helpfulness, whatever.

 

They really loved it. And it was so nice for me to pay attention to those moments and efforts, nice for them and nice for me. We would sometimes mention the really special ones to Dad at dinner time and, like you, I found that I often quietly praised something when we were saying good night.

 

For us, I think it worked particularly well because it wasn't planned or systematic. In fact, they just asked the other day if we could do the "sticker thing" again this year. Now, Natalie, I'll have to watch and see if the sweet nothings help them wake up more sweetly too...thanks for sharing your experience.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Pam,

 

I like your style! I did something similar, but not quite as creative:)

[rafiki]

.